February was a pretty epic month for me. The phrase "never a dull moment" has pretty much summed up nearly every day of my life since the beginning of 2009, but this past February... I can't deny that the events have left me awestruck... both at the series of events that led up to it and at the personal growth and journey that prepared me for it.
So... about the hiding... I'd been so busy the month of February... with school, with work, with friends... that I got to the point where I was freaking out and stressed out about all I had to get done in the very little amount of time that I left myself to do it. This kind of happens to me a lot. I don't ask for help when I should and lately, I haven't been saying no to as much things as I should too because... well... seeing people is really important to me and as much as it does take up time... it does rejuvenate my heart and spirit too. I'd been making poor choices though.
Dealing with what was on my plate for February... I really should have asked for more help... and not only that... I should have asked for more prayer. I didn't want to ask because I didn't want to have to explain. I know everyone cares so much that they want to know why and what happened and this and that but at the time, I felt that it was such a hassle so I only told a few people and whoever happened to run into me in the days prior. I'm not sure if all the people I shared with could tell that I was freaking out, but... I totally was. I was also getting frustrated at myself for not asking for more prayer and for almost being embarrassed to do so.
On February 21st, I did something I never thought I'd do in my entire lifetime. I went on a talkshow. LOL. Not only that, I was interviewed for a 30-minute segment on the Tifferson story. Who'da thunk it?
I remember having girly breakdowns and, seriously... how is it that out of all my girlfriends... only one person, who is a guy, actually asked me what I was going to be wearing? I was actually very concerned about this. LOL.
OK so... the whole story is that last February 2010, I submitted an article to Inheritance Magazine about the Tifferson story which was published in their May issue. The host to this show called the Upper Room, read that article and contacted me to ask if I would be willing to go on her show. That was last year. We had postponed 3x due to scheduling conflicts, but finally set a date for February 2011. I actually forgot that the interview was coming until maybe 6 days prior. I spent those 6 days in near freak-out mode.
I had my final synthesis paper to work on for my nursing theory class and this interview to prepare for... while going to work full-time. I know it doesn't really sound like a lot compared to what some others have to juggle, but for me... it was verging on stressful. This entire time of grieving Anderson, I had pushed myself to open up instead of retreat in response to my stress. I don't know what craziness happened this time. I just didn't want to tell people that this was happening. I didn't want it to seem like I was bragging. I just wanted people to pray for me but I didn't want to have to explain the whole thing. Sorry. :( What ended up happening was that I didn't ask for more prayer and I didn't allow other people to minister to me more in ways that they could have had they known. I robbed myself of receiving a lot, I'm sure.
Why didn't I want to ask for prayer or help? I don't know. Why wouldn't I want to share with others what God was doing in my life? Am I crazy? Yeah. Probably. Why did I suddenly get so ashamed?
My friend and I had decided to change our Bible reading plan this year. For the past two years, we did the Bible-in-a-year. I think we both decided that this year we wanted to do something less hard-core so we decided to do a 100-day overview of the Bible instead. Well, for the first 100 days of the year and then we'll pick something else when those 100 days are done. Thankfully... God used this 100-day plan to remind me of very important people in the Bible with whom God had chosen and called to proclaim His message to Israel and/or other people. Moses, Isaiah, Jeremiah, and Jonah... and I heard myself say all the things that they said and I also didn't hear myself say things that they did.
Me and my homeboys, Moses and Jeremiah, were all afraid that we weren't going to be good speakers. We wouldn't know what to say. Ask someone else! I'm too young! I half joked, was half serious, about writing out my answers to the interview questions and paying someone else to just read them on the screen for me.
And then there's Isaiah... who said, "here I am, send me". Did I say that? No. (shame). But I somehow ended up doing it anyway. Probably because I agreed to it almost a year ago before thinking about it.
I felt God speaking to me as He spoke to my Jewish homeboys.
The LORD said to [Tiff], “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” Exodus 4:11-12
“[Tiffany Ng Chen], I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.Aye. Oh, Tiff, of little faith. God didn't ask me to go to the White House and ask Obama for citizenship for all the illegal aliens living in the U.S. He didn't ask me to go stand on the steps of a courthouse or roam the streets of vegas and preach repentance from your sinful ways to avoid death and destruction. All He did was provide a way for me to bring my face, my voice, and the wonderful story of the masterfully beautiful things He has done in my and Anderson's life to all those avid watchers of Korean Christian satellite TV whenever the Upper Room airs. It'll also be posted on their website after it airs. No worries. You don't have to go out and subscribe to Korean satellite TV.
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations [or blogger to whoever wants to read on the internet...].”
“Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” Jeremiah 1:5-8
And as a side note... I think all Jonah said was "Forty more days and Nineveh will be overthrown"... up and down the streets of Nineveh stinking like the fish guts and the entire city repented. It's not what I say or what I look like... if God calls me to go and say what He wants me to say... no amount of externals or eloquence will affect His message. And it's not even my message. It's His. It's God's testimony of love for me. How dare I try to hide it? Am I ashamed of His love?
God also canceled a lot of my plans for the following week so that I would have time to work on my synthesis paper. I didn't even have to tell people that I couldn't come out... they canceled for me on their side. God takes such good care of me... I love it. :)
Anyway, so I walked onto the set and I thought to myself... "woah". Kinda like how Neo was like "I know kung fu" in the Matrix and then Morpheus was like "show me"... that's kinda how I felt walking onto that set. Like Jesus just called me out from the boat and had the awesome realization that I was walking on water... doing the impossible... and it had absolutely nothing to do with me... it was all Him. Even as I was talking... I felt like my brain had disconnected from my mouth and someone else was speaking for me. So seriously... whatever good comes out of this... however many more people (or maybe no one) are reached as a result of my obedience to go where He called me to go... it is seriously not because of me... I was just the weak, broken, faithless tool that He used to show His glory and power to do the impossible.
Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of [Tiff], saying to [her], "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" Matt. 14:31.
I had such a high that I wanted to blog that day... but I chose instead to spend the time writing my paper. Probably a good choice. I did finish that paper very nearly on schedule, proofread it and turned it in on time. Finishing that paper... also, an act of God. I gave myself an impossibly small amount of time to get it done and still somehow finished it. I can't speak for how good it is... but God had also sustained me through the entire term... I calculated and I can seriously get a 50% on this synthesis paper and still get a B in the class. I don't think I'll get a 50%. Or at least I hope not. 75% at least. That'll put me at a very solid A-.
I'm glad I decided to write today... even though it's entirely unfocused and without any deep thoughts or insights. I've been emotionally constipated all day. I came home from work and I wanted to cry but couldn't. If I tell you all the reasons why... it might double the length of this blog. Eh. If you got this far... maybe you'll go a little further.
I worked the last four nights. Hey. Didn't I say that the last time I blogged? Anyway... this was a really hard set of shifts to get through. I was SO tired in between shifts that I overslept every single day and barely made it on time to work every single shift. I was dragging myself by the time I got to the fourth shift. This is quite unusual for me even though it seems like very few nurses do 4 in a row. I think I went to work feeling a little slow and a little dead inside. I did read a little on my phone, on the toilet before work... about spiritual eyes and ears... how it is such a gift from God to be able to see and hear Him speak in the situations and the words that happen all around us. Without spiritual eyes and ears... big things just pass us by... we can be hit in the face with big truths and not be aware of it... like how Jesus straight up told the disciples that He was going to die and be resurrected and yet it was still news to them when it happened.
I don't even think I consciously asked for it... but God gave me spiritual eyes at work last night... I think. So without going into a lot of detail... there was a patient on the floor who had been seriously neglected. Someone had found him on the street, took him to the ER and ER didn't even bother much with him... just sent him to the floor. Everything about this patient was EW, EW, EW. The way he looked, the way he smelled, what was wrong with him... it gave me shivers just to overhear a little bit of report. He was in my hallway, but not my patient. My heart was like "GROSS OUT!!!" and then... I got convicted. I heard the words of Jesus in my head telling me... that what you've done to the least of these, you've done to me. So when he came out of his room... I looked into his (really scary) eyes and was like... "Jesus, are you in there?"
I felt so bad that I had judged a patient by his cover. It all came flooding on me about how nicely we'd treat someone who was pressed and pretty and give them the best seat of the house and then give someone else a little spot on the floor in the back. We had to call a code grey on this patient... it means that he was getting combative and he did leave AMA (against medical advice). There were a LOT of nurses running away from him as he was leaving... and a few of us running after him. It must have been such a sight. Little Asian girl in a yellow isolation gown and green gloves... with the AMA paperwork and a pen in one hand... running after a rogue patient and the security guards. I eventually got pushed out of the way by the guys and some security guards but as I was watching them argue and fight their way through the situation... I very nearly burst into tears. If that was Jesus in there... I was very "EW, GROSS, YUCKY!" and it made me sad... that if Jesus were walking by me on the road to Calvary that I might have been saying the same thing to Him. I thought very little about it all shift, but the whole situation bothered me a lot. It didn't really hit me until I came home and then I really felt like crying, but couldn't. Ashamed. Where was the love of God flowing through me? What kind of actions were flowing out of my spring of life (reference Prov 4:23 Watch over your heart with all diligence for from it flow the springs of life)? Not the good kind.
I slept and slept and slept after work. I think I slept almost 10 hours. I had to push aside thinking about hospital work so I could get some schoolwork done... but God still brought people to text me and email me through the night... to remind me that I am loved and that He still hears the cries of my heart. I even started to tell myself that I wasn't going to schedule any more hangouts this month... that I was packing things too tightly and that if people want to hang out with me, I'll just let them contact me instead of pursuing them... and then a friend randomly texted and asked to hang out. Oh what joy. :)
There's still more I could write about the past few weeks but I think it's gotten long enough for now. I have no resolution to my emotional constipation... I still haven't cried yet... but even as I sit and think about how amazing February was... I once again stand in awe. Even through all the ways in which I have been shamed... He still shows me that He loves me in very tangible ways. I feel a little better. Looking fwd to some days off from work to rest more and recuperate and spend more time working on filling my spring of life with that love... so amazing... so divine... that demands my soul, my life, my all...
<3,
Tiff
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