.JPG)
Our current sermon series is called "Cleanse". Started last week. I thought it was pretty appropriate for what's been going on in my heart lately. Last week we talked about how before we cleanse... the toxins we have within us have to surface and when that happens a lot of pain and ugliness comes out... but it's a good thing. I definitely think so.
Anyway... today's sermon posed 3 questions:
- What is my Achilles' heel?
- Who knows about it?
- What does the fulfillment of Isaiah 61 look like in my unique context?
I've been thinking a lot about the Achilles' heel topic. Prior today, I was thinking about it as in "what is my fatal flaw?" which is pretty much the same thing. I'm pretty sure we learned in English class that in Shakespearian tragedies, the protagonist has a fatal flaw which ends up leading to their demise by the end of the play. A little while ago I was thinking about how hard it would be to figure out my own fatal flaws cuz...
on the one hand... I have a little voice inside of me that tells me, "fatal flaw.... WHAT fatal flaw?!?... ur perfect just as you are!"
and then there's another voice inside of me that says, "PSH! You suck, you'll never be good enough for anything, no one will want you, and no one likes you much less love you."
The truth lies somewhere between those two voices... but I don't trust myself to know the truth about myself. And it's really hard to find friends who will be able to talk to me about these kinds of things... and who I trust to give me a honest answer. I'm also afraid of how I will receive an honest answer... so it really is extremely difficult to go about figuring out what my fatal flaw is. What I wonder is... if it is obvious to everyone except me... and if it's that obvious... then... why doesn't someone help me out and tell me? And not just tell me... but partner with me to help me as I work through it? Ok, I guess that is asking a lot. The number of people who would be willing to help me in my sanctification... so few... so rare... and so precious.
I don't know if I can pinpoint one fatal flaw... except the fact that I'm human and my flesh is constantly pulling at me to sin and be selfish and prideful... but I know a little bit about my weaknesses because I also know a little bit about what makes me happy.
My top two love languages are likely "words of affirmation" and "acts of service". Actually, it might also be "quality time". And then I was thinking that the things that make me feel most unloved... are the opposite of those three things... when people don't give me the time of day, when people don't acknowledge my presence or things I've said/done, when they speak words of discouragement, or when people destroy the work I'm doing. I'm not sure if that's valid as a fatal flaw. I don't think anyone likes to be ignored, to be told negative things about themselves, or to have people tearing down my work instead of adding to it. It's a battle in my mind to fight against feelings that I don't matter, of inadequacy, of people-pleasing... and I think that's where a lot of damage could be done.
Sometimes I also fear being myself. I fear rejection. Sometimes I push myself to be unashamed and unafraid and to do things despite what other people may think of me... and then sometimes it makes me feel like maybe I shouldn't have done that... maybe I should have kept my mouth shut or withheld... something. But then... I also wonder... if God gives me these ideas or inklings because He wants me to do something or be somewhere or say something to someone... and if I'm too afraid to do it... then I've been disobedient and then someone else missed out on a blessing because I was too chicken to listen to God's prompting. And then if I don't listen, then I become callous to His voice... and then I won't even know when He's speaking to me because I've ignored His voice for so long.
I was thinking about people who speak truth... and I was thinking about how I receive it.
There are a group of people at my church who have committed to reading the Bible through in 1 year. We started out reading Genesis, Ezra, Matthew, and Acts. One chapter each. A few days ago I was contrasting the different ways in which people received the truth. For example...
Peter... when he had the vision about the sheet and the unclean animals... it was contrary to his culture... he didn't understand the meaning of it for a while... and he pondered it... and then he was called upon to talk to Gentiles... and then when other people heard about what he was doing... they criticized him... and then he told them what happened...
Cuz then there are the Pharisees... who heard truth spoken to them but their hearts were hard... they didn't listen... they made up any excuse they could to justify themselves and their own thinking... and then plotted to kill the truth-speaker. They resort to more sin instead of allowing the truth to lead to repentance. I really really hope... that I can respond rightly to correction. Even correction that comes in the form of an insult. If there is truth in it... to pull out the truth... leave behind the lies... and use that truth to further my sanctification... to build my character.
On a somewhat related but unrelated note... I'm getting my eyes lasered this coming week. I've been pondering vision and how important it is to have good vision. The past few weeks, I'm not supposed to wear contacts... which means... I wear glasses... which also means... sometimes I'm walking around without glasses and with blurry vision. It's pretty amazing how "clean" things can look when my visual acuity is low. I also think I look skinnier in the mirror without my glasses on... probably having to do with the axis of my astigmatism but... yeah... all in all... distorted truth. The quality of my cleaning has a lot to do with... how much of the dirt I see. I'm pretty sure after I get my eyes lasered, I'm going to step into my shower and see all kinds of dirt that I overlooked before while cleaning.
It also made me think a lot about sanctification... and how important it is to open my eyes and open my ears... to SEE and to HEAR what's being shown to me or told to me. To recognize what's OK and what's not OK... and what necessitates intervention and what can be let go. If I use God as my standard for holiness... everything I do is tainted with sin. Things could always be better... but it's not as if I am any less valuable or worthy because of the things I do. What He cares most about is the condition of my heart and whether or not I love Him with my everything. He already loves me and He will never stop loving me. But how much of what I do... causes Him grief... or causes Him joy. How much of my life is lived... sharing the gospel of Christ or lived out in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ?
A couple days ago... woulda been my 5-year anniversary if Anderson were still alive.
I cried when I remembered. Not primarily because I missed him (because I do still miss him)... but because I almost forgot. I had a bunch of things planned. It would have been just a normal day hanging out with friends... except that it also would have been my anniversary. 5 years ago my life changed. 5 years ago... I think that's when my heart came to life... when my eyes were opened... when I woke up from my sleep. I'm pretty sure that I thought I was learning things... I thought I was seeing things... I thought I was awake... but if I compare who I was after 2009 to who I was before 2009... Tiff before 2009 was blind and asleep.
So continuing my thoughts from the Sermon today... I still don't exactly know my Achilles' heel... or fatal flaws... but if anyone wants to help me out... I'm willing to undergo the process if you're willing to also partner with me to let me know. Answer to question 2... who knows about my fatal flaws? If you're reading this, you know what I've got so far. And now on to question 3...
What does the fulfillment of Isaiah 61 look like in my unique context?
As part of the passage for today (Luke 4:1-21)... after Jesus was tempted, He went up on the Sabbath and read a passage from Isaiah 61
I read a little bit beyond the passage to verses 25-26
I know this was NOT the point that Jesus was making with this passage... but I felt loved in that moment when I read it. I felt God's tenderness towards the widow at Zarephath... how out of all the widows in Israel... Elijah was sent to Sidon... and amidst a famine... God blessed that widow with oil and flour that did not run out or run dry until the famine was over.
Back in the day... when women were widowed... they had no way to make a living... they were completely dependent on the grace of everyone around them. It was not an easy life. Every time I read about widows in the Bible... they group them as widows, orphans and beggars. I am one seriously blessed widow. Jesus came to me and chose ME... to bind up my broken heart... to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and future with Anderson... and turn me into... who I am today. I'm in a better place now than I was 5 years ago. I'm about to graduate with my doctorate and become a nurse practitioner. I'm at a church that challenges me in so many ways... and gives me a lot of opportunities to interact with and minister to my church body and community. I am surrounded by amazing friends... amazing family... by so much abundance. I've learned so much about faith in the past 5 years. I've learned so much about the Word of God... so much about God's amazing grace.
So... that's my unique context... the widow, nurse... soon to be a doctor-nurse-practitioner.
Am I proclaiming the good news to the poor, the needy, the blind... the captive? Maybe not. Maybe so. I could always be doing it more and doing it better. One day at a time... with whatever opportunities are put before me... I want this year to be a year where I proclaim the Gospel and live a life worthy of the Gospel of Christ. There are still plenty of broken pieces still in me... but in Christ, He can turn my brokenness into beauty... and let the ruins of my heart come to life in the beauty of His name... rising up from the ashes (and from Anderson's ashes)... God forever, You reign.
love,
Tiff
P.S. Pray that my lasering goes well and that I'm not blind by next week. And that I'll finish my defense presentation so I can defend. Hopefully before I turn 32. OMG. 32...
Sometimes I also fear being myself. I fear rejection. Sometimes I push myself to be unashamed and unafraid and to do things despite what other people may think of me... and then sometimes it makes me feel like maybe I shouldn't have done that... maybe I should have kept my mouth shut or withheld... something. But then... I also wonder... if God gives me these ideas or inklings because He wants me to do something or be somewhere or say something to someone... and if I'm too afraid to do it... then I've been disobedient and then someone else missed out on a blessing because I was too chicken to listen to God's prompting. And then if I don't listen, then I become callous to His voice... and then I won't even know when He's speaking to me because I've ignored His voice for so long.
I was thinking about people who speak truth... and I was thinking about how I receive it.
There are a group of people at my church who have committed to reading the Bible through in 1 year. We started out reading Genesis, Ezra, Matthew, and Acts. One chapter each. A few days ago I was contrasting the different ways in which people received the truth. For example...
Peter... when he had the vision about the sheet and the unclean animals... it was contrary to his culture... he didn't understand the meaning of it for a while... and he pondered it... and then he was called upon to talk to Gentiles... and then when other people heard about what he was doing... they criticized him... and then he told them what happened...
Acts 11:17If then God gave the same gift to them as he gave to us when we believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, who was I that I could stand in God’s way?”18When they heard these things they fell silent. And they glorified God, saying, “Then to the Gentiles also God has granted repentance that leads to life.”When I hear something that totally contradicts everything I know... or that offends me... do I respond with silence... and then repentance? I hope so.
Cuz then there are the Pharisees... who heard truth spoken to them but their hearts were hard... they didn't listen... they made up any excuse they could to justify themselves and their own thinking... and then plotted to kill the truth-speaker. They resort to more sin instead of allowing the truth to lead to repentance. I really really hope... that I can respond rightly to correction. Even correction that comes in the form of an insult. If there is truth in it... to pull out the truth... leave behind the lies... and use that truth to further my sanctification... to build my character.
On a somewhat related but unrelated note... I'm getting my eyes lasered this coming week. I've been pondering vision and how important it is to have good vision. The past few weeks, I'm not supposed to wear contacts... which means... I wear glasses... which also means... sometimes I'm walking around without glasses and with blurry vision. It's pretty amazing how "clean" things can look when my visual acuity is low. I also think I look skinnier in the mirror without my glasses on... probably having to do with the axis of my astigmatism but... yeah... all in all... distorted truth. The quality of my cleaning has a lot to do with... how much of the dirt I see. I'm pretty sure after I get my eyes lasered, I'm going to step into my shower and see all kinds of dirt that I overlooked before while cleaning.
It also made me think a lot about sanctification... and how important it is to open my eyes and open my ears... to SEE and to HEAR what's being shown to me or told to me. To recognize what's OK and what's not OK... and what necessitates intervention and what can be let go. If I use God as my standard for holiness... everything I do is tainted with sin. Things could always be better... but it's not as if I am any less valuable or worthy because of the things I do. What He cares most about is the condition of my heart and whether or not I love Him with my everything. He already loves me and He will never stop loving me. But how much of what I do... causes Him grief... or causes Him joy. How much of my life is lived... sharing the gospel of Christ or lived out in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ?
A couple days ago... woulda been my 5-year anniversary if Anderson were still alive.
I cried when I remembered. Not primarily because I missed him (because I do still miss him)... but because I almost forgot. I had a bunch of things planned. It would have been just a normal day hanging out with friends... except that it also would have been my anniversary. 5 years ago my life changed. 5 years ago... I think that's when my heart came to life... when my eyes were opened... when I woke up from my sleep. I'm pretty sure that I thought I was learning things... I thought I was seeing things... I thought I was awake... but if I compare who I was after 2009 to who I was before 2009... Tiff before 2009 was blind and asleep.
Come away - Jesus Culture
Come away with Me, Come away with Me
It's never too late, it's not too late
It's not too late for you
I have a plan for you
I have a plan for you
It's gonna be wild
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be full of Me
Open up your heart and let Me in
So continuing my thoughts from the Sermon today... I still don't exactly know my Achilles' heel... or fatal flaws... but if anyone wants to help me out... I'm willing to undergo the process if you're willing to also partner with me to let me know. Answer to question 2... who knows about my fatal flaws? If you're reading this, you know what I've got so far. And now on to question 3...
What does the fulfillment of Isaiah 61 look like in my unique context?
As part of the passage for today (Luke 4:1-21)... after Jesus was tempted, He went up on the Sabbath and read a passage from Isaiah 61
18 “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
and recovering of sight to the blind,
to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
19 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”
I read a little bit beyond the passage to verses 25-26
25But in truth, I tell you, there were many widows in Israel in the days of Elijah, when the heavens were shut up three years and six months, and a great famine came over all the land, 26and Elijah was sent to none of them but only to Zarephath, in the land of Sidon, to a woman who was a widow.
I know this was NOT the point that Jesus was making with this passage... but I felt loved in that moment when I read it. I felt God's tenderness towards the widow at Zarephath... how out of all the widows in Israel... Elijah was sent to Sidon... and amidst a famine... God blessed that widow with oil and flour that did not run out or run dry until the famine was over.
1 Kings 17:14 For thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘The jar of flour shall not be spent, and the jug of oil shall not be empty, until the day that the Lord sends rain upon the earth.’” 15 And she went and did as Elijah said. And she and he and her household ate for many days. 16 The jar of flour was not spent, neither did the jug of oil become empty, according to the word of the Lord that he spoke by Elijah.
Back in the day... when women were widowed... they had no way to make a living... they were completely dependent on the grace of everyone around them. It was not an easy life. Every time I read about widows in the Bible... they group them as widows, orphans and beggars. I am one seriously blessed widow. Jesus came to me and chose ME... to bind up my broken heart... to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and future with Anderson... and turn me into... who I am today. I'm in a better place now than I was 5 years ago. I'm about to graduate with my doctorate and become a nurse practitioner. I'm at a church that challenges me in so many ways... and gives me a lot of opportunities to interact with and minister to my church body and community. I am surrounded by amazing friends... amazing family... by so much abundance. I've learned so much about faith in the past 5 years. I've learned so much about the Word of God... so much about God's amazing grace.
Your Grace Finds Me - Matt Redman
It's there on a wedding day
There in the weeping by the graveside
There in the very breath we breathe
Your great grace
Same for the rich and poor
Same for the saint and for the sinner
Enough for this whole wide world Your great grace
Forever I'll be Breathing in Your grace
And I'm breathing out Your praise
Breathing in Your grace
For our God, for our God
Yes, Your grace finds me
So... that's my unique context... the widow, nurse... soon to be a doctor-nurse-practitioner.
Am I proclaiming the good news to the poor, the needy, the blind... the captive? Maybe not. Maybe so. I could always be doing it more and doing it better. One day at a time... with whatever opportunities are put before me... I want this year to be a year where I proclaim the Gospel and live a life worthy of the Gospel of Christ. There are still plenty of broken pieces still in me... but in Christ, He can turn my brokenness into beauty... and let the ruins of my heart come to life in the beauty of His name... rising up from the ashes (and from Anderson's ashes)... God forever, You reign.
Glorious Ruins - Hillsong
When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars
You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy
I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace
Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your Name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign
And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I'll sing
When the world caves in
Still my hope will cling to Your promise
Where my courage ends
Let my heart find strength in Your presence
love,
Tiff
P.S. Pray that my lasering goes well and that I'm not blind by next week. And that I'll finish my defense presentation so I can defend. Hopefully before I turn 32. OMG. 32...
No comments:
Post a Comment