The Marthy

The past few weeks since the Ides of March have been... phenomenal.  I was lying in bed recounting how many extraordinary things have happened these past few weeks... I don't even have a word that can describe how wonderful... how amazing... astounding... stupendous... wondrous... magnificent... it's so much more than that.  None of those words seem good enough.  It's joy... it's peace... it's... fulfillment... contentment... so much so that it's overflowing.  

Fall Afresh 

Awaken my soul, come awake

To hunger, to seek, to thirst 

Awaken first love, come awake 

And do as you did, at first 

Spirit of the living God come fall afresh on me 

Come wake me from my sleep 

Blow through the caverns of my soul, pour in me to overflow 

To overflow - Jeremy Riddle

Maybe this past Lent was about breaking me.  Ripping me apart and gutting me so that God could reawaken my first love... to blow through the caverns of my soul and pour in me to overflow.  

There are so many things I could write about but I think I'll write about this year's Seder.  Last year, I went to a Seder at a different church... and it left a deep impression on my heart.  Last October, I was talking to my life group leader and I had one tiny thought... "wouldn't it be fun to do a Seder with our life group?"... and so from one tiny idea... it began.  

I went on the Jews for Jesus website, requested a missionary... I reserved a room at the church office... and... then I was kind of at a loss as to what to do next.  I remember being so new at this group... knowing people but not really knowing them well enough to feel comfortable asking them to help me.  I remember feeling a little bit fearful.  Like... "what in the world did I get myself into?"  

This happens to me a lot.  Oftentimes, I agree to do things without first counting the cost or thinking it through.  Kinda reminds me of this situation I also found myself in... last week... where my friend and I decided to go kayaking... and so we chose a date, we got ourselves there... and before we left the car, I had a thought that maybe we should put our phones in a ziploc bag... and the only bag I had was the baggie I put my protein powder in.  GOOD THING I had that bag.  When we got there, the guy handed us the straps to the kayak and said, "don't worry about the time, just have fun."  It took us quite a while to actually get the kayak to the beach.  When we finally dragged it to the water's edge both of us looked at the kayak... and then at each other and we both realized that it never occurred to either of us that we would actually have to get wet in order to kayak in the ocean.  Yes.  I know.  It sounds kinda dumb but... somehow I think that's what makes us best friends.  We think alike... for better or worse.  So it took us quite a while and maybe a little bit of screaming/squealing... but we did finally start kayaking.  The waves were smallish.  Once we got behind where the waves form (not sure the term...) it was nice.  It was a beautiful day.  We kayaked for maybe 15-20 minutes... we saw some kind of ocean animal... and then we looked to the left of us at the beach and said, "oh look, there are surfers coming!" and then we looked to the right of us at the ocean and there were GINORMOUS waves forming to our right.  And it was then that both of us felt it was somewhat good/bad timing to share that we both had traumatic experiences almost drowning in the ocean when we were young.  I swear we live separate but parallel lives.  Anyway... so there was much more screaming and freaking out... no capsizing but we ended up beached on the shore... soaking wet and frozen... hearts racing from having our lives "flash" before our eyes.  I know it sounds really dumb now that I'm writing it down but we were traumatized!  And we were also done with ocean kayaking.  It took us a very long time to feel better.  I ate half a bag of shrimp chips on the beach.  We swung on swings until the recess lady kicked us off them.  We splurged on fancy pizza.  And we bought expensive socks at REI.  

"OMG THANK GOD WE'RE ALIVE!" and "OMG WE ALMOST DIED!"
A good pairing.  Good job, God.

Anyway... so at some point I was kind of wondering what I was going to do now that I had secured a date for Seder and a location.  Most of me was happy that it was coming together.  The mastermind inside of me knew what had to be done and it was a lot of work.   But I figured... I'd ask the one person who already agreed to help to ask my life group members if they'd help... and I'd just take care of the spiritual preparation, and lay the structure/foundation for the teams, the night... figure out the details... I'd do as much as possible so that whoever agreed to help would only have to do the bare minimum.  Part of me didn't want to inconvenience these people I barely knew and part of me... didn't trust these people I barely knew.  I was pretty sure that everything would work out regardless... but in order to do my part and put forth my best effort before God, I had to do everything I could to pave a smooth path.  That is just my way.  If the car breaks down while driving on the road... that's another story but at least I tried to make the journey as smooth as possible.  

I thought about how I wanted the night to go.  I thought about all the ways I could split the work into teams to delegate the work.  I thought about what each team would need to do and at what time they needed to do them.  I thought about the prep.  I thought about the cleanup.  I thought a lot.  And I made a grid.  I made multiple grids because there were too many layers to fit on one grid.  I felt like some kind of Seder planning mastermind.  And it reminded me of my INTJ past.  I think I've lived most of my life as a Myers Briggs INTJ Rational Mastermind Scientist or whatever other classification they call it.  Here's an excerpt which kinda described what was going on in my head at this point:

All Rationals are good at planning operations, but Masterminds are head and shoulders above all the rest in contingency planning. Complex operations involve many steps or stages, one following another in a necessary progression, and Masterminds are naturally able to grasp how each one leads to the next, and to prepare alternatives for difficulties that are likely to arise any step of the way. Trying to anticipate every contingency, Masterminds never set off on their current project without a Plan A firmly in mind, but they are always prepared to switch to Plan B or C or D if need be.

It might have been overkill actually but this is what I knew how to do and how I knew to do it.  It was very Martha-like.  The planning team actually came together pretty smoothly much to my surprise.  People seemed so willing to help.  I was pretty amazed.  But I still felt like I should do as much as I could so that they wouldn't have to do too much work on this.  It was after all, my idea and something I wanted to share with them.  They should enjoy it and not stress out about it.  I'll take the stress for them.  

Luke 10:38-42
English Standard Version (ESV)
Martha and Mary³⁸ Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. ³⁹ And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” ⁴¹ But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, ⁴² but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Needless to say, I did get to a point where I started to feel VERY anxious and troubled about the many things that needed to happen.  It got so bad that I think God had to arrange an intervention for me.  He pierced my heart and I had to write it out and ask for prayer from my inner circle.  

March 6, 2013.  While I was driving... I heard a snippet of something on the radio which didn't hit me at the moment but it hit me later on at night when I was about to go to bed.  "workaholics sin because of their impatience... they see everything that needs to be done and instead of being patient, they take matters into their own hands and do it themselves." and the speaker used Saul and his offering the sacrifice on his own because Samuel got there a little bit late.  Last night I was doing a lot of prep-work for each of the different teams... I was sending pictures and collecting documents and making shopping lists... and I wondered... why am I doing all of this?  And then I remembered this message and I was convicted! 

I thought about why I care so much to do "everything" even though other people are technically delegated to do the work...

1. I don't know these people very well.  I don't know how they work.  I felt bad ASKING for help and so I wanted to set everything up so they had to do the absolute minimum possible to keep them from being inconvenienced as much as possible.
2. I don't know these people very well.  I don't know how they work.  I don't TRUST them to do things on their own.  I'm being a control freak.
3. I'm being an impatient workaholic.  People aren't doing things on MY time and therefore I need to do things for them.

It's these three factors that have been choking out my original vision to care for them spiritually throughout the process.  I don't want them to never want to work with Tiff again because she's a psycho nightmare... I don't want them to be so stressed out after working with me that they avoid me in the future hoping I'll never ask them to do stuff ever again... I don't want them to be so stressed out on the day of that they can't spiritually BE there and meet God during the Seder... that would be the worst thing ever... that I inappropriately hardened the soil of their hearts so that God would be unable to penetrate them and bless them through the event.  I also don't want them to get lazy and then stifle their uniqueness and their creativity in the process.  I also don't want to be so laissez faire that I fail to work to the level of excellence I set for myself.  I am 100% certain that God will cause all things to work together perfectly and it will all fall into place... regardless of my effort... but I also want God to be pleased with the effort I put in and the preparations as well.  If I was lazy and let things go, then I don't feel that God is pleased with MY work ethic.  But I also don't want other people to feel that I hold them to my standard either. 

ANYWAY... to summarize an already long story... I feel the need to apologize and ask for forgiveness for my poor leadership behavior until now and I want to shift my focus from more logistic planning to spiritual caring for my team.   

I'm not quite sure how that's going to happen or how that's going to work... but I want them to have the freedom to do things the way THEY want to and I want to serve THEM instead of making them serve ME and fit into MY structure and MY planning style. 

Thankfully I still have a few weeks until the event so I can fix this and hopefully turn the whole situation around.  My failure to spiritually guide them in this process... I think is the worst failure of all.  

I apologized to the team.  I don't even know what they were thinking or if they even understood what I was apologizing for... but between me and God, I knew I had to apologize.  And they were so gracious.  Astounding.  

From then on, I decided to let go of the logistics (a little bit) and focus more energy on getting to know the team members, care for them, and support them... Mary-type things.  I am also not sure how my weekly devotional emails were received but between me and God... I think He saw my heart and was pleased.  It was 75% spiritually focused and 25% logistics from then on out.  At least that was my intent.  

The week after my "gutting", I spent a week with my cousin in Burbank to learn about pediatric primary care... but it turned out to be just the "vacation" I needed from my life and my dusty house undergoing construction.  We had the most amazing week.  Every day was spent fellowshipping... eating our favorite things... making memories that will last a lifetime.  The week I spent away from my normal life... there grew a longing in my heart to be with my life group.  It was only a few days but I was really surprised at how much I missed them.  It wasn't even one person or a couple people... I missed them as a collective.  I longed to see them... like Paul longed to see the churches he left behind as he journeyed throughout Asia.  

Passion week... I know it is supposed to be spent solemnly remembering Jesus's journey to the cross... but I had a hard time being solemn when every single day starting from the Saturday I was inundated by wave after wave of amazing fellowship and affirmation that I was meant to be right where I was.  

• Saturday, I spent with an amazing group of single women who affirmed and encouraged me... we shared, we prayed, we laughed, we cried... there is no possible way that anyone could have forced that kind of intimacy... the Spirit was moving in that place.  
• Sunday, I got to see everyone at church and I was happy.  And then there was the softball game that night with church people.  I got to the field kind of early... I was kind of shaking because I was so scared and nervous... and maybe I was cold too... but once the team got there... all fears were dissipated.  My heart was put to rest and we laughed and enjoyed ourselves.  I was SO thankful to be a part of this church family and a part of this softball team.  
• Monday, after a long class, and tiring out my brain with pharmacology... I decided last minute to crash the Seder worship team practice and just care and pray for them.  Again, I didn't know what this was going to look like or how it was going to go.  No plans.  Just a hopeful heart with an intention to love on these people.  It turned out to be like a mostly male version of Saturday's sharing/praying.  As each member of the team shared, I was blown away by their honesty, by their encouragement of one another... and by their prayers for each other.  The Spirit was moving there as well.  
• Tuesday... well Tuesday was the Kayak day... life flashing before my eyes... but such a beautiful time spent affirming my friendship with Jess and catching up.  Every day I thank God for providing me a friend like Jess.  I have longed my whole life for a friend like her.  And then at night, I got to have dinner with a few sisters who encouraged me greatly through Vietnamese food exploration and light-hearted conversation.  We were connected to one another through really random experiences and it was amazing just being able to meet up with these women.  It took us months to find a date that worked for all of us.  
• Wednesday, I had my first day back at work as a RN.  I took a 3 month leave of absence to do my health assessment clinical hours.  It was hard to get my mind wrapped around the routines again but all in all, it was a good day at work... and then I got to have dinner with my life group/Seder planning team after work.  I realized that I really delight in these people.  
• Thursday, I got a chance to hang out with another couple of Seder planning people... and we ate buffalo wings to get some little bones to put on the table for the Seder.  LOL.  Such a good time... good laughs in the parking lot.  I was so overflowingly happy and grateful at what an awesome group of people I have the honor of working with that I decided to write them and tell them.  So I wrote 14 cards that day.  I amazingly had a lot to write to almost everybody.  These people I barely knew a few months ago had etched themselves deep into my heart.  Astounding.  
• Friday, I had lunch with an old classmate and then went to Good Friday service and saw my life group and other church family again.  During the service, I felt the weight of Christ's sacrifice... and I felt my heart opened... arms outstretched... feeling unworthy but thankful to be chosen.  So thankful for my church family.  I was so thankful for them... that I also made another last minute decision to make cake pops for Seder.  I didn't want to do it previously because I felt it would take too much time and that the event would be OK without it... but then I thought again and decided that these people that I love... they were worth it.  And I listened to pharmacology lectures at the same time.  I guess I tend to work faster when I'm listening to lectures than when I'm watching Harry Potter while making cake pops.  Go figure.  ONE person who squealed at the sight of cake pops made it worth it.  :)

Saturday was the Seder.  I think I opened my eyes that morning around 6:30 or 7am and immediately my mind was running... trying to remember what I had to bring... I had to just get up and get ready.  I packed my wheel-y bins... and I went to the church office.  And then the preparations started.  I didn't have to hound anybody.  Everyone got there on time.  Everyone did their part.  As I stopped periodically to check on everyone's progress... I was so amazed to see everything fall into place so easily... so naturally.  All the tables were decorated so beautifully.  It turned out so far beyond what I had imagined... I felt so humbled at how low I set the bar and how high God took it.  It made me so happy and so thankful.  God totally blessed this process.  I felt so, so loved by God.  I hope that Martha could have experienced a day like I experienced at the Seder.  To have done her part to prepare but to just stand back and watch the Lord work and marvel at all these great and wonderful things that happen when we let go of control and let Him do His thing.  I was having a Martha-Mary moment... a Marthy moment.  And I loved it.  I can be both someone who plans but also sits at His feet and receives the precious things that can never be taken away from me.  The treasures that fill my heart's chest... and make me feel all bubbly and glowing inside.  

I have consistently tested as an ENFJ the past couple years.  I think am becoming the person I was meant to be... I have never gained as much satisfaction, joy or peace from masterminding events or being a scientist or organizing things.  All of my most meaningful life experiences have come from my interactions with people lately.  

ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this.

This is a really really long post.  I haven't even told you everything that happened... barely even scratched the surface with the stuff at Seder... but I also wanted to get to Sunday.

I woke up on Easter Sunday... so happy.  As I was getting ready for church, I realized how much I looked forward to being there.  In all my decades of going to Easter services, I have never felt this happy or this motivated to be with and near my church family on this day.   I didn't dread any part of the service or the day... like I might have had I gone to another church.  Last Easter, I had to brave huge traffic/parking issues... and I walked into a ginormous combined service... where I had to walk down 4 aisles, having to be rejected multiple times because the "seat was taken"... before I found one empty seat for me to worship... alone... next to people I didn't know and who didn't care to know me.  

This year... I feel so loved.  There is so much love all around me that I can barely contain it.  It covers me.... it's furious... and it's pouring out of me like a waterfall.  

From the message... I wrote down a few things that stood out to me... God meets my desire to be seen and known... He accepts me just as I am... Marthy and all... and this life He's given me is overflowingly abundant... fulfilled.  I feel so alive.  And it is all because of Jesus.  

Furious  

Nothing can tear us from 

The grip of His mighty love 

We’ve only glimpsed, His vast affection 

Heard whispers of, His heart and passion 

It’s pouring out…  

His love is deep, 

His love is wide 

And it covers us 

His love is fierce, His love is strong 

It is furious 

His love is sweet, His love is wild 

And it's waking hearts to life  

The Father loves and sends His son 

The Son lays down His life for all 

He lavishes His love upon us 

He calls us now, His sons and daughters 

He’s reaching out…  

… and its waking hearts to life. -Jeremy Riddle

His love has definitely awakened my heart to life.  Abundant life in Him.  What a great Lent... and I'm looking forward to an amazing year.  :)  

Congrats if you made it this far.  This was a long one.  

too much love,
Tiff

gutted

Did I already mention that I'm having a pretty rough lenten season?  I had another rough week... but it was also incredible and miraculously awesome as well.  I feel so, so blessed.  

I had another meltdown the other day.  It was pretty bad.  But it was also pretty awesome.  I shall tell you the story.  Sit tight.  It might take a while.

For the past week or so, I've been waking up progressively earlier and earlier in the mornings and being unable to fall back asleep.  I almost never have this problem.  I usually have the opposite problem... I can't wake up in time... or I have a hard time falling asleep at night (not mornings).  When it was 6am... it was OK.  When it became 4am... it got really tiring.  And lately it's been that I can't stay asleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time.  I am physically and mentally exhausted.  When I lay there in the mornings and I'm tired and I can't fall back asleep... it makes me feel like crying.  It's a deep longing and frustration for something so simple which had rarely eluded me in the past... but felt so, so out of reach... unattainable.  

Sleeping pills?  Yes.  I've been trying them.  I'm normally really, really sensitive to Ambien.  I take a bite out of a 5mg pill... it's about 1/4 or 1/3 of the pill... so it's somewhere between 1-2mg probably... and it usually knocks me out for a good 4 hours.  I usually only take it the night before I have to work and I need to force myself to sleep early so I can get up at 5am.  This past week, they haven't been working.  

Tuesday night, I had a pretty decent day.  I think I probably woke up at 4am... was pretty productive... I got home around 1130pm maybe... and I was SO exhausted... I felt like driving to the beach and falling asleep there... but I was too lazy and I figured it'd be too cold so I thought to myself that maybe I'll go tomorrow.  And I also hoped that I could sleep through the night without a sleeping pill.  So I went to sleep.  Fell asleep pretty quickly around midnight.  Woke up at 2:30am...and again at 4am... starving, nauseous, dizzy... and so incredibly frustrated that I took 10mg of Ambien hoping I'd knock out for at least 8 hours... but no such luck.  I was woken up at 730am because plumbers had come to our house to fix a leak... found out they had to replace our entire hot water system... and I needed to evacuate my room because a LOT of pipes run through the back of my closet.  

I'm so tired, so nauseous, so hungry... so mentally, emotionally and physically stressed that I'm MISERABLE... I'm almost crying... but I drag myself out of bed and go to the room next door with the hopes that I'll be able to go back to sleep.  I climb into bed... and... I can't sleep.  THANK YOU to all my friends who bear with my early morning texting and who try so hard to be there for me when I need you... but eventually... I couldn't handle it anymore... I just had to break down and cry.  I didn't just cry little tiny tears... I was hyperventilating and almost convulsing... it was really really bad.  I was having a mental breakdown.  

I was crying and getting my pillowcase all snotty and gross... and I turned around to a fresh spot and asked myself... if I could be anywhere else... where would I want to be... and I decided that I wanted to be like Elijah and go to a mountain top and lay facedown before God and pray... pray for rain... in the middle of a drought.

And Elijah went up to the top of Mount Carmel. And he bowed himself down on the earth and put his face between his knees. ⁴³ And he said to his servant, “Go up now, look toward the sea.” And he went up and looked and said, “There is nothing.” And he said, “Go again,” seven times. ⁴⁴ And at the seventh time he said, “Behold, a little cloud like a man's hand is rising from the sea.” 1 Kings 18.  

I get up and go to my room... and my mouth drops open... as I discover that the entire contents of my very large closet are piled in a 5-foot tall stack on my bed (oh my poor dry cleaning...) and whatever empty space was in the center of my room... was occupied by huge stacks of shoeboxes, piles of more clothing... my room was in utter chaos.  Not to mention, a plumber was in there... sawing holes in my closet... running copper pipes through there and soldering them together.  The scent of burning metal stung my nostrils.  I felt my heart and soul being gutted... and my "home" quite literally gutted as my closet (the heart and soul of my belongings) was being worked on during this renovation.  

At this point... with all the smells, the banging and clanging... strangers with big dusty shoes stomping all over my house... I needed to get out.  Escaping to the mountain top seemed more and more a necessity and not a luxury.  Mind you, I'm having a mental breakdown... and I'm also kind of lazy... so I didn't exactly want to drive to a mountain and lay facedown... how dirty... and far... and it might not be safe for me to drive in my mental state... so I decided that I'd just grab my yoga mat, a box of tissues, and a bunch of books and stuff... go to the park down the street... find a little tiny hill... and lay facedown before God there.  In the shade.  So I did.  

I ate something real quick... I grabbed all my stuff, threw it into a bag, and started walking to the park.  I get there... I lay out my yoga mat on the grass... and I put myself in child's pose... and I laid there.  I was SO distraught... I had no words.  TIFF HAD NO WORDS.  I did have a song though.  Sovereign was playing over and over in my head... so I took out my pink headphones, stuck it in my pink iphone, and played Sovereign on single song repeat for... what felt like an hour.  Maybe it was shorter.  I'm not sure.  It felt like a long time.  And I proceeded to cry again.  I cried the hard cry of a desperate soul... seeking God... and I was semi-convulsing in the park. Hopefully alone but at that point I didn't care who saw my crazy.  I was having a really, really so-honest-its-ugly... vulnerable moment before my God.  At Starshine Park.  

Sovereign, Chris Tomlin 

Sovereign in the mountain airSovereign on the ocean floorWith me in the calmWith me in the storm 

Sovereign in my greatest joySovereign in my deepest cryWith me in the darkWith me at the dawn 

In your everlasting armsAll the pieces of my lifeFrom beginning to the endI can trust you 

In your never failing loveYou work everything for goodGod whatever comes my wayI will trust you 

All my hopesAll I needHeld in your hands 

All my lifeAll of meHeld in your hands 

All my fearsAll my dreamsHeld in your hands 

In your everlasting armsAll the pieces of my lifeFrom beginning to the endI can trust you 

In your never failing loveYou work everything for goodGod whatever comes my wayI will trust you

After a really long time of being facedown and listening to the same song on repeat... I decided it was time to turn around and be face-up before God.  So I turned around and laid there again.  Hands on my stomach... feeling my aorta pulsate...being still... and watching the leaves shiver in the slight breeze of a perfect March afternoon.  After what felt like another hour... I decided I was ready to read.  

Today, only questions surround your great sorrow, but then you will see how the threatening enemy was actually swept away during your stormy night of fear and grief. 

Today you see only your loss, but then you will see how God used it to break the evil chains that had begun to restrain you. 

Today you cower at the howling wind and the roaring thunder, but then you will see how they beat back the waves of destruction and opened your way to the peaceful Land of
Promise. -Mark Guy Pearse

I felt really blessed and ministered to in that moment.  So thankful for Chris Tomlin... for L.B. Cowman... for my friends who love me despite my craziness and drama...  so I decided to share with a few people and ask for prayer. Yay for smartphones and being able to email while face-up on a yoga mat at the park! And extra yay that some people responded right away with encouragement and prayer.  SO miraculous.  Such a blessing!

And maybe it was a little bit backwards but I decided I wasn't done reading... I also needed to get in the Word... so I proceeded to read the assigned Bible reading for that day... Mark 10.  

At the end of Mark 10, Jesus asked the blind man, "what can I do for you?" and as I read that... I felt Him asking me as well... "Tiff... my child... what can I do for you?"  

So like a spoiled brat on the knee of Santa... I decided to journal and write down a list of stuff I wanted.  Big things and small things... I came up with a list of about 12 items that I'd ask God for if He asked me right then and there... what can I do for you...  and after I was done with my list... I decided that I was being excessive.  I know Jesus has infinite time for me but if He stopped me on the side of the road and asked me, "what can I do for you?"... I'd probably want to simply present Him with the single most important request and have Him smile and say, "go your way, your faith has made you well."  Just one, Tiff.  Just pick one... for now.

I scanned the list... all those things are important to me in some way, shape or form.  None of them are inherently bad... some are kind of vain... like losing 10 pounds or being able to do a pull-up on my own from a dead-hang... but my eyes fixed on the single most important item... I want to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.  And I felt Him wash me through and through with the peace that only He can bring... the kind that surpasses understanding... and I heard Him say to me, "go your way, your faith has made you well."

I had been fighting hunger and the urge to pee at that point so when God said I was good to go... I decided to go home... to eat and pee.  Not necessarily simultaneously... but yeah.  I walked home and I allowed myself to take in all the beauty of spring... the purple flowers in bloom... tiny white daisy-looking flowers scattered on the grassy expanse... the dried dog poop on the sidewalk (ew)...  but I felt better.  I felt sustained.  Still physically tired but sustained... only just barely though.  

I can't really remember what I did after I got home and ate something.  I might have chatted with my friends again... guessed people's personality types... I've been kind of interested in pondering people's personality types and what motivates them... what drives them... what makes them feel happy... so that was fun.  And then it was time to drive to small groups... I was going to go half an hour early to pray with my small group leader.  It should take me less than 15 minutes and there was no traffic but as I was driving there, I felt myself falling asleep at the wheel.  I was able to make it there but I decided that I would just pray with her and go home if I felt too sleepy.  So I arrived... safely... and we prayed.  It was a really nice time.  I felt so, so blessed.  I somehow didn't feel as tired.

When we were done praying, we came out and more people had arrived.  Something about seeing other people and their smiling faces... I got bursts and bursts of energy and smiles and I forgot about being tired.  I laughed.  I ate.  I laughed again.  I got and gave hugs.  I really, really love this group of beautiful people.  I made it through the night and then I decided to go to the gym and shower... because the plumbers had shut off our hot water and it would remain shut off for a couple of days.  I stood there in the shower at the gym and reflected on the day.  Such an awesome, awesome day.  I also felt really blessed to be able to shower at the gym.  I know it's still wasting water but I don't feel as bad standing under hot running water at the gym as I would if I did it at home.  I hope they recycle that water somehow.  

That night, I still woke up at 2am and again at 7am... but I woke up and didn't feel nauseous or miserable... I woke up feeling happy that I woke up one less time than the previous night.  I felt better and lighter as well.  I'm hoping that tonight will be even better.  Maybe I'll even sleep through the night.  One can only hope.  

I've had two really special and amazing days since being gutted on Wednesday.  I am surrounded by the BEST FRIENDS EVER.  I don't even know how I'm surrounded by so many amazingly wonderful people.  God is very, very good.  

So sometimes I have extra time and I'll choose to go spend time with others... or sometimes I'll choose to save that time for myself.  I got a chance to do both today.  There was no traffic so I arrived at the meeting place 20 minutes early... and decided to run an errand and buy some bananas.  And I found the most amazing bananas with the funniest stickers on them.  They made me happy and I wanted to share that feeling with my lovely friends.  So I did.  Thank God again for smartphones.

I also had a little bit of time after lunch... so I went to visit my friend at work.  It's always so encouraging to see everyone at work... and how much they want me to come back.  So, so sweet.  And then after that, I had a little time before meeting up with my next friend so I decided to sit and spend that time alone at a cafe.  So I did.  I figured I could study... or I could spend time with God.  I should always spend time with God first.  So I did.  :)  It was a REALLY good time.  I read through Isaiah 58:1-14... about fasting.  

So I've been fasting for Lent. I've been fasting for a purpose.  It was a simple one... to know God in a new and different way.  And I think He is totally delivering.  

From Isaiah 58... God doesn't want the kind of fasting that makes people fight or makes them irritable... this is the kind of fasting He wants... which didn't really sound like fasting to me... it sounded like service and obedience... 

• free the wrongly imprisoned
• lighten the burdens of those who work for you
• let the oppressed go free
• remove the chains that bind people
• share food with the hungry
• give shelter to the homeless
• give clothes to those who need them
• do not hide from relatives who need your help

And He promises these if we fast in this way:

• that my salvation will come like the dawn
• my wounds will quickly heal
• godliness will lead me forward
• the glory of God will protect me from behind
• when I call, He will answer "Yes, I am here"
• He will reply quickly
• He will remove the heavy yoke of oppression
• My light will shine out from the darkness and the darkness around me will be bright as noon
• the Lord will guide me continually
• give me water when I'm dry
• restore my strength
• that I will be like a well-watered garden... like an ever-flowing spring
• I will rebuild the deserted ruins of my cities
• I will be known as a rebuilder of walls and a restorer of homes
• The Lord will be my delight
• He will give me great honor
• He will satisfy me with the inheritance He promised to my ancestor Jacob

And He ended the whole thing with, "I, the LORD, have spoken!"

If God said it, it's as good as done.  

I had such a wonderful time with my friend.  And an even more wonderful time on the drive home... getting good news... being excited and screaming in the car from excitement for my friend and her good news.  All in all... a very, very good day.  

I came home and read this and I thought that it was super encouraging again.  

Christ is building His kingdom with the broken things of earth. People desire only the strong, successful, victorious, and unbroken things in life to build their kingdoms, but God is the God of the unsuccessful—the God of those who have failed. Heaven is being filled with earth’s broken lives, and there is no “bruised reed” (Isa. 42:3) that Christ cannot take and restore to a glorious place of blessing and beauty. He can take a life crushed by pain or sorrow and make it a harp whose music will be total praise. He can lift earth’s saddest failure up to heaven’s glory. -J. R. Miller

In my brokenness... and in my failure to cope with my external stressors... God took that situation... He took my bruised reed and restored it to a place of blessing, beauty, and great joy.

A very good week, my friends.  Most excellent.
much much love,
Tiff

crazy mixed up bag of nuts

This has been a pretty rough but also pretty amazing lenten season for me.  This post is going to be long and ranty.  I need to flesh out some thoughts and I have no idea what I'm going to write so I'm just going to start and see what comes out.  

The past two days I've woken up on my own between 540-6am.  This is highly unusual.  I normally need at least 8 hours and I did NOT get my 8 before waking up.  I was puzzled as to why I was awoken... but then I figured that God really wanted to hang out with me so I tried as hard as I could to hang out with Him too.  I've been searching for the reason God wanted me to Himself and I'm still not sure... but I had an inkling and that meant that I had to write it out in order to see if I could figure it out.  

One of my New Year's resolutions was to start journaling again.  I've been doing pretty well.  Still sticking to it.  One benefit of it is that I can very easily go back and re-read my journals/blogs.  I didn't journal on paper for pretty much all of 2012.  My last paper journal entries were dated 2011.  During my morning time with God, I figured I'd go back and see what I was thinking about in 2012... 2011... 2010...  I really enjoy going back and reading my old journal entries.  I love everything I've written.  It's almost like cleaning out my closet and pretending I'm shopping in there.  I love everything I pull out of my own closet... everything fits... and it's all "free"... it's like I had my own personal stylist... except... I know it's me and I'm just rediscovering the jewels I've already discovered... but I like to pretend it's a game and then it becomes the best shopping game ever!   Anyway... it feels the same when I go back and reread the things I've written... like someone collected all the thoughts that would totally be meaningful for me... and put them all in one place.  I know it's retarded because I wrote them down for myself because I thought they were awesome but it's fun to rediscover my discoveries.  I found this in one of my blog entries.  

For the hearts that will cease focusing on themselves, there is "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding" (Phil. 4:7); "quietness and trust" (Isa. 30:15), which is the source of all strength; a "great peace" that will never "make them stumble" (Ps. 119:165); and a deep rest, which the world can never give nor take away. Deep within the center of the soul is a chamber of peace where God lives and where, if we enter it and quiet all the other sounds, we can hear His "gentle whisper" (1 Kings 19:12). Even in the fastest wheel that is turning, if you look at the center, where the axle is found, there is no movement at all. And even in the busiest life, there is a place where we may dwell alone with God in eternal stillness. - Streams in the Desert, Nov 24

Perfect Peace.  I've been lacking perfect peace lately and I think God wanted to have more dates with me so He could get me there.  

It was rainy today. On and off rainy.  As I was driving, I'd pass under a shady, cloudy area and get rained on... and then I'd keep driving and suddenly the clouds changed shape and color... they were white and fluffy... and rays of sunshine were piercing through the bright blue open spaces.  This is how I've felt for the past couple weeks.  Rainy, then sunny, then rainy, then sunny.  Really emotionally unstable... really volatile... major poopyness but then also major happiness punctuating my days as well.  I've been having a hard time dealing with my emotions and how I was feeling.  

Coping mechanisms... I have so many... depending on what kind of "version" I am that day.  I think I've spent most my life as an introvert.  Now I'm not quite sure.  My friend calls it extro-converted.  I am both.  I need my alone time... I need time with my friends.  I recharge when I'm alone... I also recharge when I'm with friends.  

Look at this list and tell me what you think I am.  I think I'm leaning towards extroversion a lot of the time but I do still have a lot of introverted tendencies.  It really depends where I am, who I'm with... oh and if I'm hungry then forget it... I can't function when I'm hungry. Beef.  Beef almost always makes things better.  How can I figure myself out and figure out what I need when I'm such a mixed up bag of nuts?!?  (if ur nice, you won't answer that question and I'm pretty sure you're all nice... so... yeah...).  

Triggers... they've been really varied and really surprising.  Some things you'd think would bother me... don't.  And then some things that shouldn't bother me... totally do.  The worst is when I'm unaware of the landmines and someone inadvertently steps on one.  The other day... someone was talking to me and laughing and she touched the bare skin on my arm and I jumped.  It wasn't really sudden.  She did it naturally and in a friendly way.  I don't have an irrational fear of being touched.  I usually enjoy being touched (in a non-creeper way) and I actually tend to touch people when I talk too but for some reason... when that person touched me, I felt myself reflexively pull back and then I tried to shift a little in the same direction I jumped so it wouldn't look like I was afraid of her touch.  It was some kind of weird landmine.  I don't think it happens all the time either.  It took me by surprise.  And a lot of the stuff I've been encountering lately has also taken me by surprise.  I can't say I reacted very well to some of the landmines blowing up either.  

All in all... I've had to do a lot of self-soothing... self-coaching.  It's during these times that I wish that Anderson were still around.  He always knew what to say to make me feel better... even if he was the one who made me mad in the first place.  In his absence, I've had to figure out how to help myself... and I think that God has also raised up a whole bunch of my friends to bear my emotional burden for/with me as well.  Even though I don't have just one person who knows everything... I have a whole lot of really really great friends who help fill the gap that Anderson left.  First and foremost, God always meets me where I'm at... but He also sends friends to remind me of His love for me... and I hold them very near and dear to my heart.  

I delight in my friends.  I delight in making new ones.  Every new connection with a new person is such a huge blessing to me.  It's as if my heart keeps expanding to keep all these friend-treasures in my heart... and the more friends I have... the more my capacity to love grows.  It's pretty much a miracle.  I'm a friend hoarder and somehow I keep finding places to put them... like Hermione's bottomless handbag.  I realize that some friends are only meant to be in our lives for a season and that's OK.  I still keep you near and dear.  I will always write back if you email me and I will almost always text or message back as well.  If you want to meet up, just try and set a date.  It might take a while depending on how busy I am but if you're patient, I WILL make the time to hang with you.  If I didn't respond, there is the possibility that I might not have gotten your message so please just send another one. I try very very hard to always respond... even if it's just a snippet in passing.  I had a thought today... that I have the MOST AMAZING collection of friends.  I don't know how it's possible to have so many amazing people surrounding me at all times.  I am very, very blessed.  You guys are all-star status.  Much much love.  

Objectively, I should have had an awesome day today.  I got a facial, I did some laundry, dropped off dry cleaning, went to the chiropractor, got a grand total of two hours of massages... and I laughed a lot.  I totally asked God to do something "out of the ordinary" today and He totally delivered.  I hung out with my mom and my mom's friend... we went on visitations... and I got a super cute fobby pillow neckrest with a super cute stuffed turtle on it.  It's in my car.  It's so fobulous but I love it.  A lady at the restaurant said that I was... something something in Chinese.  I didn't know what she was saying... but I found out later... (with the help of google translator) that she said that I was delicate, elegant, refined.  That is a major compliment from a perfect stranger... a middle-aged Asian woman... when I had humidity frizz in my hair, had just got a facial and I have extraction marks on my face and I had just finished ravenously devouring an entire bowl of beef noodle soup in 10 minutes because I was so GOSH DARN HUNGRY.  I didn't feel very delicate or refined at the moment... which made it all the more meaningful.  Kinda like someone telling me "I'm pretty" just randomly.  I was having an awesome day... and then something happened which totally robbed me of my joy and robbed me of my peace.  It was really small and stupid but it was a total landmine which someone inadvertently exploded and it pretty much pushed me over the edge.  I couldn't hold it together anymore... I couldn't self-soothe.  All I wanted to do was crawl into a safe place... my "spot" on Anderson's chest... and cry.  Cry and cry and cry until I couldn't cry anymore and just tell him that someone said something stupid to me and I don't want to be upset but I am upset... my feelings are hurt and I'm being irrational and emotional and blowing things way out of proportion... and just have him hug me and tell me I'm pretty (always works... sometimes he'd just say it randomly just cuz he knew I'd always love to hear it) and that he'll go beat up that stupid person for me even though I know he never would.   I'm allowed to be a girl sometimes.  I'm allowed to be weak.  Sometimes.  Always a good day when there's crying involved. 

I had a couple friends come alongside and encourage me through it.  I went from frustrated to angry to sad within a span of an hour or so.  I realized that right now was not a time exclusively for friends.  Right now was a time to be alone with God.  

To sit in silence... and listen for His whispers...  a couple whispers graced my heart-ears...

• whatever is good, whatever is noble... whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is of good report... think on these things...

• go on faith... not feelings...  choose truth... choose joy

I was also reminded of this passage I read a couple days ago... where it says that Jesus meant to pass by... but He stopped, calmed the storm, and ministered to His disciples.  

Jesus Walks on the Water - Mark 6⁴⁵ Immediately he made his disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. ⁴⁶ And after he had taken leave of them, he went up on the mountain to pray. ⁴⁷ And whenevening came, the boat was out on the sea, and he was alone on the land. ⁴⁸ And he saw that they were making headway painfully, for the wind was against them. And about the fourth watch of the night^[g] he came to them, walking on the sea. He meant to pass by them, ⁴⁹ but when they saw him walking on the sea they thought it was a ghost, and cried out, ⁵⁰ for they all saw him and were terrified. But immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” ⁵¹ And he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. And they were utterly astounded, ⁵² for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.

I also was reminded of this story.  

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? . . . I will yet praise him” (Ps. 43:5).Yes, praise Him even for His silence. Let me relate a beautiful old story of how one Christian dreamed she saw three other women in prayer. 

When they knelt the Master drew near to them. As He approached the first of the three, He bent over her with tenderness and grace. He smiled with radiant love and spoke to her in tones of pure, sweet music. Upon leaving her, He came to the next but only placed His hand upon her bowed head and gave her one look of loving approval. He passed the third woman almost abruptly, without stopping for a word or a glance. 

The woman having the dream said to herself,“How greatly He must love the first woman. The second gained His approval but did not experience the special demonstrations of love He gave the first. But the third woman must have grieved Him deeply, for He gave her no word at all, nor even a passing look.” 

She wondered what the third woman must have done to have been treated so differently. As she tried to account for the actions of her Lord, He Himself came and stood beside her. He said to her,“O woman! How wrongly you have interpreted Me! The first kneeling woman needs the full measure of My tenderness and care to keep her feet on My narrow way. She needs My love, thoughts, and help every moment of the day, for without them she would stumble into failure. 

“The second woman has stronger faith and deeper love than the first, and I can count on her to trust Me no matter how things may go or whatever people may do.Yet the third woman, whom I seemed not to notice, and even to neglect, has faith and love of the purest quality. I am training her through quick and drastic ways for the highest and holiest service. 

“She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so completely, that she no longer depends on My voice, loving glances, or other outward signs to know of My approval. She is not dismayed or discouraged by any circumstances I arrange for her to encounter. She trusts Me when common sense, reason, and even every subtle instinct of the natural heart would rebel, knowing that I am preparing her for eternity,and realizing that the understanding of what I do will come later. 

“My love is silent because I love beyond the power of words to express it and beyond the understanding of the human heart. Also, it is silent for your sakes—that you may learn to love and trust Me with pure, Spirit-taught, spontaneous responses. I desire for your response to My love to be without the prompting of anything external.” 

He “will do wonders never before done” (Ex. 34:10) if you will learn the mystery of His silence and praise Him every time He withdraws His gifts from you. Through this you will better know and love the Giver. selected.  Streams in the Desert.  February 9.

I know it's not exactly the same... but I felt like maybe Jesus meant to pass by me... that maybe I should have been like that third woman... but I freaked out... the storms began to rock me... and so instead of passing by... He came back to me... calmed the storm and ministered to me in my need and in my weakness.  Even when I should know better and BE better... He still sees my struggling heart and meets me where I'm at.  What an amazing, loving, tenderhearted God.  

I'm better now.  Choosing to ponder the amazingness of my friends... the truths that I know in my heart and in my mind to be true... grounding myself in the Word... and pressing on... 

Wow, I'm tired.  Maybe I'll sleep super early today.  Eh.  Doubt it.  Even if I try I probably won't end up falling asleep.  

Sorry I've been a little crazy lately.  And if you've been spared from crazy moody Tiff... consider it a blessing.  I'm in recovery.  

Thank you for always giving me second chances.  Thank you in advance for third, fourth, fifth...infinity chances... you're the best!

I choose not to be a crazy bag of nuts... I choose not to follow my feelings... I choose to believe in God... God's truths... and in the goodness of it all.  

Actually... I just thought of this.  Last Sunday, the speaker asked us to make a list of our idols.  Here's what I came up with:

• Friends
• Myself
• Pride
• Food
• Relationships
• Vanity
• Idleness

I think God's going down the line and testing me.  Rough stuff but meant for good.  I wrote this to a friend the other day and I think I need to remind myself of it again right now:

And praying a prayer of humility... Is as scary as praying the prayer of obedience... "Here I am, send me". It's weighty and you'd better count the cost... But if you consider that everything in this world is but a foggy image... A small gust of wind against eternity... You're asking for great riches in heaven with very little personal cost.  It's scary if you focus on the pain.  God wants us to consider the surpassing greatness of the eternal ramifications... Eternal treasures where moth and dust do not destroy... And which can never be taken away.  You stop working out... You lose muscle... But it's not the same for the eternal treasures.  It's a brave prayer.  Most people would tell me "be careful what you ask for" but I know exactly what I'm asking for.  I'm asking for God to sanctify me, purify me, bring me into closer and deeper fellowship with Him... And if He has to burn away some of the fat or sin to get me there... Then WHY the heck not?!?!  We all have to realize our own limitations and utter failure as human beings before we begin to trust God and let go of the facade of control.  It's far better if we recognize it in theory... Then God won't have to remind us of our failures in real life.  

K.  I think I'm done now.  Thanks for listening/reading if you got this far.  :)

love,
Tiff

Angel Armies

I've been 31 years old for 2.5 weeks.  
Each new year has brought with it a new set of challenges and this year proves no different.  2013 may be exceptionally difficult, however... it feels like the hardest year of my life so far.  
This is the year I will learn to become a nurse practitioner.  I feel as though the past two years I've spent convincing myself that I can do this.  Now that I'm actually here, I'm doubting whether or not it can be done.  There is too much to learn... too much to know... and not enough time to do it all.  

You hear me when I callYou are my morning songThough darkness fills the nightIt cannot hide the light
Whom shall I fear?

Reflecting on this past birthday... a few things stand out to me.  This is the first year, in what feels like a very long time, that I've felt I've gained a new church family. It's been a huge answer to prayer. I've spent the last few years at a few different churches and it's been a heartbreaking transition each and every time.  With every church I decided to leave, I felt so disappointed... so lonely... and much like I was leaving an unrequited lover.  It hurt a lot to leave one church and brave another one on my own.  But if it took a few failed attempts to keep me on the search for a family that would love me back, then I'm glad I went through it.  I wrote before how I felt that churches were like different soils and I am a plant.  I can feasibly grow in different soils but some soils have the right combination of nutrients and minerals which are more suited to nurture the flower that I am right now.  It feels a lot easier to be here.  Like a breath of fresh air.  I'm not sure if I'm meant to be here forever but for now, I'm pretty darn sure this is where I was meant to be.  

I am also so touched and amazed by the number of people who gave me gifts which truly moved my heart.  And especially amazed at the extreme thoughtfulness of some of my newest friends.  I am always delighted to receive things from people.  Oftentimes, I am more delighted by the thought than I am by the gift.  I think that this year, there were SO MANY gifts where I was doubly delighted by the thoughtfulness of the giver and by the utter perfection of the gift.  I felt as though my lovely friends were mind readers...as if I were playing a game with all of you and I imagined something I wanted... and somehow so many of you just KNEW.  If I think realistically though... it's not as though all my friends are psychic... they were just really good at paying attention... and really talented and thoughtful gift buyers.  And maybe I got better at letting other people know me as well.  I've really, really enjoyed spending time with my friends.  I'm still enjoying spending one-on-one time with you.  I'm always really surprised at how much effort and how far some of my friends will go to spend time with me.  I feel like I am such a horrible friend compared to all of you.  After all my popcornopolis is gone... after all the gift cards to my favorite places have been used... my favorite things shared with my favorite people... have truly reminded me how loved I am and that I am not alone, despite how lonely I feel at times.

You crush the enemyUnderneath my feetYou are my Sword and ShieldThough troubles linger still
Whom shall I fear?

This past year may have been the first time that I've identified my deeply engrained fear of being unprepared and inadequate... and this year may be the first time that I'm being forced to confront these fears on a daily basis as I am constantly slapped in the face by my ignorance, naivety and lack of experience in the clinical setting.  In my first round of nursing school, I don't remember feeling so stupid all the time.  I remember being in awe of my preceptors... at how much they just knew... how much they could multi-task... at how natural they seemed at their jobs.  I'm still in awe of all of these qualities in my preceptors.  God has provided me with amazing people to learn from.  Maybe I'm so in awe that I'm dumbfounded... dumb and mute and paralyzed.  
I am sure that it is no coincidence that I'm confronted so frequently by my deepest fears.  If I am to work at my weaknesses, they need to be drawn out and brought to light.  And I have so many weaknesses.  It's overwhelming to think on them as a collection.  I'm just going to have to pick them out one by one and destroy them slowly.  It's like trying to get rid of an army of ants.  I have no Raid or bug spray.  I just have my finger.  One ant, one finger at a time.  And sometimes even though I think I've squashed it... it still lives.  Oh sweet Jesus, I pray for finger strength.  

I know Who goes before meI know Who stands behindThe God of angel armiesIs always by my sideThe One who reigns foreverHe is a Friend of mineThe God of angel armiesIs always by my side

In my time of need... as I'm scrambling to find my way in the fog... I've needed to be encouraged by the Lord, by my family, and by my friends.  God has used so many of you to speak so much encouragement into my life... you're like my angel armies... always by my side.  I don't see myself the way you see me.  And I don't even care if you're lying to me just to make me feel better. I appreciate your sweet lies.  I don't understand how so many of you can be so confident in me.  Do I see myself so wrong and so distorted?  I've needed so much to rely on my friends for prayer and support.  I feel about as strong as overcooked spaghetti.  Many times throughout my days living as a limp noodle... I hear your words playing in my head... your encouragements... and it gives me just enough strength to carry on.  

My strength is in Your nameFor You alone can saveYou will deliver meYours is the victory

Whether or not I succeed or fail at becoming a nurse practitioner of excellence, I know that my true worth does not lie in my degree, in my license, in my job, in my relationship status, in my family, in my friends... or in anything else in this world.  No matter what I do... I am and always will be a daughter of the Most High God.  Adopted as His child... grafted into His vine.  Bought with a price... with the precious blood of the unblemished Lamb.  If this door closes and if I am forced to go back to working as a Registered Nurse... it's OK.  If I somehow lose my license and I can't be a nurse anymore... it'll be OK as well.  This stuff is temporary.  It doesn't matter what I do... it matters for Whom I'm living for and as long as between me and God, I'm living my life to the fullest and with utmost obedience... He sees my heart and He is pleased.  His is the only opinion that matters.  And at least I'll know that I tried and gave it my all.  And honestly... if I could spend the rest of my life being with people... meeting new friends... sharing life... laughing and eating and encouraging others... I think I'd be pretty happy and will have led a very full life.  The location... eh.  Could be here or there... in a hospital, in a clinic... at a restaurant... at the gym... at the park... it doesn't matter.  People matter and I don't need to be a nurse practitioner to be a person who cares for other people and isn't afraid to show it (most of the time).  Over the past few years, God has really opened my eyes and my heart to see people more in the way that He sees them.  It's truly amazing.  The depths of His love... are deeper than the ocean... and He has allowed me the opportunity to experience His deep love and to pour out His love to others.  Even when it sometimes feels impossible for me to care even an iota more... the moment I am aware of someone's hurt, someone's pain, someone's brokenness... it's as if there is suddenly just a little bit more to give.  
It doesn't always happen though.  In fact, today as I was sitting with a friend at Starbucks... I observed a deeply distraught person in an encounter with someone who knew her but didn't seem to care... and for some reason... nothing moved in me.  I was observing it... as if it were happening on television and I weren't 10 feet away.  I kept doing what I was doing just like all the other people sitting around with their laptops and headphones.  I observed some more and what I saw was humbling.  I saw another girl... one who wasn't so self-absorbed like me... ask if the distraught girl was OK.  She went and got her wallet and bought the distraught girl an ice-blended mocha.  And not a small one either.  After distraught girl left... the angel girl came and sat down with the man who appeared to know the girl but who didn't seem to care.  I witnessed her lay hands on this man and pray for distraught girl and for him.  I'm not sure what was said or what was going on... all I know was that I was humbled and convicted of my selfishness.  Honestly... what did it cost the angel girl?  Not much.  What would it have cost me?  Nothing much at all.  I'm thankful that the angel girl was there to be a salt and a light to distraught girl and uncaring man.  I didn't step up to the plate this time.  I'm glad that God provided for them in spite of me.  Must be more aware and intentional for next time.  

And nothing formed against me shall standYou hold the whole world in your handsI'm holding onto Your promisesYou are faithful

He is so faithful.  He has always been faithful.  He will always continue to be faithful.  How could I ever doubt His faithfulness and His provision when He has been nothing but unwavering, unchanging, unfailing since the beginning of time?  I can't even count the ways He has provided so bountifully for me in these past few years alone.  What makes me think that my present situation or whatever lies in my future... that He will be any different?  He will not change.  He will never change.  He is the only One with whom I can say with utmost confidence that He IS who He IS.  He is alpha and omega.  It is so, so true.  In big ways and small ways... He has been found faithful.  

The God of angel armies is always by my side - Chris Tomlin

Thank you for continuing to read my crazed and random thoughts.  Until next time... 

much love,
Tiff