Day 215 - choices

So my badge and I made it through day 2 of orientation. :) We got through security together and she kept me company through learning national patient safety goals and in reminding people what my name was... she was especially helpful to remind ppl that my name is not Stephanie. Yesterday's orientation was a little more on the boring side... I don't know why, but today's was more interesting. Maybe because it was more relevant since it was nursing orientation today (we did quality control checks on the blood glucose machines, heard from the advanced blood management ppl, the chaplain...) or maybe because of our instructor. She was pretty awesome: a wholeheartedly good person and funny, down-to-earth, and interesting. I'm glad I met her.

Also had an interesting conversation with her that I'm really glad I got a chance to have. She's quite a chatty lady. She let it slip that she'd just lost her brother two weeks ago. She mentioned it and moved on really quickly as she was going over our nursing material. During break, I walked by her and I thought that maybe I'd check on her to see how she was handling her brother's passing. So I asked. Now that I think about it... it was pretty gutsy of me to ask. Really... I think Anderson would have said "who are you?". He always used to say that when I did something uncharacteristic of me. She said that she was doing OK. I gave her a hug. Again, "who am I?". That was that. I went to get a refill on my tea.

Later on in class, I was thinking about it... and I don't know what I was thinking in asking. What if she weren't OK? Was I prepared to handle an emotional breakdown right then and there in front of the entire class if she wasn't OK? No. I had asked already assuming that she'd say she was OK. And I had a thought... that I was horrible for even asking in such an inappropriate setting. So I thought about apologizing. I briefly considered how weird it'd be to "take it back", but I felt a little urge to apologize so I chose to do it. And I'm glad I did.

I just walked up to her and apologized for bringing up such a sensitive subject during break. She responded by telling me that she was glad that I asked because it shows that I care. And then it went back and forth and I told her about Anderson. She was shocked. She made me say it twice. And then she said that it was so interesting because someone else she knew just recently got diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. We had a really good chat about death, dying, coping, end of life care... she asked about my family and how we were handling it, I asked about hers. She told me that she was a touchy-feely person, just like me.

Woah there. Major "who are you?" moment. There are times in my life here and there where I've felt the urge to touch someone else... and usually when a woman is crying or about to cry... that's when it probably comes out the most. Sometimes when I feel like caring for someone but I don't have the words to... but in general... I'm not particularly touchy even though I scored really high on it on my love language test.

Anyway... I think... that entire conversation was just such a blessing. To connect with someone else in an unexpected way is always such a pleasant surprise. I told her that I was really glad I met her and she said the same. :) And to think, I would have missed out on that had I not followed that little inkling inside to ask how she was doing... and then to follow it again to apologize for asking in the first place. So I started thinking about... choices.

The whole of a day is made up of the sum of my choices. I don't even know it that statement makes any sense grammatically, but in my head, it makes sense. One choice leads me one way, which leads to more choices, which leads to more choices... each choice creates an entirely new pathway and the entire day basically ends up to be a result of the sum of my choices. I chose to wake up and not sleep in. I chose to take local instead of the freeway. I chose to eat a taco since it was taco tuesday... AND I chose to also eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich... which I also chose to make this morning. I chose to go to my orientation, I chose to talk to my instructor. My choices lead to actions which reveal what it is I'm choosing. My choices manifest in my actions.

And what did my choices reveal? Well, to my instructor, it revealed that I was caring... and apparently touchy-feely. How I choose to spend the rest of my time also is a reflection of my choices and what's important to me. It is important to me that I respond to people's emails so I spend a large chunk of time doing that everyday. It is also important that I eat... and what I choose to eat also reveals what's important to me. I chose lasagna for dinner. And while I waited for the lasagna to microwave... I did pushups against the counter... and I thought about choices. Now I'm writing about choices. I feel like I'm going in circles. OK. Making my point...

Now that I'm starting to work... I have a lot less leisure time so the choices I make matter more now because I have less time to work with. I think I should choose to exercise tonight. I'm forgetting my point but it's something about importance...

OH YEAH. LOL. Love and choices. Choices not only reveal what's important to you, but they also reveal what you love and what you value... and also whom you value. If I say that Anderson's important to me but I don't choose to make time to be with him, I don't choose to do the things that I know will make him happy... if he called and I chose not to pick up... those choices reveal what's really important to me... which if I made those types of choices... it means that me and what I want to do are more important than him in my life. I didn't falter when it came to spending time with him or picking up his phone calls or answering his emails... but I did choose to remain in school throughout his treatment. It wasn't until we found out that he had 6 months to live that I chose him over school and my career. Everyday I slept in the hospital room with him was a choice I made to choose him over my own comfort... over being outside... over chatting with my friends... and I was so glad that I chose him. Choosing him over me... was the best thing I could have done for him... and also for me. It was like... training wheels... for choosing God. And those few months with him in the hospital... I will cherish those moments for the rest of my life. Night after night of hugs and tears... not knowing if this was the last night we'd ever spend together... saying everything we wanted to say "just in case". Those last few months taught me to live day by day and to make the most of everyday. Carpe diem. Make good choices.