in my wake

Cutting it close for this month's post.  September... flew by.

Greater by MercyMe

Bring your tired
Bring your shame
Bring your guilt
Bring your pain
Don’t you know that’s not you’re name
You will always be much more to me

I started my new job and it's been an easy transition on one hand, but a difficult one on the other.  I think that God's shown me so much grace in this job.  The person who's training me and my co-workers are very nice.  I get breakfast and lunch provided for me everyday.  The main surgeon I'm working under is also super nice and loves to teach.  

The difficulties are that I'm always super tired now.  I feel like my energy stores have been zapped and when I'm done with work, I really crave peace and quiet... and oftentimes solitude.  This is really different for me.  Before, I would plan things after work because I knew I'd want to hang out or do something.  Now, all I want to do is sleep.  I can barely stay awake for things nowadays.  I'm hoping that once I start to feel more comfortable and confident in my job, I won't be as tired afterwards.  I'm also hoping that I'll be able to find rest in unexpected places.  I feel like I barely have time to breathe nowadays.  

Every day I wrestle with the voices
That keep telling me I’m not right
But that’s alright

My new workplace has a few challenges.  One big one is that almost all the patients and the majority of the staff are Chinese and speak Chinese to each other regularly.  This is extremely challenging for someone who... doesn't speak Chinese and who can barely understand Cantonese.  I understand most of the things my family says to each other but definitely not enough to have a medical conversation with someone.  I'm trying to listen to learn more Chinese but it is quite difficult.  It seems downright impossible that I'll ever get to a point where I can work in another language.  

‘Cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed
When others say I’ll never be enough
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world
In the world
In the world
And greater is the One living inside of me
Than he who is living in the world

I've been reading about King David and his sons lately.  The past few days have been about Solomon and establishing his kingdom.  Solomon was rushed into being coronated because his brother, Adonijah, tried to usurp the throne.  And then his dad died and he was left to make his own choices and establish his kingdom and the tone of his reign.  At this point in my job, I kind of feel like the same thing is happening to me... in a sense.  This week is my first week "on my own", meaning that I'm not shadowing my preceptor (the nurse practitioner who's training me) anymore.  She'd been slowly giving me more responsibility over the past few weeks but this week I was supposed to go mostly solo.  I didn't feel ready for it and I didn't really want it just yet but... it had to come someday.  And I also now have a little more freedom to establish how I want to practice and how I want to relate to my coworkers.  A large part of my job is coordinating between various departments and it's been extremely difficult for me to be on the phone so much, especially since I'm NOT a phone person and I can barely remember who's on the other end of the line.  When I first started my nursing job, I absolutely dreaded talking to doctors on the phone.  I had to get over it for my RN job, but talking to them now is on a whole other level.  I'm coordinating care alongside them... ish.  OK and I know it's kind of dumb but... all the doctors kind of look the same to me.  I'm having a hard time remembering and knowing who is who and what kind of doctor they are and who likes to consult whom and blah blah blah.  I know this kind of knowledge will come with experience.  I'm just having a difficult time right now learning who everyone is... and separating all the male, middle-aged Chinese doctors I keep meeting.  

Bring your doubts
Bring your fears
Bring your hurt
Bring your tears
There’ll be no condemnation here
You are holy, righteous and redeemed

At BSF, our lecturer made this illustration... about how awesome it would be if everywhere we went, we would leave other people encouraged and worshipping God in our wake.  I thought about a ship sailing about the ocean and how the engine churns up all kinds of... stuff... and what kind of stuff would I want to be churned up when I pass by.  I would like to leave things happier and better than before I came.  I'd like to walk into the unit and have people be happy to see me... knowing that I'll take good care of my patients.  I used to think that I could leave my patients happier at the end of my shift than when I first got them.  I don't have that kind of confidence in my new role yet.  I'm not quite sure... if I'll be good at this... but I know that I want to be.  

Every time I fall
There’ll be those who will call me
A mistake
Well that’s ok

There’ll be days I lose the battle
Grace says that it doesn’t matter
‘Cause the cross already won the war
He’s Greater
He’s Greater

I've been ending most days feeling like I barely scraped by.  I've let a lot of things slide lately that I normally wouldn't.  I barely recognize myself anymore... I'm so very tired.  I had a rough day today.  It was a very long day.  Most days after work, I walk to the parking structure and I feel like gravity is pulling down my eyelids... pulling down my face... and I have to catch myself otherwise I'm afraid that I'll be walking around with this horrible, unwelcoming expression... but sometimes I just can't help it.  

This song, Greater, has been a great encouragement to me lately.  Some days, I just listen to it on repeat on the drive to work or the drive home and the lyrics just lift me up... or sometimes it helps me to barely squeeze through a tight spot.  I often hear lines of this song in my head... like... "you are holy, righteous and redeemed" and "you will always be much more to me".  This season of my life might be a slightly difficult one, but the journey to learning how to be a nurse practitioner isn't what defines who I am... it's part of growing to be who God made me to be.  I felt like my career had trained me for this position and now I know that this current job is training me for something greater in the future.  And all of this... all this life... is training me for something even greater... something greater than all of this world.  I'll know more when I get there.  

I am learning to run freely
Understanding just how He sees me
And it makes me love Him more and more
He’s Greater
He’s Greater

Just as a closing story... I ate lunch by myself today.  While I was getting lunch, one of the lunch ladies was standing next to me.  She said something three times before I realized she was talking to me in Chinese and when I responded to her, I bumbled something like, "oh... hi..." and then she walked away.  I got my food and sat down.  I ate and I watched her rearranging food stuffs and chit chat with other people and I felt bad.  I was super tired and feeling anti-social and there was a large part of me that wanted to just finish my lunch and get back to work because stuff was already building up and work was piling high.  But then again, I also felt badly that I didn't realize she was talking to me and I felt bad that I didn't try to talk to her back. I thought about how I wanted my "legacy" to begin and I didn't want it to begin like this. I didn't want her to think that I'm super rude and have that be the first thing she remembers of me... but she had already left the room and I wondered and hoped that she'd come back before I left so I could redeem my first impression of her.  It'd be like spending twice as much or even more time to dig myself out of the hole of a bad first impression than just fixing it right NOW... but would I get the chance?  I contemplated going to the back of the kitchen to look for her and apologize but thankfully, I did run into her just as I was leaving and I apologized and told her I was sorry that I didn't hear her before and thanked her for saying hi to me.  She also apologized to me for forgetting that I don't speak Chinese.  We smiled at each other and went our separate ways.  Such grace.  

I'm hoping that i can win over the nurses as well.  I somehow feel like a lot of them won't give me the time of day because I don't speak Chinese and also because... I'm new and maybe they don't think I know what I'm doing or what I'm talking about (because... mostly... I don't know what I'm doing...) but... one by one... I hope that I will earn their trust and confidence... and I hope that I'll be able to leave encouragement in my wake... and that God would be glorified in the way I do my work.  We'll see how it goes.  Thanks for reading if you got this far...

love,

Tiff

August Adventures

I feel like so much has happened since my last post.

Firstly, I got offered the job from the miracle interview I wrote about in the last post.  I actually didn't receive the more official offer until last Thursday.  There was some mixup with HR and then I was in Europe for 10 days...

Secondly, I was in Europe for 10 days!!!  So... this is how it went down.  I somehow accidentally forgot to put myself on the schedule to work from mid July to mid August.  This is not unusual.  It's happened many times and usually my manager will call me and put me back on the schedule.  This time, I didn't get a call... so I held a thought for about 0.25 seconds that maybe I should call and put myself on the schedule... but then that brief moment quickly fell into the shadows of a much grander thought... maybe I should take a trip before I start work.  Yeah.  I went with the vacation.

I hadn't planned on going to Europe.  My first thought was to take a holy land tour... but that didn't really seem feasible on such short notice... and there were also... bombs landing in Israel... so... yeah.  I decided to look at other options.  I also thought to myself... who else would have the time and the means to go somewhere with me... and my cousin came to mind.  She's actually not really MY cousin.  She's my dad's cousin but she's closer to my age than my dad's age so for all intents and purposes... she's my cousin...ish.  She just graduated with her doctorate from eyeball school so we thought that us two newly minted doctors could take a trip before we start working.  And then her parents decided that they wanted to go too.  So this lonely aspiring traveler acquired 3 travel companions within a week's notice.  It was a miracle in and of itself and yet another way that God shows me that He loves me... He provides for my needs and then goes above and beyond and answers the desires of my heart.

We went to Paris and Prague.  Saw lots and lots of buildings.  Paris is an incredibly beautiful city.  It's amazing how much effort they went to in order to make the buildings look the way they do and also how far they go to maintain it.  I walked around and I marveled... it just felt like I was experiencing a piece of history but in modern times.  It was also nice that pretty much everyone spoke English.  It did help that I understood some French but I really didn't have to even speak in any complete French sentences.  The French people seemed to understand my Franglais.  The closest I got to actually speaking French was ordering gelato.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from my trip:

Arc de Triomphe de l'Étoile -  honors those who fought and died for France in the French Revolutionary and the Napoleonic Wars

La Tour Eiffel was named after the engineer Gustave Eiffel and was erected in 1889 as the entrance arch to the 1889 World's Fair.

Our view from the middle of the Eiffel Tower

Inside the Cathedrale Notre-Dame de Paris

Loved the metro signs

Hangin' out at the Jardin du Luxembourg

Jardin du Luxembourg

Outside Chateau de Versailles

Somewhere outside Versailles

At the top of the Tour Montparnasse 

At a garden near Prague Castle

By the Vltava River

Obstacle course on Střelecký Ostrov.

The lock I left on the St. Charles Bridge.

I wasn't expecting my trip to Europe to be an amazing journey of self-discovery or that I would have any revelations or crazy epiphanies... but the act of leaving this lock on the bridge did change something inside of me.  I struggled with the idea of whether or not to leave a lock on a bridge.  It felt like vandalism.  It felt pointless.  But every time I passed a bridge with locks on it... it felt like something we would have done if we had been there together.  

Some years ago, a new fad started when love-struck sweethearts began locking padlocks onto the chain link fence of the Pont des Arts, which crosses from the left bank to the Louvre museum. The love padlocks, called cadenas d’amour, multiplied until there were thousands of love tokens on the bridge, each engraved with a message of love. After locking the love padlock onto the fence, lovers toss the keys into the Seine river – a sign of their eternal devotion.

I walked by so many locks on bridges in Paris... and also walked by a lot on bridges in Prague.  On the very last day of our trip, I decided... if we passed by the St. Charles Bridge one more time... I'd do it.  If I think about something for days... I figure... it meant enough to me to continue to ponder it... so I might as well just do it.  Even if it just gets cut off at a later time or no one cares or no one sees... it meant something to me at the moment I left it.  There were some pushy Asian tourists trying to make me move  (i.e. push me out of the way) so that they could get a picture at the exact spot where I was locking my lock.  I didn't even spend a long time choosing a spot.  I chose a spot as close to where we were walking by as possible and I chose the first location I could.  I would have liked to have spent even one minute IN the moment... but... the pushy Asians eventually got their wish and I moved so they could get their picture that apparently couldn't wait 20 more seconds.  At least I got MY picture.  And I forgot to throw the keys into the river.  Oh well.  Maybe I'll throw the keys into the ocean in California and it will REALLY symbolize that this love will never be unlocked.  

Thinking about Anderson and his love made me think back to my beginnings.  Sometimes I feel like I never truly "lived" until he came into my life so I count my time with him as the beginning of my true life.  In small groups, our ice breaker question was "who has influenced you the most in your spiritual life?" and the first answer I thought of was Anderson.  And then I thought about all the lessons I've learned after him... from people or situations caused by people who have caused me pain and suffering or heartache.  It is in those situations where I'm desperate and pleading and yearning for relief... that I have seen and experienced the power of God.  

Something I read while I was in Europe has been stuck in my mind since then...

Only when we enter our wound will we discover our true glory. As Robert Bly says, "Where a man's wound is, that is where his genius will be." There are two reasons for this. First, the wound was given in the place of your true strength, as an effort to take you out. Until you go there you are still posing, offering something more shallow and insubstantial. And therefore, second, it is out of your brokenness that you discover what you have to offer the community. The false self is never wholly false. Those gifts we've been using are often quite true about us, but we've used them to hide behind. We thought that the power of our life was in the golden bat, but the power is in us. When we begin to offer not merely our gifts but our true selves, that is when we become powerful.

"Where a man's wound is, that is where his genius will be."  My genius lies in my insecurities and fears of inadequacy and dread of loneliness?!?!? It may drive me to achieve more and to reach out and hold on to relationships more deeply and more relentlessly. In my search for deep connections with ppl, many meaningful friendships are forged. Out of the brokenness of my pain and heartache, compassion and empathy spring forth. Maybe it's not totally that God redeems my worst faults and flaws... He does do that... but maybe it's that this was part of His plan to begin with. I didn't mess myself up totally and God isn't all about cleaning up impossible messes as He is about unveiling the genius that He already created. 

So, I wrote the above paragraphs two weeks ago and I hadn't gotten around to finishing this blog post.  I haven't exactly taken the time to really flesh out how I've been feeling, but I can say that in the past few weeks, I've been reminded just how loved and blessed I am through so many people pouring into me and reminding me that they support me and care for me.  

I feel like where I am in life... I've gone far in so many areas... but in my career, I'm still a newbie.  I eagerly await the moment where I feel comfortable in this new role... where I can boldly and confidently bless my patients and praise the Lord for placing me in exactly this place at exactly this time in order to care for precisely this patient... which made all of this worth it.  I have moments like this all the time when it comes to my friends... and I'm hoping that I will start to have moments like that when it comes to my patients and my new work environment.  

I start work on Tuesday and I'm not excited... I'm scared.  I'm being flooded by feelings of inadequacy and fear that I will not be good at this job.  There is a heavy weight of responsibility that I know will be laid on me and I hope that I will be able to shoulder it and be a nurse practitioner of excellence.  I dread the growing pains I will inevitably go through as I transition into this new chapter of my life... but the God who has never failed (me or anyone else) in the past, will not start failing me now.  He has empowered me and strengthened me to accomplish things I never could have imagined and I'm not done living/growing/breathing yet.  It will be an amazing adventure.  

Maybe I'll have more thoughts tomorrow but for tonight... I just want to press "publish" so I'll have at least one post for August 2014.  

Bracing myself for the brand new ride...
Tiff

Through my eyes

I'm a bit behind on blogging.  I try to blog whenever I hit a personal milestone and I've hit two since my last post.  I passed my national board certification exam and I had my first nurse practitioner interview.  :)

All things are seemingly lovely... except... that I've been feeling a little bit... misunderstood.  

I didn't feel like I was a real nurse practitioner when I graduated.  I didn't feel like a doctor when my degree was conferred or after I walked at graduation with that big fat heavy gown in the blazing heat.  I thought that even though I graduated and got through schooling... that affirmation from my board examinations would help me feel legit... but it didn't.  How I felt was that I learned how to pass the test really well... but what happens when I don't have multiple choice answers in front of me?  Will I be able to know the answer on my own?  People tell me I'll be fine.  But when will I FEEL fine?  

Applying for NP jobs... I dragged my heels.  I technically could have started applying much sooner than I did.  I delayed for weeks.  No one seems to think that I'll have any problems finding jobs... except me.  

I went to a PIYO class today and there was a move called "the bowler".  It reminded me of Anderson.  Five years ago today, he went to be with the Lord.  I really wanted to find a video I took of him bowling.  I still haven't been able to find it but I did come across this video of a personality box I made.  

Because I took humanities and social science core in college, when I went to apply to nursing school, they didn't recognize my "communications" course which was supposedly mashed up into one of the core courses so I had to retake Communication 101... as a 25 year old.  I had a lot of fun in that class.  Even though I'm not a good public speaker, I was WAY better than the other 18 year olds in my class.  For our final project we had to make a personality box.  The box was supposed to be a representation of me... to infuse as much of my personality into it as possible.  The outside of the box was supposed to be how other people see me.  The inside of the box was supposed to be how I see myself.  I kind of exaggerated a little bit just for... a better effect.  I also kinda just used whatever magazines I found lying around.  I remember at the time, I felt like I was exaggerating but now that I look at it 7 years later... I don't think much has changed.  

Yes, it's a giant Chinese take out box.  With a target ribbon handle.  I worked really hard on this box.  I ended up giving it to my professor.  She wanted it really badly as an example for her next classes.  I think I must have taken this video to show Anderson my project.  I took a lot of pictures and videos for him since we did long distance for so long.

I've been feeling very reminiscent lately.  Maybe because I've met quite a few new friends and when that happens I tend to retell my life story and it forces me to remember.  Yesterday, I was thumbing through my journal and looking back at the things I thought important enough to write down... the things I underlined... sometimes starred or boxed...

The first page of this journal... I wrote this entry:

Last night I cried watching Hope Springs. It was about a broken marriage. I feel for the sad woman... wanting the love of a man who won't give it to her.  I realized that I'm so sensitive to broken relationships because I'm struggling with contentment with my singleness.
Sometimes I wonder... what's wrong with me?
What am I doing wrong?
The answer is... nothing.
God would not withhold good things from His children unless it's exactly what I need right now.  God brings extraordinary kindness to me in the other areas of my life to remind me how much He loves me and that He remembers me.  

He hears the cries of my heart and while one piece may seem "missing" other pieces are extraordinarily strengthened.

For example... the beautiful, strong, godly women God has put into my life.

And I keep meeting more and more.

Some friends only intersect with me for a season.  Sometimes it's just once or twice.  It's so precious when I have friends who journey alongside me for the long run.  I have so many "favorite" stories about my "favorite" friends... I could probably spend days telling all of their stories.

My life is, and has been, pretty darn amazing.  My journey to get me where I am right now... is nothing short of a miracle and an act of grace.  I've come so far... and yet... I somehow find it easy to forget.

For example, my first NP interview... happened because my Bible reading accountability partner of 6 years... was looking out for me and told me of a job opportunity.  The fact that she looked out for me was a blessing in and of itself.  The process of applying for jobs has been slightly tedious.  I had to edit my cover letter... update my resume... and typing or copying and pasting the same information over and over again was getting quite tiring.  It's also a little bit tiring applying for jobs I don't feel I'm qualified for.  It takes a lot of energy for me to do something that I'm not sure I'll be successful in.  I usually only agree to doing things that I'm fairly certain I'll succeed at.  Or... I agree to something not knowing what I'm getting myself into and don't know enough to stop myself from doing it.

This job posting on the website... had absolutely zero information about what kind of NP job this was.  The only thing posted on the website was the job title.  So I applied and I also emailed my resume and an absolutely generic cover letter to the email address my friend sent me.  And I was running late to meet up with a friend so I closed everything and decided I was done with applications for that day.

15-20 minutes later, I was driving to the restaurant, I got a call from an unknown number, which I didn't pick up because I was... well... driving.  Once I parked, I checked my voicemail and sure enough, it was the NP I had emailed asking if I could come for an interview tomorrow at 1pm.  It was probably about 7pm.  My first thought was... "wow that was fast".  My next thought was, "might as well".

I was nervous for this interview.  I asked for prayer from quite a few people.  I tried on a couple of outfits.  I haven't been on that many interviews in my lifetime.  I don't think I'm good at it either.

The interview started out with the usual questions... what are your strengths... what are your weaknesses... and then when she asked me why I thought I'd be a good candidate for this position... I had to be honest and tell her that I didn't exactly know what position I was applying for.  They laughed and proceeded to explain the position they were interviewing for.

This interview went for an hour and 45 minutes.  Mostly because we were waiting for one of the surgeons to be tracked down to join us.  By the time we found him, he spent maybe 5 minutes asking me some simple questions and then it was done.  Just prior to finding the surgeon, I asked the NP interviewing me how long they had been looking for someone for this position.  She said that they had interviewed quite a few people but that none of them had the background they were looking for.

She said that they were looking for someone who had some floor experience, specifically ICU experience and she said that it was really rare for someone to have not only ICU experience but cardiac surgery experience.  She asked me how I ended up in the cardiac ICU and I told them the story.  It wasn't so much that I was singularly driven and focused towards that unit.  I moved there because of life situations and circumstances... and at the point in my life where I found that I couldn't handle full time night shift, part time school and spending 2 days a week also training for ICU... God provided a way for me to move to part time day shift in the cardiac ICU.

I didn't interview perfectly.  There were definitely things I wish I hadn't said and things I wish I'd said.  There were a few things I should have known that I didn't.  I won't blame them if they still don't think that I'm the right person for the job.

I left that interview feeling blessed.  I felt like I was true to myself and I spoke honestly about who I am and how I got here.  I offered myself just as I am.  I'm not sure what else I could have done.  And also, from how quickly God provided this interview opportunity and also the realization that even though I'm a brand new NP with absolutely no NP experience... that the choices I've made in the past... even though I didn't know what I was doing when I was making them... that they eventually did turn out to be good decisions.  I couldn't see the big picture, but I made the best choices with what I had to handle at the time and it all turned out really well for me.  I can say with absolute confidence that God knew what He was doing all I really had to do was trust Him and walk the path He put in front of me.

If God wants something to happen... it will happen.  Until then... I wait.  And I make the most of the season of waiting.

Sometimes I feel like my life is like Forrest Gump's.  A lot of my "success" happened by fortunate "happenchance" from my perspective.  Other people might look at me and see something great... whereas I see myself as a really simple person.  Someone on the outside might see his wealth, or ping pong achievements, his all-American football star status... but those who know him would know that all he truly cared about was his mom and Jenny.  The other stuff just happened along the way.

I don't consider myself an ambitious person.  I really see my career as a nurse as... the stuff that happened along the way.  It's important but in the grand scheme of my life... I don't want it on my tombstone that my occupation defined who I was or dictated how I lived my life.  I think that all my life I've been looking for love... for wholeness... for the person or thing that would complete me.  I want it known of me that my life was characterized by and defined by who and how I loved.

I'm not really sure how I want to end this post.  If I read this again at a later time... I want to remind myself how I feel at this very moment.  I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.  I feel inadequate and unworthy.  I feel very unprepared and with a sense of failure impending.  But I do also feel that God has taken care of me in the past and He will not fail now.  I see His handiwork and His fingerprints on every transition in my life, whether big or small.  Even though other people may see someone who's got so much going for her... I know the truth... that my life is just as delicate as that cardboard Chinese take out box that I made.  Remove two pins and the whole thing flops open.  I'm delicate and I bruise easily.  Whatever strength you see in me is a direct reflection from God because I know how weak I am.  It's a good place to be.  When I am weak, His strength can be seen most powerfully.

I'm sure I'll keep you guys posted on my job search status.  More applications.  Hopefully more interviews.

much love,
Tiff

P.S. I found the video of Anderson bowling.

Primitive

So... it happened.  I slept in a tent by myself for the first time in my life.

Is this little tent a child's size tent?  It felt like my head and my feet were hitting the walls of the tent.  I think that might have been why my head got really cold in the early mornings...

Anyway!  I went camping with a bunch of girls I'd never met before because I was their retreat speaker!  

I don't usually drive very far from home.  The furthest I've ever driven by myself was Bakersfield and I thought that was crazy far and didn't want to do that ever again.  I'd driven once to Santa Barbara and I also thought it was crazy far and didn't want to do that ever again.  So this drive to Ojai... I was dreading... I kept making excuses to stop... at Costco... at Trader Joe's... at Target... I was dragging my heels and battling to get myself to the retreat.  I was also afraid of not having running water... and having to pee/poo in a hole.  I almost cried at Target... during my "last time using a real flushing toilet..." and yes I realized that it would only be for like 2 days but I'm dramatic and I was stressed.  

I hadn't been camping in over a decade and the last site I went camping at had running water, sinks and toilets.  The most "natural" I get is going to the park lately or going hiking for a couple hours.  It's urban nature.  Cultivated nature.  With cell phone signal.  

The last time we had a hiking incident, our two hour hike ended up being 8 hours, we ran out of water... I almost passed out twice... someone broke her ankle... and we only found out we were completely lost when we regained cell phone signal and discovered we missed a turn... 2 hours and I don't know how many miles ago.  I was dying and crying inside.  

So this past weekend... there was a moment... 10 minutes after I lost signal as I was driving to the retreat site... when I couldn't find the site and I wondered... what did I get myself into... and why am I doing this?!?  I'd been driving for 3 hours already and I wondered... what if I can't find them... and they have no signal... should I just go home?  I drove back to where there was signal and just sat in my car for a little bit.  Pondering what I should do.  What if... what if... hm.  So then I checked the Facebook site to see if there were any extra instructions posted and sure enough... there were driving directions that I'd somehow ignored... and I was able to find the site just fine.  Boo on GPS and on Apple maps for saying I had arrived a mile before the actual campsite.  

As I pulled up to our site, a bunch of the girls came running up to my car and they were waving and jumping and introducing themselves to me with such excitement that any fear I had going into this retreat had begun to melt away.  I wish that I could say that I could have handled speaking at this retreat even if they were a tough crowd but I don't know if I could have.  I'm thankful that even though there was the added stress of camping... that the dynamics of the group were not an issue.  They are the loveliest group of women and I was so blessed to have had the privilege to spend time with them.  They warm my heart.  

I was so blessed that they accepted me for who I was... and also for the fact that I wore the shorts I intended to wear as pajamas... for the majority of the weekend.

This is quite possibly the most chillaxed speaking engagement I've ever had.

The theme was Choosing Jesus Daily.  As much as they may have needed a woman to fill the role of retreat speaker for last weekend, I felt like I needed this retreat and it came at a good time for me.  I've had a pretty eventful month or past few months.  I'm studying for my certification exam.  I've been pretty emotional and stressed.  I really enjoyed being away from my norm.  No internet.  No phone.  No worries... Nowhere to be except in the tent, in the chair or walking to the "toilet".  No responsibility... ok well... except for giving the 3 messages.

As I was prepping for this retreat... I realized... how horrible I am at public speaking and preparing for it.  I didn't even know how to start or where to begin.  I had outlined my messages when I first agreed to speak but somehow filling in the meat on those barebones... was extremely difficult.  I remembered the last time I was preparing for the women's tea and I had a meltdown as I tried to push myself to prepare and stressed myself out in the process.  I didn't want to push it to that place again.  I wanted to start at a place where I admitted my inadequacy and weakness and allowed the Holy Spirit to move and flow through me...

aaaand not much was happening so it ended up being last minute again.  Extremely last minute.  I may have pushed the limits of God's grace this time.  I thank God it wasn't a complete and total failure.  These last two times I've done speaking things... I've really felt ... not on top of things.  I've felt like I was so emotional it was difficult to find clarity.  Difficult to find words.  Difficult to bring together ideas.  Maybe it's just been a stressful year.

Pretty much all I did was string together a bunch of my life stories with some connecting points in between.  I felt like I didn't have much to bring other than my stories.  In exchange for the stories though... I felt like I gained a whole lot more than I gave.

There were moments when all of the girls were caught up in talking about school life or people I knew nothing about.  I sat there on the side... observing... and what I saw was beauty.  Raw beauty.  "Primitive" beauty... as they would call it.  It was our #primitive weekend.  I saw delight in their eyes as they came together and enjoyed each other.  I saw youth.  I saw energy.  I saw so much life.  I listened as they talked about their futures... about what was on their minds and hearts.  I witnessed so much grace extended to one another.  We encountered some issues that weekend... with being so limited in water, utensils... resources... and the girls just went with the flow.  There were bug bites and no hydrocortisone cream.  They'd planned their food around having a stove and there was none.  We had no ladles, no stirring spoons... there was one spatula and that one spatula did everything.  We had cups that became ladles... sticks that became firewood... we made do with what little we had... and watching them problem solve and get creative with their resources... was beautiful to behold.

Listening to them share with each other and also with me... watching them connect with one another and get so enraptured in conversation with each other... was also beautiful for me to witness.  I felt like an honored guest at times... but more often than not... I felt like a servant who was privileged to join the meal times and conversation at the "big house".  They opened up and shared so much of their lives with each other and also with me.  They were considerate to me as an outsider and tried as much as they could to explain things and give me the background I needed to understand what they were talking about.  They threw encouragements at each other like water balloons and giggled with just as much delight when they exploded on someone.

Even more amazing was listening to them share about God and how much they wanted to get right with Him and live for Him.  I was so encouraged by the questions they asked... which told me that they were searching for Him... searching for truth... searching for wisdom.  And those who search and ask... will find and be answered.

There were so many moments where I was moved to tears... while singing worship songs with these women... listening to them share... or sharing my own stories... I felt myself reliving moments which were precious to me as moments in their lives echoed my own... they sang songs which brought back memories of beautiful moments in my life... or even the lyrics which resonated with what I was feeling at the moment.  There were so many moments when I just closed my eyes and let myself take in my surroundings... and just revel in the amazement that I was there... in that very moment... with a bunch of "strangers" but enjoying fellowship and unity in the Spirit... and I knew that God was there.  Stuff like this doesn't happen by chance.  Love like this doesn't happen haphazardly.  These girls love God and love one another and it showed.  And I loved being there to witness it and take part in it... in my own small way.

It was a weekend of being primitive... but it was a weekend of spiritual and emotional refreshment for me.  It was one of those things where I was so fearful to do it... but I still wanted to say to God, "here I am, send me"... and He blessed me so much considering the meager offering I so fearfully brought before Him.  Those lovely girls let me come just as I was... share from my heart... and I felt... pretty free to just be me.  Unashamed and unafraid to be who God made me to be.  And all "natural" smelling too.

For two nights, I'd look up at the dark, dark sky and marvel at how many more stars I could see there.  It's amazing how dots of light against a pitch black backdrop could be so beautiful... but it was.  It was one of those moments where time would slow and maybe just stop... as I tried as hard as I could to soak in as much beauty as I could.  Those starry nights... made it well worth it.

You know what else was well worth it?  That shower I took when I got back... and the sleep I was able to have in my own bed last night.  I slept through the entire night without being woke up every few hours by ... something unpleasant.

I was thankful to be there... but I'm also SUPER thankful to be home.

much love,
Tiff

crossroads

I have my nursing school pinning tomorrow and I walk at commencement on Sunday.  This is a big deal... but then again it isn't.  I defended my dissertation-thing-a-ma-bob in March so I've been graduated since March.  I finished my coursework in December so I haven't been in "class" this year. Putting on that big fluffy gown and weird-looking hat is kind of just a formality... but it does provide a visual marker for this particular milestone in my life.  So what have I been doing since becoming Dr. Chen? I've been trying to prepare to take my NP certification exam and working as a RN in the meantime.

So what's next for me?  Pass my exam.  It's hard enough for me to buckle down and study.  I still have a job.  I'll keep working as a RN until I find a NP job.  Depending where I find work, I may move.  Depending on how far I move, I might have to make a whole lot of other changes as well.  This is only the beginning of some of the hardest adjustments I'll need to make in the past few years.  If I had meltdowns when I started clinicals... I can only anticipate the kind of meltdowns I'll have when I start training for real.  I originally entitled this post... "the worst is yet to come".

This blog post has been baking in my mind for a while and I was going to entitle this entry, "the road (bike) called life".  I'll still write about it.  Maybe I'll change the title by the time I get to the end of this.  I think I should warn you now that this is not going to be a pleasant post.  It's probably going to be long and rambly and depressingly sad.  I'm doing this more for my mental and emotional health than anything else.  

I recently went on a 35 mile bike ride.  I don't know if it sounds like a lot of miles to you but it was a lot of miles for me.  This was the second time I've done a ride of this length.  It did not get any easier this time.  I did start the ride with other people but most of the ride, I spent by myself... thinking... trying not to die... trying not to fall over... and I started to see this bike trip as a metaphor for my life.  

The last time I rode with someone... he looked at the equipment I was using and told me, "you don't know how good you have it"... and it did make me think... about how blessed I am to be able to benefit from friends who buy too much stuff... and from people who give me things... like sports equipment.  It also made me think about my education and the tools I have in order to do my job... and not everyone is blessed to have been practically handed multiple advanced degrees... or to have the time and perseverance to complete them.  I am definitely very, very blessed to be in the field I'm in and to have had it handed to me so easily.  

This being said... while I was fairly confident that I could handle RN work... I am really not confident that I will be able to handle NP work.  Studying for my exams has shown me just how much I don't know and just how much background information I need in order to make a good, safe decision... and I feel more and more incompetent as the days go by.  I wonder to myself if stepping into this career change was the right decision for me.  My Myers-Briggs personality profile for the ENFJ actually says that high stress, highly demanding careers are not a good match for personalities like mine.  It's not saying it cannot be done.  It's just... a difficult pairing.  There is a part of me that is high achieving.  There's also another part of me that knows that I can get through school easily because I know how to do it... but it doesn't mean that I'm great at it.  Once, in high school... we were doing a badminton tournament or maybe it was just a regular season game... and they needed to fill a singles #2 spot.  I was a doubles player.  I'd only ever played doubles.  The coach made me play the current singles #2 player in practice to see if I could beat her and thus have a better chance of winning games when it counted.  I knew that she was a better all around player than me and I knew she was a better singles player.  What I also knew was her weakness and I exploited her weakness in order to win that game.  I felt really bad doing it.  I really think that she should have played in the singles spot but because I could beat her, I did... so I played and I lost those two games.  And there went my brief stint in singles.  I feel like this is going to repeat itself... that I can get through school because I'm good at school but when it comes to real life... I'm going to fail.  I will be found out for the fraud that I am.  Good on paper.  Incompetent in real life.  Unless I can pass boards.  That might be my one small encouragement that will let me know that I'm OK... that according to a national certifying organization... I am at least on par with others in my field.  And I'm really kind of scared that I'll fail.  If I fail, I'll just take it again.  After crying and probably having a meltdown.  

So there are certain things that you can do or add to your bike to help your ride.  Having more gears helps.  Having cleats (or as I like to call them... the clicky shoes) helps.  Having jelly shorts helps too.  I don't know the real name for them.  It's the shorts with the jelly pad on the butt.  You can get fitted to the bike.  That totally helps.  But in the end... it's MY legs, MY arms, My heart, MY lungs that will be doing the work.  No amount of equipment in the world will help if I am not physically able to complete the task.  And while I did survive the bike ride... I'm less sure I'll survive this transition.  

And I rode most of this ride alone.  I told myself that I was just going to go at my own pace and not care... but a part of me didn't like being so alone.  If something happened to me... no one would have known for a while.  If I needed help... there would be no one.  And I didn't carry my phone with me... which added an additional level of anxiety onto the ride... because of the big "what ifs"... and my lack of access to communication... and also... to my food.  What if I start to pass our from exhaustion?  I had no food.  I had no phone.  While my friends did give me the assurance that it would be OK... I really didn't feel like it would.  I didn't have their confidence.  And I knew they would leave me behind.  

They did wait for me here and there.  We'd meet up every once in a while... and then they would pull away again... and I would feel the abandonment all over again.  And I also realized that this is what happens in real life.  Friends and people come and go... we intersect for a while and then we part.  It is extremely rare to be with people who are going at exactly the same pace as me or who care to slow down to keep me company or make sure I'm OK.  I think my solution for this is to have a whole lot of friends... that way all the big gaps in between intersections doesn't feel so big when I have quantity on my side.  

I didn't mean for this post to be so depressing.  I almost feel bad for anyone attempting to read this.  

For most of my bike ride... I was tempted to keep my eyes on the ground directly in front of me.  It looks like I'm moving really fast when my eyes are fixed on the front wheel... but when I lift my eyes and look ahead... the great big distance that I still have to go... seems daunting and it feels like I'm going so slowly.  I want to be done.  I want to be "home" already.  My legs are burning.  My butt is hurting.  My back is hurting.  My neck is tired.  I don't know how I'm still able to move on... but somehow... I am.  I'm not sure if it helps to keep my eyes close to the path directly in front of me or to keep my eyes looking further down the road.  Maybe a combination of the two is safest.  

I read this today from a blog entry on someone else's facebook... 

This painful wilderness lasted for approximately forever.  - from here

And that's exactly how it felt.  It's how it feels.  Being alone.  

I'm a bit of a mess right now. And as God would time it... I'm supposed to speak at a women's retreat next weekend.  I hate being last minute but... it looks like it's come down to that.  I also realized that I really don't know how to prepare for public speaking things.  Speak from what I know... yes.  Rehearse... yes... if I have time to.  Pray and set things up for the Holy Spirit to speak and move within me and through me... and get rid of as many distractions as possible... and also realize that the evil one is hard at work to crush my spirit and hinder the work I know God wants to do through me.  

I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. (Psalm 77:11, 12 ESV)

During my rough times... God has certain ways in which He works which help get me through.  (1) He usually has me meet someone new... and while I initially dread having to tell my story again... it usually ends up amazing myself all over again as I recall all the amazing things He's done in my life to get me where I am today.  I'll be meeting a whole bunch of new people at the retreat.  (2) I get hyper emotional.  When I get hyper emotional, I'll do a few things... I'll retreat back into safe places... I'll only reach out to people with whom I feel safe to reach out to... and I'll do more reading.  I'll fall back on schedules and routines.  I'll make sure I've done my Bible reading for the day.  Sometimes I'll go back and read letters or cards that people have sent me in the past.  Sometimes I'll just watch pointless TV.  Sometimes I'll watch a favorite movie... repeatedly.  Sometimes I'll watch my wedding video.  Sometimes I'll watch my Upper Room video.  Sometimes I'll read my own blog.  Reading my own blog is a little bit crazy for me.  It's kinda like rediscovering clothes that I'd bought a long time ago and marveling that they still fit and at how much I like my own taste.  (3) God sends random people to encourage me.  

There are moments where it feels like I'm just about to drown... and sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in my own tears.  

I'm thinking back and I really haven't FELT extremely "good" in a long time.  There have been good moments but they were fleeting.  The past few months... or maybe even close to a year... have been mostly extremely emotionally difficult for me.  I can't even explain a lot of it.  Yes, there have been reasons why I'm struggling... and sometimes it has nothing to do with me... sometimes I'm crying in my own bed about other people's lives and wondering why it seems like I'm crying about someone else's life when they might not be crying about their own life.  And then I'm also crying about my own life... about my loneliness... about my insecurities... sigh.  I've been poopy.  I've been poopy for a long time.  

There are a few things that have been getting me through this strange, poopy period of my life.  I remember reading a story about three women...

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? . . . I will yet praise him” (Ps. 43:5).Yes, praise Him even for His silence. Let me relate a beautiful old story of how one Christian dreamed she saw three other women in prayer. 

When they knelt the Master drew near to them. As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace. He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music. Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval. He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance. 

The woman having the dream said to herself,“How greatly He must love the first woman. The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first. But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look.” 

She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently. As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, He Himself came and stood beside her. He said to her,“O woman! How wrongly you have interpreted Me! The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way. She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure. 

“The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do.Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service. 

“She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter. She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity,and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later. 

“My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, it is silent for your sakes—that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external.” 

He “will do wonders never before done” (Ex. 34:10) if you will learn the mystery of His silence and praise Him every time He withdraws His gifts from you. Through this you will better know and love the Giver. selected.  Streams in the Desert.  February 9.

I also read stuff in letter 8 of Screwtape Letters that encouraged me similarly.  

Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else.  ...  He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself-creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His.  We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons.  We want to suck in, He wants to give out.  We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. ... Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless.  He cannot ravish.  He can only woo. ... He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives.  He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. ... He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.  

Today's Bible reading... was on how Reuben and Gad wanted to settle on the wrong side of the Jordan river.  

And they said, “If we have found favor in your sight, let this land be given to your servants for a possession. Do not take us across the Jordan.” (Numbers 32:5 ESV)

I'm reminded of a lesson I learned from this chapter a few years ago. At that time, I told myself, "don't settle on the wrong side of the Jordan". What this means to me is that if God promised me land on the other side of the Jordan...don't settle for the "easy" land right where I am...just prior to crossing... just because it looks good to my eyes and there's no fight to obtain it. It's not a bad thing to see something good and to take it but if I am just shy of my promised land...why would I compromise my faith in the promises of the God who rescued me from Egypt, claimed me as His, brought me through the wilderness and led me right up to the Jordan river...while I'm preparing to cross it? There's a reason that the land God promised is on the other side of the Jordan. There's a reason that this land had to be fought for and that the current inhabitants had to be driven out... And it's a faith thing. The inheritance then was as big as their faith.

It's tempting... To stand at the bank of the Jordan... to look around and see how "good" I have it on this side... and just decide to plop myself down right here.  I know this isn't quite the same... God never promised that I'd do well in whatever I set out to do... this isn't my promised land.  It feels like it sometimes but... it might not be.  I'm not guaranteed to do well as a NP just because I've finished the schooling for it... it's the battle to claiming competency and conquering ignorance through practice and studying and more learning... that I'm dreading.  I'm dreading the failure.  I'm dreading the mistakes.  I'm dreading the sinking feeling I'll undoubtedly get when I FEEL the disappointment of being too slow, not knowing enough... not remembering enough... but I do owe it to myself to try.  I'll never know unless I do it.  I might look around right now and mourn this reality... mourn this life I've built for myself... but I can always come back here.  If I fail as a NP, I can always still work as a RN.  If I succeed as a NP, I can always still work as a RN.  I won't know if I'll pass my exam until I take it and see.  I won't truly know how much of my worth I place in my accomplishments unless I fail either.  

I'm tired.  I'm so tired but I'm still trying.  I'm not a quitter.  Unless... it's time to quit and then I'll do it.  

I don't know how to end this.  How bouts I just... stop typing.  

love,

Tiff