Angel Armies

I've been 31 years old for 2.5 weeks.  
Each new year has brought with it a new set of challenges and this year proves no different.  2013 may be exceptionally difficult, however... it feels like the hardest year of my life so far.  
This is the year I will learn to become a nurse practitioner.  I feel as though the past two years I've spent convincing myself that I can do this.  Now that I'm actually here, I'm doubting whether or not it can be done.  There is too much to learn... too much to know... and not enough time to do it all.  

You hear me when I callYou are my morning songThough darkness fills the nightIt cannot hide the light
Whom shall I fear?

Reflecting on this past birthday... a few things stand out to me.  This is the first year, in what feels like a very long time, that I've felt I've gained a new church family. It's been a huge answer to prayer. I've spent the last few years at a few different churches and it's been a heartbreaking transition each and every time.  With every church I decided to leave, I felt so disappointed... so lonely... and much like I was leaving an unrequited lover.  It hurt a lot to leave one church and brave another one on my own.  But if it took a few failed attempts to keep me on the search for a family that would love me back, then I'm glad I went through it.  I wrote before how I felt that churches were like different soils and I am a plant.  I can feasibly grow in different soils but some soils have the right combination of nutrients and minerals which are more suited to nurture the flower that I am right now.  It feels a lot easier to be here.  Like a breath of fresh air.  I'm not sure if I'm meant to be here forever but for now, I'm pretty darn sure this is where I was meant to be.  

I am also so touched and amazed by the number of people who gave me gifts which truly moved my heart.  And especially amazed at the extreme thoughtfulness of some of my newest friends.  I am always delighted to receive things from people.  Oftentimes, I am more delighted by the thought than I am by the gift.  I think that this year, there were SO MANY gifts where I was doubly delighted by the thoughtfulness of the giver and by the utter perfection of the gift.  I felt as though my lovely friends were mind readers...as if I were playing a game with all of you and I imagined something I wanted... and somehow so many of you just KNEW.  If I think realistically though... it's not as though all my friends are psychic... they were just really good at paying attention... and really talented and thoughtful gift buyers.  And maybe I got better at letting other people know me as well.  I've really, really enjoyed spending time with my friends.  I'm still enjoying spending one-on-one time with you.  I'm always really surprised at how much effort and how far some of my friends will go to spend time with me.  I feel like I am such a horrible friend compared to all of you.  After all my popcornopolis is gone... after all the gift cards to my favorite places have been used... my favorite things shared with my favorite people... have truly reminded me how loved I am and that I am not alone, despite how lonely I feel at times.

You crush the enemyUnderneath my feetYou are my Sword and ShieldThough troubles linger still
Whom shall I fear?

This past year may have been the first time that I've identified my deeply engrained fear of being unprepared and inadequate... and this year may be the first time that I'm being forced to confront these fears on a daily basis as I am constantly slapped in the face by my ignorance, naivety and lack of experience in the clinical setting.  In my first round of nursing school, I don't remember feeling so stupid all the time.  I remember being in awe of my preceptors... at how much they just knew... how much they could multi-task... at how natural they seemed at their jobs.  I'm still in awe of all of these qualities in my preceptors.  God has provided me with amazing people to learn from.  Maybe I'm so in awe that I'm dumbfounded... dumb and mute and paralyzed.  
I am sure that it is no coincidence that I'm confronted so frequently by my deepest fears.  If I am to work at my weaknesses, they need to be drawn out and brought to light.  And I have so many weaknesses.  It's overwhelming to think on them as a collection.  I'm just going to have to pick them out one by one and destroy them slowly.  It's like trying to get rid of an army of ants.  I have no Raid or bug spray.  I just have my finger.  One ant, one finger at a time.  And sometimes even though I think I've squashed it... it still lives.  Oh sweet Jesus, I pray for finger strength.  

I know Who goes before meI know Who stands behindThe God of angel armiesIs always by my sideThe One who reigns foreverHe is a Friend of mineThe God of angel armiesIs always by my side

In my time of need... as I'm scrambling to find my way in the fog... I've needed to be encouraged by the Lord, by my family, and by my friends.  God has used so many of you to speak so much encouragement into my life... you're like my angel armies... always by my side.  I don't see myself the way you see me.  And I don't even care if you're lying to me just to make me feel better. I appreciate your sweet lies.  I don't understand how so many of you can be so confident in me.  Do I see myself so wrong and so distorted?  I've needed so much to rely on my friends for prayer and support.  I feel about as strong as overcooked spaghetti.  Many times throughout my days living as a limp noodle... I hear your words playing in my head... your encouragements... and it gives me just enough strength to carry on.  

My strength is in Your nameFor You alone can saveYou will deliver meYours is the victory

Whether or not I succeed or fail at becoming a nurse practitioner of excellence, I know that my true worth does not lie in my degree, in my license, in my job, in my relationship status, in my family, in my friends... or in anything else in this world.  No matter what I do... I am and always will be a daughter of the Most High God.  Adopted as His child... grafted into His vine.  Bought with a price... with the precious blood of the unblemished Lamb.  If this door closes and if I am forced to go back to working as a Registered Nurse... it's OK.  If I somehow lose my license and I can't be a nurse anymore... it'll be OK as well.  This stuff is temporary.  It doesn't matter what I do... it matters for Whom I'm living for and as long as between me and God, I'm living my life to the fullest and with utmost obedience... He sees my heart and He is pleased.  His is the only opinion that matters.  And at least I'll know that I tried and gave it my all.  And honestly... if I could spend the rest of my life being with people... meeting new friends... sharing life... laughing and eating and encouraging others... I think I'd be pretty happy and will have led a very full life.  The location... eh.  Could be here or there... in a hospital, in a clinic... at a restaurant... at the gym... at the park... it doesn't matter.  People matter and I don't need to be a nurse practitioner to be a person who cares for other people and isn't afraid to show it (most of the time).  Over the past few years, God has really opened my eyes and my heart to see people more in the way that He sees them.  It's truly amazing.  The depths of His love... are deeper than the ocean... and He has allowed me the opportunity to experience His deep love and to pour out His love to others.  Even when it sometimes feels impossible for me to care even an iota more... the moment I am aware of someone's hurt, someone's pain, someone's brokenness... it's as if there is suddenly just a little bit more to give.  
It doesn't always happen though.  In fact, today as I was sitting with a friend at Starbucks... I observed a deeply distraught person in an encounter with someone who knew her but didn't seem to care... and for some reason... nothing moved in me.  I was observing it... as if it were happening on television and I weren't 10 feet away.  I kept doing what I was doing just like all the other people sitting around with their laptops and headphones.  I observed some more and what I saw was humbling.  I saw another girl... one who wasn't so self-absorbed like me... ask if the distraught girl was OK.  She went and got her wallet and bought the distraught girl an ice-blended mocha.  And not a small one either.  After distraught girl left... the angel girl came and sat down with the man who appeared to know the girl but who didn't seem to care.  I witnessed her lay hands on this man and pray for distraught girl and for him.  I'm not sure what was said or what was going on... all I know was that I was humbled and convicted of my selfishness.  Honestly... what did it cost the angel girl?  Not much.  What would it have cost me?  Nothing much at all.  I'm thankful that the angel girl was there to be a salt and a light to distraught girl and uncaring man.  I didn't step up to the plate this time.  I'm glad that God provided for them in spite of me.  Must be more aware and intentional for next time.  

And nothing formed against me shall standYou hold the whole world in your handsI'm holding onto Your promisesYou are faithful

He is so faithful.  He has always been faithful.  He will always continue to be faithful.  How could I ever doubt His faithfulness and His provision when He has been nothing but unwavering, unchanging, unfailing since the beginning of time?  I can't even count the ways He has provided so bountifully for me in these past few years alone.  What makes me think that my present situation or whatever lies in my future... that He will be any different?  He will not change.  He will never change.  He is the only One with whom I can say with utmost confidence that He IS who He IS.  He is alpha and omega.  It is so, so true.  In big ways and small ways... He has been found faithful.  

The God of angel armies is always by my side - Chris Tomlin

Thank you for continuing to read my crazed and random thoughts.  Until next time... 

much love,
Tiff

Meltdown

It's my first post of 2013 and I'm somewhat glad/sad that what the reason I'm blogging is because I had a mini meltdown the other day.  It only lasted about an hour or so... I guess I can consider it a blessing that it was so quickly alleviated.

A week ago, I took some notes on the sermon preached and I wanted to take the time to flesh out my thoughts.  I didn't get around to doing it though but today's peek at my last journal entry helped remind me of stuff I wanted to think about from last week.

Embrace my limp

The sermon was on Jacob and his wrestling match with God.  Jacob didn't quit and subsequently was blessed.  He also left the encounter with a limp for the rest of his life.  The limp kinda crippled Jacob, but instead of getting down about the limp... we should embrace the limp and remember that it is a joyful reminder of God's love.

I thought about my life and I felt like my widowhood was my limp.  That was the obvious answer.  It is my beautiful contradiction... that which should have destroyed me has made me stronger.

Upon further inspection though... I think I've been really struggling with a couple things.  Fear of being unprepared and a fear of inadequacy.

It took me a while to even realize that I was struggling and/or stressed.  If I take a look back, I can recognize these fears surfacing... even if I didn't exactly FEEL stressed... I probably WAS stressed.

For example, last month, I kept having recurring dreams with similar themes.  I would dream that I'm late for work and my entire closet was barren... no scrubs.  No clean scrubs; not even any dirty scrubs.  It was a dream full of panic.  I had another dream where I went on vacation and for some reason didn't have any luggage.  I tend to be one of those people who overpack rather than underpack.  All the what ifs really get to me.  I've been trying to learn how to pack the bare essentials and just pick up the things I need locally if necessary.  I haven't really traveled anywhere exotic lately either.  Regardless... the dreams were my subconscious alerting me of my fear.

A couple weeks ago, I had class for a week straight.  That particular week, my period arrived a week late (which used to happen a lot during finals week) AND I got cold sores (which I hadn't gotten in 4 years or so... since the last time I was in nursing school).  While I didn't FEEL the stress, I think my body was trying to give me hints that I WAS stressed.

These two fears... do have the potential to cripple me.  I broke down and admitted to myself that I needed to ask for prayer.  I felt like a bruised reed... just barely hanging on... structurally.  Prophylactically, I sent out a prayer request to some people.  I didn't even send it out to my usual support system... I actually didn't think it was that big an issue until...

A few days ago...I listened to a patient and I couldn't hear a heart murmur. On the drive home from clinicals that day, I had a meltdown.  I took surface streets because I didn't want to sit in Friday traffic and during that hour-long drive home, I was bombarded with feelings of inadequacy.  I felt like quitting my NP program and going back to regular nursing in the hospital.  I kept telling myself that I wasn't good enough to see patients in this kind of role... I'll never be good enough... I know nothing... I'm a horrible person and a horrible nurse... and I'm not good at anything.   I was crying and also eating cheddar cheese popcornopolis... so I have a couple of oddly-shaped tissues in my car... oddly shaped probably because of the dried tears and also look extra weird because they're speckled with cheesy finger smears.

Even though I was having a mini meltdown... I was also soothing myself.  It's really weird how I can be freaking out AND counseling myself at the same time.  I usually think about what I would say to someone who was going through this kind of meltdown and it did kind of help.  I remembered that I'm at the very beginning of my education and I can't compare myself to people who have been in practice for 20 years.  I'm still a work in progress.  And I had to ask myself why I was overreacting to something so small.  When that happens, it's usually because I've bottled up all the bad stuff and it came pouring out because of something really insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  It was definitely time to do some self-examination.

The unexamined life is not worth living. -Socrates

Today's message was focused on examination of our lives as well.  It was pretty timely since it's something I've had to do to figure out why I had this meltdown to begin with... however, I think I was ready to push past the examination and move on to the assessment and plan.  I will attempt to SOAP myself.  Don't critique it.  It's just semi-applying what I'm doing for my school assignments to my real life situation.

Subjective:

• Chief Complaint: emotional meltdown
• History of Present Illness:  Patient is a 30 year old Asian-American female enrolled in a graduate nursing program who recently transitioned from working as a staff RN to a full-time student last week.  She started her clinical rotation 6 days ago and reports experiencing mood swings, extremely unusual loss of appetite, irregular sleep pattern, irregular bowel pattern, and unusually long menstrual cycle x1 month.
• Social history: Pt is widowed since 2009.  She lives at home with her parents who provide her with a good support system.  She still mourns the loss of her best friend and recognizes that she needs to be extra careful to practice effective coping mechanisms because she no longer has that one person who took primary care of her mental, emotional, and spiritual health.  

Objective:

• General: No acute distress
• HEENT: some temporal tenderness, spontaneous clear drainage from bilateral eyes, furrowed brow, muscle tension/spasm noted on bilateral trapezius muscles
• Extremities: orange powder stains on right thumb and index finger, bilateral foot tenderness 

Assessment/Plan:

• Stress: Pt has been in denial about the effect the external stressors and role transition on her mental, emotional, and spiritual health.  Recommend reminding herself that there are many external stressors present in her life and she needs to be cognizant of them and her response to them.  
• Fear of being unprepared/inadequacy: She is feeling overwhelmed by her new role and the vast amounts of information she is expected to master as a nurse practitioner.  
• Prioritize: place God first and foremost in life, stop activities which waste time and choose activities which will be beneficial
• Perspective: maintain a gospel-centered viewpoint and not a self-centered viewpoint
• Stress relieving activities: maintain social activities, maintain contact with friends, exercise
• Remedy knowledge deficits: study hard, study well
• Popcornopolis addiction: Orange powder stains will resolve after last cone of cheddar cheese popcorn consumed.
• Foot tenderness likely from wearing heels for the past week.  Recommend foot massage.

So... after today's message... I was left pondering... am I living a life that reflects hope?  Why should I hope in God anyway?

Sometimes people think that faith is blind.  It's actually not blind or illogical.  It does not always defy reason... but it almost always defies our natural tendencies or our fleshly impulses.  

If I really take the time to think about it... to pull myself out of my own situation for a bit, I remember why I should hope in God.

• The past
• His goodness to me, to other believers I know, as documented in the Bible
• His faithfulness to me, to other believers I know, as documented in the Bible
• His provision to me, to other believers I know, as documented in the Bible
• The future
• His promises
• His plans are perfect
• He is in control
• The present
• (see below for explanation)

Within a few hours of arriving at home after my cheesy popcorn meltdown in the car, God provided two friends to comfort and encourage me immediately.  It can be tempting to hide my feelings when I'm not feeling great.  There's always a split-second choice... when someone asks me how I'm doing... I can say "fine" or I can tell the truth if I'm not fine.  I chose to tell my friend that I wasn't fine and because I did that, she was able to minister to me and I was reminded of how amazing my friends are.  After I finished talking to my friends about it, I went down and checked my mail and got a postcard sent from New Zealand from a friend reminding me how amazing it was that we've gone through some pretty crazy stuff in the past and have survived it all.  And then I checked on today's devotional reading and it was this passage and this devotional by John Piper:

1Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.2In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. John 14:1-3 

Here in we meet an unholy heart-turmoil. “Let not your hearts be troubled.” This is a fretful failure to trust God fully for the problem we are facing. At first it may look like Jesus is addressing an anxiety that isn’t the one you’re dealing with. But hang on, because Jesus takes a surprising turn in this story. 

You recall how this Gospel works. John tells us in John 20:31 what his goal for you is: “These are written so that you may believe (trust, be assured, treasure the reality) that Jesus is the Christ (the promise-fulfilling Messiah), the Son of God (the presence of God himself - God the Son - among us), and that by believing you may have life in his name.” And when he says “life” he means the connection with God’s life, through connection with Jesus. And that life includes the power not to have unholy turmoil of soul. 

So what we encounter in this Gospel is the living God, the creator of the world, present among us humans, in our world in his Son - the infinitely loved, eternal, image and radiance of his essence and through faith, through believing and receiving him for all that he is, we are connected to this on and through him to the Father, and so share in eternal, supernatural life, even now."I Am the Way, the Truth, and the Life," sermon

And so it came back to the gospel once again.  The greatest macro reason why I can have hope in God is because of what Jesus did on the cross... conquering sin and death and giving us the power not to have unholy turmoil of the soul.  The micro reasons are all the little things He does in between that show me that He's concerned with both the entire world and with little, insignificant, inadequate me... freaking out about not being able to hear a murmur in the middle of my nurse practitioner program.  God's timing was, and always is, perfect.  He did meet me where I was and He will continue to do so every day for the rest of my life.  The evidence is clear.

In the days after my meltdown incident, more and more friends have reminded me about how awesome they are and how blessed I am to have them in my life.  Whether it be through a random massage at a bridal shower, or friends to push me to exercise more, or friends to eat with, friends to laugh with, friends to talk about makeup stuff with, a friend who always sits next to me at church so I'm never sitting by myself, a friend who will notice I got a haircut and will offer to do my nails for me...

I'm still in recovery... and find that I'm very quick to be impatient and annoyed but overall, I feel much better post meltdown.  It also kinda reminded me of this passage...

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver. (Malachi 3:3) 

Our Father, who seeks to perfect His saints in holiness, knows the value of the refiner’s fire. It is with the most precious metals that a metallurgist will take the greatest care. He subjects the metal to a hot fire, for only the refiner’s fire will melt the metal, release the dross, and allow the remaining, pure metal to take a new and perfect shape in the mold. 

A good refiner never leaves the crucible but, as the above verse indicates, “will sit” down by it so the fire will not become even one degree too hot and possibly harm the metal.And as soon as he skims the last bit of dross from the surface and sees his face reflected in the pure metal, he extinguishes the fire. Arthur Tappan Pierson

The meltdown serves to purify me.  The refining fire only lasts for as long and as hot as necessary... as soon as the work is done, the fire is extinguished.

I look forward to the extinguishing but I also look forward to the end result of all of this.  I look forward to learning more even if it's trial by fire.  I look forward to graduating and hopefully finally being done with school. I look forward to growth and I suppose that also means I look forward to the growing pains that come along with it.  If I'm going to overcome, I need to embrace my limp and utilize my fears of inadequacy and being unprepared to push me to be a better student, a better practitioner, and a better person in general.  I need to push myself to remember that my worth and significance doesn't come from my job or my friends or my family... it comes from God.  I could fail and become a horrible nurse practitioner and kill people left and right (OK I REALLY hope that doesn't happen. I'd like to think that I would quit long before that happens) but that still doesn't mean I'm not valuable as a person.  My value comes from my identity in Christ and nothing can change that.  This is my process of refinement... uniquely tailored for me... with a fire set at the perfect heat to do the work He needs to do in me.  I look forward to Him doing a greater work in me and for His face to be reflected in me.  In this way, I can trust in His process and look beyond the heat to His master plan.

I'm still not feeling very confident but definitely a lot better after having been reminded of all of this.  Hopefully, next week will be better than last week.

Thank you for being my friends/family.
<3 p="">Tiff

Micro Happy

Can one be macro-happy without being micro-happy?

I think I first began pondering macro and micro stuff when it came to God's love for us.  Yes, God loved the world so He gave His only Son for us... on a macro level... but He also cares for me personally... on a micro level... through the everyday happenings of my life. He cares enough to show His love for me down to the finest details of my life... even things that I didn't know I cared about or loved... He loves me enough to know me better than I know myself and He left love notes for me to find along the journey of my day to day life.  This is love through and through.  It is so much love that He IS Love. Macro and Micro Love. 

So today... I was pondering... macro vs. micro happy.  I think sometimes people give motivational speeches to get us to think about the world... to get outside of our own little comfort zone and ponder our greater existence... our greater purpose.  And seriously... I recall one Daily Bread that I read in college... I think I was probably going through a breakup and up until that point, it was probably the worst thing I'd ever gone through in my entire life... and that one particular Daily Bread challenged me to stop thinking only of myself and stop dwelling on my shame spiral and start doing things for others... to put others first before myself.  And it totally helped.  I tore it out and like stuck it on my bulletin board so I would stare at it whenever I started feeling sorry for myself.  It does help to get some perspective. 

But lately when people have been asking me how I've been or how I'm doing... I say I'm OK and I'm fine... but even as I say those words, I know it's not completely true.  I couldn't get myself to say how I really felt because I couldn't quite reconcile the macro and the micro.  If I said that I wasn't doing too well, people would ask me why... and I really couldn't give them a legitimate reason.  Work's OK.  School's OK.  Church is OK.  There's no big problems with my family.  No serious financial issues.  No HUGE dissertation issues.  There's always little things that are left up in the air but it's not like I'm running out of time on anything.  Still single.  But it's not like I'm really running out of time on that either.  Although someone did tell me that I looked 25.  CRAP.  I'm starting to look closer to my actual age.  That scares me.  When I first started working, people would say I looked 18 but I couldn't be 18 so they'd guess 22.  I suppose I've aged appropriately.  I have been working for a few years now.  But DANG.  The day I start to look my age, I think it's all downhill from there.  I have noticed also that the number little bottles on my bathroom counter have increased exponentially.  There's like whitening serum, moisturizing mask, eye cream, face cream, sunblock, foundation, concealer, etc. etc.  When I was 20, I didn't see the point in makeup because whatever I put on my face, I still looked exactly the same.  Now... it's not exactly the same.  Oh well.  Such is life.  Anyway... I have no reason to be macro unhappy.  But I've lost my bubblies.  I dunno where they went. 

I've been feeling sluggish lately.  Tired.  I don't sleep that well and right when I wake up, I'm thinking about when I can get back into bed.  I can recall a time... when I would wake up and be excited for what I was going to do that day or what I was going to eat.  I'd jump out of bed and bounce while I was brushing my teeth.  Nowadays, it's more like... rolling out of bed and the only thing that bounces when I brush my teeth are my eyelids as I try to keep them open.  At first I thought it was the move to day shift.  But it's been 6 or 7 months already.  I'm not sure if it takes that long to readjust.  I've also gained like 15 lbs.  Now I'm thinking a thyroid issue or something but my thyroid levels were fine a few months ago and I've been feeling like this for quite a while. 

Maybe pondering my macro happy will help restore my micro happy. 

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. - E. Joseph Cossman

I recently got an email from a friend.  She replied to an email update I sent her a year ago and as I read what I was dealing with one year ago in December... I marveled at how much things have changed since then.  I barely started working in the ICU night shift in December 2011.  Since then I have transferred to Cardiac ICU and I'm now on day shift.  In December 2011, I was preparing myself to leave a church I had been going to for 18 months.  Since then I spent 6 months at EV Free Fullerton and the past 6 months at Newsong NOC.  A year ago, we were preparing for the death of my grandma.  She has since passed away.  And then there was some more stuff I wrote about... let's just say I'm probably a lot more emotionally stable right now than last year.  It's not really something I'm used to, but I guess it could be a good thing.  Very low lows are not so fun.  But I have also had some really high highs.  I'm not very very low or very very high.  I'm like... moderately low with moderately high highs here and there.  I dunno.  It's a strange place I find myself in right now.  But there has definitely been a lot of progress and movement this past year.  A very auspicious start to my 30's.

God has been very faithful.   I am on the eve of more major life changes.  January 1st will be my last shift at work as a staff RN for the time being.  My director told me that I'd always have a job there if I wanted it.  Our solution was to put me in per diem (part-time no benefits) status and for me to take a leave for the first two months of the year and see how my clinicals go.  I start clinicals the third week of January.  My clinicals should run almost 5 days a week, 8-ish hour days.  That will be a big change from working 12-hr shifts a few days a week.  But maybe it'll be easier to explain.  Maybe not.  Nothing about my education or work is easy to explain.  I think that's why nurses need to be around nurses sometimes.  No one else understands.  I think I also need to be around people in my program because no other NP student understands the uniqueness and also the unique frustrations of my particular program like my cohort does.  No nurse is an island.  Or at least we shouldn't be if we want to stay mentally and emotionally healthy. 

I think one of the most major developments this past year has been in my friendships.  In 2 years of being at a couple different churches and even working on 4 different hospital units... I have not made friendships like I've made in the past 6 months.  They're all still works in progress but there has been progress.  Since I've been going through my funk the past few months... I haven't exactly been seeking people out as much as I used to... and yet... people still continue to seek me out.  Every person who asks me how I'm doing or texts me or messages me or asks me how I'm doing outside of work or church... is something special to me.  To be remembered when I'm not seen... that is incredibly meaningful to me.  I actually hadn't exactly thought about it much until right now.  I know it means a lot to me when it happens but... to be remembered when I'm not seen... that is exactly what touches my heart in profound ways.  Love note, right there.  Each of my friends are love notes from God to care for me even when I don't exactly want to care for others. 

I've collected a lot of adventure friends over the years and over this past year as well.  All of you share the load in caring for me.  Sometimes I'm doing really well and I care for you guys and sometimes I'm not really doing well and you guys care for me.  All in all, it's been good.  Ups and downs but... very, very good.  Kinda reminds me of this passage which I've been thinking about for the past month or so...

1 Corinthians 12. One Body with Many Members

¹² For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves^[d] or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.
¹⁴ For the body does not consist of one member but of many. ¹⁵ If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁶ And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? ¹⁸ But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. ¹⁹ If all were a single member, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts,^[e] yet one body.
²¹ The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” ²² On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, ²³ and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, ²⁴ which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, ²⁵ that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. ²⁶ If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

I've read this many times over my lifetime but for some reason... a few weeks ago... when I read that "our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require"... I thought about what part I am.  In general... I think I'd probably be a more presentable part.  If I thought about what part of the body of Christ I might be... I thought I could be a hand or something like that.  Hands are usually uncovered.  And it is the hands which do many things... but it is the hands that cover the unpresentable parts.  Those parts are vulnerable.  Maybe shameful if they were exposed to the world.  Those parts need to be protected.  And I took it as a charge from God to be a good hand and protect the vulnerable parts.  I've been pondering how I can protect the vulnerable.  I can't protect everything but for those things that I see very clearly... I need to take steps towards protecting them and keeping them protected.  It's something I'm pondering this year.  How to "protect" generously and care for the body of Christ.  

I'm thankful that Newsong has been a place where I can serve and be served.  I've been pondering this church since December marked my 6 months at this church and I've been evaluating my progress every 6 months.  It's the first time in a few years where I've felt like I'm interacting with the community and the community is interacting with me.  It's mostly in small ways but there is a give and take that I haven't experienced in a while.  I liken these churches to soil and me to a plant.  Church is to soil as Tiff is to plant.  The Tiff-plant can grow in many kinds of soil.  Maybe certain types of soil were necessary at certain growth periods... and the soil that I spent 20 years at... when I cut those roots to transplant somewhere else... it was painful and incredibly disruptive.  When I transplanted to Cornerstone... I recognized it as good soil... but for some reason I couldn't interact with the soil too much.  The roots didn't spread even though the plant was growing.  Same thing at EV Free Fullerton.  Tiff-plant grew but the composition of the soil somehow didn't jive as well with the Tiff-plant.  And I think that it had a purpose in it.  The roots didn't stick because that's not where I was meant to be.  I was meant to be there for that time period but not for very long.  Every transplant was difficult... but necessary.  It was like the soil was resisting my roots... but it was probably because I wouldn't have kept looking for different soil if the roots had spread.  I might not have moved on and I wouldn't be where I am today.  And where I am today is a good place.  The soil is not perfect but it's a good composition for the time being. 

I don't think I'm done pondering the year but this might be the last post of 2012.  It's also way past my night-before-work bedtime.   It does help my micro-happy to ponder macro-happy.  I'll have to keep pondering micro-happy to figure out how I can get macro and micro to get in sync. 

I heard this on the radio today and I wanted to ponder it a bit more so I made a mental note to Google blog it... 

May You Have
Unknown

May you have……
Enough happiness to keep you sweet,
Enough trials to keep you strong,
Enough sorrow to keep you human,
Enough hope to keep you happy;
Enough failure to keep you humble,
Enough success to keep you eager,
Enough friends to give you comfort,
Enough wealth to meet your needs;
Enough enthusiasm to look forward,
Enough faith to banish depression,
Enough determination to make each day better than yesterday.

2012 has been more than enough.  

lots to ponder...
<3 p="p">Tiff

I'll take the diarrhea

You may have an inkling of what your day at work will be like when you utter those words as your team leader is assigning patients at the beginning of shift. 

I'll take the diarrhea.

Backing up just a bit... 

Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test! I hope you will find out that we have not failed the test. But we pray to God that you may not do wrong—not that we may appear to have met the test, but that you may do what is right, though we may seem to have failed. For we cannot do anything against the truth, but only for the truth. For we are glad when we are weak and you are strong. Your restoration is what we pray for.  2 Corinthians 13:5-9

I've been feeling a lot lately that my spiritual lessons are being mirrored in my workplace.  Or maybe it's that I'm learning the lessons in two places... one in theory and one in practice.  A lot of what Paul has been telling the churches has been extremely relevant between me and God and between me and my co-workers or me and my patients.  I can see very clearly how being a good worker is not separate from my relationship with God, but a significant part of it.  God says to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength... and also to do whatever you do with your whole heart.  I think that if you love the Lord with all your heart, everything you do will also follow suit.  

I want to strive for excellence in all areas of my life.  It is my intention... but sometimes you gotta know when to give a little and prioritize a bit.  Work is usually near the top of the list.  However...

When I first took this job, I did it more because I needed to.  It was an answer to prayer... a part-time day shift position that would give me a little more time to breathe and to focus more on school.  Also, since I interviewed for this position and made it very clear that I would need to quit or severely reduce my hours starting in January, it was generally agreed upon that I'd take the easier patients and that I probably wouldn't necessarily be trained to take on the more difficult or complex patients... just get exposure to them.  

I was thinking about last Sunday's sermon.  I remember movie titles.  I had to glance back at my notes to remember the things that stood out to me though.  At the top of my notes was a line I jotted down about momma birds making their nests prickly so that the babies will leave the nest.  I tried googling it and found a couple of blogs about "the way of eagles"... and how eagles teach their young.  First, the nest is really comfy.  The babies are well fed and cozy.  Sounds nice.  But eagles weren't meant to sit in their nests the whole time.  They were meant to fly.  The parents will then stop bringing food to the babies. They will also fly around the nest so that the babies can see them flying. And then the parents will grab the babies with their talons and place them at the edge of the nest so they can view the world from their perch... usually from really high up... like in a cleft of a mountain or something.  They were forced by necessity and placed in an opportunity where all they'd have to do is jump and let their instincts take over.  

I feel like my managers have been like... partially pushing me to the edge of the nest and partially preparing me to take bigger stuff and it's partially intentional and partially due to necessity.  I'm pretty sure it's about efficient use of resources... and also that my unit was semi-short-staffed... which is also why there was an opening for me to work there.  I was pretty happy to just sit back and take the "easy" patients and finish out my 7 months of work in relative peace and calm.  Fortunately or unfortunately, my nest got a little prickly and I've been taking some patients that I'm not necessarily comfortable with but I've always been given enough resources around me to be able to learn on the spot and get through it.  I can't say I've been perfect but I really do try my best every time I work. 

Anyway.  We had an exceptionally rough set of patients yesterday.  Even though we only take a max of two patients per nurse, usually, we'll try to pair a harder one with an easier one and not assign someone with two hard ones or two easy ones.  It took us 15-20 minutes to even decide which patients to match (usually takes less than 5) and then to assign which nurses would take those pairs took an additional 5 minutes based on who could take which, who would be available to do what at a later time....  Regardless of how hard the patients are... no one really likes to take the patient who's having diarrhea.  It is part of the job but it's a lot nicer when we have patients who don't need to be cleaned as frequently.  So I said the words, "I'll take the diarrhea".  

I thought the whole day woulda been giving fluids and cleaning poop but it was a whole lot more than that... talk about false advertising.  But just like Forrest Gump says about life and the box of chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get.  

It took me an hour or so (after I finished cleaning diarrhea twice) to fully assess both my patients and figure out what my plan was for that day.  I distinctly remember looking at the monitor... looking at my patient... and images and stories from lectures were flashing through my mind.  Tachypnea... tachycardia... no fever... but two criteria is enough to meet SIRS (systemic inflammatory response syndrome) criteria... and he's hypotensive and on a vasopressor (to bring up his blood pressure...)... if it was just dehydration, the fluids woulda been enough... but he's still hypotensive and... looking at the vitals from when he first came to the unit last night... it's getting worse.  And he's got an infection.  And he had diarrhea for 3 weeks.  My gut was telling me something was gonna start going seriously south... but all my co-workers were busy running around and putting out fires of their own... and their fires were serious emergencies.  I did have a little more time to ponder mine.  And ponder I did... until I found a few minutes to ponder with my manager and that's when everything started to happen.  

It was non-stop running to keep my patient alive for 8 hours... it was a really rough day which was riddled with complications.  Nothing went smoothly or as expected, for me or for every single one of the nurses on my unit... actually everyone... respiratory therapists, xray techs and secretaries included.  I'm not sure if it made it worse or better that there were nursing students there... (actually better... I did need an extra set of hands quite a few times yesterday)... AND people going around doing audits and taking up computers and space in the nursing station.  I had never been so behind on charting, nor scrambling so much for so long.  Thankfully I had a few grown-up eagles there to help me along.  I would NOT have been able to survive the day without their help.  I stayed two hours longer after my shift in order to catch up on 12 hours of charting for two patients.  I never clock out late.  Yesterday was pretty... exceptional. 

It was textbook sepsis... rapidly deteriorating to septic shock.  At the end of the work day... after I finished giving report... I looked at my patient... he went from 2 IV pumps to 8, he went from breathing 2 liters of oxygen with a nasal cannula to having a breathing tube and a ventilator, he went from no isolation to contact isolation for C. diff (a really nasty bug)... it was a big change in just a few hours.  My heart was still racing from being in emergency mode for so long.  And at the end of the day, I had a gut feeling that he wasn't going to make it through the night despite my best efforts.  I kept thinking to myself... how it all started when I said, "I'll take the diarrhea".  

I haven't had such a sick patient in a while.  After such a whirlwind events, I was laying in bed pondering everything that happened.  I kept trying to think about what I should have done, what I could have done better, what I could have done faster... what should have been done in the ER... where did our system fail us... could we benefit from more education?  Are there any systematic changes that could be implemented to improve outcomes?  

I've been considering the same thing in my own life.  What am I doing... what could be done better... in what ways can I systematically prepare for a more successful outcome... what do I want... what am I passionate about... am I living a life full of love... and what do I love... who do I love... a lot of times, my actions show what I love without me consciously thinking about it... anyway... it's a lot to ponder and sometimes I end up feeling overwhelmed but... I think it's a good way to think.  To test myself.  Analyze and evaluate... and then form an action plan.  With deadlines.  

Or I could just wing it.  

Speaking of winging it... I was reading about the eagles and someone had written that eagles fly directly into a storm instead of seeking shelter and riding it out... the gusts and torrents actually provide lift and help the eagles soar higher and fly faster.  If I want to be the kind of eagle that soars high and flies fast... I think I'm gonna hafta push myself outside my comfort zone and fly directly into the storm... or maybe to a trauma 1 hospital for training.  I am scared that I won't be good enough... but I won't know what I'm good for until I push myself to the limit.  Yeah.  It sounds good in theory.  We'll see how I feel when I'm perched at a precipice with miles of space between me and the ground...with dark, thunderous clouds in front of me... and torrential winds blowing straight at me.  Or maybe it'll just seem like storms when in actuality, it's just a gentle breeze and a passing cloud as I'm perched on a low-hanging branch of a tree in a park.  

I'm thankful for so much.  Thankful for my co-workers... thankful for that my other patient got through his day smoothly and without crashing... thankful for the doctors and their help... thankful for training... thankful for remembering that story about the septic lady that I heard in a lecture... thankful for experience in the ICU... thankful that I wore the more comfortable shoes that day instead of the ones I almost wore (which probably would have made me fall since I was running back and forth so much), thankful for the nursing students who helped me do blood sugar checks and helped me turn my heavy patients... thankful that my mom packed me lunch that particular day so I could eat it for dinner after work cuz I had no time before life group to eat anything else... and also thankful for life group so I could calm down and be around people and laugh and chatter about all kinds of stuff non-related to hospitals and dying patients... and just overall being thankful for a job... thankful to be a nurse... thankful to be an ICU nurse... thankful that the sons of my patient were able to make it to the hospital and that they seemed to have effective coping mechanisms and thankful that I had good rapport with them as well.  I'm thankful that I went to work yesterday even though I really didn't feel like going to work when I woke up.  All in all... a good day. 

Still pondering...
<3 span="span">
Tiff

Inadequacy

Okay.  So I had a lot I wanted to write down and ponder through... yesterday...but by the time I got around to it, it was really late and I figured it woulda been wiser to just go to sleep.  I had a pretty full day today and now that I'm trying to remember about yesterday, I'm having a hard time.  I still want to write so I'll just try. 

I think I do a lot of arguing in my head.  I go back and forth, flit here and there... so writing things out tends to help me gain clarity.  It also helps me decide which thought gets to reign supreme... at least for that day.

I went to two church services yesterday and I'm kind of getting all jumbled as to what was said.  Instead of reporting my thoughts... I think I'll try to write down how the sermons made me feel. 

During the first service, I cried.  I cried pretty hard.  Before you get all sad and stuff... I think you should be reminded that I rather enjoy crying.  I don't really enjoy how I look when I cry but I enjoy how it makes me feel afterwards.  It's cathartic.  And I hadn't cried in a while so I was long due for a purging. 

I went to visit my friend at her church.  I'd been feeling that I miss the Word.  I really love the Word and I love it when other people share what they've learned directly from it.  I also really love learning about the people in the stories... about what they did, how they reacted, and what it meant... how God took it and what God did afterwards. 

This sermon was on Genesis... the Abraham parts more specifically.  I really like Abe.  He had amazing faith.  He did make mistakes... as did almost everyone else in the Bible... but he did believe and God counted it as righteousness. 

I remember reading about what happened back then when they made covenants.  Covenants were something taken very seriously.  They chopped animals in half and then walked between the halves of the animal and it was a symbol of the covenant... that they be torn in half like these animals if they broke covenant.  I'm pretty sure that's the gist of it.  It's a gruesome image and I'm kinda glad that we don't do that today but at the same time... I also wish that people wouldn't make promises so easily and break their word more often than not.  Something I learned on Sunday was that of the two parties making the covenant... the weaker one would walk through.  But what had happened was that God caused a flaming torch to pass through the carcasses... and in that way God lowered Himself to make a covenant with Abraham.  I didn't remember that little tidbit... or I didn't pay attention to it but the pastor made a point to mention it and it really stuck with me.  How great is our God that He would lower Himself to covenant with us?  What an amazing echo of the kind of love God shows His people throughout history. 

Another piece I remember from the sermon was about the promise God made to bless Abe with offspring too numerous to count.  It was about 19ish years after God made that promise to Abe before Isaac was born.  Before that, Ishmael was born... because Abe and Sarah thought they'd help God out in their own way since they were both getting old and they'd been waiting for years already.  So... the thing I learned from that part was... not to rush God's promises.  If I rush and do things my way... I make trouble.  He fulfills His promises in His good timing and a lot of times, He waits until it's humanly impossible before He acts so that we will know with absolute certainty that it was Him and only Him.  He doesn't need me to "help" him... He just wants my obedience and continual submission to Him. 

And about continual submission... God called Abe to forsake everything that he knew... to leave and go to a land which God would tell him (but didn't tell him at the time he had to leave).  I don't know about you but ever since I had a little mishap with the GPS and it led me straight into a prison, I have decided that it would be a good idea to have some kind of a general gist of where I'm going before even leaving the driveway.  Just an overview.  And also... that it's a good idea to trust what I'm seeing with my own eyes and not follow the directions blindly.  This is a good thing to do when driving because GPS's can be wrong... and especially with maps in iOS 6... you best double check just in case.  But this is not the case with God.  God knows all and He knows exactly where you need to go and the perfect route to get there.  It's probably better that you don't trust what your eyes can see because our eyes are so fleshly and dim and sometimes God wants to do so much MORE than our eyes can see that we'd be limited in what we'd receive because our flesh limits us.  God has proven Himself worthy to be trusted 100% at all times... Garmin and TomTom haven't.  So with God... I know the ultimate destination... which is heaven... but everything in between in this life... how long it'll take me to get there... which route I'll be taking... I have no idea.  And God calls me... just like Abe... to just go to a land which He will tell me... step by step... and have confidence knowing that I am exactly where I need to be right now because He wouldn't have detoured me or brought me here if there wasn't an express purpose for it to be so.  I am super bad with directions.  My gut almost always tells me to go the wrong way.  It's usually no biggie... I just have to make a lot of U-turns... but how much more efficient would it be if I just listened to the God who knows... versus listening to myself and then having to make U-turns or having to make a few lefts or rights to get back to where I was and then go the other way? 

Another memorable line was... that God doesn't call us to be martyrs right away... usually not.  In my case... not.  He actually calls us to die slowly over time... on a daily basis.  Dying to myself and choosing God's way instead is my act of obedience and if there is no greater love expressed than to die for others... my obedience is showing God I love Him.  That is definitely something I want to do. 

So... action points.  It's always good to have action points.  To be a doer of the Word and not merely a hearer.  I thought about what I needed to die to... and the first thought that came to mind... the first thought that always comes to mind lately... is my singleness and the desire to be married again.  It's not a bad thing.  Actually... later on that day, I was reading about how Paul was saying to the Corinthians, I think... that singles and widows should remain single and it's a good thing... which was pretty encouraging as a reminder to be thankful that I don't have to worry about pleasing God AND a husband... I just need to concern myself with pleasing God.  So yeah.  I definitely put singleness at the top of the list of things I need to submit to God. 

But I also sensed... that I wasn't done yet... that God wasn't done yet.  He wanted to push me to dig deeper than the obvious.  So I searched further.  What else to submit... and then one word came to mind: inadequacy. 

When that word came to mind... a mighty rush of thoughts smacked me in the face.  I dunno if thoughts can smack you in the face if they're in your head but they might have smacked me in my figurative brain face.  I had the realization that I have an intense fear of failure because I fear not being good enough; I fear being proven inadequate. 

I remember the day I got my first C in AP Euro.  I cried at school for the first time and I was pretty much inconsolable during lunchtime.  I think about it now and it was such a small thing but I was getting flashbacks or glimpses of how deep-seated my fear of inadequacy really is.  I had another flashback to the day I decided to put away the MCAT books and not take the test.  It was a conscious choice to avoid going down that road.  I had a lot of other reasons as well but... I think that fearing that I wouldn't be good enough was one big one I never wanted to admit to anyone else.  I had another flashback to the night right before I was about to meet with a cardiologist.  I was SO nervous.  I was pacing the unit...all jittery... waiting for him to arrive... and my friend told me that she'd never seen me so unglued.  Again something so small but my body defied my logic.  And another flashback to a week ago when I knew I wasn't prepared to take my neuro/endocrine/hematology exam.  I was extremely nervous.  Irrationally nervous.  I knew in my head that it was no big deal if I didn't do well on this test... that I could make it up on the next tests... but my body was betraying my mind.  And then a few days ago when my manager told me that she was possibly going to assign me to be team leader in the unit.  I freaked out.  I couldn't sleep.  I was SO scared that I was going to be pushed into this role and that I would be found lacking... that I would let down the patients in the unit... that I would be found out for the fraud that I am...or think I am. 

Now... is it a facade... is it truth... or is it completely false? Am I truly a fraud?  Have I built up facades of strength, of competence, of capability... and am I just worthless underneath? Or is it true that I am a fraud... that I am not a good nurse... a good woman... a good friend... it's just all a beautiful illusion?  Or is it just another lie that Satan would like me to believe... is it true that I am strong, competent, and capable and that I am being fed the lie to tear me down and weigh my heart with sadness... to keep me from soaring in freedom like I should be? 

I think that there isn't a simple straight answer.  I am not 100% of anything at all times.  Sometimes I am putting up a facade.  Sometimes I am a fraud.  Sometimes I have skated by on pure luck or have been saved by the competence and excellence of those around me and not by my own acumen.  I don't even know if I'm using that word right.  It just seemed right in that place.  I might just be a good test taker and not necessarily a master of the material.  I might pass the multiple choice but fail the practicum... which is where it really counts.  Maybe I'm just good in theory. 

And I think that my inadequacy also pervades my struggle in my own singleness as well.  What if I'm just good in theory but in practice... no one wants me.  And that's when the waterfall of tears came.  I had let one or two tears squeak by but I couldn't hold them in any longer the moment that thought came into my head... "who would want you?  no one thinks you're good enough to want to share their life with... to cherish and have at their side... no one wants to be your partner because you are NOT good enough and you never will be". 

These thoughts came to mind right as the worship team started to lead us through Forever Reign... in perfect timing to minister to me in my thoughts. 

You are good You are good
When there’s nothing good in me
You are love You are love
On display for all to see
You are light You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy You are joy
You’re the reason that I sing
You are life You are life
In You death has lost it’s sting

[Chorus]
Oh I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here You are here
In Your presence I’m made whole
You are God You are God
Of all else I’m letting go

[Repeat Chorus]

My heart will sing
No other Name
Jesus
Jesus 

In the very moment when I felt destroyed and beaten to an inch of my life by an onslaught of toxic thoughts of inadequacy... it was time for me sing this chorus and to run into His arms.  Or maybe crawl... crawl quickly.  And when I got there... it was also time for God to cradle me against His chest... for me to rest my head on His shoulders and for me to feel the strength of His hands over my head, on my back and under my legs... fully supporting the whole weight of me so I could just let go.  I didn't need to hang on for dear life... I could just rest.  Rest and cry until I had no more tears to cry. And be washed with the peace that always comes after coming honestly before God. 

Whelp... and then the lights came on and it was the end of one service.  Half an hour later I found myself a couple miles away at another church... going into another service... still pondering my thoughts from the first service. 

There were a few things I remember about the second service... but the thing that stood out most was that "heaven is experiencing the evidence that God is there... being loved by Him".  And I smiled knowing that I had experienced a glimpse of heaven that morning. 

I hadn't recognized the extent of how deep and how broad my fear of inadequacy actually extended.  You really don't figure out what you don't know until you've been tested.  After the testing... and after being able to review the test... you can then start to plan out how you're going to start building up your weaknesses and patching up the holes... hopefully before it starts raining. 

So all in all... a good Sunday. 

Jehovah Rapha... heal my heart. Jehovah Shalom... grant me peace.  Jehovah Jireh... provide for my needs.  You know what's pretty crazy... He's already done it.  Past tense.  All I have to do is believe it.  It is my unbelief that keeps me from experiencing and recognizing it to the full extent of His grace and provision.  You know what's also pretty crazy that I was pondering... I remember pondering it on the 57 North on-ramp at Lambert... that God has so many names because He is Everything.  The only reason we need to have echoes and repetition and different names are because we can only comprehend bits and pieces at a time... but He is everything all at once... to everybody at all times... and He has been and will continue to be... since time began and until forever and ever.  How can we even begin to grasp His vastness and greatness?  I only know a single drop compared to the oceans of His greatness.  So crazy.  And a God like this would humble Himself... carrying with Him the greatest love ever... to meet me... a nobody... in that velveteen chair on a random Sunday... and every time and anywhere I ask Him to... for always and forever.  My heart will sing no other name... Jesus.  The riches of Your love will always be enough.

<3 p="p">Tiff

But practically... I definitely need to (not necessarily in any particular order...):

• Love God, love others.  
• Study more and study harder.  Not just to pass multiple choice tests but to pass practicums.  Must achieve clinical awesomeness.
• Strive for excellence in all areas of my life.  Prove myself a worker approved by God and men. 
• Discipline myself and make good choices... in what I take in, in what I do, in what I take care of... to run the race to win the prize.  I'm going for "Olympic gold" in my life and nothing less. 
• Cut out the excess, tidy and organize what I have been placed in charge of.  I want to be ready for a test at all times and I want to be found as a servant who has multiplied my talents by 100% or more.  
• Remember... who I am, in Whom I place my worth, and Whose opinion matters most.
• Get a smog check (by January 28). 
• Rest. 

 Rest now.  Night all. 

Read more: HILLSONG - FOREVER REIGN LYRICS

Read more: HILLSONG - FOREVER REIGN LYRICS

You are good, You are good When there's nothing good in me You are love, You are love On display for all to see You are light, You are light When the darkness closes in You are hope, You are hope You have covered all my sin
You are peace, You are peace When my fear is crippling You are true, You are true Even in my wandering You are joy, You are joy

Read more: HILLSONG - FOREVER REIGN LYRICS

The cruise... to Boston

I try to write something whenever something significant happens in my life... just to remember.  I don't think I'll be forgetting this anytime soon but I thought I'd still write it down.  I've been pondering it for a few weeks now. 

Last month I took an actual vacation.  I requested about a week and a half off of work, I bought plane tickets, paid for a cruise... this is how it was supposed to go:

• Fly to New York.  Spend a couple days there.
• Get on a cruise ship and sail to Bermuda.  Spend 4 days either at sea or in Bermuda.
• Disembark in New York, spend a day and a half in New York and fly home.

 That is NOT what ended up happening.  I kept thinking about how this vacation seemed to remind me of how life ends up happening... hardly anything goes as planned but you kinda just make the most out of what you've got and just enjoy the ride.

My favorite New York pizza

So what did end up happening was although the first part of my vacation went as planned... things started to get all crazy once Hurricane Sandy decided to visit.  I made it to New York and spent a couple days there... touring my favorite eateries... met up with a couple friends.  Got a chance to meet up with a friend who recently moved back to Jersey.  Very special.  :)  Thankfully, I hit up my favorite places during these first few days.  Even went to Zabar's twice.

My absolute favorite NYC meal... #1 Proscuitto and Mozarella panini, fresh squeezed orange juice, and frozen yogurt at Zabar's

While I was in New York, I get an email from the cruise line letting us know that they cancelled our stop at the Bermuda port.  Boo.  Since Hurricane Sandy was coming north towards New York, we kinda figured that we would travel away from the hurricane and end up cruising north... to Canada.  This was problematic since I had already packed for 80 degree Bermuda.  Thankfully my cousin was able to lend me a couple items with sleeves.  All I packed were tank tops, a cardigan and one jacket for 60 degree New York.  So... small change in plans... but the cruise was still a go. 

We get to the dock on Saturday and check in... it's then that they break the news that our cruise destination would be Boston.  Hm.  Not quite what we were expecting but whatevers.  The point was to hang out with my cousins on the cruise and that's exactly what we would do regardless.  And I have a friend in Boston too.  Maybe we could schedule a last minute hangout. 

We were at sea on Sunday.  I am very prone to motion sickness and let me tell you... it was pretty darn tipsy on the ship that day.  We did manage to take a yoga class.  I don't remember too much about that day other than we kept running into walls.  Yay for ginger chews.  I didn't throw up at all.  :) 

Monday we were docked in Boston Harbor but they cancelled all our "excursions" due to the stormy weather.  We spent another day on the boat.  Tuesday, we were still docked in Boston and we were allowed to get off the boat.  We were then finding out that New York and New Jersey were flooded and they were cancelling flights flying out of JFK.  They also told us that they would be extending our cruise from Wednesday to Friday, and that they didn't know where we would be ending the cruise since the Brooklyn harbor was also flooded and closed.  Hmph.  They would give us announcements every few hours with updates but mostly the updates were that they were sorry to have to interrupt our original plans due to "deteriorating weather".  They wouldn't tell us anything beyond what was possibly going on the next day.  By Wednesday, we all decided that we would just change out flights and fly out of Boston on Saturday night.  Flights were still being cancelled out of JFK and we didn't want to risk getting stuck in New York.  Thankfully, our airlines allowed us to change our flights without charging us extra.  Thursday, we woke up and found out we were out to sea again.  By then they told us that we'd be disembarking in New York on Friday morning.  We also found out that lower Manhattan was flooded, the subway system wasn't working, there was no power, and there was a gas shortage.  They were in a state of disaster.  Our next plan was to rent a car, get out of the disaster zone, drive to Boston, spend a night in Boston and then fly out of Logan airport.  Which is what we did.

Got a chance to re-live a favorite memory with my nursing school partner while in Boston

All in all, it was an interesting experience.  Come to think of it, the last time I was in New York in October, Air Force One grounded my departing flight, I spent 6 hours sitting in an airplane which had non-functioning bathrooms, some sort of engine malfunction, and then it started raining by the time they got everything sorted out and they cancelled my flight home.  I had to spend another night in New York and fly home the next day.  This experience was much better than the last one.  Even though there was disaster and mayhem going on all around us, I felt like all of us on that cruise ship were protected from it all.  There was some rocking on the boat that first day we were at sea, but we never lost power, we never ran out of food, and we were never bored.  There was still plenty of activities planned on the boat and all of the staff were still courteous and polite to us despite having to serve us all for a few extra days.  And I got to watch a lot of movies on the boat.  And I got to spend a few extra days hanging out with my cousins.  It really reemphasized to me how it really didn't matter what was happening around us... we enjoyed the extra time we had to spend with one another and just took things day by day. 

Not everyone on the boat felt the same way we did though.  A lot of people were extremely upset and took out their anger on the staff... were complaining to one another, were demanding this and that from airlines, from travel agents, from whoever they were trying to get a hold of to correct their situation in their eyes... and a lot of times, they were just downright nasty.  I had an exam the following Monday and one particular day, I was studying in the library/internet cafe and every single person in that room was complaining to someone about something.... and there I was with my ipad and notebook, scribbling away, trying to re-learn immunology and acid/base balance. 

Plenty of time to think on the boat.  Even though I didn't throw up, I still got semi-motion sick.  Sometimes it just felt better to lay down in bed than try to walk on a rocking ship.  I kept thinking about how much this vacation reminded me about how sometimes my life just doesn't go as planned.  When I was younger, I thought I had my whole life planned out.  I thought I'd graduate at 22, get married by 25 and have all 2-3 of my kids by the time I was 30.  I really didn't think about what I'd do as a job... I thought that being married and starting a family was more important... that I'd give up my career if it came down to it... and then just stay at home and do crafts or cook or bake all day long. 

I met the man I was going to marry at the age of 21.  I could have been on schedule to have the life I wanted... but... that's not what ended up happening.  I didn't get what I asked for... I got something entirely different.  A long distance relationship, my boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer at age 25, I was married and widowed by 27, and instead of children, I have 3 degrees and going on a 4th at age 30.  What an odd turn of events. 

I should have written this down a few weeks ago because now that I'm trying to write it, I've forgotten a lot of what I wanted to write.  At church, we're going through a series called "Beauty for Ashes".  I think I missed a couple of sermons while I was in New York/Boston, but the first one I remember of the series... actually I can't even remember what the speaker actually talked about but I do remember what I was thinking about during the sermon.  First of all, the title, Beauty for Ashes... reminded me of Anderson... (1) that he was cremated... and (2) that I originally named my blog, "Anderson's Ashes" which was also to remind me of the phoenix which is reborn from its own ashes.  The part of me that was one with Anderson... died and burned to ash when he did... and the me that survived my other half... is the new phoenix, living a whole new life... transformed and renewed.  Anyway... oh yeah... I remember... the speaker was talking about breakups and probably the good that comes from it?  I can't remember.  All I remember is pondering with God... and asking myself... what I would say if God asked me what I wanted if I could have anything in the world. 

I know it probably would have been better to say "world peace" or something noble like that.  I decided that if He asked and since it's just between me and God... that I'd just get ridiculous and ask for what I really wanted... which is to marry Captain America.  I half laughed at myself for thinking this... but I also asked myself what was it about Captain America that I really liked... other than his hotness.  And I thought about it some more... and decided that it was his heart.  He had a good heart.  A sacrificial heart.  A noble one.  He was just a wimpy little guy at first who wanted to serve his country... and somehow chance would have it that he would get chosen for a special mission which gave him a body which would finally enable him to do what he wanted.  And then I started crying.  Because I realized that God already gave me what I wished for... I did marry my Captain America but he'd probably be my Captain Brazil or something instead.  When I met him, he was just a little guy with a good heart... and God chose him and prepared him for a very special mission... one that only he could have undertaken... and I got to be a part of that... a part of us... and that was special.  I hadn't cried about Anderson in such a long time that I thought that maybe I was done crying about him, but that particular day, I realized that maybe I'll never be done crying about it.  It's not so much that I'm stuck in the past but the fact that remembering him moves me and amazes me.  And I'm thankful that I got a chance to be a part of Anderson's special mission... and I've learned so much and changed so much in the process that I cannot deny the beauty that came from his ashes.  That unexpected, undesired time in my life served a great and mighty purpose.  So amazing. 

I wrote last month that I was going through some kind of depressive funk.  I think I'm still going through it a little bit but I hope that I'm pulling out of it.  I'm having more moments where I laugh with my whole heart than moments where I'm depressed and downtrodden.  There are still some things in life that I'm trudging through but in general, I think things are getting better.  I wouldn't have asked God for this kind of detour... but even if I paid for a cruise to Bermuda and ended up having to detour to Boston... I think it all happens for a reason.  Boston, at that time, was safer than Bermuda.  We needed to and we were permitted to dock in Boston and wait for a bit... wait for things to calm down, for waters to recede... and for permission to return to New York.  So maybe I just need to do what I did in Boston... just continue to enjoy the activities around me... eat, drink, be merry... do my studying... and wait til it's time to pull out of the funk and get back to being the me that I want to be.  Just make the most out of what I've got, when I've got it... and what I've got isn't bad... it's not bad at all. 

Oh yeah and I forgot to mention that when I got back from New York, I ended up getting some kind of stomach flu or something... I was vomitting, fatigued, feverish... sweaty and hot and then cold... it gave me even more time to spend resting in bed.  I'm pretty sure I'm better now but because of all that happened in Boston/New York and then my stomach flu, I ended up taking 3 weeks off from work.  Twice as long as I had originally planned but all in all... not too bad.  I went back to work a few days ago and I had my first nursing student in maybe a year.  It was fun.  I love nursing students.  They're so fun and funny and so excited to see things and do things.  I love being reminded about how awesome it is to be a nurse and to get a chance to do the things that I do on a regular basis now.  I feel like I haven't been a nurse that long but when I look at them, I remember that I was where they were just a few years ago and how far I've come since then.  They see nursing with awe and wonder... and delight.  It reminded me to do and to be the same way.  What a privilege it is to be a nurse and to have a job.  Many, many things to be thankful for.

Alritey... I think this was more a post for me to remember the past few weeks than anything else. 

Until next time...

<3 p="p">Tiff