I've spent nearly every waking minute of the past few days working on my final paper for my class. I wrote before I went to work, I wrote in between work and church, I wrote until I fell asleep, I wrote when I woke up... I turned it in last night and my brain felt squeezed dry. Apparently I still have words to type though...even though it feels like my thoughts are so fragile... like soap bubbles that would pop the moment I try to touch and access them. I want to rest. I want to veg. But I can't. This question is plaguing me.
"what do you want me to do for you?"
Jason said it in his sermon yesterday. It reminded me of the time that I wrote about that question... and it took me like an hour digging through my blog posts trying to find it. I FINALLY found it... hidden in my post from October 9, 2010.
That for which she longs
is that for which she belongs - Linda Dillow
I also read about the 2 blind men who called out to Jesus. Jesus stopped and asked them, "what do you want Me to do for you?"
Why would he ask that? Is it not completely obvious what they want? Their heart's desire is for their greatest deficit to become restored and made whole, complete, and functional again. Maybe He just wanted them to ask.
And then I thought about myself. If you were to look at me... look at my life... if you had to say, "oh that girl there... that's the [fill in the blank]"... what would you fill in that blank for me?
Am I... the nurse? Am I... that Asian girl? That bio major? The one who writes those long, boring blogs? What would you say, really? I want to know. Curious.
For me... the characteristic that stands out most to me... the aspect that has defined me more than any other... is... that I am a widow.
And what would the widow ask for? Like the blind men... I think any widow would ask for his/her greatest deficit to be restored. It is that for which our hearts ache for, isn't it? The situation that we wake up to every single day and wish that it weren't so?
Sometimes, I think I fear asking for it. I know I have. But I asked it in timidity... and then moved on as if it were some shameful thing to ask for. Is that how you would ask for the greatest desire of your heart?
I thought about that question ever since I heard it again. If Jesus were to ask me right now, "what do you want Me to do for you?"... what would my answer be? What is the one thing that I would ask for if I could?
I had to stop and think about what I felt the greatest deficits are in my life. I must think about what I don't have if I want to ask for the greatest desire of my heart.
There was a time when I would have blurted, "I want Anderson back" without hesitation if Jesus were to ask me what I wanted Him to do for me. I still do want him back, don't get me wrong...but I am promised to be with him forever in eternity so... I don't really need to ask for that. I just have to be patient and wait for what was promised me.
I went down the line through my list of "wants"... and with every "want", I found that He had already given it to me. I am well taken care of.
The answer that I thought I came up with was... nothing. I don't want you to do anything for me, Jesus. You have done it all already. What do you want me to do for YOU?
I had decided that "nothing" was my answer... and then I started to waver. What about my current singleness? This was the one "want" that I dwelt on the longest and it is the one "want" that threatened my commitment to my final answer.
Yesterday was Palm Sunday. Jason preached about the "triumphal entry" of Jesus into Jerusalem and how it marked the start of Passion Week. I don't think I'd given much thought to it. I thought it was a happy affair. Yay for laying down your coats and putting palm branches down on the floor and crying out "Hosanna!" to Jesus as He mozied on by riding on the donkey. I'd never given much thought to the fact that a donkey is an animal of dishonor, not an animal of honor. Cool ppl don't ride donkeys; they ride mighty stallions. Jason mentioned that Shrek had a donkey. And that donkey was pretty darn annoying. So I imagined Jesus riding into Jerusalem on Shrek's donkey. Jibber jabbering away... with incessant commentary on the color of that cloak or that palm branch is really fibrous or don't step on that little bug... blah blah blah...
I thought about the people of Jerusalem... the Jews of Jesus's day. They thought the Messiah was coming to overthrow Rome, bring world peace... sit on the throne and rule... and He was... He did... He will. Just not exactly the way they thought. It's not that their expectations were too lowly... they were good expectations... but Jesus knew better and Jesus sought to do better than just overthrowing Rome and bringing political freedom. Jesus came to overthrow sin and bring us ultimate freedom... a hope, a love, a peace, and a joy that lasts for an eternity. A good king brings peace and happiness to their land... but usually only for the time they're in power. Jesus's plans extended much higher than earthly reigns and earthly kingdoms... He sits and rules on high... forever and ever... in an eternal kingdom... into which we have been invited to obtain citizenship. The benefits of living in this kingdom... are eternal. They can never be taken away... they are ours by virtue of our identity... as princes and princesses of the Most High God. El Elyon. And we have been given a glimpse of the abundance of this eternal life... here on earth. Love. Joy. Peace.
So the Jews of that time... and maybe some of us right now... we don't get it. We don't understand why Jesus would come on a squeaky donkey. We don't understand why we're still captives of Rome. We don't understand why we're oppressed... why things have happened the way they have. Why am I single? Why was I widowed? Why did You give me the man of my dreams only to take him away and leave me all alone? And why am I now, almost 30, and even more single than I was when I was 17? At least at 17, I thought I was surrounded by possibilities. At 30, it feels like a desert wasteland. Okay, okay, I'm still 29 but one year isn't going to change anything. 30 sounds more dramatic. I'm gonna stick with 30.
LOL... the way I remembered this little excerpt in my head was, "na ah, honey, don't you argue with the process... you ain't done yet." I laughed when I went back and found what I had actually read.
In one of George MacDonald's books, one of the characters makes this bitter statement: "I wonder why God made me. I certainly don't see any purpose in it!" Another of the characters responds, "Perhaps you don't see any purpose yet, but then, He isn't finished making you. And besides, you are arguing with the process." - Streams, April 17.
Maybe the Jews back in the day were meant to be confused about the whole thing. Maybe since they didn't have the Holy Spirit yet, their spiritual eyes weren't opened and they just couldn't get it. Or maybe they should have gotten it... maybe it woulda saved them some blood, sweat, and tears if they had remembered throughout the crazy events that this is exactly what Jesus said would happen. Maybe they just didn't have faith. When Mary went to the tomb and found it empty... she cried. And the angel asked her... "why are you crying?" and I can't remember exactly what she said but she was looking for Jesus's body... and the angel had to remind her that He's not here... He's risen. And then she was filled with joy.
The strength of our faith is in direct proportion to our level of belief that God will do exactly what He has promised. Faith has nothing to do with feelings, impressions, outward appearances, nor the probability or improbability of an event. If we try to couple these things with faith, we are no longer resting on the Word of God, because faith is not dependent on them. Faith rests on the pure Word of God alone. And when we take Him at His Word, our hearts are at peace. -George Mueller.
So maybe prior to my settling on my "final answer"... maybe I have a little conversation with Jesus first and I ask Him... why things had to be this way... how come I had to go through life like this? Am I just better when I'm single? Would having a man in my life hold me back? Why was I denied the pleasures of being a wife? Why was I denied motherhood? Why weren't there any mini Tiffersons? Wouldn't they have been beautiful little things? Would it have been too hard to set me up with a little house... just me and my husband... maybe a couple of little Tiffersons... and for me to just live out a nice, peaceful existence? Why so much drama? Why all the suffering? Why all the pain?
And I see Jesus patiently absorbing my "why" questions with a look of perfect peace. When I finally pause to take a breath... He asks, very gently... "done?"
"I guess. Are you going to answer all of those questions or some of them or none of them...?"
"I'm answering all of them in two words: trust Me. Just... trust Me."
"...but..."
"Trust Me"
Trust Him. He knows better than I do. My faith in action... is to say OK... and then... wait. Actively wait in anticipation.
I might not fully get it right now.. but I trust that You are the God you say You are... You will do what You've said You'll do... and You have proven Yourself faithful, steadfast, immutable, and most of all, loving... since the beginning of time. If You planned it this way... You did it for a reason. I will wait for your plans to unfold. I will wait and trust in You.
Hm... peace...
g'night...g'morning...
<3,
Tiff
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