Amazed

I have no idea what I'm going to write about.  It's been so long since I've written that there are sooooo very many things I've had thoughts about... that... I really don't think anything I write will be very cohesive or make much sense but I just wanted to write anyway.  I wanted to write... because I miss you.  I hope you haven't missed me too much. 

Let's see... lately... I've been... very busy.  If I'm not at work, I've been out and about in Southern California seeing very many beautiful faces and eating some very lovely edibles.  I'm sorry if I haven't seen your beautiful face lately.  I'll try to get around to it but let me know how you can help me see you more easily.  If not, just email me and I'll get back to you when I can.  Thank you for all your well-wishes, thoughts, and random emails here and there, btw.  I really enjoy getting them so please do keep sending them. 

I think... I've just been so amazed lately.  Sometimes I feel like... the more people I encounter, the more things I learn, the more I experience... the more amazed I am.  And I've been so excited lately... to be amazed and to look fwd to more amazing things. 

I really enjoy meeting up with people... talking to people... being exposed to new and different things.  I hate to call it comparing, but it really does... make me confront the differences that I see when I compare myself to others... the way I think to the way others think... the situations they encounter versus the ones I do... and I love it. 

I do wonder though... when you read my writing... does it sound like I'm bragging? Does it sound like I'm faking?  I wonder how my writing is perceived... I wonder how I'm perceived in person.  Whenever I used to see really happy people... I don't think my first inclination was to be encouraged by them.  I think my first inclination was to be jealous of them.  And then I'd wonder if they were REALLY truly happy or if they were faking it.  I let my cynicism and disbelief hinder and alter my attitudes towards other people.  I wonder if that happens to others... and I wonder if I've now become the object whereas I used to be the giver.  Or vice versa.  Or I'm confusing myself with my words.  I mean to ask if the tables have now turned.  Moving on.

This was the last time I was in San Diego before this past week.  It was 2003.  We had just started dating and I brought him to "the cliffs".  I didn't know what the official name of the location was at the time.  I still don't remember it. I needed a lot of help getting there a few days ago... but I found it.  Cousinish asked me if I was going to bring some ashes.  I thought that was a brilliant idea. 

So Anderson and I went to the cliffs again... 7 years later... well me and then husband in a ziploc snack bag.  Seriously.  How many people can say... "oh.. yeah... my husband's ashes are in my beach bag in a ziploc snack bag.  Hope he doesn't spill!"  Even in comparing the pictures... I'm so not used to being... so... solo.  But what a beautiful day to be in San Diego.  Beautiful blue sky and beautiful blue water.  Ahh.  So lovely. 

I also changed my facebook profile picture.  The hat and sunglasses are pretty indicative of how you might find me on my days off nowadays.  The hats might just become my new "thing".  Seems like I have so many pictures with hats lately.  Strange.  But I really like the hat.  Anyway... it was a big thing for me to... be solo in my facebook picture.  I've only ever had profile pics with him in it ever since I started having a facebook.  It's all very... new and different for me.

Life nowadays is very new and different.  I really have to sit hard and remember what life was like before... and I realized a few weeks ago... how much I've truly forgotten.  I went back and read some of the things I wrote a year ago and... I was like... "oh YEAH!"  because I had really forgotten that he used to say that or that we used to do that... or that such and such happened.  I'm SO glad I wrote so hard core back then.  My forgetfulness is probably one of the things that is a great asset given my situation, but also... it makes me sad.  Hard to reconcile the two... to be thankful for something but also sad about it at the same time.  But... I guess it's better for moving on... that some things kind of just... faded.  I don't know.  What do you think?

So... I know that this might come across as a little bit egotistical... but it really isn't.  It's just plain amazing to me.  I'm so "different" now ... that some people don't even recognize me.  Someone who hadn't seen me in a few years... said that I looked so different... "radiant" is what he said.  Very surprising.  It's also very surprising to me when I walk into a patient's room and one of the first things that someone says to me is "you're so pretty".  What in the world is going on here?  I never thought I was completely ugly but I have never been so hit with so many of these kinds of comments about my appearance.  Here's one... that I totally attribute to this patient's having a ridiculously high ammonia level... but when I walked into the room, he said, "you're just as beautiful this week as you were last week.  you could be a model".  Goodness gracious now.  That is pushing it.  Who knew ammonia could be so flattering?

I don't think there is any possible way that I could ever get an unbiased opinion as to what in the world is going on nowadays.  If anyone were to ask me if I thought they'd gotten prettier... I'd say, OF COURSE, BEAUTIFUL!  And if it were not true, I... don't think I'd say so.  I would still tell them that they are beautiful because they are.  And I'm one of the most honest people I've come across.  If I can't give it to anyone straight, then I don't know who would give it to ME straight.  Plus.  No one messes with the widow.  What kind of person would tell the widow she's ugly even if it were true?  A very horrible one.  And I don't know horrible people. 

The only difference I can think of... between then and now... is that... I'm living in and really enjoying God and life to the fullest.  And perhaps it shows.  On the outside.  And then that makes me delighted that maybe my greatest desire... my longest-standing goal for myself... was that the fruit of the Spirit would be outwardly evident in my life.  That I wouldn't have to convince anyone of anything.  That they would look at me and see... in my life... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.  I don't know if all of those are completely true but... maybe a few of them.  Hopefully at least the joy and peace.  Maybe kindness?  Love? 

I had a thought today.  I can't remember where exactly I had this thought... but I know I've thought about it before.  About the fruit of the Spirit.  I know a lot of people decide to choose one fruit and then work on it.  That always makes me wonder... about how they're trying to go about getting the fruit.  If you want fruit on a tree... how do you get it there?  Do you buy the fruit and then tape it on the tree?  Or hang it on the tree with a hook?  That's not real.  That fruit... will fall off.  That fruit is not genuinely of the tree... it's artificially placed there.  You need to... cultivate the tree and the fruit will result naturally.  The list of fruit isn't a grocery store check-off list.  It's something that you look at... you compare yourself to... and when you realize what's lacking... you go back, search your heart... and look for what areas in your life you have not allowed the Spirit to infiltrate, sanctify, and then grow fruit in. 

And then I thought about... how legalism... about how trying to have these fruit without first cultivating the tree from which it should be growing from... is a little bit like... a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree... is not living.  It is dead.  It is kept alive for a little while... but water and chemicals in a bucket.  There are no roots anymore.  But... it kinda looks alive for a while.  And then all those decorations... those things that people collect that make you look like a "good Christian"... they're like... ornaments.  Maybe they're pretty.  Maybe they're expensive.  Maybe it looks so good on the outside, but... in actuality... it's not really a part of the tree.  It's just hanging on it.  Could fall off.  Could be taken off.  Could break.  Trying to pursue fruit is almost like just putting an ornament on your Christmas tree... and then being sad when it falls off... being frustrated at having to put it back on... having it fall off... etc. etc.  A vicious cycle.  It is not a part of you.  It is just an ornament put on for others to see. 

The real fruit... is grown.  And the real fruit is not just colorful for others to see... it is mean to be plucked, given, and possibly eaten.  It is reproducing.  When you pluck one... another one can grow back in its place.  And it's almost... effortless.  The Living Water which supplies life to this tree... the Sun which provides the catalyst for the reactions that create energy... make this tree grow and produce fruit.  It's SO not about pursuing the fruit.  It's about pursuing the Living Water and the Sun.  If the Spirit is in you... the fruit will grow and develop naturally.  It is its fruit.  Fruit of the Spirit.  Makes sense, ya?  :)  Not a perfect analogy.  But hope it helps. 

And I really, really appreciated being able to go to church today.  I only get to go every other week so the Sundays that I make it to church are VERY special to me.  And, may I just say, that I have not been disappointed yet.  Every single week, there has been something amazing that has happened.  This week was no exception.  Being a newcomer at a new church... has its own set of difficulties.  I had been at my old church since I was 6 years old.  I knew that church inside and out.  If I wanted to do something about something... I'd just do it and I knew how to do it.  It is not so anymore.  I'm the newbie.  The lost one.  The confused one.  The one that people have to stop and explain things to.  Definitely not used to it.  But... it's OK. 

And I had some very lovely realizations today... about how much God loves me and how much God KNOWS me and how He says and does things out of such love and kindness for me that I can barely contain it.  I'm so delighted.  I'm so challenged.  I love feeling like this.  It's... so amazing and so different.  I want everyone else to feel it too!  So... random series of events left me car-less this Sunday.  I asked... for a ride to church... and I received.  That, in and of itself, is amazing to me.  So very thankful!  And not only that... I was getting picked up at 8:30am to make it to church for first session.  If I were to drive myself, I'd probably just go straight to second session at 11am.  But... I really think God wanted me in first session.  So he arranged it for me. 

So I got to church at 9... felt like a little kid being taken by someone else with a car.  Ran into someone in the parking lot who was going to class.  Didn't know which class.  Ended up following him into a random class.  Saw Julia.  Sadly ditched that dude and went to hug Julia and sat down at her table.  And... even though I walked into class... unprepared... I was SO very blessed to have been there.  The lesson was on gospel Christianity... love and friendships.  I loved the 3 presentations of the gospel.  It felt like... he diagrammed my thoughts and made everything all so clear.  And then went through pitfalls... too much time with friends and also too little time.  I think I've been struggling with spending too much time with friends and not enough time resting.  So it was a good encouragement for me to cool it a little... spend some time at home and REST.  And at the very end... he taught back my own retreat messages to me in one circular diagram derived from John.

No greater love than to lay down your life for your friends and Jesus is the only One who's done that for me.
If you love me, do what I command... love one another as I have loved You. 
Love the Lord your God with all your heart.
Loving God results in greater love.  And back around again. 

God loves us.  We love God.  We love others.  When things are in that order... all is right.  All is beautiful.  So delightful!  It was like reminding me to practice what I preach.  Not only to have it in my head, but to have it in my heart and also to have it come out in the work of my hands.  Completeness.  In that order.  Man.  SO GOOD. 

And I've also been reminded lately of my goals.  A beautiful someone asked me a few days ago... why I left FCBC.  She listened to my super long explanation.  And it reminded me.  It reminded me why I left.  It reminded me what I still needed to work on.  And one of the things I still needed to work on was to get to know the leadership at Cornerstone.  And part of being new... part of being lost... was... not knowing how to go about doing that.  BUT.  God takes care of that for me too.

Last time I went to church... God sovereignly had me sit at a table with one of the wives of the sunday school teachers.  And I got to share with her a little bit more about me.  :)  This time, I actually got a chance to meet one of the pastor's wives... who met me a long time ago at Disneyland... who had read my blog before... who had been praying for me.  And we had such a beautiful chat.  OK more like I chatted and she listened beautifully.  But... that... in and of itself... was like... wow.  God is taking care of the desires of my heart... one by one and I really didn't even have to work that hard at it.  All I did was say, "Hi... can I talk to you?"  And everything fell into place from there.  Because I talked to the wives, I actually met their husbands formally today.  They might not remember my name next time but... a handshake is a very good start.  And their wives will remember my face at least if not my name.  This is excellent progress!  I'm amazed at how quickly things can progress!  God is so amazing. 

I'm so excited about so many things but I'm also SO tired.  I'll try to write more later and not wait like 3 weeks until I post again.

Lots of thoughts about Jonah.  Want to write them down.  Maybe later. 

<3,
Tiff