Thursday, April 22, 2010

Day 273 - bathroom thoughts

I can't believe how quickly the days flow by nowadays. Work definitely makes time go faster. I really thought that the adjustment to work would be really traumatizing after having been a student for so long... but honestly... I actually don't mind work. It's a surprise every single time... I never know what I'm going to get... I don't fear or dread going to work... I'm not jumping for joy when I have to go in but I do kind of enjoy it... even though it's a little bit stressful at times, but it's getting better. I'm not trying to make excuses or justify things... it's just how I feel. Maybe it's something like I approach work with a sense of awe and reverence, appreciation and thankfulness... It's a mixture of a lot of emotions, but I'm overall very thankful. I'm thankful to be employed, I'm thankful to have good co-workers, I'm thankful that I'm learning and growing as a person as well as in my profession. I also still have time on my days off to meet with people... during the day... at nights... on weekdays... I kinda like it. It's like the best parts of working and being a student all rolled into one. I love being able to do things during "working hours". That was one thing I didn't like about working a 9-5 M-F.

The only thing that I'm a little bit sad about is that I can't reply to emails or get back to people as quickly as I used to. I think maybe I also get back to people much quicker than normal people do and that's been my standard for such a long time. I think it's OK to take a day or two... or maybe up to a week... it's all those unread emails in my inbox that bothers the OCD Tiff.

I've also had a lot of thoughts that I haven't had time to blog. I haven't even had time to write them down in my journal to blog about later. Let's just see what comes out. I'm going to give myself 20 minutes or so. It's kinda hard to think clearly sitting at a cafe with blenders going, multiple conversations going on all around me, sometimes in different languages... and music playing in the background. OK. Wasting writing time.

Last week... I shared about my life in front of other people on two different occasions. When I share like that... I usually have to sit and think about what to say... which then leads me to ponder my life... where I've been, where I am... what direction I'm going... what makes things feel so different now compared to before...

Some notable differences I've noticed...

Friends. I've become so much more... attached to my friends. (hm. I hear Portuguese. K. Lost my train of thought)

Honesty. I think I've always been a pretty honest person but the content of what I've become honest about has somewhat shifted. I don't think I've ever been so acutely aware of my feelings, my heart, my own sinfulness and my need for a Savior.

Oh... here's something I had a thought about...

So... I'm a girl and I have medium length hair... therefore I shed these long hairs a lot. It's most noticeable in the bathroom. I don't know why I have so many thoughts in the bathroom. Anyway so... every time I go to the bathroom I notice the hair accumulated on the floor of my bathroom. I sort of don't mind when it's just me because I know it's all mine but the moment I see something that I know doesn't belong to me... I get really grossed out. I also don't think I'd be OK with having other people use my bathroom with my hair all over the floor. Even though I see it every time I go to the bathroom, I don't clean right away. I go to the bathroom, do my thing and then leave most of the time. When I go to the bathroom when I wake up, I usually don't make the time to clean because I justify that I have someplace to be so I'll just clean it next time. So I decide to clean after I finish washing up for bedtime. The only problem is... that the last thing I do before leaving the bathroom before bed is take off my contacts. After I take off my contacts, I really can't see well enough to clean. I don't know what my vision is... maybe 300 or so in both eyes... so I can SEE... I just can't see clearly enough to clean without my glasses on. My glasses are on my bedside table. Loooooong story to tell you why I don't clean my bathroom on a regular basis.

I realized that this is what I've been doing pretty much all my life going to church. I shed hair without knowing it... it just happens naturally. I go to church (like I go to the bathroom) and I see certain things in my life that I recognize shouldn't be there (like the hair all over the floor)... and I don't do anything about it. I go back and see the same things again. There are definitely reasons why I don't clean right away... there are other things that I think are important... other things that I prioritize first... and then when I actually do have the "time" or when I decide to make the time... it's at those times that my vision is so blurry that I don't see it anymore... and things look OK so I just move on with life. Nothing is cleaned... nothing is done... even though I've recognized it and acknowledged it repeatedly.

Not a perfect analogy and I keep hearing this girl talking about how she loves this guy from China who has a kid so she might end up being a stepmom... so my thoughts are really scattered... but I realized how my priorities really affect my actions. I realized how putting things off really shows what's important to me. And how if I put things off for too long sometimes... I become blinded to what's really there. Also... cleaning requires effort, whereas sinning doesn't. It's my natural tendency to sin and for things to progress towards chaos... it takes a conscious effort to purposefully remain aware of what's truly going on and to get rid of the things that shouldn't be there. And it's also accountability to allow people into my life... so they can see the things that shouldn't be there and also an additional motivator not to just let things go. Alright. It's been 20 minutes and I've gotta pack up and go. I guess I'll finish or write more another day.

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