Short one today, I promise!
This morning, I woke up from another slightly sad dream and what I ended up missing the most about Anderson the whole day was just the comfort of being held. I was also a little bit tired today, but I made it through the 8 hours of new grad class. We also got breakfast and lunch provided and our instructor is pretty darn awesome. I had planned on visiting CBC's care groups tonight since it's only 2 miles away from the hospital. So I sat at Starbucks and drank, ate, checked email and waited the two hours until care groups started. While I was gchatting, I realized that I really missed being held. I didn't think too much of it... those kinds of things I just have to let go and accept that it's not gonna happen. And the funny thing is... that I went to care groups and a very little man walked right up to me, put his arms around me and laid his head on my shoulder. Just for a moment. It was very quick and very small, but God answered the cry of my heart. The little man hugged me and for maybe 15 seconds, I was held. The little one-year-old man also stole the pretzels out of my purse a few times too but shoot... he can have the pretzels... that hug was more than enough. I was reflecting on that little blessing and just being so, so thankful for all the little ways that God takes care of me.
Meeting new people... here and there it comes out that I'm widowed. It doesn't come up a lot, but it does come up. One of the things that I hear a lot is "I'm sorry for your loss". I know that people say it because it's true, but mostly because... they don't know what to say. I'm thankful that others try to empathize with how they think I must be feeling. It says a lot about their hearts and their desire to care. Maybe the little problem that I have with that statement is that... it seems to say that others would like to share in my sadness... whereas, I would much rather that they share in my joy. Yes, the loss of my husband to brain cancer is profound and tragic, but what I've gained after the loss (which is only a temporary loss at that) is infinitely more valuable. I don't know how people perceive me when I tell them with a smile that I'm doing really, really well. Do they think I'm putting on a front? I have no idea. I would much rather that people share in my joy, but do they see it? I don't know either.
I actually struggle a lot with finding the words to say to comfort someone. It's so difficult to convey my heartfelt desire to support, comfort and love someone going through a hard time, with either a recent loss or one that is coming very soon in the future.... both of which I've been confronted with in the past few days. I don't know what I'm doing... I just hope they felt cared for... just for a little bit through my short interactions with them. And that's also what I hope to do for my patients when I start on the floor this weekend. All I want to do is to make things a little bit better for the short time that I have with them. If what I can do is just provide the best nursing care that I can, then that's what I'll do. If I have the chance to talk to them, I would like to do that too. If what I can offer is a smile, that's what I hope to offer them too. I wanna be an awesome nurse... one who truly cares and loves the people who come in and out of my life, however briefly. K. I'm tired. Night!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Day 216 - Inklings and changes cont.
Hm. I haven't posted 4 days in a row since... probably right after Anderson passed. I didn't think I'd have any more thoughts or excitement to share today but... what do you know... I still have thoughts. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up in the middle of my dreams and even in my dreams, my phone was interrupting my conversation with my UCI professor who was showing me which part of Maui they were going to be moving to... and I remember that for some reason, Maui on the map looked a whole lot like the shape of South America. Anyway, so I was super fatigued this morning which led to me talking less... and talking less usually means I'm thinking more.
Had a few thoughts... I'm so physically tired... let's see how coherently they come out. Not feeling so bubbly today so I think this post will be more mellow in general.
Just a continuation about following "inklings"... and about actually turning thoughts into action... I think that, for me, I am never more motivated to do something as when I first have the idea to do it. If I let that moment pass, it's quite likely that it will get ignored or postponed for a very long time. Kind of like when I first get an email from someone... I reply right away because the first time I read it, that's when I'm impacted the most. If I don't reply right away, it just moves lower and lower down my inbox and then I might not get around to it until I clean out my inbox once a month, if at all. Actually, the inbox phenomenon is pretty accurate as far as motivation goes. The longer you wait, the less important it seems, and it is very likely that you'll never end up doing it because you either forget about it, end up rationalizing that it's been so long it's not relevant anymore, or you tell yourself that it's not as important as it once was so it's not worth doing. Sometimes it's true. Sometimes things truly aren't worth doing and the passage of time only confirms it... but what about for the things that ARE important, but get ignored or pushed aside? Especially the things that are hard to do?
I have an example. At the very beginning of orientation, all of the people in my new grad cohort met at HR to finish up paperwork, take pictures for our badges (yay, badges!), etc. etc. It was the first time that all of us actually saw who was hired and who was not. Those of us who had met each other at the open house luncheon grouped together. I can't remember if I blogged about it, but my luncheon table won the medical mystery game and we were each given a pretty large gift check as our prize. Two people from another table were talking about how they didn't care if they got the gift check... they got hired, which is even better. And then I made a comment about the two of us who got the gift check AND got hired. We were all laughing and joking, but after I said it, I immediately regretted it. Not the greatest first impression to make... if it came off as more snobby than anything else... as if I were trying to one-up her. I guess behind every joke there's a truth and I wasn't even thinking about what I was saying. I regretted it. I had an inkling to apologize to her. But I ignored it. I even made it a point to look at her name badge to get her name so I could apologize to her by name... but I didn't do it that day. And then I forgot about it.
I remembered again that I'd ignored the inkling when I was blogging about following the inklings in Day 215's post... and I wondered what I could have been missing out on by not doing what my heart had so gently prompted me to do. It really is a still small voice. It wasn't a loud one. Just a quiet whisper. Very easily ignored if I choose my pride or my rationalization over being humble to apologize for something that could even potentially be perceived as prideful or snooty. And who knows how damaging a first impression could be. Anyway... so I told myself that I'd apologize for making the comment today.
So I'm sitting in class... really tired... trying hard to focus on charting and paperwork... but I don't care who you are... charting is not an enthralling topic. And with paper charting... it's even more forms, more headaches, carbon copies, tearing off, filing away, recopying... I'm dreading having to read physicians' handwriting and I'm getting writer's cramp just thinking about all the writing I'm going to be doing. Anyway... the girl to which I'd made the comment... she's not one that sits next to me or around me... nor is she someone with whom I'd even talked to at all the past 2 days. I really contemplated just letting it go. She might not even remember. She might not even care. But... I would know and I care. And God knows my heart too. At the end of class, we did evaluations and we were free to go after we were done. I walked out of the room and almost walked out of the hospital with one of my classmates when I remembered that I hadn't apologized yet. I could have kept on walking... but I chose not to ignore the little voice and to just do it. I waved bye to my friend and went back to the classroom. And I just walked up to her and apologized. 2 days later... I apologized for a comment I made. She was gracious and said not to worry about it, which is always a nice response. I walked out to my car alone, but with a smile and a glad heart knowing that I didn't let this one go... no matter how small a matter it might have been. And I don't know what impact it made on her. It might not have made one at all. But between me and God... I think that the impact was more for me and my obedience and my own humility.
I remember a Sunday School teacher saying to us once that if you're faithful in the little things, God will put you in charge of the bigger things. Big things, small things... should be faithful in all things. The small things are training for the bigger things.
Hm. I think this is shaping up to be a longer-ish one.
I've been reading through Numbers. I've never appreciated Leviticus and Numbers like I do now. One of the things that hits me the most is Moses' heart. He had such a humble, servant's heart... a heart that interceded for his own people who hated on him... a heart that plead for healing for his sister who was being punished for speaking badly about him. God offered a few times to wipe out the Israelites and start again through Moses' seed, but Moses wasn't about to take that. Even when other people had the spirit of God in them and Joshua told Moses to rebuke them... Moses didn't... he wished that God's Spirit would dwell in everyone. Such humble leadership. I think he's considered the greatest leader in Israelite history. And even when they were on the very edge of the promised land and Moses knew that he wasn't going to be allowed to enter because of his sin at Meribah, he didn't complain or say that it wasn't fair. He asked God to provide a leader for Israel so they won't be like sheep without a shepherd. His thoughts and heart were for Israel... forgetful, ungrateful Israel. That's awesomeness.
And God chose Joshua, son of Nun, a man in whom is the Spirit (Num. 27:18). That was his only qualification. I like Joshua too. In Ex 33, there was a tent of meeting outside the camp (before the Tabernacle was built) where people would go when they wanted to inquire of the Lord. And it says that even Moses left the tent but Joshua didn't leave. That says to me that he wanted more of the Lord. And he was chosen to succeed Moses... to lead the Israelites into battle... because in him was the Spirit. And in Joshua 1... it says many times that God told Joshua to be strong and courageous. Be strong and courageous! Leaders aren't always born that way... Moses started out making excuses and questioning God... and Joshua had to be encouraged a lot too.
I was thinking about my new grad cohort... and about how one of the girls... a more timid and quiet one... probably would not have been a natural leader, but because she'd done her preceptorship at the hospital, she was the only one who was familiar with it so she was the one who led us and showed us around. She was placed into a role of leadership because her experiences prepared her for it. And even me... I think something about me or my personality kind of just... pushes me to take on leadership roles. I've found myself in leadership roles all throughout my life. Not so much at school, but more at church. I think early on, it was more a status/worth thing and then it became kind of a habit. I don't think I was ever an extremely effective leader... at least I didn't really feel that way. You're not really a leader unless there are people following you. Because of what happened in 2009, my experiences and who I became as a result of them and what God did in me through them is what has equipped me to do what I've been doing in now.
I think if you were to describe the type of leader I was/am... my strength is in administrative leadership. I'm responsible and I'm not afraid to remind people of what they said they were going to do. Passionate.... no... well at least not about anything other than emails, spreadsheets, and now google documents. Charismatic.... no. Joyful... no. I was pretty consistent and I worked hard. I think what was really missing was the human aspect of it all. I was more machine than human. Pretty much unrelatable, I think.
So God likes to use those who are really weak... those devoid of a certain attribute so that when He uses you and changes you, it truly manifests and glorifies Himself because you know that it's all Him and none of it was your doing. Using the "worldly wimpy" to do amazing things is how He shows us His power. Like... I'm sure it's no coincidence that the Israelites were in the wilderness where there was no food and no water. They got food that came from the sky and gathered it off the ground everyday. They had water that flowed directly out of rocks. God provides food from trees and water from streams, but in the wilderness where there was none of that, God's power to provide for His people just became so blatantly obvious. That's what I feel like God's done in me and I know for a fact that it's all Him and none me because who I am today... is so blatantly obviously NOT "me". Major changes.
I don't know how you would describe me now or if you've noticed that I'm a different person now than I used to be. And no, it wasn't that you just didn't know me before... I'm definitely different now. It's extremely obvious to me, but I'm me and I've grown up with myself all my life. I know the thoughts I have now and I know the thoughts I had before... I know my heart now and I know my heart before and the difference is day and night. I wrote once before about when we choose God rather than choose ourselves, our true potential is revealed... we start to become the people that God intended and created us to be. For me... to be clothed with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience... those are 5 attributes that I really never thought I'd have. People don't change... at least not without God's help. Even if they change their actions on the outside, the inside is still the same. Those attributes were things I had just accepted that others had but they were just "not in my personality". But... they kind of are... as I follow Christ, I become more like Him and those attributes start to show themselves.... not because I'm TRYING to be them... but because my heart has begun to love and love which binds all of these things in perfect unity... manifests through these attributes. INTJ, ENFJ, ISFJ... and more recently back to ENFJ... I don't even know anymore. My personality is changing.
I talk a lot about heart and love nowadays. That's just how I've come to understand God more, the world, my life... through love and the heart... all the world makes sense... all of history makes sense... the Bible makes sense. Love truly does bind all things in perfect unity. God loves us, love God, love others. It all makes sense now. And I want to be known by my love. My love for God and my love for others. More than whatever legacy or impact I leave on this world... I want to be known as someone who loves... with a passion. Wow. Brain is dead. Don't even know where I was going with that one.
I'm sorry there's so many different thoughts in this blog post. I actually have a few more things I wanted to write about, but I think I should just stop now. So tired. Sorry if none of it made sense.
Had a few thoughts... I'm so physically tired... let's see how coherently they come out. Not feeling so bubbly today so I think this post will be more mellow in general.
Just a continuation about following "inklings"... and about actually turning thoughts into action... I think that, for me, I am never more motivated to do something as when I first have the idea to do it. If I let that moment pass, it's quite likely that it will get ignored or postponed for a very long time. Kind of like when I first get an email from someone... I reply right away because the first time I read it, that's when I'm impacted the most. If I don't reply right away, it just moves lower and lower down my inbox and then I might not get around to it until I clean out my inbox once a month, if at all. Actually, the inbox phenomenon is pretty accurate as far as motivation goes. The longer you wait, the less important it seems, and it is very likely that you'll never end up doing it because you either forget about it, end up rationalizing that it's been so long it's not relevant anymore, or you tell yourself that it's not as important as it once was so it's not worth doing. Sometimes it's true. Sometimes things truly aren't worth doing and the passage of time only confirms it... but what about for the things that ARE important, but get ignored or pushed aside? Especially the things that are hard to do?
I have an example. At the very beginning of orientation, all of the people in my new grad cohort met at HR to finish up paperwork, take pictures for our badges (yay, badges!), etc. etc. It was the first time that all of us actually saw who was hired and who was not. Those of us who had met each other at the open house luncheon grouped together. I can't remember if I blogged about it, but my luncheon table won the medical mystery game and we were each given a pretty large gift check as our prize. Two people from another table were talking about how they didn't care if they got the gift check... they got hired, which is even better. And then I made a comment about the two of us who got the gift check AND got hired. We were all laughing and joking, but after I said it, I immediately regretted it. Not the greatest first impression to make... if it came off as more snobby than anything else... as if I were trying to one-up her. I guess behind every joke there's a truth and I wasn't even thinking about what I was saying. I regretted it. I had an inkling to apologize to her. But I ignored it. I even made it a point to look at her name badge to get her name so I could apologize to her by name... but I didn't do it that day. And then I forgot about it.
I remembered again that I'd ignored the inkling when I was blogging about following the inklings in Day 215's post... and I wondered what I could have been missing out on by not doing what my heart had so gently prompted me to do. It really is a still small voice. It wasn't a loud one. Just a quiet whisper. Very easily ignored if I choose my pride or my rationalization over being humble to apologize for something that could even potentially be perceived as prideful or snooty. And who knows how damaging a first impression could be. Anyway... so I told myself that I'd apologize for making the comment today.
So I'm sitting in class... really tired... trying hard to focus on charting and paperwork... but I don't care who you are... charting is not an enthralling topic. And with paper charting... it's even more forms, more headaches, carbon copies, tearing off, filing away, recopying... I'm dreading having to read physicians' handwriting and I'm getting writer's cramp just thinking about all the writing I'm going to be doing. Anyway... the girl to which I'd made the comment... she's not one that sits next to me or around me... nor is she someone with whom I'd even talked to at all the past 2 days. I really contemplated just letting it go. She might not even remember. She might not even care. But... I would know and I care. And God knows my heart too. At the end of class, we did evaluations and we were free to go after we were done. I walked out of the room and almost walked out of the hospital with one of my classmates when I remembered that I hadn't apologized yet. I could have kept on walking... but I chose not to ignore the little voice and to just do it. I waved bye to my friend and went back to the classroom. And I just walked up to her and apologized. 2 days later... I apologized for a comment I made. She was gracious and said not to worry about it, which is always a nice response. I walked out to my car alone, but with a smile and a glad heart knowing that I didn't let this one go... no matter how small a matter it might have been. And I don't know what impact it made on her. It might not have made one at all. But between me and God... I think that the impact was more for me and my obedience and my own humility.
I remember a Sunday School teacher saying to us once that if you're faithful in the little things, God will put you in charge of the bigger things. Big things, small things... should be faithful in all things. The small things are training for the bigger things.
Hm. I think this is shaping up to be a longer-ish one.
I've been reading through Numbers. I've never appreciated Leviticus and Numbers like I do now. One of the things that hits me the most is Moses' heart. He had such a humble, servant's heart... a heart that interceded for his own people who hated on him... a heart that plead for healing for his sister who was being punished for speaking badly about him. God offered a few times to wipe out the Israelites and start again through Moses' seed, but Moses wasn't about to take that. Even when other people had the spirit of God in them and Joshua told Moses to rebuke them... Moses didn't... he wished that God's Spirit would dwell in everyone. Such humble leadership. I think he's considered the greatest leader in Israelite history. And even when they were on the very edge of the promised land and Moses knew that he wasn't going to be allowed to enter because of his sin at Meribah, he didn't complain or say that it wasn't fair. He asked God to provide a leader for Israel so they won't be like sheep without a shepherd. His thoughts and heart were for Israel... forgetful, ungrateful Israel. That's awesomeness.
And God chose Joshua, son of Nun, a man in whom is the Spirit (Num. 27:18). That was his only qualification. I like Joshua too. In Ex 33, there was a tent of meeting outside the camp (before the Tabernacle was built) where people would go when they wanted to inquire of the Lord. And it says that even Moses left the tent but Joshua didn't leave. That says to me that he wanted more of the Lord. And he was chosen to succeed Moses... to lead the Israelites into battle... because in him was the Spirit. And in Joshua 1... it says many times that God told Joshua to be strong and courageous. Be strong and courageous! Leaders aren't always born that way... Moses started out making excuses and questioning God... and Joshua had to be encouraged a lot too.
I was thinking about my new grad cohort... and about how one of the girls... a more timid and quiet one... probably would not have been a natural leader, but because she'd done her preceptorship at the hospital, she was the only one who was familiar with it so she was the one who led us and showed us around. She was placed into a role of leadership because her experiences prepared her for it. And even me... I think something about me or my personality kind of just... pushes me to take on leadership roles. I've found myself in leadership roles all throughout my life. Not so much at school, but more at church. I think early on, it was more a status/worth thing and then it became kind of a habit. I don't think I was ever an extremely effective leader... at least I didn't really feel that way. You're not really a leader unless there are people following you. Because of what happened in 2009, my experiences and who I became as a result of them and what God did in me through them is what has equipped me to do what I've been doing in now.
I think if you were to describe the type of leader I was/am... my strength is in administrative leadership. I'm responsible and I'm not afraid to remind people of what they said they were going to do. Passionate.... no... well at least not about anything other than emails, spreadsheets, and now google documents. Charismatic.... no. Joyful... no. I was pretty consistent and I worked hard. I think what was really missing was the human aspect of it all. I was more machine than human. Pretty much unrelatable, I think.
So God likes to use those who are really weak... those devoid of a certain attribute so that when He uses you and changes you, it truly manifests and glorifies Himself because you know that it's all Him and none of it was your doing. Using the "worldly wimpy" to do amazing things is how He shows us His power. Like... I'm sure it's no coincidence that the Israelites were in the wilderness where there was no food and no water. They got food that came from the sky and gathered it off the ground everyday. They had water that flowed directly out of rocks. God provides food from trees and water from streams, but in the wilderness where there was none of that, God's power to provide for His people just became so blatantly obvious. That's what I feel like God's done in me and I know for a fact that it's all Him and none me because who I am today... is so blatantly obviously NOT "me". Major changes.
Colossians 3:12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
I don't know how you would describe me now or if you've noticed that I'm a different person now than I used to be. And no, it wasn't that you just didn't know me before... I'm definitely different now. It's extremely obvious to me, but I'm me and I've grown up with myself all my life. I know the thoughts I have now and I know the thoughts I had before... I know my heart now and I know my heart before and the difference is day and night. I wrote once before about when we choose God rather than choose ourselves, our true potential is revealed... we start to become the people that God intended and created us to be. For me... to be clothed with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience... those are 5 attributes that I really never thought I'd have. People don't change... at least not without God's help. Even if they change their actions on the outside, the inside is still the same. Those attributes were things I had just accepted that others had but they were just "not in my personality". But... they kind of are... as I follow Christ, I become more like Him and those attributes start to show themselves.... not because I'm TRYING to be them... but because my heart has begun to love and love which binds all of these things in perfect unity... manifests through these attributes. INTJ, ENFJ, ISFJ... and more recently back to ENFJ... I don't even know anymore. My personality is changing.
I talk a lot about heart and love nowadays. That's just how I've come to understand God more, the world, my life... through love and the heart... all the world makes sense... all of history makes sense... the Bible makes sense. Love truly does bind all things in perfect unity. God loves us, love God, love others. It all makes sense now. And I want to be known by my love. My love for God and my love for others. More than whatever legacy or impact I leave on this world... I want to be known as someone who loves... with a passion. Wow. Brain is dead. Don't even know where I was going with that one.
I'm sorry there's so many different thoughts in this blog post. I actually have a few more things I wanted to write about, but I think I should just stop now. So tired. Sorry if none of it made sense.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Day 215 - choices
So my badge and I made it through day 2 of orientation. :) We got through security together and she kept me company through learning national patient safety goals and in reminding people what my name was... she was especially helpful to remind ppl that my name is not Stephanie. Yesterday's orientation was a little more on the boring side... I don't know why, but today's was more interesting. Maybe because it was more relevant since it was nursing orientation today (we did quality control checks on the blood glucose machines, heard from the advanced blood management ppl, the chaplain...) or maybe because of our instructor. She was pretty awesome: a wholeheartedly good person and funny, down-to-earth, and interesting. I'm glad I met her.
Also had an interesting conversation with her that I'm really glad I got a chance to have. She's quite a chatty lady. She let it slip that she'd just lost her brother two weeks ago. She mentioned it and moved on really quickly as she was going over our nursing material. During break, I walked by her and I thought that maybe I'd check on her to see how she was handling her brother's passing. So I asked. Now that I think about it... it was pretty gutsy of me to ask. Really... I think Anderson would have said "who are you?". He always used to say that when I did something uncharacteristic of me. She said that she was doing OK. I gave her a hug. Again, "who am I?". That was that. I went to get a refill on my tea.
Later on in class, I was thinking about it... and I don't know what I was thinking in asking. What if she weren't OK? Was I prepared to handle an emotional breakdown right then and there in front of the entire class if she wasn't OK? No. I had asked already assuming that she'd say she was OK. And I had a thought... that I was horrible for even asking in such an inappropriate setting. So I thought about apologizing. I briefly considered how weird it'd be to "take it back", but I felt a little urge to apologize so I chose to do it. And I'm glad I did.
I just walked up to her and apologized for bringing up such a sensitive subject during break. She responded by telling me that she was glad that I asked because it shows that I care. And then it went back and forth and I told her about Anderson. She was shocked. She made me say it twice. And then she said that it was so interesting because someone else she knew just recently got diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. We had a really good chat about death, dying, coping, end of life care... she asked about my family and how we were handling it, I asked about hers. She told me that she was a touchy-feely person, just like me.
Woah there. Major "who are you?" moment. There are times in my life here and there where I've felt the urge to touch someone else... and usually when a woman is crying or about to cry... that's when it probably comes out the most. Sometimes when I feel like caring for someone but I don't have the words to... but in general... I'm not particularly touchy even though I scored really high on it on my love language test.
Anyway... I think... that entire conversation was just such a blessing. To connect with someone else in an unexpected way is always such a pleasant surprise. I told her that I was really glad I met her and she said the same. :) And to think, I would have missed out on that had I not followed that little inkling inside to ask how she was doing... and then to follow it again to apologize for asking in the first place. So I started thinking about... choices.
The whole of a day is made up of the sum of my choices. I don't even know it that statement makes any sense grammatically, but in my head, it makes sense. One choice leads me one way, which leads to more choices, which leads to more choices... each choice creates an entirely new pathway and the entire day basically ends up to be a result of the sum of my choices. I chose to wake up and not sleep in. I chose to take local instead of the freeway. I chose to eat a taco since it was taco tuesday... AND I chose to also eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich... which I also chose to make this morning. I chose to go to my orientation, I chose to talk to my instructor. My choices lead to actions which reveal what it is I'm choosing. My choices manifest in my actions.
And what did my choices reveal? Well, to my instructor, it revealed that I was caring... and apparently touchy-feely. How I choose to spend the rest of my time also is a reflection of my choices and what's important to me. It is important to me that I respond to people's emails so I spend a large chunk of time doing that everyday. It is also important that I eat... and what I choose to eat also reveals what's important to me. I chose lasagna for dinner. And while I waited for the lasagna to microwave... I did pushups against the counter... and I thought about choices. Now I'm writing about choices. I feel like I'm going in circles. OK. Making my point...
Now that I'm starting to work... I have a lot less leisure time so the choices I make matter more now because I have less time to work with. I think I should choose to exercise tonight. I'm forgetting my point but it's something about importance...
OH YEAH. LOL. Love and choices. Choices not only reveal what's important to you, but they also reveal what you love and what you value... and also whom you value. If I say that Anderson's important to me but I don't choose to make time to be with him, I don't choose to do the things that I know will make him happy... if he called and I chose not to pick up... those choices reveal what's really important to me... which if I made those types of choices... it means that me and what I want to do are more important than him in my life. I didn't falter when it came to spending time with him or picking up his phone calls or answering his emails... but I did choose to remain in school throughout his treatment. It wasn't until we found out that he had 6 months to live that I chose him over school and my career. Everyday I slept in the hospital room with him was a choice I made to choose him over my own comfort... over being outside... over chatting with my friends... and I was so glad that I chose him. Choosing him over me... was the best thing I could have done for him... and also for me. It was like... training wheels... for choosing God. And those few months with him in the hospital... I will cherish those moments for the rest of my life. Night after night of hugs and tears... not knowing if this was the last night we'd ever spend together... saying everything we wanted to say "just in case". Those last few months taught me to live day by day and to make the most of everyday. Carpe diem. Make good choices.
Also had an interesting conversation with her that I'm really glad I got a chance to have. She's quite a chatty lady. She let it slip that she'd just lost her brother two weeks ago. She mentioned it and moved on really quickly as she was going over our nursing material. During break, I walked by her and I thought that maybe I'd check on her to see how she was handling her brother's passing. So I asked. Now that I think about it... it was pretty gutsy of me to ask. Really... I think Anderson would have said "who are you?". He always used to say that when I did something uncharacteristic of me. She said that she was doing OK. I gave her a hug. Again, "who am I?". That was that. I went to get a refill on my tea.
Later on in class, I was thinking about it... and I don't know what I was thinking in asking. What if she weren't OK? Was I prepared to handle an emotional breakdown right then and there in front of the entire class if she wasn't OK? No. I had asked already assuming that she'd say she was OK. And I had a thought... that I was horrible for even asking in such an inappropriate setting. So I thought about apologizing. I briefly considered how weird it'd be to "take it back", but I felt a little urge to apologize so I chose to do it. And I'm glad I did.
I just walked up to her and apologized for bringing up such a sensitive subject during break. She responded by telling me that she was glad that I asked because it shows that I care. And then it went back and forth and I told her about Anderson. She was shocked. She made me say it twice. And then she said that it was so interesting because someone else she knew just recently got diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. We had a really good chat about death, dying, coping, end of life care... she asked about my family and how we were handling it, I asked about hers. She told me that she was a touchy-feely person, just like me.
Woah there. Major "who are you?" moment. There are times in my life here and there where I've felt the urge to touch someone else... and usually when a woman is crying or about to cry... that's when it probably comes out the most. Sometimes when I feel like caring for someone but I don't have the words to... but in general... I'm not particularly touchy even though I scored really high on it on my love language test.
Anyway... I think... that entire conversation was just such a blessing. To connect with someone else in an unexpected way is always such a pleasant surprise. I told her that I was really glad I met her and she said the same. :) And to think, I would have missed out on that had I not followed that little inkling inside to ask how she was doing... and then to follow it again to apologize for asking in the first place. So I started thinking about... choices.
The whole of a day is made up of the sum of my choices. I don't even know it that statement makes any sense grammatically, but in my head, it makes sense. One choice leads me one way, which leads to more choices, which leads to more choices... each choice creates an entirely new pathway and the entire day basically ends up to be a result of the sum of my choices. I chose to wake up and not sleep in. I chose to take local instead of the freeway. I chose to eat a taco since it was taco tuesday... AND I chose to also eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich... which I also chose to make this morning. I chose to go to my orientation, I chose to talk to my instructor. My choices lead to actions which reveal what it is I'm choosing. My choices manifest in my actions.
And what did my choices reveal? Well, to my instructor, it revealed that I was caring... and apparently touchy-feely. How I choose to spend the rest of my time also is a reflection of my choices and what's important to me. It is important to me that I respond to people's emails so I spend a large chunk of time doing that everyday. It is also important that I eat... and what I choose to eat also reveals what's important to me. I chose lasagna for dinner. And while I waited for the lasagna to microwave... I did pushups against the counter... and I thought about choices. Now I'm writing about choices. I feel like I'm going in circles. OK. Making my point...
Now that I'm starting to work... I have a lot less leisure time so the choices I make matter more now because I have less time to work with. I think I should choose to exercise tonight. I'm forgetting my point but it's something about importance...
OH YEAH. LOL. Love and choices. Choices not only reveal what's important to you, but they also reveal what you love and what you value... and also whom you value. If I say that Anderson's important to me but I don't choose to make time to be with him, I don't choose to do the things that I know will make him happy... if he called and I chose not to pick up... those choices reveal what's really important to me... which if I made those types of choices... it means that me and what I want to do are more important than him in my life. I didn't falter when it came to spending time with him or picking up his phone calls or answering his emails... but I did choose to remain in school throughout his treatment. It wasn't until we found out that he had 6 months to live that I chose him over school and my career. Everyday I slept in the hospital room with him was a choice I made to choose him over my own comfort... over being outside... over chatting with my friends... and I was so glad that I chose him. Choosing him over me... was the best thing I could have done for him... and also for me. It was like... training wheels... for choosing God. And those few months with him in the hospital... I will cherish those moments for the rest of my life. Night after night of hugs and tears... not knowing if this was the last night we'd ever spend together... saying everything we wanted to say "just in case". Those last few months taught me to live day by day and to make the most of everyday. Carpe diem. Make good choices.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Day 214 - Changes cont.
Now that day 1 of orientation is done, I think I was being a little bit dramatic about the first day of work and lamenting over the loss of my student lifestyle. I feel like God's giving me another week to ease into the working world to appease my mourning heart.
I wish I had more excitement to report for my first day of work. Let's see... the most exciting things were that... there was free food, I made a few friends because I was friendly, chatty Tiff today (one girl even said that she wished that I was working the same shift with her... always nice to feel wanted), I learned some good ergonomic ways to sit, lift, and transfer patients, and... hm... well, I think the most exciting thing about today was getting my badge and parking pass.
I don't know why but actually having a badge with my name, my picture (and a pretty decent one at that), and my RN title... somehow makes me feel like a real nurse. I've been a nurse for almost a year now but the badge somehow solidified it for me. I was really really giddy when the HR lady handed it to me. The girls next to me were like laughing at me cuz I put it on to show them and I kept playing with it, stroking it, and flipping it over and over in my hands. I'M SO DORKY.
I didn't even want to put it away when I drove home. I sat my badge on the seat next to me. Looking at it makes me smile. I wonder why these stupid little things make me so happy. Has my threshold for happiness just gone so low that every little thing makes me happy? Whatever the reason, I'm really appreciative and really thankful and if that makes me happy and if I'm happier all the time, then who cares why.
It used to take a whole lot to get me excited. Hm. Actually, thinking back... I don't think I got excited for much of anything... except for when Alton Brown came to the OC Fair and when Anderson would come back from Brazil or hanging out with Anderson altogether. Those might have been the few things that would make me jump up and down with glee. Oh wait... that and having my sister-in-law take us to Wicked. Anderson didn't understand why I was so excited to see Wicked... until we went and then HE was like... Oh... I get it now.
I feel like I finally get it.
Every good and perfect gift is from above. EVERYTHING that's good is from God. The little things, the big things... all from God and I see them as God's gift to me. And to finally be in a place where I'm full... content with life... that I feel free to enjoy everything that life has to offer. To have joy when other people have joy... means that I'm NOT secretly wishing that I had what they had. I'm happy because they're happy. I'm happy because seeing them happy is what makes my heart smile. Is it perspective? Or a deep appreciation and thankfulness for what's in the glass and not for what's missing? Stuff just makes sense now. I know that it does and I feel that it does but it's sometimes hard to describe it.
There's stuff in this world, that when juxtaposed with eternity... really doesn't matter... but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it all just the same. All the good things and the joy just foreshadow the great goodness to come. And all the seemingly bad things... go to point out my sin, my weaknesses, and my dire need for reliance on my Savior. I'm trying to be more succinct. But I feel like I miss out on a lot of explanation. But then again, I should be studying EKG's and medications for tomorrow's test during orientation.
K... until next time...
I wish I had more excitement to report for my first day of work. Let's see... the most exciting things were that... there was free food, I made a few friends because I was friendly, chatty Tiff today (one girl even said that she wished that I was working the same shift with her... always nice to feel wanted), I learned some good ergonomic ways to sit, lift, and transfer patients, and... hm... well, I think the most exciting thing about today was getting my badge and parking pass.
I don't know why but actually having a badge with my name, my picture (and a pretty decent one at that), and my RN title... somehow makes me feel like a real nurse. I've been a nurse for almost a year now but the badge somehow solidified it for me. I was really really giddy when the HR lady handed it to me. The girls next to me were like laughing at me cuz I put it on to show them and I kept playing with it, stroking it, and flipping it over and over in my hands. I'M SO DORKY.
I didn't even want to put it away when I drove home. I sat my badge on the seat next to me. Looking at it makes me smile. I wonder why these stupid little things make me so happy. Has my threshold for happiness just gone so low that every little thing makes me happy? Whatever the reason, I'm really appreciative and really thankful and if that makes me happy and if I'm happier all the time, then who cares why.
It used to take a whole lot to get me excited. Hm. Actually, thinking back... I don't think I got excited for much of anything... except for when Alton Brown came to the OC Fair and when Anderson would come back from Brazil or hanging out with Anderson altogether. Those might have been the few things that would make me jump up and down with glee. Oh wait... that and having my sister-in-law take us to Wicked. Anderson didn't understand why I was so excited to see Wicked... until we went and then HE was like... Oh... I get it now.
I feel like I finally get it.
Every good and perfect gift is from above. EVERYTHING that's good is from God. The little things, the big things... all from God and I see them as God's gift to me. And to finally be in a place where I'm full... content with life... that I feel free to enjoy everything that life has to offer. To have joy when other people have joy... means that I'm NOT secretly wishing that I had what they had. I'm happy because they're happy. I'm happy because seeing them happy is what makes my heart smile. Is it perspective? Or a deep appreciation and thankfulness for what's in the glass and not for what's missing? Stuff just makes sense now. I know that it does and I feel that it does but it's sometimes hard to describe it.
There's stuff in this world, that when juxtaposed with eternity... really doesn't matter... but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it all just the same. All the good things and the joy just foreshadow the great goodness to come. And all the seemingly bad things... go to point out my sin, my weaknesses, and my dire need for reliance on my Savior. I'm trying to be more succinct. But I feel like I miss out on a lot of explanation. But then again, I should be studying EKG's and medications for tomorrow's test during orientation.
K... until next time...
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Day 213 - Changes
Tomorrow, the 22nd, will mark 7 months since Anderson's passing.
Tomorrow, the 22nd, will also mark the first day of my first nursing job.
I think I'm just being dramatic, but I'm seriously mourning the loss of my student lifestyle. After going to grad school almost right after undergrad, and then going straight into a nursing program afterwards... let's just say I'm ready to move on to another stage of my life, but I still appreciate the freedom and flexibility that being a full time student allows me. And all of that's going to change.
There've been lots of changes going on lately. Life's been pretty interesting, to say the least. Vibrant, perhaps.
I think one of the biggest changes has been... in my heart. I feel. I care. I care about people. I'm pretty fortunate to have so many people to care about and to care for. And I'm also pretty fortunate that my occupation is centered around caring for people as well. When I first started nursing school, I think I was more enamored with the fact that I was learning useful skills... practical skills... and I get to help people on the side. Now that I'm starting work, I feel thankful that I can primarily help people, not only through my useful, practical skills, but also care for them with a love that I've never known before. Basically, I'll be caring for people at work, caring for people when I'm not at work... I'm caring for people all the time and that makes me really happy to have so many opportunities to care.
This is so different than who I was before. Really. I didn't used to care for all that many people. Nothing much moved me... and the word "empathy" really didn't mean much of anything because I didn't empathize with hardly anyone. It was me in my world. And maybe Anderson too. To joy with someone else's joy? To hurt with someone else's hurt? It's almost as if my heart were cold and callous because it didn't feel much of anything. I had to force myself to care. Not so much now. Nowadays, stuff kinda just... overflows. It's not only that I have more love to give, but also that I have eyes that see where to give as well. My vision isn't perfect, but it's a lot more clear than it was before. Changes.
Another big change is... that I have a whole lot more to say nowadays. Anderson always used to tell me that I don't talk enough. I went back and read my blog post right before his memorial service and I wrote, in all honesty, "I'm not a talker". And it was true. What I appreciated about Anderson was that he knew and understood my heart... and he could speak for me when I couldn't speak for myself. Nowadays... I could probably spend an average of 1.5-2 hours talking with someone, then spend another 2 hours talking to someone else... and then another 2 hours talking to someone else. The other day, I met up with a friend and pretty much talked for 3.5 hours straight. The sun set as I was talking. I was telling another friend that I couldn't believe I just spent 3.5 hours talking to someone, and she said "I believe it". Hm, imagine that. When did I get so chatty?
There's just so much more to talk about now. I have thoughts I've never thought before. I have an understanding of God, myself and life that I've never had before. Every single day, there's new adventures and new blessings. My heart smiles for things I never took the time to notice before. Life just makes sense now. Life has a purpose, a direction... and I have a lot of peace about that.
I never would have thought that I'd be a happier, more peaceful, more content person after the death of my husband. I was that girl who went into such a depression after breaking up with my first boyfriend that I lost 20 pounds in a month because I wouldn't eat. Just a break up. Not even the death of my husband, the love of my life. This happiness, peace, and contentment... is definitely not characteristic of me. If you had tried to describe me now to my younger self, I would have said that you were lying. It was impossible for me to have joy or passion... that was something that other people were born with but not me. Our God is the God of the impossible and who I am today... is a testimony of what impossibly wonderful things He can do in terribly boring and imperfect people like me.
I don't chat it up with everyone though. I don't know why sometimes the floodgates open and why sometimes they're closed. Hm. Like right now, they're closing... because...I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go to bed. Hafta wake up kind of early tomorrow. Will continue thoughts later. Maybe tomorrow. Night!
Tomorrow, the 22nd, will also mark the first day of my first nursing job.
I think I'm just being dramatic, but I'm seriously mourning the loss of my student lifestyle. After going to grad school almost right after undergrad, and then going straight into a nursing program afterwards... let's just say I'm ready to move on to another stage of my life, but I still appreciate the freedom and flexibility that being a full time student allows me. And all of that's going to change.
There've been lots of changes going on lately. Life's been pretty interesting, to say the least. Vibrant, perhaps.
I think one of the biggest changes has been... in my heart. I feel. I care. I care about people. I'm pretty fortunate to have so many people to care about and to care for. And I'm also pretty fortunate that my occupation is centered around caring for people as well. When I first started nursing school, I think I was more enamored with the fact that I was learning useful skills... practical skills... and I get to help people on the side. Now that I'm starting work, I feel thankful that I can primarily help people, not only through my useful, practical skills, but also care for them with a love that I've never known before. Basically, I'll be caring for people at work, caring for people when I'm not at work... I'm caring for people all the time and that makes me really happy to have so many opportunities to care.
This is so different than who I was before. Really. I didn't used to care for all that many people. Nothing much moved me... and the word "empathy" really didn't mean much of anything because I didn't empathize with hardly anyone. It was me in my world. And maybe Anderson too. To joy with someone else's joy? To hurt with someone else's hurt? It's almost as if my heart were cold and callous because it didn't feel much of anything. I had to force myself to care. Not so much now. Nowadays, stuff kinda just... overflows. It's not only that I have more love to give, but also that I have eyes that see where to give as well. My vision isn't perfect, but it's a lot more clear than it was before. Changes.
Another big change is... that I have a whole lot more to say nowadays. Anderson always used to tell me that I don't talk enough. I went back and read my blog post right before his memorial service and I wrote, in all honesty, "I'm not a talker". And it was true. What I appreciated about Anderson was that he knew and understood my heart... and he could speak for me when I couldn't speak for myself. Nowadays... I could probably spend an average of 1.5-2 hours talking with someone, then spend another 2 hours talking to someone else... and then another 2 hours talking to someone else. The other day, I met up with a friend and pretty much talked for 3.5 hours straight. The sun set as I was talking. I was telling another friend that I couldn't believe I just spent 3.5 hours talking to someone, and she said "I believe it". Hm, imagine that. When did I get so chatty?
There's just so much more to talk about now. I have thoughts I've never thought before. I have an understanding of God, myself and life that I've never had before. Every single day, there's new adventures and new blessings. My heart smiles for things I never took the time to notice before. Life just makes sense now. Life has a purpose, a direction... and I have a lot of peace about that.
I never would have thought that I'd be a happier, more peaceful, more content person after the death of my husband. I was that girl who went into such a depression after breaking up with my first boyfriend that I lost 20 pounds in a month because I wouldn't eat. Just a break up. Not even the death of my husband, the love of my life. This happiness, peace, and contentment... is definitely not characteristic of me. If you had tried to describe me now to my younger self, I would have said that you were lying. It was impossible for me to have joy or passion... that was something that other people were born with but not me. Our God is the God of the impossible and who I am today... is a testimony of what impossibly wonderful things He can do in terribly boring and imperfect people like me.
Oh my words could not tell, not even in part
Of the debt of love that is owed by this thankful heart.
I don't chat it up with everyone though. I don't know why sometimes the floodgates open and why sometimes they're closed. Hm. Like right now, they're closing... because...I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go to bed. Hafta wake up kind of early tomorrow. Will continue thoughts later. Maybe tomorrow. Night!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Day 209 - reaching for his hand
I didn't realize I used to do this until he told me, but Anderson told me that he loved the way that my hand would automatically search for his when we'd be sleeping at night. He said that when my hand found his, I'd interlock our fingers and then I'd stop moving and continue sleeping. I really don't remember searching for his hand under the blankets while we slept, but I can understand why I used to do this.
I had always had a hard time sleeping. I used to like falling asleep to the noise of the TV. Sometimes I'd just put a movie on and fall asleep to it. One of my favorite movies to sleep to was March of the Penguins or any commentary. The sound of people's voices helped me sleep. Maybe I didn't like sleeping alone. I'm not sure. And maybe I had a lot less stress while I was in Texas, but sleeping in the same bed with Anderson was some of the best sleep of my life. And for some reason, I was the only person who felt comfortable enough to sleep with Anderson in the hospital room. My dad tried doing it once... my dad can sleep ANYWHERE, but he couldn't sleep at the hospital.
Yesterday morning I woke up from a semi-bad dream and I felt sad. No Anderson. No hand to hold. I miss having someone there with me when I wake up, especially after a bad dream. And I'm really affected by my dreams. They're so real to me that I sometimes wake up emotionally affected by them. Yesterday was one of those days.
I dreamt yesterday that I was being hunted. I had a gun. I was being hunted by 2 women. We had one of those rolling-on-the-floor gun fights in a parking lot. I did some pretty good slow-mo tumbling and got some direct hits to the middle of their chests... to their foreheads... KILLS! But they didn't die. They kept coming and I was out of bullets so I had to run. Since we were in a parking lot I decided to run between the cars so I wouldn't be such an easy target. And then I got tired of running so I hid inside a car and pretended I was sleeping. They actually found me but they didn't recognize me because they couldn't tell one Asian apart from the next. I dunno what kind of hitwomen they were if they couldn't even recognize their mark. Oh well. I got away. That time.
Next phase of the dream... I was driving a large 18-passenger van through a very scary neighborhood. There were lots of children in the van... some babies. A mom was in the van too but she refused to believe that we were in any danger. She wanted to go stop and get Mexican food. i told her NO, stay in the car... we were waiting for 2 friends to come out of a building and we should be ready in front of the building with the engine running so they could make a quick getaway. She REALLY wanted Mexican food! So I was driving around trying to find Mexican food for her. While I was driving around, the big boss, who hired the 2 hitwomen, saw me and started talking to me. He didn't threaten me. He actually tried to smooth talk me into going to work for him. He told me that I would have security and safety... I could have this big bank account in the Caymans for free... all I had to do was sign and work for him. I said no thanks and tried to drive back to the building. As I was driving away, I remember feeling tempted...he was still calling out to me as I drove away but I'm glad I said no. You don't make deals with the big boss of evil... no matter how tempting it seems at the time.
And I still remember feeling the need to reload my gun. I had a fanny pack type thing and I was searching for bullets. I found batteries. No bullets. ARGH. Unprotected with a van full of kids and babies and a crazy mom who wants Mexican food in the middle of a dangerous neighborhood.
I have my theories as to what this dream is telling me. I'm not sure but I think that my physical exhaustion is making me feel spent. I'm empty. No bullets. Tired of running, wanting to hide but knowing I need to reload. I'm also not sure but I think the van full of kids and babies... represent the people that I'm caring for... the people I'm trying to protect. And I'm pretty sure that the big boss is trying to tempt me with the things that would provide me worldly security... he's sweet-talking me into giving in to his offer, but I'm resisting... and yet he's still calling to me even as I resist. I woke up and I cried. And then I decided that I needed to spend the day (yesterday) recharging and reloading. I needed to rest.
I spend a lot of time nowadays thinking about how I am, how I used to be... how much I've changed, how much of me has stayed the same. I read something last week that really touched me. I'm not allowed to quote it but I'll paraphrase it. When I die to myself and choose God's way, I'm not losing myself, my individuality, or any part of my personality. Dying to myself and choosing God is actually releasing me from my self-centeredness and the bondage of sin and allowing me and my personality to develop into what God had created it to be... in His image. I become a better version of myself... the version that God intended me to be. I'm still me, but I'm a more joyful me... a more peaceful me... a more loving me. All my strengths are magnified and my weaknesses strengthened. It's like upgrading myself... the new and improved version.
My own personality... is constantly striving. Constantly doing and constantly looking for ways to do it better. I usually don't do anything mindlessly. I usually analyze it and look for ways to streamline and make it simpler, more efficient, cleaner, streamlined. I say usually because it doesn't always apply, but more often than not if I could have my way, I would do it this way. One of my old dream jobs would have been product testing and development for kitchen supplies and household appliances. It would have made me really happy to test items for form and function, to compare them, and then to tell people which one is better... and possibly also help design a product that works even better than the old one. That would really excite me. :)
I think... this striving for something better... maybe even for excellence... is why I appreciate God so much. I see, especially in Leviticus and Numbers, how God is so intentional. Everything He plans is so strategic, so perfectly balanced and positioned, with symbolism and function... every person has their unique role in the grand scheme of Israel and the Tabernacle... one person's gift is another person's sustenance or tool... and God thought of everything in the design. There is no flaw, no need for improvement. It is perfection. No excess, nothing lacking, no fat to skim off the top... it is perfection.
His ways are so much higher than ours. In aspiring to be more like God... it totally fits my personality in striving for the best... to be the best. I've even chosen the best God... the One that makes the most sense to me, the most fair, the most gracious and loving, the One who never makes mistakes, never fails. Following Christ never needs to be updated to better relate to the masses... man-made religions need to be updated now and then... because they're flawed.
Following Christ is for the young and old, weak and strong, for all personalities, for all of humankind. None are excluded...beginning of life to the end of life... God loves and desires ALL. Not for our utility or form or function... He desires US. You and me. He desires our hearts... a relationship with us. Our purpose here on earth... is to choose Him or not. When we choose Him here, He gives us a glimpse of what a perfect relationship with Him is like. Glorious, bountiful, abundant, vibrant life... a life that overflows... energy and joy pulsing through every fiber of my being... and the closest thing to that on earth is probably romantic love. God used Anderson and my love for each other to give me a little glimpse of what it feels like to love and to be loved... to point me to His love for me. How beautiful the ways He helps me understand. The time and patience He took to wait for me to see that He is the ultimate excellence that I've been searching for my whole life. The energy that never diminishes, the wisdom that never is outdated, a goodness that never falters, a love that never EVER fades... forever and ever. Ultimate.
And yet... I keep wanting to look for other things too. God blesses me with the perks of being with Him and I tend to want to value the perks and enjoy the gifts... and ignore the giver. I'm so ungrateful sometimes. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. It's like my default setting... to want to be and pursue the dysfunctional.
Even doing the things I should be doing... when I do them without the motivation of love... it's meaningless. Even the good things... like meeting up with people, chatting, sharing life... these things that bring me much joy... sometimes can start to feel like a burden. I'm tempted to feel that since I'm burdened, I shouldn't do it at all because there's no love there. But instead of giving up and opting not to do it at all if there's no love behind it... I'm just going to postpone it for a bit. In the meantime I am searching for reasons why I feel compelled to do stuff even without love... and it's just me pushing myself to DO it. It's my personality driving me... towards doing... towards legalism. It's a very strong force within me and it's such a fine line between joy and obligation... between serving out of the overflow of my heart and serving without first being filled. Outwardly, it looks the same to anyone else... but I know... and God knows.
So... feeling drained... feeling tired... a little low and almost running on empty. It's time to stop. Be still and know that He is God. Recharge. I need to go find my bullets and reload. Everything and everyone else can wait... for today at least. I'm recharging. (I wrote this yesterday in my journal... was too tired to post it yesterday... opted to sleep instead)
I know this is a pretty long one and it's a lot less fun than my last post... but I do want to continue and share about my recharging process yesterday and today.
Me, being the overly ambitious planner that I am... had booked this entire week with activities. Some things had been planned for over a month. Didn't want to cancel stuff but at the same time, I wasn't in the mood. But... well... first things first... I decided to put God first. Spend time with him in the morning instead of just rushing out of the house. So I decided to be late to my first hangout on Tuesday... my friend was totally gracious. We went biking. We biked to campus and then worked out at the gym... then biked back. I got an email that morning that I should stop by HR and pick up my forms to get my physical done for my job (starting next week btw). So I drove to the hospital... took my bike off the rack, put the rack in my trunk and biked to the hospital. Got my forms... found out I could just get the physical done right then and there. So I biked the few blocks to the clinic place or whatever. Got my physical done. My next hangout was scheduled around that time but my other friend graciously rescheduled for the next day so I could get my physical done. Getting things done really relaxes me. I was really really glad to be able to get my physical done and I actually find biking really relaxing. Something about the wind blowing in my face... is liberating. I really enjoy just biking slowly and basking in the sunlight and gentle wind. It makes my heart smile. :)
And I got to spend the rest of the day taking care of things like laundry and taking out the trash and talking to people from home by phone, by email, by gchat, by fb. It made me really happy to just be home and get things done. I also did my BSF homework. One of the questions was to look up a set of passages that talk about Jesus's return. One of the passages was from 1 Thes. 4
The question asked to choose one of the passages that has significant meaning for me. I chose this one. I've thought about this before... a while ago...when I was thinking about Anderson and our reunion... our date in the clouds. I close my eyes and I can imagine him... floating there... looking for me and waiting with his open hand stretched downward. And I will rise up with my arm stretched upward... our hands will meet, interlock, and we will go up and be with our Lord together, hand in hand... forever and ever.
It warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes. It still does even writing about it now. It's always a good day when I cry. It reminded me of my longing for eternity and the promise of eternity spent in joy and fellowship with God and with those whom I love and especially with my Anderson... my bestest best friend... the man of the dreams I didn't even know to dream yet. Our 6 years together and our 6 beautiful months in holy matrimony will pale in comparison to the glory of the eternity we will spend together in heaven with the Lover of our souls.
Recharged. Ultimate awesomeness.
I had always had a hard time sleeping. I used to like falling asleep to the noise of the TV. Sometimes I'd just put a movie on and fall asleep to it. One of my favorite movies to sleep to was March of the Penguins or any commentary. The sound of people's voices helped me sleep. Maybe I didn't like sleeping alone. I'm not sure. And maybe I had a lot less stress while I was in Texas, but sleeping in the same bed with Anderson was some of the best sleep of my life. And for some reason, I was the only person who felt comfortable enough to sleep with Anderson in the hospital room. My dad tried doing it once... my dad can sleep ANYWHERE, but he couldn't sleep at the hospital.
Yesterday morning I woke up from a semi-bad dream and I felt sad. No Anderson. No hand to hold. I miss having someone there with me when I wake up, especially after a bad dream. And I'm really affected by my dreams. They're so real to me that I sometimes wake up emotionally affected by them. Yesterday was one of those days.
I dreamt yesterday that I was being hunted. I had a gun. I was being hunted by 2 women. We had one of those rolling-on-the-floor gun fights in a parking lot. I did some pretty good slow-mo tumbling and got some direct hits to the middle of their chests... to their foreheads... KILLS! But they didn't die. They kept coming and I was out of bullets so I had to run. Since we were in a parking lot I decided to run between the cars so I wouldn't be such an easy target. And then I got tired of running so I hid inside a car and pretended I was sleeping. They actually found me but they didn't recognize me because they couldn't tell one Asian apart from the next. I dunno what kind of hitwomen they were if they couldn't even recognize their mark. Oh well. I got away. That time.
Next phase of the dream... I was driving a large 18-passenger van through a very scary neighborhood. There were lots of children in the van... some babies. A mom was in the van too but she refused to believe that we were in any danger. She wanted to go stop and get Mexican food. i told her NO, stay in the car... we were waiting for 2 friends to come out of a building and we should be ready in front of the building with the engine running so they could make a quick getaway. She REALLY wanted Mexican food! So I was driving around trying to find Mexican food for her. While I was driving around, the big boss, who hired the 2 hitwomen, saw me and started talking to me. He didn't threaten me. He actually tried to smooth talk me into going to work for him. He told me that I would have security and safety... I could have this big bank account in the Caymans for free... all I had to do was sign and work for him. I said no thanks and tried to drive back to the building. As I was driving away, I remember feeling tempted...he was still calling out to me as I drove away but I'm glad I said no. You don't make deals with the big boss of evil... no matter how tempting it seems at the time.
And I still remember feeling the need to reload my gun. I had a fanny pack type thing and I was searching for bullets. I found batteries. No bullets. ARGH. Unprotected with a van full of kids and babies and a crazy mom who wants Mexican food in the middle of a dangerous neighborhood.
I have my theories as to what this dream is telling me. I'm not sure but I think that my physical exhaustion is making me feel spent. I'm empty. No bullets. Tired of running, wanting to hide but knowing I need to reload. I'm also not sure but I think the van full of kids and babies... represent the people that I'm caring for... the people I'm trying to protect. And I'm pretty sure that the big boss is trying to tempt me with the things that would provide me worldly security... he's sweet-talking me into giving in to his offer, but I'm resisting... and yet he's still calling to me even as I resist. I woke up and I cried. And then I decided that I needed to spend the day (yesterday) recharging and reloading. I needed to rest.
I spend a lot of time nowadays thinking about how I am, how I used to be... how much I've changed, how much of me has stayed the same. I read something last week that really touched me. I'm not allowed to quote it but I'll paraphrase it. When I die to myself and choose God's way, I'm not losing myself, my individuality, or any part of my personality. Dying to myself and choosing God is actually releasing me from my self-centeredness and the bondage of sin and allowing me and my personality to develop into what God had created it to be... in His image. I become a better version of myself... the version that God intended me to be. I'm still me, but I'm a more joyful me... a more peaceful me... a more loving me. All my strengths are magnified and my weaknesses strengthened. It's like upgrading myself... the new and improved version.
My own personality... is constantly striving. Constantly doing and constantly looking for ways to do it better. I usually don't do anything mindlessly. I usually analyze it and look for ways to streamline and make it simpler, more efficient, cleaner, streamlined. I say usually because it doesn't always apply, but more often than not if I could have my way, I would do it this way. One of my old dream jobs would have been product testing and development for kitchen supplies and household appliances. It would have made me really happy to test items for form and function, to compare them, and then to tell people which one is better... and possibly also help design a product that works even better than the old one. That would really excite me. :)
I think... this striving for something better... maybe even for excellence... is why I appreciate God so much. I see, especially in Leviticus and Numbers, how God is so intentional. Everything He plans is so strategic, so perfectly balanced and positioned, with symbolism and function... every person has their unique role in the grand scheme of Israel and the Tabernacle... one person's gift is another person's sustenance or tool... and God thought of everything in the design. There is no flaw, no need for improvement. It is perfection. No excess, nothing lacking, no fat to skim off the top... it is perfection.
His ways are so much higher than ours. In aspiring to be more like God... it totally fits my personality in striving for the best... to be the best. I've even chosen the best God... the One that makes the most sense to me, the most fair, the most gracious and loving, the One who never makes mistakes, never fails. Following Christ never needs to be updated to better relate to the masses... man-made religions need to be updated now and then... because they're flawed.
Following Christ is for the young and old, weak and strong, for all personalities, for all of humankind. None are excluded...beginning of life to the end of life... God loves and desires ALL. Not for our utility or form or function... He desires US. You and me. He desires our hearts... a relationship with us. Our purpose here on earth... is to choose Him or not. When we choose Him here, He gives us a glimpse of what a perfect relationship with Him is like. Glorious, bountiful, abundant, vibrant life... a life that overflows... energy and joy pulsing through every fiber of my being... and the closest thing to that on earth is probably romantic love. God used Anderson and my love for each other to give me a little glimpse of what it feels like to love and to be loved... to point me to His love for me. How beautiful the ways He helps me understand. The time and patience He took to wait for me to see that He is the ultimate excellence that I've been searching for my whole life. The energy that never diminishes, the wisdom that never is outdated, a goodness that never falters, a love that never EVER fades... forever and ever. Ultimate.
And yet... I keep wanting to look for other things too. God blesses me with the perks of being with Him and I tend to want to value the perks and enjoy the gifts... and ignore the giver. I'm so ungrateful sometimes. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. It's like my default setting... to want to be and pursue the dysfunctional.
Even doing the things I should be doing... when I do them without the motivation of love... it's meaningless. Even the good things... like meeting up with people, chatting, sharing life... these things that bring me much joy... sometimes can start to feel like a burden. I'm tempted to feel that since I'm burdened, I shouldn't do it at all because there's no love there. But instead of giving up and opting not to do it at all if there's no love behind it... I'm just going to postpone it for a bit. In the meantime I am searching for reasons why I feel compelled to do stuff even without love... and it's just me pushing myself to DO it. It's my personality driving me... towards doing... towards legalism. It's a very strong force within me and it's such a fine line between joy and obligation... between serving out of the overflow of my heart and serving without first being filled. Outwardly, it looks the same to anyone else... but I know... and God knows.
So... feeling drained... feeling tired... a little low and almost running on empty. It's time to stop. Be still and know that He is God. Recharge. I need to go find my bullets and reload. Everything and everyone else can wait... for today at least. I'm recharging. (I wrote this yesterday in my journal... was too tired to post it yesterday... opted to sleep instead)
I know this is a pretty long one and it's a lot less fun than my last post... but I do want to continue and share about my recharging process yesterday and today.
Me, being the overly ambitious planner that I am... had booked this entire week with activities. Some things had been planned for over a month. Didn't want to cancel stuff but at the same time, I wasn't in the mood. But... well... first things first... I decided to put God first. Spend time with him in the morning instead of just rushing out of the house. So I decided to be late to my first hangout on Tuesday... my friend was totally gracious. We went biking. We biked to campus and then worked out at the gym... then biked back. I got an email that morning that I should stop by HR and pick up my forms to get my physical done for my job (starting next week btw). So I drove to the hospital... took my bike off the rack, put the rack in my trunk and biked to the hospital. Got my forms... found out I could just get the physical done right then and there. So I biked the few blocks to the clinic place or whatever. Got my physical done. My next hangout was scheduled around that time but my other friend graciously rescheduled for the next day so I could get my physical done. Getting things done really relaxes me. I was really really glad to be able to get my physical done and I actually find biking really relaxing. Something about the wind blowing in my face... is liberating. I really enjoy just biking slowly and basking in the sunlight and gentle wind. It makes my heart smile. :)
And I got to spend the rest of the day taking care of things like laundry and taking out the trash and talking to people from home by phone, by email, by gchat, by fb. It made me really happy to just be home and get things done. I also did my BSF homework. One of the questions was to look up a set of passages that talk about Jesus's return. One of the passages was from 1 Thes. 4
1 Thes 4:16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.
The question asked to choose one of the passages that has significant meaning for me. I chose this one. I've thought about this before... a while ago...when I was thinking about Anderson and our reunion... our date in the clouds. I close my eyes and I can imagine him... floating there... looking for me and waiting with his open hand stretched downward. And I will rise up with my arm stretched upward... our hands will meet, interlock, and we will go up and be with our Lord together, hand in hand... forever and ever.
It warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes. It still does even writing about it now. It's always a good day when I cry. It reminded me of my longing for eternity and the promise of eternity spent in joy and fellowship with God and with those whom I love and especially with my Anderson... my bestest best friend... the man of the dreams I didn't even know to dream yet. Our 6 years together and our 6 beautiful months in holy matrimony will pale in comparison to the glory of the eternity we will spend together in heaven with the Lover of our souls.
Recharged. Ultimate awesomeness.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Day 206 - Harvest is plentiful
I'm not sure what I'm going to write about, but I know that I want to write. My brain is pretty devoid of thoughts, but my heart is full of feelings. I'll try. Here goes:
I spent the weekend at Harvest San Diego's women's retreat. I'm completely and utterly exhausted and yet so full. Full of smiles, full of love... I'm really really happy. :) I also grew two volcanic zits this weekend which I've been hiding underneath my bangs. Anyway... getting off topic...
Seeing as this was my very first speaking engagement, I didn't really know what to expect. I've been to only one women's retreat. The speaker at that retreat was really good. She taught us about praying directly to the names of God. I don't remember anything else she said, but I do remember feeling awe and wonderment at her scholarly ability to teach... and keep my attention for multiple messages. She was a very... distinguished lady... and I admired her wisdom and her speaking proficiency greatly. Seeing as that was my only experience from women's retreat... I really didn't want to be compared to someone like that. I'd written before that I went back and forth between being really excited and being really freaked out. I've been talking to my friends about our "freak-outs" and we decided that "freak-outs" meant that we needed to take a time out and do a faith check. Freak out = faith check. Thinking back to a few days ago, I think the predominant feeling I had was... inadequacy.
I was asked to speak at the retreat about a month ago. I think I have a problem with saying yes before counting the cost. I really don't even know what I was thinking when I agreed. But since then, God's been working on me... in me... challenging me as I stepped out of my comfort zone and moved from writing about God's love for me to actually speaking about it to a bunch of strangers. And what a lovely bunch of strangers too.
I don't know if I was born this way or if I became this way... but I've spent the majority of my life deeply introverted. That sounds weird. According to Myers-Briggs, I was a strongly expressed introvert... an INTJ. I always came out an INTJ (Mastermind). I took the test again in November 2009 and came out an ENFJ (Teacher). I took it again just now out of curiosity and today I'm an ISFJ (Protector). WHAT in the world is going on with me?
Anyway, so I journaled a bit prior to my first speaking session. I wrote that I was feeling inadequate and emotional. I was full of fear... and about to be full of tears. I went out and found Praise and sitting next to her was a lovely lady who wanted to introduce herself to me. I feel really bad about it now but I think I said hi and then I burst into tears. I was feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by my own inadequacy... overwhelmed by the HORDES of women flooding into the house with every passing minute. 50+ women. Strangers. SCARY!
I'm thankful for friends, prayer, and support. Praise was really instrumental in keeping me sane this weekend... especially at the beginning when I was freaking out the most. Despite being sick and having lots of homework to do, she really showed her love to me by putting aside herself and putting me first. She wrote me encouragement cards for every day of retreat. :) She hugged me when I needed it. She prayed with me a lot too. Thank you, Praisy. I never got to help you with your chem homework! SO sorry!
As time went on though... the fear melted away. I'm so blessed that this was a wonderful group of women and not a rough crowd. These women are not afraid to laugh... thank God. With every passing message... I didn't see scariness anymore... I saw smiling faces. I felt the warmth of sisterly love emanating from each woman and multiplying the more time they spent together. The women of Harvest are so beautiful... there is so much love, so much joy... plenty. Harvest is plentiful.
Some of you had asked me to share with you my retreat messages. There's a whole huge story behind those too... I'm too tired to write about it now. I'll just share the titles and the gist.
Sharing #1: brief overview of my testimony based mostly on my 1400 word article for Inheritance Magazine. It helped... to have a brief version. I also cried a lot during this one. When I cry, I can't read what I wrote... so I went off on tangents here and there. I have no record of my tangents, nor much recollection of what comes out of my mouth when I cry.
Sharing #2: God loves us. I shared some from what I wrote about Lavish Love (Day 98 - October 2009) a while back... Anderson loves me and my boogers... Hosea and Gomer... made a Twilight reference about imprinting (thanks Laura Bear...)... and I think what some people might remember about this one was... that I said to "stalk God" (thanks Stacy). A small point, but somehow a memorable one.
Sharing #2: Loving God. Subtitle: boys ruin my life. Reference Death by Boys (Day 123 - November 2009). I scrapped my entire sharing prep for this one. I decided to rewrite the intro during free time and then I shared with them... things which shall not be mentioned on this blog nor on my fb notes. But basically that my fleshly nature is to sin and desire sin... loving God means dying to myself and choosing Him... not just saying it, but actually making choices which show Him that I choose Him. Greater love has no man than this... that a man lay down his life for his friends. Laying down my life is my greatest act of love to God. I think that's how this one went. I needed Praise to keep me on track. I also have no record of what I said here... but I think they really liked this one. Very relatable, I think was the consensus. Someone thanked me for keeping it real.
Sharing #3: Loving Others. The proper order is that God loves us, we love God, and THEN we love others out of the overflow of God's love in our hearts. It made me really happy to hear a few ladies repeat our retreat theme in their sharing. It's so joyous to hear that people paid attention. LOL. I actually think that half the girls were asleep during this one. I know that one room overslept the entire message. :P Man... I wished I could have slept a little longer. I opened my eyes this morning and groaned... I had to get up and speak in 30 minutes. In 30 minutes... I brushed my teeth, washed my face... no time to comb hair... got dressed... couldn't do full on devotions so I opted to go for just my Romans reading... so I read it aloud so that Praise and I could get some Word in the morning. Then we prayed... sang some songs... and it was time to share. Craziness. I shared about my "taking out the trash" analogy, about Beatrice, Praise and Christi as my little sisters, Praise shared about it from her side, and I ended with sharing about the feeding of the 5000 from Mark 14. How Jesus put aside his own grieving, looked up and saw the crowd and had compassion on them, how we tell Jesus to send the people away so they can get something to eat, but Jesus asks to bring Him what we have (which is not even enough for ourselves), He takes it, blesses it, gives it back to us, and asks that we give them bread. The bread is not our own. We are to give it, in faith, that God will replenish it... and keep on giving. And then when people are satisfied, pick up the leftovers because there is no waste. Absolutely none.
Small Groups - I asked to be put into a small group. I wondered if it would be a bad thing... or a good one. A bad one possibly because people might not want to share when the speaker's in their group... but I think it went OK. I was really really blessed by getting a chance to talk to 4 lovely ladies. AND my group name was Dole Whip. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DOLE WHIPS. Anyone who's been to Disneyland with me knows... every single time. I think God does these little things to make me smile and remind me that He's totally in control and He loves to send me little love notes like this one. Dole Whips. My FAVE. I kinda wish that I could have listened in on everyone's small group. I got to hear bits and pieces of some conversations from time to time and they all sounded like such awesome sharing! I also think it's fascinating what stands out to people from a message. It's sometimes NOT what I intended... but I think it's fascinating nonetheless. For example...
I made a reference to the fruit of the Spirit... and how all my life I'd been trying to conjure the fruit on my own. I tried to be more loving, I tried to be joyful... tried to have peace... to be kind, good... self-controlled and always... failure. I looked at it absolutely wrong my whole life. You don't try to conjure the fruit. You cultivate the tree and the fruit will grow on its own... naturally. You don't aim for the fruit... the fruit is just the sign of life.... that the Spirit-tree is growing inside you... go for the tree. I guess this one was particularly memorable. I heard it mentioned a few times.
Speaking of trees... the prayer tree! I'd just mentioned it briefly to Natalie and she went and made a prayer tree! It's so amazing to see an idea come to fruition... as something tangible. And then to see people use it! That they were praying for each other... and each tally mark showed that they were being prayed for! I hope these leaves turn into praises as the prayers are answered.
And the Thot Spots... they were so so cute! I gave her the questions, showed her a picture of something I'd made before in the past and Natalie created these beautiful little booklets of response/application questions for the women to write down their thoughts. Even to see people go through the questions... the questions are ones that I ask myself everyday. It's so exciting to see people thinking about these questions... writing their answers... and someone even shared with me. I was the person they wanted to tell about their thoughts! My heart was bursting to see people use these tools. Joy. Utter joy.
And the questions. I got asked a lot of questions. One girl was so cute... she asked if it was OK to ask me a question... and then she said... man, it's like I'm asking you out on a date... LOL. So so cute. :) On Saturday night, I felt like there open seats around me and every now and then someone would come sit in it, ask a question, more people would come, some would go away... more would come. I'm so thankful that they found me so accessible and not intimidating or scary like how I'd grown accustomed to being treated most of my life. And I love the questions. I love the hearts from which these questions arose. I love the silly questions, I love the curiosity... I love hearing how they yearn for healing, they yearn for wisdom, they yearn for God and to know more and more about Him. This is beauteous.
I love the questions. Keep on asking. Ask me, ask each other... ask God. Ask it of God who gives freely... just don't doubt Him. That's from James, I'm pretty sure.
Man, I wish I had the time this weekend to talk to everyone. I'm so yearning to pick up the conversations that I started... I want to hear about your stories... I want to hear about how God's answered your prayers... how God spoke to you... what it means to you and your life... I want to hear how your situations went... let's talk about boys, about being control freaks, about google documents and nazi accountability, about the future, about husbands, about submission, about Kentucky, about food, about farting and roughage, about jobs and being housewives, about weddings, about HSM and Twilight (but I'd much rather talk about HP instead)... let's talk about anything! I'm tired of talking... I want to listen... I want to hear your thoughts!
I came home utterly exhausted. I took a nap in my lovely cloud of a bed. I woke up groggy and I was a little bit sad. I miss my new friends. I even miss the sound of your chatter and laughter which kept me up at night. I couldn't imagine a better way to spend my Valentine's weekend... it was so, so loverly. Thank you. :) Hope to catch up with you all soon...
I spent the weekend at Harvest San Diego's women's retreat. I'm completely and utterly exhausted and yet so full. Full of smiles, full of love... I'm really really happy. :) I also grew two volcanic zits this weekend which I've been hiding underneath my bangs. Anyway... getting off topic...
Seeing as this was my very first speaking engagement, I didn't really know what to expect. I've been to only one women's retreat. The speaker at that retreat was really good. She taught us about praying directly to the names of God. I don't remember anything else she said, but I do remember feeling awe and wonderment at her scholarly ability to teach... and keep my attention for multiple messages. She was a very... distinguished lady... and I admired her wisdom and her speaking proficiency greatly. Seeing as that was my only experience from women's retreat... I really didn't want to be compared to someone like that. I'd written before that I went back and forth between being really excited and being really freaked out. I've been talking to my friends about our "freak-outs" and we decided that "freak-outs" meant that we needed to take a time out and do a faith check. Freak out = faith check. Thinking back to a few days ago, I think the predominant feeling I had was... inadequacy.
I was asked to speak at the retreat about a month ago. I think I have a problem with saying yes before counting the cost. I really don't even know what I was thinking when I agreed. But since then, God's been working on me... in me... challenging me as I stepped out of my comfort zone and moved from writing about God's love for me to actually speaking about it to a bunch of strangers. And what a lovely bunch of strangers too.
I don't know if I was born this way or if I became this way... but I've spent the majority of my life deeply introverted. That sounds weird. According to Myers-Briggs, I was a strongly expressed introvert... an INTJ. I always came out an INTJ (Mastermind). I took the test again in November 2009 and came out an ENFJ (Teacher). I took it again just now out of curiosity and today I'm an ISFJ (Protector). WHAT in the world is going on with me?
Anyway, so I journaled a bit prior to my first speaking session. I wrote that I was feeling inadequate and emotional. I was full of fear... and about to be full of tears. I went out and found Praise and sitting next to her was a lovely lady who wanted to introduce herself to me. I feel really bad about it now but I think I said hi and then I burst into tears. I was feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by my own inadequacy... overwhelmed by the HORDES of women flooding into the house with every passing minute. 50+ women. Strangers. SCARY!
I'm thankful for friends, prayer, and support. Praise was really instrumental in keeping me sane this weekend... especially at the beginning when I was freaking out the most. Despite being sick and having lots of homework to do, she really showed her love to me by putting aside herself and putting me first. She wrote me encouragement cards for every day of retreat. :) She hugged me when I needed it. She prayed with me a lot too. Thank you, Praisy. I never got to help you with your chem homework! SO sorry!
As time went on though... the fear melted away. I'm so blessed that this was a wonderful group of women and not a rough crowd. These women are not afraid to laugh... thank God. With every passing message... I didn't see scariness anymore... I saw smiling faces. I felt the warmth of sisterly love emanating from each woman and multiplying the more time they spent together. The women of Harvest are so beautiful... there is so much love, so much joy... plenty. Harvest is plentiful.
Some of you had asked me to share with you my retreat messages. There's a whole huge story behind those too... I'm too tired to write about it now. I'll just share the titles and the gist.
Sharing #1: brief overview of my testimony based mostly on my 1400 word article for Inheritance Magazine. It helped... to have a brief version. I also cried a lot during this one. When I cry, I can't read what I wrote... so I went off on tangents here and there. I have no record of my tangents, nor much recollection of what comes out of my mouth when I cry.
Sharing #2: God loves us. I shared some from what I wrote about Lavish Love (Day 98 - October 2009) a while back... Anderson loves me and my boogers... Hosea and Gomer... made a Twilight reference about imprinting (thanks Laura Bear...)... and I think what some people might remember about this one was... that I said to "stalk God" (thanks Stacy). A small point, but somehow a memorable one.
Sharing #2: Loving God. Subtitle: boys ruin my life. Reference Death by Boys (Day 123 - November 2009). I scrapped my entire sharing prep for this one. I decided to rewrite the intro during free time and then I shared with them... things which shall not be mentioned on this blog nor on my fb notes. But basically that my fleshly nature is to sin and desire sin... loving God means dying to myself and choosing Him... not just saying it, but actually making choices which show Him that I choose Him. Greater love has no man than this... that a man lay down his life for his friends. Laying down my life is my greatest act of love to God. I think that's how this one went. I needed Praise to keep me on track. I also have no record of what I said here... but I think they really liked this one. Very relatable, I think was the consensus. Someone thanked me for keeping it real.
Sharing #3: Loving Others. The proper order is that God loves us, we love God, and THEN we love others out of the overflow of God's love in our hearts. It made me really happy to hear a few ladies repeat our retreat theme in their sharing. It's so joyous to hear that people paid attention. LOL. I actually think that half the girls were asleep during this one. I know that one room overslept the entire message. :P Man... I wished I could have slept a little longer. I opened my eyes this morning and groaned... I had to get up and speak in 30 minutes. In 30 minutes... I brushed my teeth, washed my face... no time to comb hair... got dressed... couldn't do full on devotions so I opted to go for just my Romans reading... so I read it aloud so that Praise and I could get some Word in the morning. Then we prayed... sang some songs... and it was time to share. Craziness. I shared about my "taking out the trash" analogy, about Beatrice, Praise and Christi as my little sisters, Praise shared about it from her side, and I ended with sharing about the feeding of the 5000 from Mark 14. How Jesus put aside his own grieving, looked up and saw the crowd and had compassion on them, how we tell Jesus to send the people away so they can get something to eat, but Jesus asks to bring Him what we have (which is not even enough for ourselves), He takes it, blesses it, gives it back to us, and asks that we give them bread. The bread is not our own. We are to give it, in faith, that God will replenish it... and keep on giving. And then when people are satisfied, pick up the leftovers because there is no waste. Absolutely none.
Small Groups - I asked to be put into a small group. I wondered if it would be a bad thing... or a good one. A bad one possibly because people might not want to share when the speaker's in their group... but I think it went OK. I was really really blessed by getting a chance to talk to 4 lovely ladies. AND my group name was Dole Whip. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DOLE WHIPS. Anyone who's been to Disneyland with me knows... every single time. I think God does these little things to make me smile and remind me that He's totally in control and He loves to send me little love notes like this one. Dole Whips. My FAVE. I kinda wish that I could have listened in on everyone's small group. I got to hear bits and pieces of some conversations from time to time and they all sounded like such awesome sharing! I also think it's fascinating what stands out to people from a message. It's sometimes NOT what I intended... but I think it's fascinating nonetheless. For example...
I made a reference to the fruit of the Spirit... and how all my life I'd been trying to conjure the fruit on my own. I tried to be more loving, I tried to be joyful... tried to have peace... to be kind, good... self-controlled and always... failure. I looked at it absolutely wrong my whole life. You don't try to conjure the fruit. You cultivate the tree and the fruit will grow on its own... naturally. You don't aim for the fruit... the fruit is just the sign of life.... that the Spirit-tree is growing inside you... go for the tree. I guess this one was particularly memorable. I heard it mentioned a few times.
Speaking of trees... the prayer tree! I'd just mentioned it briefly to Natalie and she went and made a prayer tree! It's so amazing to see an idea come to fruition... as something tangible. And then to see people use it! That they were praying for each other... and each tally mark showed that they were being prayed for! I hope these leaves turn into praises as the prayers are answered.
And the Thot Spots... they were so so cute! I gave her the questions, showed her a picture of something I'd made before in the past and Natalie created these beautiful little booklets of response/application questions for the women to write down their thoughts. Even to see people go through the questions... the questions are ones that I ask myself everyday. It's so exciting to see people thinking about these questions... writing their answers... and someone even shared with me. I was the person they wanted to tell about their thoughts! My heart was bursting to see people use these tools. Joy. Utter joy.
And the questions. I got asked a lot of questions. One girl was so cute... she asked if it was OK to ask me a question... and then she said... man, it's like I'm asking you out on a date... LOL. So so cute. :) On Saturday night, I felt like there open seats around me and every now and then someone would come sit in it, ask a question, more people would come, some would go away... more would come. I'm so thankful that they found me so accessible and not intimidating or scary like how I'd grown accustomed to being treated most of my life. And I love the questions. I love the hearts from which these questions arose. I love the silly questions, I love the curiosity... I love hearing how they yearn for healing, they yearn for wisdom, they yearn for God and to know more and more about Him. This is beauteous.
I love the questions. Keep on asking. Ask me, ask each other... ask God. Ask it of God who gives freely... just don't doubt Him. That's from James, I'm pretty sure.
Man, I wish I had the time this weekend to talk to everyone. I'm so yearning to pick up the conversations that I started... I want to hear about your stories... I want to hear about how God's answered your prayers... how God spoke to you... what it means to you and your life... I want to hear how your situations went... let's talk about boys, about being control freaks, about google documents and nazi accountability, about the future, about husbands, about submission, about Kentucky, about food, about farting and roughage, about jobs and being housewives, about weddings, about HSM and Twilight (but I'd much rather talk about HP instead)... let's talk about anything! I'm tired of talking... I want to listen... I want to hear your thoughts!
I came home utterly exhausted. I took a nap in my lovely cloud of a bed. I woke up groggy and I was a little bit sad. I miss my new friends. I even miss the sound of your chatter and laughter which kept me up at night. I couldn't imagine a better way to spend my Valentine's weekend... it was so, so loverly. Thank you. :) Hope to catch up with you all soon...
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Day 198 - refresher
I had a rough night last night. So much was weighing on my heart, mind, and body... I wasn't used to it. I really missed Anderson... so much so that I went and watched his videos again just to see him and hear him. I cry all the time, but last night I cried harder than I'd cried in a long, long time. It wasn't so much that my heart was aching with longing... but that it was breaking from the realization that I was falling in love with my husband all over again.
I've gotten so used to living without him. I definitely miss him all the time, everyday, but my life has changed so drastically... and has moved in a different direction and all the love I used to pour into him is now being poured out onto other people around me. Life has definitely changed. A lot.
So I went and found that folder on his desktop labeled "for tiff" and I watched the 3 videos he recorded for me the day before our wedding (January 9, 2009). His love for me and his excitement really showed in his voice and on his face. There were also a few other documents in the folder: his journal, another document written especially for me, and another document full of things he'd copy and pasted from my emails to him. I'd tried reading his journal one other time before and I couldn't get very far that time. Yesterday, I tried again. This time, I read all the way through.
I think I started to understand why some of you still read my writing. I used to wonder why it was even interesting to any of you... especially since almost all my blogs are SO DARN LONG. Especially people who don't even know me... I just didn't really get it. When something doesn't apply to me, it usually doesn't hold very much interest for me. After reading through his journals... I saw how even though I lived right alongside with him... his thoughts, his struggles, his viewpoints were completely different from mine. It was like seeing life through his eyes and it was... enlightening, encouraging, heartbreaking, and yet... lovely. It was like discovering a side of him that I never knew... and discovering it last night... I fell in love with him all over again. He wrote things in his journal that he never told me. He wrote about his feelings... he wrote about his faith... about God... and he always made it a point to write about how much he loved and appreciated me. I always knew that he did but somehow... maybe... I don't know... it hit me yesterday with so much impact... like he was telling me for the first time that he loved me.
By the way... something he was kind of embarrassed about... but I always made fun of him... for saying "I love you" first... just 2 weeks after we'd started dating. It totally took me by surprise. He barely knew me... or so I thought. Somewhere in his writing... he wrote that so many people misunderstood me... but it didn't matter because he understood me and he saw my heart. I really miss that.
Mostly what hit me was how much he'd grown spiritually. His faith... he never really talked about it. All I saw on the outside was frustration... but his writing revealed to me that he really did understand... he did love God... he did have so much peace... a peace that I did not have at that time. He said in his journal... and he's said it to me many times that he was the one most prepared out of his entire family to "take one for the team". God had been preparing him and his character long before brain cancer ever started to plague his life. He really was the best man I've ever known. I'm so thankful and blessed to have known him, to have married him, to have been sanctified by him, and to continually be encouraged and strengthened by his example of love... for God... for me... and for his family.
I can't believe that he never wrote more. I have never read any essays he'd written. He's written me little notes here and there... but man... some of the stuff he wrote in his journal... I really got a glimpse inside his head and in his heart... I wish he'd taken the time to write more. Here's some excerpts that really moved me:
May 11, 2008, Sunday:
Sitting next to Tiff & being close to her is something I can do anytime any day all day. Doesn't matter what it is, sitting at church service or through a 10-hour lecture about the most boring thing in the world, if Tiff's there and I can hold hands with her and stare at her... I'm game. She calms my heart, her heart talks to mine when we're connected and we don't have to say a word.
June 6, 2008:
I was pretty excited to shop for rings. It's something I know that tiff has been waiting a long time for and something that I really really want her to have from me. i really want to marry her and have kids and raise them our way and see their kids grow up too. i want to grow old with tiff, i think we'd make ...... no, I KNOW we'll make a great couple even when we're old and wrinkly. I know i will still love her like i did our first few dates in irvine. I can't wait to marry tiff.
June 15, 2008:
to Tiff: the love of my life. My wish is to marry you. to have kids and own a home with you. remember, home is where the heart is. a house is just a building. i want to raise our kids like us. a little bit of you and a little bit of me. i know we are going to do great. you're the most amazing person i've ever met. and dont think that because you're my one and only, that I haven't seen whats out there. I know whats out there and nothing is as pretty as you. your heart beats for me and I can hear it. I hope you can hear my heart that beats for you as well. either that or you can check my pulses.
July 15, 2008:
tiff, God couldn't have matched us up any better. He knew i would get sick, so he brought me a nurse, a beautiful one at that. this is whats important to me. mom, dad kelly bk and tiff. my beautiful family and wife. this is whats been important to me since the beginning. although no one should go through this, the ONE positive outcome of having a disease is that the dirty worldly filter that covers your eyes are lifted and taken away so you can clearly see whats priority, whats important, what love is. For me, i see exactly that and i'm glad that this filter has been lifted off my eyes. family and tiff, don't cry too much... im ok. really. don't cry ok. cuz im right here next to you guys... watching over you always. im going to take care of you. im going to ask God to do the right things for us so you can all live long and happy lives. it is my duty to make sure someone is ok, and i'll take one for the team and do this for all of us. im probably the best one for the job so thats why God is choosing me. on the other hand, if he doesnt choose me, then thats ok too. just know that im ok. i am at peace. i am OVERLY satisfied with my SO blessed life because of you guys. i love you.
July 26, 2008:
for the record: i just want to state that if anything happens to me during or after my surgery this coming thursday, know that I am 100% content with what i have. with what i have experienced and for everyone that's involved in my life. i am full, as you would say it if you were at a restaurant... well, "i am stuffed" in matters of life. thank you to all.
May 12, 2008, Monday:
Personally, I'm scared about the future, but I have faith I will be with Tiffany forever. Tiff, if you're reading this, know that if I'm not physically here anymore, doesn't mean I'm not with you. I will always watch over you no matter what so always feel secure. Always feel loved. Always smile. Reminds me of my senior quote: "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss
Ok well, there's a whole lot more good stuff but... I figure I'll stop copy and pasting now.
Anderson Chen was a remarkable man. He was so full of love. I'm glad he left this remnant of his thoughts for me to find and I'm glad I got the chance to be refreshed by his love once again.
I've gotten so used to living without him. I definitely miss him all the time, everyday, but my life has changed so drastically... and has moved in a different direction and all the love I used to pour into him is now being poured out onto other people around me. Life has definitely changed. A lot.
So I went and found that folder on his desktop labeled "for tiff" and I watched the 3 videos he recorded for me the day before our wedding (January 9, 2009). His love for me and his excitement really showed in his voice and on his face. There were also a few other documents in the folder: his journal, another document written especially for me, and another document full of things he'd copy and pasted from my emails to him. I'd tried reading his journal one other time before and I couldn't get very far that time. Yesterday, I tried again. This time, I read all the way through.
I think I started to understand why some of you still read my writing. I used to wonder why it was even interesting to any of you... especially since almost all my blogs are SO DARN LONG. Especially people who don't even know me... I just didn't really get it. When something doesn't apply to me, it usually doesn't hold very much interest for me. After reading through his journals... I saw how even though I lived right alongside with him... his thoughts, his struggles, his viewpoints were completely different from mine. It was like seeing life through his eyes and it was... enlightening, encouraging, heartbreaking, and yet... lovely. It was like discovering a side of him that I never knew... and discovering it last night... I fell in love with him all over again. He wrote things in his journal that he never told me. He wrote about his feelings... he wrote about his faith... about God... and he always made it a point to write about how much he loved and appreciated me. I always knew that he did but somehow... maybe... I don't know... it hit me yesterday with so much impact... like he was telling me for the first time that he loved me.
By the way... something he was kind of embarrassed about... but I always made fun of him... for saying "I love you" first... just 2 weeks after we'd started dating. It totally took me by surprise. He barely knew me... or so I thought. Somewhere in his writing... he wrote that so many people misunderstood me... but it didn't matter because he understood me and he saw my heart. I really miss that.
Mostly what hit me was how much he'd grown spiritually. His faith... he never really talked about it. All I saw on the outside was frustration... but his writing revealed to me that he really did understand... he did love God... he did have so much peace... a peace that I did not have at that time. He said in his journal... and he's said it to me many times that he was the one most prepared out of his entire family to "take one for the team". God had been preparing him and his character long before brain cancer ever started to plague his life. He really was the best man I've ever known. I'm so thankful and blessed to have known him, to have married him, to have been sanctified by him, and to continually be encouraged and strengthened by his example of love... for God... for me... and for his family.
I can't believe that he never wrote more. I have never read any essays he'd written. He's written me little notes here and there... but man... some of the stuff he wrote in his journal... I really got a glimpse inside his head and in his heart... I wish he'd taken the time to write more. Here's some excerpts that really moved me:
May 11, 2008, Sunday:
Sitting next to Tiff & being close to her is something I can do anytime any day all day. Doesn't matter what it is, sitting at church service or through a 10-hour lecture about the most boring thing in the world, if Tiff's there and I can hold hands with her and stare at her... I'm game. She calms my heart, her heart talks to mine when we're connected and we don't have to say a word.
June 6, 2008:
I was pretty excited to shop for rings. It's something I know that tiff has been waiting a long time for and something that I really really want her to have from me. i really want to marry her and have kids and raise them our way and see their kids grow up too. i want to grow old with tiff, i think we'd make ...... no, I KNOW we'll make a great couple even when we're old and wrinkly. I know i will still love her like i did our first few dates in irvine. I can't wait to marry tiff.
June 15, 2008:
to Tiff: the love of my life. My wish is to marry you. to have kids and own a home with you. remember, home is where the heart is. a house is just a building. i want to raise our kids like us. a little bit of you and a little bit of me. i know we are going to do great. you're the most amazing person i've ever met. and dont think that because you're my one and only, that I haven't seen whats out there. I know whats out there and nothing is as pretty as you. your heart beats for me and I can hear it. I hope you can hear my heart that beats for you as well. either that or you can check my pulses.
July 15, 2008:
tiff, God couldn't have matched us up any better. He knew i would get sick, so he brought me a nurse, a beautiful one at that. this is whats important to me. mom, dad kelly bk and tiff. my beautiful family and wife. this is whats been important to me since the beginning. although no one should go through this, the ONE positive outcome of having a disease is that the dirty worldly filter that covers your eyes are lifted and taken away so you can clearly see whats priority, whats important, what love is. For me, i see exactly that and i'm glad that this filter has been lifted off my eyes. family and tiff, don't cry too much... im ok. really. don't cry ok. cuz im right here next to you guys... watching over you always. im going to take care of you. im going to ask God to do the right things for us so you can all live long and happy lives. it is my duty to make sure someone is ok, and i'll take one for the team and do this for all of us. im probably the best one for the job so thats why God is choosing me. on the other hand, if he doesnt choose me, then thats ok too. just know that im ok. i am at peace. i am OVERLY satisfied with my SO blessed life because of you guys. i love you.
July 26, 2008:
for the record: i just want to state that if anything happens to me during or after my surgery this coming thursday, know that I am 100% content with what i have. with what i have experienced and for everyone that's involved in my life. i am full, as you would say it if you were at a restaurant... well, "i am stuffed" in matters of life. thank you to all.
May 12, 2008, Monday:
Personally, I'm scared about the future, but I have faith I will be with Tiffany forever. Tiff, if you're reading this, know that if I'm not physically here anymore, doesn't mean I'm not with you. I will always watch over you no matter what so always feel secure. Always feel loved. Always smile. Reminds me of my senior quote: "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss
Ok well, there's a whole lot more good stuff but... I figure I'll stop copy and pasting now.
Anderson Chen was a remarkable man. He was so full of love. I'm glad he left this remnant of his thoughts for me to find and I'm glad I got the chance to be refreshed by his love once again.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Day 193 - Undeserving & Enslavement
Thank you. :) Thank you all SO much. Thank you for the birthday wishes, for the prayers, for the thoughts, for the hugs, for the gifts, the facebook messages, emails, texts, cupcakes... most of all, thank you for being my friends and family. I wish I could emotionally transfer what I'm feeling to you because the words just don't seem to be enough. If only Vulcan mind melds were real... and if only I were a Vulcan who could use it.
I am so undeserving of the lavish outpouring of love I've received lately. Speechless.
A lot of people asked me what I wanted this year. I... honestly don't know. I have everything I need and pretty much everything I could even want. My heart is full, life is beautiful and you all are part of that beauty.
I've had this quote in my head recently... I've blogged about it before... a while ago.
I've been thinking about contentment lately... about what it means to be content... to have peace... to be filled to the point where you're no longer yearning for something you don't have. Do you reach that point when you have everything you want? Or do you reach that point when you just stop yearning for it?
I guess it depends on what you want. What do you really want? And what would you be willing to give up in order to get it?
I had a thought on Sunday... about contentment... let's see if I can put it into words.
Discontentment... can be the driving force to push someone to strive after and pursue things they have not yet obtained. Discontentment can also be a negative force, driving people into depression/jealousy as they focus on what they do not have. I don't know if there's another way to go with this... as of right now, I can only think of these two ways to respond to discontent.
I think that when you love someone or something, discontentment with the status quo naturally follows. The stronger you love someone or something, the stronger you feel the drive to have more and more of that person or that thing. To love with a passion... it rouses hearts, stirs to life... passionate love drives people to do crazy things.
So how does it usually play out? We are all living in this world... it is very easy to love the things of this world and there are plenty of good things to love... and plenty of bad things too. But for those of us who have God in our lives... God's Word tells us that we cannot love both the things of this world AND love God. They are incompatible. Loving the things of this world and loving God are negatively correlated. As one increases, the other decreases. And whatever we love... we become enslaved to.
K... this is something I wrote a while ago in my journal. It's on the topic of enslavement. I hesitated in posting this. But hey, maybe it'll be a good one to spark discussion. Here goes:
We never think of ourselves as enslaved. This is America. Land of the free. Equal opportunity. We'd say, we are slaves of no one. The Pharisees also said that in John 8:33.
And yet we are enslaved. We are all enslaved. Either we're enslaved to God, or we are enslaved to the world and the ruler of this world is the devil. Anything that pulls us away from God is an idol. I don't know how you feel about that. Offended? I'm open to discussing your thoughts.
OK so let me go on about enslavement in my own life. From my own experiences, I've been enslaved... to many things: to pride, to past hurts & baggage, to bitterness, to fear, to lust, to boyfriends, to school, to achievements... anything that was/is an idol in my life I was enslaved to. And what proof is there that I was enslaved? Let's take for example... pride. When pride keeps me from doing something or apologizing when I know I need to... I'm enslaved to pride because my pride is dictating my actions. I am no longer choosing... the pride is choosing for me. On bitterness... being enslaved to bitterness is a particularly nasty one. It affected my whole being. Listen to these thoughts:
I CANNOT love this person because I deserve to be treated with respect and they're not treating me the way I want them to treat me. I CANNOT let it go! If you only knew what they said to me, you'd agree! I CAN'T even look them in the face. I CAN'T be in the same room with them. I can't, I can't, I can't. Really? I CAN'T?!? Sounds like something's dictating my actions and it's not me anymore. Enslaved.
What truth? The truth... of the gospel, the good news that Jesus Christ came to save us from enslavement to sin, to free us from the enslavement inherent in us, through the cleansing power of His blood. When Jesus Christ resurrected, He conquered death. Death is the punishment for sin, and in that conquering, He gave us all the hope that we, too, can conquer death and sin if we would only accept that gift of salvation by believing that He is God and that He did what He did on the cross. To acknowledge and believe that He is God, that He is Lord of all and what He did on the cross & 3 days later is to put ourselves in the proper place, the way God paved for us and meant for it to be... so that He can be with us... His beloved creation.
Regardless of whether or not you believe He is Lord and ruler over all, He is. He's always been and He will always be. To be enslaved to God... you think it sounds like a bad thing, right? It's only because slavery has such negative connotations because being enslaved to sinful men/people or sin... results in misery and sadness because people are selfish and giving power to sinful, selfish people is just... not a good thing. Being enslaved to a master who is holy, who is good to the absolute meaning of good, in whom there is no darkness, no selfishness, no ulterior motive, nothing of this world... it's all good. He ALWAYS wants good for us, not evil.
Lots of people quote Jeremiah 29:11, but I think the surrounding verses are really powerful too.
Enslavement to God, a sinless God, is freedom. Freedom from sin, freedom from emptiness, freedom from frustration and freedom from discontentment in this world. In Him is freedom and JOY. Life, and life abundantly.
The fulfilled life, a life of joy & purpose, with peace that surpasses understanding... lies in being enslaved to the only One who will not disappoint. He will never leave us, He will never forget us, He will never cease to protect us, He will never stop loving us. And He will never tell us to do something horrible. He is ALL good. Everything that comes from Him is good.
I am so undeserving of the lavish outpouring of love I've received lately. Speechless.
A lot of people asked me what I wanted this year. I... honestly don't know. I have everything I need and pretty much everything I could even want. My heart is full, life is beautiful and you all are part of that beauty.
I've had this quote in my head recently... I've blogged about it before... a while ago.
If I see God in everything, He will calm and color everything I see. -Hannah Whitall Smith
I've been thinking about contentment lately... about what it means to be content... to have peace... to be filled to the point where you're no longer yearning for something you don't have. Do you reach that point when you have everything you want? Or do you reach that point when you just stop yearning for it?
I guess it depends on what you want. What do you really want? And what would you be willing to give up in order to get it?
You know the difference between your whole being pulsating with energy & freshness of God's divine life or feeling worn out & weary. -Dr. Pardington
I had a thought on Sunday... about contentment... let's see if I can put it into words.
Discontentment... can be the driving force to push someone to strive after and pursue things they have not yet obtained. Discontentment can also be a negative force, driving people into depression/jealousy as they focus on what they do not have. I don't know if there's another way to go with this... as of right now, I can only think of these two ways to respond to discontent.
I think that when you love someone or something, discontentment with the status quo naturally follows. The stronger you love someone or something, the stronger you feel the drive to have more and more of that person or that thing. To love with a passion... it rouses hearts, stirs to life... passionate love drives people to do crazy things.
So how does it usually play out? We are all living in this world... it is very easy to love the things of this world and there are plenty of good things to love... and plenty of bad things too. But for those of us who have God in our lives... God's Word tells us that we cannot love both the things of this world AND love God. They are incompatible. Loving the things of this world and loving God are negatively correlated. As one increases, the other decreases. And whatever we love... we become enslaved to.
K... this is something I wrote a while ago in my journal. It's on the topic of enslavement. I hesitated in posting this. But hey, maybe it'll be a good one to spark discussion. Here goes:
We never think of ourselves as enslaved. This is America. Land of the free. Equal opportunity. We'd say, we are slaves of no one. The Pharisees also said that in John 8:33.
And yet we are enslaved. We are all enslaved. Either we're enslaved to God, or we are enslaved to the world and the ruler of this world is the devil. Anything that pulls us away from God is an idol. I don't know how you feel about that. Offended? I'm open to discussing your thoughts.
OK so let me go on about enslavement in my own life. From my own experiences, I've been enslaved... to many things: to pride, to past hurts & baggage, to bitterness, to fear, to lust, to boyfriends, to school, to achievements... anything that was/is an idol in my life I was enslaved to. And what proof is there that I was enslaved? Let's take for example... pride. When pride keeps me from doing something or apologizing when I know I need to... I'm enslaved to pride because my pride is dictating my actions. I am no longer choosing... the pride is choosing for me. On bitterness... being enslaved to bitterness is a particularly nasty one. It affected my whole being. Listen to these thoughts:
I CANNOT love this person because I deserve to be treated with respect and they're not treating me the way I want them to treat me. I CANNOT let it go! If you only knew what they said to me, you'd agree! I CAN'T even look them in the face. I CAN'T be in the same room with them. I can't, I can't, I can't. Really? I CAN'T?!? Sounds like something's dictating my actions and it's not me anymore. Enslaved.
And you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free. John 8:32
What truth? The truth... of the gospel, the good news that Jesus Christ came to save us from enslavement to sin, to free us from the enslavement inherent in us, through the cleansing power of His blood. When Jesus Christ resurrected, He conquered death. Death is the punishment for sin, and in that conquering, He gave us all the hope that we, too, can conquer death and sin if we would only accept that gift of salvation by believing that He is God and that He did what He did on the cross. To acknowledge and believe that He is God, that He is Lord of all and what He did on the cross & 3 days later is to put ourselves in the proper place, the way God paved for us and meant for it to be... so that He can be with us... His beloved creation.
Regardless of whether or not you believe He is Lord and ruler over all, He is. He's always been and He will always be. To be enslaved to God... you think it sounds like a bad thing, right? It's only because slavery has such negative connotations because being enslaved to sinful men/people or sin... results in misery and sadness because people are selfish and giving power to sinful, selfish people is just... not a good thing. Being enslaved to a master who is holy, who is good to the absolute meaning of good, in whom there is no darkness, no selfishness, no ulterior motive, nothing of this world... it's all good. He ALWAYS wants good for us, not evil.
Lots of people quote Jeremiah 29:11, but I think the surrounding verses are really powerful too.
10 This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity.
Enslavement to God, a sinless God, is freedom. Freedom from sin, freedom from emptiness, freedom from frustration and freedom from discontentment in this world. In Him is freedom and JOY. Life, and life abundantly.
The fulfilled life, a life of joy & purpose, with peace that surpasses understanding... lies in being enslaved to the only One who will not disappoint. He will never leave us, He will never forget us, He will never cease to protect us, He will never stop loving us. And He will never tell us to do something horrible. He is ALL good. Everything that comes from Him is good.
This is the blessed life-not anxious to see far down the road nor overly concerned about the next step, not eager to choose the path nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but quietly following the Shepherd, one step at a time. -Streams in the Desert, Jan. 14K. I don't know how to end this so I'll just stop typing now. Thoughts? Comments?
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