Amazed

I have no idea what I'm going to write about.  It's been so long since I've written that there are sooooo very many things I've had thoughts about... that... I really don't think anything I write will be very cohesive or make much sense but I just wanted to write anyway.  I wanted to write... because I miss you.  I hope you haven't missed me too much. 

Let's see... lately... I've been... very busy.  If I'm not at work, I've been out and about in Southern California seeing very many beautiful faces and eating some very lovely edibles.  I'm sorry if I haven't seen your beautiful face lately.  I'll try to get around to it but let me know how you can help me see you more easily.  If not, just email me and I'll get back to you when I can.  Thank you for all your well-wishes, thoughts, and random emails here and there, btw.  I really enjoy getting them so please do keep sending them. 

I think... I've just been so amazed lately.  Sometimes I feel like... the more people I encounter, the more things I learn, the more I experience... the more amazed I am.  And I've been so excited lately... to be amazed and to look fwd to more amazing things. 

I really enjoy meeting up with people... talking to people... being exposed to new and different things.  I hate to call it comparing, but it really does... make me confront the differences that I see when I compare myself to others... the way I think to the way others think... the situations they encounter versus the ones I do... and I love it. 

I do wonder though... when you read my writing... does it sound like I'm bragging? Does it sound like I'm faking?  I wonder how my writing is perceived... I wonder how I'm perceived in person.  Whenever I used to see really happy people... I don't think my first inclination was to be encouraged by them.  I think my first inclination was to be jealous of them.  And then I'd wonder if they were REALLY truly happy or if they were faking it.  I let my cynicism and disbelief hinder and alter my attitudes towards other people.  I wonder if that happens to others... and I wonder if I've now become the object whereas I used to be the giver.  Or vice versa.  Or I'm confusing myself with my words.  I mean to ask if the tables have now turned.  Moving on.

This was the last time I was in San Diego before this past week.  It was 2003.  We had just started dating and I brought him to "the cliffs".  I didn't know what the official name of the location was at the time.  I still don't remember it. I needed a lot of help getting there a few days ago... but I found it.  Cousinish asked me if I was going to bring some ashes.  I thought that was a brilliant idea. 

So Anderson and I went to the cliffs again... 7 years later... well me and then husband in a ziploc snack bag.  Seriously.  How many people can say... "oh.. yeah... my husband's ashes are in my beach bag in a ziploc snack bag.  Hope he doesn't spill!"  Even in comparing the pictures... I'm so not used to being... so... solo.  But what a beautiful day to be in San Diego.  Beautiful blue sky and beautiful blue water.  Ahh.  So lovely. 

I also changed my facebook profile picture.  The hat and sunglasses are pretty indicative of how you might find me on my days off nowadays.  The hats might just become my new "thing".  Seems like I have so many pictures with hats lately.  Strange.  But I really like the hat.  Anyway... it was a big thing for me to... be solo in my facebook picture.  I've only ever had profile pics with him in it ever since I started having a facebook.  It's all very... new and different for me.

Life nowadays is very new and different.  I really have to sit hard and remember what life was like before... and I realized a few weeks ago... how much I've truly forgotten.  I went back and read some of the things I wrote a year ago and... I was like... "oh YEAH!"  because I had really forgotten that he used to say that or that we used to do that... or that such and such happened.  I'm SO glad I wrote so hard core back then.  My forgetfulness is probably one of the things that is a great asset given my situation, but also... it makes me sad.  Hard to reconcile the two... to be thankful for something but also sad about it at the same time.  But... I guess it's better for moving on... that some things kind of just... faded.  I don't know.  What do you think?

So... I know that this might come across as a little bit egotistical... but it really isn't.  It's just plain amazing to me.  I'm so "different" now ... that some people don't even recognize me.  Someone who hadn't seen me in a few years... said that I looked so different... "radiant" is what he said.  Very surprising.  It's also very surprising to me when I walk into a patient's room and one of the first things that someone says to me is "you're so pretty".  What in the world is going on here?  I never thought I was completely ugly but I have never been so hit with so many of these kinds of comments about my appearance.  Here's one... that I totally attribute to this patient's having a ridiculously high ammonia level... but when I walked into the room, he said, "you're just as beautiful this week as you were last week.  you could be a model".  Goodness gracious now.  That is pushing it.  Who knew ammonia could be so flattering?

I don't think there is any possible way that I could ever get an unbiased opinion as to what in the world is going on nowadays.  If anyone were to ask me if I thought they'd gotten prettier... I'd say, OF COURSE, BEAUTIFUL!  And if it were not true, I... don't think I'd say so.  I would still tell them that they are beautiful because they are.  And I'm one of the most honest people I've come across.  If I can't give it to anyone straight, then I don't know who would give it to ME straight.  Plus.  No one messes with the widow.  What kind of person would tell the widow she's ugly even if it were true?  A very horrible one.  And I don't know horrible people. 

The only difference I can think of... between then and now... is that... I'm living in and really enjoying God and life to the fullest.  And perhaps it shows.  On the outside.  And then that makes me delighted that maybe my greatest desire... my longest-standing goal for myself... was that the fruit of the Spirit would be outwardly evident in my life.  That I wouldn't have to convince anyone of anything.  That they would look at me and see... in my life... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.  I don't know if all of those are completely true but... maybe a few of them.  Hopefully at least the joy and peace.  Maybe kindness?  Love? 

I had a thought today.  I can't remember where exactly I had this thought... but I know I've thought about it before.  About the fruit of the Spirit.  I know a lot of people decide to choose one fruit and then work on it.  That always makes me wonder... about how they're trying to go about getting the fruit.  If you want fruit on a tree... how do you get it there?  Do you buy the fruit and then tape it on the tree?  Or hang it on the tree with a hook?  That's not real.  That fruit... will fall off.  That fruit is not genuinely of the tree... it's artificially placed there.  You need to... cultivate the tree and the fruit will result naturally.  The list of fruit isn't a grocery store check-off list.  It's something that you look at... you compare yourself to... and when you realize what's lacking... you go back, search your heart... and look for what areas in your life you have not allowed the Spirit to infiltrate, sanctify, and then grow fruit in. 

And then I thought about... how legalism... about how trying to have these fruit without first cultivating the tree from which it should be growing from... is a little bit like... a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree... is not living.  It is dead.  It is kept alive for a little while... but water and chemicals in a bucket.  There are no roots anymore.  But... it kinda looks alive for a while.  And then all those decorations... those things that people collect that make you look like a "good Christian"... they're like... ornaments.  Maybe they're pretty.  Maybe they're expensive.  Maybe it looks so good on the outside, but... in actuality... it's not really a part of the tree.  It's just hanging on it.  Could fall off.  Could be taken off.  Could break.  Trying to pursue fruit is almost like just putting an ornament on your Christmas tree... and then being sad when it falls off... being frustrated at having to put it back on... having it fall off... etc. etc.  A vicious cycle.  It is not a part of you.  It is just an ornament put on for others to see. 

The real fruit... is grown.  And the real fruit is not just colorful for others to see... it is mean to be plucked, given, and possibly eaten.  It is reproducing.  When you pluck one... another one can grow back in its place.  And it's almost... effortless.  The Living Water which supplies life to this tree... the Sun which provides the catalyst for the reactions that create energy... make this tree grow and produce fruit.  It's SO not about pursuing the fruit.  It's about pursuing the Living Water and the Sun.  If the Spirit is in you... the fruit will grow and develop naturally.  It is its fruit.  Fruit of the Spirit.  Makes sense, ya?  :)  Not a perfect analogy.  But hope it helps. 

And I really, really appreciated being able to go to church today.  I only get to go every other week so the Sundays that I make it to church are VERY special to me.  And, may I just say, that I have not been disappointed yet.  Every single week, there has been something amazing that has happened.  This week was no exception.  Being a newcomer at a new church... has its own set of difficulties.  I had been at my old church since I was 6 years old.  I knew that church inside and out.  If I wanted to do something about something... I'd just do it and I knew how to do it.  It is not so anymore.  I'm the newbie.  The lost one.  The confused one.  The one that people have to stop and explain things to.  Definitely not used to it.  But... it's OK. 

And I had some very lovely realizations today... about how much God loves me and how much God KNOWS me and how He says and does things out of such love and kindness for me that I can barely contain it.  I'm so delighted.  I'm so challenged.  I love feeling like this.  It's... so amazing and so different.  I want everyone else to feel it too!  So... random series of events left me car-less this Sunday.  I asked... for a ride to church... and I received.  That, in and of itself, is amazing to me.  So very thankful!  And not only that... I was getting picked up at 8:30am to make it to church for first session.  If I were to drive myself, I'd probably just go straight to second session at 11am.  But... I really think God wanted me in first session.  So he arranged it for me. 

So I got to church at 9... felt like a little kid being taken by someone else with a car.  Ran into someone in the parking lot who was going to class.  Didn't know which class.  Ended up following him into a random class.  Saw Julia.  Sadly ditched that dude and went to hug Julia and sat down at her table.  And... even though I walked into class... unprepared... I was SO very blessed to have been there.  The lesson was on gospel Christianity... love and friendships.  I loved the 3 presentations of the gospel.  It felt like... he diagrammed my thoughts and made everything all so clear.  And then went through pitfalls... too much time with friends and also too little time.  I think I've been struggling with spending too much time with friends and not enough time resting.  So it was a good encouragement for me to cool it a little... spend some time at home and REST.  And at the very end... he taught back my own retreat messages to me in one circular diagram derived from John.

No greater love than to lay down your life for your friends and Jesus is the only One who's done that for me.
If you love me, do what I command... love one another as I have loved You. 
Love the Lord your God with all your heart.
Loving God results in greater love.  And back around again. 

God loves us.  We love God.  We love others.  When things are in that order... all is right.  All is beautiful.  So delightful!  It was like reminding me to practice what I preach.  Not only to have it in my head, but to have it in my heart and also to have it come out in the work of my hands.  Completeness.  In that order.  Man.  SO GOOD. 

And I've also been reminded lately of my goals.  A beautiful someone asked me a few days ago... why I left FCBC.  She listened to my super long explanation.  And it reminded me.  It reminded me why I left.  It reminded me what I still needed to work on.  And one of the things I still needed to work on was to get to know the leadership at Cornerstone.  And part of being new... part of being lost... was... not knowing how to go about doing that.  BUT.  God takes care of that for me too.

Last time I went to church... God sovereignly had me sit at a table with one of the wives of the sunday school teachers.  And I got to share with her a little bit more about me.  :)  This time, I actually got a chance to meet one of the pastor's wives... who met me a long time ago at Disneyland... who had read my blog before... who had been praying for me.  And we had such a beautiful chat.  OK more like I chatted and she listened beautifully.  But... that... in and of itself... was like... wow.  God is taking care of the desires of my heart... one by one and I really didn't even have to work that hard at it.  All I did was say, "Hi... can I talk to you?"  And everything fell into place from there.  Because I talked to the wives, I actually met their husbands formally today.  They might not remember my name next time but... a handshake is a very good start.  And their wives will remember my face at least if not my name.  This is excellent progress!  I'm amazed at how quickly things can progress!  God is so amazing. 

I'm so excited about so many things but I'm also SO tired.  I'll try to write more later and not wait like 3 weeks until I post again.

Lots of thoughts about Jonah.  Want to write them down.  Maybe later. 

<3,
Tiff

Starshine. Captivated.

So many thoughts.  They're not all cohesive but I need to get them out otherwise they'll crowd my mind.

I actually started blogging a few days ago but I never got around to finishing.  This week was pretty special.  I got a chance to sit at the park... twice.  It was a beautiful time.  OK.  Here's what I started writing a few days ago:

2 books, my journal, a pen, my hat.  At the park... my inanimate companions and I... bask together in the glory of the sun. 

After I was done having my alone time at the park... I turned to walk back home and a guy who was playing with his remote control helicopter... smiled at me and apologized for disturbing my quiet time.  I said, "oh, no worries" and walked on.

While I was walking home from Starshine Park... I looked around... it was so bright... so sunny... the wind blowing gently through my hair... a few birds chirping cheerfully in the distance... and I thought to myself... "life is beautiful".  Was life always this beautiful?  Yes, probably.  It was me who either wasn't paying attention... wasn't looking, wasn't hearing... wasn't perceiving the beauty and the glory that existed all around me. 

A few blogs ago, a very good friend left this comment. It made me think.

i've seen you cry; i've seen you laugh; but mostly i've seen God be incredible for you this year...and He just keeps getting better, doesn't He? =)

I totally agreed when I first read it.  He does keep getting better.  Life keeps getting better and better.  More vibrant.  More colorful.  But I was thinking it through with another very good friend and I realized that it wasn't really that God keeps getting better or life keeps getting brighter or more beautiful... it's that my eyes, heart, mind, spirit... have been opening up more and more in order to see and receive all the beauty and glory around me.  He IS and He always was... He will always be.  It is me who does the changing.

^{Romans 1:20}For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

I've found myself... having... moments of captivation lately.

I remember first feeling awestruck and captivated when I was staring at this fountain a few months ago. The shapes that water can make/take... it's... unbelievably amazing. 

And again in the tiki room... when the fountain thing goes up up up in the middle... I can't really remember what was going on.  I'm always in the tiki room eating a dole whip... and I'm mostly in there to eat the dole whip in air conditioning and not really for the tiki room.  But I remember... staring at the water... it looked like the water was pushing the little platform high up into the middle of the room, but I know in my head that there's probably a clear plastic pipe out of which the water is flowing out that is supporting the platform with the singing/talking artificial birds or whatever it is that's on that thing.  Water.  Fountains.  Amaze me. 

And then again as I was sitting by this stream in Bakersfield as I was watching the ripples and the waves... the little bit of foam that forms as water moves and bubbles on its way downstream... the gentle lap of the water pushing and pulling on the pebbles on the shore... the pebbles sort of float... but they sort of don't... it's a seemingly benign force but it is a quiet power that is ever-so-slowly smoothing out and wearing down the sharp edges of the little rocks who just happened to be at that particular location... turning them into sand... oh those poor little rocks, getting smoother and smaller... at the mercy of the magical water which somehow flows by and keeps flowing by... I just imagine little molecules of water... cohesively... holding hands... pulling one another... that-a-way.. somewhere they do not know... but they hold on and follow the molecule before them and journey together.  The bonds are tight enough but loose enough... in perfect balance... hm. lost my train of thought.

Don't ask me what's up with the hats lately.  I've been loving the hats. It's the shade that follows me wherever I go... whatever direction I look.  It's marvelous. 

And I was captivated again when I was transferring laundry detergent from the big bottle of Tide (through the spigot) to a smaller bottle.  I was watching the viscous fluid fall out of the spigot... I knew it was moving... but it looked solid and motionless. Like a clear, blue pillar... and then when I release the button... it cuts off cleanly and abruptly... and the remnant is sucked away by gravity and the pillar ceases to be. The movement of fluids... amazes me. 

Are you tired of hearing me rave about fluids?  OK one more fluid and I'll move on... blood. 

I did a super nerdy thing.  I (with my co-worker) put myself on the monitor and I analyzed my own heart rhythm.  I was... so amazed. I was delighted...and awestruck. One of my co-workers asked me... "what does [the EKG] mean?" and I proceeded to explain to him that the EKG is a graphical representation of the electrical impulses that flow through the heart which correspond to physiological actions that work to pump blood cyclically through our bodies. HA.  OK I don't talk like that. And there just might be errors in there. It's just how I understand it in my head. I did mention the part about the electricity.  And I think I explained it more like... "blood goes around and around through our bodies"... I looked around and found a picture of the heart and pointed "these are the atria and these are the ventricles.  This wave represents when the atria contract, then it pushes blood into the ventricle, and then this part represents when the ventricles contract and push blood to the lungs and also to the rest of the body".  I think I might have lost him at "aorta".  But it's OK.  As I was explaining it... I was so amazed and... just captivated by the wonder and "magic" of it all. Blood... it carries nutrients, it delivers oxygen, it picks up oxygen... it fills your vessels... the big ones, the microscopic ones... it has all kinds of things dissolved in it... and it flows... it's multi-functional... and our bodies are designed in such a way that it not only creates new blood and removes old blood ... the old components are broken down and reused to make new stuff... our bodies recycle! How very efficient! How resourceful!  It's genius by design.  Utter and absolute GENIUS.  GOD is GENIUS. 

Her picture of me was filtered through eyes of love. -Ann Spangler

It's quite amazing to me... how love opens your eyes to the amazing.  It really seems quite... miraculous that any one person can love any other person... more specifically... that anyone would love me. There is love between friends... and then there is the love between... lovers.  I've struggled all my life with loving and being loved by just friends... that to have someone else look at me, friendless lonely me... and see past all the walls and the barbed wire that kept people away... all the way to the heart of me... is simply remarkable.  The ways in which Anderson loved me... amazed me... it still amazes me.  Every single thing about me... he loved.  I could see it in his eyes.  I could see it in the ways he laughed... at me... but not in a mean way... in a way that told me that he delighted in me.  And there were times that I looked at him... watched him... noticed the little quirks and nuances that came out in the ways he did things and my heart couldn't help but smile. I loved discovering those things about him.  I think I might have been (and still might be) infinitely more bizarre and weird than he ever was.  I'm SO THANKFUL that those things he discovered about me were things that made him love me more... rather than made him turn away in disgust.  That's what happens, I guess... when you look at someone through the eyes of love.  You're not scrutinizing for flaws or faults... you're discovering all the little things that make you fall in love with them more and more.

I've found that it is that way between lovers... and it is the same way between me and God.  The more I learn of Him, the more I love Him, the more I want to learn of Him... the more I love Him... for infinity. 

When you pray to Yahweh Yireh, you are praying to the God who sees the situation beforehand and is able to provide for your needs. -Ann Spangler

I'm reading through the Old Testament again.  I've written maybe a few times before about God's tenderness towards widows and how it really speaks to me.  Lately... in the spirit of thankfulness I've been experiencing... I've been thanking God immensely for His heart for me... in preparing me for the storms I would endure... and also for life after being widowed.

I was reading in Isaiah 10:2... that widows may be their prey...

and I became immediately thankful that I am a widow in this day and age.  Back in the olden times... women couldn't work... they were completely reliant on the men in their household... no men... no livelihood.  Their own existence depended on the mercy and kindness of those around them.  No protector, no bread winner. God's heart is soft and tender for the unprotected.

And then... once again... I was thankful that I am a nurse.  I had dinner with a lovely lady a few days ago who is trying to decide what career path to take.  I was super thankful that I really didn't need to decide much.  I was thankful that the path was laid out for me and all I had to do was walk on it.  It was pretty nearly a downhill slide for me to get my prereq's done, to get into a nursing program (because I only applied to one), and the timing perfectly coincided with Anderson's situation... my career perfectly prepared me to care for my dying husband... my husband's health condition perfectly kept my nursing mind and skills active when I took a leave of absence from school... and now in the aftermath... nursing continues to provide for me... it's giving me opportunities to push and stretch myself, personally, mentally, and emotionally... and what's super nice is that at the same time... it's providing for me financially.  It really, truly is God's gift to me.  He foresaw all my needs... beyond the physical... beyond the financial... He really saw ALL my needs and gave me the absolutely perfectly tailored gift to provide for me as a woman, as a wife... and now as a widow. 

How did He know?  Because He is God.  He just... does.  He's Yahweh Yireh.  He's coooooool, man. 

OK I think maybe I'll just stop here.  I wanted to write more about God and His promises and His faithfulness... but perhaps I'll save it for another day/night...

I don't know if this quote (below) will make sense to you... but it encourages me.  My life is beautifully resting in the peaceful, grassy valleys right now. I take a <5 minute walk to Starshine Park... a little pocket of neatly manicured "nature" in the paragon of Californian suburbia (did I use that word right?)... and I contemplate life... God's creation... I meet God through my big fat book... sitting on the grass... marveling at the wonders all around me... and I seriously thank God for gifting me not only with nursing... but with all the hardships and difficulties that have brought me to a place where I am full-on, passionately... radiantly... undeniably... captivated by His love and all that has come from it.  Now... I long for more.  If this is the outcome... pour on more reagent... bring me through more tears, heartache, and pain... if it will further clear my eyesight to see You more... lead me there.  The mountain is high, but the view from the top is breath-takingly... captivating. 

If you always choose the easy way, asking for the peaceful valleys, you will never see God's power displayed to enable you to take a mountain. Seek out the mountains, and you will witness God doing things through your life that can be explained only by His mighty presence. -Blackaby & Blackaby