oh buoy

If you read my last post and remember when I said I felt like I was treading water and barely staying afloat... well in continuation from that post... I'd just like to say that last week... I drowned.  Just for a little bit.  I guess you could call it burning out too but since I'd been using the swimming analogy, I'll just stick with it.  Last week, I drowned. 

I can barely pinpoint everything that happened but it just felt like the whole world was closing in on me and I had no strength to tread anymore.  I stopped trying to keep myself afloat and I just let myself sink out of pure exhaustion.  These verses came to mind...

^{Jonah 2:5} The engulfing waters threatened me,
   the deep surrounded me;
   seaweed was wrapped around my head.
⁶ To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
   the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you, LORD my God,
   brought my life up from the pit. 

I drowned but I'm glad it happened.  I think it wasn't until I had given up and sunk just for a little while... that I truly allowed God, other people, and life's circumstances... even at work... to bring my life up from the pit and buoy me back to the surface.  Now I can breathe. 

I don't know if any of you out there who read this or who don't read this could sense that I was drowning... but thank you for checking in on me, for texting me, for emailing me, for facebooking me... to remind me that you care, that you're praying for me, that you remember me.  Thank you for the hugs, thank you for the smiles, thank you for touching my heart even if I didn't have the energy to respond to you the past few weeks.  And if you are anything like me... I think of people much more than I actually tell them... so if any of you were caring for me silently... I thank you as well.  So very thankful for the people God's placed in my life.  Such precious, precious blessings. 

I'm also thankful for work.  I'm thankful that I have a job.  I'm thankful that I enjoy my job.  I'm finding out how rare it is for someone to enjoy what they do.  I'm thankful for my patients. 

One day last week... I dragged myself to work.  My heart was despairing... I was very nearly in tears... my inner being was frustrated beyond belief.  I feared what would happen if a doctor spoke harshly to me... if a co-worker slighted me... if anything went wrong that day... I might have exploded.  It's not exactly a good sign when even before I've finished getting report... a patient calls and asks for pain meds.  I dread those days.  I got the medication and walked into that particular patient's room and something remarkable happened.  I was hit in the face... not by a nasty smell or annoying beeping... I was hit in the face with something so lovely... so powerfully lovely that the intangible became tangible.  The rich, thickness of this "goodness" slapped me sober.  My patient's room was filled with such peace... the aura was so lovely that it slammed through my body and dispelled all my negativity.  I was immediately drawn to this patient.  Her voice was so gentle and kind and full of sweet grace.  And she's battling end stage cancer.  This is a kind of goodness that shouldn't co-exist amidst such horrors, but by God's grace it did.  She... was radiant and her inner beauty transcended the ugliness of the world... the harsh realities of cancer treatment... and I have a feeling that while her outer person will continue to waste away...her inner self will carry on with unfading beauty and gentle, quiet grace that makes the world around her better simply by existing in it. She inspired me.  She is the kind of person I want to be like... to my patients... to my friends... to everyone I meet...for as long as I still have breath on this earth.  Buoyed.

I took care of two patients this past weekend... both were struggling for their lives... and both impacted me immensely.  They were in rooms right next to one another... and the juxtaposition was... stark.  In one room I was met with neediness, with desperation, with a kind of scraping for life... more akin to fingernails on a chalkboard than anything else.  It was toxic to be in there and it drained the life out of me. In the next room... it was quite different.  This patient wrote a poem and she asked me to read it to her after I assessed her... so I did.  And I asked her permission to make a photocopy of it and share it.  She agreed and even said she wanted to publish her poems.  I hope she does get a chance to do so.

My prayer tonight, Lord, is to see
Many suns pass over me.
Heavenly Father, hear my prayer!
I want Thy will, but still I dare,
To beg for more of this wonderful life
Even with its pitfalls and strife.

Yet to stay, and to learn, I have mountains to climb
So much to live for, so many good times.
And oh, the loves are really dear,
I crave to hold and keep them near.

When it's my time, You'll take my hand
Gently lead me to the Promised Land.
Sins forgiven, future glow!
But, Lord, NOW please, keep me safe below.

She timed and dated this poem.  6/4/11 6-6:30pm.  That is exactly the time I come to work and get report... and she shared it with me immediately after she wrote it.  I doubt she had me in mind as she was writing but I think maybe God had plans for her creativity that even she didn't recognize at the time.  I feel like she wrote that poem for me and I'm thankful that I was assigned to her and I'm thankful that she decided to share it with me.  To remind me to push on and press on... to keep climbing, keep learning... keep enjoying life until my time here ends.  I might have 50 more years... I might have 5... who knows... better make the most of what I've got when I've got it.  If I were her I might have just asked God to take me home... but to see her ask for more of this... that there was something here worth living for... and compare it to the guy next door who was also asking for more life but was living the rest of what he had in utter misery... I dunno.  I'd rather be around her than the other guy, but being around her helped give me strength to take care of the other guy.  They're both in the same boat... one has blessed hope and the other not. Buoyed again. 

I cannot tell you how touched I was through my interactions with my patients this past week.  I'm very glad I'm in a profession where God has the opportunities to speak to my heart and nurture my soul through so many people I happenchance on at work. 

In my weakness and fatigue... I've experienced God's tender love and mercy.  Many more thoughts to write out... but maybe not today.  Maybe another day.  I think for now... I need to be calm, be still, be quiet, and just rest.  Sleep.  And then do my homework. 

<3,
Tiff