Day 282 - relationship randoms

Relationships bring me a lot of joy. I thought it was funny how my good friend called me "extro-converted" in that I'm an introvert converted into a somewhat extrovert. I don't think I'm all wild and crazy out there... I just love people. I love my friends. I like meeting new people. I like being around people. There's something about connecting with someone else that is just... magical. I'm deeply grateful for the people around me... there's just... so much richness... so much life... so much to pour out onto others...

I think relationships bring meaning. They breathe life into the lifeless. I think there is a deep yearning in all people to love and be loved... relationships is where it all happens.

I think God created relationships among us to help us relate to Himself better. They not only help us understand ourselves more... they give us opportunities to practice the second greatest commandment... to love others.

I'm all drugged up trying to get myself over this cold or sickness or whatever I've caught. I'm just trying to get my thoughts out even though my brain feels swollen and numb right now.

So how does one develop a relationship? I dunno... two ppl meet... they follow certain rules that society dictates... and then after a while... each friendship creates their own rules. I don't know where I'm going with this.

My relationship with God. I think it started out... not with experiencing Him, His love, or His friendship... but with a lot of rules. I don't know if I just acted like I knew what I was doing... I was just trying to follow the rules. And to an extent... the rules didn't make sense to me. They were... confusing... restrictive... impossible. I just didn't get it. Living like this... was so hard and disappointing. Full of failure.

It really wasn't until I glimpsed the love of God that everything began to make sense and fall into place. Everything... all of life... all of God's Word... everything... is all about God's love.

I'm sorry this is so random and choppy.

I think the beautiful thing about God is that He wants to have a relationship with every single person on this planet. Christianity is not about rules to follow... it's about having a relationship. Only an infinite God... an omnipresent God... an all-powerful God could even fathom having a personal, living, growing relationship with every single person ever. He can do it. Because He's God. He is limitless. He'll never leave me because He's too busy for me or caught up with someone else... it's Him and me... always and forever... to infinity and beyond.

So if it's all about the relationship... why do we always want a roadmap to life? Why do we think it's easier if God just tells us what to do and we do it? Why do we want explicit instructions? Maybe it's easier to follow a step-by-step than to have a relationship... but what is more fulfilling? Mindless rules or faith and obedience as a result of knowing that a loving God, and all-knowing God... always has our best interests in mind?

Sometimes God gives explicit instructions... sometimes not. Sometimes it's very obvious and very straightforward... sometimes not. God speaks in many ways... through His Word... directly into our thoughts... through other people... through circumstances. We miss a lot when we're not paying attention. And when we do hear... and we choose to ignore... we hear even less.

So many times, we want God to speak in mighty, miraculous ways. I've been reading about Elijah lately. Right after Elijah had his big victorious showdown on Mount Carmel with the false prophets, he fled. He fled away from Queen Jezebel who said that she'd kill him. He fled into a cave... and God met him. God said, "what are you doing here, Elijah?" and Elijah responded.

God told him to stand out on the mountain. God sent great crashing winds... but He was not found there. He caused a mighty earthquake... but He was not there either. And then a great fire... but He wasn't found there either. He was found in a still small voice. (1 Kings 18:11-12).

Sometimes... the God who has complete and infinite control of earth, wind, and fire... chooses not to speak to us through raw, brute power... but in a still small voice. Such restraint. Such gentleness. Such love and patience. And yet that still small voice is so powerful. It can cause us to fall flat on our faces... it can pierce to the very depth of our hearts... it can draw us out of our fear, our doubts, our trembling... and into the calm, peaceful presence of our Lord. He meets us. He speaks to us... in love. And we are to listen.

Be quiet before Him. Stop and listen. You will hear it. Wait for it.

I don't know half of what I'm doing most of the time. I've just found that it's easier to be true to myself than to try and pretend to be someone I'm not. The more time I spend with God... the more time I want to spend with people. The more of God's heart is revealed to me... the more I see how much God loves His people and wants me to do the same. The more I love God with all I've got... the more God's love fills me... the more it needs to spill out on people around me. I don't need to try to love people... I just do... because it is what happens naturally when you love God.

I wonder about a lot of people. I wonder about how they're doing. I care to know how you're doing... how you're feeling... what you're thinking. I want you to know that I'm thinking of you... wishing for you to be happy... wanting you to know that you're taken care of. For all the beautiful women in my life... I want you to know that you're beautiful. If I can think of practical ways to show this to you... to serve you... to care for you... I try to just do it. I can't take on everything at once... just whatever is brought to mind at the moment... moment by moment... wherever I'm led.

I don't even know if I made any sense. I just know... I'm tired. Gonna try to sleep. Been sleeping horribly the past few nights due to the coughing. Hope the drugs and some nice clean sheets do my body good. Thanks for reading my ramblings if you've gotten this far. I'm so drugged.

Day 277b - Learning Part II

I just finished a paper! I'm rewarding myself by blogging a continuation of this morning's thoughts on learning.

I had the pleasure and honor of bridesmaiding at my dear friend's wedding on Saturday. She asked me to give a speech at the reception and I gladly agreed. Public speaking is a crap shoot for me. As much as I try to prepare... I never feel ready for it. My pitts get sweaty, my hands start to shake and when it comes to this kind of sharing from the heart... I undoubtedly start crying. I don't think I made it past the first line without bursting into tears... but what I ended up speaking was pretty much a very brief summation of my heart for my dear sister.

Here's a little excerpt of my speech:

One of the things I appreciate most about Leslie is our marked differences. Leslie and I are like day and night, and I see in her character many things that I'd always wanted for my own. Our respective strengths are each other’s weaknesses. Instead of our differences driving us apart, we have overcome the temptation for jealousy and discontentment and have grown to learn from each other and sharpen each other so that together, we grow stronger and blossom brighter than we ever could if we were apart. Leslie has been a role model for me throughout my lifetime and from the bottom of my heart, I thank God for bringing her into my life to teach me and show me how to be the woman I know God wants me to be.

I know it didn't go quite so nicely on the day of... between sobs and sniffles and "grossness" and my voice that somehow disappeared the morning of the wedding... I hope the point got across. Well, if it didn't then, then it will now.

I heard a sermon a few weeks ago which challenged me to look for Christ-like characteristics in others and emulate them in my own life. If you wanna grow or if you wanna learn... learn from the best.

In taking a look at my friendships... I see so many wonderful things to emulate. The richness and vibrancy that my friends add to my life is nothing short of amazing.

And then I started to think about... what would I want people to emulate FROM me? It's one thing to learn from someone else and quite another to have others learn from you. But I think... both are good things.

Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ. 1 Cor. 11:1

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Phil 3:14

Opening myself up to following after others... and also to having others follow after me... good things. I am not perfect, but I press on. And if other people are encouraged to press on alongside me, then that would be nice. And if my weaknesses are emulated and amplified in those who follow after me... then I'm glad that I will be able to see it more clearly and humbly work towards sanctification in that area.

On the topic of comparing... there's such great temptation to compare myself to others. I know I did it quite frequently in Houston... when I wished that I had someone else's life... any other life but mine. I wished that Anderson didn't have to have brain cancer. I wished that we could just be two "normal" people, living a "normal" life back home... who didn't have to deal with all of this right now... but I dunno. All that wishing didn't change a thing. All that wishing for something other than what we were given... it was honest. Somewhere along the way... maybe alongside the wishing... was growing a deep faith that God was in control. He knew exactly what we needed and put us in the precise circumstances which would allow us to grow the most. We could fight the things we couldn't change, but we could also accept them and appreciate the good things that came out of it. Lots of good came out of it.

Excerpt from Streams, April 26:

Light is always costly and comes at the expense of that which produces it. An unlit candle does not shine, for burning must come before the light. And we can be of little use to others without a cost to ourselves. Burning suggests suffering, and we try to avoid pain.

We tend to feel we are doing the greatest good in the world when we are strong and fit for active duty and when our hearts and hands are busy with kind acts of service. Therefore when we are set aside to suffer, when we are sick, when we are consumed with pain, and when all our activities have been stopped, we feel we are no longer of any use and are accomplishing nothing.

Yet if we will be patient and submissive, it is almost certain we will be a greater blessing to the world around us during our time of suffering and pain than we were when we thought we were doing our greatest work. Then we are burning and shining brightly as a result of the fire.

Someone once asked me when she would learn to love correction. I've thought about that question a lot. I'm not really sure. Maybe when you learn to turn your eyes away from the initial sting and set your gaze on what you know is coming ahead. Maybe it's when the joy of transformation towards holiness overcomes you so powerfully that you look forward to the next round as a new chance to rid your life of sin that slows you down and entangles you. Maybe when you begin to realize that God only disciplines those whom He loves... and the greater the discipline, the greater the love. The quicker you submit to the discipline, the faster it will end, the faster you will move on to the next great lesson He wants you to learn.

K, I think I've been trying to finish this post for a very long time. I'm just going to end it now.

Feeling better, physically. My voice is pretty much back. Glad to have a few more days of rest before work.

Day 277 - learning

A week ago, I went to the batting cages with some friends. This was the first time I'd gone without Anderson. About a month ago, I went bowling with some friends. This was also the first time I'd gone bowling without Anderson as well. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it or how I'd react... but what I enjoyed doing before Anderson, I enjoyed doing WITH Anderson even more, and I still continue to enjoy doing the same things without him. Things aren't the same; they're different, but I'm OK with that.

A few things I really miss about doing our favorite things without him is (1) sharing the joy together and (2) his coaching. I liked bowling and going to the cages (and also playing softball or baseball) but I don't think I was particularly good at any of those things. I was probably mediocre at best. Anderson was exceptional. He spent his time in the very very fast cage... you know... the one with the warning about "not attempting this unless you're a professional and know what you're doing because you're gonna get hurt in here" sign on the outside of the gate. I think I'd just limited myself to slow-pitch softball because that's what I could handle.

We actually went to the cages on our first "double date". He hates that it was called a date. It really wasn't a date. It was actually on that day that he nicknamed me gameboy girl because I played gameboy at the dinner table. Anyway... he didn't correct me and my batting on that day. After we started dating though... he started to fix my batting. And there were a lot of things to fix. Every time after that, he'd stand outside the cage, analyzing every single swing. Right before I went in, he made sure I remembered to line up my knuckles, to choke up... something about my elbows... I can't remember anymore. Before we even stepped foot into the cages, he'd go pick a bat that he felt was appropriate for me.

I wonder if anyone else would have felt that this kind of treatment was degrading. I really enjoyed it. More than anything else... this was the way in which he took care of me... and not just to allow me to be who I am and encourage me in my weaknesses... but if there was any chance that he could help me be better... to do better... I'd rather have that than to have someone just make me feel good about myself when the true reality is that I'm horrible. Perhaps if I was SO horrible that there was absolutely no chance that I could do any better, then I guess it would have been OK to have that kind of empty praise... maybe. Who knows. In all ways, in all areas of my life... Anderson helped me be better... and I really miss that.

I moved up from slow-pitch softball to hitting baseballs. I think I spent quite a few times in the "slow" cage before I felt confident enough to move on to "medium". I don't know what mph those speed labels refer to. That's how the cages are labeled at Boomers. This past time, I was hitting balls at 60 mph. I don't know how fast that is but I'm pretty sure that Anderson would be proud of me.

While I was hitting... I tried my best to remember what he'd tell me. I think that's the true test of whether or not I really learned anything or if my improved performance was dependent on having someone else there to coach me at all times. I don't think I remembered everything, but I remembered enough to make contact and to readjust when I didn't.

I realized later that I had my coaching period with Anderson and now it was time to see what I was really made of. Right now, I'm in my coaching period with my preceptor at work. I'm going through a similar time of being hovered over and facing a bombardment of tips and corrections on almost every single nursing act I do. At first, this made me cry after my first few shifts. I felt inadequate as a nurse and as a person. After the first few weeks, I came to grips with my inadequacy, threw my pride out the window, and went to work with the mentality that I'm going to work hard to be better... and having a coach who cares about (and sees) the details will only make me a better nurse. I'm going to commit what she says to memory and try to put it into practice... to hear her voice telling me where I've messed up in the past and not make the same mistake again when I'm on my own. I'm not going to have a preceptor forever. One day, I'm going to be on my own... whether I'm ready or not, I'm going to be thrown off the cliff to see if I'll be able to spread my wings and fly.

This reminded me of a story I once read... this is the gist of it: 3 women are sitting in a garden crying. Jesus came to the first one, touched her on the head and whispered softly in her ear. He then went on to the next one. He touched her, but did not say anything. When he came to the third one, he didn't stop... He just walked right by her. After hearing this story, someone asked, "who did Jesus love more?" and the person responded, "He must have loved the first woman most, the 2nd woman next, and the 3rd one, not at all". The first person replied, "Actually, He loves them all the same. He just responded to their needs in a different way. The first woman needed to feel His touch and audibly hear His words to be comforted. The second woman, had more faith than the first and only needed to feel His touch. The third woman, had the most faith of them all. She didn't need to hear or feel Him; she already knew that He was there, watching over her, and taking care of her."

I'm sure the story explained it better but I think what hit me most about the story is that the greatest faith is exercised solo and is not dependent on touch or signs or needs... it's based on the knowledge and confidence that what God says is true even if I haven't experienced it yet. My whole life, my faith was built on my own experiences... which meant that if I hadn't experienced it yet, I wasn't sure if it would happen for me. Nowadays... I've experienced much, but I don't want to have to learn only by making mistakes... I want to learn based on what has been recorded in scripture and also on the faith that the God of limitless power, unblemished holiness, and ultimate goodness will never fail me. Everything He's promised has come to pass. All that I've been given is for a reason. All that I have not been given has been withheld for a reason as well. And it's not to kill my joy... it's for His divine purpose. There is so much peace in that.

There's more I wanted to write about this, but I'm pretty sick and also pretty tired. Should be getting back to bed. I slept 15 hours after the wedding, woke up, ate something, tried to do some stuff... got tired... slept another 4 hours... did a little bit of stuff... now I'm tired again so heading back to bed.

Day 273 - bathroom thoughts

I can't believe how quickly the days flow by nowadays. Work definitely makes time go faster. I really thought that the adjustment to work would be really traumatizing after having been a student for so long... but honestly... I actually don't mind work. It's a surprise every single time... I never know what I'm going to get... I don't fear or dread going to work... I'm not jumping for joy when I have to go in but I do kind of enjoy it... even though it's a little bit stressful at times, but it's getting better. I'm not trying to make excuses or justify things... it's just how I feel. Maybe it's something like I approach work with a sense of awe and reverence, appreciation and thankfulness... It's a mixture of a lot of emotions, but I'm overall very thankful. I'm thankful to be employed, I'm thankful to have good co-workers, I'm thankful that I'm learning and growing as a person as well as in my profession. I also still have time on my days off to meet with people... during the day... at nights... on weekdays... I kinda like it. It's like the best parts of working and being a student all rolled into one. I love being able to do things during "working hours". That was one thing I didn't like about working a 9-5 M-F.

The only thing that I'm a little bit sad about is that I can't reply to emails or get back to people as quickly as I used to. I think maybe I also get back to people much quicker than normal people do and that's been my standard for such a long time. I think it's OK to take a day or two... or maybe up to a week... it's all those unread emails in my inbox that bothers the OCD Tiff.

I've also had a lot of thoughts that I haven't had time to blog. I haven't even had time to write them down in my journal to blog about later. Let's just see what comes out. I'm going to give myself 20 minutes or so. It's kinda hard to think clearly sitting at a cafe with blenders going, multiple conversations going on all around me, sometimes in different languages... and music playing in the background. OK. Wasting writing time.

Last week... I shared about my life in front of other people on two different occasions. When I share like that... I usually have to sit and think about what to say... which then leads me to ponder my life... where I've been, where I am... what direction I'm going... what makes things feel so different now compared to before...

Some notable differences I've noticed...

Friends. I've become so much more... attached to my friends. (hm. I hear Portuguese. K. Lost my train of thought)

Honesty. I think I've always been a pretty honest person but the content of what I've become honest about has somewhat shifted. I don't think I've ever been so acutely aware of my feelings, my heart, my own sinfulness and my need for a Savior.

Oh... here's something I had a thought about...

So... I'm a girl and I have medium length hair... therefore I shed these long hairs a lot. It's most noticeable in the bathroom. I don't know why I have so many thoughts in the bathroom. Anyway so... every time I go to the bathroom I notice the hair accumulated on the floor of my bathroom. I sort of don't mind when it's just me because I know it's all mine but the moment I see something that I know doesn't belong to me... I get really grossed out. I also don't think I'd be OK with having other people use my bathroom with my hair all over the floor. Even though I see it every time I go to the bathroom, I don't clean right away. I go to the bathroom, do my thing and then leave most of the time. When I go to the bathroom when I wake up, I usually don't make the time to clean because I justify that I have someplace to be so I'll just clean it next time. So I decide to clean after I finish washing up for bedtime. The only problem is... that the last thing I do before leaving the bathroom before bed is take off my contacts. After I take off my contacts, I really can't see well enough to clean. I don't know what my vision is... maybe 300 or so in both eyes... so I can SEE... I just can't see clearly enough to clean without my glasses on. My glasses are on my bedside table. Loooooong story to tell you why I don't clean my bathroom on a regular basis.

I realized that this is what I've been doing pretty much all my life going to church. I shed hair without knowing it... it just happens naturally. I go to church (like I go to the bathroom) and I see certain things in my life that I recognize shouldn't be there (like the hair all over the floor)... and I don't do anything about it. I go back and see the same things again. There are definitely reasons why I don't clean right away... there are other things that I think are important... other things that I prioritize first... and then when I actually do have the "time" or when I decide to make the time... it's at those times that my vision is so blurry that I don't see it anymore... and things look OK so I just move on with life. Nothing is cleaned... nothing is done... even though I've recognized it and acknowledged it repeatedly.

Not a perfect analogy and I keep hearing this girl talking about how she loves this guy from China who has a kid so she might end up being a stepmom... so my thoughts are really scattered... but I realized how my priorities really affect my actions. I realized how putting things off really shows what's important to me. And how if I put things off for too long sometimes... I become blinded to what's really there. Also... cleaning requires effort, whereas sinning doesn't. It's my natural tendency to sin and for things to progress towards chaos... it takes a conscious effort to purposefully remain aware of what's truly going on and to get rid of the things that shouldn't be there. And it's also accountability to allow people into my life... so they can see the things that shouldn't be there and also an additional motivator not to just let things go. Alright. It's been 20 minutes and I've gotta pack up and go. I guess I'll finish or write more another day.

Day 268 - passion, love, and joy

Here's what I wrote a few days ago and what I shared with young adult fellowship on Thursday. It's pretty much a quickie overview of the main highlights. Sort of. There's just so much. Anyway... for those of you who've forgotten or who maybe just met me... this is for you.

I’ve been attending First Chinese Baptist Church - Walnut since I was 6 years old. I accepted Christ in the first grade at what was equivalent to the fall festival at that time. It was really only a costume parade and afterwards they sat us down and shared the gospel with us. I remember an auntie showing us a picture of hell and I decided I didn’t want to go there so I decided to accept Christ. That was my childhood conversion.

So I’ve been at FCBC ever since. That was 22 years ago. I don’t have that much time so I’m just going to skip ahead to high school.

I see now how my entire life… the sum of my choices… the circumstances that God orchestrated in my life… was all destined and designed by the Master to draw me into His arms. I don’t think I have the time to tell it all, but I’ll try to give the quick version about how God taught me how to love.

Passion, love… joy… these things were foreign to me growing up. I had heard of them. I read about them, but I don’t think I ever really felt it. I longed to be loved. And my choices led me to look for it in all the wrong places.

I made my choices the best I could. I tried my best at everything. I tried to do the right thing. And I always felt like I’d come up empty. I felt like a wallflower. Like no one ever noticed me. There was deep, intense disappointment in my heart and I’d built walls around myself to protect myself from getting hurt even further.

And then… came the guys. I don't think I can ever give a testimony without mentioning the role that guys have played in my life. It's like God knew that guys would be the freeway by which God can cut straight into the depths of my heart... so that I could find life and learn valuable lessons. Sometime senior year, after AP tests were done, I decided it was time to have a boyfriend. So, me, being the go-getter that I am… I went and got one. And for the first time in my life, I felt like someone saw me and someone loved me. It was a very shallow and imperfect love, but still. It was all I had back then. Obviously that didn’t work out, and I rebounded into another relationship. That one didn’t work out either. And then came Anderson.

I don’t even know how it happened, but it did. It really was God using my own weaknesses for His glory… and I am certain of this because Anderson wasn’t a Christian when we first started dating. I was SO WEAK I couldn’t break it off. And God was so gracious to me to bring Anderson into His family. Over the years of our relationship, God really used Anderson to purify me and my character. It was Anderson who truly began to show me what love really is… and in him I found the love that I had been waiting for my whole life.

I finally felt like somebody saw me. I finally felt like someone cared. It really was the best thing that ever happened to me and I had begun to let my walls down and I really thought that I was well on my way to having the life I always wanted. But God knew better and He wasn’t finished with me just yet.

Deep in my heart, I always wanted to draw closer to God. God always had a hold of me even when I didn’t know or understand it… and even when I wasn’t willing to do more to get it. Anderson and I had a rocky start to our relationship but by the 2^nd year, we learned how to communicate and how to grow together. I think God waited for this to happen and then He knew that we were ready for the next step. The brain tumor.

This tumor… was the best thing that ever happened to us. Anderson was the better person out of the two of us and his journey with God was exactly what he needed. He was a slow mover. He was slow to make decisions and this brain tumor and the threat of a truncated life to make him move faster. I’m the one who’s quick to make decisions, quick to take on way too much, and this brain tumor made me slow down, simplify and enjoy life. When God brings us into the fiery furnace of trials… He knows the exact temperature and the exact length of time with which to fire us to bring us to the exact place that He wants us to be. With Anderson.... God did a miracle in his heart. And I’m so happy that he is where he is today. Sometimes I'm so jealous that God didn't choose me to go first. My time is coming tho… and I look forward to it… but God has different plans for me right now, which is why I’m still here.

It took this brain tumor for me to stop doing what I wanted to do and start living my life with others in mind. It took this tumor to get me to realize what was important in life… and that what I thought was important, really wasn’t at all. It took us going to Houston for me to leave behind ministries, my friends, my family, my home, all my "stuff", school… and potentially my career… for me to be where I needed to be before God. Just me, Anderson, and God’s Word.

Houston was simple times. I basically woke up, did devotions, went to the hospital almost everyday. Totally simplified life. And in those times… when it was just me and God… God revealed to me so much of Himself. I cried. Oh how I cried and I screamed and I pleaded with God… and you know what? God knows. He knew that I needed 3 years to say goodbye to Anderson. He knew that I couldn’t handle him leaving me quickly. He knew I needed this time to let go and He was so patient with me.

Later on… one of my friends told me about a conversation that a few ppl had about me. One person asked how do you think Tiff’s going to handle losing Anderson? Anderson is her life. They all agreed on that. And one person said… that they honestly didn’t know. They said that it could destroy me… or it might not. They really didn’t know… because it’s Tiff. They just had to wait and see. I can't remember when someone told me this. I think I never really thought about what life would be like if Anderson weren't there anymore. It was a reality that I didn't want to face until I was forced to.

After he was gone, I cried. I cried a lot. I opened my eyes and would just start sobbing. The first breath of everyday was a heart-wrenching, pain-inducing realization that the love of my life was no longer by my side. It was a deep vacuum of a dark and formless void... with sorrow and yearning that swirls and suffocates until it feels like all of you is being flushed down the toilet with it into some kind of endless abyss. And when I wasn’t crying on the outside… I was crying on the inside. Every time I exhaled… it was a silent scream of anguish. Every single time. Every minute of everyday.

And then one day… I opened my eyes and… it was like the clouds parted and I felt the warmth of sunshine. All of life… all the bits and pieces fell into place and I realized how much, how vast, how great is God’s love for me. It was breathtaking. It was that moment that I realized that it was Him all along... in control of everything. And I was filled with such joy. And it was a joy that I could not contain.

The more I read God’s Word, the more I realized His love for me. The more I learned about God’s heart and the more I wanted to please Him by obeying. The more I learned, the more I wanted to learn. It was like I couldn’t get enough. And I realized that all the ways that I had loved Anderson… all the ways I learned to sacrifice for him, to put him first… to give him all of me… it was training wheels… it was practice for me to learn how to love God. And I think God knew that I wouldn’t have realized this any other way. So all of my life…all the good, the bad, the victories and tragedies...God knew and God designed specifically… meticulously… down to very minute details… to bring me into His arms. And I’ve never been happier.

Life is beautiful and life is abundant. Those 3 things that I said I’d always wanted but never thought I’d have… passion, love, and joy… I realize that I've tasted them... I dare even say that I have them in abundance now. Life is everything that God said it would be… like living in the land flowing with milk and honey… it’s just … beauty everywhere. I have peace that I’ve never known, joy that I’ve never known… a heart that I’ve never had before… I always used to be stressed out all the time and now… I’m really not even though life hasn't gotten any easier. I have complete assurance and faith that God is in control and has everything worked out and planned out for His good. There's lots of peace in that.

I still struggle a lot, but it’s a struggle that I know will result in my sanctification so in many ways, I actually like it. I know that it’s so worth it. The momentary pain is fleeting and also inconsequential in light of the eternal worth of drawing closer to and being transformed into the likeness of Christ.

I don't know what's going to happen in the future but I know that it'll be good... and for my good. And I think that is so lovely. :)

Day 267 - the week of tears

At this rate, I don't know if I can keep up with January, February and March by having 9 posts this month. Oh well.

This week has been exceptionally draining... physically and emotionally... but I really kind of like it. I like the feeling of deep-seated, complex emotions bounding out from the whirpooling depths of my heart. It's a little bit inconvenient to cry so much, especially with eyeliner that gets all over the place, but like I always say... I know it's a good day when there's crying involved... and I had oh so many good days this week.

I haven't slept much the past few days. I worked last weekend and had a pretty busy week. I'd wanted to write a few times but I was just so tired, I could barely hold a thought in my head before it flitted out and disappeared.

I've cried a lot this past week. More than average, even for me. I think I was telling someone that I pretty much cry every few days and that was normal. I think I've cried every single day this week starting from Monday and they weren't little ones either. Half the time they were big sob-fests. Maybe I should just go back and explain a little bit about why.

I've been doing pretty well lately. Work's been getting better and over the weekend, I finally remembered... only once tho... to say goodbye to my patients before I left work. It's one of those things that I always wanted to do but only remember after I've already left. I think it's just the excitement of being done with work, clocking out, and herding to the parking lot that gives me that momentary amnesia. Sunday morning, I actually remembered to do a final round and say bye. Mostly, I think my patients were asleep, but one of them wasn't. She was actually the most high maintenance patient I had that night, but I didn't really mind. Since I was in there so much, I got a chance to talk to her here and there... which is also something that happens only on rare occasions but that I wished happened more often. So I said bye and hoped that she'd have a good day. And then I went home. When I came back that night and went in to introduce myself again, she said something along the lines of "oh thank god you're back... I had the most horrible day and it's such a relief to see you again. I almost wasn't going to make it through the day but then I remembered that you'd be back again tonight and it got me through. You guys are so nice and you have bedside manner and you care enough to say goodbye before you leave..." and she went on and on but I was so surprised that just one little act made such an impact on her. And I'm glad that the one day I actually remembered to say bye... was the one day that someone really needed to hear it.

Side note: if you feel an inkling or an urge to do something, however small, for someone else... just stop (if you can) and do it really quickly. You never know how much of an impact that one little thing can have on that person and you'll never have more motivation to do it as when you first feel the impulse. I call that being efficient with my thoughtfulness. I hope I remember to say bye more often.

OK so back to my emotional week. I woke up Monday and went to put on my rings. I don't wear my rings to the hospital because I wash my hands so often and I've heard horror stories about people losing their diamonds when they remove their gloves... just didn't want that to happen to me. I put my rings on and noticed that one of my little side diamonds (not the big one) had fallen out. I was a little bit sad, but I figured... oh well... I guess maybe it's time to stop wearing it. I'd have to stop someday... why not today? So I put it back in the box. That night when I went to bed... I told Anderson about the ring. I haven't spoken outloud to him in a VERY long time. I cried. I cried pretty hard. I cried hard enough that I knew I'd have puffy eyes when I woke up the next day. I heard him tell me that it's just a ring... and that he'd get me a new one if I wanted (he always said that during the 6 months we were engaged... what a weirdo since it took him 5 years to actually get me this one)... and that those things don't matter that much. It's just a thing. I think it's a little bit funny how I can still have conversations with him sometimes. Maybe it's because I knew him so well... that my heart almost knew what he was going to say before he said it. That happens sometimes... but not others... but this time he was right. And he was always oh so practical. It IS just an object. So very true. So I let it go.

The following day, I logged on to facebook and saw that my relationship status had changed. It still said that I was married but it no longer said "married to Anderson Chen"... just "married". I had been toying with the idea of changing my relationship status for a while now but every time I tried and got to the point where fb would tell me that my relationship would be cancelled if I saved my changes... I couldn't bring myself to do it. How can I cancel my relationship? Cancel it like it never existed? Cancel it like a mistake I made? I wasn't ready every time I tried, but now that his name was gone from under my status... I didn't really see much point to having it there anymore. But I decided to wait a day... maybe fb would fix itself and his name would be there again tomorrow. But it didn't fix itself. It bothered me. It irked me all day long. Such a small, small thing... a fb relationship status... well, that and the ring... I even asked someone if I was being crazy, irrational and hyper-emotional about those two things... and she said no. Another person also told me that those sounded like justifiable reasons to be sad. So I just let myself be sad about it. And I'd resolved to finally cancel my relationship status. But later. Later on that day.

So it's Wednesday at this point... I had a really hard time sleeping and waking up for BSF but I got myself there... all groggy and everything. Came home and tried to work on homework but since I hadn't gotten much sleep, I couldn't focus enough to work on my debate. I made flowers instead. Anyway. That night I was meeting up with my friend for dinner and then going to the memorial service for my other friend who passed away in the car accident a few weeks ago. I knew this friend from grad school... and some of my cohort hadn't heard that Anderson had passed away. Normally, I don't really mind telling people but that particular day, every time I said it was like a little jab at my heart. Not a big jab... maybe like a little toothpick prick. So I went home and just decided to change my relationship status.

I hesitated. I went to the dropdown and chose "widowed" and when it came to the part about canceling my relationship... I paused. This is it. Canceled. I hadn't cried any big tears that day. I was feeling pretty good about that. After I clicked save and canceled my relationship tho... immediately the floodgates opened with a vengeance. And 10 seconds after I started bawling, my phone starts ringing. If it were anyone other than this one person, I might not have picked up but I did for her. And I just cried. God has perfect timing. He knew precisely what I needed and who I needed it from and I didn't even have to ask her for it. He sees and He hears and somehow put it in my friend's mind to call me at that particular moment... to care for me... to listen and to pray for me at the precise moment that I needed it the most. How can I ever doubt God's love and care for me? I really really can't.

I had to be at the hospital really early on Thursday so I tried to get to bed, but I just couldn't stay asleep. I slept a total of 5 non-consecutive hours on Wednesday night/Thursday morning and dragged myself to the hospital. I walked in late to the meeting but it didn't matter. I barely survived the 8 hours I spent at the hospital... I love EKG's but man... it was really hard yesterday. To top it off, I was supposed to share a little bit about my life at young adult fellowship that night and I'd tried repeatedly to work on what I was going to say throughout the past two weeks but couldn't quite finish it. I got home from class/work at around 4pm, started writing at 5 and finished by 6... with just enough time to take a little nap before fellowship. Talk about clutch...and procrastination (ho hum). I cried really hard while writing it too.

Woke up 10 minutes before fellowship and drove myself down to church. I'd joked before that I'd be giving my testimony to the 10 ppl that go to IT (which was a sad exaggeration cuz normally there's about 20... but... yesterday... I think literally 10 people showed up) but it was actually kind of nice. We all sat in a circle... and I was reminded of the very first time Anderson and I went to young adult fellowship the week after we got married. We all sat in a circle in that same room and played a game where we were supposed to describe ourselves using the letter of the alphabet that randomly fell on us in the order we were sitting. I remember that I got the letter "w" and I couldn't think of anything... and someone suggested... "wife". I had only been a wife for a few days at that point and that realization brought me a wave of awe, wonder... and joy. Yesterday, the memory brought me on the verge of tears as we sat in the circle reminiscent of that day... and what pushed me over was the lyrics to the song we sang...

there is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long and find
there is none like You

I couldn't sing anymore. I just let the tears fall. I remember singing this song in high school... and wondering when I'd find the ONE. When would I ever say those words to someone else? And the realization that I had found the one and THE One. I found them both in each other. Jesus worked it out that I would find Anderson... and Anderson and his death paved the way for me to find Jesus in the most powerful way possible. So many memories... so many thoughts and realizations... good thing I came prepared with tissues in my pocket. Bad thing I foolishly wore eyeliner. And mascara. But I think the mascara held up pretty well.

Anyway... so I pretty much cried through the entire time I was talking. When I'm crying, I barely know what I'm saying. Stuff just kinda comes out of my mouth and I have almost no memory of what's said. Kinda like how they say you remember nothing after getting versed... crying makes me say weird things... and it's also a sedative cuz it makes me really tired afterwards.

A few other things had been on my heart too. A couple friends going through some rough patches, dealing with my own transitions and changes, loss and readjustment... so yeah. What a week. It's barely Friday too. Back to work tonight...

Main thing though... I'm really thankful. Everything worked out for the good... I got a chance to do something nice for someone... someone else got a chance to be my saving grace... I got my sharing done with... and an hour and a half ago, I finished my debate intro. I made a bunch of flowers this week and I got to wear 2 of them today. Flowers make me happy and they also make me feel pretty. I'm such a girl. Anyway, I'm really happy. I'm very much at peace. And I just realized that I'm also pretty tired. Thanks for reading if you got this far... just ramblings today.

Day 261 - Comfort... my people

I wanted to include these pics in the last blog post but I forgot to put them in so I figured I'd just wait til the next one.


Those were happy times. I feel like I've already forgotten what it felt like to be back there... but it doesn't mean that I've forgotten what it feels like to be happy. I look at us and it feels like a lifetime ago.

Underneath those smiles... could you have seen the heartache? the fear? the brain tumor that threatened to destroy the love that I had waited a lifetime for?

For those few days, we put all of that on hold and simply celebrated our union and enjoyed the life we still had to share. Thank you to those of you who still read this... who made it out on such short notice... who gave so willingly, so lavishly, and so sacrificially to gift us our wedding. I had never seen unity of God's people shine so brightly than those few days last year. Magical.



A quote from my Bible reading guide:

There is a direct connection between what we believe and how we behave.

A quote from Streams in the Desert:

There is a perfect passivity that is not laziness. It is a living stillness born of trust. Quiet tension is not trust but simply compressed anxiety.

How do you know by looking at someone whether or not they are in perfect passivity or quiet tension? Can you tell by the look on their face? Can you tell by their actions? I think only God knows what's happening on the inside. Glimpses may arise here and there but two people can do the exact same thing and one person's heart is fully wholesome and the other might be quietly resentful. Both may have a smile on the exterior. You really can't know completely, therefore you really can't judge accurately.

I had a "moment" the other day at work. A large part of what I do as a nurse is assess. I take notice of things and I ask questions accordingly. I had a patient who was wiping their face with a wet towel the first time I came into the room. I took notice. I was in the patient's room again at a later time... slowly pushing a medication into the IV. I was standing there for maybe a minute or two and I noticed that she had found some tissue to wipe her face with instead of the towel. Since I was standing there, I asked her how long her eyes had been watery. She said, "not long". And then she blew her nose. And then it dawned on me that while I had been assessing for symptoms of disease processes and physiologic abnormalities, I had failed to realize the emotional significance of the lacrimal leakage. My patient was crying.

DUH.

In my defense, it was more like a slow leak rather than convulsion-inducing sobs. After I realized my silly goof, I moved away from physiological assessment into psychosocial mode... I became a normal person again for her. I apologized and asked if she would like to talk. She declined. I could tell over the course of my shift that it took her a little while to warm up to me and then she started asking me questions. Among other things, she asked if I was married. I said no. She asked if I was dating. I said no. She said, "good". (err?) I said that I was married before. And she said, "oh then you know what I'm talking about". And then I got kinda sad as she revealed little bits and pieces of herself to me. I never would have known though, had I not asked, had she not responded... had she not been leaking from her eyes.

My heart went out to her but I'm not sure if she could tell. There is a direct connection between what we believe and how we behave but how it's received... it's hard to say whether or not the message gets across. Between me and God though... I know I cared for her and so does He. And that gives me peace.

I found out yesterday that one of my classmates passed away in a car accident last week. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I knew there was a spot in the middle of my chest that felt a little heavier than normal, but I did not cry. It felt a little bit like being stuck. Having feelings but not really knowing what they were or what to do about them. A few hours later... I read this:

The all-wise God, who controls the universe, always knows what is best.

We are tempted at times to think that death has come at the wrong time, especially when a child is left without a mother, or when children die at a young age. Familiar as we are with death, the ways of God regarding it often seem strange to us. But, without a doubt, God never abandons His children. By faith He leads us to look beyond our grief and trust in His wisdom and His tender love to comfort our broken spirit. Wherefore comfort one another with these words (I Thess. 4:18).

Death for the Christian is a promotion from this world's suffering to a welcome home by our wonderful Lord. Soon, God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away (Rev. 21:4).

At times we all need comfort. This is especially true during experiences of distress and grief when a loved one dies. Those of us who have lost loved ones know what a word of compassion can mean. As we see others suffering, let us also remember that our Heavenly Father has commanded: Comfort . . . My people (Is. 40:1).

Last, but not least, the death of loved ones makes heaven all the more precious for we who remain. Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints (Ps. 116:15). The words of our Savior are most comforting: Let not your heart be troubled. . . . I will come again, and receive you unto Myself; that where I am, there ye may be also (John 14:1,3).

I felt better after reading this. It helped put into words the emotions I felt. Some counter-intuitive blend of flesh and spirit... sadness and peace... the desire to reach out and hold back all at the same time. Now that it's mostly identified... what happens next will put into action what I believe.

I don't think I can provide much as far as words of comfort for every person I encounter who's mourning a loss. I wasn't even that close to this classmate who passed away, but something in me wants to do something for her family... or something... I haven't figured out yet what to do. Regardless of whether or not I have the right words or the perfect card or the timely touch... I have within me a heart of compassion that moves with the ebb and flow of the people, the situations and the circumstances around me... while remaining anchored to the Rock to which I cling.

K. Tired. Sleep. Then back to the hospital. Sleep. Then back to the hospital again.

Day 257 - Never say never

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to write. I just wanted to write a little bit about... hope.

I never thought that I'd be widowed at 27. I never thought that anyone would ever call me a "people person". I never thought that I was beautiful. I never thought I'd EVER be labeled an extrovert on Myers Briggs. I never thought that my heart would break so often for others... for strangers. I never thought that I'd love or be loved so lavishly. I never thought I'd experience raging passion or joy. I never thought that life could be so vibrant, exciting, or beautiful. I thought that things that take your breath away only existed in fairy tales or movies. I never thought that I would actually experience any of it.

There were so very many things I'd never thought I'd be, I'd have, I'd experience. There was a time in my life where I had the mentality that this is who I am... if you don't like it, don't be around me. Suck it up cuz this is who I am. I'm harsh. I'm brutally honest and abrasive. I will plow over you if you get in my way. I don't care about you or your weaknesses or failures, I have my mission and it's gonna get done whether you like it or not, whether you contribute or not, whether you feel like it or not. I will work, work, work until the wee hours of the morning to get stuff done. I will give 500% because that's the way I am and that is what I do. Have you ever seen The Proposal? Cold, heartless, scary, dragon lady. This is who I am so suck it up or get out of my way.

I'm not sure if you saw it. You may have seen glimpses of it. Maybe you were one of those people who stayed out of my way for most of my life. I think I probably gave off that vibe. I wonder why people were even friends with me. Baffles me to this day.

I wrote once a while ago about veggie friends and fruit friends on Day 4.

Another friend and I were emailing about our similar personality traits and also those who are completely opposite of us... those people who are liked and loved almost immediately when people meet them (like Anderson)... compared to us who are more acquired tastes and take a lot longer for people to warm up to us. I compared us to fruits and vegetables. Everyone likes fruits... they're pretty, they're sweet, just plain yummy and they're good for you right up front. Not everyone likes vegetables. They're generally uglier, tough, rough, and bitter-tasting, but they are also... good for you. They just need to be cooked first.

If you knew Anderson, you'd definitely agree that he was patient and persistent with gentle speech. And if you know me from the outside, I'm more indifferent with rigid defenses. He was my knife and my slow cooker.... cutting me up and softening me so I'd be suitable to "eat". I miss him. I miss him a lot.

I pretty much had resigned to thinking that I was and always would be a veggie friend. Ppl only hung around me because they knew I was good for them, but no one ever really liked me for much else. Even as a cooked veggie... I might be suitable to eat, but I never thought that I'd be a fruit friend to anyone.

I really don't know what Anderson saw in me. It obviously took a special set of eyes to see past who I was to who I could be. I don't even know if I'd changed all that much for him while he was still alive. I've come a long way since his passing and I know I'd come a long way prior to it. Here's something he wrote me about 7 months before we were engaged.

I love everything about you. Everything. And i mean it. You can be "mean", but you're like a good teacher that someone eventually learns to appreciate within time. You can be blunt, but you're honest. i always tell you to do things out of love... and you have. We've come a long way darling... and I look forward to going a long ways with you still.

In thinking back to who I was, I see that I am still the same person... just without all the baggage. I didn't become a dragon lady overnight. It was the result of a lifetime of baggage from hurts, betrayals, and disappointments. The control-freakiness stemmed from being let down repeatedly by other people so I tried so hard to control my circumstances to control my outcomes. My life was driven by my experiences... by what I could see, feel, hear, touch and by what I'd known had happened in the past. Because I'd never let go of each and every hurt... I made the next person pay for the hurt that someone had done in the past. How extremely unlovable, ungracious, and unforgiving. I did this even to Anderson. All the baggage from my past relationships... I made him pay for. I clung to him for dear life because of my fear of abandonment. I questioned his actions and his motives and assumed his selfishness because... that's what I'd experienced in the past. It took a man with very broad shoulders and extraordinary strength to slowly pick at my burdens and carry them so I wouldn't have to anymore. And even Anderson... who bore the sorrow and burdens of myself, his sister, his mother, and his father... whose extraordinary strength allowed him to press on and fight because we couldn't bear to give him up just yet... even he had his limits. But Jesus doesn't. There is nothing He cannot handle, no load He cannot lift, no emotion He hasn't experienced and conquered. Anderson carried me until he couldn't anymore... and now Jesus is carrying me the rest of the way home.

It took throwing me into a raging inferno to free me the burdens I'd bound myself with. Anderson helped me let go of a few burdens as gently as was humanly possible. Some things were so ingrained... carried around for so long that they just permanently attached themselves to me, restricting my movement, restricting my freedom. Junk that wasn't meant to be there. I wanted to let go of it but I couldn't... not on my own.

I don't know how or why God decided that I, of all people, had to be thrown into the fiery furnace that was my life in 2009. I do see how He had orchestrated much of my life since I graduated high school to prepare me for 2009. You know what... I might even have asked for it. I might have asked for God to draw me to Him and this is what I got. I do, however, thank God for it. All the heartache, the pain, the tears, the suffering... I'm thankful for it all... not for those things in and of themselves, but for what was produced as a result of them. My burdens and my shackles that had weighed me down needed to be burned off so that I could be free to be who I was meant to be... and who I was created to be is a lover of Christ, conforming to His likeness, taking up my cross daily and following Him with all I've got. And I have never been happier.

Joy inexpressible is possible. Perfect peace. Contentment. Freedom. Faith. Purpose. Meaning. Love. All are possible. Even the greatest loss of my life... my husband... is not really a loss at all... just a break... a momentary pause. I've been promised to see him again and spend an eternity with him because the same Jesus whose blood covered my sins also covered Anderson's. Jesus has made it all possible... to give us all a future and a hope... and life everlasting. What is a few more decades in light of eternity? Even to replace my heart of stone with a heart that beats, that cares, that gives... all possible through Christ. I have no doubt in my mind Whose I am. And I have no doubt that He who has begun a good work in me will complete it. I've come a long way and I'm not done yet. That gives me hope and I hope it does for you too. And if you want it, you can have it. Never say never.

Day 255 - Words

Haven't had many big thoughts in the past few days... just lots of little ones.

A few words have stuck in my mind lately.

1. Evaluation. def. (Merriam-Webster): the act of determining the significance, worth or condition of usually by careful appraisal or study.

I think I've always been a fan of evaluation. You really can't improve until you've evaluated. You don't know your starting point until your baseline's been evaluated. Google forms has been an awesome evaluation tool... time stamped and everything. I feel like I spend a lot of time in evaluation nowadays... evaluation of life, purpose, priorities, reactions, emotions... where my heart is or where I think it is at the moment. I learn a lot from my reactions to things. Talk is cheap, but when I look at knee-jerk reactions, it really reveals what's important in my heart... and usually, it's not very worthwhile or honorable. But honest evaluation yields the best diagnosis and the best course of action. Beginning to realize my starting point of shame and humility for the utter depravity of my sin nature is probably the best medium for which God can begin to do His work in me.

2. Pervasive. def: diffused through every part of

Someone made a comment to me a week or so ago... how they were sad that things I run into nowadays still trigger memories and hopes about Anderson. That thought made me evaluate it and myself. I like interacting with people for this very reason... it spurs evaluation. It deepens my understanding of myself and of others. Going back to the comment... is it really sad? I don't think so but maybe that's just me. And as far as "still"... I don't know if I will ever escape from the memories or things that will trigger them. I think they will always be there. Anderson was not just a component of my life... we were one. He wasn't just a stage of life that I just pass through and graduate from... He was as much a part of me as I was him. It's a strange phenomenon... the oneness that occurs between a husband and a wife. He is a part of me and he always will be. And I never want to forget it.

3. Remarkable. def: worthy of being or likely to be noticed especially as being uncommon or extraordinary

I've been caring for more cancer patients lately, which means I'm exposed to a broader spectrum of people and how they cope with their disease and their lives. I wish I had more time to sit and talk with them. There are people who remain pleasant, there are people who seem to give up hope. I guess... when I was in that situation, it was the obvious and easy choice for me... to stay by his side, to love with all I had to love, to give up every part of me for him. I'm starting to see that it's not that easy for some other people. Dealing with catastrophic loss and premature separation... are the types of things that either make or break people... and I think mostly it tends to break people. I guess I'm really appreciating how remarkable Anderson truly was in his fight... in his life. He tried his all to live... to live for me, for his family... he sacrificed a lot and he went all out. I married a truly remarkable man. I am honored to have been his other half... in fact, he probably more than upgraded me by inviting me into his life. My life is better now because of him and because of God. Submission to both of them have made my life remarkable simply by being who they are.

4. Bittersweet. Def: something that is bittersweet (I hate it when they use the word in the definition... I don't know how anyone would think that it would be remotely enlightening to define the word by repeating the word); especially : pleasure alloyed with pain

Is there something about suffering that produces godly character? I always wonder if there are people out there who don't have to learn the hard way. In fact, I have great respect for people who can learn a lesson simply on the theoretical principle of it... without learning through the negative feedback of experience. Is suffering necessary? I don't know if it's necessary but I think everyone undergoes suffering in their life; whether it be suffering through a bad hair day or suffering through the loss of a loved one. I guess there are always choices you can make... you can choose to complain about it... you can choose to accept it... I'm sure there are many other choices I could possibly make, but I haven't really thought it through completely. Somehow, I usually can narrow things down to 2 choices and it's usually comes between choosing what I desire and choosing what God desires. How did this come from the word, "bittersweet"? Hm. I don't remember what I wanted to write when I started this paragraph. The greatest pain of my life has brought about the greatest pleasure as well... and the extent and magnitude of the pleasure far outweighs the pain. So I guess... the bitterness enhances the sweetness. The bitterness that comes before, ends in the a sweetness that is so much more appreciated. Bitterness on its own is not well-tolerated... sometimes the sweetness helps get through the bitterness.

Hm. OK. Just random vague thoughts for today.