Day 94 - Stop and go

I've been busy.

If it's not with work or school, it's hanging out... meeting people... and in my spare time, I do a little homework. Today is Sunday... a day of rest. I had 2 hours at home alone before it's time to go out again. I have some homework to do, but I figured... for 2 hours, I'd just stop. Stop running around, stop thinking about what I have to do... stop juggling... just stop.

I laid down for a bit. Buried my face in my blanket and inhaled the sweet, floraly scent of fabric softener still lingering on the threads. I love the smell of laundry. Zombieland Rule #32: Enjoy the little things.

I looked across my room at my bulletin board and hanging there is something that Julia drew/colored for me... a picture inspired by a conversation that Anderson and I had in the ICU back in Texas.


I remember that encounter. I remember it as a really sweet moment. A truly sweet moment between husband and wife... or best friends really. As I was reliving the memory in my mind... a big fat tear started welling up in my eye... you know how it slowly grows, clouding your vision... and then it reaches critical mass, gravity claims it... and another big fat one grows in its place.

I miss him.

He'd be so happy for me though. I think I'm becoming the person he always wanted me to be. He'd have been the first to tell me how happy he was that I was happy. How happy he was that I was having fun with my friends. He'd probably ask me if I really needed those boots, but then he'd turn around and say how pretty I looked in them and how he'd feel so sloppy in his t-shirt and jeans. He used to say, "I love you happy" and "you're my happy". He'd tell me that I was his sunshine... when skies are blue... because he loved it when skies were gray. Sorry so sappy.

He'd also always say "you wear me out, woman". He'd get tired just hearing about my day. He never understood how I'd have the energy to do all the things I did. Frankly, I don't really understand it either.

Almost time to go again. I'm glad I stopped for a bit... remembered a bit... cried a bit... and blogged a bit.

til next time...

Day 91 - Changes

Has it really only been 3 months since I last held his hand? Kissed him on the cheek? Put my hand over his beating heart?

It feels like a lifetime ago. And yet... if I close my eyes... I can vividly see myself at his side in the ICU at MD Anderson in Texas. I remember sitting in my little chair at the side of his bed. Staring at his EKG, staring at his IV pumps... making sure they changed the bags and reset the machine so it wouldn't beep and annoy him... just in case he could still hear it. I remember wiping his eyes, washing his face, giving him a shave (after he got trach'd)... so just in case... he'd feel better... cleaner... more presentable. I remember it all. It just feels so long ago.

It's nearing the end of October! Let's see... I've felt like so much has happened these past few months. I'm 2/3rds done with the semester taking 16 units (I'm crazy and never dropped the class I'd told myself to drop), I've been doing public health nursing things in San Bernardino County, interning at St. Jude on tele... learning a lot, doing a lot of things that are pretty new to me.

More things that are pretty new to me... I started BSF, maintaining intentional accountability relationships with multiple women, and the most fun new thing... been meeting up with and hanging out with more people the past 3 months than I probably had in the entire year previously. Maybe even the past two years.

I seriously remember thinking this way and it's almost shameful but I'll admit it. Whenever people used to ask me to do things... the first thing I would think of is an excuse as to why I couldn't go. I'M SO SORRY. I rarely wanted to go out to do things, see people, or even talk to people (and then I complained about why I had no one to hang out with...). So this is why all of this is pretty new to me. I'm more likely now to say yes than to think of excuses why I can't go... it's gotten to a point where I somehow have a really hard time saying no. I'm exhausted, but I'll go play tennis anyway. I know I should be doing homework or cleaning my room, but I'll decide to go meet up with someone anyway. Every blank space on my google calendar is now an opportunity to schedule more time with people. I told myself that I need to back off on the scheduling... that I needed more time to myself... more time at home... and then...

I just scheduled another hangout this morning. I told myself to cut back on scheduling things, but... my heart yearns to see people, to share life with them... and yes, to share a meal with them. Maybe... all the energy I poured out on Anderson... I'm now pouring out onto everyone around me. A little bit here, a little bit there... I just feel like there's so much more to give. Like my heart is bigger. My heart feels more. My heart laughs more. I care more. I miss people.

I definitely feel like my heart of stone has been replaced with a heart of flesh. One other thing I've noticed is that my heart becomes grieved when I see people hurting, people in pain... I just want to help them. I don't pick up on everything around me, but definitely a whole lot more than I did before. It might seem like it's normal to empathize with the pain of others, but honestly, I don't think I ever did that much before. It's almost like, I used to have an eggshell all around me and it would take some force before that eggshell would crack. Now I feel like a hardboiled egg without a shell. Every little thing that pokes me makes a dent. Kinda hurts. But I hurt when they hurt. I'm OK with that.

I don't mind. I'm not tired of it. Not burned out... yet. I feel like I've been blessed with so much... my heart's been overflowing with so much... I just WANT to pour out a little love here and there. Even saying "I love you" to other people... whenever people used to say it to me, I'd feel myself not wanting to say it back to them. I'd only said "I love you" to Anderson or my parents... but now it's like I want to say it to everyone. It's so bizzare. Too much love coming out. Pardon me if I make you uncomfortable. I can't help it. Weird stuff comes out of my mouth.

This is getting kind of long but I just wanted to share a little bit about something that made me happy at work. A few weeks ago, I was working one particular night at the hospital. I had 2 patients who were... so sad. One of them was one of those needy, high maintenance patients, the ones that the nurses don't like having. Another one was not that high maintenance, but just sad about their failing health and kept making comments like "I wish I had a new body" or "I've got nothing to live for". Maybe it reminded me of Anderson's struggle. I dunno. I just felt really compelled to spend more time with these patients. The high maintenance one never wanted me to leave the room so that one was easy. But as I waited with her... I felt like holding her hand... so I did. Hand holding is really... difficult for me. I don't hold hands. Anyway, I held her hand. I stood there in silence, holding her hand. With a glove on. I then somehow felt compelled to ask her if she believed in God. So I did. She said she was methodist. So I asked her if I could pray for her. And I did. I'm ashamed that I forgot her name while I was praying for her but oh well... I prayed for her anyway. After that, she was just so thankful. I felt happy that I could do that for her. Such a small thing, but it was something. And then the other patient... I told her that I would come back and talk to her because she was complaining that she was bored with nothing to do. So I went and did my charting things and came back to talk to her. I made small talk. I really don't like making small talk. I asked her about what she used to do. I asked her more and more questions. As I was talking to her, I saw her smile. Just seeing her smile... I was so happy. I asked her if she could try to get some rest... and she said that she would try. She smiled. Really... just such small things... I hope the two of them felt a little bit better during my shift with them. Anyway. It was a good day at work. I love my profession. It's pushing me to grow in areas that I need to grow in. It gives me opportunities to share a little bit of life with people in need. I get to help. I'm really glad I'm a nurse. Makes me happy.

OK, such random thoughts but I just thought I'd write down the changes I've noticed... sorry it was so long... and all about me. K... better go get some stuff done before work tonight...

Day 89 - the cherry on top

Not all days are brilliant, but some days are. At the end of some days, you just smile as you think back on all the wonderful things that have happened. Some days, you get an extra special cherry on top. Today I got a cherry on top. Anderson sent me an e-card. :)

I'm not sure when he wrote it or why he chose today to send it. Every single time I wonder if this one is the last one I'm gonna get. I watched P.S. I Love You a few years ago and I bawled like I'd never bawled while watching a movie. It's a VERY good thing I watched it at home, alone in my room and not in a theater. I probably used half a tissue box that night. And after I watched it once, I think I watched it again. That movie hit so close to home... but I also remember thinking that Anderson wouldn't ever plan those things for me. He was never a huge planner. He was more go-with-the-flow. I was pretty sad back then, thinking that he'd probably never leave me anything of himself after he'd pass on. Although e-cards and webcam videos aren't the same as a trip to Europe... he did leave me bits and pieces for me to find later on... and to remind me that he loved me.

I spent this past weekend on the east coast. I went out there with a little bit of emotional turmoil and a pretty bad case of motion sickness, but at every turn, it seemed like God left little love notes for me to find, open, and bask in the warmth (despite the frigid weather) of experiencing little bursts of love all over the place. K that was a really long and weird sentence that probably didn't make much sense, but you kinda get what I mean. I felt loved. I really felt loved.

Let's see... at the airport, I ran into a high school friend who just so happened to be on the same flight to NYC as me. We caught up over some outrageously overpriced Burger King since our flight was delayed a couple hours. After getting to NY, I got 2 big hugs from my good friends from college and we pretty much laughed and made fun of each other nonstop the entire weekend as they guided me on my eating tour of Manhattan/Brooklyn and as I dragged them to Philly and onto my non-stop friendship tour on my last day in NY.

I'm not an extroverted person. Myers Briggs always labels me Introverted. I'm usually drained by the time I'm done hanging out with one or two people. Not true lately. The whole weekend was non-stop going out, eating out, meeting up with people, shopping, people watching on the subway... and ending the day chit chatting with my bed buddies. I loved every minute of it.

I loved waking up early to go get awesome pancakes... and then getting lox/bagels/cream cheese, pastrami sandwiches and matzo ball soup as we waited for pancakes. I loved walking across the Brooklyn Bridge and then devouring the best pizza ever... and then going to get ice cream afterwards in 40 degree weather. I loved watching Zombieland with my friends and then making silly movie references all weekend long. Cardio. Double Tap. I loved having Amish breakfast with an awesome friend. Those apple dumplings ROCKED! I loved randomly calling a friend and being able to meet up with them cuz they just so happened to be a block away at the time I called. I loved running up the same steps that Rocky ran up and then taking goofy pictures at the top. I loved having cheese steaks and fries with cheese whiz in the rain... and then getting gelato afterwards. Pineapple and sage somehow go really well together in a sorbetto. Even though I felt nauseous, I still loved going to eat pumpkin pancakes and then ending up eating everyone else's food cuz mine made me more nauseous. I loved taking soup and juice to a sick friend and then thawing out and catching up in her awesome apartment. And I love Zabar's. Zabar's made me love paninis. Meeting up with more friends and a cousinish over hot paninis... warm awesomeness. Warm, gooey cookies and milk after paninis. Yummers. And then shoe shopping at the biggest Macy's EVER. More awesomeness. Church service was about friendship and fellowship, using Jonathan and David as an example... quite fitting. I loved going to eat... uh... French Mexican food and getting tangled up in their halloween decorations. And then meeting up with a friend I hadn't seen since 7th grade! Too, too awesome. Late night grocery shopping and Japanese peach gummies... watching hilarious home videos, trying to pronounce the ingredients to Chinese "sinus tea" and climbing into an outrageously large Macy's bag... loved it all.

Even when I got back home... I got taken out to eat yummy pizza in LA and then Rite Aid ice cream. I'm definitely 5 pounds happier. Don't worry, I worked out when I got home too. I'm probably going to have to work out pretty hard to undo the fatty indulgence/damage from this weekend, but it was SO worth it.

I had a super awesome weekend. God's little love notes were strewn all along my path these past few days. Love notes mean so much more coming from someone who truly loves you and knows you. Anderson's notes were mostly silly to make me laugh... but also silly to remind me to take it easy and take breaks because he knew I tended to overextend myself and get stressed out. Much in the same way, God's love notes to me were sent to speak exactly where I needed it and in the way I needed it. I'm not really in need of more food or external padding, but I do love me some good eats. All these friends... all the laughs... really spoke to my heart and lifted me up and out of whatever gunky mess I'd put myself in previously.

So when I got Anderson's e-card. I smiled. I didn't cry. My heart didn't wrench. I smiled and my heart smiled. It was the perfect love note cherry on top of a rich and gloriously delicious weekend.

Day 79 - Clueless

I apologize for not having blogged in a while. It's not that I didn't have thoughts that I wanted to share with you all... there were just things, people, and events that I had been pouring into that when it came to the end of the day... I had nothing left to pour out onto this blog.

How am I doing? I'm doing really really well. School's keeping me busy, but more significant than school... God's been filling my life with so many people that I feel like my heart is overflowing with love and fellowship. I remember telling/complaining to Anderson about how I had no close girl friends... how I yearned for close girl friends or even a best friend (who wasn't him)... and how I kept coming up empty in that area. I look at my life now and I am SO blessed to be the recipient of blessings from SO many other women. There are women to laugh with, to cry with, to shop with, to study with, to work alongside with, to share my heart with and it is definitely one of the hugest ways that God has provided for my every need and fulfilled the desires of my heart. Thank you, ladies, for your love!

I worked a night shift last night and I'm working another one again tonight. I had intentioned to sleep until 5:30pm and then wake up and get ready for work, however, a persistent cough and a mind overrun with thoughts has kept me awake since 3pm. I've only squeezed in one REM cycle this morning. I hope it's enough to get me through the next 16+ hours until my head can once again be laid to rest on the cloud I call my bed.

I think today... I wanted to write about being... clueless. I call it clueless... I think the Bible calls it darkness. Blindness. Having eyes but not seeing... ears but not hearing. I felt like I'd been clueless all my life... until suddenly... I was not. And I feel like I've been having so many of those "clueless and then suddenly not" moments lately.

Let me back up and catch you up a little on the life happenings since my last post... over 2 weeks ago. Almost immediately after my last post on the 22nd of September, I got sick. Probably a cold or something. I wasn't sick enough to be bedridden... I was just sick enough to need to stay home, cancel my social engagements, and spend time on homework. I was sick just enough to remove one layer of my life... going out and being with people and having a quick, clear mind to think and converse. I totally feel that God used my physical weakness to strip away one layer of my life that I found security in. Once that top layer was gone... many more things came into light.

When I was physically weak, I put aside all the "extra" things in life and I struggled to just keep the bare minimum for survival. I kept my times with God because I needed it... I kept my homework going because that's my job for now. Functioning at bare minimum, I slowly began to see what else I tended to rely on for comfort and security... what things I indulged in to help me get through the day. It brought to light a lot of misplaced security in things of the world and therefore became sins that I had to confront and uproot in order to keep my heart undividedly seeking God as my number one, all-encompassing source of security, identity, love, and life.

As God was revealing these things to me... I was in awe. One by one, I was awestruck and blessed by how God was revealing things to me and providing me freedom from being enslaved to these areas of my life... and awestruck and appalled at how sinful I truly am and how clueless I was about it. I had no idea. I was clueless... until I wasn't.

More often than not, songs tend to speak to me more powerfully than written word alone. I've blogged about it before in the "Lifesong" entry. Anyway... these words came to mind:

I was lost in utter darkness 'til You came and rescued me
I was bound by all my sin when Your love came and set me free
Now my soul can sing a new song, now my heart has found a home
Now Your grace is always with me
And I'll never be alone

So so true.

I've also been studying John with the BSF ladies. I had one realization as I was reading the commentary. Something I'd never thought about, but that gave me so much comfort.

Lately, I'd been overwhelmed and also acutely aware of how real darkness, dark forces, and the oppressive power of evil. A month or so ago, I remember watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy with my family at a gathering... it really made me think... about the power that sin has in our lives. We're so drawn to it. It's everywhere. It's ugly. It's got a LOT of minions that seemingly just sprout of the earth with little to no effort (like an Ork <--how do you spell it?) and are immediately ready and waiting to wreak havoc and hellfire on all that is good. It pounces on you and doesn't let go... sucking life and love out of you. And we're like... the little hobbits. The weakest, smallest, most defenseless of all the inhabitants of Middle Earth. We really don't stand a chance.

In the Bible, I think somewhere it says that sin is like yeast in a lump of bread dough. Just a little bit permeates and leavens the whole darn thing. You can't pick it out or remove it out once it's been introduced... so little has such a huge impact. I'm not even sure but it might even chemically bond at such a molecular level that it might be physically impossible under the laws of nature to separate again. We cannot humanly get away from it. We cannot remove leaven on our own. It would take a miracle... a purification process at the molecular level... even defying physics and the laws of nature to undo what has been so ingrained, integrated, and inter-meshed with every molecule of our being.

Darkness vs. light. Sometimes it feels like darkness conquers all that is good. Darkness wins. Darkness confuses and makes people lost... and it's so powerfully scary. But the battle is not darkness vs. light. The two are not equal entities. Darkness is not something that exists on its own, it is the absence of light and is therefore no match to the power of light. Light pierces through darkness. Darkness only blankets and covers when light is not there. Light will always conquer darkness. The battle has already been won. Who's side are you on?

With that perspective, I'd been SOOOO thankful, SOOOO grateful, so indebted... so in LOVE with Jesus Christ. So eternally thankful for the saving grace of the gospel... firstly, that Christ's blood has saved and redeemed me and secondly, that it continues to do so everyday for the rest of my life. I experience grace upon grace as I allow light to pierce through the darkness of my heart. It's so freeing, so joy-giving... it's beautiful.

Sorry I've been more vague in this entry than I have been previously. I just wanted to share that little bit of how beautifully rich my life has been lately. And there goes my alarm... waking me up for work. I'm glad I got to take a little time to share this with you. I hope it makes you think a little and also blesses you today. Much love to all. :)

Day 62 - Gain & Loss

This might be a quickie. We'll see how quickly I can get my thoughts out this morning.

Yesterday, I was reading John and this verse stuck out to me.

John 9:⁴¹Jesus said, "If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains.

This morning I read this:

^{Phil 3:8}What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ

And thought of this:

^{Mark 8:36} And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?

It seems like in all of life, we're out to gain something. We work long and hard to gain education, so many of my friends are house hunting, job hunting... I go shopping so I can gain what I "need". There's nothing essentially wrong with these things... until they start to take over and control you and start becoming obsessions. That need to have, to attain, to add to your collection... I totally feel it and I totally need to do a heart check all the time to remind myself that this is not what I live for.

Oh what I wouldn't give to see Anderson again. Everywhere I look, I'm hit with memories and then reminders that he's no longer here with me. It's such a great mystery to me how this man, this dude I didn't even know ten years ago, could now be so inextricably intertwined in my being that I can't do anything without it reminding me of him.

I'm thankful for his life. So thankful. But I also am thankful for what has happened after his death. Not to say that if God had given me the choice that I would have chosen for our lives (or my life) to end up this way... but I see how through this great loss, I have gained a heart of flesh... I've gained a hunger and desire to know God more... and because of that, I'm living a richer, more abundant life now more than any other time in my life. My earthly loss has become an eternal gain. Not a bad deal... especially when it comes with the promise that I'll see him again one day for an eternity. It'll be a double gain one day. And what is a lifetime in comparison to an eternity? Isn't it said that life is like a wisp in the wind... a drop in the ocean? Small loss in this life isn't really a huge deal in light of eternity.

What the world counts as gain... I can totally see how Paul would say that he counts it as loss. The more you lose in this world, whether it be your sight, freedom, a husband, security in an earthly future... the more you are able to gain Christ.

K, it's been about 20 minutes and I need to stop writing now. I don't want to give the impression that I don't mourn with people who undergo tragic losses. It's still painful. It's suffering to some degree. I also don't want you to think that I want everyone to stop school, stop looking for a job or a house, break up your marriage and give up everything they own... but... would you throw it all out in the trash...if it meant gaining your soul?

Day 60 - Peace

Shalom is a Hebrew word, so much richer in its range of meanings than the English word "peace," which usually refers to the absence of outward conflict or to a state of inner calm. The concept of shalom includes these ideas but goes beyond them, meaning "wholeness," "completeness," "finished word," "perfection," "safety," or "wellness." Shalom comes from living in harmony with God. The fruit of that harmony is harmony with others, prosperity, health, satisfaction, soundness, wholeness, and well-being. When you pray to Yahweh Shalom, you are praying to the source of all peace.-Ann Spangler

For certain, I had no peace today. No state of inner calm. No wholeness, completeness, finished word, perfection, safety or wellness. I didn't have a particularly bad day today. Something just didn't feel quite right.

I think I tend to be in fouler moods when I have to be somewhere early in the morning. Maybe I need to sleep earlier and make it a habit to wake up earlier. The best days are my lazy days. I can wake up when I open my eyes... not to an alarm, a barking dog, or because I overheated... just wake up because I woke up. Then I like to spend hours dawdling about, eating a long breakfast and doing devotions. After that, I feel ready to take on homework, listen to online lectures... make plans... do what I need to do. Haven't had my ideal morning lately. Waking up has been tough, dragging myself to the next event is even tougher. It takes an act of God to change my heart and break me out of my morning foulness. On Wednesday, it was when I heard hundreds of ladies' voices lifted in worship at BSF. On Thursday, it was the God-given realizations/convictions after a productive nap. On Friday, it was reading a few paragraphs in Streams in the Desert that spoke directly to the state of my heart and then the joy of sharing about it with a good friend over good food.

Today... actually more like yesterday (Saturday), I woke up tired. I spent the whole day wishing I could take a nap, but not wanting to so I could sleep tonight. It was hot. My brain wasn't functioning. I had no clarity. I was swinging around this way and that way... being blown about like a feather caught in the wind.

I had read two things on Friday that really spoke to my heart. From, guess where...no big surprise... Streams in the Desert.

1. If I see God in everything, He will calm and color everything I see.

2. Waiting upon God is vital in order to see Him and receive a vision from Him. And the amount of time spent before Him is also critical, for our hearts are like a photographer's film-the longer exposed, the deeper the impression. For God's vision to be impressed on our hearts, we must sit in stillness at His feet for quite a long time. Remember, the troubled surface of a lake will not reflect an image.

^{John 14:1} Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God^a]">; trust also in me.

^{John 14:27} Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I'm tired. I'm so tired, I'm going to copy and paste something that I wrote in an email to someone else.

Today, I tire of trying to figure things out, trying to plan, trying to make time for everything that needs to be done. I just want to BE. To exist. To fall at my Master's feet and lay there... find peace, restoration, and purpose. I need for the waters of my heart to be quieted and stilled... so that His reflection will be clear for all to see.

Just thought I'd share. Night!

Day 58

I miss my husband.

I haven't put away his pictures. Whenever I walk by and glance at a picture of his smiling face, initially, my reflex is to smile and then double back and take a second look to regain the familiar emotion. When I double back, the realization that he's no longer here with me sinks in and I get a little sad again.

I haven't been wearing my engagement ring lately. I've found that especially when I'm meeting new people, it's one of the first things they ask about. When I'm wearing just the bands, I get far less questions. I think people just assume that asking about my husband would be a safe, happy conversation starter. When I hit them with the fact that I'm widowed, I see the shock in their eyes, they're taken aback, and depending on their background, they'll start asking a lot of questions.

I worked the night shift last night with my preceptor at St. Jude. My preceptor asked if I was married... and somehow instead of telling her that I wasn't, I told her that I was widowed. Nurses... ask a lot of medical questions. It's easier for me to talk about him medically than it is for me to talk about him emotionally. A lot of people assume that it's hard. It is... but it isn't at the same time.

The other day I decided to wear my engagement ring again. It's so pretty. I just stare at it. When I look into the eye of my diamond... it glitters back at me. I hear his voice telling me that it's just a small thing that he wanted to give me to represent "us". It's precious metal with precious stones. It's beautiful, but it represents so much more. He always said that he'd get me another one if I wanted it. I kept telling him that I would have been happy with a fake one and this one is far beyond what I had imagined I'd receive. It's the same for our love. His love was far and beyond what I'd imagined I'd ever receive. I feel so blessed to have, even for a short time, been the recipient of such a beautiful and precious love. It is a beautiful, but weak representation of a far better thing. It also reminds me that everything here on earth... even at its finest, most precious, most rare... is but a foggy shadow of what's waiting for us in heaven.

Another reason why I like staring at my ring is because of... chemistry. A diamond is carbon. Graphite is carbon. Graphite is dirty, black and cheap... it's used in pencils. Diamonds are precious, rare, beautiful and expensive. Granted they are cut and polished but you get what I mean. They're both made of the same chemical, but one becomes the other when put under conditions of tremendous pressure and temperature.The ugly is made beautiful through pressure and heat.

I have another song stuck in my head today:

Holy Fire burn away,
my desire for anything
that is not of you and is of me,
I want more of you and less of me
Empty me,
Fill me,
with you (I cleaned up this 2nd part)

I think I have more to say about this whole thing but I'm tired and I need to sleep.