Day 252 - from mourning to...

I couldn't resist. So far in 2010, I've had 9 posts each in January and February. Had to have a 9th before March ends to make it even across the board.

I went to a bridal shower and a wedding last Saturday. I cried at both events. I cried kind of a lot. Not the huge sobbing type, but the slow flowing kind that just trickle out and don't seem to want to stop. Maybe it was a slow leak in the dam that was about ready to blow. I don't mind crying at all, but it is kind of a nuisance when I'm wearing eyeliner. Must remember to waterproof it before the next wedding.

I cried for many reasons. I cried because other people were crying, I cried because the groom was crying, I cried for the couples and their joy... and I also cried a little bit for myself. I cried the most at the bridal shower as my friend's aunt was sharing about her marriage and passing along the lessons she'd learned. I cried for them and their heartaches. I also cried for me. Once again, I was mourning the loss of the life I'd hoped to have with Anderson. There were so many things we never got a chance to do together... so many things we wanted to do together, but couldn't. Even something as simple as cooking together... I think after we were married, we only got a chance to cook together a handful of times. We spent months having our meals delivered to us on a hospital tray though.

Whenever I take care of patients who have family at the bedside, it makes me happy knowing that they have a loved one nearby. When I see them leave after visiting hours, I'm just a little bit sad for them. I remember the nurses and doctors telling me to go home and rest... because I never left. I spent every single night we were married in the same room with my husband... every night except one. 6 months... 180 days and nights. I was fortunate enough to have the privilege of spending all day and night with him. What was I going to do at the apartment, alone, anyway? We went to bed every night thanking God for another day and asking for one more. Sometimes I miss those nights. I miss him being the last person I saw before I went to sleep and the first person I saw when I woke.

It hit me hard when I was watching a lone couple dancing a slow dance at the wedding. I had flashbacks of us dancing in my room or his room. Sometimes we'd do that before we had to part for the night. And in the last few years... I've only ever danced in front of him... fast or slow. I don't think I've been able to dance since. Sometimes I feel like dancing but it only ever happens in my head. My body doesn't move. Maybe one day soon, I'll dance again outside the confines of my mind. Hope you guys don't have to see it. I don't think it's very pretty.

Anyway... watching the couple dance... I wished I had someone to dance with...someone to live life with... someone to hold and to be held by. It almost broke my heart... to even think that I've come all this way only to have to start all over again...alone. I know people keep reminding me that I'm still young... but sometimes I don't feel very young. I still get carded but sometimes... inside... I feel like I've lived a full life and I'm ready to go home... any day now.

^{Psalm 30:8} I cried out to you, O Lord.
I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
⁹ “What will you gain if I die,
if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
Can it tell of your faithfulness?
¹⁰ Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
Help me, O Lord.”

I know I feel this. I feel the deep longing. But it's not unbearable. For the most part, I do OK with it. I go on living. Sometimes I wonder... is it peace... or is it apathy. With apathy, you just don't care... you give up... you don't even despair anymore because you're all numb and dead inside. With peace... you're content and all the little things here and there just don't seem to bug anymore. I think the real difference is... joy. You don't have joy when you're apathetic. Joy can't co-exist with blank, deadness. Peace, on the other hand, can live very happily with joy. Peace and joy that does not depend on earthly circumstances... that is perfect peace.

You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Isaiah 26:3.

Perfect peace happens as a result of unwavering faith. Yes, I have fleshly desires. Yes, my heart yearns for things I've lost, for things I don't have... but not enough to break my gaze away from Him to long for the perishable over the imperishable. The things in this world die and fade away to oblivion. The Real Thing never fades, never dies, never fails. I will never lose it, it will never be taken away. And because I'm where I'm meant to be... I'm with the One I was created for... I rest in the peace and security that He will take care of me. He knows exactly what I need, when I need it and I trust Him. His timing is always perfect and His love knows no end. Resting in the arms of the One who has the power to give and take away... I wait. I will continue to wait on Him and He will renew my strength. Rest. Perfect rest. Perfect peace. Perfect joy.

Psalm 30:¹¹ You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
¹² that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Quote from yesterday's Streams:

Beloved, never try to get out of a dark place except in God's timing and in His way. A time of trouble and darkness is meant to teach you lessons you desperately need. Premature deliverance may circumvent God's work of grace in your life. Commit the entire situation to Him and be willing to abide in darkness, knowing He is present.

Moving the hands of a clock to suit you does not change the time.

You can force a rosebud open, but you spoil the flower. Leave everything to Him, without exception. "Not what I will, but what You will." Mark 14:36 - Stephen Merritt.

Day 251 - Living it

Sorry it's been a while. I've been doing well. Still adjusting to work. Random collection of thoughts for today.

When I started nursing school or... backing up to even before I applied to nursing school, I didn't think that it would be hard. I pretty much had the mentality that "I can do it"... so I forged ahead and went for it. I applied to nursing school thinking that if I got in, I'd decide at that time to go. After I got in, I remember thinking... now that I'm in, I might as well go.

Nursing school was hard. I was pretty stressed writing my thesis and taking prereq's at the same time, but that stress in finishing my MPH was nothing compared to the stress of nursing school. Regardless, I got through it... thank GOD and now I'm working... amazingly enough.

I keep thinking about why it was so hard. Looking back, I'm not sure if it was so much that it was "hard" than that it was different than anything I'd ever been through. Not only did we learn the theory, we had to remember it, carry it over, and build upon it. And while we were learning the theory, we were in the skills lab practicing it, watching videos on how to do it... and in the hospital applying it. My previous schooling was pretty much strictly theoretical; and while we had labs to "apply" what we were learning, if we messed up, it wasn't that big a deal... we'd just scrap it and start over (or we'd just write up what should have happened and why it didn't come out that way). If I mess up in nursing... it affects someone else and their health. This is a serious job with serious consequences if I fail. Pressure.

I never really thought about it, but it all got progressively harder as time went on. Nothing ever got easier. We started out learning very simple things and built up to working critical care. Doing clinicals while in school... you start out protected. You have an instructor there, you have your nurse who looks over you. They don't really expect you to do much other than practical skills and even then, they prepare everything for you, tell you what to do, and you just do it. Now that I'm working, I still have a preceptor (a nurse) who looks after me, but I need to bring it all together, prioritize things on my own, and I am expected to take care of it all, start to finish. It is the next logical progression in my preparation to be a full-on registered nurse... but it is hard. And I'm fighting for it. I look forward to the day when things will get easier, but I'm not sure if they ever will. My job will pretty much always be rough and stressful... but I will be in a better place to handle it... because I've grown... because I'll have experience behind me.

There's something to be said about learning it vs. living it. Learning is very necessary... I don't think you'd want to be taken care of by a nurse who never went to nursing school. But after you learn it, you need to live it; otherwise, what's the purpose of learning it to begin with? Nursing school was to prepare me to be a nurse. Now that I'm done with schooling, I'm actually supposed to be living it out. I AM a nurse. Woah.

I feel like... I'm at a point where my work situation parallels my life situation. I'll never stop learning about God, but I'm not satisfied with simply learning it... I need to be living it. I've spent years and years and years of my life learning about God, learning about Jesus, learning about Christianity... but learning it isn't the same as experiencing it. Now that I've been experiencing it... I can't go back to just learning. Must move forward. Go a step farther and higher.

Living it is... scary in a sense that work and life are both unpredictable. I'm not working some M-F 9-5 routine. Every single shift is different, just like every single day of life is different. I don't need to know what's going to happen to know what to do. I don't even need a step-by-step guidebook to get me through the day... I just need to apply what I know, apply what I've learned, and do my best to put things together...with help of course.

Sorry, I start every post with the intention of being succinct, but it never happens. Thanks for getting to this point if you're still reading.

Everyone wants a lab manual for life but handing me a nursing textbook doesn't make me a nurse. I'm never going to find a page that corresponds perfectly to every single situation I'll encounter at work. The textbooks guide, but it's up to me to take what I learned and practice it myself. Similarly, I think sometimes I tend to want to get caught up in the rules and do's and don'ts of life. "If only I knew what to do"... "if only I could hear God tell me what I need to do"... I think that a lot of times... He's already told us. He gave us everything we need to know in His Word and through His Spirit. We just need to live it. The manual gives us the steps for how to do it in real life, but all of life is not a string of lab-manual procedures one right after another. And thank goodness too. How boring would it be if it were? Life is different everyday, it's exciting, it's vibrant, it's full of new things to be encountered and discovered... the procedures are just one way that the principle is realized. When you know the guiding principles, its applications are endless.

Love God & love others with everything I've got.

There is oftentimes the right way to do things and the wrong way and those things are not negotiable. But really... everyone inserts an IV slightly differently even though it serves the exact same function and it's done basically the same way across the board.

I've been reading through my journal lately. There's one particular page that's full of quotes, excerpts and highlights.

God's desire is to take you from where you are to where He wants you to be. You will always be one step of obedience away from the next truth God wants you to learn about Him. Experiencing God, March 13.

God doesn't want you to merely gain intellectual knowledge of truth. He wants you to experience His truth. There are things about Jesus you will learn only as you obey Him. Your obedience will then lead to greater revelation and opportunities for service. Experiencing God, March 14.

When almighty God speaks to us, what we do next proves what we believe about Him, regardless of what we say. Experiencing God, March 11.

Much of the frustration we experience as Christians has nothing to do with what God does or doesn't do. It has everything to do, rather, with the false assumptions we make about how we think God will and should act. Experiencing God, March 12.

God responds to faith. Unbelief hinders the work of God, but faith unleashes it. Greg Laurie, Daily Devotions, March 17.

Faith is the consent of the will to the assent of the understanding. Faith always has in it the idea of action. It is movement toward its object. Faith is a restless, living thing. it cannot be inoperative. Faith moves. Faith acts. Faith does. It doesn't just sit. It has to move. And faith develops by listening to, studying, and immersing ourselves in the Word of God. Faith gets stronger through use. Greg Laurie, Daily Devotions, Mar 16.

It's one thing to learn it, and quite another to live it. Live it.

I think there was more I had initially wanted to write about, but I forgot now. Maybe I'll remember tomorrow.

Day 243 - Pay Attention to Live Long and Prosper

I think I'd meant to post yesterday but I didn't... for no particular reason.

Yesterday...it was 8 months since Anderson's passing. It really is hard to believe. Lately, I've been having flashbacks more frequently than usual about our lives together here, around the neighborhood, and even in Houston. I really don't feel that I need to avoid any places or activities for fear of overwhelming sorrow or emotion. I'd actually invite those moments with willingness. And it also doesn't take anything special to remind me of him. Everything still reminds me of him. When someone was a part of you, you feel their absence everywhere you go.

I don't exactly know why this memory keeps plaguing me, but I've thought about it more in the past week or so than I have since it happened. Last year, on April 2, 2009, Anderson fell. He fell in the bathroom, face first, and he chipped his front tooth. I wasn't in our bedroom; I was probably in the living room. I heard the thud, my heart kickstarted with a rush of adrenaline and I went running. I found him on the floor banging his fist into the ground. He was really upset at himself. I was filled with more shame and guilt than I can remember. I wasn't there for him. I wasn't paying attention. I remember cradling him in my arms on the floor as we both cried. He cried out of frustration. I cried... for a lot of reasons. I cried for shame, guilt, sadness, for the pain my beloved felt... and also because I'd failed him.

There have been many moments of failure in my life but that moment tops them all. Of all the things to remember so vividly... why that one and why now? Maybe because we've been talking so much about preventing falls in the hospital. Maybe because every time I put those yellow socks on a patient, I wish that I had been half as careful and caring for my own husband to prevent his fall.

Everything worked out that day though. We canceled PT/OT for that day and found a dentist who fixed him right up. He only spent a few hours with half a front tooth... but the memory of the whole ordeal still brings me to tears every time I think about it. Maybe I'm remembering it now because after almost every shift at work, I come home feeling like a little bit of a failure. I'm not doing badly at work. I'm just nowhere near where I want to be. I'm not ready to be on my own yet and I really, really feel it. I'm really glad I have someone watching me, checking on me, and making sure that I'm doing as much as I can, and taking care of the rest that I missed. Who knows what else could go wrong in ways I didn't even know were possible... or what else I could miss while I'm not paying attention.

I got a speeding ticket the other day. I have absolutely no good reason for it; I wasn't paying attention. And because I'm such a horrible liar, that's the answer I gave the officer when he asked me why I was going 55 in a 40. I didn't even know I was going 55, nor did I know it was a 40 mph zone. That's how little I was paying attention to my surroundings.

I'm not upset though. Yes, there goes a portion of my newly-earned paycheck. I don't know how many hours of work I will sacrifice to Uncle Sam for my failure to follow the law. I came out of that particular life lesson actually kind of thankful. I'm thankful to live in a country where people are generally law-abiding and where the laws we abide by are pretty much there to protect us from ourselves. More than following the law because it's the right thing to do (positive motivation), there is that additional motivation to keep from breaking the law to avoid the consequences (negative motivation). I'm not sure if that's theoretically sound but for people who don't believe in doing the right thing for its inherent value, there's also that guide to do the right thing to avoid paying for doing the wrong thing...and also to pay for the consequences of doing the wrong thing... and in that way... more people are more likely to be protected from each other... cuz we all know that if everyone did what was right in their own eyes, chaos would ensue. There would be no end to the evils that would result from lawlessness. So... that's why laws exist and that's why I'm thankful for them... and that's why I really don't mind paying for the consequences. I deserve it. I think that having them there is very reasonable and if I'm benefiting from the system, I should also pay for my failure to abide by its laws.

I do not, however, want to be paying for these failures over and over again. It is a far better thing to be a law-abiding citizen, than to be a law-breaking one. It's cheaper, for one. And my freedoms are retained. Having not made the mistake in the first place saves me money and the time it takes for me to restitute my wrong. I haven't done traffic school in 10 years but I remember it being far from enjoyable. If only I'd paid more attention.

I've been reading about the Israelites. OK, I guess the entire Bible is about them and written by them so as long as I'm reading it daily, I'll be reading reading about them. I just finished reading the part where God gave them (through Moses) the law to follow.

you shall keep His statutes and His commandments which I am giving you today, that it may go well with you and with your children after you, and that you may live long on the land which the LORD your God is giving you for all time. Deut. 4:40

Live long and prosper. The geek in me had a little giggle every time I read that and I read it quite a few times as I was reading through the law. All Vulcans aside tho... it does make sense to me. Even though human laws are flawed because they're written by flawed humans and need to be updated from time to time... they do reinforce the fact that laws weren't made to be broken, they were meant to be followed for the greater good. And the greatest good comes from following the laws written by the Greatest Good that ever existed. Obedience. To live long and prosper, you must obey.

Obey what?

"Only be very careful to observe the commandment and the law which Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you, to love the LORD your God and walk in all His ways and keep His commandments and hold fast to Him and serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul." Joshua 22:5

I read in the New King James version usually and in that version it says "take heed" a lot. To me... that means wake up, pay attention and remember. Before the fact (as prevention) and even after the fact (to learn from my experiences)...I still need to "take heed". Here it is again:

Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Deut. 4:9

Over and over again. Must be important if it keeps coming up again and again.

Sometimes I can't help it and accidents happen even though I was paying attention, but how many accidents could have been prevented if I was paying attention more often than not? Sometimes I tend to drive in auto-pilot... in a daze. That's not the ideal way to drive, nor is it the ideal way to live life. I need to pay attention, be careful, follow the Law of love so that I may live life fully and completely the way I was intended to live it.

Alritey. Gonna stop typing now. Sleep.

Day 239 - The Limiting Reagent

I thought it'd be a good idea to stay up really late tonight. Until I realized that I've been awake now for over 21 hours. I think I'll go to bed soon.

I read through a few more of my other small group lessons from college. When I think back to myself back then, I really feel like I knew nothing compared to what I know now. But as I read my writing... I realize that perhaps I did understand a little more than I thought I did. Maybe I hadn't experienced it all yet but I couldn't have been a dimwit and have written what I wrote. Again, I was encouraged by younger-me. I think it's happened before where I've stumbled upon an old essay and I reread it and I don't even recognize what I wrote. I feel like that when I reread these things. Maybe I should go dig out my old journals from the garage. I wonder what parts of me I've forgotten and are just waiting to be rediscovered. I do recognize some parts of my writing that reflect my slightly different viewpoint now. But in essence, the style is very similar and if I was studying chemistry, I could definitely see how I could draw a spiritual parallel to what I was currently learning. The same thing happens nowadays... and instead of sharing it with just my small group, I share it on this blog. I do not, however, remember writing this or thinking these thoughts. I used to think I was the only person who would understand me. Now I'm not even sure if I remember myself anymore. I... think I'm confusing myself. Maybe I'll stop writing about myself as if I'm two different entities... even though that's how I feel sometimes.

Nope, I changed my mind. I'm going to talk to myself in [brackets] throughout this little essay thing.

The Limiting Reagent
AACF Women’s Small Group – 11.14.02

The will of God is always different from what [you] expect, always bigger, and, ultimately, infinitely more glorious than [your] wildest imaginations. – Elisabeth Elliot

[28-year-old me to 20-year-old me: girl, you have absolutely no idea what glorious plans God has in store for you. You've barely met the man you would eventually marry at this time in your life. You don't even know yet that God will give you the man of your dreams and take him away by the most horrific tragedy you could ever imagine... and you will be praising God in the midst of it. I'm excited for you and the new joy you will experience.]

We need not exert ourselves and try to force ourselves to believe, or try to chase doubt out of our hearts. Both are just as useless. It begins to dawn on us that we can bring everything to Jesus, no matter how difficult it is; and we need not be frightened away by our doubts or our weak faith, but only tell Jesus how weak our faith is. We have to let Jesus into our hearts. And He will fulfill our hearts’ desires. – O. Hallesby.

[He will fulfill the desires your heart hasn't even dared dreamed could be possible for you. In your weakness, His strength is being made perfect. Submit in faith and you will see the great and glorious things He'll do.]

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

[Hm. I guess the next logical step in my thought process was the same. Got ahead of myself in that last comment. *high five* for thinking along the same wavelength]

"He must increase, but I must decrease. - John 3:30 NASB

[you got this verse from a t-shirt. I remember that one. It was dark blue with light blue arrows going down and up. probably an AACF shirt]

I was doing devotions one night and it occurred to me, the bio major, that God working in our lives can be likened to a chemical reaction. [you're such a nerd] Yes, amusing, but let me explain myself. This is not a perfect analogy so bear with me. [go for it] Here goes… A chemical reaction requires 2 or more reagents (ingredients) that react with each other to create a product. Consider this equation/reaction:

God + Me => Abundant life

[I didn't even know you were thinking such thoughts. Were you thinking about the abundant life back then? How did I forget that? I thought all you cared about were boys?]

First of all, chemical equations must be balanced, which means that the same number of molecules on the left side will be present on the right side. For example, this equation:

2H2 + O2 => 2H2O

In nature, however, there aren’t perfect amounts of any reagent present in a system and quite often, some reagents are present in excess. Since chemical equations are balanced, if one reagent is in excess, the other reagent will be the deciding/limiting factor in how many times and how fast the reaction will take place. This reagent (not the excess one) is thus called the limiting reagent. If we look at equation 1, God (love, peace, patience, power, wisdom, etc.) is present in excess. Why doesn’t the “reaction” go on infinitely? Because the “Me” is only present when we relinquish our own control of our lives and offer the control up to God. In other words, we can choose to be part of this equation or we can choose to stay out of it. Sometimes our own sin separates us from intimacy with God. Other times our own unbelief, hopelessness, faithlessness, selfishness, or unwillingness to let go of this world limits what God can do in our lives. Not to say that God won’t work in us if we don’t want Him to, but how much more abundantly would we live if only we’d let God bless us to the fullest extent…if we stopped limiting how much He could work in us? [how much indeed.]

Is God speaking to you or telling you to do or not to do something? Do you feel that God is leading you towards a particular ministry or service? What was your answer? Are you limiting how God can work in you or through you? [you know, I'm totally learning a similar lesson right now as I read about the Israelites and their conquest of the promised land. Some tribes chose to settle before crossing the Jordan River. Some tribes did not have complete obedience as they didn't drive out all of the current inhabitants of the land they were to possess. They, themselves, limited the inheritance that God gave them because of their incomplete obedience (which is the same as disobedience). When God moves you... you go. Don't make excuses. You call Him Lord... you go all out in your obedience. No halfsies. And not just for ministry or service... with your entire heart. You love Him with all your heart. One day, you'll see what I mean...]

There is this pass-it-on with a poem on it called Let Go & Let God which reads:

As children bring their broken toys, with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God, because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help, with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again and cried,”How could you be so slow?”
“My child” He said, “What could I do? You never did let go.”

This person expected to reap the end product of equation 1 without providing God with the limiting reagent: him or herself. He/she still tried to keep control of his/her own life and in this way, God is not fully able to do His work in/through us. [I have a stack of pass-it-on's on my desk. I lost the collection you built in college though. I know they're in that yellow pochacco pencil tin. Unless you moved it and I forgot.]

God knows how we operate though… how sometimes things need to go slow. He takes us one step at a time… a step farther and higher each time. Where would we be if we refused to budge? We’d be stuck and stunted. Where would you be if you refused to leave the 2nd grade? You never would have made it to 3rd and so forth all the way up to where you are now. Much in the same way, our spiritual growth depends on the steps we take, in faith, towards the road God has chosen us to follow. With our limited vision, our human minds only want to see what’s directly in front of us or behind… what’s tangible and what we have already experienced. The future is unknown to us; it is like a darkness. How many of us would walk forward in confidence into a pitch-black room? Probably none of us, but what if God was holding our hand the whole time… leading us? Would we then step forward with confidence?

[one day, you will walk forward in darkness without God's hand...without even hearing His voice. You will walk forward in the darkness because you KNOW the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the God who created the heavens and earth, the God who promised that all things would work together for good, the God who is faithful to you... who loves you despite your repeated rejections and who loves you not because of what you do, but because of who you are... you will walk forward into the dark because your God said it will be OK and you believe it with all your heart. You will walk by faith and not by sight.]

Now it all comes down to faith. What is faith? Faith is not tangible, yet it is the deciding factor in whether or not we are followers of Christ. Do we believe in Him? Did we not trust that He rose from the dead and openly declare that He is Savior and Lord of our lives? If we say He’s Lord of our lives, isn’t that saying that He has ultimate control? We constantly fail to give God the respect and honor He deserves, but He always takes us back with open arms. You’ve probably heard me say this before, but I’ll say it again. If we take a step of faith, we just might get to walk on water (take part in a miracle). Think about it.

[I can't wait for you to fall in love after you realize His lavish love for you. I'm glad that you'll blog about it when it happens so you can read it and experience it again and again and again.]

What aspects of your life are you keeping to yourself? [I know what you're keeping to yourself. You only think you're giving everything. There will always be more that you have not yet given... for the rest of your life. Here's a quote you might like: You will always be one step of obedience away from the next truth God wants you to learn about Him - Blackaby & Blackaby]

On a different, but related note, last year in small groups we went through Becoming a Woman of Freedom by Cynthia Heald. In it was one illustration by Hannah Whitall Smith which I’ve adapted for our generation. Imagine you’re walking along the street carrying a backpack that weighs 75 lbs due to a lifetime of filth, garbage, and burdens you’ve accumulated. This backpack is killing you and is probably going to cause you back problems, but you continue to trudge on. Along comes Jesus in a beautiful, sparkling silver Lexus (or whatever you think is a REALLY nice car) and offers you a free ride to heaven. You take this ride and enter the vehicle, but continue to wear your backpack in the car, contorting yourself to carry the load of the weight on your own back. Jesus turns to you and asks you gently to put your backpack on the seat and just enjoy the ride, but you reply saying, “No thanks. You’re already giving me this ride, I couldn’t hassle you to carry my backpack as well. I’d rather handle this on my own.” How silly does this picture look? He’s already giving you a free ride to heaven and you CHOOSE to continue to break your back with this backpack full of trash. All you need to do is lay down your backpack, sit beside Jesus, and enjoy the freedom that He’s already given you. Many Christians, though, “who have given themselves into the care and keeping of the Lord Jesus still continue to bend beneath the weight of their burdens, and often go weary and heavy-laden throughout the whole length of their journey.”

[let it go, my dear. let it go. there is such freedom available to you... let it go...]

I've enjoyed having this little chat with myself. OK. I've been awake for 22 hours now. It's time to sleep.

Day 236 - pretty

I hung out with a friend today and we painted our nails. After I went home, I was looking at my nails and having them painted a shimmery raspberry color made me feel pretty. So I told her. And she said "you are!"

I sometimes have "moments". Moments where when something happens and it just hits me... all of life just stops for a second... and it makes me think.

I'm pretty?

I went to the bathroom and sat down and continued thinking about it. I realized how much I struggle with not feeling pretty or pretty enough. It sounds like a silly thing to struggle with. I hear stuff about inner beauty and I do wholeheartedly agree that inner beauty is most important... but why do I still want to be outwardly beautiful?

And... funny thing is... it doesn't count when my dad tells me I'm beautiful. It doesn't count when my aunts do either. And it doesn't even count when people say I'm beautiful in my wedding pictures... cuz I don't look like that everyday. So when does it count? From whom does it count? And why?

As I was sitting in the bathroom, I thought about how Anderson would sometimes text me "you look so pretty today" and it would make me smile. He hadn't even seen me and he'd text me... because he knew I liked hearing it and he probably knew that I needed to hear it... a lot. He'd call me his beauTIFFul. And I've said it before... that every time he did that, I'd tell him he was a liar. And every time I called him a liar, he'd turn around and tell me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and in his eyes, I was the most beautiful woman in the whole world. I don't know how many times he said it or how many times I called him a liar. He was prepared to remind me every single time. I don't even know how he could keep saying it without getting frustrated. He was just that amazing to me.

What I look like on the outside... doesn't matter as much as who I am, what I do... or Who I love. Have I mentioned before about hot personalities? There are some people I've read about who have gosh darn, jaw-dropping, HOT personalities and I've never seen what they look like. And I'm not talking about some make-believe vampire... about real people who lived, breathed, and walked this earth... maybe not at the same time as us right now, but they existed. Can't wait to meet them in heaven. And I realized that all the hotness... wasn't because of them... it was because of who they were like... and they lived out their lives in the likeness of Christ.

I wanna be that kind of beautiful. Not just pretty with pink nail polish... but that kind of beautiful that doesn't need any outward convincing... but by just describing what I do, how I react... what I care about... that's the kind of beauty I want. I wanna live up to that kind of beauty that gets texts messages from miles away... cuz he can see that I'm beautiful all the way from... where ever. And Anderson still doesn't cease to teach me valuable lessons... even from my memory.

There is one other person in my life who I remember stopped me in my tracks by telling me that I was beautiful. I remember writing about it in college. It was that impactful to me. I really wanted my small group to know in their heart of hearts that they are beautiful. I dug through my old emails and found a set of small group lessons that I'd put together back in 2002/2003. Here's some of what I collected back then from the lesson entitled "you are beautiful".

She was still and created stillness. She is beautiful to feel near. I love the quiet of her. – An African’s description of Lilias Trotter

…it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 1 Peter 3:4.

The proper understanding of everything in life begins with God. No one will ever understand the necessity of conversion who does not know why God created us. He created us “in His image” so that we would image forth His glory in the world. We were made to be prisms refracting the light of God’s glory into all of life. Why God should want to give us a share in shining with His glory is a great mystery. Call it grace or mercy or love-it is an unspeakable wonder. Once we were not. Then we existed for the glory of God! John Piper, Desiring God.

In quietness and confidence shall be your strength. Isaiah 30:15b.

(I think I used bits and pieces that someone else wrote and I added in my own comments. I didn't cite which comments were mine and which weren't but I can pretty much figure out what I inserted by my diction.)

My journey is toward His heart, not toward acceptance from others. I live, I dress, I speak, I act, I walk for Him. The old self is always ready to rear its ugly head and tell me I need to be perfect. Media constantly bombards us with ideals of beauty and products we “need” to make us beautiful. We let fashion, style, or even other people tell us how we need to be or what we need to look like. What is the truth? I will never be perfect while I’m on my journey. I love Peter for following Jesus through his own failures, and I love Paul for confessing that he was the chief of all sinners. God knows that we are always in process.

Experiences have helped me realize that what is important to God is the way I respond when I am confronted with my inadequacies. Do I condemn myself? Do I blame others? Do I get mad at God for creating me this way? Is my significance bound up in being perfect for everyone? When thoughts like these assail me, I go to the One who knows and accepts me just as I am. I ask for His truth to speak to my heart. He comforts me with the assurance that He has no expectations of flawlessness from me. And He helps me discern how to respond appropriately, in attitude or action, in front of those who witness my shortcomings.

We are continually being transformed and moving toward conformity to Christ. Now that I am in Christ, I can “lay aside” the self that demands perfection. In Christ we are new creations…the old has passed away and the new has come. So here’s the thing: all I need to be is God’s child. All the good in me is from God… all the bad in me shows me how much more work must be done. As long as we keep on striving to be better children of God, He’ll continue to bless us…all it takes is time.

...our treatment of the work of God, our forebearance and humility and meekness and perseverance under and in the face of difficulties will be everything. - William Booth

Tiff’s thoughts: This one time I was feeling really depressed and used (post-breakup syndrome) and then I ran into Linda. Among other things, Linda prayed with me and told me that I was beautiful. I was crying my eyes out and going through a REALLY agonizing day; to hear her say that I was beautiful stopped me in my tracks. Going through everyday life, we tend to get discouraged and downtrodden, especially towards midterm time or when going through relationship troubles. Hearing someone say “you’re beautiful” also doesn’t happen everyday. When I stopped to think about it, I realized that it was something that was true and it was something I had forgotten in the midst of my own misery. I’m beautiful not because of how I look, what I wear, or who tells me I am… I’m beautiful because God made me that way: and that should be enough. My worth should be in Christ and no one else. Easier said than done. Where’s your worth? Where’s your joy and happiness? Is it in God or is it in grades, or friends, or a boyfriend? Those things don’t last and WILL eventually let you down. Why not put your worth in Someone who will always be there for you and never let you down? Someone who loved you enough to die for you? Well, as an encouragement…you’re BEAUTIFUL! Don’t ever forget it!

Man. I can tell how young I was when I wrote this. My biggest problems were midterms, grades, friends, breakups and boys. I guess some things change but some things have remained the same. I think it's so fitting that my friend, Linda (whose name means "beautiful") taught me so much about being beautiful. Mm... I guess that's it for this post. No huge realizations... just a random collection of thoughts from now and then. 28-year-old me is encouraged by 20-year-old me. I wonder if I would have liked myself if I met the 20-year-old me right now. Probably not. I probably would have thought she was so snotty and full of herself. 20-year-old me might think the same about 28-year-old me. I think I'd clash with myself. K. It's late. Night!

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[1] Lilias Trotter was an artist, proclaimed by art critic John Ruskin to be potentially one of the best artists of the nineteenth century. But Trotter left the art world behind to pioneer a mission work in Muslim North Africa. She moved to another country, into circumstances that seemed unbearably hard. She worked as a missionary to a nation of people whose religion was so intolerant that they diligently tried to destroy all that she hoped to accomplish.

Day 233 - radiant grief

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that Anderson was walking around on his own. I remember him walking towards me with a sheepish grin on his face as he held a gift for me in his hands... a stuffed animal of sorts. I remember looking at his face... knowing the gift he carried was for me and I smiled... and I distinctly remember thinking that I missed seeing that face. I was rushing throughout the house... trying to clean, put things away... and also trying to find time to be alone with him. We finally found an empty room. As I was messing around with the drapes in the room, one of them fell off the hooks in my hands and I threw it aside and said I'll fix it later... and I heard his voice behind me saying "do it once, do it right" and it took me all of 10 seconds to fix it right then. I turned around and looked into his eyes and said "I love you so much". He closed his eyes... and I could tell from the way I said it... it meant so much more to him than just the words that came out of my mouth... behind the the words were the silent utterings of my heart that said "I love you", "I've missed you", "I appreciate you to the millionth degree", "thank you for loving me", "thank you for teaching me", and "you mean everything to me...and all the time in the world could pass and nothing would change that". It was a lot to say with just 5 words, but I knew that he heard it and felt it. His heart heard my heart speak with crystal clarity. And I watched and saw the evidence that his heart was moved. With his eyes closed, I watched big fat tears roll out and trickle down both his cheeks. And then I woke up. My eyes were still closed but I was awake. The last image in my head was watching his tears form and fall and the first thing I felt at the moment I woke were my own big fat tears rolling out of my closed eyes.

I woke up late and I was running out of time, but I didn't want to forget this dream. I don't dream about him often and sometimes when I do, it's not so beautiful or moving or encouraging as this. I jotted it down before I left the house. As I was typing out the gist, I cried again. I'm crying now just thinking about it. I miss my husband.

Widowdom doesn't define me. I don't want it to define me and I don't want it to be all that I talk about. At the same time, it seems like I can't get away from it either. I tried not telling people about it... but it never lasts very long. It felt fake, to hide that part of me. Could I begin an honest friendship with someone without divulging that part about me? I don't know. Maybe one day. But not now.

Weeping inconsolably beside a grave will never bring back the treasure of a lost love, nor can any blessing come from such great sadness. Sorrow causes deep scars, and indelibly writes its story on the suffering heart. We never completely recover from our greatest griefs and are never exactly the same after having passed through them. Yet sorrow that is endured in the right spirit impacts our growth favorably and brings us a greater sense of compassion for others... "The joy set before" (Heb 12:2) us should shine on our griefs just as the sun shines through the clouds, making them radiant... if we will turn from the gloom and remain faithful to the calling of God, the light will shine again and we will grow stronger. -J. R. Miller

I recently made a new friend. I didn't outright tell her about Anderson for a few weeks at least. When she finally did figure something out... she told me that when she met me, she thought the joy that I exuded came from being a newlywed. After she found out she was mistaken, she realized that the joy came from somewhere else... and that it could have only come from God Himself. That was one of the nicest encouragements I've ever heard. God was glorified and I didn't have to convince or explain a thing... my life (perhaps my heart, my eyes... my actions) said it louder than my words could have. How lovely is that?

I've met other people who read my writing with an eagerness that is amazing to me. I've met others who take breaks from studying and come visit my blog and then tell me about their life afterwards. I am so encouraged to hear how they have been encouraged and challenged by God through the outpouring of these words... of my life... memorialized little by little in relative obscurity in light of the vast sea of words, text, and information floating around on the world wide web. It's so special that something so simple and ordinary can make an impact on another human being... sometimes so far away... in a different place, a different life. I take no credit. All I do is write about what God has revealed to me. Most of the things I write about are things that take my own breath away as I realize how glorious our God is... how loving, how gracious, how wonderful, how awesome. I feel like I'd be doing God an injustice by not sharing the beauty and wonder He's allowed me to see.

I've met a lot of people since I've come home from Houston. I've reconnected with a lot of people I hadn't talked to in years. I've probably met up or caught up with more people in the past 7 months than I have in the past ten years of my life. What awesome opportunities I've been given! I don't think I've ever talked more in my entire life either. I've never had so many thoughts, nor so many urges to share these thoughts with others. I've also never been more happy, peaceful, or content. Words like awesome, lovely, beautiful, gorgeous, love you, and miss you have entered into my vocabulary with such frequency that I don't know if I could go one day without saying or writing at least one of them. What joy. What fullness. What blessing. Life is beautiful.

Radiant grief.

Light never shines as brightly as it does amidst darkness. It's all about contrast. Darkness makes light and color more vivid, more radiant, more beautiful. We watch movies in the darkness of a theater for that very reason. That pop of color in a neutral background draws your eye to it. It is special. You can't help but to notice it.

I got an email recently about someone else who, himself, is going through cancer treatment and the person who wrote it was awestruck to witness how he's handling his illness, with such hope, strength, and positivity. The radiance of our God is reflected by his life and his actions amid the darkness of cancer. Yet another example of radiance in spite of grief that should destroy us.

I'm kinda tired now. I wanted to thank you for encouraging me after my post on unawesomeness. I also wanted to thank God for encouraging me everyday in big and small ways... for leaving me love notes all over the place for me to find and be warmed and brightened... for radiating so brightly through the darkness of my grief and sorrow.

Day 230 - unawesomeness

I wanted to blog to preserve my feelings at this particular juncture in my life. It doesn't happen all the time, but maybe it should. Here goes:

I am humbled by my unawesomeness.

I hope you guys don't misunderstand me or automatically jump into reassuring me or reorienting me to the reality that mismatches with my feelings. I actually like feeling this way. OK clarification... I appreciate feeling this way in that it's not all that happy, it's not pleasant, but it is beneficial and I'd like to choose beneficial over happy-go-lucky for its inherent value more often than not. To realize my proper place in life, in work... is as honest and real as I can be right now and it's a good jumping off point to personal and spiritual growth.

Sometimes I feel like I've got multiple personalities warring within me all at once. It drives me crazy. My feelings tell me one thing, my head tells me another, and sometimes my spirit tells me something completely different. I've been more quiet and reserved lately since I've started on the floor. Perhaps when all 3 entities are warring within me, my mouth doesn't know what to say anymore. I'd like to be able to say that adjusting to the new sleep schedule has been difficult... but it hasn't really. I do wish that the dogs wouldn't bark while I'm sleeping but that's just what happens on a regular basis. I can't say that it's tough to get myself to work, because I actually enjoy and look forward to going. My co-workers are really nice, everyone's been really supportive, and my patients have been, for the most part, manageable. I do wish that I spoke more languages. Or any at all. Spanish would be a good one. Chinese too.

Basically, I think I'm feeling slow and inadequate. I don't even think I'd say that I'm struggling because I'm not ill-prepared, I'm not incompetent... I just don't feel proficient or comfortable at work just yet. When I was externing at St. Jude, I felt comfortable in what I was doing. I knew the system, I knew my preceptor's routine... I felt like I could have just slid right in and started working. I thought it might help me going into this job but... I don't really feel like it has... or maybe it did and I'm just not realizing it. Maybe my comfort level had to do with the fact that I'd spent almost two years familiarizing myself with St. Jude and working up my confidence slowly. Everything is different now. Things aren't better or worse, they're just different. Here, I'm being thrown into a different hospital, a different floor with 4 identical hallways, a bunch of different access codes, different charting, different filing, different routine, even the IV pumps are completely different at this hospital. My preceptor's super fast, super on top of things, and definitely an awesome all-around nurse. She pushes me to go faster, to be more efficient, to multi-task, to prioritize, and most of all, to do it right. She's where I want to be someday but I really don't feel like I'm ready right NOW. Intellectually, I know that I should be giving myself more time to adjust, learn the system, and then I'll become proficient but I just don't feel ready yet. I feel like a disappointment... a failure... like I'm just barely scraping by. I just finished day 4 on the floor this morning. I've got 20 more shifts to get myself ready and then I'm on my own. Scary.

Feelings are important. To neglect them would be to neglect a very large part of my personality, my character, and who I am. I always say that I know it's a good day when there's crying involved. Crying is purging. Crying is a non-verbal expression of intense emotion. When I don't know what to say, when I don't know what to do... when I'm overwhelmed either positively or negatively... I cry and every time that I cry, I know it's a good thing. I would much rather be expressing my emotion than suppressing it and becoming numb and apathetic on the inside... but that's just what I've learned about me and how I deal with things. When it comes, I just let it out. I think that's how I've come to deal with a lot of the hard things lately.

Coping mechanisms. One of the things I miss most about Anderson was his ability to be my emotional regulator. Because he loved me, he empathized with me. Whatever hurt me, hurt him. Whatever made me happy, made him happy. Because he loved me, he took the time to comfort me and he figured out, over time, the ways that worked for me. But even more than just empathizing and comforting, he took the next step. Because he loved me, he wanted to help me be better, do better... and I am a better person today because of him. And I miss that. I love my friends and family. I love that they can be there for me when I need it and ask for it. My friends and family are awesome, but they're not Anderson. They will never be my other half and they will never take his place. There is a gaping hole in my life where Anderson used to be and I've accepted that's the way it is right now and the way it might be for the rest of my life. However, there was another honkin' huge gaping hole in my soul that existed even when Anderson was here with me. That hole was so huge that no human, however awesome or brilliant, could ever fill...beyond feelings and everyday actions... this hole was there letting me know that I was missing my purpose in life, my focus, who and what I was created to be and intended to do.

But that huge hole... the thing I'd been missing out on my whole life... it has been filled, and it is only in the past year or so that I have even begun to feel the weight of that realization. Regardless of the reality I know to be true, it doesn't mean that I feel the reality all the time. I need to remind myself so I don't forget. Constantly. I remind myself so my life isn't dictated by my feelings but, as much as possible, follows the principles of the reality I know to be true. Feelings are very real, but they are only as real as the choices you make because of them.

Trust God's Word and His power more than you trust your own feelings and experiences. Remember, your Rock is Christ, and it is the sea that ebbs and flows with the tides, not Him. -Samuel Rutherford.

So yes. I feel unawesome. Anti-awesome. Whatever the opposite of awesome is. And... I think that's OK. For me... there's usually at least two choices I can make in any given situation. For my unawesomeness... I can think of two right off the bat. (1) I can let it get to me and drift into self-pity and depression or (2) I can take it as a reality check and a challenge for me to work towards getting where I need to be. When you're trying to get somewhere, what you really need to know is your starting point and your destination. An incorrect assessment of your starting point will give you the wrong reference points and the wrong directions. And just like the GPS... what's more helpful than a google map printout of rights and lefts (although it's definitely good to have an overview), are instructions pertinent to your current situation... a reminder immediately before you need to make the turn. One turn at a time... that's how you get to your destination.

So what is my destination? Yes, in the short run I would like to be like my preceptor. Since she's so awesome... I can grow to be awesome, jr. In the long run, there's no One I'd rather be other than just like Jesus. What do nurses do? They care. Jesus cared about others more than he cared about Himself. Nurses educate? Jesus taught. There's nothing He didn't know, no question, no riddle He couldn't answer. Nurses follow doctor's orders? Jesus followed God's commands... shoot, He IS the great Physician. He created the people who created IV pumps... He surely knows everything inside and out. Nurses care for the health of the whole patient? Jesus'll take care of all your needs, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. It is my ultimate destination to be a Jesus, jr... to be the best nurse I can, the best person, the best daughter, the best small group leader, the best everything... all I need to be is like Jesus... the Word of God incarnate. The Words and principles He lived by carry with them the promises of righteousness and abundant life.

Hm. I feel better now. I know not that many people read my writing anymore... but this is how I'm feeling about work. I know lots of people are going to continue asking me... and I'll try my best to give them the best answer possible as if it were the first time I was answering the question. I think one of the things I don't like about repeating myself over and over again is that it's almost never as impactful as when you say it the first time unless there are new revelations and new growth that occur on a daily basis so every time you say it, you're saying something new. K. That can be another new goal. To grow a little bit everyday so there's always something new to say.

Going to stop now. Took me a long time to write this one.

When I cannot feel the faith of assurance, I live by the fact of God's faithfulness. -Matthew Henry.

Day 228 - shift

I used to think that I'd lose half a day before and half a day after working the night shift. The other night, I realized that I didn't need to lose the "day" before... I would just shift the waking hours and stay up as late as possible the night before. So this is why I'm still up at 4am. I'm making the most out of my "day" which is the night for everyone else.

When I was in college and even afterwards, I'd stay up really late. There was something about the quiet of the wee hours of the morning that I had grown to love. No one's bothering me... even the dogs aren't barking...nothing is open so there are no errands to run...everyone's sleeping so there's no one to hang out with... it's just me... existing at home while the rest of the world lays still and quiet. For me, it's a magical time. I'm glad that I have a chance to reclaim the magical time in preparation for a work night. It's very restful and peaceful.

I don't stay up and do nothing. I feel like shifting my day to the nighttime is like getting a chance to do my things and I have lots of time to do it. Things I'd like to do but have put off due to busyness or those things that have dropped lower and lower on my priority list in favor of better things. Things like... rearranging the clothes hanging in my closet, cleaning, organizing, or tying up non-urgent loose ends. Or doing things that I'd do anyway but can just take my time doing... like folding my laundry (and smelling each piece as I put it away...) or cleaning my bathroom. If a button fell off my cardigan, I have the time to stop and sew it back on. Having time to do these very simple things in the way I would like to do them makes me happy.

I did have a thought the other night while cleaning my bathroom. I apologize in advance. This is going to be a little bit boring. I doubt this will be relateable for many of you but maybe it will for some. There was this area in my shower that was getting visibly dirty. It looked like kind of a light gray smudge at first and then the smudge just kept growing as time passed. The rest of the tub looked clean so I didn't really bother with the smudge. I actually don't like showering. It takes a little bit of gumption to get myself to shower and sometimes if I'm really super duper lazy and tired, I won't shower at all and I'll just go to bed. Anderson thought it was really gross. Every time he'd miss a shower, he'd say he was pulling a Tiff. Funny thing was... he'd always comment how good I smelled on a day that I didn't shower the night before. I really wonder what he was smelling. I always shower after working out tho... but how often does that happen? I absolutely always shower after coming home from the hospital. OK. Anyway. So my showers (when they happen) are usually pretty quick. I also prefer to clean my shower/tub while I'm actually in it, usually after taking a shower, so cleaning would make my shower time longer. Oh, it's also winter so it gets REALLY cold after I turn the water off... which also is a cleaning deterrent for me.

I forget when I was doing it but I had a lot of time that particular day/night and I decided to finally clean my tub. I started out with the smudge. I use Mrs. Meyer's scrub which smells good, but it's supposed to be gentle and biodegradable whatever-whats-it so it's probably not as strong as Comet or some cleanser with bleach in it. The smudge cleaned off pretty easily... but then as I scrubbed, I realized that along the edges of the smudge... the slurry (water with scrub) was greyish as well. I added more scrub, made more slurry... and realized that I'd have to clean the entire tub. As I scrubbed around, I realized that the tub had gotten dirtier than I'd thought. It still looked white but after the cleaning, I'd realized that the white my eyes had gotten accustomed to wasn't the white of pure cleanliness. It was a relative white that had gradually changed colors as little by little, the dirt had accumulated.

Similarly, my shower door is clear, unfrosted glass. I squeegee my shower doors after every single shower to keep it clean and free from soap scum. But my shower doors were getting to the point that, although I could still see perfectly through them, they were also starting to show some signs of soap scum so I decided to clean those too. Once again, I've been using some biodegradable natural whatever-whats-it glass cleaner, which again, smells good (citrus) but probably doesn't work as well as Windex. It takes a little more elbow grease to wipe it clean. I sprayed, I wiped. Sprayed and wiped. The more I wiped, the more I realized I needed to spray some more. After a good, thorough cleaning of my glass shower doors, I'd realized that the shower doors I thought were clean, weren't really clean at all compared to the clarity of freshly cleaned glass. I had been looking through foggy glass this whole time.

I don't know why but cleaning glass, mirrors, and especially the brushed chrome of the faucets is the most gratifying part of cleaning the bathroom. And what I'm actually doing is removing the buildup and accumulation of daily use, and restoring the surface to the beauty of its original luster (or at least as close as I can get it given it's not brand spankin' new anymore).

I'm not all that passionate about cleaning. You might think that's a lie since I just wrote 4 paragraphs about it, but it is something that I enjoy and that I constantly find life lessons in. I wrote a long time ago, when I was living in the hospital with Anderson, that a little maintenance goes a long way. This time, the lesson I learned that clean isn't clean when your standard of cleanliness is comparing today to the status quo of yesterday. Lots of things unknowingly build up day to day... probably undetectable to the human eye at first... but once you hit the point where it manifests itself and is visible... it's already beyond the point of maintenance cleaning... you've gotta really put some chemicals and elbow grease to scrub it clean.

Like the smear on the tub... it is possible to live with it. The shower still functions but... the smudge is there. And it grows... dirtying the place with which you are supposed to enter dirty and exit clean... so you might not exit as clean as you should have. Like my glass shower door... even though I squeegee it every single day... it's not the same as a real cleaning and the accumulation of soap scum starts to slowly cloud my vision and you can't see as clearly through it. Yes, you can still see, but the visibility is not crystal clear and sharp... it's a little bit foggy. And cleanliness IS close to godliness in the sense that God is holy and in Him there is no blemish, no sin, no dirt, no darkness. He is perfectly beautiful in all His glory, in all His original (and this time perfect) luster and shine. Removing the dirt and scum (that is not intended to be there) brings it (and us) closer to godliness.

If you haven't guessed now that I'm talking about sin... uh... I'm letting you know right now. How did I let things get to this point? Because I had been using the wrong standard of cleanliness on a day to day basis. K... it's probably not in all wisdom or usefulness of time to do a thorough cleansing of my bathroom every single day, but for us and our hearts... that's what we really should be doing. And we should do so with urgency. If someone else were to come over to my house, for sure I'd clean the bathroom for them. There's some accountability there and out of respect and honor for my guest, I would want to present this room, in particular, at its best. Now if I shift my mentality and attitude in that, my life (my bathroom) is not my own... and I'm just here housesitting or something for a short time for Someone... and how I do with this housesitting is a reflection of what will be entrusted to me in the future, how can I just "let it go" and say that it's clean when it really isn't? The true standard of cleanliness is absolute holiness and the Person to whom I present my life is not satisfied with anything less. And sort of like my cleaning chemicals... which might be "gentle" and smell good... they are not particularly effective or efficient to reach the standard of cleanliness that I need to obtain to make myself (or my bathroom) presentable to God. I need to use His cleaning stuff... Jesus's blood which powerfully conquers dirt and sin, which never runs out, and which will continue to work today, tomorrow, and forever for all the bathrooms (lives) that ever and will ever exist.

Alritey... it's been an hour. I'm going to stop now. And take a shower, actually. Or maybe not. :P

Day 223 - Work & Twilight

It's been a while since I've last updated. Sorry if you were wondering or waiting. I've been a mixture of busy and tired and other things have taken priority over blogging... but I have had some thoughts to share. Not brilliant ones seeing as I do feel jetlagged all the time (just like a friend warned me I would) and my brain seems to be firing on half strength most of the time.

Work updates:

So, my whole schooling/work situation is a little bit complicated. I shall try to explain it all (from the start of the decade, omg) and hopefully it will be understandable.

1. 4 years undergrad at UCI - graduated with Bachelor's in Biological Sciences
2. 1 year work at an eco/evo lab at UCI - applied to grad school during this year
3. 2 years grad school at Cal State Fullerton - graduated with a Master of Public Health degree. I graduated and then went straight into my nursing program... so yes, I graduated, but no, I was not done with school yet.
   
4. 1.5 years of 3 completed prior to finding out about Anderson's 2nd brain tumor recurrence in January of 2009. Was in an entry-level Master of Nursing program at CSUF. At this point, I was able to take my NCLEX (nursing boards) and became licensed in February 2009. Took a leave of absence from school for 2 semesters to go with Anderson to Texas. Came home in early August 2009, started classes again at the end of August 2009.
5. Fall 2009 - completed 5 courses towards my masters degree in nursing.
6. Jan 2010 - transferred into the entry-level Bachelor of Nursing program.
7. CURRENT - Jan-May 2010 - taking one last online course to complete my BSN
8. CURRENT - End of Jan 2010 - hired as a new graduate nurse at Anaheim Regional Medical Center on the telemetry/oncology (cardiac medical/surgical patients and cancer patients) on the night shift (hours 6pm-6:30am) for approx 2 shifts per week while I'm taking the new graduate courses. I will be working with my preceptor (an experienced R.N.) for 23 shifts and then I'm on my own. 22 now, I guess since I've already done my first one.
   
9. CURRENT - New Graduate Courses - once a week during the day for 6 weeks, plus an EKG course, ACLS course (I'm certified but I'll probably just take it again for review), and telemetry classes which will extend until sometime around June 2010.

Summary - I have "work" one day a week during the day and two shifts at night from 6p-6:30a. I work when my preceptor works so I won't know my schedule until she does.

Hm. It still looks kind of complicated. Hope you all understand it a little bit better.

Sorry for the boring stuff. My first shift went really well. I started out a little bit overwhelmed with all the charting/paperwork, figuring out the floor which has 4 identical hallways, remembering the door/medcart codes, where to get linens and supplies, etc. etc. I got to clock in for the first time. Everyone's really anal about it. Very long line at 6:30am, on the dot, to clock out. :) I also got to use the Pyxis (medication vending machine) for the first time! No more asking my nurse to get my Pyxis meds for me... I can do it myself! Got my finger scanned and everything. :D I ended the shift pretty tired and pretty excited. One thing I like about night shift is that when I'm done with work, the sun is out. The brisk, morning air is so refreshing.

Something interesting... about work... is that almost ALL my co-workers are in LOVE with Twilight. I got to use a Twilight reference during my retreat speaking and I thought that made the reading worth it, but actually being able to connect with my co-workers about something non-work-related right off the bat was nice too. Thanks again, Laura Bear.

I finally finished the 4th Twilight book yesterday. I say finally because it took me a while and it was slightly torturous. I'm so relieved, but I'm actually glad I read it. K, I just read Romans today about not having an exalted view of my own opinion and I'm not... it's just my opinion. I'm sorry if it offends anyone. I've heard many mixed feelings on Twilight... some ppl love it (I say ppl, but I think I really mean girls/women), some people hate it, some are "eh" about it (my fave comment is "I felt like my brain cells were dying as I was reading..."), but I think what's kind of interesting is that I've had more conversations about Twilight than I've had about Harry Potter, which I love and which I think is far superior to Twilight. I know they're completely different but on the inside sleeve of the Twilight book, one commentator said "move over Harry Potter" and I was kind of offended.

I was chatting with another friend lately who was surprised that I was reading Twilight and who sent me a link about 40-year-old-female Twilight fanatics. If my co-workers were pictured there, I wouldn't be surprised. Someone said that they've read each book multiple times. MULTIPLE TIMES! Once is more than enough for me. That and how I've been able to talk to so many women across so many ages, at church, at work, in my family... about something like Twilight... got me thinking about WHY. Why in the world is this book so popular? It's definitely not for the writing. It must not be for Bella because she's so annoying. I cannot relate to her, I don't find hardly any redeeming qualities about her, and I spent most of the series being really irritated at her, her thoughts, and her actions. Sense and Sensibility... now Jane Austen writes about two women, one that I can totally see myself acting like, and one that I totally would like the strength of character to be like. And they all get their men, but somehow the endings of Austen's books are so much more gratifying to me. And I don't read a lot. So... yeah. Anyway, back to Twilight...

If it's not for Bella, then I think people like reading it for the guys. For me, I kinda just wanted to read it for the same reason that even though I'm watching a crappy movie, I will still finish it just to get some closure and see what happens at the end. I just wanted to know what happens. She's got an interesting imagination; I'll give her that. But back to the guys... Edward and Jacob. Most people like Edward. Some ppl like Jacob. Taylor Lautner's pretty hot so I tend to gravitate towards Jacob, but even for his character in the book too. If I had to choose between the two, I'd choose Jacob... because he's more "real". Flawed with a temper, but he's more realistic.

Meyer writes some fairly annoying characters, but one thing I think she's got a firm grasp on is that true love is sacrificial. I see it in how she describes the relationships and how it goes beyond physical attraction (and maybe if you look beyond the Grecian-god-like physique, musical talent, athleticism, intellect, outrageously fancy cars and unlimited money at his disposal) to sacrificing yourself for the one you love and having him sacrifice himself for you. Granted... the types of sacrifices they make for each other in the book are really WAY out there, but if you boil it down to the essence... Edward sacrifices for Bella, and later on, she does the same for him and others as well. I'm taking a stab here... but I think girls/women like Edward because he's what they want but probably don't have. And I think that's really kind of sad. Firstly, because he's a fictional character creating impossible standards for real guys out there, and secondly... that most women just don't have that kind of love that they so desperately crave. I used to think that oh little girls are reading it and they're left pining after someone in the future, but with the realization that these grown women with husbands are in love with the book... made me sad to realize that there is no difference between the teenager reading it and the middle-aged woman reading it... this is something they're probably not getting in real life which is why they love to escape into a world where it exists through Twilight. I could be totally wrong here. Just my opinion.

I'm really, quite happy and satisfied with my life. Sometimes even telling my story to other people makes them cry. Shouldn't it make ME cry more than it makes others cry? A lot of times, other people's reaction is my own reality check in that I should be more grateful and more appreciative of the life I've been given and the state of my heart and my life right now. If I never marry again, I think I'll be OK. I'm pretty satisfied with my 6 really awesome months of marriage in which I experienced sacrificial love first hand. I think that might be more than some experience in their lifetime and I know I'm very, very blessed to have been loved that way. I've experienced that love that is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast... the love that believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things... the love that never fails in real flesh and blood. Would you think that having experienced it and having it taken away would leave me in even more desire of it than I would having not experienced it at all? You betcha.

I've come to realize that God's love is perfect and God's love fulfills me in ways that I never thought possible. God was just some vague "thing" somewhere out there that I had never really experienced but just knew that He existed. For reals... I've lived all my life having heard of it but never experiencing it... and now that I have, I can't imagine living without it... and I never have to. That is the beauty of being in a relationship with Someone who is eternal, who is constant and never changes, who always burns with passionate, sacrificial love... a love that is not dependent on anything I do but that is mine simply for the fact that it is. And I wouldn't have been able to see it or experience it, had I not lost my husband to brain cancer. I never would have chosen this life for myself, but I've said it many times before... that God's way is better than Tiff's way 100% of the time. He knew exactly what, who, where, when I needed and instead of fighting it, refusing it, or denying it... I accepted it. And what a marvelous thing it is to receive.

Sometimes I wish Asian people weren't so "polite" about refusing gifts. I also wish they weren't so return-the-favor-with-a-bigger-gift. When the gift is especially precious and priceless, specially chosen, specially personalized, specially prepared just for you... just take it. It's meant for no one else and cannot be re-gifted to anyone else either. I didn't deserve my gift, but that doesn't mean that I'll refuse it just because I can't give an equal one in return. I take it and give back what I can... which is all of me. You know what's super awesome... is that you have your gift too. It's already yours, already offered to you... it's just waiting for you to take it, use it, experience life with it... experience freedom, experience being transformed, renewed into the best version of yourself and to continue to be transformed for the rest of your life... and being passionate, fulfilled, and joyful regardless of your circumstances. It's the best thing that happened in my life and I know it will be the same for you too.

Just goes to show that when you see God in everything... He calms and colors everything you see... even things like Twilight.