This week has been exceptionally draining... physically and emotionally... but I really kind of like it. I like the feeling of deep-seated, complex emotions bounding out from the whirpooling depths of my heart. It's a little bit inconvenient to cry so much, especially with eyeliner that gets all over the place, but like I always say... I know it's a good day when there's crying involved... and I had oh so many good days this week.
I haven't slept much the past few days. I worked last weekend and had a pretty busy week. I'd wanted to write a few times but I was just so tired, I could barely hold a thought in my head before it flitted out and disappeared.
I've cried a lot this past week. More than average, even for me. I think I was telling someone that I pretty much cry every few days and that was normal. I think I've cried every single day this week starting from Monday and they weren't little ones either. Half the time they were big sob-fests. Maybe I should just go back and explain a little bit about why.
I've been doing pretty well lately. Work's been getting better and over the weekend, I finally remembered... only once tho... to say goodbye to my patients before I left work. It's one of those things that I always wanted to do but only remember after I've already left. I think it's just the excitement of being done with work, clocking out, and herding to the parking lot that gives me that momentary amnesia. Sunday morning, I actually remembered to do a final round and say bye. Mostly, I think my patients were asleep, but one of them wasn't. She was actually the most high maintenance patient I had that night, but I didn't really mind. Since I was in there so much, I got a chance to talk to her here and there... which is also something that happens only on rare occasions but that I wished happened more often. So I said bye and hoped that she'd have a good day. And then I went home. When I came back that night and went in to introduce myself again, she said something along the lines of "oh thank god you're back... I had the most horrible day and it's such a relief to see you again. I almost wasn't going to make it through the day but then I remembered that you'd be back again tonight and it got me through. You guys are so nice and you have bedside manner and you care enough to say goodbye before you leave..." and she went on and on but I was so surprised that just one little act made such an impact on her. And I'm glad that the one day I actually remembered to say bye... was the one day that someone really needed to hear it.
Side note: if you feel an inkling or an urge to do something, however small, for someone else... just stop (if you can) and do it really quickly. You never know how much of an impact that one little thing can have on that person and you'll never have more motivation to do it as when you first feel the impulse. I call that being efficient with my thoughtfulness. I hope I remember to say bye more often.
OK so back to my emotional week. I woke up Monday and went to put on my rings. I don't wear my rings to the hospital because I wash my hands so often and I've heard horror stories about people losing their diamonds when they remove their gloves... just didn't want that to happen to me. I put my rings on and noticed that one of my little side diamonds (not the big one) had fallen out. I was a little bit sad, but I figured... oh well... I guess maybe it's time to stop wearing it. I'd have to stop someday... why not today? So I put it back in the box. That night when I went to bed... I told Anderson about the ring. I haven't spoken outloud to him in a VERY long time. I cried. I cried pretty hard. I cried hard enough that I knew I'd have puffy eyes when I woke up the next day. I heard him tell me that it's just a ring... and that he'd get me a new one if I wanted (he always said that during the 6 months we were engaged... what a weirdo since it took him 5 years to actually get me this one)... and that those things don't matter that much. It's just a thing. I think it's a little bit funny how I can still have conversations with him sometimes. Maybe it's because I knew him so well... that my heart almost knew what he was going to say before he said it. That happens sometimes... but not others... but this time he was right. And he was always oh so practical. It IS just an object. So very true. So I let it go.
The following day, I logged on to facebook and saw that my relationship status had changed. It still said that I was married but it no longer said "married to Anderson Chen"... just "married". I had been toying with the idea of changing my relationship status for a while now but every time I tried and got to the point where fb would tell me that my relationship would be cancelled if I saved my changes... I couldn't bring myself to do it. How can I cancel my relationship? Cancel it like it never existed? Cancel it like a mistake I made? I wasn't ready every time I tried, but now that his name was gone from under my status... I didn't really see much point to having it there anymore. But I decided to wait a day... maybe fb would fix itself and his name would be there again tomorrow. But it didn't fix itself. It bothered me. It irked me all day long. Such a small, small thing... a fb relationship status... well, that and the ring... I even asked someone if I was being crazy, irrational and hyper-emotional about those two things... and she said no. Another person also told me that those sounded like justifiable reasons to be sad. So I just let myself be sad about it. And I'd resolved to finally cancel my relationship status. But later. Later on that day.
So it's Wednesday at this point... I had a really hard time sleeping and waking up for BSF but I got myself there... all groggy and everything. Came home and tried to work on homework but since I hadn't gotten much sleep, I couldn't focus enough to work on my debate. I made flowers instead. Anyway. That night I was meeting up with my friend for dinner and then going to the memorial service for my other friend who passed away in the car accident a few weeks ago. I knew this friend from grad school... and some of my cohort hadn't heard that Anderson had passed away. Normally, I don't really mind telling people but that particular day, every time I said it was like a little jab at my heart. Not a big jab... maybe like a little toothpick prick. So I went home and just decided to change my relationship status.
I hesitated. I went to the dropdown and chose "widowed" and when it came to the part about canceling my relationship... I paused. This is it. Canceled. I hadn't cried any big tears that day. I was feeling pretty good about that. After I clicked save and canceled my relationship tho... immediately the floodgates opened with a vengeance. And 10 seconds after I started bawling, my phone starts ringing. If it were anyone other than this one person, I might not have picked up but I did for her. And I just cried. God has perfect timing. He knew precisely what I needed and who I needed it from and I didn't even have to ask her for it. He sees and He hears and somehow put it in my friend's mind to call me at that particular moment... to care for me... to listen and to pray for me at the precise moment that I needed it the most. How can I ever doubt God's love and care for me? I really really can't.
I had to be at the hospital really early on Thursday so I tried to get to bed, but I just couldn't stay asleep. I slept a total of 5 non-consecutive hours on Wednesday night/Thursday morning and dragged myself to the hospital. I walked in late to the meeting but it didn't matter. I barely survived the 8 hours I spent at the hospital... I love EKG's but man... it was really hard yesterday. To top it off, I was supposed to share a little bit about my life at young adult fellowship that night and I'd tried repeatedly to work on what I was going to say throughout the past two weeks but couldn't quite finish it. I got home from class/work at around 4pm, started writing at 5 and finished by 6... with just enough time to take a little nap before fellowship. Talk about clutch...and procrastination (ho hum). I cried really hard while writing it too.
Woke up 10 minutes before fellowship and drove myself down to church. I'd joked before that I'd be giving my testimony to the 10 ppl that go to IT (which was a sad exaggeration cuz normally there's about 20... but... yesterday... I think literally 10 people showed up) but it was actually kind of nice. We all sat in a circle... and I was reminded of the very first time Anderson and I went to young adult fellowship the week after we got married. We all sat in a circle in that same room and played a game where we were supposed to describe ourselves using the letter of the alphabet that randomly fell on us in the order we were sitting. I remember that I got the letter "w" and I couldn't think of anything... and someone suggested... "wife". I had only been a wife for a few days at that point and that realization brought me a wave of awe, wonder... and joy. Yesterday, the memory brought me on the verge of tears as we sat in the circle reminiscent of that day... and what pushed me over was the lyrics to the song we sang...
there is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long and find
there is none like You
I couldn't sing anymore. I just let the tears fall. I remember singing this song in high school... and wondering when I'd find the ONE. When would I ever say those words to someone else? And the realization that I had found the one and THE One. I found them both in each other. Jesus worked it out that I would find Anderson... and Anderson and his death paved the way for me to find Jesus in the most powerful way possible. So many memories... so many thoughts and realizations... good thing I came prepared with tissues in my pocket. Bad thing I foolishly wore eyeliner. And mascara. But I think the mascara held up pretty well.
Anyway... so I pretty much cried through the entire time I was talking. When I'm crying, I barely know what I'm saying. Stuff just kinda comes out of my mouth and I have almost no memory of what's said. Kinda like how they say you remember nothing after getting versed... crying makes me say weird things... and it's also a sedative cuz it makes me really tired afterwards.
A few other things had been on my heart too. A couple friends going through some rough patches, dealing with my own transitions and changes, loss and readjustment... so yeah. What a week. It's barely Friday too. Back to work tonight...
Main thing though... I'm really thankful. Everything worked out for the good... I got a chance to do something nice for someone... someone else got a chance to be my saving grace... I got my sharing done with... and an hour and a half ago, I finished my debate intro. I made a bunch of flowers this week and I got to wear 2 of them today. Flowers make me happy and they also make me feel pretty. I'm such a girl. Anyway, I'm really happy. I'm very much at peace. And I just realized that I'm also pretty tired. Thanks for reading if you got this far... just ramblings today.
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