car stuff, skin stuff

What?!? It's only been like 10 days since I last posted?  It feels like a lot of time has passed.  I guess when of the 10 days, I've worked 6 of those nights and had to endure finals week somewhere in between too... 10 days seems like a very long time.

I don't feel like thinking very hard.  I just have a few thoughts swirling around and I wanted to get them out.  I wrote a little bit when I got home from work yesterday morning.  Only yesterday morning.  Yesterday feels like a few days ago already.

I seem to feel the need to write after working 4 shifts straight.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's my stress relief.  Maybe it's a natural result of having to put my life on hold for 4 days... a lot of stuff just needs to come pouring out.

I think I've been stressed lately.  I can't be sure but... if I feel like I'm just barely surviving from one day to another... precariously on the verge of sinking but somehow sustained by some buoyancy which keeps my nose hovering just above the surface of the water.. barely enough to allow me to breathe but not enough to allow me to breathe very deeply... it's definitely a sustaining grace that I can only attribute to God.  This God-given buoyancy will not allow me to sink... but maybe right now... it's also not enough to carry all the weight I keep wanting to place on my shoulders. It's just enough for me and my needs. I think I need to rest... and I need to let some things go.  I'm not sure what.  I just don't want to burn out.

Ok anyway... so this is what I wrote yesterday morning:

I just finished four shifts in a row... I came home and decided to wash my car... and then decided to wash my mom's car... and while I was doing it I figured I might as well wax them and wash the rims and clean the tires.  I'm definitely NOT a morning person but there's something about doing manual labor really early in the morning... with the briskness of the morning air filling my lungs... the quiet of a neighborhood still in slumber... and then the gratification of washing my car for the first time in four months (I know... it's appalling)... and making something dirty and dusty... clean and shiny again... it made me feel quite happy.  I couldn't believe I had the energy to clean.  But... now that it's done and my arms are sufficiently exhausted... my brain won't shut down.

As I was waxing my car... I was forced to examine the exterior pretty closely... section by section... and I noticed a lot of things.  I was pretty sure I had not hit as many things while in the driver's seat as the evidence suggests... many of the dings and scratches must have either happened while my car was parked or while I wasn't paying attention.  Certain things I know I've committed... by accident... and the evidence is blaringly there... the ramifications of my carelessness or my Asian-female driving has left blemishes and scars on my car and my rims. 

I remembered a time when I would agonize over every little dent or a scratch.  Now... I don't think I'm callous to them... I just figure that... it's a part of having, owning, and driving a car.  As I did my final inspection... the microfiber towel in hand... gliding across the exterior of one of my most relied-upon and useful gifts that bears title to my name (I don't even think that made sense...)... I was so very thankful to have my car.  I know I'm crazy and I talk to my belongings.  I'm not an only child.  I'm not friendless... but sometimes my objects are so personal and meaningful to me... they're like my friends.  I talk to my cupcake bear.  I talked to my bag of cheez-its the other day.  I do tend to talk to my drinkware quite often.  Very attached to my drinkware.  Anyway... so I was talking to my car.  More like thinking to my car but... just appreciating her for being there for me... for carrying my things... for taking me to far-away places... for enabling me to get to work every week.. for never breaking down on me... for taking a beating when I'm not looking... we had some good times together... and we'll undoubtedly have more.  I was glad to have her there for me.  

Something I read a few days ago has been stuck in my mind as well.

The LORD will tear down the house of the proud,
But He will establish the boundary of the widow. Prov 15:25.

Something about the tenderness of God towards widows always moves my heart.  I'm very attentive to the widows or the mention of widows in scripture.  Back in the day when a woman's security and livelihood depended on the men in their lives... to be widowed was to be desolate.  To be widowed and then to have your only son pass away... was double desolation.  To be widowed and have two sons pass away... that was ultimate desolation and worthy of changing your name to Mara (or bitterness).

Four ppl in the past few days have asked me different variations of the same question, "don't you want a family?"  I thought about what the loss of Anderson has truly meant to me.  It was not just losing my husband... it was losing the life we had together... the dreams we dreamt... our future and all the hope I had invested in "us"... the security of having him take care of me and our household.  I'd lost the dream of having him father my children... the family we could have had together... "growing old" together... forever.  I understand a little bit of the desolation.  The more I pondered the desolation of loss... the more I realized that... I have been well-taken-care of.  My boundaries have been established.  And while the widows back in the day depended on the mercy of those around them... they did have to live by faith... and I'm sure that some of them grew bitter and wretched in their widowdom... but I'm also sure that some were refined in their desolation... in their poverty... who grew to become pillars of faith... thankful for every little bit they were given... and also, just as readily... giving it back... knowing that even if I only have 2 mites to live on... if I invest my 2 mites to the Lord... He will establish my boundary and provide for my every need.  Yes, I might want a family, but what I have now is what I need.  And I'm making the most of what I've got when I've got it... and what I've got is time, I think.

The Widow’s Offering - Mark 12:41-44 (NIV)

  ⁴¹ Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. ⁴² But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

 ⁴³ Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. ⁴⁴ They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

I'm thankful for my life lessons that have taught me more about faith.  I've learned so much about faith through the situations I've encountered these past 21 months or so in my journey through widowdom.  I'm also thankful for the wear and tear I've collected along the way.  The dings and dents in my car don't really make my car run better... but they don't inhibit functionality either.  They're minor.  Getting beat up along the way means that I'm using my car... I'm being exposed to the elements... I'm living life, gaining invaluable experiences...  Not a perfect analogy.  OK switching gears... another thing that I've been thinking about lately...

I heard something twice on the radio on the way to work... sometime in the last 10 days.  I'm pretty sure if I heard it twice... God really wanted me to hear it.  I don't remember who was speaking... but I remember the gist of what he said and a few lines stuck out to me:

Advance. Engage the enemy.

These are action words.  They're not just suggestions to "proceed with caution".  To advance and to engage implies being on the offensive... being first to make a move... no fear.

OK.  This might be kinda weird but... I'm going to relate this to... my battle with zits... and also to sanctification.

I've had pretty decent skin my whole life.  I used to wonder why people had to wear makeup.  Um... now I know.  I think I've had a few zits here and there... they got a lot better when I was in Houston since I was sleeping a whole lot... and it was OK once I came back to California... but once I started working... I started breaking out like no other.  These zits were coming with a vengeance and before one would leave, another one would come.  I could not keep up.  I was able to manage them fairly adequately... and then somehow after my birthday this past year... omg.  They came back with a vengeance again.  It was painful, hideous mountains of bright red blemishes.  I was so self-conscious.  I used to use makeup for like... special occasions... but it got to the point where I was too self-conscious to leave the house without it... and I actually went out and bought concealer because my foundation wasn't enough.  This is new to me.  Tiff, in her late 20's, was forced to fight a battle with acne.  Heartbreaking.

Maybe my life is so "interesting" because I'm so dramatic about these little things that happen to me.  Anyway... so my skin issues have become more of a priority to me lately.  Things were just about getting hopeless... when God provided me with an awesome friend to help me battle my acne.  She is a skin expert.  An aesthetician.  What an answer to prayer.  She analyzed my skin and put me on a regimen.  This was more detailed than any other skin care plan I've ever been on.  There are steps.  There's timing.  There's this before that.  There's fine tuning and adjustments that need to be made.  And it takes a lot of time.  A lot more than I used to spend on my skin.  If I had to describe what we did together... it was definitely advancing or engaging this enemy... a very active method of tackling this problem from multiple angles, in different directions... and then waiting to see how my skin responds.

I have this machine now that uses sonic vibrations to help cleanse the impurities in my skin.  I somehow feel like it takes a long time to use this machine... so I have "time" to think while I'm moving this brush in circular motions all over my face.  A few other lines that I remember from the sermon I've heard twice... was that the answer to spiritual laziness is discipline.  I definitely think that it takes discipline to keep to this skincare regimen.  It takes faithfulness.  It takes preparation and planning... and then you just gotta suck it up and do it.

It took a while to start seeing results.  In fact, when it comes to skin stuff... sometimes it gets uglier before it gets better.  But once it gets better... it gets a lot better.

I think it's the same for sanctification as well.  If I asked God at the beginning of Lent... to get rid of the idols that threaten His supremacy over my life... then I should not be surprised that it got really ugly as He was revealing stuff to me.  Stuff that I had maybe covered up with concealer... stuff that I was hiding under my bangs... dings and dents that I never stopped to inspect but once I started... all those things came to the surface and it was pretty darn ugly.  I've gotten more angry and frustrated in the past two months than I have in a VERY long time.  I've done things and said things out of spitefulness that make me ashamed to be me.  But what's done is done, what's said is said.  There is definitely a lot of wisdom in being quick to listen and slow to speak.  It's been rough.  The battle has been brutal... but it's looking like things are taking a turn for the better.  I'm looking fwd to when my joyful heart makes a cheerful face and good medicine for others... and looking to leave behind the broken spirit that dries up bones and is unbearable to those around me.

If I had to whittle down my activities to just one thing... it would be to pursue God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.  It is just one thing... and yet it is so weighty that it consumes the whole of me.  And what does it look like in my life?  It manifests in a lot of ways.  But most of all... I think it requires that I take everything I've got... my 2 mites... my sling and a few rocks... and I take a step out in faith to engage the enemy that threatens the armies of the Living God.  Even if I buy fancy products or use a sonic brush cleaner thing... the power behind healing my zits still comes from God.  The power isn't so much in the mites, or the sling or the rocks... but it is how mightily the tiny things can be used when I step out in faith to discipline myself to do it. I think I'm mixing all my metaphors.  This is definitely NOT the most clear post ever.  And I'm actually getting kinda tired... so I think I'll stop now.

I don't even know what to name this post.  It's all over the place.  Maybe I should have separately talked about sacrifice and then about sanctification.  OK.  Maybe next time.

<3,
Tiff

watchu want?

Oh my, oh my.  I thought I was poopered out but something was on my mind and it just wouldn't go away.  I'm warning you this post might be crazy all over the place.  Read at your own risk. 

I've spent nearly every waking minute of the past few days working on my final paper for my class.  I wrote before I went to work, I wrote in between work and church, I wrote until I fell asleep, I wrote when I woke up... I turned it in last night and my brain felt squeezed dry.  Apparently I still have words to type though...even though it feels like my thoughts are so fragile... like soap bubbles that would pop the moment I try to touch and access them.  I want to rest.  I want to veg.  But I can't.  This question is plaguing me.

"what do you want me to do for you?"

Jason said it in his sermon yesterday.  It reminded me of the time that I wrote about that question... and it took me like an hour digging through my blog posts trying to find it.  I FINALLY found it... hidden in my post from October 9, 2010.

That for which she longs
is that for which she belongs - Linda Dillow

I also read about the 2 blind men who called out to Jesus.  Jesus stopped and asked them, "what do you want Me to do for you?"

Why would he ask that?  Is it not completely obvious what they want?  Their heart's desire is for their greatest deficit to become restored and made whole, complete, and functional again.  Maybe He just wanted them to ask.

And then I thought about myself.  If you were to look at me... look at my life... if you had to say, "oh that girl there... that's the [fill in the blank]"... what would you fill in that blank for me?

Am I... the nurse?  Am I... that Asian girl?  That bio major? The one who writes those long, boring blogs? What would you say, really?  I want to know.  Curious.

For me... the characteristic that stands out most to me... the aspect that has defined me more than any other... is... that I am a widow. 

And what would the widow ask for?  Like the blind men... I think any widow would ask for his/her greatest deficit to be restored.  It is that for which our hearts ache for, isn't it?  The situation that we wake up to every single day and wish that it weren't so? 

Sometimes, I think I fear asking for it.  I know I have.  But I asked it in timidity... and then moved on as if it were some shameful thing to ask for.  Is that how you would ask for the greatest desire of your heart?

I thought about that question ever since I heard it again.  If Jesus were to ask me right now, "what do you want Me to do for you?"... what would my answer be?  What is the one thing that I would ask for if I could?

I had to stop and think about what I felt the greatest deficits are in my life. I must think about what I don't have if I want to ask for the greatest desire of my heart. 

There was a time when I would have blurted, "I want Anderson back" without hesitation if Jesus were to ask me what I wanted Him to do for me.  I still do want him back, don't get me wrong...but I am promised to be with him forever in eternity so... I don't really need to ask for that.  I just have to be patient and wait for what was promised me.

I went down the line through my list of "wants"... and with every "want", I found that He had already given it to me.  I am well taken care of.

The answer that I thought I came up with was... nothing.  I don't want you to do anything for me, Jesus.  You have done it all already.  What do you want me to do for YOU?  

I had decided that "nothing" was my answer... and then I started to waver.  What about my current singleness?  This was the one "want" that I dwelt on the longest and it is the one "want" that threatened my commitment to my final answer. 

Yesterday was Palm Sunday.  Jason preached about the "triumphal entry" of Jesus into Jerusalem and how it marked the start of Passion Week.  I don't think I'd given much thought to it.  I thought it was a happy affair.  Yay for laying down your coats and putting palm branches down on the floor and crying out "Hosanna!" to Jesus as He mozied on by riding on the donkey.  I'd never given much thought to the fact that a donkey is an animal of dishonor, not an animal of honor.  Cool ppl don't ride donkeys; they ride mighty stallions.  Jason mentioned that Shrek had a donkey.  And that donkey was pretty darn annoying.  So I imagined Jesus riding into Jerusalem on Shrek's donkey.  Jibber jabbering away... with incessant commentary on the color of that cloak or that palm branch is really fibrous or don't step on that little bug... blah blah blah...

I thought about the people of Jerusalem... the Jews of Jesus's day.  They thought the Messiah was coming to overthrow Rome, bring world peace... sit on the throne and rule... and He was... He did... He will.  Just not exactly the way they thought.  It's not that their expectations were too lowly... they were good expectations... but Jesus knew better and Jesus sought to do better than just overthrowing Rome and bringing political freedom.  Jesus came to overthrow sin and bring us ultimate freedom... a hope, a love, a peace, and a joy that lasts for an eternity.  A good king brings peace and happiness to their land... but usually only for the time they're in power.  Jesus's plans extended much higher than earthly reigns and earthly kingdoms... He sits and rules on high... forever and ever... in an eternal kingdom... into which we have been invited to obtain citizenship.  The benefits of living in this kingdom... are eternal.  They can never be taken away... they are ours by virtue of our identity... as princes and princesses of the Most High God.  El Elyon.  And we have been given a glimpse of the abundance of this eternal life... here on earth.  Love.  Joy.  Peace.

So the Jews of that time... and maybe some of us right now... we don't get it.  We don't understand why Jesus would come on a squeaky donkey.  We don't understand why we're still captives of Rome.  We don't understand why we're oppressed... why things have happened the way they have.  Why am I single?  Why was I widowed?  Why did You give me the man of my dreams only to take him away and leave me all alone? And why am I now, almost 30, and even more single than I was when I was 17?  At least at 17, I thought I was surrounded by possibilities.  At 30, it feels like a desert wasteland.  Okay, okay, I'm still 29 but one year isn't going to change anything.  30 sounds more dramatic.  I'm gonna stick with 30. 

LOL... the way I remembered this little excerpt in my head was, "na ah, honey, don't you argue with the process... you ain't done yet."  I laughed when I went back and found what I had actually read. 

In one of George MacDonald's books, one of the characters makes this bitter statement: "I wonder why God made me. I certainly don't see any purpose in it!" Another of the characters responds, "Perhaps you don't see any purpose yet, but then, He isn't finished making you. And besides, you are arguing with the process." - Streams, April 17. 

Maybe the Jews back in the day were meant to be confused about the whole thing.  Maybe since they didn't have the Holy Spirit yet, their spiritual eyes weren't opened and they just couldn't get it.  Or maybe they should have gotten it... maybe it woulda saved them some blood, sweat, and tears if they had remembered throughout the crazy events that this is exactly what Jesus said would happen.  Maybe they just didn't have faith.  When Mary went to the tomb and found it empty... she cried.  And the angel asked her... "why are you crying?"  and I can't remember exactly what she said but she was looking for Jesus's body... and the angel had to remind her that He's not here... He's risen.  And then she was filled with joy.

The strength of our faith is in direct proportion to our level of belief that God will do exactly what He has promised. Faith has nothing to do with feelings, impressions, outward appearances, nor the probability or improbability of an event. If we try to couple these things with faith, we are no longer resting on the Word of God, because faith is not dependent on them. Faith rests on the pure Word of God alone. And when we take Him at His Word, our hearts are at peace. -George Mueller.

So maybe prior to my settling on my "final answer"... maybe I have a little conversation with Jesus first and I ask Him... why things had to be this way... how come I had to go through life like this?  Am I just better when I'm single?  Would having a man in my life hold me back?  Why was I denied the pleasures of being a wife?  Why was I denied motherhood?  Why weren't there any mini Tiffersons?  Wouldn't they have been beautiful little things?  Would it have been too hard to set me up with a little house... just me and my husband... maybe a couple of little Tiffersons... and for me to just live out a nice, peaceful existence?  Why so much drama?  Why all the suffering?  Why all the pain?


And I see Jesus patiently absorbing my "why" questions with a look of perfect peace.  When I finally pause to take a breath... He asks, very gently... "done?"


"I guess.  Are you going to answer all of those questions or some of them or none of them...?"


"I'm answering all of them in two words: trust Me. Just... trust Me." 


"...but..."


"Trust Me"


Trust Him.  He knows better than I do.  My faith in action... is to say OK... and then... wait. Actively wait in anticipation. 

I might not fully get it right now.. but I trust that You are the God you say You are... You will do what You've said You'll do... and You have proven Yourself faithful, steadfast, immutable, and most of all, loving... since the beginning of time.  If You planned it this way... You did it for a reason.  I will wait for your plans to unfold.  I will wait and trust in You. 

Hm... peace...

g'night...g'morning...

<3,
Tiff

oozing obsession

Aye.  I wanted to blog today, or at least finish the entry that I started last week, but I am only just now acceptably caught up with my homework and it's already pretty late (3am).  I'll just write a little bit.  See how much comes out since I've been collecting scattered thoughts throughout the week and searching for an opportunity to type them out.

(started this April 1)

I'm sitting at a Starbucks and I had fully intended on working on schoolwork... but find my thoughts wandering anywhere BUT where it needs to be to debate and discuss the role, scope of practice, and issues surrounding nurse practitioners in health care. 

I've realized today that I'm obsessed with love.  If I could tally the topics that cross my mind on a daily basis... I think "love" would rank at the very top every single day. 

It's a phenomenon.  It's so simple, yet so complicated.  there's so much to ponder theoretically and even more to ponder about the infinite ways to apply it. There is so much to think about with regards to me and my own heart and then when bringing others into the mix... there's even more to consider. I crave it. I yearn for it. I love reading about it.  I love learning how to give it.  I love receiving it.  I think about people and interactions... I think about words, I think about thoughts... I gosh darn think about love ALL THE TIME.  I'm obsessed.  I love "love"


It's a noun, it's a verb... it's... amazing. 

(continued on April 8)

I spent all week thinking about my obsession with love. 

I even mentioned it to a good friend of mine who asked me why I felt I was obsessed with love. All I could think of was what I mentioned above, the fact that I think that we (especially women) are hardwired with a vacuum for love, and the fact that I think I could spend a lifetime pondering, theorizing, pursuing, trying to apply "love" and never be satiated.  Is that what an obsession is?

I named my blog Lavish Love and I'm guessing the majority of my posts have something to do with love if not completely to do with it.

Perhaps it is enigmatic to me and therefore my natural desire to solve problems and better understand myself and the world around me drives me towards this obsession with learning more about love.

As my friend and I were talking about my love obsession, a song started playing at the restaurant... "somebody to love".  We laughed.  Was it Queen's or a remix?  I thought it was kind of a happy song but... now that I'm reading the lyrics, they're not all that happy.

Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love? 

I've also been having a hard time sleeping lately.  It happens.  It used to happen a lot before I got married.  I think I found a lot of peace and comfort in sleeping next to Anderson.  We used to hold hands while sleeping.  He said that my hand would go searching for his, even when I was sleeping, and wouldn't rest until it found his.  Anyway, back to my insomnia issues... I used to start a DVD commentary or a documentary (like March of the Penguins) so that I could have some noise to fall asleep to.  It's not that DVD commentaries or documentaries are necessarily boring... maybe it's just the droning sound of voices or maybe it's reminiscent of a college lecture... it somehow helps put me to sleep.  One documentary that I've been choosing to "put me to sleep" lately is Paper Heart.  I don't know if any of you have seen it.  It's about this Asian girl, Charlene, who doesn't believe in love, doesn't believe she'll ever fall in love, and thus goes around interviewing people and asking them to define love, talk about their experiences with love, and just... talk about love.  People have such... wide and varied definitions of what they think love is.  It's interesting and fascinating to see how people approach it.

One of the guys that Charlene interviewed said that what was tricky about finding the love of your life is that even if you find the person who is your true love... you might not be that person's true love. Honestly, I don't think that guy knows what true love is because he was talking about dreams and near-death moments and someone's face popped into his mind and he said that his ex-wife was his true love because of that experience and not the girl that he's longing for but who's in a relationship with someone else... I don't know.  It really shouldn't be so complicated.

And then there are so many songs about cheating. Was it Rihanna who sang, "don't tell me you're sorry when you're not... when you're only sorry you got caught...".  Or Jason Derulo who sang that he's sorry he got caught cheating, he only meant well... that when he becomes a star, they'll be living so large, he'd do anything for her... then why'd he cheat on her? why wouldn't he do anything for her now? ...or Eminem's songs about how he hates her but he can't leave because he loves her but he'll tie her to the bed and set the house on fire?  It's... sad and baffling... what happens in a dysfunctional relationship between two people in the name of "love".  

You know... for the amount of songs written about love and all the different viewpoints and aspects of love that are floating out there... you would think that American culture or even the English language would have more words defining the different types of love. Like wasn't there some tribe in Africa or something that had no words for one color but then like 20 words describing different kinds of red? (ok I'm probably totally mistaken right now but I thought I heard something like that somewhere...) Perhaps the Greeks love "love" more than anyone else because they actually have different words defining the different types of love. Why can't we have that?  Or are we just supposed to use the Greek words because they've already been invented and labeled? 

I don't know all the Greek love words... the few I can think of right now are phileo, eros, and agape.  Knowing me... I could be totally wrong and they're not even Greek.  Is it another language?  Whatevers.

Wouldn't it be helpful to know... if someone says "I love you"... if they're actually saying "I phileo you" or "I eros you" or "I agape you"?  Then you could be like... ok well... I phileo you too... or... hm... you might eros me but I phileo you, so see ya later, buddy, we're not looking for the same thing.  Somehow it just sounds so strange, but I think that it would help to better communicate what someone actually means when they say, "I love you" and what it means to say it back.

Anyway, to continue that conversation I was having with my friend... I think we decided that it was kind of a good thing... if my obsession with love is centered on God and His love, primarily. 

And then I re-read the little tagline thing that I wrote underneath my blog title.  Most of you probably don't read this directly from my blog so you probably didn't even notice when I changed the black (mourning) background to sky blue with flowers and clouds or some kind of abstract prettiness... and maybe this will be the first time you're reading this... but this blog is entitled Lavish Love with the subtitle/dedication or description being...

...the overflow from the heart of an ordinary girl, refined by the fire of widowdom & captivated by the breath-takingly lavish love of her God--- For Anderson. 6/27/81-7/22/09. I'll see you soon, my love.

God's love has captivated me.  It takes my breath away.  It makes sense that I would have an obsession for love and then when I found the source of the most perfect, the most amazing love beyond my greatest imagination... that it would take my breath away and captivate my heart and mind... and soul.  Totally makes logical sense to me. 

This post is really scattered and all over the place and I want to sleep so I'm going to end it prematurely... maybe I'll have to continue it another day... but...  here are the remainders of the scattered thoughts...in no particular order or flow of logic.


Steps for life: (1) God loves us (2) I love God (3) I love others.  When I keep my mind and my life running in this sequential order... all is well and all is peaceful.  I talked for days on these 3 steps at retreat.  I think the only way I was able to give like 4 messages on these steps is because... I'm obsessed. Good times, good times.   

I still talk about the retreat I went to with 7 Tiffany/Tiffanie's.  <3

To love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength... is to be consumed with loving God... every single aspect of my life... dedicated to loving God...

Sometimes... not all the time... but sometimes... I'm really sensitive (and appreciative, I think...) of the love I receive from people.  Lately, I've been feeling very loved.  I think sometimes... when God knows that I'm being tormented by certain things... He brings people into my life to remind me that I'm loved and I'm beautiful... even if it's a creepy patient who says "you're so pretty..." and follows it with a sinister laugh at least 3x every time I go into the room.

I've been so busy lately that I've decided to cut down my hanging out activities to one person per day off and... also... that I won't go actively pursuing people to hang out with me... but that (at least for now), I will make an effort to hang out with people who initiate with me first.  Initially, I thought that my schedule would totally clear out because I'm usually the initiator... since I clean out my inbox every month or so and follow up on emails people have failed to return me... or if I think about someone, I'll just contact them and ask how they're doing and if they want to meet up... but yeah.  So I used to think that I was the major initiator... but during the past few months that I've been allowing other people to initiate with me... I'm finding that... a lot of people actually want to hang out with me... and... I might be wrong... but I think that means that... people like me.  LOL.  Anyway... having people initiate with me...really speaks loudly to my love languages.  I feel so, so loved when people pursue me.  And I'm not writing this to get you to initiate with me, my friend... I'm still growing and learning how to manage my time wisely... but for now... this is what I've allowed for myself... and it's also giving me a little more freedom to let go of some things that I don't have as much time for nowadays. 

I got a chance to meet up with someone special... someone who I thought I might not get to see this side of eternity... but who has blessed me immensely... and who also made a very large effort to hang out with me... and I felt so loved by her. 

This is me almost poking her eye out with my floppy hat.

And then today... I decided to walk around the mall... in pursuit of a pair of black pants I thought I wanted... I think I tried on like 5 pairs of pants... no luck.  And then I randomly walked by a store and one of the t-shirts caught my eye.  It had a Bible verse on it... but it looked pretty hip.  I was intrigued.  I looked at the fliers at the door and there was one for Calvary Chapel lying in a messy heap of paper.  Even more intrigued.  This store looked a little like hot topic... but had Christian music playing and wall-to-wall Christian t-shirts that didn't look like something I would automatically throw into a donation bin (sorry... it's the harsh truth...).  When I walked in, a salesman came up to me and asked me if I've ever been in the store before, I said no.  He asked me if I knew what the name of the store meant and I said no.  So he proceeded to tell me that it the store name, C28, stands for Colossians 2:8.  I said, wow.  He said, is that a good wow or a bad wow.  I said, a good wow.  It made me happy.  It made me so happy I felt like buying t-shirts. It almost made me wish that I actually wore these kinds of t-shirts, but... I don't think I will... So 3 lucky friends are getting the t-shirts I bought from this store.  And it's so funny... that the t-shirts I bought say, "His love...never fails".  I'm telling you, I'm obsessed. 

it's not much, but it's all I have.

There were so many shirts... so many having to do with love and God's love, the vine, trees... etc. etc.  It made me happy to see artwork about my obsession.  It almost felt like I had gone to an art show... I was so intensely interested in so many of the shirts... shirts that I liked to look at, but couldn't see myself wearing. One shirt in particular caught my eye.  I stared at it for so long I almost cried.  It was so simple, and yet so profound. My heart... my tiny, 2D heart... is not much, but it's all I have to offer.  It's not much... but it's also the most precious thing I have to give.  I was writing some relationship advice to a friend of mine...I wrote it over a month ago and I still think on the words I wrote... and I remind myself of it from time to time because even though I wrote it and I fully believe it... I forget so easily.  

The heart is so precious.  It cannot be bought and it cannot be faked.  It is what makes life meaningful... it is from the heart that our passions arise... from where our joys radiantly exude... save it.  It is precious.  It is the most precious gift you can offer your future wife.

So I was thinking these words as I was staring at this shirt.  I saw me, offering my heart to God.  I saw Anderson offering his heart to me.  I saw a child, offering his little heart to... someone... a parent?  to God? How would anyone NOT melt into a little puddle on the floor if someone were offering their little heart to you in the likeness of this little guy? I literally almost cried in that store.  Anyway. 

When I was checking out at the register, the salesman... I can't remember if it was the same one or a different one... was just so nice.  He gave me an extra 15% off because it was my first time at the store.  He said that it was the store policy to donate 10% of the sale to one of three ministries of my choice... I chose the Mercy ministry.  And then he asked me something I've never been asked by a retail store checkout guy... he asked me if I had any prayer requests.  I don't know if they ask everybody or if he saw something in me that prompted him to say that... but he asked.  I was taken aback.  I didn't know what to say.  So many prayer requests rushed through my mind, but the only one that came out was "I've got a lot of homework".  And I do have a lot of homework.  I was up until 3am doing homework this morning.  Someone else put their shirts on the counter to pay so I took my bag and was about to walk away... when he asked me if it was OK if he prayed for me right now.  So he prayed for me, over the checkout counter at the Santa Ana Mainplace Mall.  I was really fighting hard... to hold back tears with my head bowed... as a stranger prayed for me and my homework... and prayed for me as a whole person as well.  I don't think I've ever felt so loved at the mall.  LOL.  I left that store with such a huge smile on my face... so happy to have been ministered to in the most unexpected way in an unexpected place.  God loves Tiff in such amazing ways.

And lastly... because I really really need to sleep now... another friend said something to me which continues to make me laugh...  she said "you ooze".  Ooze!  When I think of the word "ooze"... I think of green or yellow purulent drainage oozing out of a patient's obviously infected (and totally nasty) wound ... I think of my muffin oozing over the top of my jeans... not very lovely mental images.... but she said I ooze love and joy.  It made me laugh when I first read it and I kept thinking about it over and over again throughout the night.  If I had to ooze anything, I'd be happy to ooze love and joy.  Thank you, Yealee, for telling me that I ooze.  LOL.

btw, the tv show thing is scheduled to air on April 18, 10am and 6pm... on a Korean satellite channel unbeknownst to me... but will be posted on the KAC website shortly after. 

good night/morning, loves.
<3,
Tiff