Three oh

I've tried to blog my recent thoughts about 3 times in the past few weeks and I have been quite unsuccessful at getting beyond a paragraph...but that's OK.  I think maybe my brain needed a rest and I couldn't push it any further... even to blog.

Even now, I feel the urge to crawl into bed... to be warmed and snuggled under my electric blanket... and then play word games until my eyelids start to get so heavy that I can no longer stay awake.  Soon.  Very soon.

I think that my most recent milestone is probably too important to ignore.  I turned 30 last week.  I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, but overall... I think what stands out to me in the last month or so... is how my 30th birthday has given my friends and family the opportunity to truly show me how awesome they are... and how much they love and care about me.

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
- Walter Winchell 

I recently saw 50/50.  It wasn't a good movie... in fact, I almost regretted watching it... but some of the content really kind of hit home.  The movie is about a 25-year-old guy who was diagnosed with spinal cancer and had a 50/50 chance of survival.  I didn't have to deal with the cancer... but my absolute best friend in the whole wide world did. We were both confronted with our own mortality... with the possibility of separation... our lives were rocked to the core.  In the movie, the main character had a girlfriend who, in the beginning, said that she would take care of him.  She ended up cheating on him and leaving him.  Uncool... but... I kinda think that... most people would have done what she did... and I could see how she would feel trapped... not wanting to deal with all the hardships that come with taking care of someone with cancer... feeling like she'd be doing a horrible thing if she left him... not knowing how to talk about her feelings... not knowing how to support him... being afraid.  It might have been different if he had been the love of her life, like Anderson was for me.  Anyway... these kinds of hardships... these kinds of fires... really show a person's true character.  I don't know if many people other than Anderson saw me for who I really was.  I think Anderson was a real friend to me first.  I made things pretty difficult for us in the beginning of our relationship... and he didn't walk out on me.  He didn't give up on me.  He must have seen something special... something he thought was worth sticking it out for.  And he was right.  He loved me with a kind of love that didn't let me go... the kind of love that purified my character... the kind of love that showed me how to be as good a friend to him as he was to me.  I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to marry Anderson.  Hearing that he had six months to live... only meant that I had to marry him sooner rather than later.  And most of you know our wedding story.  :)  One of my favorite stories to tell. 

"A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else."
- Unknown

When I was in Houston... I distinctly remember thinking to myself that my husband was a pretty awesome fellow... and it was evidenced by the number of people who made it a point to fly out and visit us in Houston.  I was pretty convinced that if I had brain cancer and had to move to Texas for treatment, that I wouldn't have gotten half the number of visitors that came for Anderson.  I think at that time, I had kinda resigned to the fact that... I wasn't the type of person that a lot of people liked.  I wasn't the type of person that a lot of people would have gone the extra mile for.  Perhaps it was because I wasn't the type of person that would have gone the extra mile for anyone else... I dunno.  I really can't remember but there was something wrong with me.  I didn't have many girl friends.  I didn't hang out with hardly any people.  I think I remember crying to Anderson... multiple times... asking him "how come I don't have any friends?". My oh my how things have changed. 

It wasn't that I didn't have any friends.  So... side note... the water in my shower doesn't get very hot.  I'd say that on a good day, I get a warm shower... never a hot one.  I think my last hot shower was when I took a shower at my cousin's house a few weeks ago... and I really didn't actually WANT to take a shower, but I had an inkling that there would likely be some pretty hot water coming out of her awesome showerhead... so I decided that it was worth the "inconvenience" and I ended up taking a shower.  Yes.  It was a pretty awesome shower.  Anyway... so... sometimes... to keep myself from shivering under the warm water that comes out of my showerhead at home... I open the shower door and let the cold air hit me... and then when I get back under the water... it feels a lot warmer.  The water temperature was exactly the same... it's just that I allowed the wind to remind my body of a colder temperature... and then I could better appreciate my warm shower. 

Nearly all the friends I have right now... I had before I married Anderson.  I just... didn't bother to talk to them, keep up with them, visit them... so the rekindling of these friendships makes me realize that my grumbling about not having any friends wasn't actually true. 

I celebrated my birthday this year the same way I celebrated last year.  I don't blame any of you for not reading my short essay of an explanation in the evite I sent out.  I blame myself for not coming up with a better way to communicate my celebration plans.  Maybe next year I'll record a video and post it on FB.  Who knows.  Anyway... so I decided to spend (almost) the entire weekend at home so that I could allow my friends to come at various times when they were able to... to see me and catch up with me.  I sent out an open invitation to anyone who wanted to catch up with me... to do so... whether by coming by, by emailing, by texting, by facetiming... all I wanted to do for my birthday was spend it catching up with my favorite people... and to remember the good times we've shared.  And I was amazed at who wanted to come. 

"A good friend remembers what we were and sees what we can be."
- Unknown

I was telling a couple of good friends yesterday... that one of the things that scared me the most about losing Anderson was that I wouldn't have anyone to remember our memories with.  When we used to lie in bed before going to sleep... we'd always have a "remember when..." conversation... at least a few.  I used to always like asking him to "remember when..." and to tell me what he remembered... how he felt... the things he saw... what he appreciated about that very moment... and then I would tell him what I remembered.  What he remembered was almost always better than what I remembered...shoot and he was the one who had the brain tumor, not me.  I am very, very thankful that his tumors didn't affect his memories.  He was able to "remember when..." with me right up until the day he was intubated... and that was only because he couldn't talk anymore after being intubated... not because his brain stopped working.  Playing the "remember when..." game was always one of my favorite things to do with Anderson.  I know that most of our memories have died with him... and I'm just going to have to wait until we meet again in heaven to remember again.  Anyway... so I just wanted to "remember when..." with my friends.  And I got a chance to do it with a few of the people who celebrated my birthday with me this year. 

"Can miles truly separate us from friends? If we want to be with someone we love, aren't we already there?" - Richard Bach

I was quite amazed by the amount of people who took the time to celebrate with me this year.  Some of my friends traveled from San Diego... from Bakersfield... from the valley... from all over southern California.  I got a facetime call from a friend in Philly. It was...just downright amazing to me. And I know for a fact that many of the people who weren't able to make it... really wanted to.  I have made it a point to respond to every single person who fb messages me "happy birthday"... and this year it took me a VERY long time to respond to the 150 people who left a birthday message. If you took a few seconds to wish me a happy birthday, I wanted to take a few to thank you. It was a lot this year. It was kinda overwhelming, but in a good way.  I also want to write thank you cards (maybe ecards) to the two pages of people who brought me gifts... I'm going to try really hard to make good on that desire.  I am very, very grateful and thankful to be overwhelmed in this way.  It's pretty amazing to me that I have this "problem"... of not feeling that I have enough time to thank everyone. 

"Every gift from a friend is a wish for your happiness..."
- Richard Bach

I was also quite amazed and delighted at some of the gifts that people brought me as well.  I appreciate the thought that went behind the gift sometimes more than the gift itself... and the amount of thought that went into some of these gifts... really, really made me feel loved.  Digging out old silly pictures... finding cards and letters that I sent to them like a decade ago... bringing me beautiful sweet things... and most of all choosing gifts that were so "me".  Some of you have REALLY paid attention to the things that I like... right down to knowing my favorite macaron flavors among my favorite brand of macarons. My friend reminded me that the only way people would be able to give me gifts like that was if they knew me well.  And I had to agree and respond that, "it's nice to be known."

It's getting pretty late... I need to take a warm shower and get to bed.  I'm working tonight.  Sigh.  I guess I'll have to wait until next time to update you guys about work and school... and other thoughts about life and turning 30... but even if I never get around to updating you about me... I just wanted to thank you for being you. 

Forrest Gump said that his momma always said that you could tell a lot about a person by their shoes.  I think I heard it on the radio the other day that you can also tell a lot about a person by the company they keep.  I aspire to be as awesome a friend as you have been to me... and I have a LOT of good role models to learn from.  Thank you, dear friends.  Good night.  :)

<3,
Tiff

P.S. It's never too late to share a favorite memory with me.  I have no time limits on this either.  Email, text, call, facetime me... whatever...whenever.  I would love to play "remember when..." with you and also create new memories for us to "remember when..." in the future.