I'm so thankful. I'm glad to be home. I'm glad that I got the chance to go to the east coast and see friends. I'm just so very... thankful and happy. :)
I spent the past week in Boston/New York. I even got a bonus day in New York. I'm glad I got my bonus day. I'm also glad that I was more tired on bonus day so I could spend more time thinking and being quiet... and also contemplating patience. I had nothing planned, nothing really to do on my bonus day... no one to see or meet up with... it was mostly just me. And Joyce too.
This trip was the first time I was in NYC without a constant companion. I was definitely with people and I met up with people constantly but I had no one to follow, no one to guide me at all times, no cell service in the subway... and I got lost quite a lot... and went the wrong way on the subway... kind of a lot too. I felt... alone and on my own. It was my responsibility to get myself where I needed to be with no one to rely on but myself and google maps. But it was a good thing. I think... given how many times I've been to New York, it's pretty much time that I figure things out for myself... and given the amount of time that's gone by since Anderson's passing... it's also pretty much time for me to brave the world on my own. Or at least try to.
I spent a lot of time waiting for the subway trains. As I was waiting today... I thought about how waiting for the subway is a little bit like... life. I like the subway. It's fun. It's also kind of dirty and a little bit nasty at times but... generally... I like it. It's also quite a challenge for me.
I like standing on the platform... and hearing the sound of the train coming. I close my eyes and wait for that first gust of wind that hits me in the face as the train speeds by. It's refreshing. Sometimes it's stinky, but I kind of like it. I close my eyes to enjoy the moment... and I also close my eyes to keep things from flying into my eyes and causing irritation. As the train's arriving, I open my eyes and search for which train it is. Then I need to make a decision... whether or not to get on. Choices. Decisions.
For some people... who go the route often... or who live there... the decision is second nature and it's easy. For me... it's hard. I'd much rather follow someone who knows where they're going. I wonder if I'm naturally a follower and not a leader... I just... haven't really trusted many people to lead me because the majority of them have disappointed me. People will always let you down. It is definitely more worthwhile (and logical) to put my trust in Someone who will never let me down rather than in people who always do. Nowadays... I have a lot more peace, joy and confidence in following the God who has proven Himself faithful and true... who will never lead me astray... never guide me in the wrong direction... who I have confidence that what He does is not out of selfishness or self-serving motivations... but that it's all done out of love... with my best interest at heart. It's a good system for me. I like it. But even though He's chosen me and He will never leave me... I still need to choose Him on a minute by minute basis sometimes. To be aware of my choices and decisions.. to be intentional and not live an autopilot life of ambivalence, apathy, or general unawareness... this is the better way to live, I think.
Some choices are easier than others. Sometimes it's easier because I've been there before and have taken that route... experience, I guess. Other times, what makes a choice easier is when I come prepared, having studied the map and directions so I know what's coming... I know which direction to go... and sometimes the internet will tell me exactly what time the train is supposed to come so I'm even more prepared and confident that this particular train is the right one to take. Reminding myself frequently and checking the map all the time... are ways to give me more confidence in my decision-making... although studying the map and knowing the directions and preparing my route... doesn't actually take me to my destination. It's definitely a part of it... but I still have to choose a train and take it in real life.
Standing on the platform with my eyes closed... I can hear a train coming... much like most of us can use our senses to know when a decision is coming up. I feel like sometimes... that refreshing gust of wind is almost like the first time God speaks to me. Usually that gust of wind... so refreshing... blows me away... and it also lets me know that a decision is coming. When it first hits me, that's when it hits me with the greatest force... and then it dies down. It's always strongest the first time. The longer I wait on it, the less impact the wind has on me... the less it gets my attention... the more I can just let it pass me by. If I never opened my eyes, I could just let the train pass on by. When I do open my eyes... I see the train, I see the doors open and the opportunities present itself. If I'm prepared... I can walk through with confidence and just take the train. If I'm prepared but I don't trust myself or I'm afraid of making a mistake... I can just stand on the platform and miss an opportunity.
I've gone the wrong way many times on this trip... and also many times on the journey that is my life. All the wrong way does... is cost me a little bit of time and sometimes a little bit of money... but generally... the time is what is most costly. But you know what? Sometimes that time... the decision to get off the wrong train and go the right way... the time on the train making up for how far I've gone in the wrong direction... it's usually worth it. It's also an opportunity in and of itself. It's an opportunity for me to sit and learn... to pay attention to the stops and the warning signs that I'm going the wrong way so that maybe next time I won't make the same mistakes again. Also, it might be more opportunities to meet people... to think... to ponder... to listen to a song... but mostly to pay attention. And I also have confidence that now I'm going the right way cuz I've double checked... maybe triple checked... maybe I've parked myself right in front of the map so I can stare at it just to make sure.
For some ppl, the delays might be upsetting. They might complain the whole way, but there really isn't much to complain about. Making the wrong choices and reaping the consequences of it... well... they go hand in hand. Been reading through the minor prophets lately and yes, God promised destruction and desolation... but why? because it was the consequence of Israel's disobedience... and failing to heed the frequent signs and warnings... and the road maps posted everywhere along the way. Sometimes it's not punishment or bad luck... sometimes it's a consequence.
And then again... sometimes... things are way out of my control. If the train doesn't come, I'm delayed and it had nothing to do with my choices. If air force one has landed at JFK and grounded all flights... that's also out of my control. If the plane's lavatories aren't functioning and it needs maintenance... that's a delay that was also out of my control. If a thunderstorm rolls in and pretty much shuts down the airport... well... there's nothing I could do about that either. All I could do is make the most of the situation... do my part... and wait. I stayed an extra night in New York because of all those things that were out of my control. I spent hours (I think 5 total) on the plane with the other passengers. I had to rebook my flight on my own... no one was going to do that for me. I had to call in to work and tell them I couldn't make it to work the next day because the next available flight I was able to take wouldn't get me home in time. After I did all those things... all I could do was to enjoy the wait.
I don't know why I still have so many of these thoughts and also why God has given me the ability, the boldness, the internet... to share these thoughts with you. I met a guy on the plane who said I had the personality to teach (as a professor). I don't really know what that means or what kind of personality it takes to teach. I never really thought I'd have the patience to teach... but maybe I've grown some this past year. Is this teaching? Is this more like sharing? I feel a little like Amos when he said... he's just a herdsman and a grower of sycamore figs. But the Lord took me from following the flock and the Lord said to me, "go prophesy to My people Israel". OK, I'm not exactly a herdswoman... but somehow I do feel as if I've been plucked out of following the flock and God has given me little messages for other people. Maybe. Or maybe they're more for myself, primarily, and you all get to benefit from them too.
Reading my own blog entries and my emails from the past few years... has been a great encouragement to me. Also... I don't think that anyone can speak to me the way God can... so reading about my thoughts after a particularly strong "gust of wind"... speaks directly to ME, my personality, my tendencies.. my strengths and weaknesses... so writing down what God has told me is my way of remembering and reminding myself... and also encouraging myself when things don't seem to be going well... or if I'm feeling particularly hopeless... or if I just need to remember the lessons I learned so I can prevent myself from making the same mistakes again.
I feel like this post has been a little on the boring side. I really wanted to encourage those of you who are still reading... to just go all out. Go for it. Seize the day, take the opportunities that come your way... if you feel like studying the directions/map a little more... ok... do it... but at some point... you're just going to have to commit and do it... start going where you need to be going and don't stand paralyzed on the platform. More opportunities will come at a later time, but why wait for the next one when there's an open door in front of you?
And also for those of us still waiting... waiting is definitely a part of life. Enjoy the wait. :) Enjoy the wait with me. I'm enjoying my singleness, although I also yearn to... not be single. I'm enjoying this time I have to visit ppl and travel. Being single is lovely... but it comes with a different kind of struggle than being in a relationship. If this is what I've got to struggle with... I'll just enjoy the pluses and be thankful I'm protected from the minuses for the time being. I'll take whatever as it comes... if it comes.
In the meantime... there are amusing things to smile at. Mmm... smiling at New Yorkers sometimes gets me very odd responses. I did a sort-of social experiment... to smile at people and see their reactions. Some neighborhoods, more people smiled back. Sometimes people don't even look at me. I got the creepiest "how you doin', sweetie" once. Yikes. And there was another guy on the street who almost chased me down (I walk really fast)... and told me that I was beautiful. I don't know what his motivations were or his intentions exactly... well... I guess handing me his phone to put my number in was indication enough... but at least someone said I was beautiful... even if it wasn't exactly sincere. Some of you may remember from earlier posts about how sensitive I am to hearing that word in particular. So it was nice to be surprised and reminded... even on the street... from an unlikely source at an unlikely place. A little encouragement at a time when I didn't feel particularly beautiful or "wanted". Yeah. That's how I'll choose to remember that moment. And laugh at it too.
OK. Tired. Looking fwd to sleeping in my bed for the first time in 8 days. Sorry if nothing makes sense. I feel like I've been awake for a very, very long time.
<3,
Tiff
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