gutted

Did I already mention that I'm having a pretty rough lenten season?  I had another rough week... but it was also incredible and miraculously awesome as well.  I feel so, so blessed.  

I had another meltdown the other day.  It was pretty bad.  But it was also pretty awesome.  I shall tell you the story.  Sit tight.  It might take a while.

For the past week or so, I've been waking up progressively earlier and earlier in the mornings and being unable to fall back asleep.  I almost never have this problem.  I usually have the opposite problem... I can't wake up in time... or I have a hard time falling asleep at night (not mornings).  When it was 6am... it was OK.  When it became 4am... it got really tiring.  And lately it's been that I can't stay asleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time.  I am physically and mentally exhausted.  When I lay there in the mornings and I'm tired and I can't fall back asleep... it makes me feel like crying.  It's a deep longing and frustration for something so simple which had rarely eluded me in the past... but felt so, so out of reach... unattainable.  

Sleeping pills?  Yes.  I've been trying them.  I'm normally really, really sensitive to Ambien.  I take a bite out of a 5mg pill... it's about 1/4 or 1/3 of the pill... so it's somewhere between 1-2mg probably... and it usually knocks me out for a good 4 hours.  I usually only take it the night before I have to work and I need to force myself to sleep early so I can get up at 5am.  This past week, they haven't been working.  

Tuesday night, I had a pretty decent day.  I think I probably woke up at 4am... was pretty productive... I got home around 1130pm maybe... and I was SO exhausted... I felt like driving to the beach and falling asleep there... but I was too lazy and I figured it'd be too cold so I thought to myself that maybe I'll go tomorrow.  And I also hoped that I could sleep through the night without a sleeping pill.  So I went to sleep.  Fell asleep pretty quickly around midnight.  Woke up at 2:30am...and again at 4am... starving, nauseous, dizzy... and so incredibly frustrated that I took 10mg of Ambien hoping I'd knock out for at least 8 hours... but no such luck.  I was woken up at 730am because plumbers had come to our house to fix a leak... found out they had to replace our entire hot water system... and I needed to evacuate my room because a LOT of pipes run through the back of my closet.  

I'm so tired, so nauseous, so hungry... so mentally, emotionally and physically stressed that I'm MISERABLE... I'm almost crying... but I drag myself out of bed and go to the room next door with the hopes that I'll be able to go back to sleep.  I climb into bed... and... I can't sleep.  THANK YOU to all my friends who bear with my early morning texting and who try so hard to be there for me when I need you... but eventually... I couldn't handle it anymore... I just had to break down and cry.  I didn't just cry little tiny tears... I was hyperventilating and almost convulsing... it was really really bad.  I was having a mental breakdown.  

I was crying and getting my pillowcase all snotty and gross... and I turned around to a fresh spot and asked myself... if I could be anywhere else... where would I want to be... and I decided that I wanted to be like Elijah and go to a mountain top and lay facedown before God and pray... pray for rain... in the middle of a drought.

And Elijah went up to the top of Mount Carmel. And he bowed himself down on the earth and put his face between his knees. ⁴³ And he said to his servant, “Go up now, look toward the sea.” And he went up and looked and said, “There is nothing.” And he said, “Go again,” seven times. ⁴⁴ And at the seventh time he said, “Behold, a little cloud like a man's hand is rising from the sea.” 1 Kings 18.  

I get up and go to my room... and my mouth drops open... as I discover that the entire contents of my very large closet are piled in a 5-foot tall stack on my bed (oh my poor dry cleaning...) and whatever empty space was in the center of my room... was occupied by huge stacks of shoeboxes, piles of more clothing... my room was in utter chaos.  Not to mention, a plumber was in there... sawing holes in my closet... running copper pipes through there and soldering them together.  The scent of burning metal stung my nostrils.  I felt my heart and soul being gutted... and my "home" quite literally gutted as my closet (the heart and soul of my belongings) was being worked on during this renovation.  

At this point... with all the smells, the banging and clanging... strangers with big dusty shoes stomping all over my house... I needed to get out.  Escaping to the mountain top seemed more and more a necessity and not a luxury.  Mind you, I'm having a mental breakdown... and I'm also kind of lazy... so I didn't exactly want to drive to a mountain and lay facedown... how dirty... and far... and it might not be safe for me to drive in my mental state... so I decided that I'd just grab my yoga mat, a box of tissues, and a bunch of books and stuff... go to the park down the street... find a little tiny hill... and lay facedown before God there.  In the shade.  So I did.  

I ate something real quick... I grabbed all my stuff, threw it into a bag, and started walking to the park.  I get there... I lay out my yoga mat on the grass... and I put myself in child's pose... and I laid there.  I was SO distraught... I had no words.  TIFF HAD NO WORDS.  I did have a song though.  Sovereign was playing over and over in my head... so I took out my pink headphones, stuck it in my pink iphone, and played Sovereign on single song repeat for... what felt like an hour.  Maybe it was shorter.  I'm not sure.  It felt like a long time.  And I proceeded to cry again.  I cried the hard cry of a desperate soul... seeking God... and I was semi-convulsing in the park. Hopefully alone but at that point I didn't care who saw my crazy.  I was having a really, really so-honest-its-ugly... vulnerable moment before my God.  At Starshine Park.  

Sovereign, Chris Tomlin 

Sovereign in the mountain airSovereign on the ocean floorWith me in the calmWith me in the storm 

Sovereign in my greatest joySovereign in my deepest cryWith me in the darkWith me at the dawn 

In your everlasting armsAll the pieces of my lifeFrom beginning to the endI can trust you 

In your never failing loveYou work everything for goodGod whatever comes my wayI will trust you 

All my hopesAll I needHeld in your hands 

All my lifeAll of meHeld in your hands 

All my fearsAll my dreamsHeld in your hands 

In your everlasting armsAll the pieces of my lifeFrom beginning to the endI can trust you 

In your never failing loveYou work everything for goodGod whatever comes my wayI will trust you

After a really long time of being facedown and listening to the same song on repeat... I decided it was time to turn around and be face-up before God.  So I turned around and laid there again.  Hands on my stomach... feeling my aorta pulsate...being still... and watching the leaves shiver in the slight breeze of a perfect March afternoon.  After what felt like another hour... I decided I was ready to read.  

Today, only questions surround your great sorrow, but then you will see how the threatening enemy was actually swept away during your stormy night of fear and grief. 

Today you see only your loss, but then you will see how God used it to break the evil chains that had begun to restrain you. 

Today you cower at the howling wind and the roaring thunder, but then you will see how they beat back the waves of destruction and opened your way to the peaceful Land of
Promise. -Mark Guy Pearse

I felt really blessed and ministered to in that moment.  So thankful for Chris Tomlin... for L.B. Cowman... for my friends who love me despite my craziness and drama...  so I decided to share with a few people and ask for prayer. Yay for smartphones and being able to email while face-up on a yoga mat at the park! And extra yay that some people responded right away with encouragement and prayer.  SO miraculous.  Such a blessing!

And maybe it was a little bit backwards but I decided I wasn't done reading... I also needed to get in the Word... so I proceeded to read the assigned Bible reading for that day... Mark 10.  

At the end of Mark 10, Jesus asked the blind man, "what can I do for you?" and as I read that... I felt Him asking me as well... "Tiff... my child... what can I do for you?"  

So like a spoiled brat on the knee of Santa... I decided to journal and write down a list of stuff I wanted.  Big things and small things... I came up with a list of about 12 items that I'd ask God for if He asked me right then and there... what can I do for you...  and after I was done with my list... I decided that I was being excessive.  I know Jesus has infinite time for me but if He stopped me on the side of the road and asked me, "what can I do for you?"... I'd probably want to simply present Him with the single most important request and have Him smile and say, "go your way, your faith has made you well."  Just one, Tiff.  Just pick one... for now.

I scanned the list... all those things are important to me in some way, shape or form.  None of them are inherently bad... some are kind of vain... like losing 10 pounds or being able to do a pull-up on my own from a dead-hang... but my eyes fixed on the single most important item... I want to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.  And I felt Him wash me through and through with the peace that only He can bring... the kind that surpasses understanding... and I heard Him say to me, "go your way, your faith has made you well."

I had been fighting hunger and the urge to pee at that point so when God said I was good to go... I decided to go home... to eat and pee.  Not necessarily simultaneously... but yeah.  I walked home and I allowed myself to take in all the beauty of spring... the purple flowers in bloom... tiny white daisy-looking flowers scattered on the grassy expanse... the dried dog poop on the sidewalk (ew)...  but I felt better.  I felt sustained.  Still physically tired but sustained... only just barely though.  

I can't really remember what I did after I got home and ate something.  I might have chatted with my friends again... guessed people's personality types... I've been kind of interested in pondering people's personality types and what motivates them... what drives them... what makes them feel happy... so that was fun.  And then it was time to drive to small groups... I was going to go half an hour early to pray with my small group leader.  It should take me less than 15 minutes and there was no traffic but as I was driving there, I felt myself falling asleep at the wheel.  I was able to make it there but I decided that I would just pray with her and go home if I felt too sleepy.  So I arrived... safely... and we prayed.  It was a really nice time.  I felt so, so blessed.  I somehow didn't feel as tired.

When we were done praying, we came out and more people had arrived.  Something about seeing other people and their smiling faces... I got bursts and bursts of energy and smiles and I forgot about being tired.  I laughed.  I ate.  I laughed again.  I got and gave hugs.  I really, really love this group of beautiful people.  I made it through the night and then I decided to go to the gym and shower... because the plumbers had shut off our hot water and it would remain shut off for a couple of days.  I stood there in the shower at the gym and reflected on the day.  Such an awesome, awesome day.  I also felt really blessed to be able to shower at the gym.  I know it's still wasting water but I don't feel as bad standing under hot running water at the gym as I would if I did it at home.  I hope they recycle that water somehow.  

That night, I still woke up at 2am and again at 7am... but I woke up and didn't feel nauseous or miserable... I woke up feeling happy that I woke up one less time than the previous night.  I felt better and lighter as well.  I'm hoping that tonight will be even better.  Maybe I'll even sleep through the night.  One can only hope.  

I've had two really special and amazing days since being gutted on Wednesday.  I am surrounded by the BEST FRIENDS EVER.  I don't even know how I'm surrounded by so many amazingly wonderful people.  God is very, very good.  

So sometimes I have extra time and I'll choose to go spend time with others... or sometimes I'll choose to save that time for myself.  I got a chance to do both today.  There was no traffic so I arrived at the meeting place 20 minutes early... and decided to run an errand and buy some bananas.  And I found the most amazing bananas with the funniest stickers on them.  They made me happy and I wanted to share that feeling with my lovely friends.  So I did.  Thank God again for smartphones.

I also had a little bit of time after lunch... so I went to visit my friend at work.  It's always so encouraging to see everyone at work... and how much they want me to come back.  So, so sweet.  And then after that, I had a little time before meeting up with my next friend so I decided to sit and spend that time alone at a cafe.  So I did.  I figured I could study... or I could spend time with God.  I should always spend time with God first.  So I did.  :)  It was a REALLY good time.  I read through Isaiah 58:1-14... about fasting.  

So I've been fasting for Lent. I've been fasting for a purpose.  It was a simple one... to know God in a new and different way.  And I think He is totally delivering.  

From Isaiah 58... God doesn't want the kind of fasting that makes people fight or makes them irritable... this is the kind of fasting He wants... which didn't really sound like fasting to me... it sounded like service and obedience... 

• free the wrongly imprisoned
• lighten the burdens of those who work for you
• let the oppressed go free
• remove the chains that bind people
• share food with the hungry
• give shelter to the homeless
• give clothes to those who need them
• do not hide from relatives who need your help

And He promises these if we fast in this way:

• that my salvation will come like the dawn
• my wounds will quickly heal
• godliness will lead me forward
• the glory of God will protect me from behind
• when I call, He will answer "Yes, I am here"
• He will reply quickly
• He will remove the heavy yoke of oppression
• My light will shine out from the darkness and the darkness around me will be bright as noon
• the Lord will guide me continually
• give me water when I'm dry
• restore my strength
• that I will be like a well-watered garden... like an ever-flowing spring
• I will rebuild the deserted ruins of my cities
• I will be known as a rebuilder of walls and a restorer of homes
• The Lord will be my delight
• He will give me great honor
• He will satisfy me with the inheritance He promised to my ancestor Jacob

And He ended the whole thing with, "I, the LORD, have spoken!"

If God said it, it's as good as done.  

I had such a wonderful time with my friend.  And an even more wonderful time on the drive home... getting good news... being excited and screaming in the car from excitement for my friend and her good news.  All in all... a very, very good day.  

I came home and read this and I thought that it was super encouraging again.  

Christ is building His kingdom with the broken things of earth. People desire only the strong, successful, victorious, and unbroken things in life to build their kingdoms, but God is the God of the unsuccessful—the God of those who have failed. Heaven is being filled with earth’s broken lives, and there is no “bruised reed” (Isa. 42:3) that Christ cannot take and restore to a glorious place of blessing and beauty. He can take a life crushed by pain or sorrow and make it a harp whose music will be total praise. He can lift earth’s saddest failure up to heaven’s glory. -J. R. Miller

In my brokenness... and in my failure to cope with my external stressors... God took that situation... He took my bruised reed and restored it to a place of blessing, beauty, and great joy.

A very good week, my friends.  Most excellent.
much much love,
Tiff

crazy mixed up bag of nuts

This has been a pretty rough but also pretty amazing lenten season for me.  This post is going to be long and ranty.  I need to flesh out some thoughts and I have no idea what I'm going to write so I'm just going to start and see what comes out.  

The past two days I've woken up on my own between 540-6am.  This is highly unusual.  I normally need at least 8 hours and I did NOT get my 8 before waking up.  I was puzzled as to why I was awoken... but then I figured that God really wanted to hang out with me so I tried as hard as I could to hang out with Him too.  I've been searching for the reason God wanted me to Himself and I'm still not sure... but I had an inkling and that meant that I had to write it out in order to see if I could figure it out.  

One of my New Year's resolutions was to start journaling again.  I've been doing pretty well.  Still sticking to it.  One benefit of it is that I can very easily go back and re-read my journals/blogs.  I didn't journal on paper for pretty much all of 2012.  My last paper journal entries were dated 2011.  During my morning time with God, I figured I'd go back and see what I was thinking about in 2012... 2011... 2010...  I really enjoy going back and reading my old journal entries.  I love everything I've written.  It's almost like cleaning out my closet and pretending I'm shopping in there.  I love everything I pull out of my own closet... everything fits... and it's all "free"... it's like I had my own personal stylist... except... I know it's me and I'm just rediscovering the jewels I've already discovered... but I like to pretend it's a game and then it becomes the best shopping game ever!   Anyway... it feels the same when I go back and reread the things I've written... like someone collected all the thoughts that would totally be meaningful for me... and put them all in one place.  I know it's retarded because I wrote them down for myself because I thought they were awesome but it's fun to rediscover my discoveries.  I found this in one of my blog entries.  

For the hearts that will cease focusing on themselves, there is "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding" (Phil. 4:7); "quietness and trust" (Isa. 30:15), which is the source of all strength; a "great peace" that will never "make them stumble" (Ps. 119:165); and a deep rest, which the world can never give nor take away. Deep within the center of the soul is a chamber of peace where God lives and where, if we enter it and quiet all the other sounds, we can hear His "gentle whisper" (1 Kings 19:12). Even in the fastest wheel that is turning, if you look at the center, where the axle is found, there is no movement at all. And even in the busiest life, there is a place where we may dwell alone with God in eternal stillness. - Streams in the Desert, Nov 24

Perfect Peace.  I've been lacking perfect peace lately and I think God wanted to have more dates with me so He could get me there.  

It was rainy today. On and off rainy.  As I was driving, I'd pass under a shady, cloudy area and get rained on... and then I'd keep driving and suddenly the clouds changed shape and color... they were white and fluffy... and rays of sunshine were piercing through the bright blue open spaces.  This is how I've felt for the past couple weeks.  Rainy, then sunny, then rainy, then sunny.  Really emotionally unstable... really volatile... major poopyness but then also major happiness punctuating my days as well.  I've been having a hard time dealing with my emotions and how I was feeling.  

Coping mechanisms... I have so many... depending on what kind of "version" I am that day.  I think I've spent most my life as an introvert.  Now I'm not quite sure.  My friend calls it extro-converted.  I am both.  I need my alone time... I need time with my friends.  I recharge when I'm alone... I also recharge when I'm with friends.  

Look at this list and tell me what you think I am.  I think I'm leaning towards extroversion a lot of the time but I do still have a lot of introverted tendencies.  It really depends where I am, who I'm with... oh and if I'm hungry then forget it... I can't function when I'm hungry. Beef.  Beef almost always makes things better.  How can I figure myself out and figure out what I need when I'm such a mixed up bag of nuts?!?  (if ur nice, you won't answer that question and I'm pretty sure you're all nice... so... yeah...).  

Triggers... they've been really varied and really surprising.  Some things you'd think would bother me... don't.  And then some things that shouldn't bother me... totally do.  The worst is when I'm unaware of the landmines and someone inadvertently steps on one.  The other day... someone was talking to me and laughing and she touched the bare skin on my arm and I jumped.  It wasn't really sudden.  She did it naturally and in a friendly way.  I don't have an irrational fear of being touched.  I usually enjoy being touched (in a non-creeper way) and I actually tend to touch people when I talk too but for some reason... when that person touched me, I felt myself reflexively pull back and then I tried to shift a little in the same direction I jumped so it wouldn't look like I was afraid of her touch.  It was some kind of weird landmine.  I don't think it happens all the time either.  It took me by surprise.  And a lot of the stuff I've been encountering lately has also taken me by surprise.  I can't say I reacted very well to some of the landmines blowing up either.  

All in all... I've had to do a lot of self-soothing... self-coaching.  It's during these times that I wish that Anderson were still around.  He always knew what to say to make me feel better... even if he was the one who made me mad in the first place.  In his absence, I've had to figure out how to help myself... and I think that God has also raised up a whole bunch of my friends to bear my emotional burden for/with me as well.  Even though I don't have just one person who knows everything... I have a whole lot of really really great friends who help fill the gap that Anderson left.  First and foremost, God always meets me where I'm at... but He also sends friends to remind me of His love for me... and I hold them very near and dear to my heart.  

I delight in my friends.  I delight in making new ones.  Every new connection with a new person is such a huge blessing to me.  It's as if my heart keeps expanding to keep all these friend-treasures in my heart... and the more friends I have... the more my capacity to love grows.  It's pretty much a miracle.  I'm a friend hoarder and somehow I keep finding places to put them... like Hermione's bottomless handbag.  I realize that some friends are only meant to be in our lives for a season and that's OK.  I still keep you near and dear.  I will always write back if you email me and I will almost always text or message back as well.  If you want to meet up, just try and set a date.  It might take a while depending on how busy I am but if you're patient, I WILL make the time to hang with you.  If I didn't respond, there is the possibility that I might not have gotten your message so please just send another one. I try very very hard to always respond... even if it's just a snippet in passing.  I had a thought today... that I have the MOST AMAZING collection of friends.  I don't know how it's possible to have so many amazing people surrounding me at all times.  I am very, very blessed.  You guys are all-star status.  Much much love.  

Objectively, I should have had an awesome day today.  I got a facial, I did some laundry, dropped off dry cleaning, went to the chiropractor, got a grand total of two hours of massages... and I laughed a lot.  I totally asked God to do something "out of the ordinary" today and He totally delivered.  I hung out with my mom and my mom's friend... we went on visitations... and I got a super cute fobby pillow neckrest with a super cute stuffed turtle on it.  It's in my car.  It's so fobulous but I love it.  A lady at the restaurant said that I was... something something in Chinese.  I didn't know what she was saying... but I found out later... (with the help of google translator) that she said that I was delicate, elegant, refined.  That is a major compliment from a perfect stranger... a middle-aged Asian woman... when I had humidity frizz in my hair, had just got a facial and I have extraction marks on my face and I had just finished ravenously devouring an entire bowl of beef noodle soup in 10 minutes because I was so GOSH DARN HUNGRY.  I didn't feel very delicate or refined at the moment... which made it all the more meaningful.  Kinda like someone telling me "I'm pretty" just randomly.  I was having an awesome day... and then something happened which totally robbed me of my joy and robbed me of my peace.  It was really small and stupid but it was a total landmine which someone inadvertently exploded and it pretty much pushed me over the edge.  I couldn't hold it together anymore... I couldn't self-soothe.  All I wanted to do was crawl into a safe place... my "spot" on Anderson's chest... and cry.  Cry and cry and cry until I couldn't cry anymore and just tell him that someone said something stupid to me and I don't want to be upset but I am upset... my feelings are hurt and I'm being irrational and emotional and blowing things way out of proportion... and just have him hug me and tell me I'm pretty (always works... sometimes he'd just say it randomly just cuz he knew I'd always love to hear it) and that he'll go beat up that stupid person for me even though I know he never would.   I'm allowed to be a girl sometimes.  I'm allowed to be weak.  Sometimes.  Always a good day when there's crying involved. 

I had a couple friends come alongside and encourage me through it.  I went from frustrated to angry to sad within a span of an hour or so.  I realized that right now was not a time exclusively for friends.  Right now was a time to be alone with God.  

To sit in silence... and listen for His whispers...  a couple whispers graced my heart-ears...

• whatever is good, whatever is noble... whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is of good report... think on these things...

• go on faith... not feelings...  choose truth... choose joy

I was also reminded of this passage I read a couple days ago... where it says that Jesus meant to pass by... but He stopped, calmed the storm, and ministered to His disciples.  

Jesus Walks on the Water - Mark 6⁴⁵ Immediately he made his disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. ⁴⁶ And after he had taken leave of them, he went up on the mountain to pray. ⁴⁷ And whenevening came, the boat was out on the sea, and he was alone on the land. ⁴⁸ And he saw that they were making headway painfully, for the wind was against them. And about the fourth watch of the night^[g] he came to them, walking on the sea. He meant to pass by them, ⁴⁹ but when they saw him walking on the sea they thought it was a ghost, and cried out, ⁵⁰ for they all saw him and were terrified. But immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” ⁵¹ And he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. And they were utterly astounded, ⁵² for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.

I also was reminded of this story.  

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? . . . I will yet praise him” (Ps. 43:5).Yes, praise Him even for His silence. Let me relate a beautiful old story of how one Christian dreamed she saw three other women in prayer. 

When they knelt the Master drew near to them. As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace. He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music. Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval. He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance. 

The woman having the dream said to herself,“How greatly He must love the first woman. The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first. But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look.” 

She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently. As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, He Himself came and stood beside her. He said to her,“O woman! How wrongly you have interpreted Me! The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way. She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure. 

“The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do.Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service. 

“She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter. She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity,and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later. 

“My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, it is silent for your sakes—that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external.” 

He “will do wonders never before done” (Ex. 34:10) if you will learn the mystery of His silence and praise Him every time He withdraws His gifts from you. Through this you will better know and love the Giver. selected.  Streams in the Desert.  February 9.

I know it's not exactly the same... but I felt like maybe Jesus meant to pass by me... that maybe I should have been like that third woman... but I freaked out... the storms began to rock me... and so instead of passing by... He came back to me... calmed the storm and ministered to me in my need and in my weakness.  Even when I should know better and BE better... He still sees my struggling heart and meets me where I'm at.  What an amazing, loving, tenderhearted God.  

I'm better now.  Choosing to ponder the amazingness of my friends... the truths that I know in my heart and in my mind to be true... grounding myself in the Word... and pressing on... 

Wow, I'm tired.  Maybe I'll sleep super early today.  Eh.  Doubt it.  Even if I try I probably won't end up falling asleep.  

Sorry I've been a little crazy lately.  And if you've been spared from crazy moody Tiff... consider it a blessing.  I'm in recovery.  

Thank you for always giving me second chances.  Thank you in advance for third, fourth, fifth...infinity chances... you're the best!

I choose not to be a crazy bag of nuts... I choose not to follow my feelings... I choose to believe in God... God's truths... and in the goodness of it all.  

Actually... I just thought of this.  Last Sunday, the speaker asked us to make a list of our idols.  Here's what I came up with:

• Friends
• Myself
• Pride
• Food
• Relationships
• Vanity
• Idleness

I think God's going down the line and testing me.  Rough stuff but meant for good.  I wrote this to a friend the other day and I think I need to remind myself of it again right now:

And praying a prayer of humility... Is as scary as praying the prayer of obedience... "Here I am, send me". It's weighty and you'd better count the cost... But if you consider that everything in this world is but a foggy image... A small gust of wind against eternity... You're asking for great riches in heaven with very little personal cost.  It's scary if you focus on the pain.  God wants us to consider the surpassing greatness of the eternal ramifications... Eternal treasures where moth and dust do not destroy... And which can never be taken away.  You stop working out... You lose muscle... But it's not the same for the eternal treasures.  It's a brave prayer.  Most people would tell me "be careful what you ask for" but I know exactly what I'm asking for.  I'm asking for God to sanctify me, purify me, bring me into closer and deeper fellowship with Him... And if He has to burn away some of the fat or sin to get me there... Then WHY the heck not?!?!  We all have to realize our own limitations and utter failure as human beings before we begin to trust God and let go of the facade of control.  It's far better if we recognize it in theory... Then God won't have to remind us of our failures in real life.  

K.  I think I'm done now.  Thanks for listening/reading if you got this far.  :)

love,
Tiff

Angel Armies

I've been 31 years old for 2.5 weeks.  
Each new year has brought with it a new set of challenges and this year proves no different.  2013 may be exceptionally difficult, however... it feels like the hardest year of my life so far.  
This is the year I will learn to become a nurse practitioner.  I feel as though the past two years I've spent convincing myself that I can do this.  Now that I'm actually here, I'm doubting whether or not it can be done.  There is too much to learn... too much to know... and not enough time to do it all.  

You hear me when I callYou are my morning songThough darkness fills the nightIt cannot hide the light
Whom shall I fear?

Reflecting on this past birthday... a few things stand out to me.  This is the first year, in what feels like a very long time, that I've felt I've gained a new church family. It's been a huge answer to prayer. I've spent the last few years at a few different churches and it's been a heartbreaking transition each and every time.  With every church I decided to leave, I felt so disappointed... so lonely... and much like I was leaving an unrequited lover.  It hurt a lot to leave one church and brave another one on my own.  But if it took a few failed attempts to keep me on the search for a family that would love me back, then I'm glad I went through it.  I wrote before how I felt that churches were like different soils and I am a plant.  I can feasibly grow in different soils but some soils have the right combination of nutrients and minerals which are more suited to nurture the flower that I am right now.  It feels a lot easier to be here.  Like a breath of fresh air.  I'm not sure if I'm meant to be here forever but for now, I'm pretty darn sure this is where I was meant to be.  

I am also so touched and amazed by the number of people who gave me gifts which truly moved my heart.  And especially amazed at the extreme thoughtfulness of some of my newest friends.  I am always delighted to receive things from people.  Oftentimes, I am more delighted by the thought than I am by the gift.  I think that this year, there were SO MANY gifts where I was doubly delighted by the thoughtfulness of the giver and by the utter perfection of the gift.  I felt as though my lovely friends were mind readers...as if I were playing a game with all of you and I imagined something I wanted... and somehow so many of you just KNEW.  If I think realistically though... it's not as though all my friends are psychic... they were just really good at paying attention... and really talented and thoughtful gift buyers.  And maybe I got better at letting other people know me as well.  I've really, really enjoyed spending time with my friends.  I'm still enjoying spending one-on-one time with you.  I'm always really surprised at how much effort and how far some of my friends will go to spend time with me.  I feel like I am such a horrible friend compared to all of you.  After all my popcornopolis is gone... after all the gift cards to my favorite places have been used... my favorite things shared with my favorite people... have truly reminded me how loved I am and that I am not alone, despite how lonely I feel at times.

You crush the enemyUnderneath my feetYou are my Sword and ShieldThough troubles linger still
Whom shall I fear?

This past year may have been the first time that I've identified my deeply engrained fear of being unprepared and inadequate... and this year may be the first time that I'm being forced to confront these fears on a daily basis as I am constantly slapped in the face by my ignorance, naivety and lack of experience in the clinical setting.  In my first round of nursing school, I don't remember feeling so stupid all the time.  I remember being in awe of my preceptors... at how much they just knew... how much they could multi-task... at how natural they seemed at their jobs.  I'm still in awe of all of these qualities in my preceptors.  God has provided me with amazing people to learn from.  Maybe I'm so in awe that I'm dumbfounded... dumb and mute and paralyzed.  
I am sure that it is no coincidence that I'm confronted so frequently by my deepest fears.  If I am to work at my weaknesses, they need to be drawn out and brought to light.  And I have so many weaknesses.  It's overwhelming to think on them as a collection.  I'm just going to have to pick them out one by one and destroy them slowly.  It's like trying to get rid of an army of ants.  I have no Raid or bug spray.  I just have my finger.  One ant, one finger at a time.  And sometimes even though I think I've squashed it... it still lives.  Oh sweet Jesus, I pray for finger strength.  

I know Who goes before meI know Who stands behindThe God of angel armiesIs always by my sideThe One who reigns foreverHe is a Friend of mineThe God of angel armiesIs always by my side

In my time of need... as I'm scrambling to find my way in the fog... I've needed to be encouraged by the Lord, by my family, and by my friends.  God has used so many of you to speak so much encouragement into my life... you're like my angel armies... always by my side.  I don't see myself the way you see me.  And I don't even care if you're lying to me just to make me feel better. I appreciate your sweet lies.  I don't understand how so many of you can be so confident in me.  Do I see myself so wrong and so distorted?  I've needed so much to rely on my friends for prayer and support.  I feel about as strong as overcooked spaghetti.  Many times throughout my days living as a limp noodle... I hear your words playing in my head... your encouragements... and it gives me just enough strength to carry on.  

My strength is in Your nameFor You alone can saveYou will deliver meYours is the victory

Whether or not I succeed or fail at becoming a nurse practitioner of excellence, I know that my true worth does not lie in my degree, in my license, in my job, in my relationship status, in my family, in my friends... or in anything else in this world.  No matter what I do... I am and always will be a daughter of the Most High God.  Adopted as His child... grafted into His vine.  Bought with a price... with the precious blood of the unblemished Lamb.  If this door closes and if I am forced to go back to working as a Registered Nurse... it's OK.  If I somehow lose my license and I can't be a nurse anymore... it'll be OK as well.  This stuff is temporary.  It doesn't matter what I do... it matters for Whom I'm living for and as long as between me and God, I'm living my life to the fullest and with utmost obedience... He sees my heart and He is pleased.  His is the only opinion that matters.  And at least I'll know that I tried and gave it my all.  And honestly... if I could spend the rest of my life being with people... meeting new friends... sharing life... laughing and eating and encouraging others... I think I'd be pretty happy and will have led a very full life.  The location... eh.  Could be here or there... in a hospital, in a clinic... at a restaurant... at the gym... at the park... it doesn't matter.  People matter and I don't need to be a nurse practitioner to be a person who cares for other people and isn't afraid to show it (most of the time).  Over the past few years, God has really opened my eyes and my heart to see people more in the way that He sees them.  It's truly amazing.  The depths of His love... are deeper than the ocean... and He has allowed me the opportunity to experience His deep love and to pour out His love to others.  Even when it sometimes feels impossible for me to care even an iota more... the moment I am aware of someone's hurt, someone's pain, someone's brokenness... it's as if there is suddenly just a little bit more to give.  
It doesn't always happen though.  In fact, today as I was sitting with a friend at Starbucks... I observed a deeply distraught person in an encounter with someone who knew her but didn't seem to care... and for some reason... nothing moved in me.  I was observing it... as if it were happening on television and I weren't 10 feet away.  I kept doing what I was doing just like all the other people sitting around with their laptops and headphones.  I observed some more and what I saw was humbling.  I saw another girl... one who wasn't so self-absorbed like me... ask if the distraught girl was OK.  She went and got her wallet and bought the distraught girl an ice-blended mocha.  And not a small one either.  After distraught girl left... the angel girl came and sat down with the man who appeared to know the girl but who didn't seem to care.  I witnessed her lay hands on this man and pray for distraught girl and for him.  I'm not sure what was said or what was going on... all I know was that I was humbled and convicted of my selfishness.  Honestly... what did it cost the angel girl?  Not much.  What would it have cost me?  Nothing much at all.  I'm thankful that the angel girl was there to be a salt and a light to distraught girl and uncaring man.  I didn't step up to the plate this time.  I'm glad that God provided for them in spite of me.  Must be more aware and intentional for next time.  

And nothing formed against me shall standYou hold the whole world in your handsI'm holding onto Your promisesYou are faithful

He is so faithful.  He has always been faithful.  He will always continue to be faithful.  How could I ever doubt His faithfulness and His provision when He has been nothing but unwavering, unchanging, unfailing since the beginning of time?  I can't even count the ways He has provided so bountifully for me in these past few years alone.  What makes me think that my present situation or whatever lies in my future... that He will be any different?  He will not change.  He will never change.  He is the only One with whom I can say with utmost confidence that He IS who He IS.  He is alpha and omega.  It is so, so true.  In big ways and small ways... He has been found faithful.  

The God of angel armies is always by my side - Chris Tomlin

Thank you for continuing to read my crazed and random thoughts.  Until next time... 

much love,
Tiff

Meltdown

It's my first post of 2013 and I'm somewhat glad/sad that what the reason I'm blogging is because I had a mini meltdown the other day.  It only lasted about an hour or so... I guess I can consider it a blessing that it was so quickly alleviated.

A week ago, I took some notes on the sermon preached and I wanted to take the time to flesh out my thoughts.  I didn't get around to doing it though but today's peek at my last journal entry helped remind me of stuff I wanted to think about from last week.

Embrace my limp

The sermon was on Jacob and his wrestling match with God.  Jacob didn't quit and subsequently was blessed.  He also left the encounter with a limp for the rest of his life.  The limp kinda crippled Jacob, but instead of getting down about the limp... we should embrace the limp and remember that it is a joyful reminder of God's love.

I thought about my life and I felt like my widowhood was my limp.  That was the obvious answer.  It is my beautiful contradiction... that which should have destroyed me has made me stronger.

Upon further inspection though... I think I've been really struggling with a couple things.  Fear of being unprepared and a fear of inadequacy.

It took me a while to even realize that I was struggling and/or stressed.  If I take a look back, I can recognize these fears surfacing... even if I didn't exactly FEEL stressed... I probably WAS stressed.

For example, last month, I kept having recurring dreams with similar themes.  I would dream that I'm late for work and my entire closet was barren... no scrubs.  No clean scrubs; not even any dirty scrubs.  It was a dream full of panic.  I had another dream where I went on vacation and for some reason didn't have any luggage.  I tend to be one of those people who overpack rather than underpack.  All the what ifs really get to me.  I've been trying to learn how to pack the bare essentials and just pick up the things I need locally if necessary.  I haven't really traveled anywhere exotic lately either.  Regardless... the dreams were my subconscious alerting me of my fear.

A couple weeks ago, I had class for a week straight.  That particular week, my period arrived a week late (which used to happen a lot during finals week) AND I got cold sores (which I hadn't gotten in 4 years or so... since the last time I was in nursing school).  While I didn't FEEL the stress, I think my body was trying to give me hints that I WAS stressed.

These two fears... do have the potential to cripple me.  I broke down and admitted to myself that I needed to ask for prayer.  I felt like a bruised reed... just barely hanging on... structurally.  Prophylactically, I sent out a prayer request to some people.  I didn't even send it out to my usual support system... I actually didn't think it was that big an issue until...

A few days ago...I listened to a patient and I couldn't hear a heart murmur. On the drive home from clinicals that day, I had a meltdown.  I took surface streets because I didn't want to sit in Friday traffic and during that hour-long drive home, I was bombarded with feelings of inadequacy.  I felt like quitting my NP program and going back to regular nursing in the hospital.  I kept telling myself that I wasn't good enough to see patients in this kind of role... I'll never be good enough... I know nothing... I'm a horrible person and a horrible nurse... and I'm not good at anything.   I was crying and also eating cheddar cheese popcornopolis... so I have a couple of oddly-shaped tissues in my car... oddly shaped probably because of the dried tears and also look extra weird because they're speckled with cheesy finger smears.

Even though I was having a mini meltdown... I was also soothing myself.  It's really weird how I can be freaking out AND counseling myself at the same time.  I usually think about what I would say to someone who was going through this kind of meltdown and it did kind of help.  I remembered that I'm at the very beginning of my education and I can't compare myself to people who have been in practice for 20 years.  I'm still a work in progress.  And I had to ask myself why I was overreacting to something so small.  When that happens, it's usually because I've bottled up all the bad stuff and it came pouring out because of something really insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  It was definitely time to do some self-examination.

The unexamined life is not worth living. -Socrates

Today's message was focused on examination of our lives as well.  It was pretty timely since it's something I've had to do to figure out why I had this meltdown to begin with... however, I think I was ready to push past the examination and move on to the assessment and plan.  I will attempt to SOAP myself.  Don't critique it.  It's just semi-applying what I'm doing for my school assignments to my real life situation.

Subjective:

• Chief Complaint: emotional meltdown
• History of Present Illness:  Patient is a 30 year old Asian-American female enrolled in a graduate nursing program who recently transitioned from working as a staff RN to a full-time student last week.  She started her clinical rotation 6 days ago and reports experiencing mood swings, extremely unusual loss of appetite, irregular sleep pattern, irregular bowel pattern, and unusually long menstrual cycle x1 month.
• Social history: Pt is widowed since 2009.  She lives at home with her parents who provide her with a good support system.  She still mourns the loss of her best friend and recognizes that she needs to be extra careful to practice effective coping mechanisms because she no longer has that one person who took primary care of her mental, emotional, and spiritual health.  

Objective:

• General: No acute distress
• HEENT: some temporal tenderness, spontaneous clear drainage from bilateral eyes, furrowed brow, muscle tension/spasm noted on bilateral trapezius muscles
• Extremities: orange powder stains on right thumb and index finger, bilateral foot tenderness 

Assessment/Plan:

• Stress: Pt has been in denial about the effect the external stressors and role transition on her mental, emotional, and spiritual health.  Recommend reminding herself that there are many external stressors present in her life and she needs to be cognizant of them and her response to them.  
• Fear of being unprepared/inadequacy: She is feeling overwhelmed by her new role and the vast amounts of information she is expected to master as a nurse practitioner.  
• Prioritize: place God first and foremost in life, stop activities which waste time and choose activities which will be beneficial
• Perspective: maintain a gospel-centered viewpoint and not a self-centered viewpoint
• Stress relieving activities: maintain social activities, maintain contact with friends, exercise
• Remedy knowledge deficits: study hard, study well
• Popcornopolis addiction: Orange powder stains will resolve after last cone of cheddar cheese popcorn consumed.
• Foot tenderness likely from wearing heels for the past week.  Recommend foot massage.

So... after today's message... I was left pondering... am I living a life that reflects hope?  Why should I hope in God anyway?

Sometimes people think that faith is blind.  It's actually not blind or illogical.  It does not always defy reason... but it almost always defies our natural tendencies or our fleshly impulses.  

If I really take the time to think about it... to pull myself out of my own situation for a bit, I remember why I should hope in God.

• The past
• His goodness to me, to other believers I know, as documented in the Bible
• His faithfulness to me, to other believers I know, as documented in the Bible
• His provision to me, to other believers I know, as documented in the Bible
• The future
• His promises
• His plans are perfect
• He is in control
• The present
• (see below for explanation)

Within a few hours of arriving at home after my cheesy popcorn meltdown in the car, God provided two friends to comfort and encourage me immediately.  It can be tempting to hide my feelings when I'm not feeling great.  There's always a split-second choice... when someone asks me how I'm doing... I can say "fine" or I can tell the truth if I'm not fine.  I chose to tell my friend that I wasn't fine and because I did that, she was able to minister to me and I was reminded of how amazing my friends are.  After I finished talking to my friends about it, I went down and checked my mail and got a postcard sent from New Zealand from a friend reminding me how amazing it was that we've gone through some pretty crazy stuff in the past and have survived it all.  And then I checked on today's devotional reading and it was this passage and this devotional by John Piper:

1Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.2In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. John 14:1-3 

Here in we meet an unholy heart-turmoil. “Let not your hearts be troubled.” This is a fretful failure to trust God fully for the problem we are facing. At first it may look like Jesus is addressing an anxiety that isn’t the one you’re dealing with. But hang on, because Jesus takes a surprising turn in this story. 

You recall how this Gospel works. John tells us in John 20:31 what his goal for you is: “These are written so that you may believe (trust, be assured, treasure the reality) that Jesus is the Christ (the promise-fulfilling Messiah), the Son of God (the presence of God himself - God the Son - among us), and that by believing you may have life in his name.” And when he says “life” he means the connection with God’s life, through connection with Jesus. And that life includes the power not to have unholy turmoil of soul. 

So what we encounter in this Gospel is the living God, the creator of the world, present among us humans, in our world in his Son - the infinitely loved, eternal, image and radiance of his essence and through faith, through believing and receiving him for all that he is, we are connected to this on and through him to the Father, and so share in eternal, supernatural life, even now."I Am the Way, the Truth, and the Life," sermon

And so it came back to the gospel once again.  The greatest macro reason why I can have hope in God is because of what Jesus did on the cross... conquering sin and death and giving us the power not to have unholy turmoil of the soul.  The micro reasons are all the little things He does in between that show me that He's concerned with both the entire world and with little, insignificant, inadequate me... freaking out about not being able to hear a murmur in the middle of my nurse practitioner program.  God's timing was, and always is, perfect.  He did meet me where I was and He will continue to do so every day for the rest of my life.  The evidence is clear.

In the days after my meltdown incident, more and more friends have reminded me about how awesome they are and how blessed I am to have them in my life.  Whether it be through a random massage at a bridal shower, or friends to push me to exercise more, or friends to eat with, friends to laugh with, friends to talk about makeup stuff with, a friend who always sits next to me at church so I'm never sitting by myself, a friend who will notice I got a haircut and will offer to do my nails for me...

I'm still in recovery... and find that I'm very quick to be impatient and annoyed but overall, I feel much better post meltdown.  It also kinda reminded me of this passage...

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. (Malachi 3:3) 

Our Father, who seeks to perfect His saints in holiness, knows the value of the refiner’s fire. It is with the most precious metals that a metallurgist will take the greatest care. He subjects the metal to a hot fire, for only the refiner’s fire will melt the metal, release the dross, and allow the remaining, pure metal to take a new and perfect shape in the mold. 

A good refiner never leaves the crucible but, as the above verse indicates, “will sit” down by it so the fire will not become even one degree too hot and possibly harm the metal.And as soon as he skims the last bit of dross from the surface and sees his face reflected in the pure metal, he extinguishes the fire. Arthur Tappan Pierson

The meltdown serves to purify me.  The refining fire only lasts for as long and as hot as necessary... as soon as the work is done, the fire is extinguished.

I look forward to the extinguishing but I also look forward to the end result of all of this.  I look forward to learning more even if it's trial by fire.  I look forward to graduating and hopefully finally being done with school. I look forward to growth and I suppose that also means I look forward to the growing pains that come along with it.  If I'm going to overcome, I need to embrace my limp and utilize my fears of inadequacy and being unprepared to push me to be a better student, a better practitioner, and a better person in general.  I need to push myself to remember that my worth and significance doesn't come from my job or my friends or my family... it comes from God.  I could fail and become a horrible nurse practitioner and kill people left and right (OK I REALLY hope that doesn't happen. I'd like to think that I would quit long before that happens) but that still doesn't mean I'm not valuable as a person.  My value comes from my identity in Christ and nothing can change that.  This is my process of refinement... uniquely tailored for me... with a fire set at the perfect heat to do the work He needs to do in me.  I look forward to Him doing a greater work in me and for His face to be reflected in me.  In this way, I can trust in His process and look beyond the heat to His master plan.

I'm still not feeling very confident but definitely a lot better after having been reminded of all of this.  Hopefully, next week will be better than last week.

Thank you for being my friends/family.
<3 p="">Tiff

Micro Happy

Can one be macro-happy without being micro-happy?

I think I first began pondering macro and micro stuff when it came to God's love for us.  Yes, God loved the world so He gave His only Son for us... on a macro level... but He also cares for me personally... on a micro level... through the everyday happenings of my life. He cares enough to show His love for me down to the finest details of my life... even things that I didn't know I cared about or loved... He loves me enough to know me better than I know myself and He left love notes for me to find along the journey of my day to day life.  This is love through and through.  It is so much love that He IS Love. Macro and Micro Love. 

So today... I was pondering... macro vs. micro happy.  I think sometimes people give motivational speeches to get us to think about the world... to get outside of our own little comfort zone and ponder our greater existence... our greater purpose.  And seriously... I recall one Daily Bread that I read in college... I think I was probably going through a breakup and up until that point, it was probably the worst thing I'd ever gone through in my entire life... and that one particular Daily Bread challenged me to stop thinking only of myself and stop dwelling on my shame spiral and start doing things for others... to put others first before myself.  And it totally helped.  I tore it out and like stuck it on my bulletin board so I would stare at it whenever I started feeling sorry for myself.  It does help to get some perspective. 

But lately when people have been asking me how I've been or how I'm doing... I say I'm OK and I'm fine... but even as I say those words, I know it's not completely true.  I couldn't get myself to say how I really felt because I couldn't quite reconcile the macro and the micro.  If I said that I wasn't doing too well, people would ask me why... and I really couldn't give them a legitimate reason.  Work's OK.  School's OK.  Church is OK.  There's no big problems with my family.  No serious financial issues.  No HUGE dissertation issues.  There's always little things that are left up in the air but it's not like I'm running out of time on anything.  Still single.  But it's not like I'm really running out of time on that either.  Although someone did tell me that I looked 25.  CRAP.  I'm starting to look closer to my actual age.  That scares me.  When I first started working, people would say I looked 18 but I couldn't be 18 so they'd guess 22.  I suppose I've aged appropriately.  I have been working for a few years now.  But DANG.  The day I start to look my age, I think it's all downhill from there.  I have noticed also that the number little bottles on my bathroom counter have increased exponentially.  There's like whitening serum, moisturizing mask, eye cream, face cream, sunblock, foundation, concealer, etc. etc.  When I was 20, I didn't see the point in makeup because whatever I put on my face, I still looked exactly the same.  Now... it's not exactly the same.  Oh well.  Such is life.  Anyway... I have no reason to be macro unhappy.  But I've lost my bubblies.  I dunno where they went. 

I've been feeling sluggish lately.  Tired.  I don't sleep that well and right when I wake up, I'm thinking about when I can get back into bed.  I can recall a time... when I would wake up and be excited for what I was going to do that day or what I was going to eat.  I'd jump out of bed and bounce while I was brushing my teeth.  Nowadays, it's more like... rolling out of bed and the only thing that bounces when I brush my teeth are my eyelids as I try to keep them open.  At first I thought it was the move to day shift.  But it's been 6 or 7 months already.  I'm not sure if it takes that long to readjust.  I've also gained like 15 lbs.  Now I'm thinking a thyroid issue or something but my thyroid levels were fine a few months ago and I've been feeling like this for quite a while. 

Maybe pondering my macro happy will help restore my micro happy. 

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. - E. Joseph Cossman

I recently got an email from a friend.  She replied to an email update I sent her a year ago and as I read what I was dealing with one year ago in December... I marveled at how much things have changed since then.  I barely started working in the ICU night shift in December 2011.  Since then I have transferred to Cardiac ICU and I'm now on day shift.  In December 2011, I was preparing myself to leave a church I had been going to for 18 months.  Since then I spent 6 months at EV Free Fullerton and the past 6 months at Newsong NOC.  A year ago, we were preparing for the death of my grandma.  She has since passed away.  And then there was some more stuff I wrote about... let's just say I'm probably a lot more emotionally stable right now than last year.  It's not really something I'm used to, but I guess it could be a good thing.  Very low lows are not so fun.  But I have also had some really high highs.  I'm not very very low or very very high.  I'm like... moderately low with moderately high highs here and there.  I dunno.  It's a strange place I find myself in right now.  But there has definitely been a lot of progress and movement this past year.  A very auspicious start to my 30's.

God has been very faithful.   I am on the eve of more major life changes.  January 1st will be my last shift at work as a staff RN for the time being.  My director told me that I'd always have a job there if I wanted it.  Our solution was to put me in per diem (part-time no benefits) status and for me to take a leave for the first two months of the year and see how my clinicals go.  I start clinicals the third week of January.  My clinicals should run almost 5 days a week, 8-ish hour days.  That will be a big change from working 12-hr shifts a few days a week.  But maybe it'll be easier to explain.  Maybe not.  Nothing about my education or work is easy to explain.  I think that's why nurses need to be around nurses sometimes.  No one else understands.  I think I also need to be around people in my program because no other NP student understands the uniqueness and also the unique frustrations of my particular program like my cohort does.  No nurse is an island.  Or at least we shouldn't be if we want to stay mentally and emotionally healthy. 

I think one of the most major developments this past year has been in my friendships.  In 2 years of being at a couple different churches and even working on 4 different hospital units... I have not made friendships like I've made in the past 6 months.  They're all still works in progress but there has been progress.  Since I've been going through my funk the past few months... I haven't exactly been seeking people out as much as I used to... and yet... people still continue to seek me out.  Every person who asks me how I'm doing or texts me or messages me or asks me how I'm doing outside of work or church... is something special to me.  To be remembered when I'm not seen... that is incredibly meaningful to me.  I actually hadn't exactly thought about it much until right now.  I know it means a lot to me when it happens but... to be remembered when I'm not seen... that is exactly what touches my heart in profound ways.  Love note, right there.  Each of my friends are love notes from God to care for me even when I don't exactly want to care for others. 

I've collected a lot of adventure friends over the years and over this past year as well.  All of you share the load in caring for me.  Sometimes I'm doing really well and I care for you guys and sometimes I'm not really doing well and you guys care for me.  All in all, it's been good.  Ups and downs but... very, very good.  Kinda reminds me of this passage which I've been thinking about for the past month or so...

1 Corinthians 12. One Body with Many Members

¹² For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves^[d] or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.
¹⁴ For the body does not consist of one member but of many. ¹⁵ If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁶ And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? ¹⁸ But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. ¹⁹ If all were a single member, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts,^[e] yet one body.
²¹ The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” ²² On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, ²³ and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, ²⁴ which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, ²⁵ that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. ²⁶ If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

I've read this many times over my lifetime but for some reason... a few weeks ago... when I read that "our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require"... I thought about what part I am.  In general... I think I'd probably be a more presentable part.  If I thought about what part of the body of Christ I might be... I thought I could be a hand or something like that.  Hands are usually uncovered.  And it is the hands which do many things... but it is the hands that cover the unpresentable parts.  Those parts are vulnerable.  Maybe shameful if they were exposed to the world.  Those parts need to be protected.  And I took it as a charge from God to be a good hand and protect the vulnerable parts.  I've been pondering how I can protect the vulnerable.  I can't protect everything but for those things that I see very clearly... I need to take steps towards protecting them and keeping them protected.  It's something I'm pondering this year.  How to "protect" generously and care for the body of Christ.  

I'm thankful that Newsong has been a place where I can serve and be served.  I've been pondering this church since December marked my 6 months at this church and I've been evaluating my progress every 6 months.  It's the first time in a few years where I've felt like I'm interacting with the community and the community is interacting with me.  It's mostly in small ways but there is a give and take that I haven't experienced in a while.  I liken these churches to soil and me to a plant.  Church is to soil as Tiff is to plant.  The Tiff-plant can grow in many kinds of soil.  Maybe certain types of soil were necessary at certain growth periods... and the soil that I spent 20 years at... when I cut those roots to transplant somewhere else... it was painful and incredibly disruptive.  When I transplanted to Cornerstone... I recognized it as good soil... but for some reason I couldn't interact with the soil too much.  The roots didn't spread even though the plant was growing.  Same thing at EV Free Fullerton.  Tiff-plant grew but the composition of the soil somehow didn't jive as well with the Tiff-plant.  And I think that it had a purpose in it.  The roots didn't stick because that's not where I was meant to be.  I was meant to be there for that time period but not for very long.  Every transplant was difficult... but necessary.  It was like the soil was resisting my roots... but it was probably because I wouldn't have kept looking for different soil if the roots had spread.  I might not have moved on and I wouldn't be where I am today.  And where I am today is a good place.  The soil is not perfect but it's a good composition for the time being. 

I don't think I'm done pondering the year but this might be the last post of 2012.  It's also way past my night-before-work bedtime.   It does help my micro-happy to ponder macro-happy.  I'll have to keep pondering micro-happy to figure out how I can get macro and micro to get in sync. 

I heard this on the radio today and I wanted to ponder it a bit more so I made a mental note to Google blog it... 

May You Have
Unknown

May you have……
Enough happiness to keep you sweet,
Enough trials to keep you strong,
Enough sorrow to keep you human,
Enough hope to keep you happy;
Enough failure to keep you humble,
Enough success to keep you eager,
Enough friends to give you comfort,
Enough wealth to meet your needs;
Enough enthusiasm to look forward,
Enough faith to banish depression,
Enough determination to make each day better than yesterday.

2012 has been more than enough.  

lots to ponder...
<3 p="p">Tiff