Striving for Excellence

There are moments in my life when I share the deep, dark honesties of my heart... where I reveal my ugliest cries in public... and somehow I feel like even though other people have witnessed it... that it's mostly just between me and God.  It's cathartic.  I'm always amazed though... at how when I share my ugliness, my weaknesses, my pain, my sorrows... when I cry out to God and allow other people to see it... that I actually don't feel ashamed and I don't feel judged (lately)... it actually somehow has the opposite effect sometimes.  People who don't usually talk to me or message me... will tend to take the time to encourage me.  Sometimes as they encourage me, they will share their struggles as well.  I think it's very touching.  It's also extremely fascinating to me to find out which parts of my struggles and my story stuck out to them the most and which parts they respond to.  I think it speaks a lot to where they are in their lives and I feel privileged that they have shared a bit of their lives with me.  I am privileged to know them and to call them friend.  

Today's sermon gave me a lot to think about.  It was about friendship.  It was quite timely actually.  I've been pondering my friends... the blessings that they are... how I can encourage them more... how I can be a better friend... and I think the sermon gave me the insight I needed... at least generally.  

From my notes...

Christian friendship...

• Sharpens (We call each other out in love.  We help make one another better.)
• Supports (through hard times, through grief, we are to be present and be quiet)
• Celebrates (to joy with another's joy... even if it doesn't exactly excite me)

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." John 15:12-13 (ESV)

Jesus calls us to be a Christ-like friend to change the world.  He, himself, set the example as the greatest friend EVER because He showed us the greatest love possible... by laying down His life for His friends (that would be us).  We can love because He first loved us.  When we receive Him as our Lord and Savior, the Holy Spirit dwells within us and we have the same love and same power He has to love in the ways He loves.  It is therefore possible, my friends... to love as Jesus does... to see people as Jesus does... as friends... as worthy and valuable enough to die for.  

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. Philippians 2:3 (NASB)  

So... I've been challenged... to be a friend who supports and sharpens.  And I also write this down for myself as well.  I am certain that I will need to remind myself of all of this very soon.  Anyway... so my heart was moved tonight.  I feel like quite a few people have shared their struggles with their singleness with me lately and every time my ears hear your struggle and my eyes see your loneliness... my heart moves and groans for yours.  It is my hope and my prayer that I can be an encouragement to my single lovelies... but honestly, my dears... all I can do is share what helps get me through my own struggle.  If it helps and it works for you... I'm glad.  If not... it's OK.  Just know that I wished and hoped with all my heart that I could help remind you that you are beautiful, you are worthy, and you are loved... and give you a big hug too.

No one's struggle and no one's pain is exactly the same.  I recognize that.  I know that some will look at me and say, "at least you were married... at least you found someone who loved you with the beautiful kind of love that I've always dreamed about..." and yes... I am blessed to have loved and to have been loved.  Even amongst widows/widowers... the struggle is not exactly the same... you could always make the point, "well at least you had 30 years together before your husband passed..." but that's not really the nicest way to approach someone else's pain, is it?  When people say those things or think those things, it's like trying to tell the other person that they don't understand your pain because their pain is much less than your own when in actuality... everyone's deepest pain is the worst ever to them because they themselves are the ones feeling it and experiencing it.  You had a bad breakup.  My husband died of brain cancer.  It all hurts and we're all at varying stages of coping with and dealing with it.  We can just come together and learn from one another... when we put aside our own pain and regard someone else's pain as more important than our own.  

As I was trolling my FB feed, I found that somebody "liked" this so I read it and it really made me stop and think.  

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: “What kind of man are you looking for?”

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye asking, ‘Do you really want to know?’
Reluctantly, he said,”Yes.”

She began to expound…

“As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can’t do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man…or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, ‘What can you bring to the table?’”

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought & stated, “I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.” 

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.
She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, ‘Do you really want to know?’Reluctantly, he said,”Yes.” 

She began to expound…
“As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can’t do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man…or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, ‘What can you bring to the table?’ 

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.
She quickly corrected his thought & stated, “I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.”He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain. 

She said, “I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple-minded man.
I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don’t need to be unequally yoked…believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.
I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don’t need a financial burden.
I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.
I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man.
I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.
I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him.
I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive…he just has to be worthy.
And by the way, I am not looking for him…He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself.”
When she finished her spiel, she looked at him.
He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said,”You are asking a lot.”
She replied, “I’m worth a lot”.

At first, I was like, YES.  That is amazing. I SHOULD remember that I am worth a lot and that I should never settle. And then I thought again... it would be NICE to have all of those things... but do I NEED them and do I NEED them all right NOW? I was talking to a friend about our "lists" and basically it boiled down to... this... the man of my dreams would be able to tell me that he is madly in love with Jesus first, and me next and I will be able to say that to him as well. The rest, we will figure out, journey through, and grow together alongside one another. Is it too simplistic? I dunno.  I am not ready-made-perfect and I can't expect someone else to be either. The woman who says she NEEDS all these things... she'd better be a woman who is striving for excellence in all areas of her life as well. Who am I to say that I'm the kind of woman who deserves this kind of man? I'd better be working on it and working on it hard if this is what I'm asking for.  

I agreed with a lot of those statements but the part that actually stood out to me most was... "And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."  If God made me to be someone's helper... if I am tailor-made to be someone's helper... does it really mean that he will find me? That we were meant to be? Does that place all the burden on the man then? To be looking for me? I think... once again... if this is a man striving for excellence in all areas of his life... he will recognize those same qualities in me... and we will journey towards excellence together... maybe?

So I was talking with a friend the other day and she said that this book called, "The Exemplary Husband", changed her brother's life.  I might be exaggerating and paraphrasing but... it got me curious.  So I bought it.  And then I thought it unfair (and slightly ridiculous) that I was interested in reading about how to become an exemplary husband when I will never be able to become one... so I also ended up buying the companion book for women entitled, "The Excellent Wife".  I also thought it somewhat unfair to read the husband book before I read the wife book so I decided to read the wife book first.  And if I ever get through the Excellent Wife book...I'll get to read the husband book and find out what was so life-changing about it.  

It's not surprising that the first few chapters of The Excellent Wife go over Proverbs 31...  I haven't gotten very far in this book so I can't speak for the rest of it... but this is not a bad place to start if I want to know more about how to be an excellent wife.  

The Woman Who Fears the Lord

10  An excellent wife who can find?

She is far more precious than jewels.

11  The heart of her husband trusts in her,

and he will have no lack of gain.

12  She does him good, and not harm,

all the days of her life.

13  She seeks wool and flax,

and works with willing hands.

14  She is like the ships of the merchant;

she brings her food from afar.

15  She rises while it is yet night

and provides food for her household

and portions for her maidens.

16  She considers a field and buys it;

with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

17  She dresses herself with strength

and makes her arms strong.

18  She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.

Her lamp does not go out at night.

19  She puts her hands to the distaff,

and her hands hold the spindle.

20  She opens her hand to the poor

and reaches out her hands to the needy.

21  She is not afraid of snow for her household,

for all her household are clothed in scarlet.

22  She makes bed coverings for herself;

her clothing is fine linen and purple.

23  Her husband is known in the gates

when he sits among the elders of the land.

24  She makes linen garments and sells them;

she delivers sashes to the merchant.

25  Strength and dignity are her clothing,

and she laughs at the time to come.

26  She opens her mouth with wisdom,

and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

27  She looks well to the ways of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28  Her children rise up and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

29  “Many women have done excellently,

but you surpass them all.”

30  Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

31  Give her of the fruit of her hands,

and let her works praise her in the gates.

Many a woman have read through the Proverbs 31 description and have decided that it was impossible for them.  But I think that it's just one of those things... like the fruit of the Spirit... where if you cultivate the tree, the fruit will grow naturally.  Every Christian woman has the power, the strength, and the wisdom to become a Proverbs 31 woman... because the Holy Spirit dwells within us.  As we are conformed to His likeness... sanctified and made holy through the continual process of refinement and transformation... we CAN become a woman whose husband praises her... whose children call her blessed... who has a husband whose heart trusts in her and whose worth is far more precious than jewels. If I want to be this kind of woman... a woman of excellence... and I delight myself in the Lord... He will grant me the desires of my heart.  I don't see any reason why He wouldn't.    

A few of the other things that have encouraged me lately... I've been reading in 1 Samuel 8... about the Israelites and their desire for a king.  Maybe this is a stretch but God used this story about the Israelites to remind me... why I shouldn't be jealous of other nations who have a king... or other women who have husbands or boyfriends.  The Israelites wanted a king because they wanted to be like the other nations and they wanted a king to lead them in war.  To me... this sounds like they want the glorious parts about having a king... without realizing that the king will tax them, will make them into slaves, will take the best of their land, the best of their crops, the best of their livestock... and give it to their servants in their palace.  Without a king... God is their king.  God is the most perfect King ever.  If God is the only One to whom I need to submit my life to... it's not a bad thing... in fact... it's a great thing.  The Apostle Paul reminds us that it is a good thing to remain single... it is a gift.  But then again, I think that if the desire is in your heart... you probably weren't meant to be single... 

I really don't think I was meant to be single, but the fact that I am... doesn't mean that I am any less valuable or that God loves me less than the next person... in fact, He probably loves me more because I am in desperate need of Him and His love even more as a single woman.  I trust in His provision for my life and I also trust that God knows how to give good gifts to His children and He would not withhold good things if it weren't in my best interests for the time being.  If I think back on all the ways in which God has provided for me... through my job... my career... in my church... in granting me the desires of my heart... even in the small things when my heart desired a bag of fritos and someone delivered me some... why wouldn't He also take care of this big desire as well?  And if the answer He gives me is "no" and I am to remain single for the rest of my life... there must be a reason for it.  There must be some series of events in my life which necessitate me to retain the best of me to do His good work... and having a boyfriend or husband would only detract from that.  Maybe there's something I need to learn and the only way I can feasibly learn it is through my singleness.  Or MAYBE... and God totally loves to do this btw... where He waits until it's like humanly impossible and then He goes and zaps His glory down to show you that this turn of events could ONLY have come from Him... just like Sarah becoming preggers with Isaac... like pushing the Israelites up against the raging Red Sea as the Egyptians pursued them... like fishing all night and coming up with nothing and then having Jesus say just drop your nets one more time and you do it and you haul in the biggest load of fish of your life... so much so that your nets are going to break.  We never know, my friends... what crazy amazing things God is going to do in our lives with our singleness.  Don't waste one more minute wishing it away... spend every minute from now until it's no longer here... relishing in the blessing of it... making the most out of it... and I think that by the end of our lives... if we have ended up journeying our way to heaven without a male life mate... we can all look back and marvel at all the glorious things God did in our lives when we embraced the life God gifted and tailored specifically for us and strived for excellence in every aspect of it.  Win-win.  

Ok it's way late.  Better go.  If you're a single guy... you can just switch it all and use your imagination.  Sorry.  This one was for my lady friends more than anything else but maybe you could learn a few things too.  Who knows.  

much love,

Tiff

Receiver

I had THE MOST REMARKABLE AND AMAZING week EVER.  I don't even know where to begin.  

OK.  How bouts I begin with May 26th.  

On May 26th... I am pretty darn sure I was sad.  Not just a normal sad... it was like... a deep, deep unexplainable... too-profound-for-words sadness that I could not put my finger on... I could not identify a cause... all I knew was that I was plagued and clouded... but functional.  I went about my day... went to church... I sang, I took notes during the sermon... and at the end of the sermon, the pastor asked that the prayer team come up and anyone who needs prayer should come up.  

Let me just say... that I NEVER go up.  I can't remember a time in all my life where I've gone up for an altar call, gone up to be prayed over... I NEVER do it.  Maybe I always figured that other people need it more than me... that I'm not the type that responds in public... I respond to God in the privacy of my sanctuaries... in my mind... in my own heart... and I just DON'T respond to God in that way.  But something inside of me began to bubble up.  My heart started racing... my face got really hot... and I had this feeling that I'm either going to vomit or get up and do what God's prompting me to do.  So... I looked at the prayer team.  There were two men on the right, closest to where I was sitting.  I didn't want to be prayed over by either of those two men even though they're great guys.  I looked to the left and there were two women... and the one woman that I know... she was furthest away from me.  I would have to walk clear across the entire stage in order to get to the friend I knew.  Aye.  But... I did it.  I got up and spilled all my stuff on the floor... stumbled over my pew buddy... walked down the aisle... walked clear across the front of the stage in my hot pink maxi dress (could I BE any more conspicuous?!?!?) and I walked past the woman I didn't know... and went straight for my friend.  I was greeted by her with her usual welcoming smile... and I gave her a hug.  After I gave her the hug... I lost it.  All control... all composure... everything flew out the door and I started bawling.  I couldn't even stand anymore.  I crumbled to my knees and let the waterfalls rush out of my eyes... drenching the front of my skirt... and the front of my cardigan... and I could not speak.  All I could do was cry.  

My lovely friend prayed for me.  She prayed what was on her heart and I can't remember what she said... but I remember her hand on my right shoulder... attempting to rub away the convulsions as I wailed and hiccuped and gasped for air... I remember my mind being empty as I cried.  I didn't understand it... I couldn't identify any reason why I was crying... it might have been a continuation of the prior week when I cried over my singleness and my unborn eggs... but I think... it might have been that I was fully surrendering my childhood dream of being married and having my own children.  I know it sounds kind of like a big thing and it totally is... but I don't understand why I had such a violent reaction that particular day.  Regardless though... I remember being puzzled... on my knees in the dark... wailing my heart out... and I heard the worship team sing this song.  I think it's the only thing I remember hearing... the only thing that floated over the sounds of my own wailing... was "how He loves".  

And He is jealous from me, loves like a hurricane, I am a treeBending beneath the weight of His wind and mercyWhen all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by gloryAnd I realize just how beautiful You areAnd how great Your affections are for me
And oh, how He loves us, soOh, how He loves us, how He loves us so
And He is jealous from me, loves like a hurricane, I am a treeBending beneath the weight of His wind and mercyWhen all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictionsEclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You areAnd how great Your affections are for me
Oh, how He loves, yeah, He loves usOh, how He loves us, oh, how He loves usOh, how He loves
And we are His portion and He is our prizeDrawn to redemption by the grace in His eyesIf His grace is an ocean, we're all sinkingAnd heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kissAnd my heart turns violently inside of my chestI don't have time to maintain these regretsWhen I think about the way
Oh, how He loves us, ohOh, how He loves us, how He loves allHow He loves
Yeah, He loves us, oh, how He loves usOh, how He loves us, oh how He lovesOh, I love
Yeah, He loves us, yeah, He loves usHow He loves us, oh, how He loves us so

I felt a little bit better after that.  I felt like I made a huge scene... but no one asked.  My pew buddy prayed over me when I got back to my seat and I spent a few minutes journaling the lyrics to How He Loves before I was ready to go out and see people again.  I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.  I didn't look too bad considering I had just wailed my guts out... or so I thought.  And then I went about my day.  I think that was the day of our last softball games... I was so exhausted from the wailing... I could barely keep my mind in the games... but thankfully I was on the bench for most of it.  God's grace to me to give me a little break and to primarily watch my softball team fight our way to second place in our league.  

The following day is when God really began to tangibly SHOW me how He loves me.  I got texts... from people who asked me how I was doing.  As I shared with them that I was having a tough emotional day... they rallied alongside me... they sent me encouragements... they wanted to meet with me... they were amazing.  If I ever felt forgotten during my month long funk... I did not feel forgotten anymore.  

I stayed with my aunt while I started clinicals at City of Hope.  And she took really good care of me.  Packed me lunch.. made me breakfast... and friends who were close or maybe not even that close before... began to show me how much they love me.  And the timing of it all was a little too remarkable... as if God was trying to remind me... I have not forgotten you.  I remember you and I see you... and I can provide for you miraculously in the blink of an eye... to bring about "something" out of "nothing" so you needn't worry about anything.  You are not alone.  I will never leave you and I will send people to remind you how much I love you and am actively taking care of you.  

My emotions were extremely heightened after that day.  I found myself both experiencing extreme happiness and extreme turmoil... and crying more than I've cried in a long, long time... but I enjoy it.  I enjoy "feeling"... even if sometimes it's not a good feeling.  A week went by where I was regaining my bubblies... and finding my smile again... and where flowers started to bloom in the dark parts of my heart... and then... last week... 

A friend asked if I would consider going to a Healing Prayer session.  Like I said before... I don't go to these kinds of things.  But... why the heck not?  So I filled out the application and sent it in.  They said it could take weeks to months so I kind of pushed it into the back of my mind and thought about other things... but something about that application... moved something deep in the dark places of my heart.  I didn't think that any of those dark places were still there but apparently they were.  It was something as innocuous as an application with checkboxes that surfaced a deep darkness within me... and I reacted violently to it again.  

It was the broken relationships of my past that had come back to haunt me.  I experienced so much healing during my relationship and marriage with Anderson that I had forgotten this part of me... but this application brought it all back.  It was a landmine which exploded with lies and hurtful memories and a voice which spoke words that served to destroy my confidence, make me feel so small and insignificant... and most of all... worthless, used, damaged, and abandoned.  And the words, "you're not good enough" and "who would want you?" plagued me like the dark spirit of Voldemort rose and accused Ron with all his deepest, darkest insecurities when they opened the locket horcrux out in the woods.  I didn't know it was still there.  I didn't know it was still in me... but apparently it was.  And it caused me a whole lot of anxiety.  The hyperventilating kind.  So I shared with a few of my closest friends... the dark things I had not spoken of in years and years and years... and I began to experience some freedom.  I was reaffirmed that I needed to go to Healing Prayer and I was thankful for my friends who supported me and came alongside me in my journey to get there.  

So they said it would take weeks to months... but... they got back to me in 5 days and told me that my healing prayer appointment would be this week on Friday.  Yesterday actually... but I got the news on a Sunday.  I found out at Healing Prayer that to get an appointment so quickly is unheard of.  I don't think it is any coincidence that it happened this week.  It is also no coincidence that I got the email about my healing prayer appointment when I was hanging out with someone that I knew had gone to Healing Prayer before.  And this hangout... was the first time I've hung out with this particular friend even though I've known her for almost a year.  That is definitely NO coincidence.  

When I got the email, I had a semi-jarring reaction to it.  I got really, really nervous.  Almost felt like vomiting again.  So I told her about it... and she told me more about the process of healing prayer... what they'd probably do... that they were really nice and that I didn't need to feel nervous at all.  But she did say that she would send out an email asking the other members of my small group to pray for me about it.  And she did.  

The following day... I got email responses from members of my small group... and one series of emails in particular from my small group leader.  She gave me a list of things that she saw in me... that she wanted me to think and pray over as I prepare my heart for healing prayer.  Top on the list was my relationship with my mom and my parents in general.  It is also no coincidence that I received this email as I was out to dinner with my parents.  Prior to the email... I was slightly stressed.  I needed to have a quick dinner so I could go back to doing homework.  But... I figured... I'm here with my parents right NOW.  I'm going to talk to them about it right NOW.

This is VERY significant for me.  I have a decent relationship with my parents but I do not talk to them about my feelings... there have been times in the past where I've tried and I've felt shut down... or I've just wanted to talk and my parents keep trying to fix my problems... so it discourages me from wanting to just talk to them.  They're updated on the big things but on the day to day things... they don't know and I don't tell.  Until that Monday.  So there we were... in the middle of Souplantation... crying and sharing and I basically told them stuff I've never told them before... about church... about my feelings... about my small group... school... how I felt like I'll never be good enough to be a good NP... my fears about my competency... and that's when my dad told me that I've always done a good job and I always will.  He said that's just the way I am and the way I've been ever since he's known me... ever since my first poop.  It was a breakthrough... and the best and most honest conversation I've had with my parents... probably EVER.  

The following day, we all came together and shared and prayed.  Conversation still isn't as free-flowing as it is with other people... but I think it's a very significant start.  Prior to praying with my parents... another friend came over and brought me dinner and we just chatted and caught up on life.  It really moves my heart when people bring me food.  Something so small... has such a big impact on me.  

The next day... Wednesday... was work and small groups afterwards.  Work was hard.  I spent the entire day trying to play catchup.  The computers were so slow, I couldn't keep up with charting.  The orders kept coming in... the doctors kept being their difficult selves... and I was running back and forth all day long... almost wanting to cry as I detangle the spaghetti of tubing that always happens when a patient comes back from the OR on multiple drips... I had a billion things on my mind that I had to do and I felt like I had no time to do it in.  I barely sat down.  Barely rested.  Barely drank anything.  Barely went pee the entire day.  And then showed up to small groups feeling nauseous and like I was about to pass out.  Small group leader to the rescue with some pepto and a slice of bread!  And I probably downed 4 glasses of water too.  

It was prayer and worship night.  We only have this every 6 weeks or so... and I NEVER ask for prayer.  I didn't even want to be prayed over.  I told myself, "I'm getting healing prayer on Friday... other people should get prayed over..." but when he asked "is there anyone who would like prayer...?" I felt my hand raise like it had a mind of its own.  And then all eyes were on me and... no words would come out of my mouth.  I spit out some words... and asked for prayer in the simplest way possible.... mostly as I hid my face behind a sheet of paper and hid half my body behind my friend.  And as I was prayed over... I began crying... hard.  In front of my small group.  An ugly kind of cry... but probably the best kind.  And then after prayer and worship night... I got prayed over again... and cried more tears as I released lies and memories... and replaced them with the love that was pouring into me as the darkness was departing from the depths of my heart.  

I walked out of the house and into the dark street feeling washed over with love.  I felt like there was a huge smile in my heart that radiated outward... and I wanted to stand in the middle of the dark street, close my eyes, raise my face upwards, extend my arms and just "receive"... and let the cool, gentle breeze blow over me... but I thought that might be a little bit dangerous so I only did it for a few seconds before I drove home.  

The next day was my FLOW consultation.  I had turned in my application to have a FLOW consultation probably a month ago.  FLOW is a ministry that helps you recognize your untapped passion and abilities, helps identify where you came from, where you are now, and where you are going, and to develop a strategic plan that will help me make a difference.  So I spent 1.5 hours telling two people my story and then spent maybe another half an hour hearing their initial feedback.  I was pretty amazed.  I sat there and listened to these two lovely people pull out themes they saw in my life... after only meeting me for an hour or so... and I felt so encouraged.  I felt such gratitude for all the love and care I felt from God... from God's people... and so amazed at the series of events which got me to the exact moment in time where I could receive so much heart from so many people... I felt very much in the center of God's will for me... and it was amazing.  When I was done, I closed my eyes and turned my face towards the sun and basked in the warmth of the sun.  What an amazing feeling.  

The next day I woke up and began crying as I opened my eyes.  Emotional highs sometimes come with emotional lows... and I was feeling too many emotions all at once and it came pouring out of my eyes at 6am.  I emailed my small group this time for prayer and received many emails and texts. And God brought to mind the song... "How He Loves" and I played it on repeat the entire morning as I got ready for clinicals... as I drove to the hospital... and I was reminded every single time I sang the words that He loves me so, so much.  I was able to make it through my day at clinicals... amazed by the kindness of my colleagues... and also the extreme generosity of the physicians who have allowed me the privilege of learning with them.  The people around me are extraordinary.  I don't know how it seems like amazing people just seem to meet me everywhere I go... it's like there's an endless supply pouring out from heaven.  I ended clinicals a little bit early so I hung around my unit and I spent time with my co-workers and they tend to make laughter pour out of me... originating from deep in my gut.  I love laughing like that.  I love my coworkers.  I spent some time thinking back on the people I'm learning from this year and there have been people who have shown me EXTREME kindness... who have gone above and beyond to teach me their trade... and have been so affirming in the process.  And when I say "thank you"... they brush it off like it was no big thing.  It IS a big deal... to me anyway.  I was thinking about how I learn best and this is the way I learn best... when an expert has me follow them... allows me to ask the questions and fill in the gaps in my own thought process... and who teach me one-on-one.  And I learn best in an environment where I feel safe to be who I am and ask questions.  It seems very obvious but it's pretty rare to be in an environment where a teacher/mentor takes the time to meet me where I'm at and guide me in the ways I need to go.  All in all... a good day.  

And then it was time to drive to Irvine and I could barely hold the tears in again.  I was listening to my "favorites" playlist on the drive over... and I love every one of the songs on my "favorites" playlist... and yet I could barely sing for 10-15 seconds without getting choked up again.  Thankfully I was able to make it to my friend's house.  Yet another lovely friend volunteered to accompany me to healing prayer... and she also made me dinner.  I don't know why but I LOVE it when people feed me and when people drive me places... and it was so exceptionally meaningful to me that she never left me the entire time.  I felt a lot of peace going into healing prayer and I felt a whole lot more coming out of it.  

Hmm... there were a lot of things that we did and prayed over during that prayer session... but one activity... I think I'll be pondering for a long time afterwards.  It was a memory... of the day in 3rd grade when I punched a boy for making me mad and I got detention.  I had to sit on the wall during recess and watch everyone else play.  I was rolled into a ball with my head between my knees.  No one paid attention to me, and yet... I remember feeling such shame.  They asked me if I felt Jesus' presence there with me.  I kept saying no.  They reminded me that He was there... even if I didn't see Him.  They asked me to ask Jesus to come nearer to me... so I did.  They asked me to speak to Jesus and what I spoke to Him made me burst into uncontrollable tears.  I told Him to "please... never leave me".  And He said, "I won't".  And through my tears... I asked Him to stand in front of me... look me full in the face... pick me up and take me home.  They asked me why I said that... and all I could say was that... I wanted to be picked up, held, and taken away from this place... because I felt like I didn't belong there.  

I'm not quite sure why they wanted to do this exercise... but I think it speaks to how I feel sometimes... as I'm crumbled and ashamed... for the wrongs I've done... I want to be seen; I want to be rescued; and I want to go some place safe.  And that is what Jesus did for me on the cross... it is what He has done for me here in this life... and it is what He will do when it comes time for me to join Him in heaven.  

I'm still so amazed at the events of this past week.  I can't remember the last time I've felt such amazing love... and have spent SO many days receiving so much from so many people.  It may be said that it is more blessed to give than receive but receiving so much also makes me feel SO blessed. I feel like more has happened in my heart this past week than has happened in years.  Such good, good things.  I wonder what God has in store for me.  I'm not sure if He was just reminding me in powerful ways that He loves me, He sees me, He's taking care of me and He will always take care of me... or if God's preparing me for some great something... but I think I shall just enjoy the peace and happiness and continue to turn my face towards the heavens and receive more and more of His glory.  I think exciting things are taking place and I'm very, very glad.  

Sorry this was a long one, I think... but this week is a week that I wanted to document.  So remarkable.  I can't even find the right words to express exactly how I feel.  And I'm getting tired so I think I'll just end this for now.  

much much love,
Tiff

eyes of my heart

Today was a really special day.  I don't think it was special because of any great life-changing event or any spectacular grandiose occurrence... it was just a very good day.

First off, I woke up today for the first time in a long time with some bubblies and I was bouncy while brushing my teeth.  That was a nice feeling.  I also got a chance to sleep for almost 9 hours straight.  So good, so good.  I had a good dinner the night before, breakfast and lunch were prepared for me... and I only had a 15 minute commute to clinicals today.  So lovely.

I really enjoy spending time at City of Hope.  My preceptor already knows that I always want to take walks or eat outside any chance I get.  That's pretty funny since I've only met her a couple times.  We've also started to have a lot of discussions about the DNP role, our dissertation projects... future endeavors... how we want to impact the field of nursing... it's pretty awesome.

I'm really glad I started out with a really good baseline today because the patients I got the opportunity to meet today... really, really moved my heart.  If I had been in a more delicate state, I might have started crying at multiple points of the day today.  It's happened before where I've cried during a patient encounter.  I don't really prefer it but I usually get and give hugs afterwards so it's not all bad.  So far, all my patients have been wonderful... and it's probably because I have selective memory and choose to remember the amazing ones.

Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of 6th sense... it's not always correct and it's not always "on" but sometimes I can walk into a room or a building and I get feelings... like an aura... it's invisible and it has nothing to do with smells... it has to do with the feelings that a building evoke in me.  Sometimes I think it has to do with the colors I see... maybe it's the architecture or the layout of the furniture.  I'm really not sure what it is... but when I walk into City of Hope... I feel a lot of heart... a lot of caring... a lot of emotion.  When I walk around, I smile at people and they smile back and when they do, it's like we just had a connection... as if we have mutually acknowledged not only each other's existence, but each other's pain and suffering... and then the smile takes on a deeper meaning than one shared between strangers in a different setting.

I really like this place.  I don't know if the more exposure I get to things, the harder it's going to become for me to decide on where I want to work.  Everywhere I go, I feel like I could see myself working there... ministering there... helping people there.  City of Hope is a special place though.  I have vivid memories of that outpatient unit where I'm at right now because Anderson and I had a few appointments there a very long time ago.  It was only a few appointments, but I distinctly remember studying for the NCLEX in that waiting area in Outpatient 2C.  I remember going to admitting and having them put the ID bracelet on him.  I remember walking by that fountain as you enter into the main building... and I remember it all every single time I find myself there now... in a different capacity.

I had lunch by the fountain today.  Last time, I had lunch in a courtyard.  The time before that, I had lunch in a quad area of some sort.  There was a squirrel there who looked like he was going to jump me for my food.  It was cute and slightly scary at the same time.  I stared at the squirrel who stared back at me... and I looked out at the fountain... and I was filled with peace and happiness.  And also filled with food too.  I only ate half my lunch and I was stuffed.  Although... I think eating the entire thing might have been a bit ridiculous.  I had a beet salad and a bunch of peaches... and I still had a banana and a whole tray of Korean sushi... which I'm eating right now.

Cancer patients are a very special population.  I think there will always be a soft spot in my heart for them and their caregivers.  In looking over the patients from today... I noticed a marked difference in the way the patients interacted with us (the providers) when they had a lot of support and when they didn't have a lot of support.  The pain and frustration that they felt seemed to be a thousand times amplified without the support of loved ones.  The pain that I saw in the eyes of those extremely sick and physically weakened patients was a different kind entirely... it was sadness... it was grief... it was mourning their own life... fear for the loved ones they leave behind... and a little bit of hopelessness and despair at their bodies which are riddled with cancer cells... pounding with pain from either the cancer or the chemo... and desperately trying to find relief... from us and whatever we can do to help make their journey just a little bit better.

I mentioned earlier that I wanted to cry at multiple points in the day... but it wasn't always the sadness and empathy that were putting pressure on the dam holding back my tears... it was actually a deep awe and respect for the men caring for these women who could no longer take care of themselves.  They were so strong, so detailed, so obsessed with caring for their wives... they advocated, they clarified, they kept notes in their little folders... and every once in a while, they'd look at their wives and I could see it in their eyes... they were telling their wives, "you are the love of my life and I will do anything and everything to keep you here with me as long as I possibly can."  I'd look at her eyes... I'd see how tired she was... and then I'd look at his eyes and see fierce determination alternating with tender love.  I FELT their love and I FELT their strength... and it just about moved me to tears... and it definitely made my heart ache for these lovely, lovely people.

I love my patient population.  They are so gosh darn cute.  I love how the men have tucked their button down shirts into their high-waisted, belted pants... and how their pants end a little bit above the floor and cover their neat, white tennis shoes.  Is it some kind of geriatric dress code?  I love the little old ladies (or actually some of the big old ladies nowadays...) with their crazy colored tops and their hoodies or sweaters... their big purses with every little knick knack in them.  They dress in like... ice cream colors... like rainbow sherbet.  Why is that?

And the comments they make... LOL...

NP: And then there's Miralax... which is also called polyethylene glycol...
man: POLYETHYLENE GLYCOL!  That sounds like anti-freeze!
NP: well... it will anti-freeze your bowels for you...

I looked it up later.  Antifreeze is ethylene glycol.  Add a "poly" and it becomes a laxative.  Nice.  LOL.  They're so fun.  Ahh.  I love my work.  I love being around people.  Listening to them.  Asking them questions.  Trying to figure out how I can help them.  They make my heart smile.

I was walking out of the hospital and I was so thankful for the blessing of nursing... how it cares for me and my heart... and how it also provides for me financially.  I'm thankful for the luxury I have to go back to school and do something I want to do.  And I'm thankful that God has opened the eyes of my heart so I could SEE tiny glimpses of the way God must see His people... and it makes me feel love for them.

I also feel very cared for today.  I spent some time during lunch remembering people that God has brought into my life.  Faces came to mind... and I ran through the series of events which led me to know them... and I became even more thankful for the blessing of them.  Some people I haven't seen in months... and when I send a text/email letting them know I was thinking of them... I automatically get a message back asking when we can catch up and hang out.  I have friends which make me laugh spontaneously just from thinking about them... I have friends who will cry with me when I cry... laugh with me when I laugh... who will work out with me... walk around the neighborhood with me... go shopping with me... who will share their anxieties... share their hurt... share their struggles... ask their questions and listen to my responses... and friends who will listen to my heart... listen to my struggles... listen to my craziness and help carry me through... I just cannot believe I am surrounded by such amazing people.  I am so loved.

Does God look around the world and just delight to think on the stories of our lives?  Will we, one day in heaven, just sit with God and recount the good times and the fond memories?  Will He let us share our version and then smile and share His side with all the little details that we never noticed in the moment... but that He, in His great love for us, took the time to orchestrate so that He could show us how much He loves us?  I look forward to that day.  And I hope you all look forward to it too.

Not every work day is like this.  Sometimes it's not so fun, but some days it is... and most days I leave work not only with a sense of relief that I get to go home now... but with a sense of satisfaction and peace that I am in the right field... that I am doing what God wants me to do... and that I got a chance to smile and hopefully impart just a little bit of my love into the small bit of time I got to spend with them.

I am in some kind of mood today.  Well... I'd better get working on my homework before my euphoria dies down and I end up falling asleep before getting anything done.

much love,
Tiff