with all my heart

I first read this 7 hours ago and it impacted me so deeply that I'm still thinking about it.

With All Your Heart  (excerpted from Waking the Dead by John Eldredge)
The heart is the connecting point, the meeting place between any two persons. The kind of deep soul intimacy we crave with God and with others can be experienced only from the heart. I know a man who took his daughter to dinner; she was surprised, delighted. For years she had been hoping he would pursue her. When they had been seated, he pulled out his Day Timer and began to review the goals he had set for her that year. "I wanted to burst into tears and run out of the restaurant," she said. We don't want to be someone's project; we want to be the desire of their heart. Gerald May laments, "By worshiping efficiency, the human race has achieved the highest level of efficiency in history, but how much have we grown in love?"           We've done the same to our relationship with God. Christians have spent their whole lives mastering all sorts of principles, done their duty, carried on the programs of their church . . . and never known God intimately, heart to heart. The point is not an efficient life of activity—the point is intimacy with God. "You will find me," God says, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13). As Oswald Chambers said, "So that is what faith is—God perceived by the heart."           What more can be said, what greater case could be made than this: to find God, you must look with all your heart. To remain present to God, you must remain present to your heart. To hear his voice, you must listen with your heart. To love him, you must love with all your heart. You cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life he meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.

Sometimes I skip right to the action points because I've automatically assumed that my motivation is from the overflow of love in my heart... but if I don't check my heart first... I can so easily find myself motivated by "love of self" or "love for others" and then end up drained or frustrated or annoyed at things or people... and that is not a love that comes from God.

I'm also guilty of asking others... how they've been doing... how have their quiet times been... have they been reading the Bible... going to church... and while it's not bad, in and of itself, to ask about those things... what I really care about is how they're doing with God.  But... I realized... that I didn't exactly ask that.  It'd be like asking my friend how she's doing with her boyfriend... but only asking about how many times they went to dinner this week or how many times they saw each other.  It's quantifiable but not exactly asking about the quality.  I should just ask how people are doing... how are they feeling... how their relationship with God is right now... and get at the heart of what I want to know as opposed to skirting around the issue or making it seem like I equate spiritual disciplines with a relationship with God when it may or may not necessarily be the case.  I apologize, dear friends... if I ever made you feel like I cared more about what you do than who you are.  I've apologized to the people that came to mind but I've probably missed some.

In a season where I'm doing some heavy duty evaluating of myself, my situation... what has happened in 2013 and what I would like to happen in 2014... I came up with quite a list of things to work on next year.  Some are quantifiable and easily attainable... some other ones... not so much.   I realized after reading this excerpt that... the person I am isn't directly correlated with my academic achievements or how many personal goals I've met... or how many professional benchmarks I surpass.  The sum of those things doesn't make me a better person... neither does the collective sum of my "failures" detract from my worth or value this year.

The best version of myself... is the version of me that God created and that He intended for me to be... is not the one that makes great New Year's resolutions and keeps them.  The best version of me is the one that is most reliant on Him and least reliant on myself... the one that lays down my flesh and my own ways and my thinking... and takes up His ways... His thinking... His commandments... His wisdom.  The sin and selfishness in my own heart take me further and further away from the best version of myself.  It is the pursuit of holiness that brings me closer to Christ-likeness... and all that comes with it... joy, fulfillment, peace... love... kindness, goodness, self-control.

You cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life he meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.

I've been studying Philippians for the past few weeks.  I'm preparing myself to lead a study on chapter 1 at my life group in January and I'm thankful for the month or so that I've had to prepare.  Philippians was one of my favorite books of the Bible when I was younger... I can't even remember why because if you'd asked me what I liked about it, I might not have been able to give you a specific or definitive response.  I just liked it.  It was encouraging to me... and probably always has been and always will be.

I... don't know if I want to give a complete spoiler to any of my small group members but... I can just give an overview of my process and my findings. Chances are we won't have time to get through everything I want to so maybe I'll just do it on here just so I don't feel like all my prep time was "wasted"... not that any time communing with God is ever wasted.

Something a good friend said to me last week about Philippians was that his overarching take home message was something along the lines of...

My level of contentment is in direct proportion to my level of faith - Ted Kau, paraphrased

I've also been thinking about this repeatedly since I heard it.  When I said it to my other friend, she said that she swears I've said something like that before in the past... but I can't remember if I ever said it... it seemed new and fresh to me when I heard it possibly "again".  Anyway... I've been thinking about it and that statement really does sum up a lot of the main points of Philippians... how Paul has learned to be OK in plenty or in want... how he can say that being imprisoned has actually served to further the gospel of Christ... how even when people intend to harm him... that he doesn't care why... but that if the gospel is preached, then he's happy.  Paul's contentment and peace is... baffling really.  We might know in our heads that Paul was imprisoned and he was singing praise songs while down there... but how many of us would be doing what he did... and taking EVERY opportunity in EVERY situation... to further the gospel of Christ?  Can I be content in every circumstance...?  Knowing in my heart with full confidence that He has my good and the good of others orchestrated perfectly?  How seamlessly does my faith flow into my thoughts... my actions... my contentment... my joy?

As I was reading and re-reading and re-re-reading... I kept gathering more and more things that I wanted to share with my life group.  I felt like a hoarder... with my arms full and not wanting to let go or put down ANYTHING that I collected.  It got to the point where I was starting to get upset that I only had ONE DAY... and in actuality... only maybe 1-1.5 hours to get through one chapter and I kinda got bratty and was crying out in my head... "no fair!  I don't have enough time!!!" ... and then I realized how ridiculous I was being and decided to go back and review everything once again and pull out a few main points to focus on.  I read the chapter one more time and what popped out to me was Paul's overwhelming joy... his conviction... his passion.  And then I thought about... where this passion comes from... and it comes from Christ... and more specifically... from the greatest act of love on the history of the planet... His death and resurrection... a sacrifice of unfathomable proportion... to achieve a reconciliation only attainable by God himself... fueled by His great love for us.  The gospel.

So what is the point of going through this study... if we are not all on the same page re: the gospel?  It's so huge.  So often overlooked in day to day life... and yet... it is the reason for everything.  Aye... so deep... I can't even do it justice.

And then I thought again about how I organize life... the Christian life... priorities... and it is in these 3 points...

1.  God loves me.
2.  I love God.
3.  I love others.

Taken in this order... everything falls into place.

Point 1... the gospel falls into there.  I KNOW He loves me and He loved me first... by taking extravagant measures to show me His love... without any guarantee that I would love Him back.  He knew me... and knew my deepest needs... and He took care of them for me... and leaves me signs and love notes all around me so that I would realize and recognize His love... He pursues me with a passion and fervor unlike any in this world... and waits for my response.

Point 2...  the natural response after realizing how much Someone has loved me FIRST... would be to love Him back.  It's so many things wrapped into one... it's gratitude... it's amazement... it's awe... it's that feeling that I am special... I am set apart... I'm valued and I am seen... I am deeply and completely known and loved anyway... faults and all... and it's like falling, without fear or reservation, into the arms of my one true Love.  It's freeing.  It's comforting.

I also can't remember if I've posted this quote before...

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” - Tim Keller

So how do I show God I love Him?  How do I show that I love anything?  I go all out and immerse myself in it... with all my heart.  I learn everything I can about Him.  I spend time with Him... to know Him back.  I learn about His character... His goodness... His perfection... His wisdom... His holiness... His righteousness... His fairness... and not only learn it... but DO it.  I dwell in His brilliance and while I don't fully understand His ways... if I do what He says... I benefit from His wisdom and I show Him that I trust His ways more than I trust my own.  I learn what He loves and I love what He loves by proxy.  And if you know ANYTHING at all about what God loves... you hafta know that He loves people.  I don't choose between loving God and loving people... not mutually exclusive... they go together in perfect harmony.  I love God and love people the way God does... and the way God loves people is far better and far more perfect than any way I could imagine.

Point 3... I love people.  Philippians 1:22-25... to live in the flesh... means fruitful labor... for other people's progress and joy in the faith.  Paul talks about how he yearns for the Philippians with the affection of Jesus Christ... he thanks God in all his remembrance of them... always praying for them in joy... holding them in his heart... hoping the best for them.

He hopes that (v.9-11):

• their love may abound more and more 
• they grow in love with knowledge and discernment
• they approve what is excellent
• they be pure and blameless for the day of Christ
• they be filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes from Jesus Christ
• all of this happens for the glory and praise of God.

Phil. 1:27... let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ... so that I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel.

If my manner of life results in... my reputation... and if someone were to hear of me... what would I want to be known for?  What would I want my life group to be known for... my church community to be known for...? 

I would want to be known as... having led a life that is worthy of the gospel of Christ... that serves to back up the claim that life in Christ leads to an abundant life... to have perfect peace and a steadfast mind... for all the things Paul hopes for the Philippians in verses 9-11... for all the fruit of the Spirit to be evident in my life... that I am an excellent worker... a faithful friend... and that whether it be by words or actions... that everywhere I go and to every person I meet... I brought the light of Christ to illuminate the dark... 

... and also that I can parallel park the way it's supposed to be done (and not the 7+ point turn it requires me nowadays), lose 5+ lbs of fat, finish my dissertation and pass boards, do at least one wide grip pull-up from a dead hang, be a better listener, and hone/refine/discover/utilize my spiritual giftings to bless and encourage everyone around me... and probably more stuff as I think of it... in 2014 and beyond... until I'm no longer on this earth.  

It's been a great year, my friends... and I'm pretty sure 2014 will be another exceptional one.  

Aaaaand I didn't even write about the 4 other discussion topics + 3-4 questions I wrote for each topic... so... I'm pretty sure we'll still have plenty to talk about even if members of my life group read this post beforehand.  And another thing I also love about the group... is that even when something is planned out and prepared for... sometimes bringing together everyone and how we all respond to one another's sharing and perspectives... organically creates something totally new and different that the discussion leader never intended.  I think it's happened a few times... so things might not even come out the way I planned or prepared for it to go... but it doesn't mean that I shouldn't put in an effort that I know God would be pleased with.  We'll see how it goes.  I still have a few more weeks to work on it.  It might morph into a completely different study by then.  

:P

Merry Christmas, dear friends.

much much love,

Tiff

P.S. pray for me... I really need to finish my dissertation thingee soon.  It's dragging.  I want to defend before my birthday at the end of January.  Hopefully earlier.  Get 'er done, Tiff... get 'er done... 

2013

On Tuesday, I heard the same sermon on the radio twice about journaling and then during small group time, we shared about our highlights and lowlights of 2013.  It got me thinking that it's probably about time to squeeze out a blog post.  The radio sermon made lots of good points about the benefits of journaling.  For example... journaling helps chronicle our walk with God... our life journey... it helps us sort out messes and chaos... helps us see answered prayers... but all in all, what it helps me do the most is (1) self-counsel & (2) encourage myself at a later time.

This year has been a roller coaster for me.  I can recall wallowing in despair quite a few times this year.  I've had some pretty low lows... probably the lowest lows since Anderson passed away and yet in looking back at the lows, I can also pinpoint how God ministered to me in pretty amazing ways to get me out of it.  He reminded me He can provide in miraculous ways... through bringing all kinds of amazing new friends into my life.  He sent me living, breathing reminders of His love and faithfulness to me... it was as if He were telling me... "don't give up hope.  I see you.  I hear you.  I know you... and I love you.  I am yours and you are Mine."  And it left me speechless with my mouth gaping open... every time.  Don't worry.  I'm still single.  You didn't miss anything huge.  I made some pretty amazing friends this year, that's all.  Friends that I can barely believe that I've only known them for less than a year because I somehow can't imagine life before them anymore.

If you want to grow in new and different ways... you're gonna hafta do things you've never done before. And if I'm doing things I've never done before, I know I'm growing in new and different ways. Pray for me, my friends. I need all the help I can get! — feeling hopeful. - FB status, July 6, 2013

I did a lot of "firsts" this year.  I did clinic hours as a NP student.  I started working out more regularly.  It was mostly because I keep buying all these fancy workout clothes and I hardly wore them... so I figured I should... wear what I bought... and do the activities they were made for.  I did a few races this year.  I shot a gun for the first time... or maybe I should rephrase that and say that I shot GUNS for the first time this year.  Shotgun, handgun, rifle.  I shot a compound bow for the first time this year too.  Hopefully I can do something with swords sometime soon.  Perhaps that would round out my weapons training.  I played on a softball team this year for the first time since before Anderson passed away.  I bowled a lot this year too... again for the first time since Anderson passed away.  I feel like I made a lot of personal growth steps this year.  I suppose the biggest thing was that I implemented my own research study.  I felt like it was a very big-girl, adult thing to do.  Can't say that I'd enjoy doing it again tho.  But I did it.  It's done.  Now all I hafta do is analyze what I did and write it up.  Oh joy.

Spiritually, I also feel like I've been challenged in new and different ways this year.  I originally left my home church... what was it... 3 yrs ago?... with the intention of growing in new and different ways.  I think that every step I took after I left had been challenging me anew but I think that this year God took it to a different level.  There was deeper darkness, deeper cleaning... and deeper plowing... but also... I think there was more freedom and the roots of faith were able to go down deeper into my heart and soul this year than ever before.  The plowing this year was excruciatingly painful... and often times I would just cry out in agony from being churned up and pushed to and fro in ways I didn't want to go... but once the plow had passed... I realized that I could breathe better and easier than before... that there was a greater purpose in it and the pain and "disturbance" was seriously just a light and momentary affliction which was purposed for an eternal weight of glory much higher and greater than I could imagine myself.

I went to the park today.  I love where I live and I love that I can walk 2 minutes down the street and lay down in the grass underneath my favorite triad of trees... and just stare at the sky.  Right now, the leaves on my favorite tree with the heart-shaped leaves are all yellow... but it kinda reminds me of the season I'm in right now as well.  Spring will come again.  I can be assured of that.

I sat down at the table at the park today and randomly flipped the Bible open.  I was heading towards Philippians but something at the end of Ephesians caught my eye and reminded me of a conversation I was having with a friend yesterday... about how God was waking me from my sleep.

Ephesians 5:13 But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 14 for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,“Awake, O sleeper,    and arise from the dead,and Christ will shine on you.”

My lowest lows this year were accompanied by dark depression.  None of the episodes lasted for very long... maybe a few weeks... sometimes a few days... but the longest period was two months.  Sometimes I knew why I was down... sometimes I didn't... but when I was... it felt like I was lingering in darkness.  Nothing stirred me.  All I wanted to do was sleep and numb myself with binge watching TV shows and crushing candy.  I felt dead inside.  It was either that or I felt so much emotion that I was like... collapsed on the floor and wailing.  I much prefer the wailing than the numbness.  In my numbness... even food brought me no joy.  No food joy.  Tiff is super sad when she has no food joy.

God never stopped calling out to me though.  Sometimes He used the darkness to bring about some deep cleaning.  Usually, I needed to do something drastic to break my cycle of darkness/moodiness.  Most recently, I decided that I wasn't spending enough time meditating on the Word of God.  So I decided to set aside time and just sit... be quiet... and wait.  I think I was out of practice for a while but it got easier... and I can definitely see an improvement in my moods and general perspective on my days.  I think reinstating this spiritual discipline... was like me taking action to "arise from the dead"... and what happened afterwards was that Christ shone on me.

The rest of the section in Ephesians 5 was also a good one to meditate on...

15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart,20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

One of the most powerful and effective ways to get me out of a funk... is for me to tell stories about God's faithfulness in my life.  I can't help but be thankful and change my attitude when story after story of God's amazing power... His masterful handiwork in weaving the events of my life... adding layers upon layers of meticulous planning... perfect timing... bountiful provision... I can't help but to be amazed by His faithfulness in my life and because He is who He is... constant... ever-present...never-changing... He has been faithful and He will continue to be... right now and in the future.  I can count on Him because He has never failed and He won't start now.

Giving thanks always and for everything... I am thankful...

• that I'm almost done with school.  I'll graduate when I finish my dissertation thingee... and when I complete my defense.  I'm in the process of working through my data.  Ugh.  Almost done tho.  Sort of.  Hopefully I'll be done by the end of January.  I hope to be done ASAP but I have no idea how that will happen with the holidays... and seeing how long it's taking to get my data analyzed... and I haven't even figured out what it all means yet.  Still so much work to do... I WILL graduate by May for sure though.  I WILL defend my dissertation before mid February for SURE.  Cuz that's the deadline before I hafta pay another round of tuition and no amount of laziness is worth the extra thousands of dollars that would cost.  
• for family.  I've been spending more time with my family lately.  It's been good.  I realize that I spend a lot of time with my friends and not as much with the people in my family.  I should be caring for them even MORE than I care for others and I'm glad that this year, there have been more opportunities to do so.  I think this will continue into next year and I'm excited for where it takes us.  
• for a job.  I've taken so many leaves this year to focus on clinicals and schoolwork... and I'm thankful that I still have a job... that my co-workers are always so encouraging and lovely.  They are so very supportive of me that it makes going to work seem like hanging out with friends sometimes.  The people on my unit are so amazing that they make me feel like I can handle just about anything because they've always got my back.  This is not something I take for granted.  I know it's special and it's a gift.  
• for community.  I think back to two years ago and I was at the point where I was leaving one church because of the lack of community... and one year ago... I felt blessed that I actually had people in my church community who were my friends... and this year, God has strengthened and increased my friendships even more.  I'm so amazed by the amount and quality of friendships that have developed over this past year.  This is also not something I take for granted.  These are people with whom I can live life with... share prayer requests... bounce ideas off of.  I have people all around me who bless me and encourage me... who talk about life with me... who talk about God with me... who share songs and praises... and who also share problems and issues.  Every single person who shares a small piece of their life with me... blesses me with the privilege to experience life with them.  This means a LOT to me and more than anything else... I value having this community and the struggles that come along with it... than to not have community and be struggling because of a lack of it.  There are still many areas to grow in but I am just so, so thankful to be blessed with community this year.  I wish I could just name names and tell everyone why I'm thankful for them but I think that would best be done individually than on a blog that these people might never read.  

OMG I've gotten distracted so many times that I can't remember what I was going to say anymore.

Phil 1:27 Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, 

I think for the rest of the year... or the rest of my life, I guess... or... I guess every day... I want to meditate on letting my manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ.  It is most pressing that I finish up my dissertation and graduate.  I find myself being so tired of school that I know I'm not living the life of a student who is worth of the gospel of Christ.  Definitely need to be on guard and be purposeful and intentional to finish school strong.  My daily disciplines... reflect my readiness and eagerness in waiting on the Lord and what He will do in my life.  Sometimes... I really just pray that God would take me now.  If I had the option to die this very hour, I totally would... to escape from having to finish my paper or study for boards... but... LOL... what a lame excuse.  While I'm here, my life should reflect Christ and be a living, breathing witness to the gospel of Christ.  Sometimes I want God to take me now so that I can escape from my singleness as well.  I still struggle with it... but it is really hard for me to get TOO extremely down about it because... God provides for me in miraculous ways in all other areas of my life... why would He ignore this one?  He doesn't and He hasn't... He's got plans for me... whether it be to be single for the rest of my life and then He's got plans that must require that I have the time and freedom of a single person... or maybe there will be a family of my own in the future... but who knows... in the meantime... while I'm still here on this earth... I am to live ALL areas of my life in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ... which includes eating, drinking, exercising, sleeping, working, schooling... all my weapons-filled recreational activities... and even my singleness... to the fullest.

OK I got distracted again and forgot what I was going to say so I'm just going to end this now.

much much love... and happy holidays to all...
Tiff