breakeven

I was listening to the radio a while ago and this song came on... and for some reason this line stuck with me.

...when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even.

the song continues... what am I supposed to do when the best parts of me were always you.  What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK.  I'm falling to pieces. 

I dare say that the vast majority of us have suffered through heartbreak... and in particular... this kind of heartbreak. If you have never suffered through a breakup (or more specifically... being dumped) or have never liked someone who didn't like you back... if all of this is foreign to you and you have no idea what I'm talking about... please hope that you'll never understand this. Consider yourself extremely blessed. 

Heartbreak... may always be uneven.  I think there's probably always one person who's more ok than the other.  Always one person who feels more left behind.  Always one person who moves on first.  And sometimes... the other person doesn't even know the other one's hurting.  Or maybe since we feel our own pain more acutely... we always feel like we're the one that's suffering the most.  If when a heart breaks, it don't break even... we always feel like we, ourselves, are left with absolutely nothing... and the other person has walked away with everything.  And without our heart... that's been ripped out of our chests... our whole lives fall to pieces. 

Sometimes, I feel like I've been dumped on my whole life.  Dumped on or left behind.  Dumped by boyfriend #1.  Dumped by boyfriend #2.  And left behind by husband.  How much more heartbreak can one woman take?  Every time my heart broke I didn't think I'd ever get it back again.  I never thought I'd feel whole again... I never thought I would feel anything more than shattered, used up, and worthless. Especially after losing the love of my life. I gave him my everything.  My heart, my body, my mind... when you marry, you become one.  One flesh.  One mind.  One heart.  All the best parts of me were because of him and without him... how could I ever be anything again?

I remember feeling this way.  I also remember waking up one day and realizing that... I was loved.  Loved with a perfect love.  I was loved and chosen before I was even born.  And that Someone had been waiting for me to realize it... my whole life.  He had been hinting in small ways for years and years and years and finally when I was ready, He hit me with His love in ways that were of epic proportions.  And then I knew... that the heartbreak was all for a reason... all for a purpose... it was all to point me back to Him.  So that I would finally open my eyes and see that His arms had been extended and He had been waiting for me.  He was waiting for me to realize that I am His and to make Him mine.  It is the greatest love story of my life.  Greater than the Tifferson story.  And the Tifferson story is a pretty decent one, if I say so myself.

I love reading about God's love story.  I love seeing God's heart and reading about the promises He makes to His people. 

^{Ezekiel 11:19} I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. ²⁰ Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God.

They will be My people and I will be their God.  I absolutely LOVE reading that line.  It's the line that tells me that God wishes for, longs for, and makes promises for His people.  This is a God that loves His people.   And because I am His... I also read it to say... that Tiff will be Mine, and I will be hers.  I love being loved! 

I used to love it when Anderson would hug me tight and say "you're MINE".  There is no greater feeling in the world than the feeling of being loved.  It makes your heart want to sing.  It's what oh so many songs and poems have been written about since the beginning of time. 

And for a woman to be loved by a man... it is indescribable.  It is the closest thing on earth that God gives us to heaven, I think.  And it is also the relationship in which we can experience passionate love.  Did you blush?  All-consuming passion... like a burning fire... a love that awakens your heart and soul.  A love that makes you a better person.  A love in which you would be willing to sacrifice everything for... throw caution to the wind and run relentlessly towards. 

I've experienced this heaven on earth.  In my marriage.  And now in the absence of my marriage... God has blessed me to experience this heaven on earth with Him.  And yet... there is still a part of me that wants to love a man again.  And this is my struggle.  To have tasted a beautiful marriage... to know it, experience it... and also now to struggle again with singleness and that yearning to be held again... to be called "mine" by another man.  Actually, if I could have it my way, I would want to be Anderson's again.  I would want his arms forever around me claiming me as his.  To see him again, I will just have to wait until we meet in the clouds.  Here on earth, that yearning is very much a reality as much as I wish it weren't. 

I could probably write a whole other super long blog about yearning and singleness and how I deal with it... but since I started this blog on the topic of heartbreak... I'll finish it on heartbreak.

Would it be wrong to say that the strength of your love is in direct proportion to the devastation of your heartbreak?  That being said... to a God who loves with an everlasting love... an undying love... a self-sacrificing, unconditional love... the strength of His heartbreak far outmatches any heartbreak we can ever experience with the feeble love that we are able to give.  The heartbreak we experience here on earth... is but a tiny drop of the heartbreak that God experiences when we leave Him, when we are unfaithful to Him... when we slap Him in the face by saying He is not good enough, has not provided enough, is not ENOUGH. 

I don't know when adultery or infidelity or unfaithfulness is ever a good thing.  Maybe to a philanderer... but always sucks to be the woman that's left behind or cheated on.  Generally, most people would consider cheating on someone to be a grave offense.  And yet... we look on it so lightly when we cheat on God.  We are the ones that are cold and heartless.  The ones who have taken the marriage vows, lived in His home, slept in His bed, eaten the food He's provided... and then turn around and say that we want more or turn around and say that what He's lavished on us is not good enough.  To Him who knows all and sees all and therefore knows what is the best for us... to complain about it... is to not trust, not have faith.  It is so hurtful. 

God has shown us time and time again in scripture... in the story of believers all across countries, across time, across age... that He is good.  He is faithful.  He has and will take care of all our needs.  He promises us the abundant life and what He promises, He delivers.  He even risked it all to show us His love before we even knew to love Him back.  How dare I NOT trust Him.  How dare I NOT be faithful to Him.  How dare I think that I know what's better for me than He does. 

He has promised me.  He loves me.  He will always take care of me.  And if I am widowed and single right now... I know that it is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.  There is something for me to learn, someone for me to minister to... somewhere, some situation, something that necessitates that I be exactly where I am at this very moment.  And I trust in that.  I have hope in that.  I do my best on a day to day basis to do what I know I need to do and trust that God'll take it the rest of the way.  And through it... I hope that I would be found faithful. 

To be continued, I guess.  I need to sleep. 

Oh and just as an aside... I probably have NOT been dumped on my whole life.  I'm pretty sure I've done my fair share of heartbreaking and I'm SORRY.  If I could do it all over again, I would and I would try my best to not break someone else to pieces.  Being gracious is probably a whole other blog entry too.  For another time then.

<3,
Tiff