good grief

September was a pretty amazing month.

I'd written down a lot of tidbits and ideas that I wanted to flesh out when I had the time but I don't know if I'll get around to doing that.

I woke up on my own at 4am today and couldn't fall back asleep.  I was hungry.  So I ate.  I did my Bible reading for today.  Sent a couple of emails that had been on my mind to send.  Still... I am awake.

Job 42:12aAnd the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning. 

I was standing in a hallway at City of Hope... waiting for the MD I'm learning from to show up... and I was looking at all the literature on the wall.  The walls of the Supportive Care department are literally plastered with newsletters and pamphlets and booklets... information for caregivers, for patients... about all kinds of things.  Dozens of pamphlets full of information just waiting to be unleashed if anything caught your eye... and one newsletter did catch my eye... it was a special edition newsletter done specifically on grief.

Sometimes I think that I've grieved... past tense... and that I'm done grieving... but when I read over the pamphlet... I realized that I may never be fully "done" grieving... it's all a part of regular, everyday life.  The author of one article on grief said that we grieve because we've loved and lost something.  I love and lose things all the time and the fact that I grieve means that I cared... and it is one of the things that reminds us that I am human and it's normal.  It seems kind of elementary but I think I needed to be reminded of the fact that my grief is a normal part of being human.

This past month, I've been hit with the repeated realization that I am so utterly blessed.  I've made a few new friends recently who have reminded me that God knows exactly what I need, when I need it... and that He can and will provide... even if it is to create something out of nothing... to remind me of His great love for me.

Back in June, I had a FLOW consultation done... I think I copy and pasted this from the website... "FLOW is a ministry that helps you recognize your untapped passion and abilities, helps identify where you came from, where you are now, and where you are going, and to develop a strategic plan that will help you make a difference".  I can't remember if I shared about how impactful that experience was for me.  To have two strangers listen to me speak about my life for an hour or so and then to share their insight with me and have it resonate so deeply within... made the Holy Spirit's presence in that place so tangible... that I was overflowing with love, joy, and peace.  They gave me a list of things that I should work on... my giftings... areas of growth... specific ministries that I might like to become involved in... and I told God that I'd get on it... after I graduate.  And then God arranged it so that I could graduate early... making me think that... God needs me to graduate early for some great reason... I don't know what yet... but... there is a purpose in it.

One thing that really resonated was that the FLOW consultants said that I have a gift of a prophetic voice... to call out to others... reclaim what was lost... and lifting them out of death and into life.  They said that they could see me calling out to people in their tombs... like Jesus called out to Lazarus and said to "come out".  I didn't tell very many people about this but I kept it hidden in my heart and I pondered it.  What great things does God have in store for me after I graduate?  I don't know.  So I sat on it.

Almost exactly two months ago, a girl walked up to me at young adult Bible study and asked me if I knew where Liz was.  I didn't think Liz was going to be at the Bible study... so I told her that... and decided that if she couldn't find Liz... that I would introduce her to some other people... and also take care of her... at least just for the Bible study time.  We had some small talk and I found out that she was going to be starting nursing school soon.  I told her I'd be available for her if she needed any help or advice.  I facebooked her and her sister... and then sat down for Bible Study.  I can't remember how it happened... but I ended up sharing a little bit about my life... about Anderson... and then found myself sitting at lunch with her... crying in the restaurant as she shared her life story with me.  I wasn't in the best of moods or the best of attitudes prior to that lunch.  I remember being in a place of darkness... and I remember feeling drawn into the light as the brightness of God's glory in her life shone on me... like a sunflower which turns its face towards the sun.  Her life story melted my heart... and what she said afterwards totally broke me of whatever residual hardness was left after the initial melting.  She said that she prayed for someone exactly like me in her life.  She is an older sister and feels a great deal of responsibility to care for her younger sister... and since her previous spiritual mentor moved away for grad school... she felt the need for another to take that place in her life.  She prayed for someone who had walked the path before her... in nursing... in life... to help guide her... and she decided that... that person was me.  I was the answer to her prayer.

About a month later... we were having lunch again... chatting more... and I don't know how it happened again either... but she told me that before she met me... she felt spiritually dead... spiritually dry and thirsty and that I was like a well who was pouring water onto her... bringing her back to life.  it hit me at that moment that God was affirming that gifting within me and that He didn't want me to wait until next year to use my gifting... He wanted me to use them NOW.  I shared that tidbit about my FLOW consultation with her... about how two other people had recognized that God has put me into situations where I call out to people... bringing them out of spiritual death and darkness... and she said that she got goosebumps... because that was exactly what she had just said that I'd done in her life.  And it was also exactly what she had done for me in my life.  I met another person recently who listened to me talk for a little while and once again affirmed this gifting... and another person who's known me all my life... who again affirmed me in this.  What a blessing to have been gifted... and to have others see and affirm it.  Unbelievable.

I recently went on vacation with my cousins.  While on vacation... I was away from my friends... and I seriously and legitimately missed them.  I thought about faces... about people's presence... and about how much I longed to be with them and near them.  These people... some of whom I've barely met... and some that I've known for years... but have now grown so attached to them that my heart yearns to be near them when we're apart... made me realize how many precious gifts of friendship and relationships I've been given over the years.  And then to be near my cousins... some of whom I've known all my life... and some who have married into our family fairly recently... to delight in their presence... to laugh with my whole heart... to make memories and to share what's on our hearts... what's on our minds... to have unconditional support and love shared between us... it floored me.  How am I surrounded by such amazing people?  It was as if I was standing in the middle of a garden... turning around and finding beautiful flowers surrounding me in every direction... and wondering when all these plants and flowers bloomed... and it was obvious to me that all of this happened... after Anderson passed away... after I had been broken... through widowhood.

I recently made another friend... who after hearing my story... said that this concept came to mind... of kintsukuroi... the Japanese art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.  I shared this concept with another friend who told me that he had JUST read about this concept...

     It's called kintsugi, the Japanese art of mending broken pottery by filling the cracks with gold. It's not about fixing things like they were never broken, it's about accepting change as part of what is going to happen either way. Uncoupling our idea of broken from our idea of dirty...  The idea that if you aren't hurt you don't matter, because we are the sum of our wounds. That the opposite of fixed is broken, is dirty.

     But kintsugi says that fixed is the opposite of unbroken. We all get broken and we all hopefully get fixed, and only a seriously warped perspective would say that broken is the endpoint instead of the halfway point. Innocence, experience, and then grace when you're old, and broken, and experienced enough to see it. They fill the cracks with gold, because what is beautiful is not factory newness but the passage of time: The way it bends us, and breaks us, and drops us into holes, and picks us up again. Uniquely us, the story that belongs only to us: The things written on us, not the untouched state we don't remember and didn't ever need. It's a new art, when you're done: It's the old parts and the new parts and all the work you did. And it is whole. And it is clean.

Another thing... somewhat related but unrelated... is that... since retreat... I had been crying a lot more.  It's OK tho.  I don't mind crying.  It just happens.  When my heart moves... I cry.  So I'm doing clinical hours at City of Hope... a cancer hospital... and sometimes I'm actually doing things... but a lot of the time, I'm observing.  I observe the MD... I observe the patient... I observe the family... and lately... I've had the opportunity to observe people as they're receiving bad news.  I watch them... and as the MD is talking... I can see their facial expression change as a cloud of sadness shadows them... and I know they are no longer listening to the words coming out of the MD's mouth... but they are struck with the realization of... "what am I going to do without him/her?" and it's as if time stopped... just for a moment... as they were hit with a wave of grief...  and then, in an instant... I watch them snap back to the present... and answer a question or ask one.  I'm not sure if everyone would be able to see it or if God has opened the eyes of my heart to be able to witness so obviously... the subtleties of grief... but I definitely think that there's a reason that I am able to see it... and because I see it... I was meant to do something about it.  I'm not sure what... but definitely... something.

It's the first of the month today.  I fully intended to use the beginning of every month to review and edit my own personal purpose statement.  I first drafted this purpose statement years ago... maybe in 2009... and I've been making addendums here and there as the years have gone by.  I added an addendum today... that my life would be defined by Christ... and that it would show.  I think... it's just another way to say the same thing... ok I guess I'll just share my purpose statement(s) and you can decide for yourself.

Gal 5:22 - for the fruit of the spirit to be outwardly evident in my life.
Purpose Statement: To be filled by the Spirit, to be led by the Spirit and to lead others by the Spirit.
Addendum: to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. And others as myself.
Addendum: to be wise. James 3:17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
Addendum: to be a woman after God's heart, whose character reflects God's in steadfast love, lovingkindness, wisdom, strength, consistency, trustworthiness
Addendum: to live a life worthy of the calling I have received. Worthy of a daughter of Christ.
Addendum: to strive to be a woman of excellence, worthy of a man of excellence... of an exemplary husband.
Addendum: to be defined by Christ and to have my life show it.

If all of this happened as a result of the grief I've experienced in my life... if the answer to the question, "what am I going to do without him?" was answered through the amazing experiences I've had... the amazing friends I've collected... and if the broken pieces of my life have been brought together once again... held together and reformed by His precious gold or silver... and if I am a more beautiful person now after having been broken... then... grief is good.  It is very, very good.

Ok I'm tired now.  I'm going to try to get some rest before clinicals today.
much much love,
Tiff