I am humbled by my unawesomeness.
I hope you guys don't misunderstand me or automatically jump into reassuring me or reorienting me to the reality that mismatches with my feelings. I actually like feeling this way. OK clarification... I appreciate feeling this way in that it's not all that happy, it's not pleasant, but it is beneficial and I'd like to choose beneficial over happy-go-lucky for its inherent value more often than not. To realize my proper place in life, in work... is as honest and real as I can be right now and it's a good jumping off point to personal and spiritual growth.
Sometimes I feel like I've got multiple personalities warring within me all at once. It drives me crazy. My feelings tell me one thing, my head tells me another, and sometimes my spirit tells me something completely different. I've been more quiet and reserved lately since I've started on the floor. Perhaps when all 3 entities are warring within me, my mouth doesn't know what to say anymore. I'd like to be able to say that adjusting to the new sleep schedule has been difficult... but it hasn't really. I do wish that the dogs wouldn't bark while I'm sleeping but that's just what happens on a regular basis. I can't say that it's tough to get myself to work, because I actually enjoy and look forward to going. My co-workers are really nice, everyone's been really supportive, and my patients have been, for the most part, manageable. I do wish that I spoke more languages. Or any at all. Spanish would be a good one. Chinese too.
Basically, I think I'm feeling slow and inadequate. I don't even think I'd say that I'm struggling because I'm not ill-prepared, I'm not incompetent... I just don't feel proficient or comfortable at work just yet. When I was externing at St. Jude, I felt comfortable in what I was doing. I knew the system, I knew my preceptor's routine... I felt like I could have just slid right in and started working. I thought it might help me going into this job but... I don't really feel like it has... or maybe it did and I'm just not realizing it. Maybe my comfort level had to do with the fact that I'd spent almost two years familiarizing myself with St. Jude and working up my confidence slowly. Everything is different now. Things aren't better or worse, they're just different. Here, I'm being thrown into a different hospital, a different floor with 4 identical hallways, a bunch of different access codes, different charting, different filing, different routine, even the IV pumps are completely different at this hospital. My preceptor's super fast, super on top of things, and definitely an awesome all-around nurse. She pushes me to go faster, to be more efficient, to multi-task, to prioritize, and most of all, to do it right. She's where I want to be someday but I really don't feel like I'm ready right NOW. Intellectually, I know that I should be giving myself more time to adjust, learn the system, and then I'll become proficient but I just don't feel ready yet. I feel like a disappointment... a failure... like I'm just barely scraping by. I just finished day 4 on the floor this morning. I've got 20 more shifts to get myself ready and then I'm on my own. Scary.
Feelings are important. To neglect them would be to neglect a very large part of my personality, my character, and who I am. I always say that I know it's a good day when there's crying involved. Crying is purging. Crying is a non-verbal expression of intense emotion. When I don't know what to say, when I don't know what to do... when I'm overwhelmed either positively or negatively... I cry and every time that I cry, I know it's a good thing. I would much rather be expressing my emotion than suppressing it and becoming numb and apathetic on the inside... but that's just what I've learned about me and how I deal with things. When it comes, I just let it out. I think that's how I've come to deal with a lot of the hard things lately.
Coping mechanisms. One of the things I miss most about Anderson was his ability to be my emotional regulator. Because he loved me, he empathized with me. Whatever hurt me, hurt him. Whatever made me happy, made him happy. Because he loved me, he took the time to comfort me and he figured out, over time, the ways that worked for me. But even more than just empathizing and comforting, he took the next step. Because he loved me, he wanted to help me be better, do better... and I am a better person today because of him. And I miss that. I love my friends and family. I love that they can be there for me when I need it and ask for it. My friends and family are awesome, but they're not Anderson. They will never be my other half and they will never take his place. There is a gaping hole in my life where Anderson used to be and I've accepted that's the way it is right now and the way it might be for the rest of my life. However, there was another honkin' huge gaping hole in my soul that existed even when Anderson was here with me. That hole was so huge that no human, however awesome or brilliant, could ever fill...beyond feelings and everyday actions... this hole was there letting me know that I was missing my purpose in life, my focus, who and what I was created to be and intended to do.
But that huge hole... the thing I'd been missing out on my whole life... it has been filled, and it is only in the past year or so that I have even begun to feel the weight of that realization. Regardless of the reality I know to be true, it doesn't mean that I feel the reality all the time. I need to remind myself so I don't forget. Constantly. I remind myself so my life isn't dictated by my feelings but, as much as possible, follows the principles of the reality I know to be true. Feelings are very real, but they are only as real as the choices you make because of them.
Trust God's Word and His power more than you trust your own feelings and experiences. Remember, your Rock is Christ, and it is the sea that ebbs and flows with the tides, not Him. -Samuel Rutherford.
So yes. I feel unawesome. Anti-awesome. Whatever the opposite of awesome is. And... I think that's OK. For me... there's usually at least two choices I can make in any given situation. For my unawesomeness... I can think of two right off the bat. (1) I can let it get to me and drift into self-pity and depression or (2) I can take it as a reality check and a challenge for me to work towards getting where I need to be. When you're trying to get somewhere, what you really need to know is your starting point and your destination. An incorrect assessment of your starting point will give you the wrong reference points and the wrong directions. And just like the GPS... what's more helpful than a google map printout of rights and lefts (although it's definitely good to have an overview), are instructions pertinent to your current situation... a reminder immediately before you need to make the turn. One turn at a time... that's how you get to your destination.
So what is my destination? Yes, in the short run I would like to be like my preceptor. Since she's so awesome... I can grow to be awesome, jr. In the long run, there's no One I'd rather be other than just like Jesus. What do nurses do? They care. Jesus cared about others more than he cared about Himself. Nurses educate? Jesus taught. There's nothing He didn't know, no question, no riddle He couldn't answer. Nurses follow doctor's orders? Jesus followed God's commands... shoot, He IS the great Physician. He created the people who created IV pumps... He surely knows everything inside and out. Nurses care for the health of the whole patient? Jesus'll take care of all your needs, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. It is my ultimate destination to be a Jesus, jr... to be the best nurse I can, the best person, the best daughter, the best small group leader, the best everything... all I need to be is like Jesus... the Word of God incarnate. The Words and principles He lived by carry with them the promises of righteousness and abundant life.
Hm. I feel better now. I know not that many people read my writing anymore... but this is how I'm feeling about work. I know lots of people are going to continue asking me... and I'll try my best to give them the best answer possible as if it were the first time I was answering the question. I think one of the things I don't like about repeating myself over and over again is that it's almost never as impactful as when you say it the first time unless there are new revelations and new growth that occur on a daily basis so every time you say it, you're saying something new. K. That can be another new goal. To grow a little bit everyday so there's always something new to say.
Going to stop now. Took me a long time to write this one.
When I cannot feel the faith of assurance, I live by the fact of God's faithfulness. -Matthew Henry.
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