Starshine. Captivated.

So many thoughts.  They're not all cohesive but I need to get them out otherwise they'll crowd my mind.

I actually started blogging a few days ago but I never got around to finishing.  This week was pretty special.  I got a chance to sit at the park... twice.  It was a beautiful time.  OK.  Here's what I started writing a few days ago:

2 books, my journal, a pen, my hat.  At the park... my inanimate companions and I... bask together in the glory of the sun. 

After I was done having my alone time at the park... I turned to walk back home and a guy who was playing with his remote control helicopter... smiled at me and apologized for disturbing my quiet time.  I said, "oh, no worries" and walked on.

While I was walking home from Starshine Park... I looked around... it was so bright... so sunny... the wind blowing gently through my hair... a few birds chirping cheerfully in the distance... and I thought to myself... "life is beautiful".  Was life always this beautiful?  Yes, probably.  It was me who either wasn't paying attention... wasn't looking, wasn't hearing... wasn't perceiving the beauty and the glory that existed all around me. 

A few blogs ago, a very good friend left this comment. It made me think.

i've seen you cry; i've seen you laugh; but mostly i've seen God be incredible for you this year...and He just keeps getting better, doesn't He? =)

I totally agreed when I first read it.  He does keep getting better.  Life keeps getting better and better.  More vibrant.  More colorful.  But I was thinking it through with another very good friend and I realized that it wasn't really that God keeps getting better or life keeps getting brighter or more beautiful... it's that my eyes, heart, mind, spirit... have been opening up more and more in order to see and receive all the beauty and glory around me.  He IS and He always was... He will always be.  It is me who does the changing.

^{Romans 1:20}For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

I've found myself... having... moments of captivation lately.

I remember first feeling awestruck and captivated when I was staring at this fountain a few months ago. The shapes that water can make/take... it's... unbelievably amazing. 

And again in the tiki room... when the fountain thing goes up up up in the middle... I can't really remember what was going on.  I'm always in the tiki room eating a dole whip... and I'm mostly in there to eat the dole whip in air conditioning and not really for the tiki room.  But I remember... staring at the water... it looked like the water was pushing the little platform high up into the middle of the room, but I know in my head that there's probably a clear plastic pipe out of which the water is flowing out that is supporting the platform with the singing/talking artificial birds or whatever it is that's on that thing.  Water.  Fountains.  Amaze me. 

And then again as I was sitting by this stream in Bakersfield as I was watching the ripples and the waves... the little bit of foam that forms as water moves and bubbles on its way downstream... the gentle lap of the water pushing and pulling on the pebbles on the shore... the pebbles sort of float... but they sort of don't... it's a seemingly benign force but it is a quiet power that is ever-so-slowly smoothing out and wearing down the sharp edges of the little rocks who just happened to be at that particular location... turning them into sand... oh those poor little rocks, getting smoother and smaller... at the mercy of the magical water which somehow flows by and keeps flowing by... I just imagine little molecules of water... cohesively... holding hands... pulling one another... that-a-way.. somewhere they do not know... but they hold on and follow the molecule before them and journey together.  The bonds are tight enough but loose enough... in perfect balance... hm. lost my train of thought.

Don't ask me what's up with the hats lately.  I've been loving the hats. It's the shade that follows me wherever I go... whatever direction I look.  It's marvelous. 

And I was captivated again when I was transferring laundry detergent from the big bottle of Tide (through the spigot) to a smaller bottle.  I was watching the viscous fluid fall out of the spigot... I knew it was moving... but it looked solid and motionless. Like a clear, blue pillar... and then when I release the button... it cuts off cleanly and abruptly... and the remnant is sucked away by gravity and the pillar ceases to be. The movement of fluids... amazes me. 

Are you tired of hearing me rave about fluids?  OK one more fluid and I'll move on... blood. 

I did a super nerdy thing.  I (with my co-worker) put myself on the monitor and I analyzed my own heart rhythm.  I was... so amazed. I was delighted...and awestruck. One of my co-workers asked me... "what does [the EKG] mean?" and I proceeded to explain to him that the EKG is a graphical representation of the electrical impulses that flow through the heart which correspond to physiological actions that work to pump blood cyclically through our bodies. HA.  OK I don't talk like that. And there just might be errors in there. It's just how I understand it in my head. I did mention the part about the electricity.  And I think I explained it more like... "blood goes around and around through our bodies"... I looked around and found a picture of the heart and pointed "these are the atria and these are the ventricles.  This wave represents when the atria contract, then it pushes blood into the ventricle, and then this part represents when the ventricles contract and push blood to the lungs and also to the rest of the body".  I think I might have lost him at "aorta".  But it's OK.  As I was explaining it... I was so amazed and... just captivated by the wonder and "magic" of it all. Blood... it carries nutrients, it delivers oxygen, it picks up oxygen... it fills your vessels... the big ones, the microscopic ones... it has all kinds of things dissolved in it... and it flows... it's multi-functional... and our bodies are designed in such a way that it not only creates new blood and removes old blood ... the old components are broken down and reused to make new stuff... our bodies recycle! How very efficient! How resourceful!  It's genius by design.  Utter and absolute GENIUS.  GOD is GENIUS. 

Her picture of me was filtered through eyes of love. -Ann Spangler

It's quite amazing to me... how love opens your eyes to the amazing.  It really seems quite... miraculous that any one person can love any other person... more specifically... that anyone would love me. There is love between friends... and then there is the love between... lovers.  I've struggled all my life with loving and being loved by just friends... that to have someone else look at me, friendless lonely me... and see past all the walls and the barbed wire that kept people away... all the way to the heart of me... is simply remarkable.  The ways in which Anderson loved me... amazed me... it still amazes me.  Every single thing about me... he loved.  I could see it in his eyes.  I could see it in the ways he laughed... at me... but not in a mean way... in a way that told me that he delighted in me.  And there were times that I looked at him... watched him... noticed the little quirks and nuances that came out in the ways he did things and my heart couldn't help but smile. I loved discovering those things about him.  I think I might have been (and still might be) infinitely more bizarre and weird than he ever was.  I'm SO THANKFUL that those things he discovered about me were things that made him love me more... rather than made him turn away in disgust.  That's what happens, I guess... when you look at someone through the eyes of love.  You're not scrutinizing for flaws or faults... you're discovering all the little things that make you fall in love with them more and more.

I've found that it is that way between lovers... and it is the same way between me and God.  The more I learn of Him, the more I love Him, the more I want to learn of Him... the more I love Him... for infinity. 

When you pray to Yahweh Yireh, you are praying to the God who sees the situation beforehand and is able to provide for your needs. -Ann Spangler

I'm reading through the Old Testament again.  I've written maybe a few times before about God's tenderness towards widows and how it really speaks to me.  Lately... in the spirit of thankfulness I've been experiencing... I've been thanking God immensely for His heart for me... in preparing me for the storms I would endure... and also for life after being widowed.

I was reading in Isaiah 10:2... that widows may be their prey...

and I became immediately thankful that I am a widow in this day and age.  Back in the olden times... women couldn't work... they were completely reliant on the men in their household... no men... no livelihood.  Their own existence depended on the mercy and kindness of those around them.  No protector, no bread winner. God's heart is soft and tender for the unprotected.

And then... once again... I was thankful that I am a nurse.  I had dinner with a lovely lady a few days ago who is trying to decide what career path to take.  I was super thankful that I really didn't need to decide much.  I was thankful that the path was laid out for me and all I had to do was walk on it.  It was pretty nearly a downhill slide for me to get my prereq's done, to get into a nursing program (because I only applied to one), and the timing perfectly coincided with Anderson's situation... my career perfectly prepared me to care for my dying husband... my husband's health condition perfectly kept my nursing mind and skills active when I took a leave of absence from school... and now in the aftermath... nursing continues to provide for me... it's giving me opportunities to push and stretch myself, personally, mentally, and emotionally... and what's super nice is that at the same time... it's providing for me financially.  It really, truly is God's gift to me.  He foresaw all my needs... beyond the physical... beyond the financial... He really saw ALL my needs and gave me the absolutely perfectly tailored gift to provide for me as a woman, as a wife... and now as a widow. 

How did He know?  Because He is God.  He just... does.  He's Yahweh Yireh.  He's coooooool, man. 

OK I think maybe I'll just stop here.  I wanted to write more about God and His promises and His faithfulness... but perhaps I'll save it for another day/night...

I don't know if this quote (below) will make sense to you... but it encourages me.  My life is beautifully resting in the peaceful, grassy valleys right now. I take a <5 minute walk to Starshine Park... a little pocket of neatly manicured "nature" in the paragon of Californian suburbia (did I use that word right?)... and I contemplate life... God's creation... I meet God through my big fat book... sitting on the grass... marveling at the wonders all around me... and I seriously thank God for gifting me not only with nursing... but with all the hardships and difficulties that have brought me to a place where I am full-on, passionately... radiantly... undeniably... captivated by His love and all that has come from it.  Now... I long for more.  If this is the outcome... pour on more reagent... bring me through more tears, heartache, and pain... if it will further clear my eyesight to see You more... lead me there.  The mountain is high, but the view from the top is breath-takingly... captivating. 

If you always choose the easy way, asking for the peaceful valleys, you will never see God's power displayed to enable you to take a mountain. Seek out the mountains, and you will witness God doing things through your life that can be explained only by His mighty presence. -Blackaby & Blackaby