Day 302 - I survived

Alritey... well, I told you guys I'd update you with how work went my first day being on my own.

Everything went ok. I'm sure you would tell me "I told you so" but... how would I know that before it happened? I guess... compared to some of the other things I've been through, getting through my first real day of work seems like such a small thing... but it was kind of a big thing. One more step I'm taking towards growing up, I guess. Moving on. Growing. A milestone if you will. I'm sure I'll look back one day and tell other people that they'll be fine, not to worry... don't freak out... eh. I dunno. I just thought I'd write about my feelings about my first day on my own... just for me if anything.

I'll just describe my last 3 days of work.

Day 1:
Was supposed to be my final day on orientation, but during that shift, I sat down with one of my managers and we found out that they had counted a day that I wasn't working so I actually would get an extra day on orientation. :) Also, I wasn't working with my regular preceptor... I was working with another nurse. It was a really good day at work. Things went smoothly, no problems... I had plenty of time to do everything I needed to get done and I did take my time.

Day 2:
My last day on orientation. I was working with my regular preceptor so I had to get a whole new set of patients, which was fine. It was also a very good day at work. I finished my work quickly, no problems, everything went smoothly, had lots of time to fill out my skills day packet, did some self-learning education things from the yellow folder at work... it was just a very smooth day. My preceptor left me by myself pretty much the entire shift. It was almost like I was on my own already.

Day 3:
Had a crazy beginning. I got a few of my patients back but one was discharging at 6pm and another was getting discharge orders written at 6pm (when I get to work), I got a new patient (with communication problems w/pharmacy and more communication issues with the admitting doc, plus stuff & skills I'd never done before), and one of my patients from yesterday. Thankfully, my preceptor was the resource nurse that day so her job was to float around and help everyone else so I really needed her to help me at the beginning of the shift when all the craziness was going on. By about 10:30pm all the craziness died down, meds were passed, patients were stable and settled, caught up on charting... and then sat down and realized that I had 2 empty beds which could possibly mean 2 admissions. I was bracing myself for more crazy. Thankfully again, my manager was really nice and she didn't give me another admit in the middle of my crazy period from 6:30-10:30pm and since there were too many staff nurses working that day, she sent a nurse home... the same nurse from my work day 1 so that nurse gave me 2 of her patients... 2 patients that I already knew and had taken care of two days ago. So the day ended up totally fine. I also went to skills day for two hours after work (which is something that the hospital does to make sure that the staff are updated and reminded about important skills and policies). I had a donut. Watching Chuck last week made me want to eat donuts so since they had them there for us... I ate one and it was beyond delicious. Just a chocolate cake one with glaze and sprinkles. Yummy.

Very many thoughts but... none of them fully formed yet.

I feel very thankful. Thankful for my job... thankful for my co-workers, for my manager, for being done with school, for being blessed with all the desires of my heart...

I realized the other day that I pretty much always get what I want. I remember thinking in Jr. Hi that I will ALWAYS get what I want and if I don't have it, I'll go get it. I distinctly remember thinking that way. Nowadays... it just seems like... either my wants have changed, my needs are different, I'm extraordinarily blessed... maybe all of the above, but the things that my heart wants, just always seem to come. Or maybe I've just learned... contentment.

Things that I don't have... if I don't get them... it's fine. Things that I want, but don't need... didn't really need them anyway so whether or not I have it, it's usually OK. There's always a silver lining, always something to be thankful for. And I know I used to always force myself to "look on the bright side" but nowadays it just seems like all of life is a bright side. I don't really need to convince myself to be appreciative... I AM appreciative. This is really different for me. I used to be very rational about things... and then will myself into doing what was rational... but something happened. Something changed. Maybe... it was that I was living life one way but my heart was never really aligned with the way I wanted to live. It just wasn't natural. Now things are aligned and things make sense. Life is very calm and peaceful nowadays. I don't even know if what I'm saying is making any sense. Like I said before... lots of thoughts but none are very clear.

Anyway... the whole point is that I'm feeling very thankful for the way everything turned out. Things weren't perfect but I survived... I made it through... and I appreciate all the little things that happened here and there that made a tough time just a little bit easier.