Unleash

Hokay... so I blog to update and mark significant junctures in my life.  I'm about to have a big one this week.  On Wednesday, I defend my dissertation-evidence-based-change-project-doohickey in front of my committee and some classmates and then I'll be DONE with my doctorate.  DONE DONE DONE!!!  It's pretty surreal at this point but I only have a few more days to prepare!  Can't believe it's finally upon me.  But still... if Jesus wants to come in the next couple days, I'll take it.  I'll take heaven over my defense any day.

Our new series at church is called "unleash".  The thing that stuck out to me today was to "be bold" and not care so much about what others think of me.  It's somewhat in line with my goals of being "unashamed and unafraid" to be who God made me to be.  

When I think about the word "unleash"... I imagine a dog on a leash... and the moment when you pull the clasp and release the hook... he bolts out in freedom... running, jumping, frolicking... What a feeling.  FREEDOM.  JOY.  Oh the possibilities!  

Yeah.  I don't feel like I'm gonna be running out into the world with joy at the moment.  Right now, I'm pretty struck with anxiety and fear.  

What keeps me from being "unleashed" or unashamed or unafraid?  Fear of failure or fear of inadequacy, I'm guessing.  And coming up ahead... I've got many things that could make me feel like a failure/inadequate.

First of all, my defense.  Going up in front of a committee of doctors and defending the significance of my study... I worked really hard on it but there were a LOT of things I know could have been better but I did the best I could at the time.  They could rip me apart and make me feel like the culmination of my last three years of schooling was subpar.  

After I finish defending, I'll be focusing energy on studying for my board exam.  Passing or failing that exam could also make me feel like I'm not worthy to be a nurse practitioner...that I don't know enough to prove my competency... that I'm not smart enough or good enough.  

And then looking for jobs and facing rejection and the knowledge that so many other people are more desirable than me.  And then maybe actually starting work and feeling stupid left and right as I acclimate to a new role which requires a whole different mindset and skillset than what I have only barely begun to feel moderately competent as a registered nurse in the cardiac ICU.  

Writing it out is giving me a little bit of anxiety.  

OK.  So being unashamed and unafraid.... here's another area that's been giving me quite a bit of anxiety lately... I've started online dating.  Not that long ago... maybe a week-ish.  In and of itself... it seems like no big deal but little did I know how I'd respond to the whole thing once I actually decided to go ahead with it.  It was kind of on a whim.  My mom presented the idea to me and when my arguments against it seemed to come up kind of lame... I decided... why not just try?  If it doesn't work out, I'll just end up right where I am right now.  I thought about it and kind of decided that... I can't really complain about not being able to see any water in the desert wasteland I'm standing in the middle of... if I don't actually try to dig a well.  Digging the well might not mean that I'll find water... but at least I could try.  And it's not super high priority right now... it's just something that's going on in the background... in preparation for the future... if it works out.  

And everyone's been SUPER supportive.  I freak out about it all the time.  Probably multiple times a day.  Thank GOD I've got friends who listen and calm me down when I need it.  Don't ask me too much about it tho.  It might trigger an anxiety attack and then you'll be forced to deal with the ramifications of that.  I actually started crying in the middle of creating a profile.  Had to take a break.  I come back to it... feel ok... and then get anxious and have to stop and take a break.  I don't even want to look at my profile anymore.  It makes me super insecure.

I think what's bothering me about it is the judgment.  I don't like feeling judged and I don't like the feeling of judging others but that's exactly what's happening on the site all the time.  I look at people's pictures, their height, their job, their education, and what they wrote about themselves and... how much can be extrapolated from it?  How much of the worth of a person can I actually get from an online profile?  How much of my "worth" can I infuse into my profile?  Putting it out there is like telling the world... GO AHEAD... RATE MY INADEQUACY!!!!!!  YOUR SILENCE TELLS ME JUST HOW UNDESIRABLE AND WORTHLESS I REALLY AM!!!!!!!  

Call me dramatic.  I am.  I admit it.  For someone who's struggling with my worth... this whole thing brings on an additional dimension of vulnerability that I've never had to face so blatantly before.  It makes me feel uneasy.  It makes me feel exposed and raw.  And you know what it also does?  It's giving me an opportunity to prove to God whose opinion matters most to me and where I find my worth.  To be in the place I am right now... demands my faith be tested.  And if I am trying to grow in new and different ways... by golly it's gonna happen as God brings me to life situations which are new and different from anything I've ever experienced before.   

Today's Old Testament theology class was on Land in the Pentateuch, Old Testament and New Testament.  The land of Canaan was desirable land.  It was in the middle of a bunch of trade routes between Africa, Europe and Asia.  Perfect for evangelism actually.  But it was also vulnerable to attack from all sides... and it was pretty much a desert... and back in the day... prosperity depended on whether or not there was rain.  RAIN.  Oh God's grace from heaven.  Life-giving water... fall from the sky. Regardless though... this land is highly coveted.  It was the land promised to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  Their inheritance.  

In the book of Deuteronomy, Jerry taught us that Moses was reminding the Israelites not to forget what happened in the land of Egypt and in the wilderness just prior to crossing the Jordan and taking hold of their promised land.  God's redemptive power to deliver them out of slavery in Egypt... God's faithfulness to the Israelites in the wilderness to guide them, feed them, provide for them even though they were only wandering there because of their faithlessness and disobedience.  I don't know if I can liken my schooling to my wandering the wilderness... but I am standing right at the edge of the Jordan river of my life... about ready to cross over and fight for my inheritance... and I need to remind MYSELF about Egypt (what bondage I was saved from) and the wilderness (God's faithfulness to me in the midst of it) so that I can cross the river boldly, and by God's grace, claim my inheritance.  It's not the same, I know.  Just bear with me.  

My Egypt.  

There are so many things I've been saved from, but first and foremost... my soul has been saved by grace by the power of Jesus's blood.  My sins have been blotted out, past, present and future... and I am promised an inheritance in the kingdom of God.  But not only that... the Holy Spirit is working out my salvation within me... changing me, refining me, transforming my character... bringing me into greater freedom in Him.  I know the thoughts I used to think.  I know the cycles of sin I used to fall into and sometimes still continue to fall into.  I also remember... not knowing love, not knowing joy, not knowing passion.  I remember constantly being frustrated and seeing the worst of people.  I remember feeling constant disappointment in people.  I remember the bitterness and distrust that used to plague my countenance and poison my thoughts.  I remember seeing life as bland and colorless and not understanding what anyone was getting excited about because... nothing excited me.  Nothing moved me.  

And then... Anderson happened.  This force of nature which rocked my world... this little man who came into my life and somehow... saw me... as beautiful.  I honestly don't know what value he saw in me but he saw it and he thought ME worth staying with... worth enduring... worth the onslaught of torturous situations I put him through in the beginning because of my own insecurity... and he helped me become the best version of myself.  He saw goodness.  I don't know if he even knew what he was doing... but his love... made me a better person.  His love echoed God's love in my life.  

And then... he was gone.  I was empty, torn apart and desperate... and then God revealed Himself to me and took my breath away.  All of the good things in this world... were God's gift to me.  All the harsh things in this world... were God's way of showing me that nothing could ever satisfy me the way He can.  All of it... was because He loves me and has been in love with me since before I was born.  His love is relentless.  He loved me when I didn't acknowledge Him.  He loved me when I turned my back on Him.  He loved me when I rejected Him and pursued other lovers.  I break His heart when I do those things though.  And all He wants is for me to return to Him... turn my face towards Him... and love Him back.  He fronted me His love by dying for me first.  And He did what it took to get me to see and understand His love...even if it meant taking away his gifts temporarily.  That is how much He loves me.  That is how much I'm worth to Him.  His love overwhelms me.  I love the Giver first and the gifts next.  

My Wilderness

I started work as a nurse not too long after being widowed.  It was the hardest thing I'd ever done up until that point in my career.  I felt inadequate in that role for a very long time even after I'd done well in school and passed my boards.  I started a doctoral program a year after I started working and it was not the easiest thing in the world either... but that's why it's a doctorate.  If it were easy, everyone would have one.  It's actually probably one of the easier doctorates to get.  Anyway.  Still a doctorate.  It was a pain in the butt more than anything.  But God was faithful to me then.  He sustained me at work.  He sustained me at school.  God arranged my work situation so that I could transfer into the ICU... just like I wanted.  And when it became evident that I couldn't work full-time night shift AND do school at the same time... God provided a way for me to go part-time day shift on the best unit EVER in the hospital I'm at.  When I was desperate to get a clinical contract so that I could begin clinicals... God miraculously had something come through and also miraculously provided preceptors for me to learn from.  When I had no idea where I'd do my acute care clinicals, God also provided for that as well.  I interviewed a palliative care NP for a class assignment and next thing I know, I'm doing clinicals at City of Hope.  I lost my other preceptor in the hospital once and ran into a MD and NP in an elevator... began chatting with them and then all of the sudden, I had more preceptors and I'm learning from the Bone Marrow Transplant Team.  God provided for me miraculously then and He won't stop now.

God meets me in times of desperation and maybe allowed me to get into impossible situations so that He could show me His love and His power to provide.  I've experienced God's grace so much more fully and powerfully because of the desperate situations I've been in... so... what do I have to worry about now?  Nothing really.

If I don't pass my defense... I guess I'll fix it and defend again.  If I don't pass boards, I'll just study harder and take them again.  If I don't find a job, I'll keep trying and keep working as a RN until then.  And if I don't find anyone online, then... I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and accept that God's purposes and plans require me to be single right now... and to live my single life to the fullest extent that I can.  It's by God's grace that I'm even where I am today and it'll be by God's grace that I get through the battles coming up ahead.  My worth has nothing to do with whether or not I succeed at these worldly things... it has everything to do with my identity... who I am.  If God saw me, loved me, died for me, and continues to lavish His love on me... then I am "worth it" to the only One who matters for an eternity.

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. (Luke 9:23-26 ESV)

Pray for me, friends.  I need a lot of it!
much much love,
Tiff