fuego

Give Me Faith - Elevation Worship 

I need You to soften my heart,
To break me apart.
I need You to open my eyes,
To see that You're shaping my life.

It's the last day of April.  In thinking back on this month, a lot has happened.  I've been quite busy.  I've been so busy I can barely remember what happened.  I wasn't always busy with work or studying.  This has been a very emotionally taxing month for me.  I journal a little.  I had to go back to remember...

A question that stuck out to me from mid March was... "where is my fuego?"  I don't know why I phrased it like that.  I didn't even take Spanish in high school.  I do remember feeling a bit lost... and wondering what was the point of everything I was doing.  

And then I hung out with my two mentors.  I'm always thankful for them and I never know what our time together would amount to.  That particular day... one of my mentors brought her journal to share with us.  I had given her this journal many, many years ago.  She asked me if I remembered giving it to her and what I was thinking when I did.  I told her I couldn't remember actually giving it to her but I do remember buying a bunch of those journals because I thought they were beautiful.  She told me that it was pastor's appreciation day and since her pastor husband was out of the country, I decided that I should appreciate the pastor's wife in his place.  I really don't remember this... but it doesn't sound out of character for me.  She encouraged me that day.  She told me that she didn't know why she decided to pull out this journal on that day of all days and why she decided to share what she wrote in it... but I think I know why.  God answered the cry of my heart and reminded me why I do the things I do and why I need to continue to do them.  It's doing my part in participating in God's work in other people's lives.  He doesn't need me, but He wants me to join Him.  And... I needed to be reminded of that.  

All I am,
I surrender.

I've graduated from my doctoral NP program and I'm currently working a little bit as a RN and studying for my national board certification exam.  I'll probably take it in mid June.  I'm scared I'm going to fail.  There's so much information to cover and master.  And this is stuff that will affect my practice.  I can't just cram it in.  I really want to know it.  I feel like I can't hold a thought in my head for more than a few minutes.  I find myself walking around... wandering... getting somewhere and forgetting why I started going there... getting distracted so easily.  I really don't feel capable of doing this.  

In reviewing my journal... one of our Unleash sermons... reminded us of 2 Timothy 2:7 For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.

• Power... feels a lot like weakness
• Love... feels a lot like vulnerability
• Discipline... feels a lot like insecurity

The Spirit of power, love and discipline in me... means that my flesh will feel weak, vulnerable and insecure... but in that helplessness... His Spirit has the power to shine through.  

Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good, and Your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give You my life.

On another day of the Unleash series, the speaker challenged us to:

1. Be involved with what's going on in the world
2. Show active grace (meaning...confront issues, call people out on sin, create the context to give grace away)
3. Reach out to hurting people
4. Risk being hurt.  My reaction when pain happens in my life will show others what it means to have Jesus in my life and will create opportunities to share about it with others.  

Another line that stuck out to me was that "we will never experience grace in a great way until we give it away.  How can I give grace away unless people have wronged me or hurt me?"

That particular day, I felt overwhelmed by the people in my life.  I wrote that I was drowning in my emotions and in the emotional burden of others.  I also wrote down 2 Corinthians 12:9... "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  

I've been going to Spiritual Formation classes and that day, we went to the Fullerton Arboretum for Silence & Solitude.  From where I sat, this is what I saw.  I know it's not a great picture but... it was a reminder to me.  There are two trees in this picture.  The one furthest away is huge.  It has broad spread, but there are also gaps.  I took it to be... that if I spread myself far and high, I will be spread thinner and there will be gaps in my care.  There will be some people who will not experience the shade of my cover because of the gaps.  There is also another tree... it's closer... it's smaller, its leaves were very dense and this tree had fruit on it.  I looked at those two trees and I decided that... I would rather be the smaller tree... with smaller spread and cover... but with less gaps and with fruit that those who sit under my canopy can rest and enjoy.  There may be a time and a place for broad, gappy spread.  I felt God calling me to prune and cut back so that I could concentrate my resources on a smaller circle... and utilize the resources to give them fruit.  

To prune is... painful.  To cut out or release people or things in my life for a season... it is a difficult thing for me to do.  But I also had to realize that... sometimes I do not need to DO anything.  Sometimes God calls me to act and sometimes He calls me to wait.  I can let the Holy Spirit guide me as things come up and that way I won't be trying to juggle so many things in the air.  I will let Him do the juggling and take things one day at a time... one step at a time.  And make good choices.  

I need You to soften my heart,
To break me apart.
I need You to pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me.
All I am,
I surrender.

On Palm Sunday, the message presented 3 points:

1. Following God will sometimes lead us into harm's way, into failure, into deep hurt.
2. Jesus was not pursuing success, He was pursuing purpose. Purpose > success.
1. On my death bed, how will I face Jesus?  With regret and fear or with peace and contentment?
3. Fulfilling my purpose requires the death of an alternative vision of success.  What vision of success do I need to be unleashed from in order to bring me into greater alignment with God's purpose for me?

I made a list.  Of fleshly visions of success versus Spiritual visions of success.

Fleshly: marriage, kids, to pass my boards, to find a good job, to have a nice house

Spiritual: to be a woman after God's heart, to live a life worthy of the gospel of Christ, to love God, love God's Word, love God's people

None of my fleshly visions of success are bad.  They are good things.  Last Sunday's sermon actually went over this point as well.  These are good things, but we are not to make them ultimate things.  

If I never have the fleshly vision of success... will I be content?  I am fairly certain I will pass boards eventually and I will find A job... not sure if it'll be the best job ever.  I may be able to have a nice house eventually too... but what about marriage... what about kids?  Everyone around me seems to be getting married or having children... first children... second children... third children... and sometimes it doesn't bother me but lately it's been weighing on my mind.  

I know there is nothing anyone can say that will make me NOT feel loneliness anymore or to make it feel OK that I may never have my own family or children... and will I be OK with it?  Honestly and truly?  If at the end of my life... if I never got married again... if I never had my own children, if I failed in my career... but if I lived a life of purpose... if people would be able to see that I was a woman after God's heart and lived a life worthy of the gospel of Christ... I would be able to stand before Him at the end of this life and be filled with peace and contentment.  So what does that look like in my daily life?

I may be weak, but
Your Spirit's strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but
My God You never will 

What does it look like?  I had been having this conversation with a friend the entire weekend... what does it look like to learn a truth... to meditate on it... and integrate it into my daily life?

Have you ever been in a situation where you were confronted with two choices?  One choice was to do what you wanted and the other choice was to help someone else instead?

3 quotes from Dumbledore

“It is not our abilities that show what we truly are.  It is our choices.”
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) – Dumbledore 

“We must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.”
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005) – Dumbledore 

“It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.” Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001) – Dumbledore 

Sometimes loving my friends... being there for them... is super fun and easy.  Sometimes it requires a great deal of sacrifice.  But perhaps... I was meant to be in that difficult situation... or I was placed strategically at a certain angle to be able to see something that no one else appears to see... or perhaps a very special combination of circumstances brought me to be somewhere that God wanted me to be... for such a time as this.  So in those moments when I am presented with an opportunity to step into my calling and leave myself open and vulnerable... in order to do what is right over what is easy... it is in those moments where I feel that I am living my life with God's purpose and intention... over what I would selfishly choose for myself.

Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good, and Your love is great.
I'm broken inside, I give You my life.

I found myself crying a lot over the past few days.  Crying over lives that are not my own.  There were moments where I wished I didn't care.  I wished I could escape and just be selfish... but... this is part of life.  Living life with people means that sometimes I get hurt... sometimes I experience things that break my heart... and I would rather feel for others and cry for them than not care at all.

In the midst of my emotional turmoil... in dealing with my own loneliness, my own low self-worth, my own inadequacy... and also lifting up the burdens of a few people around me... God also sent other people to encourage and affirm me.

He reminded me that He is in control.  That I needn't worry.  When my eyes were focused intently on the people right in front of me... I got news that He was taking care of a few other people back at home.  And the fact that someone in my community saw what was happening and told me because they thought it would encourage me... made me really happy to know that in my current community... people know the things that make me happy and would take the time to share them with me.  God has His own plan and His own purpose and it is I who am invited to participate and share in His joy... not the other way around.  I had breakfast and the message on my mug told me to take a break... and I felt that God was telling me to take a break as well.  Just rest in His presence right now.

I may be weak, but
Your Spirit's strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but
My God You never will.

I'm sorry things are super vague.  Oh yeah... I also got asked to speak at a women's retreat next month.  Scary.  But I think scary in a good way.  Another opportunity to push myself to grow in new and different ways... to feel weak, to feel vulnerable, to feel insecure... and yet another opportunity for His strength to shine through my weakness.  I don't know if I found my fuego but I have been crying and crying means I'm feeling something very strongly... so... maybe it's a type of fuego... who knows.  I'm tired.  I'll let you know if I figure it out later.  

much much love,
Tiff

Heart Failure

So I really should be studying but I write to remember important things that happen in my life and last week was an experience I want to document.  

So I'm done with my defense.  I'm graduated from school.  I'll walk at commencement in May but I am finally done with this chapter of my life.  My defense went really well!  I wrote in my last blog post that I was afraid of the presentation...that it might just highlight my inadequacy and unpreparedness but it actually was the opposite.  It went pretty smoothly and I got so many more compliments on the presentation and on my slides than I got difficult questions.  

I made all these tabs for almost no reason.  I used one of them to answer a question.  Better prepared than not.  

So I feel a little bit... strange.  I know a HUGE milestone was put behind me but now I feel as though I have another daunting task set before me... and that is to study for boards and PASS.  I'm not good at studying.  It's not my favorite thing to do.  And there is SO much material to go over.  I groan just thinking about it.  Anyway... so I am not exactly enjoying my newfound freedom because... there really isn't much of a difference.  When one thing is done, the next thing comes up.  And... I also had a little thing that I placed at higher priority last week than studying for boards.  

On March 8, 2014, I was the speaker at a women's brunch, hosted by a church that I kind of have very little affiliation with.  Not so coincidentally, my cousins go to this church but I think that they were placed strategically for my comfort and support more than anything else.  I will go back and tell this story from (more of) the beginning.  

On my birthday this year, a good friend of mine asked me if I would be interested in being a speaker for a women's brunch.  She said that a good friend of hers asked her for a recommendation on a woman-speaker and my friend said that mine was the only name that came to mind.  I can't remember what I was thinking in the moment.  What do I ever think when I get presented with these kinds of situations?  Oftentimes, I'll just say "sure" at the moment knowing that there's a high likelihood that things will fall through or that nothing materializes... but let it not be because Tiff said "no" upfront.  I think part of what really happens is that I don't exactly count the cost.  I get myself into situations like... going to grad school... because in one moment of time, it seemed like a good idea... but I never really think about the consequences of it until I'm already in it and committed.  Go figure.  I'm a weirdo like that.  

The last time I remember being presented with a similar situation was when a friend of mine recommended me to be a retreat speaker for a college women's retreat in San Diego.  I think when I was approached by this friend, I thought to myself, "oh that sounds cool... sure, let's start the process".  I somehow didn't think about the fact that saying "yes" doesn't just mean that I'm agreeing with a good idea.  It also means that I need to prepare and plan.  And being a retreat speaker is no small task.  I think a little bit of time passed before I asked the retreat coordinator, "so... how many messages do I need to prepare?" and when she said, "4"... I think that's when I began to freak out a little bit.  One message, I could kind of BS, but to speak in front of the same group of women 4 times?  How was I going to get this done?  Thinking back on it now... I met up with a pastor friend and presented my ideas and I got his feedback.  I think it was in a moment of divine inspiration that God gave me the structure for my messages at that time: (1) share my testimony, (2) God loves us, (3) I love God, (4) I love others.  Not coincidentally either... that retreat fell on Valentine's weekend so I was already thinking about the topic of love.  What I prepared for that retreat... has taken on deep meaning in my own life and those 3 things are points I come back to repeatedly now.  It's how I organize my life.  Saying yes to that retreat was not only for them.  I doubt that any of them remember me much or remember what I shared with them, but I remember.  

The 7 Tiffs

Have you ever been to a retreat where there were 15% of the people in attendance had the same name as you?  Yes, friends.  Seven Tiffs were at this retreat.

What I remember from that retreat was that I was lulled into thinking I could do it because initially, it was only supposed to be like 20 girls.  My small group at that time was maybe 15 women.  I could lead discussion at small group just fine so why couldn't I lead another group of women as well?  It was also college women.  Non-threatening, right?  I think I was only 28 at the time.  It didn't seem too foreign.  I CAN DO THIS!  

And then as the retreat approached... I got one email after another updating me with the amount of people signing up for this retreat.  It grew to over 50.  50+ women, imagined in my head... doesn't seem that much but when I'm standing at the doorway watching woman after woman after woman pour into the house... I felt the heat and anxiety rising.  One poor girl... and I don't remember who it was... and to this day I feel SO BAD that this happened but... she introduced herself to me and I just burst into tears and ran out of the room.  What a great first impression of your retreat speaker.  

As God's grace would have it... I got through my first message just fine.  I shared my testimony and cried right through it.  I think I'd only been widowed perhaps 7 months prior to the retreat.  I played my wedding video for them.  Not a dry eye in the house... or maybe it was hard for me to see when my own eyes were filled with tears.  From then on, it got better.  I think I scrapped my entire third message a few hours before giving it and rewrote it entirely.  I shared with them what I was struggling with that previous week and it shocked them that I would share something so recent and so intimate.  

Fast forward 4 years to my next speaking engagement.  I said yes almost the same way.  Freaked out about it in almost the same way as well.  I started out pretty good though with good intentions.  Here's my prayer request email that I sent to my friends maybe a month before the event.

I don't think it's any coincidence that after sharing that I struggle with my own worth last night at small groups... that I got a confirmation email today that I will be speaking at a women's tea on March 8th... topic: beauty and worth.


The whole idea freaks me out... but I know that this kind of thing isn't something I can do on my own... that I need God in this... and He wants nothing other than my willing obedience to share and bring His message to these ladies.  I'm also pretty sure that God wants me to work through, as thoroughly as possible, my own issues of worth.  Good things.  God is a genius multitasker.


I made a deal with God last year... that I would graduate first and then focus more on ministry things and developing my spiritual gifts... and pretty much a week after I prayed that prayer, God miraculously aligned the stars so that I would graduate a semester earlier than I had originally intended.  I also think it is no coincidence that the timing of this tea is right after I finish my dissertation defense/graduate.  God gives me enough warning to let me know that He's got great big plans for me... but not enough lead time to make me worry or become anxious or overwhelmed with what I've got on my plate.


Pls pray for...

My preparation: spiritual, mental, emotional.  To love God with my everything... and allow the Spirit to flow through me and into my prep... and out onto the ladies at the tea.  Pray against my own fear and feelings of inadequacy.  

Spiritual protection: to keep the devil and his demons away from the process, away from the planning of the event, away from the attendees... away from my mind.  

• The ladies at the tea:  They tell me that about 100 women ages 18-80, believers and non-believers will be there.  I'm guessing it'll be mostly Asian Americans.  Pray for their hearts and for God to move in the women who will attend... that they would show up and be present and willing to hear God's voice that day... whether the message is spoken by me or by the other ladies at the tea to one another... or simply in sisterly fellowship.  And for the non-believers... that God's love would captivate them.  This will either be work in the fields of their heart or a time for harvest. If I only get 30 minutes to share something with 100 women... I want it to be the best 30 minutes it possibly can be.  If this is the only time that a non-believer will hear the gospel, then I want it to be the best presentation of it possible... even if it's just for one person.  That one person will be why I was meant to be there and why she was also meant to be there... for her to meet God in that place.  

This was only one message so in a way it wasn't as "bad", but I also see how this situation is an escalation from the last one... an additional step outside my comfort zone.  I felt somewhat confident that speaking at a college women's retreat was doable because my small group was all women mostly my age and all believers.  In this situation, I didn't have that same sense of familiarity.  There would be women of all different ages and also possibly a broad range of beliefs.  How do I prepare for my audience when the variables are so broad?  Also... my family would be there.  You'd think that it would have added an additional dimension of comfort, and it did... but my aunts would be there.  My mom was going to be there.  These are women that I've grown up with and I'm used to being in a position of submission to them.  It was an additional dimension of discomfort for me.

I had some vague idea what I wanted to share with these women.  I brainstormed ideas in a document I named "tea talk".  I had my defense to work on so I kind of pushed the preparation for this aside until I was done with my defense.  It gave me about a week and a half to solidify and pump out my talk.  

A week had passed and I only had a few more days left to prepare... and my "tea talk" document looked almost exactly as it did when I made it a month ago.  Every time I set aside a large chunk of time to just sit and prepare... something would happen... a friend would be in need... someone would need to talk about something... someone asked me to proofread something or other... and it had always been my motto through school that "people are more important than papers" so I put aside my own desire to finish my talk and I helped others.  But then it was 3 days before the talk and I was running out of time.  I cleared the day so I could prepare.  NO HELPING ANYONE.  Just sit and prepare.  I went to the park to try to get away from things and barking dogs and such.  I was hoping that I could prepare in my journal and then go home and type it out.  Nope.  I ended up lying in the grass and staring at the sky.  For a long time.  Until I had to pee.  Then I went home.

I kept thinking about this task.  This calling.  This was an opportunity that God presented to me and I felt like He was asking me... like He asked Jeremiah... "Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?" and I wanted so badly to respond like Jeremiah and say, "Here I am.  Send me."  And a flood of verses came to mind.  From Joshua: "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous!  Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed.  For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." From Paul to Timothy: "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity."  

Even though I knew in my head that this was an amazing opportunity... I had to battle my heart and my flesh as I felt my frustration level rising.  There was a sense of urgency in finishing my preparation ahead of time and I was not performing.  I had no output.  It was like a ticking clock... a countdown to the moment when my inadequacy and unpreparedness would be revealed and on display for ALL THESE WOMEN to witness.  My shame was impending.  

And then something small... so tiny in the grand scheme of things... just like the girl at the retreat who wanted to introduce herself to me... something triggered and the floodgates opened and I had a full on meltdown...again.  I cried harder than I'd cried in a long time; I cried to the point of debilitation.  I could only lie in bed and let all my tears and snot flow out of my eyes and nose.  Did any of the Bible guys have moments right before battle... where they were alone and despairing because they maybe only had 300 men to go up against thousands?  I had nothing up until that point.  Nothing but a few lines and a couple of devotionals that I thought were noteworthy... it was a pittance compared to what I needed to offer on Saturday.  Yeah.  So I wailed.  

Sometimes God comes in a whirlwind... like how He came to Job.  Sometimes He comes as a big dark cloud or a blazing fire on Mount Sinai like He came to Moses.  And yet sometimes... He comes as a still small voice to a little Asian girl crying her eyes out in her bed... on top of her blanket of pink and turquoise flowers.  He said to me... "Tiff... my child... I hear you.  I know you.  You cannot do this on your own, but I can.  Let me.  Pick yourself up.  Clean up.  Let me help you."  So that's what I did.  I was still crying... still leaking... as I trudged to the bathroom (and hoped that no one would seem me on the way there).  I looked at my face in the mirror and what I saw was appalling.  Bloodshot eyes... streams of snot pouring out of both nostrils and down my chin... and the frizzy hair of a crazed mad-woman.  What is super ugly to my eyes is what I see.  But God sees the heart.  And the heart of a woman who is so completely broken before God... is beautiful to Him.  That is where true beauty lies.  It's not in the face.  It's not in the eyes.  It's not in flawless skin or beautifully tamed tresses or even in delicately manicured fingernails.  It's the heart.  

So I decided that... maybe I cannot write a speech to these ladies... but I can write them a letter.  Worst case scenario, I will just read the letter out loud and then sit down and be done with it.  So that's what I did.  I wrote them a letter like I was writing out a blog post.  As I was writing my letter, I thought of pictures I could use to help draw them into my life... into my testimony... so I started my powerpoint of pictures.  And then before I knew it (two days letter... the night before my talk)... my letter was pretty much done.  I had no idea how to end it so I just ended it with, "Thank you, I'm done".  Kinda reminded me of Forrest Gump when he ends a story and says, "and that's all I've got to say about that."  I only practiced for about 12 minutes.  I got through half my letter in 12 minutes so I figured that finishing up the rest of it would fill up the 30 minute time slot.  That was as good as it was going to get.

The morning of the brunch... I woke up kind of late.  I had no time to prepare anything.  I had barely enough time to get ready.  We left 10 minutes later than I originally planned.  There were two fresh accidents on the way there and 3 people texted me that morning telling me they couldn't come.  Frustration from being in traffic and possibly being late and then disappointment from friends who wouldn't be able to make it... it felt like Satan was actively trying to break my spirit and tear down my courage.  So I prayed.  I sent a prayer request to my small group and a few close friends and I sat for the rest of the car ride... fighting back tears...but feeling a sense of peace in my heart.  If Satan was trying so hard to destroy me... that must mean that there was significance and importance to this brunch.  I felt even more affirmed that this was where God wanted me to be.  

The fact that my cousins go to this church had nothing to do with how I became this brunch's speaker... they found out after I already agreed to do it.  It is also no coincidence that my cousin was going to be the MC as well.  She'd done it in previous years and she was going to do it again this year.  My cousins knew I was going to be a little late and when I got there, I was greeted by a great big hug and a smiling face saying, "NO WORRIES!!!  Everyone's on Asian time!!!" and then I burst into tears again.  And then my cousin and another lovely lady laid hands on me and prayed for me.  

And everything did turn out just fine from then on out.  My cousin cried while introducing me.  I was already delicate on the tear threshold so i don't think I went 5 minutes into my talk before I started crying.  But it was OK.  Always a good day when there's crying involved.

And it was a good crowd.  They laughed even when I wasn't really trying to be funny.  I went off script many times because I was just feeding off the energy from the crowd.  And this was my life... I know my life inside and out.  I cried harder about this than my defense but this turned out even better than that because I felt God moving and I felt the power of the Holy Spirit behind me and in me... and I was as much captivated by God's grace to me as I suspect the ladies were as they listened to my testimony.  

Here's some of my favorite pictures from that day.

My cousins

The "kids" table

My family

K, I've spent enough time reminiscing about this and I've got to get back to studying about medical heart failure... but I was motivated to blog this morning by today's Bible reading.  I read in Exodus 24 about how God called to Moses out of the cloud on Mount Sinai... where His presence was seen like a fire over the mountain.  And Moses walked right into the cloud.  What is in the cloud?  Maybe from outside the cloud it looks like darkness and uncertainty... and maybe some trials or the "unknown"... I don't know if this little "tea talk" was just the mist that precedes the actual cloud... but where God is calling me and where I'm walking into... is going into God's presence.  Whatever will happen inside that cloud... as I'm covered with His presence... will be awesomeness and amazingness... and things too wonderful for me to know.  

I'm a crier.  I cry a lot.  Apparently, I have a lot of meltdowns as well.  I don't walk into any of this with full confidence that I can conquer any of it.  I walk into it broken and fearful... and very, very aware of my own unworthiness.  But also in today's Bible reading was Paul's letter to the Corinthians.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 ESV)

In my weakness, Jesus has the opportunity to shine through it. There are moments when I know I cannot do it alone. There are moments when I cry out to God because I have no respite, no peace...when I am struggling to stay above water to keep from drowning...and I cry out and He brings rest and peace and strength to go on. To be kept in a state of constant reliance on God is not a bad thing. It doesn't feel lovely on one end but on another...intimacy with God is a prize that exceeds the value of any peace or happiness this world can provide. Loneliness, singleness, stress, being overwhelmed with demands and expectations, hurts, pains, and anything that makes my heart cry out...brings me that much closer to God and in Him is perfect peace irregardless of today's circumstances. Or yesterday's. 

  Or last week's.  

Will I ever get to a point when I DON'T have a meltdown before sharing in front of a group of people?  I have no idea.  Will I ever get another chance to share like this again?  Who knows.  Only God knows.  I see how each time, the feats get a little bit bigger and the crowd gets a little bit scarier.  I can only wonder what this "tea talk" is preparing me for in the future.  Regardless though... the message I prepared for the women at this talk IS something that I needed to solidify in my own life.  I am beautiful and I am worthy...because I am loved by God.  

To all the women from the retreat in SD... you may have moved on with your lives and you may have forgotten me by now... but I have not forgotten you and the lessons that God taught me through the circumstances by which we met.  And now to all the women at the women's brunch in Glendale... you may not remember me a year from now or recall what I said... but I will remember and I will keep the lessons God taught me close to my heart.  Because of you I may have had major meltdowns but also because of you, I learned how much God loves me and how far He will go to care for me and comfort me.  Saying yes to you meant saying yes to God.  Thank you for the opportunity and thank you for the tears.  And to all my family and friends who always support me through whatever craziness I tend to find myself in... thank YOU for your love.  Alright.  Too smooshie.  Back to studying.  

much much love, 
Tiff

Unleash

Hokay... so I blog to update and mark significant junctures in my life.  I'm about to have a big one this week.  On Wednesday, I defend my dissertation-evidence-based-change-project-doohickey in front of my committee and some classmates and then I'll be DONE with my doctorate.  DONE DONE DONE!!!  It's pretty surreal at this point but I only have a few more days to prepare!  Can't believe it's finally upon me.  But still... if Jesus wants to come in the next couple days, I'll take it.  I'll take heaven over my defense any day.

Our new series at church is called "unleash".  The thing that stuck out to me today was to "be bold" and not care so much about what others think of me.  It's somewhat in line with my goals of being "unashamed and unafraid" to be who God made me to be.  

When I think about the word "unleash"... I imagine a dog on a leash... and the moment when you pull the clasp and release the hook... he bolts out in freedom... running, jumping, frolicking... What a feeling.  FREEDOM.  JOY.  Oh the possibilities!  

Yeah.  I don't feel like I'm gonna be running out into the world with joy at the moment.  Right now, I'm pretty struck with anxiety and fear.  

What keeps me from being "unleashed" or unashamed or unafraid?  Fear of failure or fear of inadequacy, I'm guessing.  And coming up ahead... I've got many things that could make me feel like a failure/inadequate.

First of all, my defense.  Going up in front of a committee of doctors and defending the significance of my study... I worked really hard on it but there were a LOT of things I know could have been better but I did the best I could at the time.  They could rip me apart and make me feel like the culmination of my last three years of schooling was subpar.  

After I finish defending, I'll be focusing energy on studying for my board exam.  Passing or failing that exam could also make me feel like I'm not worthy to be a nurse practitioner...that I don't know enough to prove my competency... that I'm not smart enough or good enough.  

And then looking for jobs and facing rejection and the knowledge that so many other people are more desirable than me.  And then maybe actually starting work and feeling stupid left and right as I acclimate to a new role which requires a whole different mindset and skillset than what I have only barely begun to feel moderately competent as a registered nurse in the cardiac ICU.  

Writing it out is giving me a little bit of anxiety.  

OK.  So being unashamed and unafraid.... here's another area that's been giving me quite a bit of anxiety lately... I've started online dating.  Not that long ago... maybe a week-ish.  In and of itself... it seems like no big deal but little did I know how I'd respond to the whole thing once I actually decided to go ahead with it.  It was kind of on a whim.  My mom presented the idea to me and when my arguments against it seemed to come up kind of lame... I decided... why not just try?  If it doesn't work out, I'll just end up right where I am right now.  I thought about it and kind of decided that... I can't really complain about not being able to see any water in the desert wasteland I'm standing in the middle of... if I don't actually try to dig a well.  Digging the well might not mean that I'll find water... but at least I could try.  And it's not super high priority right now... it's just something that's going on in the background... in preparation for the future... if it works out.  

And everyone's been SUPER supportive.  I freak out about it all the time.  Probably multiple times a day.  Thank GOD I've got friends who listen and calm me down when I need it.  Don't ask me too much about it tho.  It might trigger an anxiety attack and then you'll be forced to deal with the ramifications of that.  I actually started crying in the middle of creating a profile.  Had to take a break.  I come back to it... feel ok... and then get anxious and have to stop and take a break.  I don't even want to look at my profile anymore.  It makes me super insecure.

I think what's bothering me about it is the judgment.  I don't like feeling judged and I don't like the feeling of judging others but that's exactly what's happening on the site all the time.  I look at people's pictures, their height, their job, their education, and what they wrote about themselves and... how much can be extrapolated from it?  How much of the worth of a person can I actually get from an online profile?  How much of my "worth" can I infuse into my profile?  Putting it out there is like telling the world... GO AHEAD... RATE MY INADEQUACY!!!!!!  YOUR SILENCE TELLS ME JUST HOW UNDESIRABLE AND WORTHLESS I REALLY AM!!!!!!!  

Call me dramatic.  I am.  I admit it.  For someone who's struggling with my worth... this whole thing brings on an additional dimension of vulnerability that I've never had to face so blatantly before.  It makes me feel uneasy.  It makes me feel exposed and raw.  And you know what it also does?  It's giving me an opportunity to prove to God whose opinion matters most to me and where I find my worth.  To be in the place I am right now... demands my faith be tested.  And if I am trying to grow in new and different ways... by golly it's gonna happen as God brings me to life situations which are new and different from anything I've ever experienced before.   

Today's Old Testament theology class was on Land in the Pentateuch, Old Testament and New Testament.  The land of Canaan was desirable land.  It was in the middle of a bunch of trade routes between Africa, Europe and Asia.  Perfect for evangelism actually.  But it was also vulnerable to attack from all sides... and it was pretty much a desert... and back in the day... prosperity depended on whether or not there was rain.  RAIN.  Oh God's grace from heaven.  Life-giving water... fall from the sky. Regardless though... this land is highly coveted.  It was the land promised to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  Their inheritance.  

In the book of Deuteronomy, Jerry taught us that Moses was reminding the Israelites not to forget what happened in the land of Egypt and in the wilderness just prior to crossing the Jordan and taking hold of their promised land.  God's redemptive power to deliver them out of slavery in Egypt... God's faithfulness to the Israelites in the wilderness to guide them, feed them, provide for them even though they were only wandering there because of their faithlessness and disobedience.  I don't know if I can liken my schooling to my wandering the wilderness... but I am standing right at the edge of the Jordan river of my life... about ready to cross over and fight for my inheritance... and I need to remind MYSELF about Egypt (what bondage I was saved from) and the wilderness (God's faithfulness to me in the midst of it) so that I can cross the river boldly, and by God's grace, claim my inheritance.  It's not the same, I know.  Just bear with me.  

My Egypt.  

There are so many things I've been saved from, but first and foremost... my soul has been saved by grace by the power of Jesus's blood.  My sins have been blotted out, past, present and future... and I am promised an inheritance in the kingdom of God.  But not only that... the Holy Spirit is working out my salvation within me... changing me, refining me, transforming my character... bringing me into greater freedom in Him.  I know the thoughts I used to think.  I know the cycles of sin I used to fall into and sometimes still continue to fall into.  I also remember... not knowing love, not knowing joy, not knowing passion.  I remember constantly being frustrated and seeing the worst of people.  I remember feeling constant disappointment in people.  I remember the bitterness and distrust that used to plague my countenance and poison my thoughts.  I remember seeing life as bland and colorless and not understanding what anyone was getting excited about because... nothing excited me.  Nothing moved me.  

And then... Anderson happened.  This force of nature which rocked my world... this little man who came into my life and somehow... saw me... as beautiful.  I honestly don't know what value he saw in me but he saw it and he thought ME worth staying with... worth enduring... worth the onslaught of torturous situations I put him through in the beginning because of my own insecurity... and he helped me become the best version of myself.  He saw goodness.  I don't know if he even knew what he was doing... but his love... made me a better person.  His love echoed God's love in my life.  

And then... he was gone.  I was empty, torn apart and desperate... and then God revealed Himself to me and took my breath away.  All of the good things in this world... were God's gift to me.  All the harsh things in this world... were God's way of showing me that nothing could ever satisfy me the way He can.  All of it... was because He loves me and has been in love with me since before I was born.  His love is relentless.  He loved me when I didn't acknowledge Him.  He loved me when I turned my back on Him.  He loved me when I rejected Him and pursued other lovers.  I break His heart when I do those things though.  And all He wants is for me to return to Him... turn my face towards Him... and love Him back.  He fronted me His love by dying for me first.  And He did what it took to get me to see and understand His love...even if it meant taking away his gifts temporarily.  That is how much He loves me.  That is how much I'm worth to Him.  His love overwhelms me.  I love the Giver first and the gifts next.  

My Wilderness

I started work as a nurse not too long after being widowed.  It was the hardest thing I'd ever done up until that point in my career.  I felt inadequate in that role for a very long time even after I'd done well in school and passed my boards.  I started a doctoral program a year after I started working and it was not the easiest thing in the world either... but that's why it's a doctorate.  If it were easy, everyone would have one.  It's actually probably one of the easier doctorates to get.  Anyway.  Still a doctorate.  It was a pain in the butt more than anything.  But God was faithful to me then.  He sustained me at work.  He sustained me at school.  God arranged my work situation so that I could transfer into the ICU... just like I wanted.  And when it became evident that I couldn't work full-time night shift AND do school at the same time... God provided a way for me to go part-time day shift on the best unit EVER in the hospital I'm at.  When I was desperate to get a clinical contract so that I could begin clinicals... God miraculously had something come through and also miraculously provided preceptors for me to learn from.  When I had no idea where I'd do my acute care clinicals, God also provided for that as well.  I interviewed a palliative care NP for a class assignment and next thing I know, I'm doing clinicals at City of Hope.  I lost my other preceptor in the hospital once and ran into a MD and NP in an elevator... began chatting with them and then all of the sudden, I had more preceptors and I'm learning from the Bone Marrow Transplant Team.  God provided for me miraculously then and He won't stop now.

God meets me in times of desperation and maybe allowed me to get into impossible situations so that He could show me His love and His power to provide.  I've experienced God's grace so much more fully and powerfully because of the desperate situations I've been in... so... what do I have to worry about now?  Nothing really.

If I don't pass my defense... I guess I'll fix it and defend again.  If I don't pass boards, I'll just study harder and take them again.  If I don't find a job, I'll keep trying and keep working as a RN until then.  And if I don't find anyone online, then... I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and accept that God's purposes and plans require me to be single right now... and to live my single life to the fullest extent that I can.  It's by God's grace that I'm even where I am today and it'll be by God's grace that I get through the battles coming up ahead.  My worth has nothing to do with whether or not I succeed at these worldly things... it has everything to do with my identity... who I am.  If God saw me, loved me, died for me, and continues to lavish His love on me... then I am "worth it" to the only One who matters for an eternity.

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. (Luke 9:23-26 ESV)

Pray for me, friends.  I need a lot of it!
much much love,
Tiff

inhale grace, exhale praise

Hm... a lot has happened this past month.  

January 2014... I got my eyes lasered... I turned 32.  Two big things.  

I don't even know where January went.  It was 2013 and then all of the sudden it's February.  I tried to remember what happened to January and I honestly think I ate my way through it (during many, many birthday celebrations) or I slept my way through it... because getting my eyes lasered forced me to slow down a little bit.  

I don't really have a clear focus for this blog post.  It's most for record-keeping or reminding myself what was going through my head at this particular juncture.  I'll write to you as if you asked me, "so...what's been going on with you lately?"

Getting my eyes lasered.  It was something I wanted to have done one of these days.  I kept putting it off... putting it off... until I realized... that... one day, I'm just going to have to buckle down and get it done.  So I asked a friend for advice on it... and then I was getting my pre-op consultation... and then I was getting xanax'd and lasered.  The pre-op period wasn't too bad.  A lot of it was just getting used to the switch from hard lenses to soft lenses, adjusting to my astigmatism which seemed to go pretty crazy in the weeks prior to surgery, and then trying to follow directions as best I could.  The pre-op directions weren't as difficult as the post-op ones... and even those weren't that bad.  I WAS afraid.  There were moments when I thought whether or not it was all worth it.  Thinking about something cutting into my eyeballs was a little freaky.  But so many people have gotten it done.  There was a pretty high likelihood that I'd come out of it without willingly blinding myself.  But it was a possibility.  

I'm a nurse.  I take care of post-op patients sometimes.  I follow orders.  I monitor for signs and symptoms of complications.  It's really different when I, myself, am the patient and when the consequences of any failure to report a complication is my eyesight.  I became highly paranoid.  Who wouldn't?  They're my EYES after all.  I was making plans in my head... for what if I end up blind... what I could do for the rest of my life.  I'd definitely quit school and work.  I didn't think too far beyond that.  But I did think about my post-op care... a lot.  

I got papers with instructions for what to do and what not to do.  Other people went over them with me.  I read them over and over again.  It seemed simple enough but what was left to do was for me to take care of myself and put those drops in my eyes.  Drops, drops and more drops... and even more drops because I had some pretty severe dry eye immediately post-op.  The dry eye reminded me that I needed to follow instructions but the fear of getting an infection, the fear of damaging my eyes from improperly managing post-op edema... I don't know... fear of doing something wrong and going blind... kept me motivated.  The surgeon, or other docs who know what they're doing, wrote me these instructions and if I followed them, I'd be less likely to have complications... it was not a guarantee but it was good practice based on evidence.  It wasn't to ruin my life with constant eyedropping; they were for my own good.  And I learned a little more about having a heart of obedience.  

All in all... I'm really enjoying the vision.  It's really nice not to have to put in or take out contacts.  It's really nice to just open my eyes when I wake up and to be able to see.  Sometimes I wake up and I forget and panic just a little bit because I thought I slept in my contacts... and then I remember and I breathe a sigh of relief.  I'm glad I did it.  And that might be all I have to say about that.  

This past birthday was a pretty amazing one.  I did the same thing I've done for the past few years... I spent time with my friends.  I had a google document where I had people sign up for time slots to hang out with me.  I do this because what I truly value is spending quality time with my friends.  Personally, I don't really like going to big parties where the only person I know and the only person I actually WANT to talk to is the birthday person... but I probably won't get to talk to them much because they're too busy trying to enjoy themselves or talk to everyone else.  I'd much rather focus on one friend or a few friends at a time and only have them stay for that particular time slot and then let them be on their way.  It might take me days or weeks or even months to do it... but I want to spend time with the people who want to spend time with me.  

So many people wanted to spend time with me that the night before my birthday weekend... I actually got anxious and afraid that I wouldn't have enough energy to make it through the entire weekend.  I couldn't sleep the night before because I was scared I'd get tired and grumpy and take it out on a friend who went through so much effort to come see me.  But none of that really happened.  What I did feel... one friend after another... was joy.  

I realized that what I longed for was the presence of my friends.  Not even just their physical presence but to spend quality time knowing them... catching up with them... laughing with them.  I loved that so many people took the time to drive out and spend an hour with me.  Some people probably drove for more than an hour to spend that hour with me.  The time and the effort was extremely meaningful for me.  

And even more... I think this year was one year where more people than usual actually read my evite and followed directions.  I appreciate physical presence, but even if you cannot make the drive to me... I also appreciated the skype-time, the FaceTime, or emails.  EVEN MORE... was when the select handful of people wrote out their responses to my gift request.  I wasn't expecting people to come prepared having done their "homework".  It made me feel special and loved when people did what I requested.  They were meant to be suggestions... but some people wrote responses to every single item!  I truly FELT loved by these friends.  And again... learned a little more about the heart of God... how he longs for our presence, how he longs to just talk with us and hear us and KNOW us, and how much he must delight when we follow His requests/instructions.  It does hurt me a little bit when people make promises and don't keep them.  I know their intentions were to be there or to come through... but then again... I also learned a little bit more about the heart of God... and feel a tiny bit of what He must feel when we make promises but other things become more important... we don't make it... or even worse... when we forget.  

So in case you didn't make it or just for my own record-keeping... here's what I would have shared with you.  

(from the evite)

- share your highlight(s) from 2013, hopes for 2014
- share a favorite memory (with or without me in it)
- share an encouragement or an encouraging moment 
- share a favorite food of yours (or mine)
- share something meaningful with me... whatever you choose... song, poem, picture... something uniquely "you"

HIGHLIGHT(S) 2013

Oh man.  Too many to count.  I finished the worst year of my NP schooling.  Last January I was having meltdowns as I was confronted with my own inadequacy and ignorance as I transitioned into practicing NP work.  Honestly, I still don't feel even remotely competent or prepared but I still have a little bit of time before it really counts.  I completed my own doctoral study in July.  I sent my director my first final draft.  She said it's pretty much done.  Just a few minor tweaks left, I hope.  I'm waiting for my doctoral defense date.  After that... I'll be done and graduated and can remove the (c) after my degree so that I won't just be a candidate... I will be a full on Doctor of Nursing Practice.  I guess then I'll update my resume.  After I pass boards, then I guess I can add a few more letters after my name.  Dr. Tiffany Chen, DNP, AGACNP-BC (adult-geriatric acute care nurse practitioner-board certified)... and then to figure out where to stick the MPH (master of public health) in there... does that go after the DNP?  Do I even need the RN in there anymore?  The PHN (public health nurse)?  Sounds fancy.  And complicated.  I somehow don't even really feel like I deserve all the letters...although I guess I did go through all the schooling for it.  I'm going to have to figure out how I'm supposed to order all those letters... soon.  I bought myself a lab coat which I was going to have embroidered for myself.  Maybe I'll just make myself stickers and change it around like scrabble pieces.  I still feel like a kid even tho I know I'm supposed to be an adult now.  

HOPES for 2014.

Whelps... after I finish my defense, then I'll focus myself more fully onto studying for boards and also looking for a job.  Once I find that job, then I'll hafta focus myself more onto learning that new role.  I may move out if my job is far from home.  So... overall... 2014 is going to be a year of HUGE changes for me.  One step at a time though.  I have plans... ish.  Nothing's specific but I have an order with which I'm going to tackle each step.  I hope I survive.  I hope I'm not crying everyday after work like I did for the first 3 months when I started working as a RN.  I hope I actually find a job.  Wouldn't that be crazy.  But I still have my RN job and my director told me that I'd always have a job there as long as I wanted one.  Not worried.  

Every year for the past 5 years, a friend has taken me to Disneyland for my birthday.  After the first two years, I decided I didn't need so many pins with just "Tiffany" on them so I started making up names for myself.  Two years ago, I tried to be "Flower" and it ended up looking like "Floner".  Last year, I was "Love".  This year, I thought I wanted to be "Hope" but I ended up choosing "Faith" this year and I think next year will be "Hope".  Then I will have pins which say, "Faith", "Hope", and "Love".  My cousin and I joked that I should try to collect all the fruit of the Spirit.  I should like to enlist the help of some brave friend who'd like to get "Self-Control" for me to complete my collection.  O-o.  

I chose "Faith" this year because... in all my Bible readings... and pretty much every lesson that God's been teaching me this year... it's all been pivoting around my faith.  Faith in who God is... faith in His power... in His provision... in His perfect plan for my life.  Seemed fitting then... that I dedicate this year to focus more intently on my faith... with the pin labeled as my promise to God this year.  

FAVORITE MEMORY

I liked to take this opportunity to reminisce on favorite memories with that friend... or think about the first time I met them or the first time they endeared themselves onto my heart.  A favorite general memory... hm... maybe... the one I can think of right now... is one that happened in June of 2013... I remember feeling washed with a sense of peace... having a giant weight lifted from me as I purged memories and burdens which I had buried deep within my heart from over a decade ago... I stood in the middle of the street, next to my car, at night... closed my eyes and raised my face towards the sky.  I extended both my arms and just... breathed.  I remember feeling the brisk night air hitting my face and filling my lungs.  As I think back now... the line... "forever I'll be breathing in Your grace... and breathing out Your praise..." seems to label that memory.  

AN ENCOURAGEMENT 

Don't be afraid to make changes, or remain still, when necessary.  Assess your situation and assess it often.  Think about where you are, where you want to be short-term and where you want to be long-term.  If something isn't lining up, then take steps towards realignment.  I think back... a few years ago... when Anderson left this earth... I lost my best friend.  I prayed for God to bring a best friend into my life.  I know how rare it is to find a best friend so late in life.  And God brought me like two best friends... and a whole bunch of really, really good ones.  It was like... when I was with Anderson, I only had a few friend-roses in bloom... and now when I look at the garden of my life... I have so many friend-flowers... all different kinds... from all different places... in all different colors... and it's a thing of beauty.  A few years ago, I decided that I wanted to have a mentor... a woman who I could follow and learn to grow in passionate love for God, passionate love for God's people and passionate love for God's Word... and God provided two women who have faithfully cared for me and have spoken wisdom into my life for the past 3-4 years at least.  When I asked God for a church community which would help grow me in new and different ways... He provided that too.  I went out and sought these things and sometimes it took a few tries to find something that stuck but God provided all of these things for me.  He heard the cries of my heart and He gave me what I asked for.  Sometimes I had to let go of some old things in order to make room for the new ones but overall... I think I've gained more than I've loosed and even things that I've let go... here and there I realize that they didn't go anywhere.  They just come in and out of my life occasionally with purpose, intention, and meaning.  Where I am right now, is a far better place than where I was 6 months ago... or a year ago... and I think that things will only continue to get better and better in the future.  Things change... circumstances change... adjusting myself to those changes and then making changes when necessary... has seemed to work out pretty well for me.  God has been very, very good.  

FAVORITE FOODS/DRINKS

Lately... fuji apples... chirashi... carne asada... grilled shrimp tacos... genmai cha... jasmine-green tea... peach tea and boba... really excellent egg tarts... this coffee bread with cream cheese from JJ Bakery... mm... beef... always beef... 

SOMETHING MEANINGFUL AND UNIQUELY "ME"

OK... so after my birthday weekend and 4 straight days of rapid-fire friend-hangouts... I went into an introverted recovery period where all I wanted to do was rest and be quiet and alone.  I felt myself retreat as the chaotic whirlwind of my birthday festivities came to an abrupt end... and I entered into a period of... depression maybe?  I'm not sure.  My aunt took this picture of me at Laguna Beach... and I felt like it really represented how I felt at the moment... kind of dark and stormy.  

As loved and honored and cherished as I felt over my birthday weekend... I somehow switched gears and FELT alone, unwanted, abandoned, and unworthy in my storminess.  I felt the weight of the years of hard work... the scars of people who had hurt me in the past... and I just felt beaten and worn and ugly... like the side of this rock I saw on the beach.  Striated with scars... with open gaping holes where people have punched in and out of my life... and just blah and colorless.  Is that what depression feels like?  It sounds kind of bad now that I'm writing it out.  I'm pretty emotional sometimes... it's just part of who I am.  I'm sharing something "uniquely me", remember?

Striated and punched

 I realized that even though I felt blah and poopy and ugly... that sometimes... it's just a feeling.  Feeling blah and being alone only heightens the feeling for me.  What I needed to do... what was good for me... was to get out and be with people.  I needed to open up with other people and share life with them. I had hangouts scheduled with people who couldn't make it to see me during my birthday weekend.  Going out and seeing people I haven't seen in a while and recounting the things that have happened in the past... sharing the lessons I've learned... remembering favorite memories... hearing how they're doing... seeing their growth and progress... remembering all that's happened in the past few years... telling them "thank you" for the impact they've had on my life... or simply sharing a meal and laughing at myself when I broke my cone in half trying to transfer my self-serve ice cream from the scooper to the cone... those are the things that break me out of my poopyness... the things that bring joy into my heart... the things that make life worth living.

Before he died, I caught Anderson telling one of my friends... to make sure that she gets me out of the house... out from behind the computer screen... that she makes sure that she does things with me... so that I would continue on and live life instead of hiding behind the things I thought were safe and comfortable... or watching movies and living life vicariously through the characters on the screen.  I realized only recently that I feel the most joy and fulfillment when I am making meaningful memories with other people.  How did he know... when I was just a seedling... what kind of a flower I would turn out to be?  Maybe when he loved me with a love like God's... he also saw me with eyes like His as well.  I think Anderson saw the best version of me... even when I couldn't see it in myself... and he did his best to pave the way so the best version of me could live the best life I could live... and then to encourage me to share it with everyone around me.

K.  That was long.
Night y'all.
Love,
Tiff