Inadequacy

Okay.  So I had a lot I wanted to write down and ponder through... yesterday...but by the time I got around to it, it was really late and I figured it woulda been wiser to just go to sleep.  I had a pretty full day today and now that I'm trying to remember about yesterday, I'm having a hard time.  I still want to write so I'll just try. 

I think I do a lot of arguing in my head.  I go back and forth, flit here and there... so writing things out tends to help me gain clarity.  It also helps me decide which thought gets to reign supreme... at least for that day.

I went to two church services yesterday and I'm kind of getting all jumbled as to what was said.  Instead of reporting my thoughts... I think I'll try to write down how the sermons made me feel. 

During the first service, I cried.  I cried pretty hard.  Before you get all sad and stuff... I think you should be reminded that I rather enjoy crying.  I don't really enjoy how I look when I cry but I enjoy how it makes me feel afterwards.  It's cathartic.  And I hadn't cried in a while so I was long due for a purging. 

I went to visit my friend at her church.  I'd been feeling that I miss the Word.  I really love the Word and I love it when other people share what they've learned directly from it.  I also really love learning about the people in the stories... about what they did, how they reacted, and what it meant... how God took it and what God did afterwards. 

This sermon was on Genesis... the Abraham parts more specifically.  I really like Abe.  He had amazing faith.  He did make mistakes... as did almost everyone else in the Bible... but he did believe and God counted it as righteousness. 

I remember reading about what happened back then when they made covenants.  Covenants were something taken very seriously.  They chopped animals in half and then walked between the halves of the animal and it was a symbol of the covenant... that they be torn in half like these animals if they broke covenant.  I'm pretty sure that's the gist of it.  It's a gruesome image and I'm kinda glad that we don't do that today but at the same time... I also wish that people wouldn't make promises so easily and break their word more often than not.  Something I learned on Sunday was that of the two parties making the covenant... the weaker one would walk through.  But what had happened was that God caused a flaming torch to pass through the carcasses... and in that way God lowered Himself to make a covenant with Abraham.  I didn't remember that little tidbit... or I didn't pay attention to it but the pastor made a point to mention it and it really stuck with me.  How great is our God that He would lower Himself to covenant with us?  What an amazing echo of the kind of love God shows His people throughout history. 

Another piece I remember from the sermon was about the promise God made to bless Abe with offspring too numerous to count.  It was about 19ish years after God made that promise to Abe before Isaac was born.  Before that, Ishmael was born... because Abe and Sarah thought they'd help God out in their own way since they were both getting old and they'd been waiting for years already.  So... the thing I learned from that part was... not to rush God's promises.  If I rush and do things my way... I make trouble.  He fulfills His promises in His good timing and a lot of times, He waits until it's humanly impossible before He acts so that we will know with absolute certainty that it was Him and only Him.  He doesn't need me to "help" him... He just wants my obedience and continual submission to Him. 

And about continual submission... God called Abe to forsake everything that he knew... to leave and go to a land which God would tell him (but didn't tell him at the time he had to leave).  I don't know about you but ever since I had a little mishap with the GPS and it led me straight into a prison, I have decided that it would be a good idea to have some kind of a general gist of where I'm going before even leaving the driveway.  Just an overview.  And also... that it's a good idea to trust what I'm seeing with my own eyes and not follow the directions blindly.  This is a good thing to do when driving because GPS's can be wrong... and especially with maps in iOS 6... you best double check just in case.  But this is not the case with God.  God knows all and He knows exactly where you need to go and the perfect route to get there.  It's probably better that you don't trust what your eyes can see because our eyes are so fleshly and dim and sometimes God wants to do so much MORE than our eyes can see that we'd be limited in what we'd receive because our flesh limits us.  God has proven Himself worthy to be trusted 100% at all times... Garmin and TomTom haven't.  So with God... I know the ultimate destination... which is heaven... but everything in between in this life... how long it'll take me to get there... which route I'll be taking... I have no idea.  And God calls me... just like Abe... to just go to a land which He will tell me... step by step... and have confidence knowing that I am exactly where I need to be right now because He wouldn't have detoured me or brought me here if there wasn't an express purpose for it to be so.  I am super bad with directions.  My gut almost always tells me to go the wrong way.  It's usually no biggie... I just have to make a lot of U-turns... but how much more efficient would it be if I just listened to the God who knows... versus listening to myself and then having to make U-turns or having to make a few lefts or rights to get back to where I was and then go the other way? 

Another memorable line was... that God doesn't call us to be martyrs right away... usually not.  In my case... not.  He actually calls us to die slowly over time... on a daily basis.  Dying to myself and choosing God's way instead is my act of obedience and if there is no greater love expressed than to die for others... my obedience is showing God I love Him.  That is definitely something I want to do. 

So... action points.  It's always good to have action points.  To be a doer of the Word and not merely a hearer.  I thought about what I needed to die to... and the first thought that came to mind... the first thought that always comes to mind lately... is my singleness and the desire to be married again.  It's not a bad thing.  Actually... later on that day, I was reading about how Paul was saying to the Corinthians, I think... that singles and widows should remain single and it's a good thing... which was pretty encouraging as a reminder to be thankful that I don't have to worry about pleasing God AND a husband... I just need to concern myself with pleasing God.  So yeah.  I definitely put singleness at the top of the list of things I need to submit to God. 

But I also sensed... that I wasn't done yet... that God wasn't done yet.  He wanted to push me to dig deeper than the obvious.  So I searched further.  What else to submit... and then one word came to mind: inadequacy. 

When that word came to mind... a mighty rush of thoughts smacked me in the face.  I dunno if thoughts can smack you in the face if they're in your head but they might have smacked me in my figurative brain face.  I had the realization that I have an intense fear of failure because I fear not being good enough; I fear being proven inadequate. 

I remember the day I got my first C in AP Euro.  I cried at school for the first time and I was pretty much inconsolable during lunchtime.  I think about it now and it was such a small thing but I was getting flashbacks or glimpses of how deep-seated my fear of inadequacy really is.  I had another flashback to the day I decided to put away the MCAT books and not take the test.  It was a conscious choice to avoid going down that road.  I had a lot of other reasons as well but... I think that fearing that I wouldn't be good enough was one big one I never wanted to admit to anyone else.  I had another flashback to the night right before I was about to meet with a cardiologist.  I was SO nervous.  I was pacing the unit...all jittery... waiting for him to arrive... and my friend told me that she'd never seen me so unglued.  Again something so small but my body defied my logic.  And another flashback to a week ago when I knew I wasn't prepared to take my neuro/endocrine/hematology exam.  I was extremely nervous.  Irrationally nervous.  I knew in my head that it was no big deal if I didn't do well on this test... that I could make it up on the next tests... but my body was betraying my mind.  And then a few days ago when my manager told me that she was possibly going to assign me to be team leader in the unit.  I freaked out.  I couldn't sleep.  I was SO scared that I was going to be pushed into this role and that I would be found lacking... that I would let down the patients in the unit... that I would be found out for the fraud that I am...or think I am. 

Now... is it a facade... is it truth... or is it completely false? Am I truly a fraud?  Have I built up facades of strength, of competence, of capability... and am I just worthless underneath? Or is it true that I am a fraud... that I am not a good nurse... a good woman... a good friend... it's just all a beautiful illusion?  Or is it just another lie that Satan would like me to believe... is it true that I am strong, competent, and capable and that I am being fed the lie to tear me down and weigh my heart with sadness... to keep me from soaring in freedom like I should be? 

I think that there isn't a simple straight answer.  I am not 100% of anything at all times.  Sometimes I am putting up a facade.  Sometimes I am a fraud.  Sometimes I have skated by on pure luck or have been saved by the competence and excellence of those around me and not by my own acumen.  I don't even know if I'm using that word right.  It just seemed right in that place.  I might just be a good test taker and not necessarily a master of the material.  I might pass the multiple choice but fail the practicum... which is where it really counts.  Maybe I'm just good in theory. 

And I think that my inadequacy also pervades my struggle in my own singleness as well.  What if I'm just good in theory but in practice... no one wants me.  And that's when the waterfall of tears came.  I had let one or two tears squeak by but I couldn't hold them in any longer the moment that thought came into my head... "who would want you?  no one thinks you're good enough to want to share their life with... to cherish and have at their side... no one wants to be your partner because you are NOT good enough and you never will be". 

These thoughts came to mind right as the worship team started to lead us through Forever Reign... in perfect timing to minister to me in my thoughts. 

You are good You are good
When there’s nothing good in me
You are love You are love
On display for all to see
You are light You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy You are joy
You’re the reason that I sing
You are life You are life
In You death has lost it’s sting

[Chorus]
Oh I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here You are here
In Your presence I’m made whole
You are God You are God
Of all else I’m letting go

[Repeat Chorus]

My heart will sing
No other Name
Jesus
Jesus 

In the very moment when I felt destroyed and beaten to an inch of my life by an onslaught of toxic thoughts of inadequacy... it was time for me sing this chorus and to run into His arms.  Or maybe crawl... crawl quickly.  And when I got there... it was also time for God to cradle me against His chest... for me to rest my head on His shoulders and for me to feel the strength of His hands over my head, on my back and under my legs... fully supporting the whole weight of me so I could just let go.  I didn't need to hang on for dear life... I could just rest.  Rest and cry until I had no more tears to cry. And be washed with the peace that always comes after coming honestly before God. 

Whelp... and then the lights came on and it was the end of one service.  Half an hour later I found myself a couple miles away at another church... going into another service... still pondering my thoughts from the first service. 

There were a few things I remember about the second service... but the thing that stood out most was that "heaven is experiencing the evidence that God is there... being loved by Him".  And I smiled knowing that I had experienced a glimpse of heaven that morning. 

I hadn't recognized the extent of how deep and how broad my fear of inadequacy actually extended.  You really don't figure out what you don't know until you've been tested.  After the testing... and after being able to review the test... you can then start to plan out how you're going to start building up your weaknesses and patching up the holes... hopefully before it starts raining. 

So all in all... a good Sunday. 

Jehovah Rapha... heal my heart. Jehovah Shalom... grant me peace.  Jehovah Jireh... provide for my needs.  You know what's pretty crazy... He's already done it.  Past tense.  All I have to do is believe it.  It is my unbelief that keeps me from experiencing and recognizing it to the full extent of His grace and provision.  You know what's also pretty crazy that I was pondering... I remember pondering it on the 57 North on-ramp at Lambert... that God has so many names because He is Everything.  The only reason we need to have echoes and repetition and different names are because we can only comprehend bits and pieces at a time... but He is everything all at once... to everybody at all times... and He has been and will continue to be... since time began and until forever and ever.  How can we even begin to grasp His vastness and greatness?  I only know a single drop compared to the oceans of His greatness.  So crazy.  And a God like this would humble Himself... carrying with Him the greatest love ever... to meet me... a nobody... in that velveteen chair on a random Sunday... and every time and anywhere I ask Him to... for always and forever.  My heart will sing no other name... Jesus.  The riches of Your love will always be enough.

<3 p="p">Tiff

But practically... I definitely need to (not necessarily in any particular order...):

• Love God, love others.  
• Study more and study harder.  Not just to pass multiple choice tests but to pass practicums.  Must achieve clinical awesomeness.
• Strive for excellence in all areas of my life.  Prove myself a worker approved by God and men. 
• Discipline myself and make good choices... in what I take in, in what I do, in what I take care of... to run the race to win the prize.  I'm going for "Olympic gold" in my life and nothing less. 
• Cut out the excess, tidy and organize what I have been placed in charge of.  I want to be ready for a test at all times and I want to be found as a servant who has multiplied my talents by 100% or more.  
• Remember... who I am, in Whom I place my worth, and Whose opinion matters most.
• Get a smog check (by January 28). 
• Rest. 

 Rest now.  Night all. 

Read more: HILLSONG - FOREVER REIGN LYRICS

Read more: HILLSONG - FOREVER REIGN LYRICS

You are good, You are good When there's nothing good in me You are love, You are love On display for all to see You are light, You are light When the darkness closes in You are hope, You are hope You have covered all my sin
You are peace, You are peace When my fear is crippling You are true, You are true Even in my wandering You are joy, You are joy

Read more: HILLSONG - FOREVER REIGN LYRICS

The cruise... to Boston

I try to write something whenever something significant happens in my life... just to remember.  I don't think I'll be forgetting this anytime soon but I thought I'd still write it down.  I've been pondering it for a few weeks now. 

Last month I took an actual vacation.  I requested about a week and a half off of work, I bought plane tickets, paid for a cruise... this is how it was supposed to go:

• Fly to New York.  Spend a couple days there.
• Get on a cruise ship and sail to Bermuda.  Spend 4 days either at sea or in Bermuda.
• Disembark in New York, spend a day and a half in New York and fly home.

 That is NOT what ended up happening.  I kept thinking about how this vacation seemed to remind me of how life ends up happening... hardly anything goes as planned but you kinda just make the most out of what you've got and just enjoy the ride.

My favorite New York pizza

So what did end up happening was although the first part of my vacation went as planned... things started to get all crazy once Hurricane Sandy decided to visit.  I made it to New York and spent a couple days there... touring my favorite eateries... met up with a couple friends.  Got a chance to meet up with a friend who recently moved back to Jersey.  Very special.  :)  Thankfully, I hit up my favorite places during these first few days.  Even went to Zabar's twice.

My absolute favorite NYC meal... #1 Proscuitto and Mozarella panini, fresh squeezed orange juice, and frozen yogurt at Zabar's

While I was in New York, I get an email from the cruise line letting us know that they cancelled our stop at the Bermuda port.  Boo.  Since Hurricane Sandy was coming north towards New York, we kinda figured that we would travel away from the hurricane and end up cruising north... to Canada.  This was problematic since I had already packed for 80 degree Bermuda.  Thankfully my cousin was able to lend me a couple items with sleeves.  All I packed were tank tops, a cardigan and one jacket for 60 degree New York.  So... small change in plans... but the cruise was still a go. 

We get to the dock on Saturday and check in... it's then that they break the news that our cruise destination would be Boston.  Hm.  Not quite what we were expecting but whatevers.  The point was to hang out with my cousins on the cruise and that's exactly what we would do regardless.  And I have a friend in Boston too.  Maybe we could schedule a last minute hangout. 

We were at sea on Sunday.  I am very prone to motion sickness and let me tell you... it was pretty darn tipsy on the ship that day.  We did manage to take a yoga class.  I don't remember too much about that day other than we kept running into walls.  Yay for ginger chews.  I didn't throw up at all.  :) 

Monday we were docked in Boston Harbor but they cancelled all our "excursions" due to the stormy weather.  We spent another day on the boat.  Tuesday, we were still docked in Boston and we were allowed to get off the boat.  We were then finding out that New York and New Jersey were flooded and they were cancelling flights flying out of JFK.  They also told us that they would be extending our cruise from Wednesday to Friday, and that they didn't know where we would be ending the cruise since the Brooklyn harbor was also flooded and closed.  Hmph.  They would give us announcements every few hours with updates but mostly the updates were that they were sorry to have to interrupt our original plans due to "deteriorating weather".  They wouldn't tell us anything beyond what was possibly going on the next day.  By Wednesday, we all decided that we would just change out flights and fly out of Boston on Saturday night.  Flights were still being cancelled out of JFK and we didn't want to risk getting stuck in New York.  Thankfully, our airlines allowed us to change our flights without charging us extra.  Thursday, we woke up and found out we were out to sea again.  By then they told us that we'd be disembarking in New York on Friday morning.  We also found out that lower Manhattan was flooded, the subway system wasn't working, there was no power, and there was a gas shortage.  They were in a state of disaster.  Our next plan was to rent a car, get out of the disaster zone, drive to Boston, spend a night in Boston and then fly out of Logan airport.  Which is what we did.

Got a chance to re-live a favorite memory with my nursing school partner while in Boston

All in all, it was an interesting experience.  Come to think of it, the last time I was in New York in October, Air Force One grounded my departing flight, I spent 6 hours sitting in an airplane which had non-functioning bathrooms, some sort of engine malfunction, and then it started raining by the time they got everything sorted out and they cancelled my flight home.  I had to spend another night in New York and fly home the next day.  This experience was much better than the last one.  Even though there was disaster and mayhem going on all around us, I felt like all of us on that cruise ship were protected from it all.  There was some rocking on the boat that first day we were at sea, but we never lost power, we never ran out of food, and we were never bored.  There was still plenty of activities planned on the boat and all of the staff were still courteous and polite to us despite having to serve us all for a few extra days.  And I got to watch a lot of movies on the boat.  And I got to spend a few extra days hanging out with my cousins.  It really reemphasized to me how it really didn't matter what was happening around us... we enjoyed the extra time we had to spend with one another and just took things day by day. 

Not everyone on the boat felt the same way we did though.  A lot of people were extremely upset and took out their anger on the staff... were complaining to one another, were demanding this and that from airlines, from travel agents, from whoever they were trying to get a hold of to correct their situation in their eyes... and a lot of times, they were just downright nasty.  I had an exam the following Monday and one particular day, I was studying in the library/internet cafe and every single person in that room was complaining to someone about something.... and there I was with my ipad and notebook, scribbling away, trying to re-learn immunology and acid/base balance. 

Plenty of time to think on the boat.  Even though I didn't throw up, I still got semi-motion sick.  Sometimes it just felt better to lay down in bed than try to walk on a rocking ship.  I kept thinking about how much this vacation reminded me about how sometimes my life just doesn't go as planned.  When I was younger, I thought I had my whole life planned out.  I thought I'd graduate at 22, get married by 25 and have all 2-3 of my kids by the time I was 30.  I really didn't think about what I'd do as a job... I thought that being married and starting a family was more important... that I'd give up my career if it came down to it... and then just stay at home and do crafts or cook or bake all day long. 

I met the man I was going to marry at the age of 21.  I could have been on schedule to have the life I wanted... but... that's not what ended up happening.  I didn't get what I asked for... I got something entirely different.  A long distance relationship, my boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer at age 25, I was married and widowed by 27, and instead of children, I have 3 degrees and going on a 4th at age 30.  What an odd turn of events. 

I should have written this down a few weeks ago because now that I'm trying to write it, I've forgotten a lot of what I wanted to write.  At church, we're going through a series called "Beauty for Ashes".  I think I missed a couple of sermons while I was in New York/Boston, but the first one I remember of the series... actually I can't even remember what the speaker actually talked about but I do remember what I was thinking about during the sermon.  First of all, the title, Beauty for Ashes... reminded me of Anderson... (1) that he was cremated... and (2) that I originally named my blog, "Anderson's Ashes" which was also to remind me of the phoenix which is reborn from its own ashes.  The part of me that was one with Anderson... died and burned to ash when he did... and the me that survived my other half... is the new phoenix, living a whole new life... transformed and renewed.  Anyway... oh yeah... I remember... the speaker was talking about breakups and probably the good that comes from it?  I can't remember.  All I remember is pondering with God... and asking myself... what I would say if God asked me what I wanted if I could have anything in the world. 

I know it probably would have been better to say "world peace" or something noble like that.  I decided that if He asked and since it's just between me and God... that I'd just get ridiculous and ask for what I really wanted... which is to marry Captain America.  I half laughed at myself for thinking this... but I also asked myself what was it about Captain America that I really liked... other than his hotness.  And I thought about it some more... and decided that it was his heart.  He had a good heart.  A sacrificial heart.  A noble one.  He was just a wimpy little guy at first who wanted to serve his country... and somehow chance would have it that he would get chosen for a special mission which gave him a body which would finally enable him to do what he wanted.  And then I started crying.  Because I realized that God already gave me what I wished for... I did marry my Captain America but he'd probably be my Captain Brazil or something instead.  When I met him, he was just a little guy with a good heart... and God chose him and prepared him for a very special mission... one that only he could have undertaken... and I got to be a part of that... a part of us... and that was special.  I hadn't cried about Anderson in such a long time that I thought that maybe I was done crying about him, but that particular day, I realized that maybe I'll never be done crying about it.  It's not so much that I'm stuck in the past but the fact that remembering him moves me and amazes me.  And I'm thankful that I got a chance to be a part of Anderson's special mission... and I've learned so much and changed so much in the process that I cannot deny the beauty that came from his ashes.  That unexpected, undesired time in my life served a great and mighty purpose.  So amazing. 

I wrote last month that I was going through some kind of depressive funk.  I think I'm still going through it a little bit but I hope that I'm pulling out of it.  I'm having more moments where I laugh with my whole heart than moments where I'm depressed and downtrodden.  There are still some things in life that I'm trudging through but in general, I think things are getting better.  I wouldn't have asked God for this kind of detour... but even if I paid for a cruise to Bermuda and ended up having to detour to Boston... I think it all happens for a reason.  Boston, at that time, was safer than Bermuda.  We needed to and we were permitted to dock in Boston and wait for a bit... wait for things to calm down, for waters to recede... and for permission to return to New York.  So maybe I just need to do what I did in Boston... just continue to enjoy the activities around me... eat, drink, be merry... do my studying... and wait til it's time to pull out of the funk and get back to being the me that I want to be.  Just make the most out of what I've got, when I've got it... and what I've got isn't bad... it's not bad at all. 

Oh yeah and I forgot to mention that when I got back from New York, I ended up getting some kind of stomach flu or something... I was vomitting, fatigued, feverish... sweaty and hot and then cold... it gave me even more time to spend resting in bed.  I'm pretty sure I'm better now but because of all that happened in Boston/New York and then my stomach flu, I ended up taking 3 weeks off from work.  Twice as long as I had originally planned but all in all... not too bad.  I went back to work a few days ago and I had my first nursing student in maybe a year.  It was fun.  I love nursing students.  They're so fun and funny and so excited to see things and do things.  I love being reminded about how awesome it is to be a nurse and to get a chance to do the things that I do on a regular basis now.  I feel like I haven't been a nurse that long but when I look at them, I remember that I was where they were just a few years ago and how far I've come since then.  They see nursing with awe and wonder... and delight.  It reminded me to do and to be the same way.  What a privilege it is to be a nurse and to have a job.  Many, many things to be thankful for.

Alritey... I think this was more a post for me to remember the past few weeks than anything else. 

Until next time...

<3 p="p">Tiff