I had always had a hard time sleeping. I used to like falling asleep to the noise of the TV. Sometimes I'd just put a movie on and fall asleep to it. One of my favorite movies to sleep to was March of the Penguins or any commentary. The sound of people's voices helped me sleep. Maybe I didn't like sleeping alone. I'm not sure. And maybe I had a lot less stress while I was in Texas, but sleeping in the same bed with Anderson was some of the best sleep of my life. And for some reason, I was the only person who felt comfortable enough to sleep with Anderson in the hospital room. My dad tried doing it once... my dad can sleep ANYWHERE, but he couldn't sleep at the hospital.
Yesterday morning I woke up from a semi-bad dream and I felt sad. No Anderson. No hand to hold. I miss having someone there with me when I wake up, especially after a bad dream. And I'm really affected by my dreams. They're so real to me that I sometimes wake up emotionally affected by them. Yesterday was one of those days.
I dreamt yesterday that I was being hunted. I had a gun. I was being hunted by 2 women. We had one of those rolling-on-the-floor gun fights in a parking lot. I did some pretty good slow-mo tumbling and got some direct hits to the middle of their chests... to their foreheads... KILLS! But they didn't die. They kept coming and I was out of bullets so I had to run. Since we were in a parking lot I decided to run between the cars so I wouldn't be such an easy target. And then I got tired of running so I hid inside a car and pretended I was sleeping. They actually found me but they didn't recognize me because they couldn't tell one Asian apart from the next. I dunno what kind of hitwomen they were if they couldn't even recognize their mark. Oh well. I got away. That time.
Next phase of the dream... I was driving a large 18-passenger van through a very scary neighborhood. There were lots of children in the van... some babies. A mom was in the van too but she refused to believe that we were in any danger. She wanted to go stop and get Mexican food. i told her NO, stay in the car... we were waiting for 2 friends to come out of a building and we should be ready in front of the building with the engine running so they could make a quick getaway. She REALLY wanted Mexican food! So I was driving around trying to find Mexican food for her. While I was driving around, the big boss, who hired the 2 hitwomen, saw me and started talking to me. He didn't threaten me. He actually tried to smooth talk me into going to work for him. He told me that I would have security and safety... I could have this big bank account in the Caymans for free... all I had to do was sign and work for him. I said no thanks and tried to drive back to the building. As I was driving away, I remember feeling tempted...he was still calling out to me as I drove away but I'm glad I said no. You don't make deals with the big boss of evil... no matter how tempting it seems at the time.
And I still remember feeling the need to reload my gun. I had a fanny pack type thing and I was searching for bullets. I found batteries. No bullets. ARGH. Unprotected with a van full of kids and babies and a crazy mom who wants Mexican food in the middle of a dangerous neighborhood.
I have my theories as to what this dream is telling me. I'm not sure but I think that my physical exhaustion is making me feel spent. I'm empty. No bullets. Tired of running, wanting to hide but knowing I need to reload. I'm also not sure but I think the van full of kids and babies... represent the people that I'm caring for... the people I'm trying to protect. And I'm pretty sure that the big boss is trying to tempt me with the things that would provide me worldly security... he's sweet-talking me into giving in to his offer, but I'm resisting... and yet he's still calling to me even as I resist. I woke up and I cried. And then I decided that I needed to spend the day (yesterday) recharging and reloading. I needed to rest.
I spend a lot of time nowadays thinking about how I am, how I used to be... how much I've changed, how much of me has stayed the same. I read something last week that really touched me. I'm not allowed to quote it but I'll paraphrase it. When I die to myself and choose God's way, I'm not losing myself, my individuality, or any part of my personality. Dying to myself and choosing God is actually releasing me from my self-centeredness and the bondage of sin and allowing me and my personality to develop into what God had created it to be... in His image. I become a better version of myself... the version that God intended me to be. I'm still me, but I'm a more joyful me... a more peaceful me... a more loving me. All my strengths are magnified and my weaknesses strengthened. It's like upgrading myself... the new and improved version.
My own personality... is constantly striving. Constantly doing and constantly looking for ways to do it better. I usually don't do anything mindlessly. I usually analyze it and look for ways to streamline and make it simpler, more efficient, cleaner, streamlined. I say usually because it doesn't always apply, but more often than not if I could have my way, I would do it this way. One of my old dream jobs would have been product testing and development for kitchen supplies and household appliances. It would have made me really happy to test items for form and function, to compare them, and then to tell people which one is better... and possibly also help design a product that works even better than the old one. That would really excite me. :)
I think... this striving for something better... maybe even for excellence... is why I appreciate God so much. I see, especially in Leviticus and Numbers, how God is so intentional. Everything He plans is so strategic, so perfectly balanced and positioned, with symbolism and function... every person has their unique role in the grand scheme of Israel and the Tabernacle... one person's gift is another person's sustenance or tool... and God thought of everything in the design. There is no flaw, no need for improvement. It is perfection. No excess, nothing lacking, no fat to skim off the top... it is perfection.
His ways are so much higher than ours. In aspiring to be more like God... it totally fits my personality in striving for the best... to be the best. I've even chosen the best God... the One that makes the most sense to me, the most fair, the most gracious and loving, the One who never makes mistakes, never fails. Following Christ never needs to be updated to better relate to the masses... man-made religions need to be updated now and then... because they're flawed.
Following Christ is for the young and old, weak and strong, for all personalities, for all of humankind. None are excluded...beginning of life to the end of life... God loves and desires ALL. Not for our utility or form or function... He desires US. You and me. He desires our hearts... a relationship with us. Our purpose here on earth... is to choose Him or not. When we choose Him here, He gives us a glimpse of what a perfect relationship with Him is like. Glorious, bountiful, abundant, vibrant life... a life that overflows... energy and joy pulsing through every fiber of my being... and the closest thing to that on earth is probably romantic love. God used Anderson and my love for each other to give me a little glimpse of what it feels like to love and to be loved... to point me to His love for me. How beautiful the ways He helps me understand. The time and patience He took to wait for me to see that He is the ultimate excellence that I've been searching for my whole life. The energy that never diminishes, the wisdom that never is outdated, a goodness that never falters, a love that never EVER fades... forever and ever. Ultimate.
And yet... I keep wanting to look for other things too. God blesses me with the perks of being with Him and I tend to want to value the perks and enjoy the gifts... and ignore the giver. I'm so ungrateful sometimes. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. It's like my default setting... to want to be and pursue the dysfunctional.
Even doing the things I should be doing... when I do them without the motivation of love... it's meaningless. Even the good things... like meeting up with people, chatting, sharing life... these things that bring me much joy... sometimes can start to feel like a burden. I'm tempted to feel that since I'm burdened, I shouldn't do it at all because there's no love there. But instead of giving up and opting not to do it at all if there's no love behind it... I'm just going to postpone it for a bit. In the meantime I am searching for reasons why I feel compelled to do stuff even without love... and it's just me pushing myself to DO it. It's my personality driving me... towards doing... towards legalism. It's a very strong force within me and it's such a fine line between joy and obligation... between serving out of the overflow of my heart and serving without first being filled. Outwardly, it looks the same to anyone else... but I know... and God knows.
So... feeling drained... feeling tired... a little low and almost running on empty. It's time to stop. Be still and know that He is God. Recharge. I need to go find my bullets and reload. Everything and everyone else can wait... for today at least. I'm recharging. (I wrote this yesterday in my journal... was too tired to post it yesterday... opted to sleep instead)
I know this is a pretty long one and it's a lot less fun than my last post... but I do want to continue and share about my recharging process yesterday and today.
Me, being the overly ambitious planner that I am... had booked this entire week with activities. Some things had been planned for over a month. Didn't want to cancel stuff but at the same time, I wasn't in the mood. But... well... first things first... I decided to put God first. Spend time with him in the morning instead of just rushing out of the house. So I decided to be late to my first hangout on Tuesday... my friend was totally gracious. We went biking. We biked to campus and then worked out at the gym... then biked back. I got an email that morning that I should stop by HR and pick up my forms to get my physical done for my job (starting next week btw). So I drove to the hospital... took my bike off the rack, put the rack in my trunk and biked to the hospital. Got my forms... found out I could just get the physical done right then and there. So I biked the few blocks to the clinic place or whatever. Got my physical done. My next hangout was scheduled around that time but my other friend graciously rescheduled for the next day so I could get my physical done. Getting things done really relaxes me. I was really really glad to be able to get my physical done and I actually find biking really relaxing. Something about the wind blowing in my face... is liberating. I really enjoy just biking slowly and basking in the sunlight and gentle wind. It makes my heart smile. :)
And I got to spend the rest of the day taking care of things like laundry and taking out the trash and talking to people from home by phone, by email, by gchat, by fb. It made me really happy to just be home and get things done. I also did my BSF homework. One of the questions was to look up a set of passages that talk about Jesus's return. One of the passages was from 1 Thes. 4
1 Thes 4:16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.
The question asked to choose one of the passages that has significant meaning for me. I chose this one. I've thought about this before... a while ago...when I was thinking about Anderson and our reunion... our date in the clouds. I close my eyes and I can imagine him... floating there... looking for me and waiting with his open hand stretched downward. And I will rise up with my arm stretched upward... our hands will meet, interlock, and we will go up and be with our Lord together, hand in hand... forever and ever.
It warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes. It still does even writing about it now. It's always a good day when I cry. It reminded me of my longing for eternity and the promise of eternity spent in joy and fellowship with God and with those whom I love and especially with my Anderson... my bestest best friend... the man of the dreams I didn't even know to dream yet. Our 6 years together and our 6 beautiful months in holy matrimony will pale in comparison to the glory of the eternity we will spend together in heaven with the Lover of our souls.
Recharged. Ultimate awesomeness.
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