with all my heart

I first read this 7 hours ago and it impacted me so deeply that I'm still thinking about it.

With All Your Heart  (excerpted from Waking the Dead by John Eldredge)
The heart is the connecting point, the meeting place between any two persons. The kind of deep soul intimacy we crave with God and with others can be experienced only from the heart. I know a man who took his daughter to dinner; she was surprised, delighted. For years she had been hoping he would pursue her. When they had been seated, he pulled out his Day Timer and began to review the goals he had set for her that year. "I wanted to burst into tears and run out of the restaurant," she said. We don't want to be someone's project; we want to be the desire of their heart. Gerald May laments, "By worshiping efficiency, the human race has achieved the highest level of efficiency in history, but how much have we grown in love?"           We've done the same to our relationship with God. Christians have spent their whole lives mastering all sorts of principles, done their duty, carried on the programs of their church . . . and never known God intimately, heart to heart. The point is not an efficient life of activity—the point is intimacy with God. "You will find me," God says, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13). As Oswald Chambers said, "So that is what faith is—God perceived by the heart."           What more can be said, what greater case could be made than this: to find God, you must look with all your heart. To remain present to God, you must remain present to your heart. To hear his voice, you must listen with your heart. To love him, you must love with all your heart. You cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life he meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.

Sometimes I skip right to the action points because I've automatically assumed that my motivation is from the overflow of love in my heart... but if I don't check my heart first... I can so easily find myself motivated by "love of self" or "love for others" and then end up drained or frustrated or annoyed at things or people... and that is not a love that comes from God.

I'm also guilty of asking others... how they've been doing... how have their quiet times been... have they been reading the Bible... going to church... and while it's not bad, in and of itself, to ask about those things... what I really care about is how they're doing with God.  But... I realized... that I didn't exactly ask that.  It'd be like asking my friend how she's doing with her boyfriend... but only asking about how many times they went to dinner this week or how many times they saw each other.  It's quantifiable but not exactly asking about the quality.  I should just ask how people are doing... how are they feeling... how their relationship with God is right now... and get at the heart of what I want to know as opposed to skirting around the issue or making it seem like I equate spiritual disciplines with a relationship with God when it may or may not necessarily be the case.  I apologize, dear friends... if I ever made you feel like I cared more about what you do than who you are.  I've apologized to the people that came to mind but I've probably missed some.

In a season where I'm doing some heavy duty evaluating of myself, my situation... what has happened in 2013 and what I would like to happen in 2014... I came up with quite a list of things to work on next year.  Some are quantifiable and easily attainable... some other ones... not so much.   I realized after reading this excerpt that... the person I am isn't directly correlated with my academic achievements or how many personal goals I've met... or how many professional benchmarks I surpass.  The sum of those things doesn't make me a better person... neither does the collective sum of my "failures" detract from my worth or value this year.

The best version of myself... is the version of me that God created and that He intended for me to be... is not the one that makes great New Year's resolutions and keeps them.  The best version of me is the one that is most reliant on Him and least reliant on myself... the one that lays down my flesh and my own ways and my thinking... and takes up His ways... His thinking... His commandments... His wisdom.  The sin and selfishness in my own heart take me further and further away from the best version of myself.  It is the pursuit of holiness that brings me closer to Christ-likeness... and all that comes with it... joy, fulfillment, peace... love... kindness, goodness, self-control.

You cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life he meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.

I've been studying Philippians for the past few weeks.  I'm preparing myself to lead a study on chapter 1 at my life group in January and I'm thankful for the month or so that I've had to prepare.  Philippians was one of my favorite books of the Bible when I was younger... I can't even remember why because if you'd asked me what I liked about it, I might not have been able to give you a specific or definitive response.  I just liked it.  It was encouraging to me... and probably always has been and always will be.

I... don't know if I want to give a complete spoiler to any of my small group members but... I can just give an overview of my process and my findings. Chances are we won't have time to get through everything I want to so maybe I'll just do it on here just so I don't feel like all my prep time was "wasted"... not that any time communing with God is ever wasted.

Something a good friend said to me last week about Philippians was that his overarching take home message was something along the lines of...

My level of contentment is in direct proportion to my level of faith - Ted Kau, paraphrased

I've also been thinking about this repeatedly since I heard it.  When I said it to my other friend, she said that she swears I've said something like that before in the past... but I can't remember if I ever said it... it seemed new and fresh to me when I heard it possibly "again".  Anyway... I've been thinking about it and that statement really does sum up a lot of the main points of Philippians... how Paul has learned to be OK in plenty or in want... how he can say that being imprisoned has actually served to further the gospel of Christ... how even when people intend to harm him... that he doesn't care why... but that if the gospel is preached, then he's happy.  Paul's contentment and peace is... baffling really.  We might know in our heads that Paul was imprisoned and he was singing praise songs while down there... but how many of us would be doing what he did... and taking EVERY opportunity in EVERY situation... to further the gospel of Christ?  Can I be content in every circumstance...?  Knowing in my heart with full confidence that He has my good and the good of others orchestrated perfectly?  How seamlessly does my faith flow into my thoughts... my actions... my contentment... my joy?

As I was reading and re-reading and re-re-reading... I kept gathering more and more things that I wanted to share with my life group.  I felt like a hoarder... with my arms full and not wanting to let go or put down ANYTHING that I collected.  It got to the point where I was starting to get upset that I only had ONE DAY... and in actuality... only maybe 1-1.5 hours to get through one chapter and I kinda got bratty and was crying out in my head... "no fair!  I don't have enough time!!!" ... and then I realized how ridiculous I was being and decided to go back and review everything once again and pull out a few main points to focus on.  I read the chapter one more time and what popped out to me was Paul's overwhelming joy... his conviction... his passion.  And then I thought about... where this passion comes from... and it comes from Christ... and more specifically... from the greatest act of love on the history of the planet... His death and resurrection... a sacrifice of unfathomable proportion... to achieve a reconciliation only attainable by God himself... fueled by His great love for us.  The gospel.

So what is the point of going through this study... if we are not all on the same page re: the gospel?  It's so huge.  So often overlooked in day to day life... and yet... it is the reason for everything.  Aye... so deep... I can't even do it justice.

And then I thought again about how I organize life... the Christian life... priorities... and it is in these 3 points...

1.  God loves me.
2.  I love God.
3.  I love others.

Taken in this order... everything falls into place.

Point 1... the gospel falls into there.  I KNOW He loves me and He loved me first... by taking extravagant measures to show me His love... without any guarantee that I would love Him back.  He knew me... and knew my deepest needs... and He took care of them for me... and leaves me signs and love notes all around me so that I would realize and recognize His love... He pursues me with a passion and fervor unlike any in this world... and waits for my response.

Point 2...  the natural response after realizing how much Someone has loved me FIRST... would be to love Him back.  It's so many things wrapped into one... it's gratitude... it's amazement... it's awe... it's that feeling that I am special... I am set apart... I'm valued and I am seen... I am deeply and completely known and loved anyway... faults and all... and it's like falling, without fear or reservation, into the arms of my one true Love.  It's freeing.  It's comforting.

I also can't remember if I've posted this quote before...

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” - Tim Keller

So how do I show God I love Him?  How do I show that I love anything?  I go all out and immerse myself in it... with all my heart.  I learn everything I can about Him.  I spend time with Him... to know Him back.  I learn about His character... His goodness... His perfection... His wisdom... His holiness... His righteousness... His fairness... and not only learn it... but DO it.  I dwell in His brilliance and while I don't fully understand His ways... if I do what He says... I benefit from His wisdom and I show Him that I trust His ways more than I trust my own.  I learn what He loves and I love what He loves by proxy.  And if you know ANYTHING at all about what God loves... you hafta know that He loves people.  I don't choose between loving God and loving people... not mutually exclusive... they go together in perfect harmony.  I love God and love people the way God does... and the way God loves people is far better and far more perfect than any way I could imagine.

Point 3... I love people.  Philippians 1:22-25... to live in the flesh... means fruitful labor... for other people's progress and joy in the faith.  Paul talks about how he yearns for the Philippians with the affection of Jesus Christ... he thanks God in all his remembrance of them... always praying for them in joy... holding them in his heart... hoping the best for them.

He hopes that (v.9-11):

• their love may abound more and more 
• they grow in love with knowledge and discernment
• they approve what is excellent
• they be pure and blameless for the day of Christ
• they be filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes from Jesus Christ
• all of this happens for the glory and praise of God.

Phil. 1:27... let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ... so that I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel.

If my manner of life results in... my reputation... and if someone were to hear of me... what would I want to be known for?  What would I want my life group to be known for... my church community to be known for...? 

I would want to be known as... having led a life that is worthy of the gospel of Christ... that serves to back up the claim that life in Christ leads to an abundant life... to have perfect peace and a steadfast mind... for all the things Paul hopes for the Philippians in verses 9-11... for all the fruit of the Spirit to be evident in my life... that I am an excellent worker... a faithful friend... and that whether it be by words or actions... that everywhere I go and to every person I meet... I brought the light of Christ to illuminate the dark... 

... and also that I can parallel park the way it's supposed to be done (and not the 7+ point turn it requires me nowadays), lose 5+ lbs of fat, finish my dissertation and pass boards, do at least one wide grip pull-up from a dead hang, be a better listener, and hone/refine/discover/utilize my spiritual giftings to bless and encourage everyone around me... and probably more stuff as I think of it... in 2014 and beyond... until I'm no longer on this earth.  

It's been a great year, my friends... and I'm pretty sure 2014 will be another exceptional one.  

Aaaaand I didn't even write about the 4 other discussion topics + 3-4 questions I wrote for each topic... so... I'm pretty sure we'll still have plenty to talk about even if members of my life group read this post beforehand.  And another thing I also love about the group... is that even when something is planned out and prepared for... sometimes bringing together everyone and how we all respond to one another's sharing and perspectives... organically creates something totally new and different that the discussion leader never intended.  I think it's happened a few times... so things might not even come out the way I planned or prepared for it to go... but it doesn't mean that I shouldn't put in an effort that I know God would be pleased with.  We'll see how it goes.  I still have a few more weeks to work on it.  It might morph into a completely different study by then.  

:P

Merry Christmas, dear friends.

much much love,

Tiff

P.S. pray for me... I really need to finish my dissertation thingee soon.  It's dragging.  I want to defend before my birthday at the end of January.  Hopefully earlier.  Get 'er done, Tiff... get 'er done... 

2013

On Tuesday, I heard the same sermon on the radio twice about journaling and then during small group time, we shared about our highlights and lowlights of 2013.  It got me thinking that it's probably about time to squeeze out a blog post.  The radio sermon made lots of good points about the benefits of journaling.  For example... journaling helps chronicle our walk with God... our life journey... it helps us sort out messes and chaos... helps us see answered prayers... but all in all, what it helps me do the most is (1) self-counsel & (2) encourage myself at a later time.

This year has been a roller coaster for me.  I can recall wallowing in despair quite a few times this year.  I've had some pretty low lows... probably the lowest lows since Anderson passed away and yet in looking back at the lows, I can also pinpoint how God ministered to me in pretty amazing ways to get me out of it.  He reminded me He can provide in miraculous ways... through bringing all kinds of amazing new friends into my life.  He sent me living, breathing reminders of His love and faithfulness to me... it was as if He were telling me... "don't give up hope.  I see you.  I hear you.  I know you... and I love you.  I am yours and you are Mine."  And it left me speechless with my mouth gaping open... every time.  Don't worry.  I'm still single.  You didn't miss anything huge.  I made some pretty amazing friends this year, that's all.  Friends that I can barely believe that I've only known them for less than a year because I somehow can't imagine life before them anymore.

If you want to grow in new and different ways... you're gonna hafta do things you've never done before. And if I'm doing things I've never done before, I know I'm growing in new and different ways. Pray for me, my friends. I need all the help I can get! — feeling hopeful. - FB status, July 6, 2013

I did a lot of "firsts" this year.  I did clinic hours as a NP student.  I started working out more regularly.  It was mostly because I keep buying all these fancy workout clothes and I hardly wore them... so I figured I should... wear what I bought... and do the activities they were made for.  I did a few races this year.  I shot a gun for the first time... or maybe I should rephrase that and say that I shot GUNS for the first time this year.  Shotgun, handgun, rifle.  I shot a compound bow for the first time this year too.  Hopefully I can do something with swords sometime soon.  Perhaps that would round out my weapons training.  I played on a softball team this year for the first time since before Anderson passed away.  I bowled a lot this year too... again for the first time since Anderson passed away.  I feel like I made a lot of personal growth steps this year.  I suppose the biggest thing was that I implemented my own research study.  I felt like it was a very big-girl, adult thing to do.  Can't say that I'd enjoy doing it again tho.  But I did it.  It's done.  Now all I hafta do is analyze what I did and write it up.  Oh joy.

Spiritually, I also feel like I've been challenged in new and different ways this year.  I originally left my home church... what was it... 3 yrs ago?... with the intention of growing in new and different ways.  I think that every step I took after I left had been challenging me anew but I think that this year God took it to a different level.  There was deeper darkness, deeper cleaning... and deeper plowing... but also... I think there was more freedom and the roots of faith were able to go down deeper into my heart and soul this year than ever before.  The plowing this year was excruciatingly painful... and often times I would just cry out in agony from being churned up and pushed to and fro in ways I didn't want to go... but once the plow had passed... I realized that I could breathe better and easier than before... that there was a greater purpose in it and the pain and "disturbance" was seriously just a light and momentary affliction which was purposed for an eternal weight of glory much higher and greater than I could imagine myself.

I went to the park today.  I love where I live and I love that I can walk 2 minutes down the street and lay down in the grass underneath my favorite triad of trees... and just stare at the sky.  Right now, the leaves on my favorite tree with the heart-shaped leaves are all yellow... but it kinda reminds me of the season I'm in right now as well.  Spring will come again.  I can be assured of that.

I sat down at the table at the park today and randomly flipped the Bible open.  I was heading towards Philippians but something at the end of Ephesians caught my eye and reminded me of a conversation I was having with a friend yesterday... about how God was waking me from my sleep.

Ephesians 5:13 But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 14 for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,“Awake, O sleeper,    and arise from the dead,and Christ will shine on you.”

My lowest lows this year were accompanied by dark depression.  None of the episodes lasted for very long... maybe a few weeks... sometimes a few days... but the longest period was two months.  Sometimes I knew why I was down... sometimes I didn't... but when I was... it felt like I was lingering in darkness.  Nothing stirred me.  All I wanted to do was sleep and numb myself with binge watching TV shows and crushing candy.  I felt dead inside.  It was either that or I felt so much emotion that I was like... collapsed on the floor and wailing.  I much prefer the wailing than the numbness.  In my numbness... even food brought me no joy.  No food joy.  Tiff is super sad when she has no food joy.

God never stopped calling out to me though.  Sometimes He used the darkness to bring about some deep cleaning.  Usually, I needed to do something drastic to break my cycle of darkness/moodiness.  Most recently, I decided that I wasn't spending enough time meditating on the Word of God.  So I decided to set aside time and just sit... be quiet... and wait.  I think I was out of practice for a while but it got easier... and I can definitely see an improvement in my moods and general perspective on my days.  I think reinstating this spiritual discipline... was like me taking action to "arise from the dead"... and what happened afterwards was that Christ shone on me.

The rest of the section in Ephesians 5 was also a good one to meditate on...

15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart,20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

One of the most powerful and effective ways to get me out of a funk... is for me to tell stories about God's faithfulness in my life.  I can't help but be thankful and change my attitude when story after story of God's amazing power... His masterful handiwork in weaving the events of my life... adding layers upon layers of meticulous planning... perfect timing... bountiful provision... I can't help but to be amazed by His faithfulness in my life and because He is who He is... constant... ever-present...never-changing... He has been faithful and He will continue to be... right now and in the future.  I can count on Him because He has never failed and He won't start now.

Giving thanks always and for everything... I am thankful...

• that I'm almost done with school.  I'll graduate when I finish my dissertation thingee... and when I complete my defense.  I'm in the process of working through my data.  Ugh.  Almost done tho.  Sort of.  Hopefully I'll be done by the end of January.  I hope to be done ASAP but I have no idea how that will happen with the holidays... and seeing how long it's taking to get my data analyzed... and I haven't even figured out what it all means yet.  Still so much work to do... I WILL graduate by May for sure though.  I WILL defend my dissertation before mid February for SURE.  Cuz that's the deadline before I hafta pay another round of tuition and no amount of laziness is worth the extra thousands of dollars that would cost.  
• for family.  I've been spending more time with my family lately.  It's been good.  I realize that I spend a lot of time with my friends and not as much with the people in my family.  I should be caring for them even MORE than I care for others and I'm glad that this year, there have been more opportunities to do so.  I think this will continue into next year and I'm excited for where it takes us.  
• for a job.  I've taken so many leaves this year to focus on clinicals and schoolwork... and I'm thankful that I still have a job... that my co-workers are always so encouraging and lovely.  They are so very supportive of me that it makes going to work seem like hanging out with friends sometimes.  The people on my unit are so amazing that they make me feel like I can handle just about anything because they've always got my back.  This is not something I take for granted.  I know it's special and it's a gift.  
• for community.  I think back to two years ago and I was at the point where I was leaving one church because of the lack of community... and one year ago... I felt blessed that I actually had people in my church community who were my friends... and this year, God has strengthened and increased my friendships even more.  I'm so amazed by the amount and quality of friendships that have developed over this past year.  This is also not something I take for granted.  These are people with whom I can live life with... share prayer requests... bounce ideas off of.  I have people all around me who bless me and encourage me... who talk about life with me... who talk about God with me... who share songs and praises... and who also share problems and issues.  Every single person who shares a small piece of their life with me... blesses me with the privilege to experience life with them.  This means a LOT to me and more than anything else... I value having this community and the struggles that come along with it... than to not have community and be struggling because of a lack of it.  There are still many areas to grow in but I am just so, so thankful to be blessed with community this year.  I wish I could just name names and tell everyone why I'm thankful for them but I think that would best be done individually than on a blog that these people might never read.  

OMG I've gotten distracted so many times that I can't remember what I was going to say anymore.

Phil 1:27 Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, 

I think for the rest of the year... or the rest of my life, I guess... or... I guess every day... I want to meditate on letting my manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ.  It is most pressing that I finish up my dissertation and graduate.  I find myself being so tired of school that I know I'm not living the life of a student who is worth of the gospel of Christ.  Definitely need to be on guard and be purposeful and intentional to finish school strong.  My daily disciplines... reflect my readiness and eagerness in waiting on the Lord and what He will do in my life.  Sometimes... I really just pray that God would take me now.  If I had the option to die this very hour, I totally would... to escape from having to finish my paper or study for boards... but... LOL... what a lame excuse.  While I'm here, my life should reflect Christ and be a living, breathing witness to the gospel of Christ.  Sometimes I want God to take me now so that I can escape from my singleness as well.  I still struggle with it... but it is really hard for me to get TOO extremely down about it because... God provides for me in miraculous ways in all other areas of my life... why would He ignore this one?  He doesn't and He hasn't... He's got plans for me... whether it be to be single for the rest of my life and then He's got plans that must require that I have the time and freedom of a single person... or maybe there will be a family of my own in the future... but who knows... in the meantime... while I'm still here on this earth... I am to live ALL areas of my life in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ... which includes eating, drinking, exercising, sleeping, working, schooling... all my weapons-filled recreational activities... and even my singleness... to the fullest.

OK I got distracted again and forgot what I was going to say so I'm just going to end this now.

much much love... and happy holidays to all...
Tiff

Eye on the prize/Oceans

I apologize in advance.  I haven't blogged in a long time and there are too many thoughts over too long of a time period... nothing may make sense to you but hopefully it'll make sense to me if I ever have to go back and read about what I was struggling with at this very moment in time.

So... I'm supposed to graduate soon.  Everyone keeps asking me what kind of nurse practitioner I want to be... where I want to work... and I just hafta give them my honest answer which is... "I have no idea."

I'm not too worried though.  Someone asked me what my ultimate goal was... and... what came to mind had nothing to do with my career... I want to grow up to be a full-time friend... and then die and go to heaven.  If I could quit work and quit school and just be an encouragement to people all around me for the rest of my life... that would be lovely.  "Will work for meals" will hafta be my policy.  But then I went back to clinicals today and I realized that... I actually enjoy working.  What it does is... it forces me to interact with new and different people... to respond to situations that I wouldn't normally put myself in... and to push me outside my comfort zone... and in that way, it helps me grow to be a better person.  If I were a full-time friend with unlimited time... I'd probably just spend all day doing things I want to do... doing things I like to do... being with people I like... and then I might not be as challenged or pushed... to do the things I don't like, to be around and work with people I wouldn't choose to, and then I might not learn as much if I were never uncomfortable.  I'd become like... a soft smooshie cookie instead of a tough cookie.  And I might also be a poor, soft, smooshie cookie if I never went back to work... and then forcing my friends to buy me meals might be the equivalent of having them pay for my friendship and then I'd just feel wrong... so yeah.  Full-time friend and working for meals might not be the greatest idea I've ever had... but it did sound like a great one at the time I thought of it.  :P

I don't really know why I'm not too obsessed or worried about my career.  Maybe I'm too focused on the big picture and since my career is kind of a peripheral priority... the details of what kind of nursing I do or where I work... isn't all that important to me.  God will provide for me.  When I'm good and ready to start looking for a job... I'm sure that I'll get at least one of the jobs I interview for and I'll learn a lot... and then they'll pay me money so that I can go out and live my real life.  Work to live.  I also have a lot of stuff to do in the meantime before I graduate.  I still have a little bit of clinical hours to complete... I have to get my project data analyzed... I have to figure out what it means... I hafta edit my first few chapters of my big paper... and then write the last few chapters... and then make a presentation and then defend it.  And then I'll look for jobs and start studying for boards and then hopefully I'll pass boards and then start probably one of the hardest years of my working career... learning a complex, new role... one in which I feel completely unprepared and inadequate for... but will hafta just do it anyway cuz I went through all this schooling for it so I might as well use it.  I think that the best part about working is meeting new people.  I was walking around the hospital today and realizing that I learn so much from the world by interacting with people... hearing people's stories... reading about other people's stories... and then noting my reaction to it all.  It's all very fascinating to me.  Probably will be difficult but... I'll learn a lot and grow a lot.  And it's always a good day when there's crying involved... that's what I think anyway.

“I think it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves.” ― Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game

To know people... to understand people... is to love them.   So if I am unloving... it is because I don't understand the person... because I don't know them.  I had a very unloving moment yesterday.  I was watching someone make a complete fool of himself... and yet he was so happy to do it... so goofy, I suppose... that I wish that I could have just laughed at him or with him... I wish that I didn't roll my eyes and wish that he would just STOP and be normal.  I felt horrid for wishing it.  I felt horrid that I couldn't simply laugh with this guy.  God created him this way and he was being really bold and courageous... to simply be who he is... unashamed and unafraid to be different and say silly things... and why couldn't I just appreciate that?  I spent so long wondering why I was so mean-hearted towards this guy that I got really down on myself and felt shame and unworthiness.  I felt that my heart was ugly and I wondered how it got that way.  The NP I'm learning from asked me to go get a form for her.  I went to the unit secretary and asked for the form and she gave me so much attitude... as if I should already know where it is... why am I inconveniencing her by asking her something I should already know... and for serious... she looked at me like I was the stupidest person in the world.  I did notice that she was updating her resume on her computer screen.  She probably hates her job and hates her life.  She probably assumed that I was an employee and that I didn't know how to do my job... and not that I'm just a student trying to do what I was told.  She didn't know me, she didn't understand why I asked what I did... and she was definitely unloving towards me.  I almost wanted to confront her and tell her that I didn't appreciate her attitude or her tone of voice, but... I thought that I'd better not rock the boat and it would be much better to just let it go at this time.  And then the feeling passed and it didn't bother me anymore.  Good thing I didn't cause a ruckus over something so small.

Love is an action first and a feeling second.  If you love people, eventually you'll come to like them. -Tim Keller

And I really don't know if what specific kind of nurse practitioner I am.  If I look back at my life and how I've gotten where I have... it was more to do with following and being near people who captivate me than actually being interested in reason for our interaction.  I did plant genetics research... not because I was interested in it per se... but because out of all the labs that I interviewed for... I liked the PI's for this project the best.  I hung out with the pain management team a lot... not necessarily because I love pain management... but because I liked being around the team.  Whereas I enjoyed nephrology and cardiology... I could probably see myself doing either of those specialties... but I think I just enjoyed being at City of Hope more than the specialty I was learning while I was there.

School has been... a pretty rough road.  Someone recently caught up with me and asked me, "why did you do this to yourself?!?" and... I honestly had no response.  Why did I do this to myself?  I am already a registered nurse.  I could have had a perfectly good career working as a RN for the rest of my life.  I already have 3 degrees... why did I NEED to pursue a fourth?  It's a lot of time, money, and other resources to invest... why... why... why?

So I'm rounding with the bone marrow team right now.  There are a LOT of complications that could, and often do, happen when undergoing bone marrow transplantation.  There's a lot of chemo, there's nausea, there's vomiting, there's frequent hospitalizations... fevers... antibiotics... antivirals... antir-ejection meds... anti this and anti that.  My NP was saying how the first year after transplant is extremely difficult... and so many people have such a hard time with it.  Someone left a patient door open and we could hear someone retching and vomiting... and she looked at me and said, "well isn't that nice... everyone thinking of getting a transplant should come by and hear this to prepare themselves for what's coming ahead..." and then I said, "I think everyone should get a sign to put in their room that says, 'eye on the prize, (insert name here)'" because day after day after day in the same hospital room... dealing with one complication after another... you hafta keep your mind on the big picture otherwise you'll go crazy and then want to leave against medical advice... and then all of this would have been for nothing if you stop taking your meds, get some kind of upper respiratory infection, don't get it treated and then die from that because you're immunosuppressed.  She told me that a lot of people get transplants and they just don't have the coping skills or resources to be able to manage their care.  She said that she wished that they did more psychosocial screening and denied more transplants than to see people break down from the aftermath of the transplant.  They need to remember why they did the transplant in the first place... to keep their eye on the prize when everything in every fiber of their being is pleading to stop and end the suffering.  Sigh.

"why?" and "what's the point?"

Inside and outside the hospital... these are two questions/statements I've heard repeatedly for a variety of reasons and contexts.  I've been thinking about them a lot... and the words keep replaying in my mind... for a long time after I parted from the friends who uttered them.

In a cancer hospital... we hear lots of sad stories.  There are some patients that you see and you wonder.. why did someone so lovely, so kind... with so much to live for... why did all of this happen to them?  And we see some patients, who against all odds... and even though they have every reason to be depressed and give up on life... they wear a smile on their face... they are walking up and down the halls... "to save what little I can".  I heard a doc talking today and he was saying how... look at these patients... they're trying so hard and all the rest of us who aren't struggling with cancer are content to just sit on a couch and push buttons on a remote.  It reminded me of something else a friend said to me the other day... "you don't know how good you have it".

Where I am right now... I think I'm struggling.  It's not an agonizing kind of struggle... but it is a struggle.  I feel like I'm alone, on a boat... in the stillness and darkness of night... it's cold and I'm tired... and I wonder why I'm here and for what purpose... battling senioritis... feeling time pressure but at the same time... not feeling much of an urgency to acquiesce to it.  I think it's not so much a physical exhaustion as it is a mental and emotional one.  I have very little left in me... and the finish line is so close.

"the pain reminds this heart that this is not... this is not our home" - Laura Story

I often don't feel like myself anymore.  I see glimmers of the person I used to be here and there... but I'm pretty darn tired.  But since I hear so many people asking "why?" and "what's the point?"... in an effort to answer those questions... I made a list of possible responses.  All of them were... valid to some extent but I could refute each of them as eventually meaningless or fruitless... save for one... and that one reason is... love.  Maybe the cancer patients would choose to undergo a transplant for the sole reason to preserve their lives... to LIVE... but... maybe for me... to live a life without love... I'd rather not live at all.

Love is both a macro reason and a micro reason... it's why I exist at all... and why I do things on a daily basis.  It both fuels me and directs me.  It is all my reasons.  Or it should be anyway.

If all the effort I make in my entire life... were so that just one person would experience God's love... then it would all be worth it.  If God would give up everything to save just one... He would have done it.  And I should do the same.  Why I enjoy being with friends... it's to give and receive love.  It's delightful.  I wanted to become a nurse practitioner so that I'd have more skills and more tools with which to better help people... to better love on them... to have more avenues and opportunities to touch other people's lives.  Sure it's a good career with fairly good job stability and decent pay... but it's a whole lot more than that.  Also... I don't necessarily have to work as a NP if I don't want to.  I could just throw away my education and do something completely different if God called me to do so... and it still would have been worth it because I met so many lovely people during my program... I got a chance to experience things I never would have had the opportunity to do otherwise.  I don't regret going back to school... again and again.  I had the time.  I had the resources to do it.  So I did.  Not everyone can.

I think all of this... is simply preparing me for the next great phase of my life.  I might not know what the heck is going to happen next year... where I will find a job... whether or not I'll pass boards... but what I do know is that... everything will be OK.  I am exactly where I am meant to be right now and it's preparing me for the next thing ahead.

So I've also been listening to this song called Oceans by Hillsong recently.  Maybe the past month or so.  We just started a series at church entitled Oceans after the song.  It's pretty relevant and has been quite impactful.  The first part goes like this:

You call me out upon the waters 

The great unknown where feet may fail 

And there I find You in the mystery 

In oceans deep 

My faith will stand

It's based on Peter's experience... walking on water.  Being called out onto deep water... is like being drawn out and asked to take a risk... to step out onto the unknown... where feet my fail.  Even though a whole lot of people play a part in my life... when it comes to big picture... it's actually just me and Jesus.  Just the two of us.  Especially when He calls me out and when I come... I find Him in the mystery of it all.  Sometimes things just don't make sense... like why I went back to school when I didn't need to... or why God called me into widowhood and singleness... could He have drawn me out in other ways?  Maybe... but perhaps this was the best way for ME and only God knows the actual reasons why... even though I might have brief flashes of insight sporadically.

And I will call upon Your name 

And keep my eyes above the waves 

When oceans rise 

My soul will rest in Your embrace 

For I am Yours and You are mine

That last line... "for I am Yours and You are mine"... whenever I read that in the Bible and I hear how God keeps saying it to His people... claiming them... giving of Himself to them and asking for them to belong to Him... it ALWAYS moves me.  Why does it move me?  Because that is love.  To be claimed... to be chosen and singled out from all others... to know and be known... is to be loved.

One of the deepest desires of the human heart is for love without parting. -Tim Keller

Anderson loved me.  To even think on the kind of love he had for me... often makes me cry.  To have tasted it and then to not have it any longer on this earth... it is heartbreaking.  And yet... the whole situation only made me realize God's love for me and His grace in even allowing me to experience Anderson's love in the first place... to have prepared me as a nurse to be able to better handle being his caregiver... and then after being widowed to have it prepare me to be a better nurse and a better person... this is how I know that God is worth it.  Against all odds... against all logic... to have come out of a horrible situation with more peace, more love, more joy and more sense of purpose than before having experienced it... does give me confidence to say that He knows what He's doing, He knows what He's talking about and that knowing Him is what I was made to do... and who I am becoming is who He intended me to be.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters 

Your sovereign hand 

Will be my guide 

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me 

You've never failed and You won't start now

All across time, God has proven Himself faithful to His people.  His people have very RARELY proven themselves faithful to Him and yet He still remains the same across the ages.  From the moment we were first created, He has been loving us and providing for us... He has great plans and great purposes... with thoughts and ways much higher than ours.  In my own experience... He has done the same for me.  He has never failed me... and He won't start now.

I went to this lecture last month entitled, "can the human side of cancer be therapeutic?".  I took sparse notes but what I did pull out was that what we can do as healthcare professionals is to not only treat disease, but to point people back to meaning and purpose.  It's the little things we do to acknowledge people and their suffering... to help decrease their fear and change the way they think and process information.  That we need to hear what isn't being said... to open our eyes and open our ears and BE human.  We are all going to be on the "other side" one of these days and it would be awesome if we could treat people the way we would like to be treated when we are the patient and not the healthcare professional.  To me... all of that was reminding me to go beyond the job... and infuse love into my work.  I can do the work without love but I can also do the work with it... and to love others while I do my job is to increase the the effectiveness of my interventions because I'm addressing not just their physical needs but their mental, emotional, and even spiritual needs.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders 

Let me walk upon the waters 

Wherever You would call me 

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander 

And my faith will be made stronger 

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name 

Keep my eyes above the waves 

My soul will rest in Your embrace 

I am Yours and You are mine

To love and be loved.  Or probably more appropriately... to be loved first... and then to love... is the prize to keep my eye on.  So wherever He will call me... however deep He takes me... my faith and my trust will grow and increase way above I could ever ask or think... and none of this would happen if I only stayed where I was comfortable and only did what I wanted to do.  If you do what you always do, you'll get what you always get.  In order to grow in new and different ways, you hafta do things you've never done before.

Ok.  I think I'm done now.  Thanks for reading if you got this far!
love,
Tiff

good grief

September was a pretty amazing month.

I'd written down a lot of tidbits and ideas that I wanted to flesh out when I had the time but I don't know if I'll get around to doing that.

I woke up on my own at 4am today and couldn't fall back asleep.  I was hungry.  So I ate.  I did my Bible reading for today.  Sent a couple of emails that had been on my mind to send.  Still... I am awake.

Job 42:12aAnd the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning. 

I was standing in a hallway at City of Hope... waiting for the MD I'm learning from to show up... and I was looking at all the literature on the wall.  The walls of the Supportive Care department are literally plastered with newsletters and pamphlets and booklets... information for caregivers, for patients... about all kinds of things.  Dozens of pamphlets full of information just waiting to be unleashed if anything caught your eye... and one newsletter did catch my eye... it was a special edition newsletter done specifically on grief.

Sometimes I think that I've grieved... past tense... and that I'm done grieving... but when I read over the pamphlet... I realized that I may never be fully "done" grieving... it's all a part of regular, everyday life.  The author of one article on grief said that we grieve because we've loved and lost something.  I love and lose things all the time and the fact that I grieve means that I cared... and it is one of the things that reminds us that I am human and it's normal.  It seems kind of elementary but I think I needed to be reminded of the fact that my grief is a normal part of being human.

This past month, I've been hit with the repeated realization that I am so utterly blessed.  I've made a few new friends recently who have reminded me that God knows exactly what I need, when I need it... and that He can and will provide... even if it is to create something out of nothing... to remind me of His great love for me.

Back in June, I had a FLOW consultation done... I think I copy and pasted this from the website... "FLOW is a ministry that helps you recognize your untapped passion and abilities, helps identify where you came from, where you are now, and where you are going, and to develop a strategic plan that will help you make a difference".  I can't remember if I shared about how impactful that experience was for me.  To have two strangers listen to me speak about my life for an hour or so and then to share their insight with me and have it resonate so deeply within... made the Holy Spirit's presence in that place so tangible... that I was overflowing with love, joy, and peace.  They gave me a list of things that I should work on... my giftings... areas of growth... specific ministries that I might like to become involved in... and I told God that I'd get on it... after I graduate.  And then God arranged it so that I could graduate early... making me think that... God needs me to graduate early for some great reason... I don't know what yet... but... there is a purpose in it.

One thing that really resonated was that the FLOW consultants said that I have a gift of a prophetic voice... to call out to others... reclaim what was lost... and lifting them out of death and into life.  They said that they could see me calling out to people in their tombs... like Jesus called out to Lazarus and said to "come out".  I didn't tell very many people about this but I kept it hidden in my heart and I pondered it.  What great things does God have in store for me after I graduate?  I don't know.  So I sat on it.

Almost exactly two months ago, a girl walked up to me at young adult Bible study and asked me if I knew where Liz was.  I didn't think Liz was going to be at the Bible study... so I told her that... and decided that if she couldn't find Liz... that I would introduce her to some other people... and also take care of her... at least just for the Bible study time.  We had some small talk and I found out that she was going to be starting nursing school soon.  I told her I'd be available for her if she needed any help or advice.  I facebooked her and her sister... and then sat down for Bible Study.  I can't remember how it happened... but I ended up sharing a little bit about my life... about Anderson... and then found myself sitting at lunch with her... crying in the restaurant as she shared her life story with me.  I wasn't in the best of moods or the best of attitudes prior to that lunch.  I remember being in a place of darkness... and I remember feeling drawn into the light as the brightness of God's glory in her life shone on me... like a sunflower which turns its face towards the sun.  Her life story melted my heart... and what she said afterwards totally broke me of whatever residual hardness was left after the initial melting.  She said that she prayed for someone exactly like me in her life.  She is an older sister and feels a great deal of responsibility to care for her younger sister... and since her previous spiritual mentor moved away for grad school... she felt the need for another to take that place in her life.  She prayed for someone who had walked the path before her... in nursing... in life... to help guide her... and she decided that... that person was me.  I was the answer to her prayer.

About a month later... we were having lunch again... chatting more... and I don't know how it happened again either... but she told me that before she met me... she felt spiritually dead... spiritually dry and thirsty and that I was like a well who was pouring water onto her... bringing her back to life.  it hit me at that moment that God was affirming that gifting within me and that He didn't want me to wait until next year to use my gifting... He wanted me to use them NOW.  I shared that tidbit about my FLOW consultation with her... about how two other people had recognized that God has put me into situations where I call out to people... bringing them out of spiritual death and darkness... and she said that she got goosebumps... because that was exactly what she had just said that I'd done in her life.  And it was also exactly what she had done for me in my life.  I met another person recently who listened to me talk for a little while and once again affirmed this gifting... and another person who's known me all my life... who again affirmed me in this.  What a blessing to have been gifted... and to have others see and affirm it.  Unbelievable.

I recently went on vacation with my cousins.  While on vacation... I was away from my friends... and I seriously and legitimately missed them.  I thought about faces... about people's presence... and about how much I longed to be with them and near them.  These people... some of whom I've barely met... and some that I've known for years... but have now grown so attached to them that my heart yearns to be near them when we're apart... made me realize how many precious gifts of friendship and relationships I've been given over the years.  And then to be near my cousins... some of whom I've known all my life... and some who have married into our family fairly recently... to delight in their presence... to laugh with my whole heart... to make memories and to share what's on our hearts... what's on our minds... to have unconditional support and love shared between us... it floored me.  How am I surrounded by such amazing people?  It was as if I was standing in the middle of a garden... turning around and finding beautiful flowers surrounding me in every direction... and wondering when all these plants and flowers bloomed... and it was obvious to me that all of this happened... after Anderson passed away... after I had been broken... through widowhood.

I recently made another friend... who after hearing my story... said that this concept came to mind... of kintsukuroi... the Japanese art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.  I shared this concept with another friend who told me that he had JUST read about this concept...

     It's called kintsugi, the Japanese art of mending broken pottery by filling the cracks with gold. It's not about fixing things like they were never broken, it's about accepting change as part of what is going to happen either way. Uncoupling our idea of broken from our idea of dirty...  The idea that if you aren't hurt you don't matter, because we are the sum of our wounds. That the opposite of fixed is broken, is dirty.

     But kintsugi says that fixed is the opposite of unbroken. We all get broken and we all hopefully get fixed, and only a seriously warped perspective would say that broken is the endpoint instead of the halfway point. Innocence, experience, and then grace when you're old, and broken, and experienced enough to see it. They fill the cracks with gold, because what is beautiful is not factory newness but the passage of time: The way it bends us, and breaks us, and drops us into holes, and picks us up again. Uniquely us, the story that belongs only to us: The things written on us, not the untouched state we don't remember and didn't ever need. It's a new art, when you're done: It's the old parts and the new parts and all the work you did. And it is whole. And it is clean.

Another thing... somewhat related but unrelated... is that... since retreat... I had been crying a lot more.  It's OK tho.  I don't mind crying.  It just happens.  When my heart moves... I cry.  So I'm doing clinical hours at City of Hope... a cancer hospital... and sometimes I'm actually doing things... but a lot of the time, I'm observing.  I observe the MD... I observe the patient... I observe the family... and lately... I've had the opportunity to observe people as they're receiving bad news.  I watch them... and as the MD is talking... I can see their facial expression change as a cloud of sadness shadows them... and I know they are no longer listening to the words coming out of the MD's mouth... but they are struck with the realization of... "what am I going to do without him/her?" and it's as if time stopped... just for a moment... as they were hit with a wave of grief...  and then, in an instant... I watch them snap back to the present... and answer a question or ask one.  I'm not sure if everyone would be able to see it or if God has opened the eyes of my heart to be able to witness so obviously... the subtleties of grief... but I definitely think that there's a reason that I am able to see it... and because I see it... I was meant to do something about it.  I'm not sure what... but definitely... something.

It's the first of the month today.  I fully intended to use the beginning of every month to review and edit my own personal purpose statement.  I first drafted this purpose statement years ago... maybe in 2009... and I've been making addendums here and there as the years have gone by.  I added an addendum today... that my life would be defined by Christ... and that it would show.  I think... it's just another way to say the same thing... ok I guess I'll just share my purpose statement(s) and you can decide for yourself.

Gal 5:22 - for the fruit of the spirit to be outwardly evident in my life.
Purpose Statement: To be filled by the Spirit, to be led by the Spirit and to lead others by the Spirit.
Addendum: to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. And others as myself.
Addendum: to be wise. James 3:17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
Addendum: to be a woman after God's heart, whose character reflects God's in steadfast love, lovingkindness, wisdom, strength, consistency, trustworthiness
Addendum: to live a life worthy of the calling I have received. Worthy of a daughter of Christ.
Addendum: to strive to be a woman of excellence, worthy of a man of excellence... of an exemplary husband.
Addendum: to be defined by Christ and to have my life show it.

If all of this happened as a result of the grief I've experienced in my life... if the answer to the question, "what am I going to do without him?" was answered through the amazing experiences I've had... the amazing friends I've collected... and if the broken pieces of my life have been brought together once again... held together and reformed by His precious gold or silver... and if I am a more beautiful person now after having been broken... then... grief is good.  It is very, very good.

Ok I'm tired now.  I'm going to try to get some rest before clinicals today.
much much love,
Tiff

U2

Unashamed and Unafraid.

I have so many thoughts swirling in my head after retreat.  I'm really not sure where to begin pulling them down and putting them into words... I just know that I need to do it.

I thought about going up to share during open mic testimony time... but I really did not feel God moving me to go up.  I felt like it was time for me to listen.  But if I did go up and I had to share just briefly... I would have said that... I am like a plant.  I grew up most of my life in soil that was comfortable but stunted my growth as a plant... and very rarely gave me the nutrients to produce flowers.  I thank God for NOC soil because it has the right soil components that help me to grow in new and different ways... and my flowers are brighter and pinker than they have ever been before.  I haven't really flowered in a couple of months... it's been a hostile environment lately and I've been lacking in nutrients... but I think that the season of hostility is coming to an end and I expect some big, hot pink flowers soon.  I know it's really vague and most people probably wouldn't be able to relate so I'm pretty glad that I felt the urge to sit in my chair and just listen to other people's amazing stories.  There's no way I could say what I really wanted to say in a couple of minutes.

The theme of this year's NOC retreat was 20 twenty... technically about vision... God's vision... our vision... but I think that I gained most was a little more clarity about where I am right now more than where I'm going in the future.

I cried at every session and also a few times in between.  Sometimes it was a little cry... more often it was the kind of cry that felt like a leaky faucet from my eyes and tears were just pouring out no matter how much I tried to will them to stop... and a couple times there was the collapse-on-my-knees-convulsive crying... which happens rarely but it's always a good thing when I'm face down, no holding back... just being real and honest... broken and humbled at the feet of my God.

I've had a rough couple of months.  I haven't been able to think very clearly.  I haven't been able to articulate clearly either.  All I knew is that I didn't feel good.  I don't think I felt "bad" per se... but "not good" was probably the most accurate description I could give you if you asked me how I was doing.  I'm exhausted.  I'm tired.  Lacking energy.  Lacking output.  Lacking joy.  But I didn't FEEL horrible.  It was confusing.  It's still a little bit confusing to me but I learned a few things from retreat which have been running their course through my mind.

Firstly... conversation = relationship.  The conversation... however repetitive... IS the relationship.  No conversation... no relationship.

I've been retreating lately.  It's both a good and a bad thing.  I think I did need to learn not to rely on people so much.  They are gifts in my life... but they should always point me back to the Giver.  Two months ago, I started to feel really abandoned.  I want to emphasize the word "feel" because I wasn't actually abandoned by that many people.  If I think back to my life a few months ago and now... not very much has changed... but I FELT abandoned, isolated and a deep loneliness that... depressed me.  Sometimes I feel sad... but I usually bounce back pretty quickly.  There was no bounciness.  It's been two long months of flatness.

I was miserable.  So I "medicated" myself... by playing Candy Crush and watching movies... I think I probably watched Men in Black 3... four times this past week alone.  I was escaping and avoiding.  One of my friends noticed I was "crushing a lot of candy" lately and asked me what was up.  I told her I was escaping and avoiding and she reminded me that... "that's so not like you".  Some people escape and avoid... but I usually don't.  This is an unhealthy coping mechanism in response to my lack of bounciness.

In my flatness, I told myself that I would just isolate myself more and spend more time talking with God... but what I actually did was spend more time asking God for reasons... on my own time... on my own terms... and I realized that what I was doing was NOT having a conversation with God.  And I was sorry... so very, very sorry.  The more I retreated from people... the more I felt like I was in bondage.  That first night, I was face down, on my knees...having a hard cry and apologizing to God for being a brat... for not appreciating Him for who He is... for being demanding and for only taking on my own time and terms... and for not loving Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.  He deserves so much better than what I was giving Him.  I wanted to relearn how to love Him more.  I was broken already on the first night.

So I thought to myself, "OK that's it... I've learned what I needed to learn at retreat on the first night... now I can cruise and figure out how to realign my life again for the rest of retreat..." but I wasn't done learning.  During the workshop yesterday, we learned about temperaments... DISC... which stands for the four temperaments... Dominant, Influential, Steady, and Compliant.  I pretty much decided fairly easily that I was primarily an "I" but I also saw a bunch of other characteristics in me from the other temperaments.  One of the things that the speaker shared specifically about I's is that you do NOT embarrass them in public.  When you embarrass an "I" in public... you basically kill their spirit and even though they might be smiling on the outside... they are shrinking... smaller and smaller on the inside.  I think that's what was happening to me... something was causing me to shrink and die on the inside.  On the exterior, I was still moderately functional... I could still smile... but I could not laugh with my whole heart... I didn't feel like I could be myself... something had died on the inside... my spirit was crushed and broken... small and wounded.  I was a mere shadow of who I was... who I was meant to be... and I still had to push myself to go to work... go to clinicals... see patients... and where I used to get such joy out of all of that... all it does now is drain me.  He also said that the worst thing you can do to an "I" is to isolate them.  They need people.  Retreating and isolating myself... and being miserable through it... I thought I was doing the right thing.... but all it did was make me think I was depressed and the longer I felt depressed... the more I felt like I was going to die inside... but now I have a little more insight into my situation and now I can choose to overcome it.  

I took a quickie DISC assessment and I came out 37% I, 30% D, 27% S and 5% C.  I'm not really sure if I agree completely with the S and the C.  I thought I would have been a little more of a C and a little less of an S but whatever.  It may or may not be accurate... but it did help me think more about what motivates people and how I can treat them better... as well as understand myself better.  I shouldn't be so hard on myself when certain things bother me more than I think they should... part of it has to do with my temperament and the way I'm wired... and the weaknesses that come from my temperament can be overcome.  That gave me a lot of encouragement and hope.  He also emphasized over and over again that we are uniquely created by God and that we all have inherent value and worth.  It was something I needed to be reminded of.  

In the second message, the speaker talked about how God can use who I am... my identity... and all my experiences, including my hurts and pain, and transform it into something that shows His glory to the world.  I felt so encouraged and affirmed... but I didn't have time to truly think about how to let go and throw down my identity and let it be transformed... before we got to the third message where what really stood out to me was "freedom".  

I sat there... taking in the message... and feeling like I had let so many things around me... chain me up and limit my freedom... to grey out the colorful spectrum of my life.  Good people... well-intentioned friends... gave me Bible verses and encouragements... to help me BE a better person... but I had taken their insight too literally and I had allowed it to become more important than being true to the creation that God made me to be.  They did their best to point out my weaknesses and let me know how I can improve... but I had allowed Satan to turn them into lies which attacked my self-worth... which made me think that I was not a good person and I'd be better if I were more like... someone else.  

I chose to speak against my fear of man... to actively choose not to care so much about how other people perceive me or to fear hurting people so much that I say nothing at all... to reaffirm that I am beautiful just the way God made me... and that all I needed to do was draw near to Him... to immerse myself in Him... and He will show me what I need to do... whose words I need to really listen to and whose words I can note but set aside for another time... 

I just reread what I wrote and it means a lot to me because I know what I'm talking about but it might be too vague for anyone else.  The lie that Satan used to tear me down was that it would be better if I would talk/share less.  Yes... even a foolish man appears wise if he keeps his mouth shut.  It is better to listen than speak.  Let my words be few.  I bottled up a lot of my hurt and disappointments.  I kept my mouth shut.  I was dying inside.  I resisted so many urges to share... I let so many promptings pass... that I felt like I was ignoring the Holy Spirit and my ears became deadened to His voice.  So when I decided to choose against the approval of man... to speak against my fear of saying the wrong thing and just bask in the presence of His grace... two words came to me: unashamed and unafraid.  

When those two words came to me... I burst into tears.  They came pouring out of my eyes... and I went to the back of the room once again... to be on my knees at the foot of the wooden cross they had set up.  I remember back in the day... when we used to set up those pillows and the cross in the room... I would NEVER go back there... I would never ask for prayer... I just wouldn't participate.  Now that I'm at NOC... I go up for prayer... I ask for prayer... and I find that I relate to God differently now than even 1 year ago.  It's a very good thing.  Be unashamed... Be unafraid... and approach God with confidence.  Listen and obey... 

While I was back there... kneeling before the cross... there were also slips of paper... for us to write things on... and leave at the cross.  I wrote the two words that came to me and I sat back down on the pillow... and I prayed.  I sat before God... I listened... and God told me... to turn around and pray for the person behind me on my left.  I had no idea who was behind me.  What would they think?  What would they say?  What would I even say?  How would I pray?  I didn't know.  All I knew was that God gave me a short message for this person... whoever it may be... and it was... "you are beautiful.  you are worthy.  you are loved.  live in freedom".  Instead of turning around, laying my hands on the person and praying those words... I wrote them on a piece of paper instead.  I felt like a chicken... but it was something... a start.    

And then when I went back to my seat... worship through song was still going on... and I felt God telling me to worship Him with everything I have... don't hold back... don't be still... just jump or raise my arms and do whatever feels right... and after raising my arms for like less than 10 seconds... I felt my heart breaking in obedience... and all I could do was collapse on the floor and bawl.  It was a convulsing type of crying... in the aisle... but I was being unashamed and unafraid... being washed over with so much love that I didn't deserve... having all my flatness and fear be replaced with love and grace... and feeling so, so unworthy.  

After worship time... I felt myself get bouncy again... and I felt like jumping or dancing or something... and I also felt like laughing.  I felt so much lighter... I felt more free.  We went to another room where there were snacks and open space... and I jumped.  I hula hooped.  I laughed harder than I'd laughed in a really long time.  I started to feel like myself again.  And I realized that it had less to do with the people around me... it had everything to do with me and God.  

I knew in my head that God wanted me for Himself... but it wasn't until I gave Him time to work on my heart... when I sat down and listened... and did what He prompted me to do... that I felt... free.  Freedom comes from obedience to Him because all He ever wants for us is freedom.  He created us for Him and to bring Him glory and we are the most fulfilled when we let go of everything and allow Him to invade and transform us.  

A couple months ago... I felt like God revealed to me a little bit more of what types of giftings He's given me... and what kinds of ministries I should be involved in... and I made a deal with Him... telling him that I'd finish school first and then focus my heart on these ministries.  Right after I made that deal with God... He allowed me the opportunity to finish my project early and thus graduate earlier than I had planned... I should be on schedule to graduate in December of this year.  So I'm pretty sure it's no coincidence that all that happened... so I think God has something in store for me for next year that requires me to graduate early... save that $12,000 of tuition money... and to make good on my "deal".  And I think that Satan knew that God has plans for me and wanted to try to derail me... to depress me... and to cause division within me and against other people...  but I'm thankful for retreat... that God could use it to correct me and realign me... and remind me of my first love.  

I feel like this was the most boring post ever but it's more for me and God than anything else... He knows most intimately how loved I felt by Him this weekend.  I think it's pretty funny actually... that I was at that retreat site before... during my second year of college... and I remember it being a completely different experience.  I remember feeling so alone, so isolated... so ignored and unwanted... I remember being so afraid in those cabins... and hiding or pretending I was sick to avoid interacting with people.  What a different experience it was this time around.  I'm glad I'm experiencing God in new and different ways this year.  :)

love,

Tiff

Pit Stop/Water Break

I'm dying, guys.  OK "dying"... but if I were actually on the brink of death, I think I'd probably blog it the same way.  School is bleeding me slowly... and I think I'm starting to hit that low level where I'm gonna need a transfusion soon... or maybe I'm going to go into hibernate mode.  As of right now, I think I'm on survival mode.  Only the bare minimum of vital functions remain.  

I think a couple blog entries ago ago, I wrote that God gave me some emotional/spiritual carb-loading prior to a marathon month... I think that the marathon is continuing and probably won't stop until I graduate... so I've got another four months to go.  I am tired.  I'm beyond tired.  I'm so tired I hardly recognize myself anymore.  

I used to wake up in the mornings and decide what kind of a flower I felt like that day.  Oh to be back in those bubbly, bouncy days.  Now... I wake up with songs stuck in my head... because the groanings of my body and my heart need to be expressed in words that are not my own... I hardly have words to say nowadays.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm still probably going to write a whopper of a blog entry.  I've got two weeks full of stuff that's been swirling around in my head with no energy to write it down.

I haven't been able to understand why I've been so tired lately.  I've wracked my brain for the past month or so... wondering why my "output" has been so low.  Intellectually, I should be performing at a much higher level... getting things done... churning out assignments... studying harder, longer, faster... but I haven't been.  I know I can do better than this... but I really... physically... cannot.  So I decided that I needed more time to rest.  So I rested... but didn't feel rested.  I did everything I knew to do... and still... I feel gross.  And then I read this the other day...

August 7
Understanding will never bring you Peace. That’s why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not in your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out, in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But the world presents you with an endless series of problems. As soon as you master one set, another pops up to challenge you. The relief you had anticipated is short-lived. Soon your mind is gearing up again: searching for understanding (mastery), instead of seeking Me (your Master).

The wisest of all men, Solomon, could never think his way through to Peace. His vast understanding resulted in feelings of futility, rather than in fulfillment. Finally, he lost his way and succumbed to the will of his wives by worshiping idols.

My Peace is not an elusive goal, hidden at the center of some complicated maze. Actually, you are always enveloped in Peace, which is inherent in My Presence. As you look to Me, you gain awareness of this precious Peace.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
—Proverbs 3:5–6

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
—Romans 5:1

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.
—2 Thessalonians 3:16

I love it when the God reveals His Word to me in a new and different way.  I KNOW not to lean on my own understanding... but that didn't stop me from trying to figure out why I was feeling the way I was.  And then Jesus told me not to try to understand... just trust in Him.  For the time being... I'm just accepting things as they are... and I let go of another burden that I have no energy to bear at the moment.  That's good.  One less thing.

Last month... a friend, very lightheartedly, challenged me to create a worship set.  I laughed away the challenge at first... and then I thought about it a couple days later... and wondered... why not just try?  Since I'm on a mission to do things I've never done before... why not this?  So I thought about it.  I thought some more.  And I thought of 3 songs which represent the cycles God has brought me through repeatedly in my life... and those 3 songs became my very first worship set.  

Song 1:  Fall Afresh

Song 2:  Blessed Be Your Name

Song 3:  Be Thou My Vision

Some people have scent/taste memories... like that food critic in Ratatouille... when he ate... it took him back to his childhood.  I have song memories.  When I hear certain songs... it takes me back to specific moments in my life... significant moments... and it's the moments that I want to share with you through these songs.  

Fall Afresh

There are times in my life when I'm spiritually low.  When my heart and soul feel dry and empty... like a dark, concrete tunnel.  The floor is hard... the walls are hard... it's cold.  It's inhabitable.  I don't like being in that place.  It's sad and it's lonely.  It's probably where I am right now.  It's definitely time to sing/pray this song.  

I first heard this song at Newsong NOC.  They turn the lights off when we're singing in service... it's good meditating time.  I remember being so powerfully moved by the lyrics of this song that I got images in my head... Star Trek images...    

Awaken my soul, come awakeTo hunger, to seek, to thirst
Awaken first love, come awake
And do as You did at first 

Spirit of the Living God come fall afresh on me
Come wake me from my sleep
Blow through the caverns of my soul
Pour in me to overflow,
to overflow 

Spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade
Spirit come and fill this place
Let Your glory now invade

So... this is pretty geeky of me... but I dunno if any of you have ever seen Star Trek - the Wrath of Khan... and the explanation video of Project Genesis.  Basically, there was a device that was able to terraform an inhabitable wasteland (like a moon) into a lush, green planet capable of sustaining life.  It didn't quite work in the movie... but what I imagined as I was singing this song... was that I invited the Holy Spirit to come... to blow through the cavernous wastelands of my soul... that the Holy Spirit would breathe on me and the life-giving breath would terraform the caverns of my soul so that I would overflow with life... with fresh, clean water... with flowers... with light... instantaneously.  That's what I think, what I see... how I feel when I sing this song.  It echoes the cry of my heart... to hunger... to seek... to thirst... to feel passion and love and joy... that only the Holy Spirit can grant.  

Blessed Be Your Name

We sang this song at my wedding.  It was also one of the songs that was playing while we were waiting for Anderson to pass away after we took him off life support.  And also at Anderson's memorial service.  Out of those 3 memories... the strongest memory I get when I sing/hear this song... is of me sitting at the edge of his hospital bed... watching the time between his respirations grow further and further apart... until finally... there were no more breaths.  

Job was the last book of the Bible that we read together.  Whenever we'd go through a particularly rough time... we'd have sayings that we'd tell each other... things to encourage one another through the difficult moment... and one of them was, "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away... blessed be the name of the Lord".  

So every time I sing, "He gives and takes away... my heart will choose to say... blessed be Your name..." I remember those times... when the Lord gave me my husband... my wedding... and then took away my marriage... my future with Anderson... and yet through it all... my heart chose and will continue to choose to say: blessed be Your name.  

Side note:  I was also listening to the radio a few days ago while I was driving... and the speaker was talking about 1 Corinthians 10:13... and I think I only started paying attention during this part, "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."  He was talking about how sometimes random friends will get in touch with him and tell him that they're praying for him.  Those are God's "ways of escape" which helps us endure through the temptation.  I think that God also provides me with encouragements along the way... like little pit stops or water breaks as I'm running my marathon... just a little bit... but also just enough manna to get me through each day... just enough to carry on.  It comes in different forms every day, but every day there is some little blessing... sometimes large blessing... which reminds me that He loves me and He sees me... He hears my heart's cry and even though I cannot be delivered yet... He is doing everything He can to get me through.  He's sending many messengers to shine His glory into my life... to remind me what I live for... to remind me to love and that I am loved.  So whether He gives or He takes... it is all out of His great love for me and for my own good.  

Be Thou My Vision

When I was in the deepest depths of despair after being widowed... there were nights when I would either be overcome with grief to the point where I would cry out and convulse with my sobbing... or I would just lay there in bed... staring at the ceiling... inhaling... exhaling... and even though I made no audible sound... every exhale was a silent cry of anguish as my chest would collapse under the oppressive weight of grief and sorrow.  One of the only things that would help would be to sing certain songs... so I started collecting songs in a playlist entitled, "songs to heal my heart".  

Whenever I would sing these words, "Thou and Thou only, first in my heart, High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art"... I'd be washed with peace and very likely, I'd be able to sleep.  This song reminds me of the greatest commandment of all... the #1 priority of my life.  If I put the first things first... all the second, third, fourth things will fall into place.  It's a re-centering song... that reminds me where to fix my eyes amidst all the chaos, uncertainty, and darkness of this world.  

I don't know much as far as technical structure of a worship set... but there it is.  My first one... patterned after the cycle of emptiness, the challenge which spurs me to grow, and clarity that comes afterwards.  It's a small thing but it's something that I wanted to document.  

BodyCombat

Since a couple of friends encouraged me to go to BodyCombat (an exercise class at the gym)... it's pretty much become the only class I truly enjoy going to... to the point where my friend and I have conversations on a weekly basis... on whether or not we can make it to this class at this gym on this day.  I found this picture on the BodyCombat facebook page.  It was fitting.  I saved it.  There are two things I wanted to write about in response to this picture.  The first is an interaction with a friend I met just recently.

#1.  From the very first moments I met this friend... it was quite obvious to me that she liked me a lot.  I don't think I treated her any differently than I would have treated any other new person that I met but for some reason... the way I am and the way she is... and also the way we are together... is a very encouraging combination.  Last week, I had lunch with her.  Prior to that lunch... I was having kind of a horrible emotional day.  I was dragging... I was sluggish... I kinda felt crabby and like I would *pinch* *pinch* anyone who crossed me the wrong way.  It's times like that when I know I should keep my mouth shut and remain as silent as possible... lest daggers come flying out of my mouth and create a bloody mess wherever I go.  I've been more silent lately for this reason.  And it's been a miserable experience.  

But in this case... I was blessed to be silent and to listen.  I spent most of the lunch time listening to my friend share her story.  The longer I listened, the more my crabbiness melted away to deep, deep compassion for my sister in Christ.  She smiled as she told her story, but I know that underneath that smile... there were years of tears and heartache... grief and loss... frustration and anger... the things she didn't say but I know she struggled through... and my heart broke for her.  And as if melting my crabbiness away weren't enough of a gift... she proceeded to tell me that meeting me was an answer to prayer.  She told me how much her heart longed to meet someone like me... someone who has walked the path before her... and who was willing to lead her and show her the way... and I broke down into tears at that point.  In my survival mode... and in my self-preservation... I had somewhat forgotten why I do what I do... why I started in the first place.  I wanted to make a difference in people's lives... to help them with my knowledge and experiences... to make life better and easier for them in as many ways as I have within my power (or scope of practice).  

I wanna speak Your loveNot just another noiseOh, I wanna be Your lightI wanna be Your voice

Let my words be lifeLet my words be truthI don't wanna say a wordUnless it points the world back to You - Hawk Nelson, Words

Anyway.  That was the little love note that God sent me to remind me why I started this marathon to begin with.  

#2.  Exercise class.  For some reason, unbeknownst to me... maybe I crave the endorphins... maybe because the music reminds me of dancing and happier times... maybe because even in survival mode, I chose to work out and take care of my body... I've been going to a lot of exercise classes at the gym.  I usually stand somewhere on the side, near the back.  It was kind of practical at first... to be near my water and my towel... but nowadays... I'm finding that I need less water throughout the class and I'm not as drippy-sweaty as I was in the beginning.  I'm still soaked from head to toe... but just not as much as before.  Doing the exercises from the back of the class... there's less pressure... even if I mess up... no one really sees me cuz there's hardly anyone behind me and too many people in front of me for the instructor to actually see me.  One thing I did notice though... that when the instructor would call out reminders about our footwork or our "mistakes"... I would be able to see immediately who she was talking to because from the back... I could see everything.  The worst is when she calls out a correction repeatedly and the person who's doing it "wrong" still doesn't realize she's talking to them.  Then she has to move directly in front of the "offender" and speak to the person directly.  I kinda think that's embarrassing... but maybe that's the only way they'd realize that she was trying to correct them.  

The other day... all the spots in the back were taken... so I had to stand in the middle of the room.  People started coming in and crowding me so I moved up even further... until I was pretty much directly in front of the instructor but still probably in the second row.  Since I was in front of her... whenever she'd call out a correction... I'd automatically think it was me... so I'd fix whatever it is she said to fix and she'd say, "good".  I don't always know if she's talking to me... but it is good habit to just assume she's talking to me and make the correction anyway... or if I think I'm doing it right... to exaggerate the movement even more so she is able to see it.  I'm pretty sure I was making the same mistakes I would have if I'd been in the back of the room... but since I was in the front... I got a lot more extra attention... and extra correction.  The correction isn't intended to embarrass me though... it's intended to correct my form... so I can get the most out of the class.  

It made me think about life... and how much better I can be corrected and sanctified if I allow myself to be seen... to be transparent and let other people look into my life.  It might mean moving from the back of the room to the front... maybe even directly in front of the instructor.  

Today in service... the speaker was talking about how when we're kids... we're free to do and say whatever we want.  Kids are fully exposed and feel no shame... until... someone hurts them... and then learn to hide.  Maybe lots of people hurt them... and by the time they grow a little older... only 10% of their true selves are visible to those around them... like an iceberg.  It's a protective coping mechanism... to hide and withdraw... but... it's not the greatest habit ever.  If I want to grow... if I want to be better... if I want to fix my form and if I want my mistakes and faults to be excised and thrown away... I need to be seen.  I need for the hidden things to be brought to the surface so that God... and even other people can see and help me become better... to be better.  It's a good thing to be open, vulnerable, and honest... in front of the right people.  

A couple of people have hurt me lately.  I know they didn't mean to do it but it happened anyway. Maybe I'm super sensitive right now but it feels like there are quite a lot of people who hurt me currently and continually.  Between the hurt, the stress, the exhaustion... I feel like I've only been showing people 10% of who I really am... and I don't like it.  A lot of the time, I feel hurt or irritable and I don't like that either.  I want to get back to a place where I feel free... where I can laugh freely... jump around freely... speak freely... and just shine God's bright light on everyone around me.  I'll work on it.  

Right now though... I think it's time to go to sleep.

much much love,

Tiff