waiting

Hello blog.  It's been a while.  I skipped blogging during the entire months of April and May mostly because I was so exhausted that I chose to sleep instead.  When I wasn't sleeping, I was probably going to work.  When I wasn't working, I was probably doing homework.  When I did have time, my brain function was so low'n'slow that I had no idea what I'd write to begin with.  I am about to make more life changes so I thought that maybe I should just post for the sake of getting my feelings out and preparing for what's ahead. 

I think I've been pretty tired for the past few years.  I've only gotten more tired as I started school.  Around February of this year, I think I got to a point where I wasn't sure if I could handle the exhaustion anymore.  One particular day, I slept for 20 hours.  I might have gotten up to go to the bathroom twice but was so exhausted that I went back to bed.  I slept for almost an entire day.  It was then that I realized that I should probably try to make some changes before my body revolts on me. 

I analyzed the situation and decided that I was not about to give up school at this point (even though it was REALLY tempting...) and I wasn't going to give up seeing my friends... so I decided to try to make some changes at work.  I currently work full time nights in our medical/surgical ICU.  I approached my director multiple times but no viable options surfaced.  It appeared that I was stuck for the moment. 

Many thoughts entered my mind.  Not all of them positive... but at the end of the day, I thought that maybe...since all these doors were being closed... that it wasn't time to move.  Maybe it was time to stay put and suck it up.  Do the best with what I've got... and honestly, what I've got isn't bad at all. 

It never occurred to me to look to another unit, but as chance would have it... I went to a free dinner at Mastro's and two other nurses from my hospital also went.  These two nurses worked in the cardiovascular ICU unit, which is called CVU at my hospital.  They encouraged me to turn around and take a look at the doors in the other direction.  Long story short, the director of CVU already knew who I was because I'd done some presentations in front of the management a few months back and when I called her, she told me she thought to herself, "wow, she must be reading my mind...because I have openings and she wants to transfer."  As many doors were closing in ICU... opportunities started to open in CVU.  It was almost as if... the winds were routing me in this direction.  Such is the story of my life. 

At the beginning of April, I accepted a position for day shift on CVU.  These past two months have been spent waiting.  It took a while for me to be released from my current unit.  I only received my transfer date a couple weeks ago.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  Hear Inigo Montoya say, "I hate wait." 

During this time of waiting... I did have a chance to think.  Just a little bit.  I thought about King David... anointed to be King of Israel as a youth... and then waiting... running from King Saul... waiting... ruling in Judah... and then finally making it to King of Israel.  He had been promised the throne this entire time... but I'm pretty sure as he was running, being hunted by King Saul's men... getting kicked out of one country... being a nomad with his army band of misfits... he must have wondered and cried out... why?  And then bingo, a psalm was written.  And then I heard on the radio... about Jacob and Joseph... not wanting to leave their bones in Egypt... and how it was a result of their faith...that Egypt was not the final destination... the Promised Land was.  So I tried to keep my eyes focused on the promise and not the current situation.  What's the point of being disgruntled about something so temporary?  It's like grumbling about the loaner when your car's in the shop... this isn't your car... it's just a placeholder.  And then I thought about how all of life is like that.  Life here on earth... it's not the end.  This isn't all there is.  This is not my eternal resting place or my home forever... just for maybe another 50 odd years.  Part of it is waiting... but another part is living... if I'm going to wait... I'm going to wait with excellence.  If between me and Anderson... if I'm the one that got a chance to live... I want to live with excellence as well. 

I also had a thought... why so many changes?  Am I restless?  Am I discontent?  Do I make changes for the sake of torturing myself?  I don't know.  I don't consider myself a masochist.  And a part of me does fear the unknown.  A part of me does push myself to the limit to see how far I can go.  And I guess some part of me decided that switching back and forth between staying up all night and staying up all day was something I wanted to change... so I did.  I did 2.5 years on night shift so I can definitely say that I can do it.  But the combination between night shift, school, dissertation stuff... I think it's a little too much for me right now so I'm scaling back.  I don't see anything wrong with that. 

And then I wondered... am I making changes because winds blow me in any particular direction?  When is it time to drop the anchor and when is it time to pull up the sail?  Are my changes reactionary or proactive?  Is this folly or wisdom?  Are these changes just a part of growth and learning? Why does it seem like so many people delay making changes and why does it seem like I can't wait for them to happen?  Maybe it's hope.  Hope that things could be better than they are.  I think that's what I'm hoping.  Maybe it's that hope that pushes me... the hope that's stronger than the fear that things could get worse.  Then I guess that makes me an optimist. 

I read this today in an ad:

Most people go to work.  Nurses go to care.

During my time of waiting... I think that work had begun to seem like... work.  I'd have my good days and my bad days but overall... I think I was kinda sad or depressed.  It was like... I had become a foggy version of myself.  I could still recognize myself but nothing felt that happy... nothing felt that sad... it was just... blah-ness.  Everyday blah-ness.  And I didn't want to live like that either.  I was listening to the radio and there was a song playing... but there was some static.  I could still hear the song because I'd recognized it and I'd heard it before... but there was static over it... obscuring the song enough so that if someone hadn't heard it before, they might not remember it again.  I don't want to be that kind of person or live that kind of life.  I don't want people to meet me or see me and not remember the essence of me.  I want it to be strong and obvious... plain and simple... bold and colorful, not washed out.  I want to be the best version of myself and the best version of myself is the one that's directly connected to my Source of life.  I had to move myself to get out of the way of the obstacles that were messing with my connection.  Heard this song on the radio too. 

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

The two things that stood out to me were the "all consuming passion inside of me" and to a lesser extent, "just okay is not enough".  I want all consuming passion inside of me.  I remember something that I said about Anderson's legacy in the Upper Room interview... that everything I do nowadays is a result of the overflow of love in my heart.  I wrote essays about it for school.  It helps me see my patients and their families as people instead of just a job.  I think I needed this time of waiting to help remind me of that before I got to a place where I couldn't even recognize myself anymore... with no joy in anything... with fake smiles that hid the nothingness and emptiness I felt inside.  Sometimes I stop and ask myself where my joy is... where my bubblies went.  I know something's wrong when I have no bubblies. 

And then maybe the past week... I started "waking up" little by little.  I talked to a couple people I hadn't talked to in a while.  They helped remind me of things.  It helped remind me of who I am.  I read some of my old blog posts.  I re-read my Inheritance Article. I looked at old pictures.  And then... I got this award.

And I cried. 

I cried as the presenter was reading my scholarship essay out loud.  Hearing him use my own words to remind me why I became a nurse and why I wanted to pursue additional education to further my career... it hit me again... about who I am and what I do.  Everything about me is inextricably a part of who I am... the nurse... the widow... the woman... and it's OK to make changes to help me be the best I can be.  And I always tell myself... I know it's a good day when I've cried.  It means that my heart has moved... I've purged.  Good signs.  Reminding me who I am. 

After I cried, I had to go to work.  It was my last night shift.  I tried my best to enjoy it.  A couple people told me some reasons why they don't want day shift... that they couldn't stand the busy-ness... all the people... and I just smiled.  I like the interaction.  I like the people.  I like talking to doctors.  I stayed after work to talk to some day shifters.  It also reminded me about who I was and what I love.  And then I watched a GI doc do an EGD and place a PEG at the bedside.  It was pretty crazy amazing.  And then I thought about how many more cool things I'll get to see on day shift and also on a new unit.  So... I'm hopeful. All this waiting had a purpose and now that it's done... I can look back on all the good things that came from the waiting and leave behind the frustration and anger at why it had to happen this way in the first place. 

And maybe for when I forget... I should write this down so I can remind myself later...

There's always a reason for everything He allows to happen.  It's looking for those reasons and choosing to believe the best in God that makes the difference between gratitude and bitterness.  Sometimes people make it harder to see but... I know that (insert name here) means well even if it doesn't come across that way or if I don't understand the reasons at the time.  

K.  I think I'm done writing down my scattered thoughts.  Hope they made sense.  Until next time...
<3,
Tiff