oozing obsession

Aye.  I wanted to blog today, or at least finish the entry that I started last week, but I am only just now acceptably caught up with my homework and it's already pretty late (3am).  I'll just write a little bit.  See how much comes out since I've been collecting scattered thoughts throughout the week and searching for an opportunity to type them out.

(started this April 1)

I'm sitting at a Starbucks and I had fully intended on working on schoolwork... but find my thoughts wandering anywhere BUT where it needs to be to debate and discuss the role, scope of practice, and issues surrounding nurse practitioners in health care. 

I've realized today that I'm obsessed with love.  If I could tally the topics that cross my mind on a daily basis... I think "love" would rank at the very top every single day. 

It's a phenomenon.  It's so simple, yet so complicated.  there's so much to ponder theoretically and even more to ponder about the infinite ways to apply it. There is so much to think about with regards to me and my own heart and then when bringing others into the mix... there's even more to consider. I crave it. I yearn for it. I love reading about it.  I love learning how to give it.  I love receiving it.  I think about people and interactions... I think about words, I think about thoughts... I gosh darn think about love ALL THE TIME.  I'm obsessed.  I love "love"


It's a noun, it's a verb... it's... amazing. 

(continued on April 8)

I spent all week thinking about my obsession with love. 

I even mentioned it to a good friend of mine who asked me why I felt I was obsessed with love. All I could think of was what I mentioned above, the fact that I think that we (especially women) are hardwired with a vacuum for love, and the fact that I think I could spend a lifetime pondering, theorizing, pursuing, trying to apply "love" and never be satiated.  Is that what an obsession is?

I named my blog Lavish Love and I'm guessing the majority of my posts have something to do with love if not completely to do with it.

Perhaps it is enigmatic to me and therefore my natural desire to solve problems and better understand myself and the world around me drives me towards this obsession with learning more about love.

As my friend and I were talking about my love obsession, a song started playing at the restaurant... "somebody to love".  We laughed.  Was it Queen's or a remix?  I thought it was kind of a happy song but... now that I'm reading the lyrics, they're not all that happy.

Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love? 

I've also been having a hard time sleeping lately.  It happens.  It used to happen a lot before I got married.  I think I found a lot of peace and comfort in sleeping next to Anderson.  We used to hold hands while sleeping.  He said that my hand would go searching for his, even when I was sleeping, and wouldn't rest until it found his.  Anyway, back to my insomnia issues... I used to start a DVD commentary or a documentary (like March of the Penguins) so that I could have some noise to fall asleep to.  It's not that DVD commentaries or documentaries are necessarily boring... maybe it's just the droning sound of voices or maybe it's reminiscent of a college lecture... it somehow helps put me to sleep.  One documentary that I've been choosing to "put me to sleep" lately is Paper Heart.  I don't know if any of you have seen it.  It's about this Asian girl, Charlene, who doesn't believe in love, doesn't believe she'll ever fall in love, and thus goes around interviewing people and asking them to define love, talk about their experiences with love, and just... talk about love.  People have such... wide and varied definitions of what they think love is.  It's interesting and fascinating to see how people approach it.

One of the guys that Charlene interviewed said that what was tricky about finding the love of your life is that even if you find the person who is your true love... you might not be that person's true love. Honestly, I don't think that guy knows what true love is because he was talking about dreams and near-death moments and someone's face popped into his mind and he said that his ex-wife was his true love because of that experience and not the girl that he's longing for but who's in a relationship with someone else... I don't know.  It really shouldn't be so complicated.

And then there are so many songs about cheating. Was it Rihanna who sang, "don't tell me you're sorry when you're not... when you're only sorry you got caught...".  Or Jason Derulo who sang that he's sorry he got caught cheating, he only meant well... that when he becomes a star, they'll be living so large, he'd do anything for her... then why'd he cheat on her? why wouldn't he do anything for her now? ...or Eminem's songs about how he hates her but he can't leave because he loves her but he'll tie her to the bed and set the house on fire?  It's... sad and baffling... what happens in a dysfunctional relationship between two people in the name of "love".  

You know... for the amount of songs written about love and all the different viewpoints and aspects of love that are floating out there... you would think that American culture or even the English language would have more words defining the different types of love. Like wasn't there some tribe in Africa or something that had no words for one color but then like 20 words describing different kinds of red? (ok I'm probably totally mistaken right now but I thought I heard something like that somewhere...) Perhaps the Greeks love "love" more than anyone else because they actually have different words defining the different types of love. Why can't we have that?  Or are we just supposed to use the Greek words because they've already been invented and labeled? 

I don't know all the Greek love words... the few I can think of right now are phileo, eros, and agape.  Knowing me... I could be totally wrong and they're not even Greek.  Is it another language?  Whatevers.

Wouldn't it be helpful to know... if someone says "I love you"... if they're actually saying "I phileo you" or "I eros you" or "I agape you"?  Then you could be like... ok well... I phileo you too... or... hm... you might eros me but I phileo you, so see ya later, buddy, we're not looking for the same thing.  Somehow it just sounds so strange, but I think that it would help to better communicate what someone actually means when they say, "I love you" and what it means to say it back.

Anyway, to continue that conversation I was having with my friend... I think we decided that it was kind of a good thing... if my obsession with love is centered on God and His love, primarily. 

And then I re-read the little tagline thing that I wrote underneath my blog title.  Most of you probably don't read this directly from my blog so you probably didn't even notice when I changed the black (mourning) background to sky blue with flowers and clouds or some kind of abstract prettiness... and maybe this will be the first time you're reading this... but this blog is entitled Lavish Love with the subtitle/dedication or description being...

...the overflow from the heart of an ordinary girl, refined by the fire of widowdom & captivated by the breath-takingly lavish love of her God--- For Anderson. 6/27/81-7/22/09. I'll see you soon, my love.

God's love has captivated me.  It takes my breath away.  It makes sense that I would have an obsession for love and then when I found the source of the most perfect, the most amazing love beyond my greatest imagination... that it would take my breath away and captivate my heart and mind... and soul.  Totally makes logical sense to me. 

This post is really scattered and all over the place and I want to sleep so I'm going to end it prematurely... maybe I'll have to continue it another day... but...  here are the remainders of the scattered thoughts...in no particular order or flow of logic.


Steps for life: (1) God loves us (2) I love God (3) I love others.  When I keep my mind and my life running in this sequential order... all is well and all is peaceful.  I talked for days on these 3 steps at retreat.  I think the only way I was able to give like 4 messages on these steps is because... I'm obsessed. Good times, good times.   

I still talk about the retreat I went to with 7 Tiffany/Tiffanie's.  <3

To love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength... is to be consumed with loving God... every single aspect of my life... dedicated to loving God...

Sometimes... not all the time... but sometimes... I'm really sensitive (and appreciative, I think...) of the love I receive from people.  Lately, I've been feeling very loved.  I think sometimes... when God knows that I'm being tormented by certain things... He brings people into my life to remind me that I'm loved and I'm beautiful... even if it's a creepy patient who says "you're so pretty..." and follows it with a sinister laugh at least 3x every time I go into the room.

I've been so busy lately that I've decided to cut down my hanging out activities to one person per day off and... also... that I won't go actively pursuing people to hang out with me... but that (at least for now), I will make an effort to hang out with people who initiate with me first.  Initially, I thought that my schedule would totally clear out because I'm usually the initiator... since I clean out my inbox every month or so and follow up on emails people have failed to return me... or if I think about someone, I'll just contact them and ask how they're doing and if they want to meet up... but yeah.  So I used to think that I was the major initiator... but during the past few months that I've been allowing other people to initiate with me... I'm finding that... a lot of people actually want to hang out with me... and... I might be wrong... but I think that means that... people like me.  LOL.  Anyway... having people initiate with me...really speaks loudly to my love languages.  I feel so, so loved when people pursue me.  And I'm not writing this to get you to initiate with me, my friend... I'm still growing and learning how to manage my time wisely... but for now... this is what I've allowed for myself... and it's also giving me a little more freedom to let go of some things that I don't have as much time for nowadays. 

I got a chance to meet up with someone special... someone who I thought I might not get to see this side of eternity... but who has blessed me immensely... and who also made a very large effort to hang out with me... and I felt so loved by her. 

This is me almost poking her eye out with my floppy hat.

And then today... I decided to walk around the mall... in pursuit of a pair of black pants I thought I wanted... I think I tried on like 5 pairs of pants... no luck.  And then I randomly walked by a store and one of the t-shirts caught my eye.  It had a Bible verse on it... but it looked pretty hip.  I was intrigued.  I looked at the fliers at the door and there was one for Calvary Chapel lying in a messy heap of paper.  Even more intrigued.  This store looked a little like hot topic... but had Christian music playing and wall-to-wall Christian t-shirts that didn't look like something I would automatically throw into a donation bin (sorry... it's the harsh truth...).  When I walked in, a salesman came up to me and asked me if I've ever been in the store before, I said no.  He asked me if I knew what the name of the store meant and I said no.  So he proceeded to tell me that it the store name, C28, stands for Colossians 2:8.  I said, wow.  He said, is that a good wow or a bad wow.  I said, a good wow.  It made me happy.  It made me so happy I felt like buying t-shirts. It almost made me wish that I actually wore these kinds of t-shirts, but... I don't think I will... So 3 lucky friends are getting the t-shirts I bought from this store.  And it's so funny... that the t-shirts I bought say, "His love...never fails".  I'm telling you, I'm obsessed. 

it's not much, but it's all I have.

There were so many shirts... so many having to do with love and God's love, the vine, trees... etc. etc.  It made me happy to see artwork about my obsession.  It almost felt like I had gone to an art show... I was so intensely interested in so many of the shirts... shirts that I liked to look at, but couldn't see myself wearing. One shirt in particular caught my eye.  I stared at it for so long I almost cried.  It was so simple, and yet so profound. My heart... my tiny, 2D heart... is not much, but it's all I have to offer.  It's not much... but it's also the most precious thing I have to give.  I was writing some relationship advice to a friend of mine...I wrote it over a month ago and I still think on the words I wrote... and I remind myself of it from time to time because even though I wrote it and I fully believe it... I forget so easily.  

The heart is so precious.  It cannot be bought and it cannot be faked.  It is what makes life meaningful... it is from the heart that our passions arise... from where our joys radiantly exude... save it.  It is precious.  It is the most precious gift you can offer your future wife.

So I was thinking these words as I was staring at this shirt.  I saw me, offering my heart to God.  I saw Anderson offering his heart to me.  I saw a child, offering his little heart to... someone... a parent?  to God? How would anyone NOT melt into a little puddle on the floor if someone were offering their little heart to you in the likeness of this little guy? I literally almost cried in that store.  Anyway. 

When I was checking out at the register, the salesman... I can't remember if it was the same one or a different one... was just so nice.  He gave me an extra 15% off because it was my first time at the store.  He said that it was the store policy to donate 10% of the sale to one of three ministries of my choice... I chose the Mercy ministry.  And then he asked me something I've never been asked by a retail store checkout guy... he asked me if I had any prayer requests.  I don't know if they ask everybody or if he saw something in me that prompted him to say that... but he asked.  I was taken aback.  I didn't know what to say.  So many prayer requests rushed through my mind, but the only one that came out was "I've got a lot of homework".  And I do have a lot of homework.  I was up until 3am doing homework this morning.  Someone else put their shirts on the counter to pay so I took my bag and was about to walk away... when he asked me if it was OK if he prayed for me right now.  So he prayed for me, over the checkout counter at the Santa Ana Mainplace Mall.  I was really fighting hard... to hold back tears with my head bowed... as a stranger prayed for me and my homework... and prayed for me as a whole person as well.  I don't think I've ever felt so loved at the mall.  LOL.  I left that store with such a huge smile on my face... so happy to have been ministered to in the most unexpected way in an unexpected place.  God loves Tiff in such amazing ways.

And lastly... because I really really need to sleep now... another friend said something to me which continues to make me laugh...  she said "you ooze".  Ooze!  When I think of the word "ooze"... I think of green or yellow purulent drainage oozing out of a patient's obviously infected (and totally nasty) wound ... I think of my muffin oozing over the top of my jeans... not very lovely mental images.... but she said I ooze love and joy.  It made me laugh when I first read it and I kept thinking about it over and over again throughout the night.  If I had to ooze anything, I'd be happy to ooze love and joy.  Thank you, Yealee, for telling me that I ooze.  LOL.

btw, the tv show thing is scheduled to air on April 18, 10am and 6pm... on a Korean satellite channel unbeknownst to me... but will be posted on the KAC website shortly after. 

good night/morning, loves.
<3,
Tiff