Love is...

It's been hitting me lately... the sacrifice I made by going back to school.  I've never worked full-time AND gone to school.  It's a little bit tiring, but not as bad as I thought... yet.  Things have just been busier and I've spent more time reading, thinking, and APA formatting than I have in the past year that I've been working.  I'm determined to be a doctoral student with a life outside of work and school so I've been making a conscious effort to do social things on my days off... while still planning for and completing my homework.  Gets harder to justify blogging when I should be working on my final paper... but I figured... why not.  Might as well.  Let's just see what comes out. 

I was wondering today whether or not I'd have time to have deep thoughts anymore. And then I thought about it a little more and I think... even though I haven't had as much time to sit and process things... there have been a few things related to love that I've been pondering lately. Lots of little things. I'll just write them down and I'll let you decide if they make sense at all.

I worked the past four nights... through the weekend and through Valentine's Day.  When I work a run of shifts, I whittle down my daily activities to the bare necessities and basically all I do is sleep, eat, work, and repeat for however many nights I'm working.  Laundry piles up.  E-mail piles up.  Stacks of mail pile up on my desk.  The first night off is usually kind of a stressful one for me... having to deal with the pile ups and also wanting to just veg out for a bit.

Yesterday, my co-worker made me a little heart with my name on it.  I got valentines from my co-workers... cupcakes and cheesecake.  Also got 2 tacos from del taco for a snack.  I distinctly remember sitting at work, staring at that heart and thinking to myself... "today, I feel loved".  Wish I'd taken a picture of it to show you.  Sorry.  No foresight.

I didn't really mind working through Valentine's day since this year I don't particularly have one and I was reminded of that fact when everyone was making their schedules and was trying to get Valentine's off.  It's just another day.  Let's see... what did I do last year... oh yes.  I spent the weekend with the Harvest girls speaking at their women's retreat.  Wow.  Can't believe I did that.  I'm glad that my first two Valentine's after being widowed were spent in the company of amazing women.  :)  And yes, I work with amazing women (and a few men).

And I can't deny that I'm struggling with all the chocolate, candies, and goodies that have seemed to be incessantly moving from my hand to my mouth ever since I've turned 29.  Two full weeks of gorging myself and I'm almost tired of eating and celebrating.  Almost.  I feel like it's time to stop living in celebratory mode and get back to something sustainable and healthy... and my skin also isn't responding well to my diet.

I heard something on the radio today as I was driving... someone was talking about how being in love is awesome but it is downright impossible for anyone to sustain those kinds of feelings long term.  No one feels the same way on their 10th anniversary as the day they felt the day they got married, he said.  Would you want to?  No one would get any work done!

Choices, choices, choices.  It's OK to celebrate for a while.  There's a time for that.  There's also a time to work, a time to play, a time to eat, a time to sleep, and also a time to get homework done.  Time to take care of myself.  I used to think I could push myself to accomplish anything... just sacrifice a little sleep here and there.  One of my bosses once told me, "I'm a workaholic just like you!"  And I was kind of appalled.  I was just trying to get things done by the deadline.  Eek.  I don't know where I'm going with this.

I remember once... in college... (when we had access to free faxing in our business center in our apartment complex...), I faxed Anderson a very long fax to Brazil... maybe 30 pages long.  It was partly a daily diary of things I'd wanted to tell him if he were here and partly a compilation of those "Love is..." cartoons that I put in between the pages of the letter.  I can't remember if I'm remembering correctly.  I used to be afraid that I'd forget all these things... now I've just accepted that it's all mashed up somewhere in there... not gone but not as vivid.

I remember thinking back then... about how secure it felt... to be in love.  How when I heard a love song, I wasn't pining away for a dream that I never believed would be reality... but that I had someone who would fill in those blanks in my life... who would be the name that would come to mind when I would hear sappy lyrics... who would be the other "bird" when someone sings that "we're two birds of a feather and the rest is just whatever... if it's love".  It felt like it made all the harsh realities of the world fade to gray as our love came to the forefront in vivid, breath-taking color.  It was his face that I dreamed about and his hand that I'd be holding as we walked forward together into our future. I'm sure I'm romanticizing a lot of this.  I'm certain that there were moments of frustration at being apart, having to maintain a long distance relationship, having to go to things by myself, only being able to talk when school, work and the time zones would allow.  I can't remember when it happened but I think I stopped being so miserable when I started to look at our relationship as having the best parts of being in a relationship with the added perks of having the best parts of being single thrown in.  I had the security and support, with the time and freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.  Perhaps that mentality was part of the early foundation to my silver-lining attitude towards life.  Maybe.  Not sure.  I think maybe it was training ground to making the most out of what I've been given... and all in all... Anderson was probably the best person ever at being able to maintain a long distance relationship with me.  All he did was work, talk/write/email/webcam me and then sleep.  I never worried about him leaving me for some hot Brazilian chick.  Firstly, I went and I didn't see any... not even in Rio.  I'm convinced that the hot ones must have just come to the U.S. to become Victoria's Secret models.  Also, he never gave me any reason to worry.  I was his and he was mine.  There was no question, no doubt, no fear... about that, anyway. 

That being said, I loved him more the day he passed away than on the day of our wedding and even during our first months together.  I anguished the loss of him, but it was that day that I had to let him go and let whatever semblance of life that remained in him... become no more.  If love is dying to yourself and putting another person's well being or interests above my own... then that was definitely love.  And it had nothing to do with what I felt like doing. 

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling... Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go... But, of course, ceasing to be "in love" need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from "being in love" — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God... "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. - C.S. Lewis

Love is... a deep unity, maintained by the will, strengthened by habit, reinforced by grace.  Not a feeling.

Being in love with Anderson was the explosion that ignited the engine of our marriage... and then that God's love was the fuel that kept it going.  

It was something I pondered... something that hit me in the parking lot at Costco.  If my marriage did anything... if it had any purpose in my life... it was to gift me with a deeper understanding of love... and definitely to teach me how to give and receive it.  And if love between a man and a woman in the context of a marriage is but a symbol of... a mere glimpse or a foggy reflection of the love that God has for us... then the same principles of love can also be extrapolated and applied to my relationship with God... and learning how to love Him.

Love is... a deep unity.

I was talking to a friend about consequences of sin.  We were talking about how it isn't always a 1:1 consequence even though it should be... and it is only by God's grace that it is NOT 1 for 1, eye for eye.  I think that what was decided through our conversation was that (or maybe I decided it... I forget...) the loss of intimacy and fellowship was one consequence that ALWAYS arises when we're living in sin.  I related it back to our relationships with our boyfriends/husband... that how when we know we've done something to wrong the other person... when things aren't OK between us... when I know I've disappointed him... that I'm not free to just unrestrainedly throw open my arms and hug him.  I'm not free to approach him with full on passion and joy.  I tread lightly and sheepishly... ashamedly if I've realized my wrong... and defensively if I haven't come to that point of humility just yet.  And it's not the same as physical intimacy.  There's a wall erected between us that only goes away after things have been reconciled... when forgiveness and grace have been extended... and then fellowship restored.  Oneness.  The only man to ever achieve such perfect oneness with God was the man who had no sin and was obedient to the point of death... even death on the cross.  If you know Him, you know the Father.  He was the Word of God lived out in real life... so true, so obedient... that He is called the Word and He IS God.  Oneness.

Love is... maintained by the will.

Part of loving God with my heart, soul, mind and strength... is also to love others like I would love myself.  I'm definitely not perfect in this area.  Every single time I start to get irritated by my patients, I am reminded that I'm not loving them with the kind of love that God has for me.  I am in the profession of caring and while sometimes it's easier to care for my patients... sometimes it gets really hard.  Those times when multiple patients are calling me at the same time for so many things... some things they ask for I just want to say, "you have two hands... please use them" and sometimes not so nicely... I need to consciously assert my will and remember why I'm doing what I'm doing and why I will continue to go answer those call lights even when I would much rather ignore those blinking lights and finish up my charting.  It's become even more evident to me now that I'm back in school and taking nursing theory.  I've had to write a few papers on the theoretical basis of my nursing practice... which means I've had to think about what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and what I want to do with it... and this week my assignment is how I'm going to evaluate my theoretical basis in my practice.  It's not just having that theoretical basis... it's translating it and applying it in practice.  It is my choice to put their needs above my own.  I know I can go do the "work" of nursing with my eyes rolled and with a grumbling heart, but that is not the kind of nurse that I want to be, that's not the kind of nurse I would want if I were in the hospital, and that is not doing my work with a heart that is pleasing to God.

Love is... deliberately strengthened by habit.

To maintain an action by the will... is a discipline... and it is quite true that a discipline is deliberately strengthened by habit.  I was talking to my brother about losing and gaining weight.  He asked me how much I've lost over the past few years and I told him.  I also told him that the past few weeks since my birthday have been making me so smooshie and that I probably gained 5 pounds the past few weeks.  He said, "oh, 5 pounds is nothing"... I said "5 pounds is a lot! I didn't work this hard to lose it all to just gain it back in a few weeks"... he said, "well, it's nothing to lose 5 pounds now that you've been living the lifestyle that got you where you're at".  K. I definitely didn't write that conversation verbatim but it's the gist.  Pearls of wisdom from the ping pong master. Also heard this on the radio lately, "studying God's Word is a discipline. The only way to make a discipline a habit is to practice it."  Just like losing weight or working out or building muscles takes discipline... you have to put it into practice.  The more one deliberately practices it, the more it becomes a habit, the easier it becomes to do... and the more you can build on it and grow it... the more you practice it. 

Love is... reinforced by God's grace. 

I definitely agree that God's love is reinforced by His grace.  We are so imperfect that it takes a whole lot of grace.... infinite amounts of grace for God to love us and continue loving us without condition.  The love He gives us is not earned... it is given.  Because it is given... it cannot be lost.  Because it cannot be lost, we have no need to fear.  We are forever secure in His love.  And because His love is so vast and so immeasurable... our finite hearts can always be filled with it.  Filled to overflowing.  It is the love He models for us that enables us to love others.  The passionate, steadfast, deeply flowing love that originates from God is the miracle that should move our hearts to compassion for those around us... and the fact that this all-consuming love is given to an undeserving person like me, by grace, is the impetus from which I am to extend that same grace to others.

God is... love.  It is so pervasive to His character that it defines Him. It's not just an adjective...that He is loving... He IS love. 

I was talking to a friend about burn out.  One way to prevent burnout is to do your work... to live your life... from the overflow of your heart.  He said, "teach me".  I was thinking in my head... I'm not sure you know what you're asking but if you want me to talk about God and love... sure, why not!  I told him he needs to find a way to overflow and not pour out.  To be in a constant state of fullness and then to overflow is to find a source of never-ending love and perpetually fill your heart with it.  When you're living "full"... and everything that comes from you is a result of your overflow... you will never be empty, you will never be dry.  The only source of perfect, limitless, unconditional love that you never have to fear losing is... God Himself... Alpha and Omega, beginning and end... who was and is and is to come.

K... I wanted to end with this verse but now I think it doesn't really make sense... but it's still a good one.  I don't know why I read this in NIV this year but I'm glad I did.  To think about the heart as a wellspring of life is nice... but for some reason, the verse took on new meaning for me when I read it like this.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.  Prov. 4:23. NIV.

So ends my post-Valentine's Day thoughts on love.  :)  Sorry I'm not really going to proofread it... it is what it is and it's what came out.  I'm glad I took the time to write them down for you tonight. Any thoughts?  Responses?

<3,
Tiff