A week ago, I went to the batting cages with some friends. This was the first time I'd gone without Anderson. About a month ago, I went bowling with some friends. This was also the first time I'd gone bowling without Anderson as well. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it or how I'd react... but what I enjoyed doing before Anderson, I enjoyed doing WITH Anderson even more, and I still continue to enjoy doing the same things without him. Things aren't the same; they're different, but I'm OK with that.
A few things I really miss about doing our favorite things without him is (1) sharing the joy together and (2) his coaching. I liked bowling and going to the cages (and also playing softball or baseball) but I don't think I was particularly good at any of those things. I was probably mediocre at best. Anderson was exceptional. He spent his time in the very very fast cage... you know... the one with the warning about "not attempting this unless you're a professional and know what you're doing because you're gonna get hurt in here" sign on the outside of the gate. I think I'd just limited myself to slow-pitch softball because that's what I could handle.
We actually went to the cages on our first "double date". He hates that it was called a date. It really wasn't a date. It was actually on that day that he nicknamed me gameboy girl because I played gameboy at the dinner table. Anyway... he didn't correct me and my batting on that day. After we started dating though... he started to fix my batting. And there were a lot of things to fix. Every time after that, he'd stand outside the cage, analyzing every single swing. Right before I went in, he made sure I remembered to line up my knuckles, to choke up... something about my elbows... I can't remember anymore. Before we even stepped foot into the cages, he'd go pick a bat that he felt was appropriate for me.
I wonder if anyone else would have felt that this kind of treatment was degrading. I really enjoyed it. More than anything else... this was the way in which he took care of me... and not just to allow me to be who I am and encourage me in my weaknesses... but if there was any chance that he could help me be better... to do better... I'd rather have that than to have someone just make me feel good about myself when the true reality is that I'm horrible. Perhaps if I was SO horrible that there was absolutely no chance that I could do any better, then I guess it would have been OK to have that kind of empty praise... maybe. Who knows. In all ways, in all areas of my life... Anderson helped me be better... and I really miss that.
I moved up from slow-pitch softball to hitting baseballs. I think I spent quite a few times in the "slow" cage before I felt confident enough to move on to "medium". I don't know what mph those speed labels refer to. That's how the cages are labeled at Boomers. This past time, I was hitting balls at 60 mph. I don't know how fast that is but I'm pretty sure that Anderson would be proud of me.
While I was hitting... I tried my best to remember what he'd tell me. I think that's the true test of whether or not I really learned anything or if my improved performance was dependent on having someone else there to coach me at all times. I don't think I remembered everything, but I remembered enough to make contact and to readjust when I didn't.
I realized later that I had my coaching period with Anderson and now it was time to see what I was really made of. Right now, I'm in my coaching period with my preceptor at work. I'm going through a similar time of being hovered over and facing a bombardment of tips and corrections on almost every single nursing act I do. At first, this made me cry after my first few shifts. I felt inadequate as a nurse and as a person. After the first few weeks, I came to grips with my inadequacy, threw my pride out the window, and went to work with the mentality that I'm going to work hard to be better... and having a coach who cares about (and sees) the details will only make me a better nurse. I'm going to commit what she says to memory and try to put it into practice... to hear her voice telling me where I've messed up in the past and not make the same mistake again when I'm on my own. I'm not going to have a preceptor forever. One day, I'm going to be on my own... whether I'm ready or not, I'm going to be thrown off the cliff to see if I'll be able to spread my wings and fly.
This reminded me of a story I once read... this is the gist of it: 3 women are sitting in a garden crying. Jesus came to the first one, touched her on the head and whispered softly in her ear. He then went on to the next one. He touched her, but did not say anything. When he came to the third one, he didn't stop... He just walked right by her. After hearing this story, someone asked, "who did Jesus love more?" and the person responded, "He must have loved the first woman most, the 2nd woman next, and the 3rd one, not at all". The first person replied, "Actually, He loves them all the same. He just responded to their needs in a different way. The first woman needed to feel His touch and audibly hear His words to be comforted. The second woman, had more faith than the first and only needed to feel His touch. The third woman, had the most faith of them all. She didn't need to hear or feel Him; she already knew that He was there, watching over her, and taking care of her."
I'm sure the story explained it better but I think what hit me most about the story is that the greatest faith is exercised solo and is not dependent on touch or signs or needs... it's based on the knowledge and confidence that what God says is true even if I haven't experienced it yet. My whole life, my faith was built on my own experiences... which meant that if I hadn't experienced it yet, I wasn't sure if it would happen for me. Nowadays... I've experienced much, but I don't want to have to learn only by making mistakes... I want to learn based on what has been recorded in scripture and also on the faith that the God of limitless power, unblemished holiness, and ultimate goodness will never fail me. Everything He's promised has come to pass. All that I've been given is for a reason. All that I have not been given has been withheld for a reason as well. And it's not to kill my joy... it's for His divine purpose. There is so much peace in that.
There's more I wanted to write about this, but I'm pretty sick and also pretty tired. Should be getting back to bed. I slept 15 hours after the wedding, woke up, ate something, tried to do some stuff... got tired... slept another 4 hours... did a little bit of stuff... now I'm tired again so heading back to bed.
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