Haven't had many big thoughts in the past few days... just lots of little ones.
A few words have stuck in my mind lately.
1. Evaluation. def. (Merriam-Webster): the act of determining the significance, worth or condition of usually by careful appraisal or study.
I think I've always been a fan of evaluation. You really can't improve until you've evaluated. You don't know your starting point until your baseline's been evaluated. Google forms has been an awesome evaluation tool... time stamped and everything. I feel like I spend a lot of time in evaluation nowadays... evaluation of life, purpose, priorities, reactions, emotions... where my heart is or where I think it is at the moment. I learn a lot from my reactions to things. Talk is cheap, but when I look at knee-jerk reactions, it really reveals what's important in my heart... and usually, it's not very worthwhile or honorable. But honest evaluation yields the best diagnosis and the best course of action. Beginning to realize my starting point of shame and humility for the utter depravity of my sin nature is probably the best medium for which God can begin to do His work in me.
2. Pervasive. def: diffused through every part of
Someone made a comment to me a week or so ago... how they were sad that things I run into nowadays still trigger memories and hopes about Anderson. That thought made me evaluate it and myself. I like interacting with people for this very reason... it spurs evaluation. It deepens my understanding of myself and of others. Going back to the comment... is it really sad? I don't think so but maybe that's just me. And as far as "still"... I don't know if I will ever escape from the memories or things that will trigger them. I think they will always be there. Anderson was not just a component of my life... we were one. He wasn't just a stage of life that I just pass through and graduate from... He was as much a part of me as I was him. It's a strange phenomenon... the oneness that occurs between a husband and a wife. He is a part of me and he always will be. And I never want to forget it.
3. Remarkable. def: worthy of being or likely to be noticed especially as being uncommon or extraordinary
I've been caring for more cancer patients lately, which means I'm exposed to a broader spectrum of people and how they cope with their disease and their lives. I wish I had more time to sit and talk with them. There are people who remain pleasant, there are people who seem to give up hope. I guess... when I was in that situation, it was the obvious and easy choice for me... to stay by his side, to love with all I had to love, to give up every part of me for him. I'm starting to see that it's not that easy for some other people. Dealing with catastrophic loss and premature separation... are the types of things that either make or break people... and I think mostly it tends to break people. I guess I'm really appreciating how remarkable Anderson truly was in his fight... in his life. He tried his all to live... to live for me, for his family... he sacrificed a lot and he went all out. I married a truly remarkable man. I am honored to have been his other half... in fact, he probably more than upgraded me by inviting me into his life. My life is better now because of him and because of God. Submission to both of them have made my life remarkable simply by being who they are.
4. Bittersweet. Def: something that is bittersweet (I hate it when they use the word in the definition... I don't know how anyone would think that it would be remotely enlightening to define the word by repeating the word); especially : pleasure alloyed with pain
Is there something about suffering that produces godly character? I always wonder if there are people out there who don't have to learn the hard way. In fact, I have great respect for people who can learn a lesson simply on the theoretical principle of it... without learning through the negative feedback of experience. Is suffering necessary? I don't know if it's necessary but I think everyone undergoes suffering in their life; whether it be suffering through a bad hair day or suffering through the loss of a loved one. I guess there are always choices you can make... you can choose to complain about it... you can choose to accept it... I'm sure there are many other choices I could possibly make, but I haven't really thought it through completely. Somehow, I usually can narrow things down to 2 choices and it's usually comes between choosing what I desire and choosing what God desires. How did this come from the word, "bittersweet"? Hm. I don't remember what I wanted to write when I started this paragraph. The greatest pain of my life has brought about the greatest pleasure as well... and the extent and magnitude of the pleasure far outweighs the pain. So I guess... the bitterness enhances the sweetness. The bitterness that comes before, ends in the a sweetness that is so much more appreciated. Bitterness on its own is not well-tolerated... sometimes the sweetness helps get through the bitterness.
Hm. OK. Just random vague thoughts for today.
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