Micro Happy

Can one be macro-happy without being micro-happy?

I think I first began pondering macro and micro stuff when it came to God's love for us.  Yes, God loved the world so He gave His only Son for us... on a macro level... but He also cares for me personally... on a micro level... through the everyday happenings of my life. He cares enough to show His love for me down to the finest details of my life... even things that I didn't know I cared about or loved... He loves me enough to know me better than I know myself and He left love notes for me to find along the journey of my day to day life.  This is love through and through.  It is so much love that He IS Love. Macro and Micro Love. 

So today... I was pondering... macro vs. micro happy.  I think sometimes people give motivational speeches to get us to think about the world... to get outside of our own little comfort zone and ponder our greater existence... our greater purpose.  And seriously... I recall one Daily Bread that I read in college... I think I was probably going through a breakup and up until that point, it was probably the worst thing I'd ever gone through in my entire life... and that one particular Daily Bread challenged me to stop thinking only of myself and stop dwelling on my shame spiral and start doing things for others... to put others first before myself.  And it totally helped.  I tore it out and like stuck it on my bulletin board so I would stare at it whenever I started feeling sorry for myself.  It does help to get some perspective. 

But lately when people have been asking me how I've been or how I'm doing... I say I'm OK and I'm fine... but even as I say those words, I know it's not completely true.  I couldn't get myself to say how I really felt because I couldn't quite reconcile the macro and the micro.  If I said that I wasn't doing too well, people would ask me why... and I really couldn't give them a legitimate reason.  Work's OK.  School's OK.  Church is OK.  There's no big problems with my family.  No serious financial issues.  No HUGE dissertation issues.  There's always little things that are left up in the air but it's not like I'm running out of time on anything.  Still single.  But it's not like I'm really running out of time on that either.  Although someone did tell me that I looked 25.  CRAP.  I'm starting to look closer to my actual age.  That scares me.  When I first started working, people would say I looked 18 but I couldn't be 18 so they'd guess 22.  I suppose I've aged appropriately.  I have been working for a few years now.  But DANG.  The day I start to look my age, I think it's all downhill from there.  I have noticed also that the number little bottles on my bathroom counter have increased exponentially.  There's like whitening serum, moisturizing mask, eye cream, face cream, sunblock, foundation, concealer, etc. etc.  When I was 20, I didn't see the point in makeup because whatever I put on my face, I still looked exactly the same.  Now... it's not exactly the same.  Oh well.  Such is life.  Anyway... I have no reason to be macro unhappy.  But I've lost my bubblies.  I dunno where they went. 

I've been feeling sluggish lately.  Tired.  I don't sleep that well and right when I wake up, I'm thinking about when I can get back into bed.  I can recall a time... when I would wake up and be excited for what I was going to do that day or what I was going to eat.  I'd jump out of bed and bounce while I was brushing my teeth.  Nowadays, it's more like... rolling out of bed and the only thing that bounces when I brush my teeth are my eyelids as I try to keep them open.  At first I thought it was the move to day shift.  But it's been 6 or 7 months already.  I'm not sure if it takes that long to readjust.  I've also gained like 15 lbs.  Now I'm thinking a thyroid issue or something but my thyroid levels were fine a few months ago and I've been feeling like this for quite a while. 

Maybe pondering my macro happy will help restore my micro happy. 

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. - E. Joseph Cossman

I recently got an email from a friend.  She replied to an email update I sent her a year ago and as I read what I was dealing with one year ago in December... I marveled at how much things have changed since then.  I barely started working in the ICU night shift in December 2011.  Since then I have transferred to Cardiac ICU and I'm now on day shift.  In December 2011, I was preparing myself to leave a church I had been going to for 18 months.  Since then I spent 6 months at EV Free Fullerton and the past 6 months at Newsong NOC.  A year ago, we were preparing for the death of my grandma.  She has since passed away.  And then there was some more stuff I wrote about... let's just say I'm probably a lot more emotionally stable right now than last year.  It's not really something I'm used to, but I guess it could be a good thing.  Very low lows are not so fun.  But I have also had some really high highs.  I'm not very very low or very very high.  I'm like... moderately low with moderately high highs here and there.  I dunno.  It's a strange place I find myself in right now.  But there has definitely been a lot of progress and movement this past year.  A very auspicious start to my 30's.

God has been very faithful.   I am on the eve of more major life changes.  January 1st will be my last shift at work as a staff RN for the time being.  My director told me that I'd always have a job there if I wanted it.  Our solution was to put me in per diem (part-time no benefits) status and for me to take a leave for the first two months of the year and see how my clinicals go.  I start clinicals the third week of January.  My clinicals should run almost 5 days a week, 8-ish hour days.  That will be a big change from working 12-hr shifts a few days a week.  But maybe it'll be easier to explain.  Maybe not.  Nothing about my education or work is easy to explain.  I think that's why nurses need to be around nurses sometimes.  No one else understands.  I think I also need to be around people in my program because no other NP student understands the uniqueness and also the unique frustrations of my particular program like my cohort does.  No nurse is an island.  Or at least we shouldn't be if we want to stay mentally and emotionally healthy. 

I think one of the most major developments this past year has been in my friendships.  In 2 years of being at a couple different churches and even working on 4 different hospital units... I have not made friendships like I've made in the past 6 months.  They're all still works in progress but there has been progress.  Since I've been going through my funk the past few months... I haven't exactly been seeking people out as much as I used to... and yet... people still continue to seek me out.  Every person who asks me how I'm doing or texts me or messages me or asks me how I'm doing outside of work or church... is something special to me.  To be remembered when I'm not seen... that is incredibly meaningful to me.  I actually hadn't exactly thought about it much until right now.  I know it means a lot to me when it happens but... to be remembered when I'm not seen... that is exactly what touches my heart in profound ways.  Love note, right there.  Each of my friends are love notes from God to care for me even when I don't exactly want to care for others. 

I've collected a lot of adventure friends over the years and over this past year as well.  All of you share the load in caring for me.  Sometimes I'm doing really well and I care for you guys and sometimes I'm not really doing well and you guys care for me.  All in all, it's been good.  Ups and downs but... very, very good.  Kinda reminds me of this passage which I've been thinking about for the past month or so...

1 Corinthians 12. One Body with Many Members

¹² For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves^[d] or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.
¹⁴ For the body does not consist of one member but of many. ¹⁵ If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁶ And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? ¹⁸ But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. ¹⁹ If all were a single member, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts,^[e] yet one body.
²¹ The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” ²² On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, ²³ and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, ²⁴ which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, ²⁵ that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. ²⁶ If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

I've read this many times over my lifetime but for some reason... a few weeks ago... when I read that "our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require"... I thought about what part I am.  In general... I think I'd probably be a more presentable part.  If I thought about what part of the body of Christ I might be... I thought I could be a hand or something like that.  Hands are usually uncovered.  And it is the hands which do many things... but it is the hands that cover the unpresentable parts.  Those parts are vulnerable.  Maybe shameful if they were exposed to the world.  Those parts need to be protected.  And I took it as a charge from God to be a good hand and protect the vulnerable parts.  I've been pondering how I can protect the vulnerable.  I can't protect everything but for those things that I see very clearly... I need to take steps towards protecting them and keeping them protected.  It's something I'm pondering this year.  How to "protect" generously and care for the body of Christ.  

I'm thankful that Newsong has been a place where I can serve and be served.  I've been pondering this church since December marked my 6 months at this church and I've been evaluating my progress every 6 months.  It's the first time in a few years where I've felt like I'm interacting with the community and the community is interacting with me.  It's mostly in small ways but there is a give and take that I haven't experienced in a while.  I liken these churches to soil and me to a plant.  Church is to soil as Tiff is to plant.  The Tiff-plant can grow in many kinds of soil.  Maybe certain types of soil were necessary at certain growth periods... and the soil that I spent 20 years at... when I cut those roots to transplant somewhere else... it was painful and incredibly disruptive.  When I transplanted to Cornerstone... I recognized it as good soil... but for some reason I couldn't interact with the soil too much.  The roots didn't spread even though the plant was growing.  Same thing at EV Free Fullerton.  Tiff-plant grew but the composition of the soil somehow didn't jive as well with the Tiff-plant.  And I think that it had a purpose in it.  The roots didn't stick because that's not where I was meant to be.  I was meant to be there for that time period but not for very long.  Every transplant was difficult... but necessary.  It was like the soil was resisting my roots... but it was probably because I wouldn't have kept looking for different soil if the roots had spread.  I might not have moved on and I wouldn't be where I am today.  And where I am today is a good place.  The soil is not perfect but it's a good composition for the time being. 

I don't think I'm done pondering the year but this might be the last post of 2012.  It's also way past my night-before-work bedtime.   It does help my micro-happy to ponder macro-happy.  I'll have to keep pondering micro-happy to figure out how I can get macro and micro to get in sync. 

I heard this on the radio today and I wanted to ponder it a bit more so I made a mental note to Google blog it... 

May You Have
Unknown

May you have……
Enough happiness to keep you sweet,
Enough trials to keep you strong,
Enough sorrow to keep you human,
Enough hope to keep you happy;
Enough failure to keep you humble,
Enough success to keep you eager,
Enough friends to give you comfort,
Enough wealth to meet your needs;
Enough enthusiasm to look forward,
Enough faith to banish depression,
Enough determination to make each day better than yesterday.

2012 has been more than enough.  

lots to ponder...
<3 p="p">Tiff

I'll take the diarrhea

You may have an inkling of what your day at work will be like when you utter those words as your team leader is assigning patients at the beginning of shift. 

I'll take the diarrhea.

Backing up just a bit... 

Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test! I hope you will find out that we have not failed the test. But we pray to God that you may not do wrong—not that we may appear to have met the test, but that you may do what is right, though we may seem to have failed. For we cannot do anything against the truth, but only for the truth. For we are glad when we are weak and you are strong. Your restoration is what we pray for.  2 Corinthians 13:5-9

I've been feeling a lot lately that my spiritual lessons are being mirrored in my workplace.  Or maybe it's that I'm learning the lessons in two places... one in theory and one in practice.  A lot of what Paul has been telling the churches has been extremely relevant between me and God and between me and my co-workers or me and my patients.  I can see very clearly how being a good worker is not separate from my relationship with God, but a significant part of it.  God says to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength... and also to do whatever you do with your whole heart.  I think that if you love the Lord with all your heart, everything you do will also follow suit.  

I want to strive for excellence in all areas of my life.  It is my intention... but sometimes you gotta know when to give a little and prioritize a bit.  Work is usually near the top of the list.  However...

When I first took this job, I did it more because I needed to.  It was an answer to prayer... a part-time day shift position that would give me a little more time to breathe and to focus more on school.  Also, since I interviewed for this position and made it very clear that I would need to quit or severely reduce my hours starting in January, it was generally agreed upon that I'd take the easier patients and that I probably wouldn't necessarily be trained to take on the more difficult or complex patients... just get exposure to them.  

I was thinking about last Sunday's sermon.  I remember movie titles.  I had to glance back at my notes to remember the things that stood out to me though.  At the top of my notes was a line I jotted down about momma birds making their nests prickly so that the babies will leave the nest.  I tried googling it and found a couple of blogs about "the way of eagles"... and how eagles teach their young.  First, the nest is really comfy.  The babies are well fed and cozy.  Sounds nice.  But eagles weren't meant to sit in their nests the whole time.  They were meant to fly.  The parents will then stop bringing food to the babies. They will also fly around the nest so that the babies can see them flying. And then the parents will grab the babies with their talons and place them at the edge of the nest so they can view the world from their perch... usually from really high up... like in a cleft of a mountain or something.  They were forced by necessity and placed in an opportunity where all they'd have to do is jump and let their instincts take over.  

I feel like my managers have been like... partially pushing me to the edge of the nest and partially preparing me to take bigger stuff and it's partially intentional and partially due to necessity.  I'm pretty sure it's about efficient use of resources... and also that my unit was semi-short-staffed... which is also why there was an opening for me to work there.  I was pretty happy to just sit back and take the "easy" patients and finish out my 7 months of work in relative peace and calm.  Fortunately or unfortunately, my nest got a little prickly and I've been taking some patients that I'm not necessarily comfortable with but I've always been given enough resources around me to be able to learn on the spot and get through it.  I can't say I've been perfect but I really do try my best every time I work. 

Anyway.  We had an exceptionally rough set of patients yesterday.  Even though we only take a max of two patients per nurse, usually, we'll try to pair a harder one with an easier one and not assign someone with two hard ones or two easy ones.  It took us 15-20 minutes to even decide which patients to match (usually takes less than 5) and then to assign which nurses would take those pairs took an additional 5 minutes based on who could take which, who would be available to do what at a later time....  Regardless of how hard the patients are... no one really likes to take the patient who's having diarrhea.  It is part of the job but it's a lot nicer when we have patients who don't need to be cleaned as frequently.  So I said the words, "I'll take the diarrhea".  

I thought the whole day woulda been giving fluids and cleaning poop but it was a whole lot more than that... talk about false advertising.  But just like Forrest Gump says about life and the box of chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get.  

It took me an hour or so (after I finished cleaning diarrhea twice) to fully assess both my patients and figure out what my plan was for that day.  I distinctly remember looking at the monitor... looking at my patient... and images and stories from lectures were flashing through my mind.  Tachypnea... tachycardia... no fever... but two criteria is enough to meet SIRS (systemic inflammatory response syndrome) criteria... and he's hypotensive and on a vasopressor (to bring up his blood pressure...)... if it was just dehydration, the fluids woulda been enough... but he's still hypotensive and... looking at the vitals from when he first came to the unit last night... it's getting worse.  And he's got an infection.  And he had diarrhea for 3 weeks.  My gut was telling me something was gonna start going seriously south... but all my co-workers were busy running around and putting out fires of their own... and their fires were serious emergencies.  I did have a little more time to ponder mine.  And ponder I did... until I found a few minutes to ponder with my manager and that's when everything started to happen.  

It was non-stop running to keep my patient alive for 8 hours... it was a really rough day which was riddled with complications.  Nothing went smoothly or as expected, for me or for every single one of the nurses on my unit... actually everyone... respiratory therapists, xray techs and secretaries included.  I'm not sure if it made it worse or better that there were nursing students there... (actually better... I did need an extra set of hands quite a few times yesterday)... AND people going around doing audits and taking up computers and space in the nursing station.  I had never been so behind on charting, nor scrambling so much for so long.  Thankfully I had a few grown-up eagles there to help me along.  I would NOT have been able to survive the day without their help.  I stayed two hours longer after my shift in order to catch up on 12 hours of charting for two patients.  I never clock out late.  Yesterday was pretty... exceptional. 

It was textbook sepsis... rapidly deteriorating to septic shock.  At the end of the work day... after I finished giving report... I looked at my patient... he went from 2 IV pumps to 8, he went from breathing 2 liters of oxygen with a nasal cannula to having a breathing tube and a ventilator, he went from no isolation to contact isolation for C. diff (a really nasty bug)... it was a big change in just a few hours.  My heart was still racing from being in emergency mode for so long.  And at the end of the day, I had a gut feeling that he wasn't going to make it through the night despite my best efforts.  I kept thinking to myself... how it all started when I said, "I'll take the diarrhea".  

I haven't had such a sick patient in a while.  After such a whirlwind events, I was laying in bed pondering everything that happened.  I kept trying to think about what I should have done, what I could have done better, what I could have done faster... what should have been done in the ER... where did our system fail us... could we benefit from more education?  Are there any systematic changes that could be implemented to improve outcomes?  

I've been considering the same thing in my own life.  What am I doing... what could be done better... in what ways can I systematically prepare for a more successful outcome... what do I want... what am I passionate about... am I living a life full of love... and what do I love... who do I love... a lot of times, my actions show what I love without me consciously thinking about it... anyway... it's a lot to ponder and sometimes I end up feeling overwhelmed but... I think it's a good way to think.  To test myself.  Analyze and evaluate... and then form an action plan.  With deadlines.  

Or I could just wing it.  

Speaking of winging it... I was reading about the eagles and someone had written that eagles fly directly into a storm instead of seeking shelter and riding it out... the gusts and torrents actually provide lift and help the eagles soar higher and fly faster.  If I want to be the kind of eagle that soars high and flies fast... I think I'm gonna hafta push myself outside my comfort zone and fly directly into the storm... or maybe to a trauma 1 hospital for training.  I am scared that I won't be good enough... but I won't know what I'm good for until I push myself to the limit.  Yeah.  It sounds good in theory.  We'll see how I feel when I'm perched at a precipice with miles of space between me and the ground...with dark, thunderous clouds in front of me... and torrential winds blowing straight at me.  Or maybe it'll just seem like storms when in actuality, it's just a gentle breeze and a passing cloud as I'm perched on a low-hanging branch of a tree in a park.  

I'm thankful for so much.  Thankful for my co-workers... thankful for that my other patient got through his day smoothly and without crashing... thankful for the doctors and their help... thankful for training... thankful for remembering that story about the septic lady that I heard in a lecture... thankful for experience in the ICU... thankful that I wore the more comfortable shoes that day instead of the ones I almost wore (which probably would have made me fall since I was running back and forth so much), thankful for the nursing students who helped me do blood sugar checks and helped me turn my heavy patients... thankful that my mom packed me lunch that particular day so I could eat it for dinner after work cuz I had no time before life group to eat anything else... and also thankful for life group so I could calm down and be around people and laugh and chatter about all kinds of stuff non-related to hospitals and dying patients... and just overall being thankful for a job... thankful to be a nurse... thankful to be an ICU nurse... thankful that the sons of my patient were able to make it to the hospital and that they seemed to have effective coping mechanisms and thankful that I had good rapport with them as well.  I'm thankful that I went to work yesterday even though I really didn't feel like going to work when I woke up.  All in all... a good day. 

Still pondering...
<3 span="span">
Tiff

Inadequacy

Okay.  So I had a lot I wanted to write down and ponder through... yesterday...but by the time I got around to it, it was really late and I figured it woulda been wiser to just go to sleep.  I had a pretty full day today and now that I'm trying to remember about yesterday, I'm having a hard time.  I still want to write so I'll just try. 

I think I do a lot of arguing in my head.  I go back and forth, flit here and there... so writing things out tends to help me gain clarity.  It also helps me decide which thought gets to reign supreme... at least for that day.

I went to two church services yesterday and I'm kind of getting all jumbled as to what was said.  Instead of reporting my thoughts... I think I'll try to write down how the sermons made me feel. 

During the first service, I cried.  I cried pretty hard.  Before you get all sad and stuff... I think you should be reminded that I rather enjoy crying.  I don't really enjoy how I look when I cry but I enjoy how it makes me feel afterwards.  It's cathartic.  And I hadn't cried in a while so I was long due for a purging. 

I went to visit my friend at her church.  I'd been feeling that I miss the Word.  I really love the Word and I love it when other people share what they've learned directly from it.  I also really love learning about the people in the stories... about what they did, how they reacted, and what it meant... how God took it and what God did afterwards. 

This sermon was on Genesis... the Abraham parts more specifically.  I really like Abe.  He had amazing faith.  He did make mistakes... as did almost everyone else in the Bible... but he did believe and God counted it as righteousness. 

I remember reading about what happened back then when they made covenants.  Covenants were something taken very seriously.  They chopped animals in half and then walked between the halves of the animal and it was a symbol of the covenant... that they be torn in half like these animals if they broke covenant.  I'm pretty sure that's the gist of it.  It's a gruesome image and I'm kinda glad that we don't do that today but at the same time... I also wish that people wouldn't make promises so easily and break their word more often than not.  Something I learned on Sunday was that of the two parties making the covenant... the weaker one would walk through.  But what had happened was that God caused a flaming torch to pass through the carcasses... and in that way God lowered Himself to make a covenant with Abraham.  I didn't remember that little tidbit... or I didn't pay attention to it but the pastor made a point to mention it and it really stuck with me.  How great is our God that He would lower Himself to covenant with us?  What an amazing echo of the kind of love God shows His people throughout history. 

Another piece I remember from the sermon was about the promise God made to bless Abe with offspring too numerous to count.  It was about 19ish years after God made that promise to Abe before Isaac was born.  Before that, Ishmael was born... because Abe and Sarah thought they'd help God out in their own way since they were both getting old and they'd been waiting for years already.  So... the thing I learned from that part was... not to rush God's promises.  If I rush and do things my way... I make trouble.  He fulfills His promises in His good timing and a lot of times, He waits until it's humanly impossible before He acts so that we will know with absolute certainty that it was Him and only Him.  He doesn't need me to "help" him... He just wants my obedience and continual submission to Him. 

And about continual submission... God called Abe to forsake everything that he knew... to leave and go to a land which God would tell him (but didn't tell him at the time he had to leave).  I don't know about you but ever since I had a little mishap with the GPS and it led me straight into a prison, I have decided that it would be a good idea to have some kind of a general gist of where I'm going before even leaving the driveway.  Just an overview.  And also... that it's a good idea to trust what I'm seeing with my own eyes and not follow the directions blindly.  This is a good thing to do when driving because GPS's can be wrong... and especially with maps in iOS 6... you best double check just in case.  But this is not the case with God.  God knows all and He knows exactly where you need to go and the perfect route to get there.  It's probably better that you don't trust what your eyes can see because our eyes are so fleshly and dim and sometimes God wants to do so much MORE than our eyes can see that we'd be limited in what we'd receive because our flesh limits us.  God has proven Himself worthy to be trusted 100% at all times... Garmin and TomTom haven't.  So with God... I know the ultimate destination... which is heaven... but everything in between in this life... how long it'll take me to get there... which route I'll be taking... I have no idea.  And God calls me... just like Abe... to just go to a land which He will tell me... step by step... and have confidence knowing that I am exactly where I need to be right now because He wouldn't have detoured me or brought me here if there wasn't an express purpose for it to be so.  I am super bad with directions.  My gut almost always tells me to go the wrong way.  It's usually no biggie... I just have to make a lot of U-turns... but how much more efficient would it be if I just listened to the God who knows... versus listening to myself and then having to make U-turns or having to make a few lefts or rights to get back to where I was and then go the other way? 

Another memorable line was... that God doesn't call us to be martyrs right away... usually not.  In my case... not.  He actually calls us to die slowly over time... on a daily basis.  Dying to myself and choosing God's way instead is my act of obedience and if there is no greater love expressed than to die for others... my obedience is showing God I love Him.  That is definitely something I want to do. 

So... action points.  It's always good to have action points.  To be a doer of the Word and not merely a hearer.  I thought about what I needed to die to... and the first thought that came to mind... the first thought that always comes to mind lately... is my singleness and the desire to be married again.  It's not a bad thing.  Actually... later on that day, I was reading about how Paul was saying to the Corinthians, I think... that singles and widows should remain single and it's a good thing... which was pretty encouraging as a reminder to be thankful that I don't have to worry about pleasing God AND a husband... I just need to concern myself with pleasing God.  So yeah.  I definitely put singleness at the top of the list of things I need to submit to God. 

But I also sensed... that I wasn't done yet... that God wasn't done yet.  He wanted to push me to dig deeper than the obvious.  So I searched further.  What else to submit... and then one word came to mind: inadequacy. 

When that word came to mind... a mighty rush of thoughts smacked me in the face.  I dunno if thoughts can smack you in the face if they're in your head but they might have smacked me in my figurative brain face.  I had the realization that I have an intense fear of failure because I fear not being good enough; I fear being proven inadequate. 

I remember the day I got my first C in AP Euro.  I cried at school for the first time and I was pretty much inconsolable during lunchtime.  I think about it now and it was such a small thing but I was getting flashbacks or glimpses of how deep-seated my fear of inadequacy really is.  I had another flashback to the day I decided to put away the MCAT books and not take the test.  It was a conscious choice to avoid going down that road.  I had a lot of other reasons as well but... I think that fearing that I wouldn't be good enough was one big one I never wanted to admit to anyone else.  I had another flashback to the night right before I was about to meet with a cardiologist.  I was SO nervous.  I was pacing the unit...all jittery... waiting for him to arrive... and my friend told me that she'd never seen me so unglued.  Again something so small but my body defied my logic.  And another flashback to a week ago when I knew I wasn't prepared to take my neuro/endocrine/hematology exam.  I was extremely nervous.  Irrationally nervous.  I knew in my head that it was no big deal if I didn't do well on this test... that I could make it up on the next tests... but my body was betraying my mind.  And then a few days ago when my manager told me that she was possibly going to assign me to be team leader in the unit.  I freaked out.  I couldn't sleep.  I was SO scared that I was going to be pushed into this role and that I would be found lacking... that I would let down the patients in the unit... that I would be found out for the fraud that I am...or think I am. 

Now... is it a facade... is it truth... or is it completely false? Am I truly a fraud?  Have I built up facades of strength, of competence, of capability... and am I just worthless underneath? Or is it true that I am a fraud... that I am not a good nurse... a good woman... a good friend... it's just all a beautiful illusion?  Or is it just another lie that Satan would like me to believe... is it true that I am strong, competent, and capable and that I am being fed the lie to tear me down and weigh my heart with sadness... to keep me from soaring in freedom like I should be? 

I think that there isn't a simple straight answer.  I am not 100% of anything at all times.  Sometimes I am putting up a facade.  Sometimes I am a fraud.  Sometimes I have skated by on pure luck or have been saved by the competence and excellence of those around me and not by my own acumen.  I don't even know if I'm using that word right.  It just seemed right in that place.  I might just be a good test taker and not necessarily a master of the material.  I might pass the multiple choice but fail the practicum... which is where it really counts.  Maybe I'm just good in theory. 

And I think that my inadequacy also pervades my struggle in my own singleness as well.  What if I'm just good in theory but in practice... no one wants me.  And that's when the waterfall of tears came.  I had let one or two tears squeak by but I couldn't hold them in any longer the moment that thought came into my head... "who would want you?  no one thinks you're good enough to want to share their life with... to cherish and have at their side... no one wants to be your partner because you are NOT good enough and you never will be". 

These thoughts came to mind right as the worship team started to lead us through Forever Reign... in perfect timing to minister to me in my thoughts. 

You are good You are good
When there’s nothing good in me
You are love You are love
On display for all to see
You are light You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy You are joy
You’re the reason that I sing
You are life You are life
In You death has lost it’s sting

[Chorus]
Oh I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here You are here
In Your presence I’m made whole
You are God You are God
Of all else I’m letting go

[Repeat Chorus]

My heart will sing
No other Name
Jesus
Jesus 

In the very moment when I felt destroyed and beaten to an inch of my life by an onslaught of toxic thoughts of inadequacy... it was time for me sing this chorus and to run into His arms.  Or maybe crawl... crawl quickly.  And when I got there... it was also time for God to cradle me against His chest... for me to rest my head on His shoulders and for me to feel the strength of His hands over my head, on my back and under my legs... fully supporting the whole weight of me so I could just let go.  I didn't need to hang on for dear life... I could just rest.  Rest and cry until I had no more tears to cry. And be washed with the peace that always comes after coming honestly before God. 

Whelp... and then the lights came on and it was the end of one service.  Half an hour later I found myself a couple miles away at another church... going into another service... still pondering my thoughts from the first service. 

There were a few things I remember about the second service... but the thing that stood out most was that "heaven is experiencing the evidence that God is there... being loved by Him".  And I smiled knowing that I had experienced a glimpse of heaven that morning. 

I hadn't recognized the extent of how deep and how broad my fear of inadequacy actually extended.  You really don't figure out what you don't know until you've been tested.  After the testing... and after being able to review the test... you can then start to plan out how you're going to start building up your weaknesses and patching up the holes... hopefully before it starts raining. 

So all in all... a good Sunday. 

Jehovah Rapha... heal my heart. Jehovah Shalom... grant me peace.  Jehovah Jireh... provide for my needs.  You know what's pretty crazy... He's already done it.  Past tense.  All I have to do is believe it.  It is my unbelief that keeps me from experiencing and recognizing it to the full extent of His grace and provision.  You know what's also pretty crazy that I was pondering... I remember pondering it on the 57 North on-ramp at Lambert... that God has so many names because He is Everything.  The only reason we need to have echoes and repetition and different names are because we can only comprehend bits and pieces at a time... but He is everything all at once... to everybody at all times... and He has been and will continue to be... since time began and until forever and ever.  How can we even begin to grasp His vastness and greatness?  I only know a single drop compared to the oceans of His greatness.  So crazy.  And a God like this would humble Himself... carrying with Him the greatest love ever... to meet me... a nobody... in that velveteen chair on a random Sunday... and every time and anywhere I ask Him to... for always and forever.  My heart will sing no other name... Jesus.  The riches of Your love will always be enough.

<3 p="p">Tiff

But practically... I definitely need to (not necessarily in any particular order...):

• Love God, love others.  
• Study more and study harder.  Not just to pass multiple choice tests but to pass practicums.  Must achieve clinical awesomeness.
• Strive for excellence in all areas of my life.  Prove myself a worker approved by God and men. 
• Discipline myself and make good choices... in what I take in, in what I do, in what I take care of... to run the race to win the prize.  I'm going for "Olympic gold" in my life and nothing less. 
• Cut out the excess, tidy and organize what I have been placed in charge of.  I want to be ready for a test at all times and I want to be found as a servant who has multiplied my talents by 100% or more.  
• Remember... who I am, in Whom I place my worth, and Whose opinion matters most.
• Get a smog check (by January 28). 
• Rest. 

 Rest now.  Night all. 

Read more: HILLSONG - FOREVER REIGN LYRICS

Read more: HILLSONG - FOREVER REIGN LYRICS

You are good, You are good When there's nothing good in me You are love, You are love On display for all to see You are light, You are light When the darkness closes in You are hope, You are hope You have covered all my sin
You are peace, You are peace When my fear is crippling You are true, You are true Even in my wandering You are joy, You are joy

Read more: HILLSONG - FOREVER REIGN LYRICS

The cruise... to Boston

I try to write something whenever something significant happens in my life... just to remember.  I don't think I'll be forgetting this anytime soon but I thought I'd still write it down.  I've been pondering it for a few weeks now. 

Last month I took an actual vacation.  I requested about a week and a half off of work, I bought plane tickets, paid for a cruise... this is how it was supposed to go:

• Fly to New York.  Spend a couple days there.
• Get on a cruise ship and sail to Bermuda.  Spend 4 days either at sea or in Bermuda.
• Disembark in New York, spend a day and a half in New York and fly home.

 That is NOT what ended up happening.  I kept thinking about how this vacation seemed to remind me of how life ends up happening... hardly anything goes as planned but you kinda just make the most out of what you've got and just enjoy the ride.

My favorite New York pizza

So what did end up happening was although the first part of my vacation went as planned... things started to get all crazy once Hurricane Sandy decided to visit.  I made it to New York and spent a couple days there... touring my favorite eateries... met up with a couple friends.  Got a chance to meet up with a friend who recently moved back to Jersey.  Very special.  :)  Thankfully, I hit up my favorite places during these first few days.  Even went to Zabar's twice.

My absolute favorite NYC meal... #1 Proscuitto and Mozarella panini, fresh squeezed orange juice, and frozen yogurt at Zabar's

While I was in New York, I get an email from the cruise line letting us know that they cancelled our stop at the Bermuda port.  Boo.  Since Hurricane Sandy was coming north towards New York, we kinda figured that we would travel away from the hurricane and end up cruising north... to Canada.  This was problematic since I had already packed for 80 degree Bermuda.  Thankfully my cousin was able to lend me a couple items with sleeves.  All I packed were tank tops, a cardigan and one jacket for 60 degree New York.  So... small change in plans... but the cruise was still a go. 

We get to the dock on Saturday and check in... it's then that they break the news that our cruise destination would be Boston.  Hm.  Not quite what we were expecting but whatevers.  The point was to hang out with my cousins on the cruise and that's exactly what we would do regardless.  And I have a friend in Boston too.  Maybe we could schedule a last minute hangout. 

We were at sea on Sunday.  I am very prone to motion sickness and let me tell you... it was pretty darn tipsy on the ship that day.  We did manage to take a yoga class.  I don't remember too much about that day other than we kept running into walls.  Yay for ginger chews.  I didn't throw up at all.  :) 

Monday we were docked in Boston Harbor but they cancelled all our "excursions" due to the stormy weather.  We spent another day on the boat.  Tuesday, we were still docked in Boston and we were allowed to get off the boat.  We were then finding out that New York and New Jersey were flooded and they were cancelling flights flying out of JFK.  They also told us that they would be extending our cruise from Wednesday to Friday, and that they didn't know where we would be ending the cruise since the Brooklyn harbor was also flooded and closed.  Hmph.  They would give us announcements every few hours with updates but mostly the updates were that they were sorry to have to interrupt our original plans due to "deteriorating weather".  They wouldn't tell us anything beyond what was possibly going on the next day.  By Wednesday, we all decided that we would just change out flights and fly out of Boston on Saturday night.  Flights were still being cancelled out of JFK and we didn't want to risk getting stuck in New York.  Thankfully, our airlines allowed us to change our flights without charging us extra.  Thursday, we woke up and found out we were out to sea again.  By then they told us that we'd be disembarking in New York on Friday morning.  We also found out that lower Manhattan was flooded, the subway system wasn't working, there was no power, and there was a gas shortage.  They were in a state of disaster.  Our next plan was to rent a car, get out of the disaster zone, drive to Boston, spend a night in Boston and then fly out of Logan airport.  Which is what we did.

Got a chance to re-live a favorite memory with my nursing school partner while in Boston

All in all, it was an interesting experience.  Come to think of it, the last time I was in New York in October, Air Force One grounded my departing flight, I spent 6 hours sitting in an airplane which had non-functioning bathrooms, some sort of engine malfunction, and then it started raining by the time they got everything sorted out and they cancelled my flight home.  I had to spend another night in New York and fly home the next day.  This experience was much better than the last one.  Even though there was disaster and mayhem going on all around us, I felt like all of us on that cruise ship were protected from it all.  There was some rocking on the boat that first day we were at sea, but we never lost power, we never ran out of food, and we were never bored.  There was still plenty of activities planned on the boat and all of the staff were still courteous and polite to us despite having to serve us all for a few extra days.  And I got to watch a lot of movies on the boat.  And I got to spend a few extra days hanging out with my cousins.  It really reemphasized to me how it really didn't matter what was happening around us... we enjoyed the extra time we had to spend with one another and just took things day by day. 

Not everyone on the boat felt the same way we did though.  A lot of people were extremely upset and took out their anger on the staff... were complaining to one another, were demanding this and that from airlines, from travel agents, from whoever they were trying to get a hold of to correct their situation in their eyes... and a lot of times, they were just downright nasty.  I had an exam the following Monday and one particular day, I was studying in the library/internet cafe and every single person in that room was complaining to someone about something.... and there I was with my ipad and notebook, scribbling away, trying to re-learn immunology and acid/base balance. 

Plenty of time to think on the boat.  Even though I didn't throw up, I still got semi-motion sick.  Sometimes it just felt better to lay down in bed than try to walk on a rocking ship.  I kept thinking about how much this vacation reminded me about how sometimes my life just doesn't go as planned.  When I was younger, I thought I had my whole life planned out.  I thought I'd graduate at 22, get married by 25 and have all 2-3 of my kids by the time I was 30.  I really didn't think about what I'd do as a job... I thought that being married and starting a family was more important... that I'd give up my career if it came down to it... and then just stay at home and do crafts or cook or bake all day long. 

I met the man I was going to marry at the age of 21.  I could have been on schedule to have the life I wanted... but... that's not what ended up happening.  I didn't get what I asked for... I got something entirely different.  A long distance relationship, my boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer at age 25, I was married and widowed by 27, and instead of children, I have 3 degrees and going on a 4th at age 30.  What an odd turn of events. 

I should have written this down a few weeks ago because now that I'm trying to write it, I've forgotten a lot of what I wanted to write.  At church, we're going through a series called "Beauty for Ashes".  I think I missed a couple of sermons while I was in New York/Boston, but the first one I remember of the series... actually I can't even remember what the speaker actually talked about but I do remember what I was thinking about during the sermon.  First of all, the title, Beauty for Ashes... reminded me of Anderson... (1) that he was cremated... and (2) that I originally named my blog, "Anderson's Ashes" which was also to remind me of the phoenix which is reborn from its own ashes.  The part of me that was one with Anderson... died and burned to ash when he did... and the me that survived my other half... is the new phoenix, living a whole new life... transformed and renewed.  Anyway... oh yeah... I remember... the speaker was talking about breakups and probably the good that comes from it?  I can't remember.  All I remember is pondering with God... and asking myself... what I would say if God asked me what I wanted if I could have anything in the world. 

I know it probably would have been better to say "world peace" or something noble like that.  I decided that if He asked and since it's just between me and God... that I'd just get ridiculous and ask for what I really wanted... which is to marry Captain America.  I half laughed at myself for thinking this... but I also asked myself what was it about Captain America that I really liked... other than his hotness.  And I thought about it some more... and decided that it was his heart.  He had a good heart.  A sacrificial heart.  A noble one.  He was just a wimpy little guy at first who wanted to serve his country... and somehow chance would have it that he would get chosen for a special mission which gave him a body which would finally enable him to do what he wanted.  And then I started crying.  Because I realized that God already gave me what I wished for... I did marry my Captain America but he'd probably be my Captain Brazil or something instead.  When I met him, he was just a little guy with a good heart... and God chose him and prepared him for a very special mission... one that only he could have undertaken... and I got to be a part of that... a part of us... and that was special.  I hadn't cried about Anderson in such a long time that I thought that maybe I was done crying about him, but that particular day, I realized that maybe I'll never be done crying about it.  It's not so much that I'm stuck in the past but the fact that remembering him moves me and amazes me.  And I'm thankful that I got a chance to be a part of Anderson's special mission... and I've learned so much and changed so much in the process that I cannot deny the beauty that came from his ashes.  That unexpected, undesired time in my life served a great and mighty purpose.  So amazing. 

I wrote last month that I was going through some kind of depressive funk.  I think I'm still going through it a little bit but I hope that I'm pulling out of it.  I'm having more moments where I laugh with my whole heart than moments where I'm depressed and downtrodden.  There are still some things in life that I'm trudging through but in general, I think things are getting better.  I wouldn't have asked God for this kind of detour... but even if I paid for a cruise to Bermuda and ended up having to detour to Boston... I think it all happens for a reason.  Boston, at that time, was safer than Bermuda.  We needed to and we were permitted to dock in Boston and wait for a bit... wait for things to calm down, for waters to recede... and for permission to return to New York.  So maybe I just need to do what I did in Boston... just continue to enjoy the activities around me... eat, drink, be merry... do my studying... and wait til it's time to pull out of the funk and get back to being the me that I want to be.  Just make the most out of what I've got, when I've got it... and what I've got isn't bad... it's not bad at all. 

Oh yeah and I forgot to mention that when I got back from New York, I ended up getting some kind of stomach flu or something... I was vomitting, fatigued, feverish... sweaty and hot and then cold... it gave me even more time to spend resting in bed.  I'm pretty sure I'm better now but because of all that happened in Boston/New York and then my stomach flu, I ended up taking 3 weeks off from work.  Twice as long as I had originally planned but all in all... not too bad.  I went back to work a few days ago and I had my first nursing student in maybe a year.  It was fun.  I love nursing students.  They're so fun and funny and so excited to see things and do things.  I love being reminded about how awesome it is to be a nurse and to get a chance to do the things that I do on a regular basis now.  I feel like I haven't been a nurse that long but when I look at them, I remember that I was where they were just a few years ago and how far I've come since then.  They see nursing with awe and wonder... and delight.  It reminded me to do and to be the same way.  What a privilege it is to be a nurse and to have a job.  Many, many things to be thankful for.

Alritey... I think this was more a post for me to remember the past few weeks than anything else. 

Until next time...

<3 p="p">Tiff

foolish consequences

I haven't written in a very long time.  There's so much swirling around in my head.  I wonder if anything coherent will come of my thought-dumping.  Oh well.  May as well try.  I apologize ahead of time.  It's probably going to be long, boring, and nonsensical. 

I couldn't sleep last night.  I might have fallen asleep around 5am and I woke up at 9 so I could make it to my passport appointment in LA.  Let me back up a bit. 

Lately, I've noticed something about myself.  I'm careless when it comes to some things... forgetful when it comes to some other things.  I was listening on the radio that everyone makes mistakes but it's a fool who makes the same mistake over and over and over again. 

They teach us in nursing school to develop good habits.  If we have good habits, it will prevent us from making mistakes.  Nursing is a little bit different than most jobs.  There are many many different kinds of nurses but for floor nursing, we do 12 hour shifts a few times a week.  We have a skeleton structure as far as what time of day we do assessments, how often we take vital signs, when we typically give scheduled medications but for the most part we prioritize our work day as we see fit according to the varying needs of the patients we care for.  No two shifts are exactly the same and we can never count on them to be either.  We're almost constantly on the move and we're crazy multi-taskers... which makes it even more important that we develop good nursing habits otherwise in the chaos of the regular workday... we could make mistakes.  I'm not a perfect nurse and I never will be but I've been pondering this concept I've learned at work and how it might apply to my everyday life to keep me from making mistakes. 

So I'm quite foolish with a couple of things.  I almost always forget to bring sandals to the gym when I plan to shower there.  I've stood on paper towels, I've showered in my socks... and when I'm wearing Vibrams I can shower in my shoes, but the last time I forgot flip flops, I actually showered in my normal-looking shoes.  It wasn't too bad while I was in the shower but afterwards I had to take home shoes which were soaking wet and dripping all over the place.  As I was fussing with these water-logged shoes in the locker room, I had a thought... that maybe going back to the car wasn't that much of a hassle but I didn't do it cuz I was lazy... and now I have to deal with the consequences of my laziness.  Not a huge deal.  It was over 100 degrees outside that day so they dried fairly quickly when I left them outside.  I've made other mistakes whose consequences were much more costly.

I also... tend to leave things in my pockets when I wash them.  Usually it's not a huge deal... but after having washed my fourth pedometer, my car key fob (thankfully it still worked after being tumbled in the dryer), and finally a stick of magenta lip stain/gloss... I finally had to break down and admit that I have a problem.  Pedometers are easily replaced... sort of.  I even bought an expensive pedometer so I'd be more careful with it but I ended up washing it by accident anyway.  The magenta lip stain all over my white laundry though... that one was a little harder to "undo".  It took me maybe 2.5 hours of spot-treating my whites.  I almost considered just throwing away some items... who knew that 2 inches of lip stain could turn my clothes into Jackson-Pollock-like artwork?  It was more like lipstick than stain/gloss.  Used a combo of dishwashing liquid and the Tide Buzz thingee.  Totally worked.  But I got semi upset at myself for not being more careful.  If only I had checked my pockets, I could have saved myself hours of tedious labor with a fickle machine who loves to malfunction frequently.

Red stains on khaki clothes on white clothes... reminded me of the consequences of my poor judgement, my careless actions... my sins.  It's not the same and I was very fortunate that I could get the stains out... but what if I couldn't?  I love my toki doki scrub top.  I also love my dress with the black top and khaki skirt with the pockets.  I would have had to throw them away.  Maybe the toki doki top could have been wearable with red marks all over it but not the dress.  And it is just clothing... but I cared enough to spend the time to painstakingly go over every square inch of those clothes and remove the stains.  Seconds of carelessness gave way to hours of work to right the wrong...to save my favorite articles of clothing.

Another iteration of this theme of foolish carelessness... I lost my passport.  I'm pretty sure I last used it in 2010 when I took that trip to China and I thought that I was careful with where I put it but obviously not.  I couldn't find it anywhere and I'm going on a Bermuda cruise at the end of the month.  Good thing my cousin asked me for the info last week.  I still had time to apply for a new one with expedited service.  I also had the day off today so I did have the time to drive to West LA, stand in line at the passport agency, sit in line again at the passport agency... and get it taken care of.  I also got the nicest passport agency lady ever.  She was so pleasant.  It did feel like God's grace to me... even though because of my carelessness, I had to pay over double the cost of a regular passport when I JUST got my last one 3 years ago.  And note to self and to others... it doesn't matter if the heels go better with the outfit... and it doesn't matter if they're the most comfortable heels ever... I really shoulda chosen the flats.  Standing in line for over an hour in heels is not fun.  While I kinda think that the lady wearing hello kitty house slippers to the passport agency adorned her feet unacceptably (even if you have a newborn and you're Asian)... I did almost envy her feet after an hour.  Oh well.  At least I looked cute.  Sometimes I dress nicer just in case I'll need "help".  Never can tell with government agencies or getting annoying paperwork or documents.  Couldn't hurt to look put together and pleasant.  I coulda bought a couple of pretty nice pairs of shoes with what I spent to get a new passport.  Yes.  Being careless can be quite expensive. 

I know I'm kinda being a drama queen about my clothes but it's cuz it reminded me of a theme which kinda resulted in a messy, sobbing cathartic episode last night during my insomnia. 

I also hate to only blog when I'm super happy or sad... but sometimes that's when the emotions are stirring and I write to get it out. 

There are some situations that are fixable.  Obviously, it would have been better had I never gotten myself into these situations to begin with but sometimes we make mistakes, we have accidents and in general it's OK.  Might be kinda costly or time-consuming or a hassle but at the end of the day, I can buy another pedometer, I can probably buy a replacement dress or maybe a different scrub top and I can even replace my passport fairly easily... but sometimes you make mistakes and you can't fix it... or sometimes things just happen and there are no do-overs or fix-its or replacements.  There's just accepting it and moving on... making the best with what you've got left. 

This isn't exactly going where I want it to.  It's getting kind of depressing.  But if I'm really honest with myself, I think I've been going through a touch of depression lately.  I'm not sure if anyone else can tell but I can tell.  The thoughts I think... the moments where my face kinda just droops under the weight of a sadness I can't exactly explain... I know something's not quite right.  I'm tired.  I'm getting annoyed at people.  I start to second-guess everyone's behavior and wonder if they hate me or if I've done something to put them off.  I start reading novels when I probably don't have time to.  I start watching TV series or movies... spending way too many hours just vegging in front of a screen when I have better things to do... eating junk food incessantly... taking too many naps... avoiding people.  I've been feeling it for a few weeks now, I think.  I'm thankful that people keep wanting to spend time with me even when I don't initiate.  It helps pull me out of my funkiness. But I was avoiding...something.  I was just sad and I didn't know exactly why... I have no reason to be sad.  I am very, very blessed. 

The other day I felt like crying.  I hadn't cried in a long time.  I watched Grey's Anatomy and I cried during that episode where they took McSteamy off life support.  It took me back to Houston.  Watching the agonal breathing... get slower and slower... until... nothing.  And watching Downton Abbey... how the girls of the day would try so hard to snag a husband only to have one careless mistake leave them rejected and alone. 

In between watching Downton Abbey, I read my Bible reading for the day.  We're reading the life of Jesus and how those who asked healing of Jesus received it instantaneously as a result of their faith.  When Jesus was in his hometown... no one believed so they didn't get hardly any miracles or healings.  Was my sadness my ailment?  My aching heart... I felt like it needed healing... so I asked for it.  What I got almost immediately after was a whole lot of tears.

Always a good day when I cry though.  I'd rather FEEL something than nothing.  I cried harder than I'd cried in a very long time.  And I wished Anderson were here.  As I was crying, I got really honest with myself as to why I felt so sad and why I kinda got upset at myself for being sad.  I felt ugly.  I felt unwanted.  I felt tossed aside and overlooked.  I felt worthless.  I know it's crazy stupid and totally not true but it's how I felt and it is how I feel sometimes.  And I missed having Anderson there for me.  I missed a lot of things about him.  I missed how he always knew what to say to make me feel better.  I missed him telling me that he thought I was the most beauTIFFul woman in the whole entire world.  I know I'm not but he always told me that to him I was and that's all that mattered to him.  I wanted to ask him what he ever saw in me and have him tell me all the reasons he loved me.  I know it's stupid but sometimes I need to hear it.  I think what I missed most of all was that he saw me and loved me... not just for who I was but for who he knew I could become.  He believed in me and hoped in me and when I was rude or mean or lashed out with a razor sharp tongue... he just loved it away.  He was amazing.  But he's not here at the moment.  I'm on my own for now... sort of.

One of the most important lessons I learned in the past few years... through all the heartache and pain... was that through it all and despite it all and in the midst of the most horrible things I could ever imagine... God loves me.  He used Anderson to show me how much He loves me and even though sometimes I think of Anderson and I miss Anderson first... I ultimately settle on the fact that it was God who loved me first and foremost and it is God's love that I yearn for and God's love that will fill the void within me.  Cheez-its won't satisfy.  God will and God does.  I just need to let Him. 

I don't need Anderson to tell me I'm beautiful to be reminded of my worth.  If I were the only lost soul on this planet, Jesus would still have come for me.  He would have died for just me.  I am worth it to Him. But God also gifted me with Anderson and Anderson gifted me with scrapbooks and letters he wrote to remind me of the things I so often forget.  How did he know me so well... to write out all the things he would always say to me and put them in a book... so just in case I forgot... I would always have them to re-read whenever I wanted to?  What amazing foresight.  What amazing love. 

Something else that's been on my mind lately... so at church we just finished a series called "image".  It was basically about immigration, citizenship... hospitality... valuing others because they are God's creation and not for any other reason.  I wrote this to my life group in response to a sermon...

I think what stood out to me most was the line, "don't defame God's beloved"... or something like that.  It kinda tied into something a co-worker said to me the other day... he asked me if anything offends me and it took me a really long time to come up with an answer.  My co-workers poke fun at a lot of things and it usually helps us laugh and get through the day but I decided that I would be SERIOUSLY offended if anyone poked fun at Anderson (my husband) or my marriage.  One of the most insensitive things anyone has ever said to me was, "oh you were only married 6 months... that's like you weren't even married at all" and I was fuming mad at her.  I understand that a lot of people don't know what to say to widows but I was irrationally angry and it was because she was belittling the love of my life and the best thing that ever happened to me.  If I got like that for someone I love with my imperfect love... how much more does God get angry when someone speaks badly about someone He loves unconditionally?  Every single person on this earth... God loves with His unconditional love.  And when we love someone... we will tend to love what they love by proxy so again, I agree with the speaker when he said that we cannot love God without loving His people.  God is madly in love with His people and if we are not also... it may mean we are not madly in love with God either.  

 As I've been struggling through the past few weeks... I've kept in mind, "don't defame His beloved" when I've been annoyed by people.  I know I need to work on being overflowing with God's love but in the meantime... I should keep good habits, be especially mindful of the things I say and do when I'm in this state... to keep myself from having to deal with costly consequences.  Also... Jesus woulda come for just me but He would have also come and died for the most annoying person ever as well... and maybe I'm the most annoying person ever to someone... and nobody wants to be spoken badly of.... and I certainly don't want to offend God by talking smack about the people He loves. 

I'm thankful for His provision for me.  I'm thankful for my job, my friends, my family... even my "stuff".  And I'm also thankful that God thought me valuable enough to de-stain me through His sacrifice and His grace.  Sigh.  Headache. 

Anyway... more of an update/record-keeping post than anything groundbreaking or super interesting.  I'm working on it and I do feel better today.  Hopefully it continues to get better.  I'll cry it out.  No worries.  Always a good day when there's crying involved.  

oh and I found out my IRB proposal passed at the university level.  Now all I have to do it pass it with my hospital and I should technically be good to go as far as implementing my clinical dissertation study.  It's awesome.  It's also work that I'm not exactly looking fwd to...but it has to be done.  Yay?

Thank you for being my friend and for listening. 

<3 p="p">Tiff

Adventure Friends

August was an amazing month.  It was so amazing, I'm still recovering from it.  I've wanted to post some thoughts and ponderings for a couple weeks now but have been finding myself too exhausted at the end of the day to sit down and write.  My thoughts are still so scattered but here we go...

I've been exhausted... but not the kind where I'm depressed at any given moment.  I love having adventures.  If it's possible to have too many adventures... maybe that's what happened.  It's time for me to slow down just a little bit and recharge.  I'm warning you... this is gonna be a long, boring post. 

OK let's see... I've been working in the cardiac ICU for 3+ months now.  I love it.  It's been a good change of pace for me, the people are awesome, adjusting to day shift has been a challenge but I think it's been worth it.  I find myself waking up early a lot.  I sleep a lot less now.  I don't really like that I sleep less but I think I sleep about what everyone else sleeps nowadays.  5-7 hours.  It's not enough tho.  When I worked nights, I used to sleep like 10-12 hrs and I loved it.  It was glorious.  I don't think I could sleep 12 hours straight nowadays even if I tried.  I wake up at like 6am everyday and force myself to go back to sleep until I need to wake up.  Sometimes I wake up every hour.  It's quite disjointed.  But other than the sleep... I really enjoy my co-workers and the patient population.  I like talking to my patients and their families.  I enjoy getting them up and walking around.  It's been a different kind of nursing than I did in the medical/surgical ICU and I like it.  I'm still a newbie and there's a LOT I need to learn but I just like that I'm there to learn it.  Every time I think about how God got me where I am... I'm so so thankful.  Even for the hurt feelings, the disappointments, the frustrations... it all served a purpose.  I never woulda been here if they never happened and where I am now is far, far better than where I was before. 

School stuff... I'm finishing up my 2nd year of my doctoral program.  Crazy how quickly time flies!  I feel like I barely started but... I'm over halfway done now.  Right now, I'm taking my last "easy" class before the hardcore stuff starts.  A friend let me borrow her Pathophysiology book and I'm pretty sure that whopper weighs like 10 pounds.  Many exciting things to come.  Patho, Pharm... health assessment... diagnosing! prescribing!  I'm looking forward to learning and thinking in new and different ways.  A small part of me wonders if I just won't be good at it... if this will be the moment where I begin to fail at something... but... we'll just see how it goes when it comes.  I hope I rock its socks off.  And I'm pretty sure that my classmates won't let me fail.  I'm pretty sure my director won't let me fail either.  They've all been so encouraging and empowering.  I was in class a few weeks ago and I asked about remedial plans if I somehow fail... and my professors scoffed at me (jokingly) and my classmates reminded me that Asian fail (A-) doesn't need remediation.  I roll my eyes at them but they set my bar high and I endeavor to live up to their expectations of me.  I'll just let fear-of-failure-Tiff sit in the closet in the dark for now. 

Dissertation stuff... eh.  I'm having issues with getting clinical contracts in place.  I submitted my IRB proposal and am still waiting for word.  I still have next year to implement even though it's not ideal to be doing clinicals and implementing my dissertation study at the same time.  Eh.  So it goes. 

Alritey... on to the more fun stuff. 

I finally decided to sit down and write because I had the most amazing experience this morning.  I was sipping my soy milk and marveling at how wonderfully God provides for me.  I shall back up and explain a little more.

So next year I start clinical rotations.  I have been having a fairly difficult time securing preceptors (which in non-nursing-speak means mentors to teach me their NP ways in the clinical setting...).  I need probably at least 3 yoda-like NPs for next year's clinical rotations.  I can do some hours with MDs but I should be working with NPs since I am training to be one.  So our clinical contracts person has been having issues as well.  There was some big miscommuniation or misunderstanding about requirements... long story short, none of our class has clinical sites secured yet and we start in 5 months.  It can take a very long time to work out clinical contracts.  Had they told us last year that we needed to find our own preceptors (they reassured us that we didn't need to at that time... just give them suggestions as to where we would like to train), I could have been looking for two years instead of trying to rush at the last minute.  We were all really frustrated when we found out this tidbit of information about a month ago and reconfirmed a few weeks ago in immersion (or my week-long class that I need to go to a couple times a year).  I needed to find a FNP (family nurse practitioner) to work with in a primary care outpatient setting to assess and gather histories for patients across the lifespan.  The "across the lifespan" part was new to us as well.  I guess it's some new requirement from the nursing school gods.  Anyway... nothing seemed to be working out and it was moderately stressing me out.  Even though I was getting rejected left and right from here and there... in the back of my mind, I just had this feeling that God was going to provide miraculously for me... so I shouldn't worry too much about it.  I just had to wait and watch His goodness unfold. 

While I was in class, someone mentioned community public health clinics as a potential option.  I thought about the Health Care Agency (Orange County's Public Health hub) and I remembered that I did meet a nurse who worked there before.  I hadn't talked to her in years but we were facebook friends so why not ask, right?  It's the spray-and-pray method.  I met her through a friend of a friend from college.  College was a billion years ago.  OK undergrad was a billion years ago.  And by billion, I guess I mean 12 years.  Who knew that seeds could have been planted back then for adventures a decade later?  Anyway... while most of my spraying had missed its mark... this particular friend did get back to me and told me that she had the perfect person in mind to precept me.  This alone was significant news.  I was happy that people even asked to help me.  I wasn't expecting such a response.  But she still had to ask the preceptor first.  So I sent her my resume, a cover letter, and some more documents and just continued to hope. 

This weekend, this friend would be coming down to LA to visit and along with bringing me her pathophysiology book, which I'm guessing would save me a Benjamin, at least... arranged a meet-n-greet with the preceptor.  As I listened to her talk about her clinic and the work she does, all I could do was smile and marvel at how God orchestrated this entire thing... this Taiwanese breakfast... to bring 3 women together... who share a deep love for nursing, a deep love for God, and a deep desire to use our God-given gifts to minister to our patients in our workplace and also abroad on medical missions.  I felt the songs of their hearts aligning with the song of my own heart in perfect harmony.  It was delightful.  A joy to behold.  I'm pretty sure a new adventure had begun.  Just one of those things you have a good feeling about.  :)  I was so amazed, I don't think I talked very much... I just smiled and marveled. 

One of the first things the preceptor said to me was that my resume was impressive.  I laughed in my mind.  I remember the first nursing resume I made.  I had absolutely nothing to put on it.  It was super sad.  That was 4 years ago.  God has taken me on some pretty amazing adventures since then.  I don't consider myself ambitious either.  The only reason I've completed so many degrees is because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and I just kept trying different things as a new idea came to me.  I took the scenic route to get to nursing... and while I'm sure my 18-year-old self would have gotten really mad at how long it took me to get there... my 30-year-old self feels that God's timeline was far, far better than the timeline I thought I wanted for myself. And I've collected so many adventure friends along the way.  I wouldn't have traded my adventures and my adventure friends for a direct flight to nursing.  I don't think I would have appreciated it at all and I wouldn't have been the nurse I am today if I hadn't gone through everything I did. 

This past month, I've met up with lots of adventure friends.  Nursing school adventure friends, work adventure friends, family adventure friends, public health adventure friends, lab adventure friends... doctorate nursing school friends... it's so amazing and such a blessing to have such a beautiful collection of friends and the memories associated with them. 

These past couple months I've also made some new adventure friends at church.  I've gone to 3 different churches the past couple years... after having gone to the same church for 20 years.  Once again, I learned a lot... I hurt a lot with every transition... but I don't regret the discomfort or the pain; I don't regret it at all. I would not trade the memories of the amazing people I met during those times of struggle for anything.  Momentary discomfort which gives way to years and possibly an eternity of joy and friendship is so, so worth it.  I have eaten and laughed with these beautiful (mostly) women... I have shared my aches and pains (sometimes literally)... I have poured out my heart, my soul... the work of my hands... onto these people and the fact that I can periodically bask in the sweetness of their companionship from time to time makes me so, so happy.  The adventure friends I've made so far at Newsong NOC (north orange county), have been nothing short of amazing.  I constantly marvel and am so, so thankful for God crossing our paths and for friendships to be formed so quickly. 

One of my new adventure friends and I, keep marveling... almost every single time we hang out... how God arranged the timing of our life map sharing on back-to-back weeks.  It was like she got a crash course on everything that's made Tiff who she is, and I got a crash course on what makes her who she is... so the very next week we just moved on to good friends right after.  I appreciate so many things about her and she appreciates many things about me as well and we never cease to tell each other how thankful we are for one another.  If that is not an answer to the cries of my heart for friendship and community at church, then I don't know what is. 

And this Wordle... was created by a new adventure friend who had known me for maybe a month... but who managed to uplift and encourage me in ways that I can only attribute to God supernaturally guiding her in ways only He knew would touch and move me so deeply and so profoundly... I can't even put into words how I felt when I pulled it out of the envelope. It was jaw-droppingly amazing to me when I opened that card.  I hadn't felt that loved in a long, long time. 

The other day, I remember pondering to God... maybe it wasn't so much pondering... but I was telling God that I really really miss having a best friend.  I miss having another half.  I miss sharing my heart with another.  I miss having one person who knows me inside and out, who knows everything I'm going through... all the day to day minutia... all the things that furrow my brow... the little joys I stumble upon everyday... I miss having one person who knows everything.  I miss Anderson.  I grieved the void he left in my life and my heart.  I wished for someone else to fulfill that role in my life.  And then I heard God tell me... "there is a reason and a purpose for your singleness right now, my love.  I would not withhold this joy from you if it weren't necessary for the things I have in store for you right now.  And what about all the wonderful women I've brought into your life in the meantime?  Are they not amazing?  Isn't this what you've always wanted?  Don't they bring you joy and happiness as well?"  And I couldn't disagree.  Throughout all my adventures with Anderson... whenever God would allow some tragedy to take place, He always brought a joy right alongside it.  When the tumor started growing back the first time, He arranged our engagement to happen right after.  When the tumor started growing back the second time, He orchestrated our miracle wedding 3 days after we got the news.  When Anderson left this earth... God brought me hordes of amazing friends... people I'd known before... people I'd just met... and people I had yet to meet... to come alongside me... to journey with me... to laugh with me... to listen to me... to cry with me sometimes... to eat with me... to adventure with me.  I've never had so many adventures in all my life.  It's inconceivable... all the stories I could tell of how I met so-and-so and how they'd managed to bless me with their unique gifts and talents.  Yes... my adventure friends are more than enough to get me through the first few years of "lonely" widowdom. 

Thank you for being my adventure friend and for journeying with me. Tired... but glad that I got a chance to write down a little bit about some of my adventure friends today. 
<3 p="p">Tiff