Definitely no plan to this blog post. Just going to empty my head.
Hope.
It's been something that has been hitting me over and over again in small ways here and there for the past month or so.
I think it started when a co-worker asked me what my sign was so that he could look up my horoscope after he'd just finished looking up his own. I thought it was amusing and interesting. He seemed awestruck at how accurate his horoscope was even though it only appeared to tell him the events of his day yesterday.
Driving home, I think I was listening to the radio and there was an ad playing for the best psychic hotline reading you'll ever have. People seemed to gain confidence by having someone who didn't know them, tell them what to do in order to have a successful new relationship or guide them through their current situation. I think one woman said that she was so excited to start her new relationship with the steps she had to take in order to make it happen. It gave her confidence and boldness. I'm really not sure what the psychic could have said other than some form of "go for it" but... yeah. I dunno. It really hit me at how desperate people are to have some form of guidance or direction... to have someone tell them what to do... to proceed into the future with confidence and hope... not fearing the outcome but looking forward to what lies ahead... because they know that what lies ahead are good things. I'm very certain that no psychic is going to promise destruction and calamity. Who would pay for that? Seriously?
Everyone wants to know that everything's going to be OK. Everyone wants to have a happy ending. Very many times, people already know what to do to get there... but are also very unwilling to do what it takes to get there. A quick and easy way to getting what you want. Instant gratification. It does have appeal. In weighing whether or not something is worth it... sometimes people are willing to pay a high cost for convenience. I know that since I've been working, I've been more likely to just pay a little more to save me some time and hassle. But sometimes... some things... are not worth it. Some things are worth the investment. Some things are worth taking the slow, the narrow, the road less traveled. Persevering. Knowing which things are worth it and which aren't... I'm not sure how one arrives at being good at making those distinctions. Wisdom? Experience?
Very lately, I think I've been noticing that the people around me are suffering a great deal. Health problems, relationship problems, life problems... I'm sure at any given moment a lot of people around me are suffering but the past few weeks, I think I've been moved more than usual. My heart goes out to them. The area between my eyebrows finds itself furrowed when I remember them. At times, I also find myself in a very... odd state. It feels like my heart is weeping but... my eyes are not. Sometimes my eyes weep too but the mourning is going on... deep inside. It is like... silent wailing. Sometimes... it is all I can do to put my hand over my heart and somehow telepathically send out my heartfelt emotions. Sometimes I can write out an email and send it. Sometimes I can reach out and offer a hug. Most of the time, there is nothing I can do or say... very little that I can offer or give. So I wait. I wait for opportunities... I wait for... something. I wait for them to reach out in such a way where I can meet them where they're at. In the meantime, I wait and pray... and hope for them from afar. I cannot offer comfort to everybody. Not everyone likes me, my particular brand, style, or method. I've also been brutally rebuffed lately and it has put me in my place and reminded me that I reach out because God wants me to... regardless of whether or not it is received well or at all. Between me and God, I know I did what I needed to do at the moment and that's OK.
Kinda reminds me of what I read today in Ezekiel. It's not really the same, but... the same principle.
3:17-19 "Son of man, I've made you a watchman for the family of Israel. Whenever you hear me say something, warn them for me. If I say to the wicked, 'You are going to die,' and you don't sound the alarm warning them that it's a matter of life or death, they will die and it will be your fault. I'll hold you responsible. But if you warn the wicked and they keep right on sinning anyway, they'll most certainly die for their sin, but you won't die. You'll have saved your life.It's kinda like... all we're called to do is tell. Whether or not other people receive it, is not really our responsibility. But if we know and we do not tell, then it's on us. This relates to sharing the gospel, most definitely... but it also relates to obedience. Knowing what you need to do and not doing it... that's on us.
20-21 "And if the righteous turn back from living righteously and take up with evil when I step in and put them in a hard place, they'll die. If you haven't warned them, they'll die because of their sins, and none of the right things they've done will count for anything—and I'll hold you responsible. But if you warn these righteous people not to sin and they listen to you, they'll live because they took the warning—and again, you'll have saved your life."
Seize the day then. Life is too short not to tell someone what they need to know... whether it be a warning... whether it be that you love them... do tell.
Anyway... going back to hope... I think I used to wish that I knew what was going to happen in my life. If only I knew what I was supposed to major in... if only I knew who I was supposed to marry... if only I knew what career path to take... life would be so much easier, wouldn't it? Would it be easier because we knew that we weren't taking the wrong path? Or would it be easier knowing what direction to take? I think I wanted to know more because I was afraid of failing more than anything else. I wanted to take the path that would guarantee success... to avoid the humiliation of failure... maybe to avoid wasting time and money... maybe to have some form of achievement or accomplishment... to look good in front of everyone else. Yeah. I think that's pretty much how I lived for most of my life. Fearing failure and wanting to be looked up to and respected.
I think... maybe what life has taught me lately... or maybe it was the work of God through suffering... was that I don't need to know what's going to happen, only to know that where I am right now, what I'm doing right now... is all part of God's plan. There are so many things that I can't change, and also so many things that I can. The things I can't change... those are things that are not up to me to change so there's no point in getting upset about it. I accept the fact that Anderson is no longer here. I was shuffling through some papers today and I found his death certificate. Funny thing. It looks almost exactly like our marriage certificate... but the words are just different. His immediate cause of death was a malignant brain tumor (3 years from onset to death). Other contributing factors... leptomeningeal tumor spread (3 months from onset to death), and brainstem invasion by tumor (3 weeks from onset to death) with obstructive hydrocephalus as the significant condition contributing to death. Staring at it... I think... I was feeling that... internal conflict... the clinical fascination from who I am as a nurse... and then also... the silent wailing from the fact that the love of my life... the end of his life... all the meaning... all the love... everything that was HIM... was quantified on a piece of paper in 4 little lines... filled out in probably 5 minutes by Dr. Azeem. Just some paperwork to finish at the end of someone else's workday. I wonder if his heart moved a little when he wrote those words. I wonder if my face flashed before his eyes... the tears he saw me spill... the life he knew that would be changed forever because Anderson Chen ceased to live as a result of obstructive hydrocephalus, despite all his efforts to keep him alive. Or was it just... paperwork?
A friend recommended the show BostonMed to me the other day. I felt like vegging out a bit and so I watched an episode. It was about how one man's failed heart transplant resulted in another man's face transplant. I felt for the wife of the man whose heart transplant failed. Her husband died from a massive cerebral hemorrhage. The hope that she must have had... in getting the news that her husband was going to get a heart transplant were so quickly and abruptly shattered when her husband never woke up from his surgery. To go from one day feeling that your life was going to start all over again and then a day later to be the complete opposite... to be widowed... it was... heartbreaking. I'm sure they put him on life support as they waited to harvest organs. I remember looking at Anderson... his body was technically alive... I could still touch him... he was still warm... but I knew he wasn't there. He wasn't my husband anymore. I think the nurse asked me if I'd be willing to give his eyeballs for organ donation. I said sure. They ended up not being able to because he'd been on the vent too long. In BostonMed, the transplant people asked the wife if she'd be willing to offer up her husband's face to someone who needed one. I can't imagine making that kind of decision right after losing the love of her life... the father of her children. Eyeballs vs. face. No comparison. Even in watching the surgeons... the doctors... the residents... the nurses... I know that many of them were happy for the man receiving the face, but the vast majority of them were more interested in the fact that they got to see the first face transplant in the history of New England than the fact that this man's life had just ended right as he was on the brink of receiving everything he'd hoped and dreamed about for years and years and years.
At the end, the widow said that she was glad to know that something good came of this... that her husband's death meant so much hope and a new life for the man who got the face transplant. She said that it took the edge off a little bit. I really don't know how she got in front of a camera and was able to say those things. She must be a very strong woman or a master of disguises... because the devastation she must have been undergoing in the midst of all of that... is truly incapacitating. I know. I felt it. I still feel it sometimes. But everyone is different. Not everyone grieves the same way I do. Not everyone would be as utterly destroyed as I was. And definitely not everyone would have come back from all of that to be who I am today.
Sometimes, I don't even recognize myself anymore. I feel like I look different, I dress different, life is SO different... my google calendar is filled with very different things... but most of all, my heart is so different now. I don't know if you know but I know. I know how I used to be. I know how I used to feel. I know how I used to think about people and... there was very little love there. I NEVER told anyone I loved them. I said it quickly to my family members... it was more obligatory than anything. I remember friends saying it to me and I really... could not say it back. The words would literally NOT come out of my mouth. The only person with whom I actually said and meant the words, "I love you" was to Anderson. Now... it's very strangely a very normal part of my vocabulary. I really don't say it if I don't mean it. And the fact that I say it so often means that I have a lot of love for so many people and I really want to let them know it. I know where that love comes from. It's not from any source on this earth. It is proof to me that nothing is impossible for God. People don't change. They really don't. Actions might change, but the heart... hearts have been the same since the beginning of time. Changes... come from God. The fact that hearts can change gives me hope that I am never stuck, that life can always be better, more abundant, more full, more colorful, more beautiful... irregardless of the circumstances I find myself in. Isn't having the abundant life... finding beauty, joy, peace, love... even right smack in the middle of the most horrible things the world can throw at you... isn't that infinitely more valuable than only ever getting what you want? You THINK you'll be happy when you get these things... but... that means your happiness is dependent on things. You should want to be happy... self-sustaining... independently happy because that is just the way you are. You can be happy when things are going well, happy when things aren't. Nothing can take it away from you. It is yours.
Anyway... life is too short to worry about the things you can't change and life is too short NOT to start changing the things you can. Just go for it. What do you have to lose anyway?
I... think I have more thoughts but they've kind of run out for now.
Lamentations 3
22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
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