Yesterday...it was 8 months since Anderson's passing. It really is hard to believe. Lately, I've been having flashbacks more frequently than usual about our lives together here, around the neighborhood, and even in Houston. I really don't feel that I need to avoid any places or activities for fear of overwhelming sorrow or emotion. I'd actually invite those moments with willingness. And it also doesn't take anything special to remind me of him. Everything still reminds me of him. When someone was a part of you, you feel their absence everywhere you go.
I don't exactly know why this memory keeps plaguing me, but I've thought about it more in the past week or so than I have since it happened. Last year, on April 2, 2009, Anderson fell. He fell in the bathroom, face first, and he chipped his front tooth. I wasn't in our bedroom; I was probably in the living room. I heard the thud, my heart kickstarted with a rush of adrenaline and I went running. I found him on the floor banging his fist into the ground. He was really upset at himself. I was filled with more shame and guilt than I can remember. I wasn't there for him. I wasn't paying attention. I remember cradling him in my arms on the floor as we both cried. He cried out of frustration. I cried... for a lot of reasons. I cried for shame, guilt, sadness, for the pain my beloved felt... and also because I'd failed him.
There have been many moments of failure in my life but that moment tops them all. Of all the things to remember so vividly... why that one and why now? Maybe because we've been talking so much about preventing falls in the hospital. Maybe because every time I put those yellow socks on a patient, I wish that I had been half as careful and caring for my own husband to prevent his fall.
Everything worked out that day though. We canceled PT/OT for that day and found a dentist who fixed him right up. He only spent a few hours with half a front tooth... but the memory of the whole ordeal still brings me to tears every time I think about it. Maybe I'm remembering it now because after almost every shift at work, I come home feeling like a little bit of a failure. I'm not doing badly at work. I'm just nowhere near where I want to be. I'm not ready to be on my own yet and I really, really feel it. I'm really glad I have someone watching me, checking on me, and making sure that I'm doing as much as I can, and taking care of the rest that I missed. Who knows what else could go wrong in ways I didn't even know were possible... or what else I could miss while I'm not paying attention.
I got a speeding ticket the other day. I have absolutely no good reason for it; I wasn't paying attention. And because I'm such a horrible liar, that's the answer I gave the officer when he asked me why I was going 55 in a 40. I didn't even know I was going 55, nor did I know it was a 40 mph zone. That's how little I was paying attention to my surroundings.
I'm not upset though. Yes, there goes a portion of my newly-earned paycheck. I don't know how many hours of work I will sacrifice to Uncle Sam for my failure to follow the law. I came out of that particular life lesson actually kind of thankful. I'm thankful to live in a country where people are generally law-abiding and where the laws we abide by are pretty much there to protect us from ourselves. More than following the law because it's the right thing to do (positive motivation), there is that additional motivation to keep from breaking the law to avoid the consequences (negative motivation). I'm not sure if that's theoretically sound but for people who don't believe in doing the right thing for its inherent value, there's also that guide to do the right thing to avoid paying for doing the wrong thing...and also to pay for the consequences of doing the wrong thing... and in that way... more people are more likely to be protected from each other... cuz we all know that if everyone did what was right in their own eyes, chaos would ensue. There would be no end to the evils that would result from lawlessness. So... that's why laws exist and that's why I'm thankful for them... and that's why I really don't mind paying for the consequences. I deserve it. I think that having them there is very reasonable and if I'm benefiting from the system, I should also pay for my failure to abide by its laws.
I do not, however, want to be paying for these failures over and over again. It is a far better thing to be a law-abiding citizen, than to be a law-breaking one. It's cheaper, for one. And my freedoms are retained. Having not made the mistake in the first place saves me money and the time it takes for me to restitute my wrong. I haven't done traffic school in 10 years but I remember it being far from enjoyable. If only I'd paid more attention.
I've been reading about the Israelites. OK, I guess the entire Bible is about them and written by them so as long as I'm reading it daily, I'll be reading reading about them. I just finished reading the part where God gave them (through Moses) the law to follow.
you shall keep His statutes and His commandments which I am giving you today, that it may go well with you and with your children after you, and that you may live long on the land which the LORD your God is giving you for all time. Deut. 4:40
Live long and prosper. The geek in me had a little giggle every time I read that and I read it quite a few times as I was reading through the law. All Vulcans aside tho... it does make sense to me. Even though human laws are flawed because they're written by flawed humans and need to be updated from time to time... they do reinforce the fact that laws weren't made to be broken, they were meant to be followed for the greater good. And the greatest good comes from following the laws written by the Greatest Good that ever existed. Obedience. To live long and prosper, you must obey.
Obey what?
"Only be very careful to observe the commandment and the law which Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you, to love the LORD your God and walk in all His ways and keep His commandments and hold fast to Him and serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul." Joshua 22:5
I read in the New King James version usually and in that version it says "take heed" a lot. To me... that means wake up, pay attention and remember. Before the fact (as prevention) and even after the fact (to learn from my experiences)...I still need to "take heed". Here it is again:
Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Deut. 4:9
Over and over again. Must be important if it keeps coming up again and again.
Sometimes I can't help it and accidents happen even though I was paying attention, but how many accidents could have been prevented if I was paying attention more often than not? Sometimes I tend to drive in auto-pilot... in a daze. That's not the ideal way to drive, nor is it the ideal way to live life. I need to pay attention, be careful, follow the Law of love so that I may live life fully and completely the way I was intended to live it.
Alritey. Gonna stop typing now. Sleep.
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