I've had this song playing on repeat in my head for maybe a week now.
What heights of love, what depths of peaceToday would have been Tifferson's 3-year anniversary. I worked today. It was my third shift and I was pretty tired. But I did have to write the date a lot today... to note orders... consents... blood transfusions... every single time I wrote 1/10/12, (and I'm having problems remembering it's 2012 now... I've been signing things as 2011 by habit...) I felt my heart twinge a little bit... but I couldn't stop. Normally the dates don't really bother me... but for some reason this year it did. I had not the luxury to ponder my anniversary today. I was non-stop busy.
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
It was a good day though. It wasn't the best day ever, but I was super busy and I got a crazy amount of work done today. I managed to get all my work done without having to stay late. I'm still training in the ICU. I think it's starting to hit me... how much I don't know and how much I still have left to learn. I did have some really encouraging moments today despite the crazy busy-ness.
I worked Sunday, Monday and Tuesday... I had the same two patients all 3 days. And these patients family members or visitors were very encouraging to me. They were a little bit high maintenance but... I was pretty surprised at the depth of peace and understanding that I had for these family members. Both families had members who were really strong Christians. I actually think they could sense our commonalities even though I never said anything. I can't remember how it happened but we just started talking about God and scripture and it was so natural. They read scripture to their family members and I was so very touched. They even prayed with each other for each other.
Before I left... both families made it a point to thank me in their own way. It was so very encouraging. I'm still so new to the unit that I feel like I bumble and fumble so much. Even if none of my co-workers or managers or supervisors tell me that I'm doing a good job... I got encouragement from the families today that this is where I was meant to be. They said things like, "you love your job, don't you?". Isn't it lovely when you actually do love your job, and then to have it show on the outside? My director also told me that a family member talked to her and told her that he made a list out of all the nurses he liked and he said that I was by far the best. I think I am, by far, the newest and the least experienced out of all of the nurses he must have listed... but I really, really wanted to become the kind of nurse that families trust with their family member when they're sick and in the hospital. I know the kind of stress you feel when you think that people aren't taking care of your loved one... I also know the kind of relief when you know and trust that the nurse is going to take care of your loved one the way you would if you could or if you knew how. It's like a vice has been loosed from your heart and you can breathe enough to take care of yourself for just a little while... maybe those 12 hours that they're on shift. I had one nurse who cared for Anderson like that. I made it one of my goals to be that kind of nurse for my patients.
Anyway... one of the things a family member asked me was that I must have lots of opportunities to minister to my patients. I had to smile and tell them that it was true. I don't think it's so much the words I say... because being in the ICU has taught me that I... am not that effective a communicator. I really need to work on giving better report. I think it's probably more in the ways I take care and take pride in my work. Even in the way I pull off a piece of tape... a family member commented on how gentle and caring he felt I was to his mother. Sometimes it's not the amazing feats of medicine you can accomplish... sometimes it's in the little things... and obviously the little things matter... if not to a family member who's scrutinizing your every move... to the God who sees all, hears all and knows all.
Perhaps it was a good thing that I didn't have the luxury to ponder the "heights of love" today. January 10, 2009 marked one of the tallest peaks of the heights of love I have attained in my life. It was the day I married the love of my life. One of my very lovely friends reminded me today that I was very blessed to even have experienced such heights... even for a short amount of time. Many people yearn to be married... to experience the kind of love that Anderson and I shared... and maybe some people never get a chance to experience it... but I have. It was the height of Anderson's love for me which allowed me to reach new heights in my capacity to love him back... and if you think I loved him with an incredible love... I can tell you for a fact that he loved me more than I ever loved him. His love for ME was amazing and I don't think I will ever stop speaking of it.
The height of Anderson's love for me... mirrors the heights of love God has for us. It is the journey towards this height of love which... both baffles me... and spurs me on... to reach new heights of love for others in my life. I am not perfect, but my heart is much more open and much more loving than it has ever been in my entire life. To joy with others' joys... even when their joy points directly to areas of emptiness in my life... to hurt when others hurt... even when I have never experienced anything like the hurts they experience... is something special.
And you would think that experiencing such heights of love would equate to experiencing depths of despair as well... but... I think that... in the love of Christ... those heights of love somehow find its equivalency in depths of peace. There is something amazing about being a recipient of a love that will never be taken away... will never be lost. There is nothing I can do that will stop Him from loving me... there is nothing I can do that will keep Him from lavishing His love on me. Put Him first and He will never, ever fail me. This is the kind of love which stills fear. This is the kind of love... that I need to live with every moment of every day of my life. Anything outside it is... emptiness and disappointment.
I'm pretty tired. Been awake way too long. I just wanted to end my thoughts... remembering something my patient's family told me. I had grown just a little bit attached to them after taking care of them for three days. I joked with my preceptor that their family was like my family... we're all family now. Anyway... so before I left, I had a little bit of time so I went in to say goodbye to my patient's mother. She was sitting at his bedside reading Daily Bread. I told her that I wouldn't be back until Sunday and that I was so glad to have met her and that I wished them and their family all the best. She told me that she wanted to give me a hug. It's always a little bittersweet. Sometimes you want to see these people again, but you don't want to see them under these circumstances. She gave me a hug and told me that God definitely brought us together and that our time together was a gift. It almost made me cry. It's exactly how I feel about Anderson, especially today.
Anderson Y. Chen... God definitely brought us together and our time, however short on this earth... was a gift. It was the second best gift I've ever received. The best gift ever... is the gift of Jesus... who has lovingly enabled me to continue to receive the best gift ever... until forever meets forever... and who will reunite Tifferson when the time comes... forever and ever. In light of eternity... what is another 50 or 60 years? Happy anniversary, Anderson. See you soon, my love.
<3,
Tiff
No comments:
Post a Comment