2013

On Tuesday, I heard the same sermon on the radio twice about journaling and then during small group time, we shared about our highlights and lowlights of 2013.  It got me thinking that it's probably about time to squeeze out a blog post.  The radio sermon made lots of good points about the benefits of journaling.  For example... journaling helps chronicle our walk with God... our life journey... it helps us sort out messes and chaos... helps us see answered prayers... but all in all, what it helps me do the most is (1) self-counsel & (2) encourage myself at a later time.

This year has been a roller coaster for me.  I can recall wallowing in despair quite a few times this year.  I've had some pretty low lows... probably the lowest lows since Anderson passed away and yet in looking back at the lows, I can also pinpoint how God ministered to me in pretty amazing ways to get me out of it.  He reminded me He can provide in miraculous ways... through bringing all kinds of amazing new friends into my life.  He sent me living, breathing reminders of His love and faithfulness to me... it was as if He were telling me... "don't give up hope.  I see you.  I hear you.  I know you... and I love you.  I am yours and you are Mine."  And it left me speechless with my mouth gaping open... every time.  Don't worry.  I'm still single.  You didn't miss anything huge.  I made some pretty amazing friends this year, that's all.  Friends that I can barely believe that I've only known them for less than a year because I somehow can't imagine life before them anymore.

If you want to grow in new and different ways... you're gonna hafta do things you've never done before. And if I'm doing things I've never done before, I know I'm growing in new and different ways. Pray for me, my friends. I need all the help I can get! — feeling hopeful. - FB status, July 6, 2013

I did a lot of "firsts" this year.  I did clinic hours as a NP student.  I started working out more regularly.  It was mostly because I keep buying all these fancy workout clothes and I hardly wore them... so I figured I should... wear what I bought... and do the activities they were made for.  I did a few races this year.  I shot a gun for the first time... or maybe I should rephrase that and say that I shot GUNS for the first time this year.  Shotgun, handgun, rifle.  I shot a compound bow for the first time this year too.  Hopefully I can do something with swords sometime soon.  Perhaps that would round out my weapons training.  I played on a softball team this year for the first time since before Anderson passed away.  I bowled a lot this year too... again for the first time since Anderson passed away.  I feel like I made a lot of personal growth steps this year.  I suppose the biggest thing was that I implemented my own research study.  I felt like it was a very big-girl, adult thing to do.  Can't say that I'd enjoy doing it again tho.  But I did it.  It's done.  Now all I hafta do is analyze what I did and write it up.  Oh joy.

Spiritually, I also feel like I've been challenged in new and different ways this year.  I originally left my home church... what was it... 3 yrs ago?... with the intention of growing in new and different ways.  I think that every step I took after I left had been challenging me anew but I think that this year God took it to a different level.  There was deeper darkness, deeper cleaning... and deeper plowing... but also... I think there was more freedom and the roots of faith were able to go down deeper into my heart and soul this year than ever before.  The plowing this year was excruciatingly painful... and often times I would just cry out in agony from being churned up and pushed to and fro in ways I didn't want to go... but once the plow had passed... I realized that I could breathe better and easier than before... that there was a greater purpose in it and the pain and "disturbance" was seriously just a light and momentary affliction which was purposed for an eternal weight of glory much higher and greater than I could imagine myself.

I went to the park today.  I love where I live and I love that I can walk 2 minutes down the street and lay down in the grass underneath my favorite triad of trees... and just stare at the sky.  Right now, the leaves on my favorite tree with the heart-shaped leaves are all yellow... but it kinda reminds me of the season I'm in right now as well.  Spring will come again.  I can be assured of that.

I sat down at the table at the park today and randomly flipped the Bible open.  I was heading towards Philippians but something at the end of Ephesians caught my eye and reminded me of a conversation I was having with a friend yesterday... about how God was waking me from my sleep.

Ephesians 5:13 But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 14 for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,“Awake, O sleeper,    and arise from the dead,and Christ will shine on you.”

My lowest lows this year were accompanied by dark depression.  None of the episodes lasted for very long... maybe a few weeks... sometimes a few days... but the longest period was two months.  Sometimes I knew why I was down... sometimes I didn't... but when I was... it felt like I was lingering in darkness.  Nothing stirred me.  All I wanted to do was sleep and numb myself with binge watching TV shows and crushing candy.  I felt dead inside.  It was either that or I felt so much emotion that I was like... collapsed on the floor and wailing.  I much prefer the wailing than the numbness.  In my numbness... even food brought me no joy.  No food joy.  Tiff is super sad when she has no food joy.

God never stopped calling out to me though.  Sometimes He used the darkness to bring about some deep cleaning.  Usually, I needed to do something drastic to break my cycle of darkness/moodiness.  Most recently, I decided that I wasn't spending enough time meditating on the Word of God.  So I decided to set aside time and just sit... be quiet... and wait.  I think I was out of practice for a while but it got easier... and I can definitely see an improvement in my moods and general perspective on my days.  I think reinstating this spiritual discipline... was like me taking action to "arise from the dead"... and what happened afterwards was that Christ shone on me.

The rest of the section in Ephesians 5 was also a good one to meditate on...

15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart,20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

One of the most powerful and effective ways to get me out of a funk... is for me to tell stories about God's faithfulness in my life.  I can't help but be thankful and change my attitude when story after story of God's amazing power... His masterful handiwork in weaving the events of my life... adding layers upon layers of meticulous planning... perfect timing... bountiful provision... I can't help but to be amazed by His faithfulness in my life and because He is who He is... constant... ever-present...never-changing... He has been faithful and He will continue to be... right now and in the future.  I can count on Him because He has never failed and He won't start now.

Giving thanks always and for everything... I am thankful...

• that I'm almost done with school.  I'll graduate when I finish my dissertation thingee... and when I complete my defense.  I'm in the process of working through my data.  Ugh.  Almost done tho.  Sort of.  Hopefully I'll be done by the end of January.  I hope to be done ASAP but I have no idea how that will happen with the holidays... and seeing how long it's taking to get my data analyzed... and I haven't even figured out what it all means yet.  Still so much work to do... I WILL graduate by May for sure though.  I WILL defend my dissertation before mid February for SURE.  Cuz that's the deadline before I hafta pay another round of tuition and no amount of laziness is worth the extra thousands of dollars that would cost.  
• for family.  I've been spending more time with my family lately.  It's been good.  I realize that I spend a lot of time with my friends and not as much with the people in my family.  I should be caring for them even MORE than I care for others and I'm glad that this year, there have been more opportunities to do so.  I think this will continue into next year and I'm excited for where it takes us.  
• for a job.  I've taken so many leaves this year to focus on clinicals and schoolwork... and I'm thankful that I still have a job... that my co-workers are always so encouraging and lovely.  They are so very supportive of me that it makes going to work seem like hanging out with friends sometimes.  The people on my unit are so amazing that they make me feel like I can handle just about anything because they've always got my back.  This is not something I take for granted.  I know it's special and it's a gift.  
• for community.  I think back to two years ago and I was at the point where I was leaving one church because of the lack of community... and one year ago... I felt blessed that I actually had people in my church community who were my friends... and this year, God has strengthened and increased my friendships even more.  I'm so amazed by the amount and quality of friendships that have developed over this past year.  This is also not something I take for granted.  These are people with whom I can live life with... share prayer requests... bounce ideas off of.  I have people all around me who bless me and encourage me... who talk about life with me... who talk about God with me... who share songs and praises... and who also share problems and issues.  Every single person who shares a small piece of their life with me... blesses me with the privilege to experience life with them.  This means a LOT to me and more than anything else... I value having this community and the struggles that come along with it... than to not have community and be struggling because of a lack of it.  There are still many areas to grow in but I am just so, so thankful to be blessed with community this year.  I wish I could just name names and tell everyone why I'm thankful for them but I think that would best be done individually than on a blog that these people might never read.  

OMG I've gotten distracted so many times that I can't remember what I was going to say anymore.

Phil 1:27 Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, 

I think for the rest of the year... or the rest of my life, I guess... or... I guess every day... I want to meditate on letting my manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ.  It is most pressing that I finish up my dissertation and graduate.  I find myself being so tired of school that I know I'm not living the life of a student who is worth of the gospel of Christ.  Definitely need to be on guard and be purposeful and intentional to finish school strong.  My daily disciplines... reflect my readiness and eagerness in waiting on the Lord and what He will do in my life.  Sometimes... I really just pray that God would take me now.  If I had the option to die this very hour, I totally would... to escape from having to finish my paper or study for boards... but... LOL... what a lame excuse.  While I'm here, my life should reflect Christ and be a living, breathing witness to the gospel of Christ.  Sometimes I want God to take me now so that I can escape from my singleness as well.  I still struggle with it... but it is really hard for me to get TOO extremely down about it because... God provides for me in miraculous ways in all other areas of my life... why would He ignore this one?  He doesn't and He hasn't... He's got plans for me... whether it be to be single for the rest of my life and then He's got plans that must require that I have the time and freedom of a single person... or maybe there will be a family of my own in the future... but who knows... in the meantime... while I'm still here on this earth... I am to live ALL areas of my life in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ... which includes eating, drinking, exercising, sleeping, working, schooling... all my weapons-filled recreational activities... and even my singleness... to the fullest.

OK I got distracted again and forgot what I was going to say so I'm just going to end this now.

much much love... and happy holidays to all...
Tiff