beautiful randomness

I've been having odd moments here and there lately... where in the midst of doing "normal", random things... I take a moment to stop and... I don't know how to describe it... have... maybe a "thankful moment". 

The other day, I was driving somewhere and I thought to myself how easily and quickly I can get around... and I was extremely thankful for the blessing of having a car and being able to drive. 

Today, I was cleaning my toilet and I was pondering how nice it is to have a very dependable, porcelain receptacle that gets rid of the crap I deposit in it on a daily basis. 

Maybe it's leftover from the blog post I never wrote on Thanksgiving... or the fact that December and the rest of 2011 has just flown by but I wanted to just take some time to ponder the year.  I can't deny that this year has been an amazing one for me.  Extraordinarily amazing.  If this year were the last year of my life, I think I would feel pretty darn satisfied... and leave with little to no regrets.  OK.  I shall... tabulate.  I started out counting numerically... and then found that reviewing my pictures was more fun.  I'm glad I have documented a lot with my camera.  Although I can churn out monster emails in very little time... I do very much enjoy my pictures and doing a visual overview of the year. It's too much work to put it all into the post... you can just look through my 2011 adventure albums on fb. 

2011... an overview... some pretty cool stuff

• Publications: 1
• Finished 1/3 of my doctoral degree
• Wrote a letter to a congressman 
• Oriented a new grad nurse, I'm glad I got a chance to do this because I might not get to if I start to work as a NP
• Presented twice during manager's/director's meetings at work
• Transferred units... twice
• Found out I can survive on day shift as well as night shift
• am halfway done training to become an ICU nurse... which is something I've wanted to do since Houston

• Met a "Superhero"
• Went on a talk show
• Went to grief group
• Dressed up for Halloween... as a Star Trek cadet... or my own version of it...
• Wore rain boots in the rain for the first time ever

• Weddings: 6
• Trips to the Huntington Library: 6  
• Trips to Disneyland: 4 
• Trips to SF: 4
• Trips to NY: 1
• Trips to Vegas: 1 

• 'Lette: can't even count.  I had my first 'Lette macaron in Jan 2011. 
• Bruxie: can't count that either... but probably like... 10+ which is pretty amazing considering I had my first Bruxie in NOVEMBER

• Albums which include eating with various friends: 90+ 

I don't even think I'm counting everything but yeah.  Scrolling through my albums... I'm amazed at the people I've met, met up with, or hung out with this year alone.  It's been quite a full year.  Also... I'm surprised I'm only 5 pounds heavier this year considering all the food I've pictured/eaten.  It's OK.  I'll work on it.  I was doing really well until I went to day shift.  It's really surprising the amount of stuff that people bring nurses during the day which never makes it to night shift.  Right now, I weigh just about what I weighed in high school.  Not too shabby considering I'm about to turn 30.  Aye.  2012 goal... get back to 16-year old driver's license weight...or do not exceed current driver's license weight.  I give myself lots of leeway. 

I think I've learned a lot about myself this year.  I don't think this has been my most contemplative year.  I haven't seriously journaled in a while... and I do recall some pretty rough times emotionally this past year... which God was gracious to provide lots of friends to get me through.  I wonder if it's nearing the end of my blogging days.  I dunno.  Anyway... life has been... amazing. 

Since I've started in the ICU... I think it's made me think about a lot of things.  Since I'm meeting so many new people and have been pushed to think, to speak, to grow in ways I haven't yet experienced... I have been so incredibly humbled as well as challenged to identify my weaknesses and work on becoming better... knowing more... pondering how things fit together... anticipating needs...  I'm still not ready to be on my own yet but I've been learning so much.  And I see how all my life's experiences and even my nursing experience up until this point has brought me to this place, right here and now.  And it's been a very gentle learning experience.

Well.  It's been gentle but also... a little bit "rough".  In the ICU, I've confronted more emergent situations... more codes... and more death than I've had in my entire life.  ICU nursing is just a little bit stressful, I think... but I don't really feel the stress of it.  I wondered if I was just growing apathetic and complacent but... I don't think so... because... I still cry (sometimes just internally) for family members... my heart is still moved for them... it just doesn't incapacitate me.  Maybe I'm ready for this chapter of my life.  Maybe I have been prepared and I'm ready to take this next step.  Who knows.  All I know is that I'm here, right now... I enjoy work... I enjoy life... I enjoy (aspects of) school... and I really enjoy sharing it all with friends. 

I don't even have words to describe how thankful I am for all the things that have happened... for all the gifts I've received from people... for all the ways in which my life has intersected with such beautiful randomness. 

I'm tired already.  My brain feels swollen.  I've fallen asleep a lot out of pure exhaustion in the past month. Anyway... I'm thankful for the day of rest and the time I have to just exist... to be quiet... to think simply... and ponder the delightfulness of 2011. 

Joy, unspeakable joy
An overflowing well
No tongue can tell
Joy, unspeakable joy
Rises in my soul
Never lets me go

Joy to the World. 

Welcome, 2012!

challenge

Wow.  How did almost three weeks pass by in the twinkling of an eye?  Thanks for reminding me to blog, Randy.  I didn't even know you knew of the existence of this blog... but JUST IN CASE you're reading... I'm mentioning you... as requested. 

K.  If I think back on what's been going on with me in the past 3 weeks... a lot has happened.  Went to San Jose/SF, started orientation on ICU, had finals to finish...work work work in between.  Today is my first day "off" after finishing finals on Friday, while working the past 4 out of 5 days... and tomorrow I'm back for another two shifts so today really is a very special day of rest for me.  I was lying in bed this morning... just pondering my life... a few things came to mind.  A few lines... a few thoughts... a few words maybe.

Never a dull moment. 
Flux. 
Running.  
Challenge.
Stasis.
Change. 

I am quite amazed at the events of the past few months.  I can barely comprehend all the amazing things that have happened... all the ways that my life has changed. 

Never a dull moment

"Never a dull moment" pretty much describes my life for the past 3 years.  To me... it's pretty exciting.  Sometimes it's really hard and I wonder why sometimes I chose to put myself into situations where I'd be pushed and challenged into making pretty significant life changes... sometimes I wonder why I seem to love to torture myself... but then again... I look at where I am and where I'm going and it all plays a part into getting me where I want to go... although even where I want to go is up to negotiation. 

Flux

A near and dear friend told me that she looked at my life a few months ago and noticed that almost every single area is in a state of flux.  There is instability at every turn... with work, with school, with church, with relationships... the only thing that's been constant has been faith, friends, and family. The foundation of my life has not been shaken even though there are raging winds all around me... and I am so very thankful.  I imagine myself sitting on the Rock of my salvation... sometimes curled up into a little ball... but always still sitting/standing/lying on that rock.  I am not washed away by the storms of life... just beaten here and there... but all in all... this one foundational stabilizer in my life has meant everything to me.  And I am way thankful that I've been placed here and that I have chosen to stay here.  There's a quote that I read in Streams the other day...  I have been pondering faith, belief, and trust and what it means ever since I read it again. 

The word “faith” conveys more an act of the will, while the word “belief ” conveys an act of the mind or intellect, but trust is the language of the heart. The words “faith” and “belief ” refer more to a truth believed or to something expected to happen.

Trust implies more than this, for it sees and feels and it leans on those who have a great, living, and genuine heart of love. Therefore let us “trust also in him” (Ps. 37:5 KJV), through all the delays, in spite of all the difficulties, and in the face of all the rejection we encounter in life. And in spite of our feelings and evidence to the contrary, and even when we cannot understand our way or our situation, may we still “trust also in him; [for] he shall bring it to pass.”The way will open, our situation will be changed, and the end result will be peace. The cloud will finally be lifted, and the light of eternal noonday will shine at last. (December 15)

I don't have much to say about the distinctions this quote made with regards to faith, belief, and trust... but I do very much enjoy learning more about the languages of the heart and about love.  Can love exist without trust?  If the greatest act of love is to give up your life for another... in what am I trusting?  I don't know.  I guess that's why I've been pondering it for so many days.  The only thing I can conclude is that... I cannot say that I love God if I don't trust Him with all areas of my life.  He is willing and He is capable... It is up to me.  Reminded me also of this thing I read on another dear friend's fb...

I am not brave, I'll never be.
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy.
I'm just a girl, nothing more.
I am willing. I am Yours.

Running

I guess I've been meeting a lot of new people lately.  What with grief group, with changing units twice in the past 4 months... and just random people I meet along the road of life... one person asked me if I was running away from my grief.  I guess she meant to ask me if I was running instead of coping... running instead of mourning... or just running for the sake of not having to deal with the realities of life.  I think the only thing that was not in question was the fact that I am running... not so much literally although I have tried it lately.  It's not too bad.  Anyway....running... this is the pace of my life.  Things change so quickly, so frequently... my classes are only 8 weeks long... I work full time... I need to make the most out of my free time... there really isn't much time to "crawl" through life.  This is not to say that I don't stop to observe the scenery or fail to smell the flowers.  I am pretty darn emotional and so much happens on a daily basis that... I just have to take things one day at a time.  I recognize when I need to stop and sleep... lol... makes me think of Forrest Gump...

Forrest Gump: When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go, you know, I went.
Elderly Southern Woman on Park Bench : And so, you just ran?
Forrest Gump : Yeah. 

Yeah.  That pretty much describes what I do.  I'm tired.  I sleep.  I'm hungry.  I eat.  But still running.  I tend to think of myself... as running towards something and less that I'm running away from things.  What am I running towards?  I'm not quite sure... the future?  I do want to go on international medical missions trips... and part of why I wanted to be a nurse and also to be a NP was so that I would have some tools (other than a willing heart) to take with me... even though I know that God doesn't need me to have these skills in order to use me.  That's one thing I guess I'm running towards.  Another thing I think I'm running towards is... growth.  Which I guess leads me to my next point...

Challenge

So... our hospital still has a physical chart even though we have an electronic medical record.  One of the things I kind of dislike about the paper chart... is having to decode a doctor's orders.  It is not unusual for maybe 3, 4, 5 of us registered nurses to stand around a chart trying to figure out what an order means or what it's actually saying.  The secretaries are usually pretty good about it... but... it's part of our teamwork, I guess.  To stand around and figure it out.  LOL.  Scary, isn't it?  Patient safety, my friends... I wish that more of the docs used the electronic order system that we have... but I was watching a doc enter a medication and it took him SO long just to figure it out that I can understand why paper is just so much faster.  We have a doc who carries around his iPad all day long... he puts in his orders through it.  I'm not sure if he just uses Safari or if there's an app for that... but it's kinda nice.  He also has gotten more people to use it.  A lot of the docs have it but don't always use it.  Anyway.  Back to the point...

So I was helping a secretary decipher an order... and for some reason... I was able to read this one very easily.  I guess she'd never taken a "fluid challenge" order... and honestly, I had never done it either (with that terminology) but it makes a lot of sense to me.  We had a patient admitted for sepsis... transferred to the ICU because her blood pressure was low.  Septic patients... well I guess to keep them from going into septic shock... you need to "fill the tank" with fluids cuz they really need it... and then sometimes you have to give them pressors to bring up their blood pressure if they don't respond to the fluids.  But first... you give them the fluids and then see what happens.

So this order was to fluid challenge the patient... to bolus the patient with like half a liter or a liter of normal saline to see if her BP would go above 90... if it didn't, then repeat the challenge again... twice... and if that didn't work, then start levophed to bring the BP up with drugs.  There were parameters and things... I kinda forgot the details but I thought it would be fun.  What a cool thing to do... a fluid challenge.  LOL.  It's pretty standard. Nothing crazy exciting to a normal nurse... but I'm new to the ICU... and I'm pretty much a nurse geek.  If I see redness... I push on it to see if it's blanchable.  That's just what I do... even if the redness is on your cheeks.  (It's how we test for pressure ulcers...just fyi... )

Anyway... so... I think sometimes that challenges come... in order to see how I'll respond.  If I respond and do well to a minimal challenge... then I don't need to proceed further.  I'm good.  But if I don't respond, then you have to repeat the challenge again and again and then maybe even resort to more drastic measures to get me to respond.  And when it comes to responding to the confrontation of sin in my life... it would be much better to respond quickly to the least "invasive" intervention possible.  Cuz just like with the fluid challenge... the reason why the patient needed to be challenged was because their blood pressure was dangerously low.  The state of things... was... not good.  Sorry.  That wasn't eloquent at all.  Sometimes you need the challenge in order to get better... or to a better state.  So why not be challenged? 

Stasis

Sometimes the challenges come... and they show us what we're made of.  Stasis... is stablility... but by definition... nothing changes... so... things could stagnate.  I think I read somewhere... probably in Streams too... about the definition of peace... is not being able to lay on a sunny beach with an umbrella covering you... while holding a drink with a little paper umbrella in it... and staring out into miles of blue ocean.  Peace is... building your nest, perched precariously on a thin, wobbly branch... extending out of a thundering water fall.  Peace is also... staring at a rapidly turning wheel... while the spokes may be blurred from the rapid rate of revolution... at the axis of the wheel... remains centered, grounded... and the same.  I also had another conversation with someone... where someone was describing his mother as an evergreen... never wilting or fading with age... and I thought that was really sweet... but I thought about it and I didn't really want to be an evergreen.  I want to grow and change... I want my leaves to fall off and new ones to grow in their place... and I don't think evergreens have flowers... and if you know me... I definitely want to have flowers... and also maybe to produce fruit.  All of that requires... change.  LOL.  OK... and it also kinda reminded me... of Twilight... yes I know... ARGH... but... part of why vampires can't have babies is because their bodies are "frozen" so to speak... they don't have beating hearts... they don't age... they're like "rocks" according to the series... so they can't undergo the changes necessary to gestate a baby... so they can't reproduce like humans do.  I guess that's the price you pay for immortality...as a blood-sucking vampire.  

Change

I think a lot of people don't really like change.  Would things be more comfortable if things changed less?  I don't know.  Why are people so afraid of change?  Is it... the instability?  Is it... not knowing what's going to happen next?  Is it...fear that things could get worse and not better?  Is it... fear of being uncomfortable?  Avoiding the unpleasant?  Is it really "changes" that people don't like or is it that people don't like changes for the worse?  Is it the risk?  I don't know either.  But without change... there is no growth, right?  I know all my sections are split... but they're all kind of related.  Changes and growth.  

Being placed into so many different units at work lately... has really shaken me up and humbled me.  I've had to constantly reassess who I am as a person and who I am as a nurse.  It's been a challenge which has shown me what I'm made of... and whether I will sink or swim.  And even if I sink... I know that I was OK on tele so I could always go back there... but I think... that I'm swimming.  It's been pretty amazing that I've been able to gather up everything I've got and make it through my presentations in front of the hospital execs and managers... my classes... and I'm pretty sure I'm, at the very least, scraping by in the ICU. 

Being in the ICU... I'm not sure if it's just because it's new... or because I've always thought I wanted to be an ICU nurse and now I'm doing it... or if it's because I have an awesome preceptor... or because it's day shift and I get a chance to meet so many new people and doctors and it's fun and exciting... but I've felt really really happy being here... the past 7 shifts.  It's been 2 weeks.  It's almost like... I thought I was happy at work... and I was... but being in the ICU has like unleashed a glass ceiling and I've reached a new level of happiness and fulfillment at work.  I don't think I would have been able to be where I'm at now if I didn't first start off on my original floor.  I think the way God grows me... is he grows me incrementally... in small steps.  I see how God uses all these little steps to prepare me for the next bigger, higher step.  There are definitely growing pains and burning thighs that come alongside climbing these steps but... it is SO worth it.  If I keep my eyes lifted... on the destination that lies somewhere in that shining brightness that's so glorious it's blinding... then I don't focus so much on the burning thighs.  And I think that's kind of the way I feel... in many areas of my life.

I still walk around with a little bit of sorrow and emptiness deep within the center of my being.  Sometimes the sadness hits me... while I'm driving... while I'm walking... while I'm sitting or eating... usually when I'm alone or in bed... and I can feel my face and my countenance reflecting the sorrow that's emerging... but I can let a little bit out and then remind myself of all the wonder and greatness of the other areas of my life... and a smile returns which overshadows the dark sorrow... the happiness... the joy... the peace... which eclipses my sadness with the glory of the Giver who gifted it to me. 

That sorrow deep inside... I think... it will always be there.  It's from the loss.  The emptiness of being left and abandoned by a loved one... I don't think it will ever completely go away... and I don't think I will ever cease to "feel" it to a certain extent... but with that sorrow that I carry with me... comes... the ability to find common ground with a lot of people who are also suffering.  I find that I can draw from those reserves and "feel" for people... even though I might not be going through their exact situation or circumstances... but... I can still feel compassion and empathy for their hurt and I remember a time when the darkness was consuming me.  I would not be able to vaguely understand... had I not first suffered in my own life.  The fruit of this sorrow... can be shared and can nurture others... and sometimes... even if the fruit is not given and eaten outright... sometimes I think the aroma of the fruit can sometimes follow me wherever I go as well... and it influences the things I do and the way I do it sometimes... especially when my patients don't speak English and I cannot communicate words of comfort... I have to try in other ways to show them that I care... and to try to bring them a little comfort in a horribly scary situation.  I'm not perfect and I'm not a paragon of...anything by any means... but I try.  I try to let my heart guide me at work... at school... in life... through life.  The more my heart is like Jesus's... the more I can trust that where it leads me is a good place... and the right direction.  

I know things were pretty theoretical in this post... I just had a lot of random thoughts about the changes I've been going through lately... but good thoughts... good changes... and I'm very excited and happy with all of it and definitely looking fwd to where I'll end up next...  

I guess that's enough of an update as to how I'm doing... generally...

Still processing a lot... pondering the big picture both at work... for my patients... in life... but I'm in a very, very good place.  Very thankful.  Learning a lot.  Excited for what 2012 will bring.  :)  More good things.  

Happy Monday, friends!

<3,

Tiff

heart, head, hands

Wow.  So it's been over a month since I've last updated you all.  Sorry for the delay.  

I've been taking a class which requires me to introspect a LOT and write papers at least weekly... between that, group work, mountains of reading, and keeping up with friends... I haven't had much energy to blog.  I fell asleep while doing situps one time this past month.  I have not developed acute narcolepsy... I think I'm just tired.  

I also don't drink coffee and I've stopped drinking tea.  I've never been a coffee drinker and the tea I've stopped a while ago.  I sleep to stay awake.  If I'm tired... that tells me...to sleep more, not drink more coffee.  Somehow, everything always gets done.  Miraculously more often than not, especially when it comes to my papers.  

So... a few major updates.  

I interviewed for an ICU position on August 1st.  I blogged about it (reference: work stuff, August 22, 2011).  I am FINALLY starting my ICU training next week.  My director wanted me to transfer to COU (the Cardiac Observation Unit) first and then move to the ICU.  COU and ICU are run by the same director.  A lot of the nurses float between the two units often.  I don't know if it'll help that I did it that way, but I've definitely tried to make the most out of my waiting time on COU.  And the acuity of the patients is a little higher.  I've had more codes and/or rapid responses in the 3 months I've been on COU than I had in 1.5 years working on telemetry on Tower 2.  Might have been luck of the draw for my patient assignments though... or maybe it was God training me not to freak out as much when a patient is crashing.  

new bling for a new badge

So I've been in a state of flux since I interviewed for ICU (about 4 months).  Communication had been really bad with regards to letting me know what was going on.  I didn't even hear directly from my director that I even got an ICU position.  My director told my friend who told me.  I didn't know if I was going to start on COU days or nights, I didn't know when I was going to transfer to ICU... I've just been... going with the flow... and just flowing wherever someone tells me.  I think that ordinarily or maybe even in the past, this would have really upset me... but I kinda just take it nowadays as... slightly frustrating, however... it makes me feel a little bit more like the Israelites sojourning all over the place.  Maybe like Abe too.  God called him to move away from his homeland on just a promise... and by faith he left.  My situation is nowhere near as crazy as Abraham's but... it's how it kinda feels sometimes. 

I was told (at the most absolute last minute possible) that my first night on COU would be right in the middle of a 4-shift work week for me.  So I worked 2 nights on Tower 2 and then my 3rd and 4th nights on COU.  When I work like that, I don't do anything in between except sleep.  You know... that is exactly the situation that God arranged for me during my ICU interview too.  I had absolutely no time to prep.  I just had to wing it and attribute my survival to God's grace alone.  So I woke up and got ready for work before that 3rd shift and as I was driving... I realized that...I needed to park in a different place than I've been parking for the past few years...that it was going to get a lot harder to see my co-worker/friends... and that my entire "life" at work would be changing and I wasn't ready yet.  I started to cry in the car.  I thought I could handle it by the time I got to the floor but... no.  I was still crying.  Good thing my friend was there on her first day on COU too.  She held my hand and prayed for me in the hallway.  I found out that they weren't even ready for me to work that night either which made me feel even less wanted at a place I didn't even want to be.  Not to mention that I never got a proper orientation to the floor.  They let me work with another nurse that day but she either didn't know how to handle a crying nurse or she was just horrible at orienting a new person on the floor, but she taught me absolutely nothing about where things were or how things were done.  I just had to figure it out myself.  And I was incredibly frustrated.  My confidence was shaken.  I was acting like a new nurse who didn't know anything, had no common sense, no priority-setting ability or foresight...I was HORRIBLE.  I'm glad I didn't kill anyone that night.  It rocked my world though.  I was so comfortable on Tower 2.  Throwing me into COU with no orientation period... without me being mentally prepared... I felt like all my years of experience had been wiped away and I was starting at square one again.  I wonder if that's what Abe or the Israelites felt whenever they had to pick up and move again.  I had to build my tents all over again... make new friends... learn the ways they do things there... remember new phone numbers, new door codes... not knowing where things are, having to rely on others for every single little thing I need... it's just a little bit stressful.  There were nights where no one talked to me.  I began to miss the sound of my own voice, believe it or not.  It was lonely. 

But I adapted.  I figured it out.  God also found ways to encourage me through the roughness of the transition.  For example, for the two times I actually had to code patients, one of my favorite co-workers was there with me and she helped me SO MUCH while I was running around trying to either get work done, care for my other patients, or scramble to get through.  I also rarely work with her.  I heard that she told someone else, "I don't know how Tiffany comes to work every day with all her unstable, coding patients".  When we were switching mattresses on one of her patients (on another day...not when my patients were coding), the mattress guy asked the two of us if we were new nurses.  She said, "yes" and I said, "define what you mean by 'new'?" and she said, "oh you're not new...you're too good."  I laughed.  But it was encouraging.  At least one person thinks that I'm competent on this floor.  

I was able to go to an awards ceremony for my friend/colleague at our hospital last month.  We started working as RNs at the same time.  I met her in new grad class.  While they were talking about her and as I heard her story, I realized how blessed I am to be working at my hospital.  She's been working on COU for a long time.  She volunteered at the hospital before nursing school, she was a unit secretary, and then a RN.  I was pondering how she was like a flower seed and our unit was like fertile soil.  Lots of things can grow in fertile soil, but she really took to the soil and grew into something magnificent.  And she's not done yet.  She's at the beginning of her career, just like me.  

My hospital isn't the best place to work if you look at it on paper.  There are plenty of other places that pay more, have better benefits, have pension, have better equipment, more compensation and incentives for education and certifications... and maybe I would have taken to that soil just as well... but I'm grateful for the soil I landed on.  I'm grateful for the location and the timing as well.  

I can't really tell if I would have been OK anywhere or if this place in particular has just worked out super well for me... but maybe it's both.  Maybe God knew that this would be the perfect place to plant me... that the combination of nutrients and deficits would be perfect to grow me and also challenge me.  As far as school stuff and work stuff... personal stuff... I see how all of it has intertwined and one thing supports the other, which supports the other... I cannot deny that God, the master planner, has arranged it all to take amazing care of me.  

I was talking with my friend the other day and she was commenting on how well God takes care of me.  I totally agreed.  It seems like... God just... turns the dirt under my feet into gold as I step on it.  Even if it seems like dirt in the beginning... it's all a golden experience... whether to learn by or to grow by or to simply enjoy the beauty of.  Everything just... works out.  Even if it seems problematic... it all somehow works itself out and I never had to worry.

And you know what?  My waiting period on COU... has been good for me... but the timing of my orientation on ICU is also very... timely.  Sorry.  Couldn't think of another word.  So last year I had to work all 3 winter holidays... I've also worked every single mother's day and father's day... I always miss everyone's birthday party... even my own parents' because I've had to work.  So this year... because I'll be orienting through Christmas and New Year's... I WON'T HAVE TO WORK EITHER HOLIDAY.  I did work Thanksgiving and black friday this year but still.  I was bursting-out-of-my-skin excited when they told me that they don't orient over holidays.  It's cuz they pay time and a half for holidays and it would be financially unwise to pay two nurses time and a half to take care of the same amount of patients.  SUPER SWEET.  Merry Christmas to me... and a happy new year too!  I'll actually get a chance to spend time with family on the actual day of the holiday!  

I know this is getting pretty long but there was one more thing I wanted to update about.  I don't know if you remember from this blog post (reference: Purple Flowers, September 16, 2011) where I had the opportunity to present in front of the nursing managers about one of my school assignments?  Well, because of that, I got asked to present again in front of the ancillary managers at my hospital (the non-nursing directors) and it happened... this morning.  It's also pretty "funny" or possibly providential that in the class I'm taking right now, this week's discussion topic was on "how to engage your stakeholders".  Everything I've been reading about for this class has been on leadership, character, systems, motivation, innovation, etc. etc.  It's pretty amazing that I get a chance to put into practice precisely what I'm learning at this very moment.  See how all my "worlds" are colliding and how one helps support the other?  

Everything I write about for school has been about either my nursing experience on the floor or my experience caring for Anderson and being on the "other" side of care at the hospital.  My entire dissertation is based on it.  I get to do my clinical dissertation at the hospital where I work.  I'm attending all these meetings with executives and all that... and I also get to work on the floor so I get to see a little bit of the boardroom and the bedside and the disconnect that goes on between them.  Not to mention that nursing challenges me to grow in my weaknesses... it gives me opportunities to present in front of strangers... to interact with directors, executives... outside my comfort zone... to network... and do all kinds of crazy things that I never would have if I weren't being asked to write about it for assignments for school.  I'm super glad that I don't have to just write about it in theory... I get to think about how it applies to my clinical setting and then I have the opportunity to DO IT.  

I know I've probably posted this before... but it's one of my favorite nursing quotes...

the beauty of nursing is the combination of your heart, your head and your hands and where you separate them, you diminish them - Virginia Henderson

Even in thinking about my degrees... biology, public health... nursing is like the melding of the two.  I get to utilize everything... nothing has been wasted no matter how much time I spent hopping from one degree to another.  

Anyway... so I've been going through a Bible reading plan on wisdom.  It's made me ponder God's wisdom... His leadership... also in light of the world's writing on leadership which I've been reading about for my class.  It's so funny how my professor picked this book for us to read called the "21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader" by Maxwell.  I'm pretty sure he's a Christian author.  All of the indispensable qualities... can be found rooted in the Word of God.  And for all the other readings... about transformational leadership... about Theory U... about how to engage your stakeholders... how to work together... about the "faces" or personalities which make up an innovation team... I totally laugh to myself as I realize that... Christ is the ULTIMATE leader and innovator.  He totally thinks outside the box.  He knew exactly how to engage His audience.  He respected and listened to His team... He even knew how to answer and how to quiet all the opposing arguments that people intentionally threw at Him.  He talked to us about how much the heart matters far more than anything else.  So.  I somehow feel like I have a headstart.  I'm already striving to be more like Christ... and because my foundation is on the Rock... no matter how hard life or school or anything else hits me...I'll be OK. 

Anyway... so back to my original point about the presentation... I thought I would be more nervous.  I was such a wreck before the first presentation... I cried through the entire thing.  I didn't really want to cry through this one.  I also had time to make a PowerPoint presentation.  A lot of my school presentations are done in a style which is quite different than any other style I've ever presented with.  They also have us watch a lot of TED talks.  So we were assigned to read these books by Duarte on effective presentations since our very first semester.  I have a feeling, they can tell who's read them and who hasn't... and also who applies what they've been reading and who hasn't because... it's way obvious in the amount of TEXT people put on their slides... myself included.  I never touched those books.  I did watch one talk about presentations and it pretty much changed the way I thought about presentations... that and a feedback comment by my professor letting me know to move away from the text (which I thought was pretty minimal) and focus more on the content of what I'm trying to say.  I kinda wished that I had read those books earlier.  It was so obvious that I hadn't.  I'm sure our professors chuckle or maybe even get frustrated as they try to get us to present more effectively but we still present the same old boring way.  So... I decided to try it out with this presentation.  It's actually kind of hard to find pictures which visually display the points you're trying to make.  I felt like it took me 10x longer to make this PowerPoint than any other I've made.  It also forced me to practice, practice, practice because I couldn't just read off the slide anymore.  Aye yai yai, this whole thing was stretching me in new ways... but I'm glad I got through it.

Because I actually practiced, I was able to just talk for the majority of my presentation.  Because I was talking to them and LOOKING at my audience... I was able to see them nod... and see them engaged in what I had to say.  I heard people "awww" when I put up our wedding pictures and I actually saw people with tears in their eyes when the showed them the picture of me and Anderson with him intubated in the ICU.  After I was done... I heard someone say, "excellent".  :)  Quite a few people came up to hug me too.  My presentation also spurred someone else to share a quote that touched their heart because she said that my presentation reminded her of it.  Someone else said that it was the best thing they've heard in a long time.  Someone even walked (out of their way) with me as I went to my unit so that he could talk to me and get to know me better.  Someone gave me their card and asked for my slides.  I honestly didn't know if ppl wanted these slides because all they were were pictures... but sure, why not.  Here are a few of my slides:

Purpose: ppl are more than meets the eye. you don't need to know their story to know they have one.

Purpose: Intro Anderson, emotional connection, make a stark contrast between the beginning of our marriage and the end.

Purpose: build emotional connection, build credibility.

Purpose: comparison of our experiences at UCLA and MD Anderson.  I couldn't decide if I should have one side weigh more and have that be better or worse...

Purpose: integrate concepts from different disciplines. Explain things in different ways to help reinforce understanding. Jewish prayers prayed with intentionality and direction of the heart keep the meaning when prayers are repetitive.  Work is repetitive.  How do we keep it fresh; how do we instill meaning into the things we do day in and day out? Intention and direction... towards our patients.

Purpose: the heart makes the difference.  Two ppl can do the exact same things, but one has the right heart and the other doesn't. The one with the right heart does a better job.  There is joy in it.  Remind you of doing things out of love and doing things out of obligation?  Legalism?  LOL.

Anyway... so it went really well.  I think I did an adequate job of engaging my stakeholders this time around and introducing myself... introducing my dissertation topic... building my "street cred" or... my character... or reputation.  There's really no cool way to say that, is there? 

The pharmacy director told me, "we need you on days!".  My CNO said, "we need her everywhere!".  Someone told me they were so sorry for my loss.  I said, "it's ok.  I'm making lemonade".  She said, "you sure are."  

So who knows if I would have had anything to talk about at all if Anderson never happened in my life... if I never started a doctoral program... if I never began work at this hospital in particular.  OK.  I guess it's been a pretty long post.  I guess that's what I get for not updating in over a month. 

Most memorable comment made after the presentation: You've got a lotta heart, baby. 

:D  God... you done good stuff in and through me.  And I'm not done living yet.  If God could take widowdom and brain cancer and turn it into this... I'm sure there's plenty more good stuff to come. 

Until next time...

<3,
Tiff

Plumeria

Warning.  This is not going to be a stellar post.  It's probably going to be long, confusing, and boring.  If you're OK with that... read on, by all means.  

Some days I wake up and try to decide what kind of flower I feel like that day.  Some days I wake up and decide what color I feel like... and then I choose my colored scrubs accordingly.  I was daydreaming a little yesterday... wondering what kind of flower I felt like... and I think I might have felt like a Plumeria.  Mild, but pleasing, tropical fragrance... plain... simple... color a little bit washed out but still there... delicate... and most of all... easily bruised.

I've been a little bit emotional lately.  It's finals week right now for me and I haven't been able to focus on my finals.  Mostly kind of riding the waves day to day.  I'm hoping that by blogging out some thoughts I'll be able to purge and then focus will return. 

I can't remember when it was... but I can recall one time that I felt so irrationally hurt by something that shouldn't have impacted me so much... was the day when I was chit chatting with someone I had just met... and I'm not sure why it was said... but this person said, "oh, you were only married six months? so it's like you weren't married at all!"  I don't think I got angry at the moment.  But I did get angry.  How dare anyone belittle my six months of marriage.  How dare you judge me by the length of time I was married.  I highly doubt this person even remembers my name.  I don't remember their name either but I remember their face.  I'm not angry about it anymore but I do remember what was said and how it made me feel. My heart sinks a little bit when I am reminded of that day. 

So I had a recent bout of perplexing emotions surrounding what should have been a fairly inert recounting of events.  I won't really go into the details but I was taken aback... almost floored even... by the realization that... my widowdom... is not seen by everyone as a good thing... it's actually kind of a negative characteristic usually.   And I'm speaking in the context of my singleness and "viability" on the market, to be crude about it. 

I know it kinda sounds elementary.  And I'm not going to group it with other "red flags" like... hm... drug abuse... a criminal record... a history of gold digging?  Or I was talking to someone else recently who asked me if I considered someone's education or the degrees they've earned as part of their datability or "criteria".  I don't know why I never really thought about it.  Maybe it's time I did. 

The more I think about Anderson, the more I am amazed by him.  This man loved me.  Like seriously loved me.  I really don't think I was that lovable when he met me... like 8 years ago.  I still may not be that lovable but I think I might have mellowed out a bit since then.  I tolerate myself a lot better nowadays.  Dunno about you.  But... I seriously lucked out with Anderson.  OK it wasn't luck.  It was God's sovereignty.  I was his first and last girlfriend.  Everything we did together, every adventure we had... I knew it was special to him because it was the first time he'd ever done any of it.  I was his first everything... and I was the wife he chose to stick with him to the end.  Oh how I wish that he could have been my first everything too.  But sadly... by the time I met him, there had already been a few before.  He never made me feel bad about them, but I know he struggled with it.  He mentioned once or twice about anger and jealousy... but he never took it out on me.  I don't know what he did with it because I was an insanely jealous girlfriend.  He didn't have any exes but I somehow invented people to be jealous of because I was that crazy.  It took us years before we got past my jealousy.  And he was patient with me.  So very patient.  And I'm not exaggerating or idolizing him.  If you knew him at all, you'd know that he was remarkably patient, level-headed, and usually very calm.  I was always the crazy one. 

Did I tell you guys that I started going to grief group?  About a month ago, I started going.  It's been nice.  Cathartic.  A lovely time.  It's a beautiful ministry.  And I think this Tuesday night will be the last one I'll be able to attend for a while.  Because it will be my last one, I asked if it would be OK if I brought some pictures to show them.  I thought about what I would say.  I haven't come up with the specifics but the gist of it is... that Anderson Chen, his life intersecting with mine... and also his death... is overall, the best thing that ever happened to me. 

His impact on my life has been profound.  There is very little of me that has been left untouched by him.  My life now has been deeply impacted by him... my nursing, my schooling... even my dissertation topic.  There is a nursing theory called, "the nurse as the wounded healer".  There are many stages described by this theory, but the highest level you can reach... is transcendence.  After having confronted your loss... to be able to transcend it and use it to help others... that's what a wounded healer should aim to do/be.  I can't get through one single class in my doctoral program without somehow integrating those experiences I've had with Anderson while we were in Houston... living in hospitals... battling cancer together.  And I don't know if my classmates are sick of hearing it by now... but I wouldn't be surprised if they referred to me as Tiff, the widow nurse.  You know... I wonder... if all of this has been my training... if Anderson was God's most powerful training instrument.  It's prepared me for school... it's helped me at work... it's given me a lot of life experience and stories to tell... and not even the best part... I have now experienced God in ways I have never experienced before.  I understand more than I ever have.  I have experienced passion and love and joy that I can't say I have experienced before all of this happened.  Being chosen by God to be His daughter is definitely the best thing that's ever happened to me... and Him using Anderson to help me see Him... definitely the best thing ever.  I would go through it all again if it meant that I would gain a deeper understanding of God, His love, His grace... if being widowed once has colored my world so vibrant... I think I would be OK with doing it all over again if that's what it takes for me to gain a better understanding of God. 

I did tell someone recently that... sometimes people tend to spiral into their own thoughts and if they don't stay grounded in the Word or through other people... they kind of tend to lose their grip on reality... and then their own thoughts, no matter how ridiculous... become reality to them.  So maybe this is what happened to me.  I'm not saying that widowdom is all fun and games.  It is the most intense suffering I've experienced in my life.  Having my heart joined in unity with the love of my life and then to have it ripped out of my body, torn in half, and left for dead... that was not altogether the happiest moment of my life either.  But what came afterwards... as a result of God's love for me... picking me up, cradling me in His hands... and putting me back together again... was the most miraculous act of love and healing that I have ever experienced... and all of that is precious and valuable... to me.  Maybe not to anyone else.

I don't know if you remember that blog post... from August... when I was driving around crying and being tormented by the question, "who would want you?"... I feel like this past weekend was a follow-up to that encounter.  Not only did Jesus tell me that HE wants me... but He also very gently reminded me... that I am very special.  And I kinda mean that like... special ed and not "you're a pretty pretty princess" special.  It was humbling.  I am not the catch of the century.  Yeah.  Shocking, isn't it? (try to read some sarcasm if you can). 

After my shocking realization... and after a handful of amazing friends came to my emotional rescue... Jesus said to me... that I am a delicate flower... a Plumeria maybe... and that if there is a man that would be willing to carry that flower in his hand... that man would require special training... and a very special, unselfish heart. 

I was walking around with my cousin while we were shopping... and she was inspecting this purse that she possibly wanted to buy.  It had a scratch on it but it was the only one left.  We decided that she should just get it and then go to another store and see if she could find a better one.  It's different when you make the scratch after you've bought it.  No one really wants to choose a purse with a scratch already on it.  You choose to buy the perfect one.

My friend and I were having lunch and her water bottle label had a rip in it.  Mine didn't.  I looked at the ripped one and I saw... myself.  Two bottles on a shelf... one label ripped... one label intact.  Someone would probably choose the intact one even though the ripped label has no impact on the water inside the bottle.  I think God was reemphasizing the point for me... that it takes someone a little extraordinary who will choose the ripped bottle... who will buy the purse with the scratch... knowing that even though he didn't make the scratch... he could still buy and love the purse anyway... [omg OK so I know that (most) men wouldn't buy and use a purse but just go with my analogy...] so... since He's taking so much time and care to prepare that heart for me... wait for it. 

I am darn sure that God would not withhold good things from me.  What I've got right now is singleness and since God's way is better than Tiff's way 100% of the time... this is what is best right now.  Maybe I've still got some more growing to do... maybe God's not done preparing me yet.  Maybe God's not done preparing someone for me yet either.  Or maybe there is no one in my future and I'm supposed to finish my life journey hand in hand with Jesus alone.  He was expert at seeing past the rips and tears... past the dirty clothes, the scuffs and bruises... He saw the Samaritan woman at the well when no one else would stop to realize her value.  Now for a man to have a heart like Jesus's and to see beyond my exterior, beyond my widowdom... and value my heart...and my potential more than the scars of my past... I think that is worth waiting for, right?  Yes.  Must keep reminding myself of that. 

Part of Dan's sermon yesterday was on living in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.  He made a good analogy of putting a beautiful, juicy steak... on a dirty plate with old food stuck to it... maybe streaks of mold around it.  We need to be clean plates.  We were dirty plates but we were washed clean and a big steak was put on us... and as part of presenting the gospel rightly... we need to keep on striving in our sanctification.  We need to obey.  Another thing I remember was that obedience to God's commandments was not meant to stifle us... it was meant to free us.  It was meant to be a good thing. 

I don't think I walked in a manner worthy of the gospel... before Anderson.  Shoot, I still might not be.  But I know that my mistakes... my careless disregard for the preciousness of my purity... it really hurt Anderson.  Back then... I don't think I cared about my faceless husband.  I think I thought that my boyfriends were the face of my husband... but they weren't.  The heart is such a precious thing.  I remember my dad telling me that my heart was like gum.  When you stick two pieces of gum together... you can't ever cleanly separate them.  There's always going to be pieces of you stuck to the other gum, and pieces of the other gum stuck to you.  The more you keep sticking your gum to things, the more of "you" you leave behind.  And it's true.  Nothing ever feels quite like your first kiss.  I can't ever get that back and regift it to anyone else.  I remember going through breakups and feeling so used and worthless.  Restoration and healing only came from God.  I kinda wanted to write to my husband.  I guess future... but if there is no future husband, then it's just addressed to Jesus. 

Dearest Beloved,

From the deepest depths of my heart, with every fiber of my being, I want to tell you that I love you.  

I... have nothing to say to defend myself.  I've made mistakes in my past and I cannot change them.  I wish I would have been wise and respectful to you and I wish I had waited for God to bring you to me rather than to compromise for a temporary, fleeting, fleshly gain.  I implore your forgiveness for my foolishness and blatant disregard for you and your feelings.  God had already told me that He has amazing plans for me.  I'm so, so sorry I didn't believe them with full faith throughout my entire life.  I... hope that you will forgive me and accept me as I am.

I know I may not be who you imagined or who you would have wanted to marry if you ever dreamt about it when you were younger.  I know you probably would not have chosen to be the second husband to a widow... you probably would have wanted to be someone's first and last.  And I know it takes someone very special not only to love me, but to love who I love... even if it means also loving my love for my first husband, which I am not sure will ever go away.  It is a lot to ask and I do not take it lightly that you have knowingly taken this burden as part of loving and carrying me... and entrusting me to be your helper and also maybe the mother of your children and queen of your household. And yes, honey, that makes you king. 

I cannot change the past... I can only do what I can from now on to live in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ... and worthy of your love.  I hope that I will not forget... I hope that from this moment on... the commitment I am making to you today... before I see your face smiling at me from the end of the aisle... will warm your heart and reassure you that I am wholly yours.  I will not split my heart again.  I am dedicating myself to loving and pursuing our God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength... preserving what I have, allowing God to grow me, mold me, and restore me... and guarding the best of me for Him... and also for you. 

Thank you for loving me and thank you for wanting to embark on the epic adventure of life with me at your side.  I love you and I'm excited... for us.  It's gonna be awesome!

<3,
Tiff

p.s. you look hot in that tux.  or suit.  or whatever you're wearing when you're reading this.  Jeans?  Pajamas?  K.  I'm ending this now.  Love you!

gifts and bubblies

Hm.  It's been a while since I last posted.  Many thoughts.  All scattered.  My brain isn't functioning optimally lately... I'm stressed, I'm exhausted... I'm struggling.

I did have a thought a week or so ago.  I'll try to write it out now.  It was about gifts.

I think a few weeks ago I was having a pity party for myself.  I was lying in bed, crying... I was so sad.  I felt like my outsides were going to collapse into the middle of my chest and I was going to cease to exist.  Like... how in the Star Trek movie when what's-his-Romulin-face created the black hole in the center of Vulcan and the entire planet was consumed... that's how it felt.  I was lying in bed... collapsing within myself and crying out... maybe to God... maybe to no one in particular... but I cried out and asked, "where did my bubblies go?"

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me.  I used to have bubblies... joy... fizziness... that got me out of bed and propelled me through the day.  I would open that door at the top of the stairs and would enter Tower 2 with a smile... wondering what the day was going to be like... who I was going to get to meet... what fun conversations I was going to have...

So... where did my bubblies go?  I dunno.  I felt like life had thrown a giant dose of simethicone or Gas-X onto my bubblies and I had been de-fizzed.  Flat.  Stale.

And then I thought a little bit... and I realized how selfish I was being.  How all I cared about was my own feelings, my own sadness... and I didn't even know how some of my closest friends were doing. How could I expect anyone to be my friend when I wasn't being theirs?  So I thought I'd try to see how a few were doing.  There were only a few ppl that I wanted to even talk to at that moment.  My first choice... my calls aren't gonna get through until I get to heaven.  I texted my next choice... no response.  So I called... and she answered.  Thank God.  The perfect person answered.  I didn't even know what I was going to say but somehow a conversation went on and ended with a prayer that touched my heart... and gave me enough peace to fall asleep.  I woke up with a heart that felt loved... by God and by the people God sends to reach out to me... and then a renewed desire to spend less time pondering my own sadness and more time reaching out to people I thought I didn't have the time to reach out to.  I really don't have a whole LOT of time... but I had somehow slowly convinced myself that I didn't have enough time for people... and then I became a yucky version of myself.

I can't say that my bubblies have completely and fully returned but I think they're well on their way.  In the midst of my loss of gassy-ness... I pondered what I used to do that made me happy.  I used to go to the park on my days off.  I used to visit my heart-leaf tree.  I used to stop by the neighbor's houses and stare at the flowers in bloom.  I used to think about people and email them or text them to let them know I was thinking of them.  So I decided to just start doing the things I used to love doing.

Among a mass flurry of emailing and facebook messaging... I randomly thought of someone... and amazon'd her a bag of Chia seeds because I thought that she might like them.  It's a highly unusual gift... a bag of Chia seeds.  You'd have to have an understanding about me, about the way I show people I care, and about how awesome I think Chia seeds are... to begin to appreciate the gift I'm giving.  There is almost always a thought behind the gifts I give.  Either you mentioned that you liked it in a conversation... or I like it and I want to share it with you... or I somehow feel that it would be useful to you or meet your needs in some way... or... I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.  I almost always try to write a note explaining the gift... just in case it is really that weird that you wouldn't understand it unless I explained it.  It kinda does give me joy to buy things for people as I think of them or run across things I think they might like.  It gives me even more joy to see/hear that the gift is being used by the person I gave it to... in the ways I intended them to use it or even better.

And then it made me think of God and His love to give good gifts to His children.

God only gives good things.  Sometimes it might not seem like it at first... but maybe it's because I just don't get it yet.  Or I opened the box and pulled out a bag of Chia seeds and got confused as to what it's for, what I'm supposed to do with it, and who in the world would send such a bizarre gift.  Maybe the note will follow the gift.  Maybe a note will never come.  But I always know who sends me strange and wonderful things... and I just have to trust that whatever's in this box is just as wonderful, full of thoughtfulness and coming from a deep understanding of me that only God has... and perfectly suited and meant for me, and only me, as Anderson was.

My gifts.  So many gifts.

I think about my gift of Anderson... and I remember I am blessed.  I also consider my gift of widowdom... and I think about how God revealed Himself to me in the deepest valleys... through the shadow of death... and I cannot deny that the life I have now is even more rich and colorful than the life I lived before.  I consider the gift of my job... as stressful and frustrating as it is... it sustains me financially... it gives me a lot to think about... it gives me opportunities to put my faith into practice... and I've met so many awesome people through work.  I also consider the gift of education.  Not very many people would be able to or even want to go back for a 4th helping of higher education... and honestly, sometimes... OK a LOT of times, I wonder why I did this to myself.  But... getting a nursing doctorate has helped me broaden my thinking about my profession... and it will also broaden my scope of practice and teach me the skills I wanted to take on the mission field one day.  Without someone asking essay questions about problem areas in the workplace... I don't know if I ever would have put my thoughts about hospital visitation policy into writing... and actually think about what I can do to improve patient- and family-centered care in my workplace.  That's my dissertation topic.  Patient- and Family-Centered Care.  A culmination of my experiences as a widow, as a nurse... as a person who wanted to do "something" to help people... and this is where I ended up.  That vague "something" that drove me to get out of plant research and into public health and then into nursing... is now becoming somewhat of a reality.  I'm really trying to "use" the gifts that God's given me... the experiences I've had... all my skills... using them all to enrich the rest... Sometimes I don't even think I know what the gift is for... I just pick it up and play with it and God ends up doing something crazy or amazing with it... just because I picked it up. 

I've really been struggling with this class I'm taking now.  It's called "evidence-based thinking for scholarship and practice"... but it's basically research methods and forcing me to decide on a research question, do a literature review and start writing the first chapter of my clinical dissertation.  It's killing me.  Not literally.  But I'm really struggling... in ways I haven't struggled before in this program.  I'm also kinda struggling at work.  I transferred out of my telemetry unit and onto another telemetry floor... and I will be transferring into the ICU, God willing... if I survive.  I also wondered why I interviewed for this position.  Why did I put extra stress on myself?  Why couldn't I just ride it out on a floor I was comfortable on... and have less stress at work so I could spend more time doing school stuff?  Aye.  Because I'm crazy and also because God has crazy plans for me too.

I think God knew that I would struggle really hard with this class.  My class is 8 weeks long.  I was asked to take a 6-week long critical care class on Wednesdays during the day.  That means one less shift per week on the hospital floor and therefore one additional day that I could spend doing homework.  My 6-week critical care class will end precisely when this school class ends.  God's grace to me.

I've also been struggling hard with deciding what my research question was going to be.  Because of the struggle and all the back-and-forth I've been doing, I haven't been able to finish my assignments early.  Every single assignment, I'm working right up until the deadline and submitting like minutes before it's due.  This is stressful for me too.  I would really prefer to get things done early... but I haven't been able to for this class.

My director also suggested that I go to this critical care conference that I went to last Friday.  At first, I was somewhat annoyed that I had to wake up at like 6am to spend all day at a nursing conference... but it ended up being a really good conference.  And another act of God... one of the conference speakers ended up not being able to present... so they had two women present on Patient- and Family-Centered Care (PFCC)... the topic I'm writing on for my dissertation!  One of the presenters is getting her DNP too and she's also doing her dissertation on PFCC.  The other presenter has 3 kids with mitochondrial abnormalities and has so many stories about all the hospital units she's been in and out of... and it really just reminded me of... me.  I got a chance to talk to the nurse getting her DNP and we've been emailing since then.  She's willing to help me flesh out my topic, my passions... and offer help where she can.  I could say that it was all coincidence, but I really find it hard to believe that it could be.  God knows me.  He knows exactly what I'm going through, exactly where my heart is struggling, exactly what I need and He just arranges it all so perfectly that I ended up at that particular conference... He had the other guy cancel and these two ladies take his place.  Perfect providence is God's sovereignty at work.

I also had a really rough day at work last week.  It started and ended with tears.  And I could ignore it or think that it was all coincidence too... but a surprising number of people have been encouraging me lately.  And have you ever gotten a gift that you really wanted, but you've never told anyone you did?  Well... I got such a gift and it was nothing short of amazing.

I've always wanted to go to a football game.  Seriously.  Yeah.  I never got to go in high school and ended up at like all kinds of colleges that don't have football teams.  I think Chapman has one... but I don't wanna go by myself.  Plus... I've tried watching football on TV and ended up having to ask friends so many questions... that I'm sure I wasn't much fun.  Oh and I also like it when girls explain it to me.  Guys know a lot more but for some reason... it's a lot harder for me to understand.  I think Pami said it best when she told me that they've got 4 chances to get the ball across two lines.  That was an enlightening moment.  That made all the other random tidbits that I've gleaned from friends make a lot more sense.  I still don't really get it but I know enough to appreciate it now.  And it is quite exciting.  I got like absolute royal treatment.  If that was the only football game I ever go to, I think I would have absolutely no complaints.  We sat 3 rows up from the field.  We tailgated all fancy-like with caterers and chocolate fountains. We started walking down the stairs to our seats and kickoff happened... and before we even sat down, they scored a touchdown.  It was super fun.  AND I got to go with amazing people. We also went to get my three favorite desserts afterwards... 'Lette macarons, fried plantains and Dole Whip.  I don't know how the day could have gone any better.  Seriously amazing.

So what... was it 2 or 3 weeks ago that I was lamenting about my bubblies?  God has since then showered me with amazing gifts from almost every angle possible.  I haven't even written about every single gift.  There have been people that I've randomly caught up with these past few weeks... amazing foods I've eaten... even a lunch that my dad packed for me which included fried rice that he made and two of my favorite "rare" fruits... a white nectarine and a golden kiwi and my mom's daily carrot juice which, in addition to the Chia seeds, has kept me more regular than usual.

I am amazed at the thoughtfulness of these gifts... both at the Ultimate Giver and His extreme love for me... and at the people and things He's chosen to utilize to gift me and bless me in amazing ways... ways which I cannot deny have been tailored specifically for me.  I don't think the bubblies have returned in full force but it's getting there.  And I know that joys don't automatically accompany blessings and the presence of them doesn't mean that I'll have joy... but it sure does help put a smile on my face when I get showered with love.  And I even wonder if all the struggles and hardship make me appreciate the random gifts even more... like how light shines brighter in the midst of darkness.

Ok... I think this one was pretty long and I definitely need to get some rest.
<3,
Tiff

I know all these pics are on my fb but just in case... and also because it's fun to look back on when I do get a chance to read my old blog entries again... here are some pictures.

After a failed attempt to get gelato...

ramen!

everything's better wrapped in bacon

Jia yo

Such a pretty ticket...

purple flowers

Hi Friend,

I'm super exhausted but I did want to write a follow-up to my last post.  Thank you so much for praying for me!  If you didn't read my last post, I'm pretty sure you would have prayed for me had you known so thank you for meaning to pray for me.  And if you don't pray... well, thank you for thinking good thoughts for me or meaning to think good thoughts for me.  I really appreciate all of you for supporting me and keeping my thoughts in good company over the years.  Thank you for caring for me.

So I think I asked for prayer about my presentation in my last post but I might not have talked about what I was presenting.  I wrote a paper on hospital visiting hours and overnight guest policy and why I think they should be more lenient.  The reason why I chose that topic in particular was because I needed to write an opinion piece advocating for culturally competent care in the workplace.  It was a melding of my own personal experience as a family member of a patient and as a nurse working on a unit which is not exactly family-friendly.

I actually wrote it with a very tiny inkling that maybe I could send it to my CNO (Chief Nursing Officer) and possibly plant the seed for a policy change, but I wasn't actually sure I would go through with it.  After I wrote it, I didn't feel that great about it.  I figured I'd let my professor give me some feedback first.  I did get really good feedback on it and my professor challenged me to think of ways to create a more caring and culturally competent atmosphere on my unit.  And then the CNO actually came to my floor, on a night that I was working...to bring us cookies.  I thought I heard her voice so I turned around to say hi.  She asked me how I was doing... how school was going... and then I had an inkling that maybe I would write her a thank you email for coming and bringing us cookies... and btw, here's my paper.  So I did. 

Sometimes I'm very thoughtless.  I don't really think about the potential consequences of my actions before doing them... for example... whether or not I actually wanted to go back to school before sending my application.  It just seemed like a good idea at the time.  I have this weird way of thinking about grad school.  I figure that I'll just apply and if I get in, then I'll decide whether or not I want to go.  If I don't get in, I won't have to decide... the decision's made for me. Why should I limit myself when I don't even have the option of making that choice yet?  Usually it works out.  Nursing school totally worked out.  Getting my doctorate... I did freak out.  Emailing my CNO was one of those thoughtless decisions.  I don't know what I thought was going to happen.  I really didn't think that she'd email me back and ask me to present at a nursing leadership meeting. 

And then I got an email a few weeks later from another director letting me know that I could have 10 minutes to present... 8 minutes to present my "article and my findings" and 2 minutes for questions.  Once things started to materialize and I had actual dates and times... I started to freak out.

I didn't really know how to prepare for it.  I was sitting here with my paper... wondering what I was going to say.  I don't even talk about this stuff with my co-workers... my peers!  How was I going to talk about it with nursing managers/directors?  And honestly... who am I?  I'm a baby nurse compared to all of them.  I guess it didn't help that the last nursing leadership meeting I went to, there were like 50 people in the room and there was... arguing and bickering going on.  Anyway... so I figured I'd just prepare for it the same way I prepare for my other presentations... I'll make a powerpoint. 

I didn't intend on actually presenting with the powerpoint... just using it to guide my presentation.  I could also use it to time myself so I stay within the time limits.  I actually started shaking with nervousness as I was making this powerpoint.  I've never started shaking this far in advance.  Normally, I get really nervous 5 minutes before I present...not 12+ hours before.  So I decided to choose a theme that would calm me... something that when I looked at it, would make me happy.  So I chose this one... a purple flower theme. 


And because I wanted to build a little credibility, I did spend 3-4 slides introducing myself and letting them know my motivation for writing this paper.  I made up my mind that I was going to tell them that I'm a widow.  It is relevant.  And it was my "hook". 

So my "hook" actually ended up backfiring a little bit on me because the CNO introduced me and said that I had recently been at the hospital as a family member of a patient... and I told her, and everyone else... that it was actually my husband... not just any family member. 

I was already shaking before it was time for me to present and by the time I said, "widow" I broke down in tears.  It was probably a culmination of my emotional instability, being so nervous that I couldn't sleep the night before, and just feeling overwhelmed with the situation in general... I started crying. 

I am so glad that I'm a nurse.  I think in almost every other profession, if you burst into tears in front of your executive management, it'd be a negative thing.  Nurses are so caring.  I got so many hugs.  My previous director actually got up and stood in the back of the room so that I would see her and just talk to her... to help decrease my anxiety.  They offered me a chair.  It was just such a caring and nurturing experience. 

I was able to get through the rest of my presentation surprisingly.  Even though I had less than 10 minutes to present and I was talking really fast, people made a lot of really pertinent comments.  They were totally paying attention.  One lady even shared her own personal story with the group after I was done.  Someone else came up to me and shared that they were a widow too.  And one of the male managers said that he was sorry for my loss.  I'm not sure if they were just being nice, but a lot of people came up to me and told me that I did a good job.  My own managers said that they were proud of me.  The woman who hired me gave me a high five and said that she was happy to see me growing.  Who could ask for anything more? 

On top of that, the CNO finished up the meeting and challenged the managers and directors to think about their care from the patient's perspective and she asked them to think about whether or not our hospital could just get rid of the visiting hour limitations altogether.  She told someone to put it on next month's agenda.  I'm not sure if anything will come of it but I was really surprised by everyone's response.  Very pleasantly surprised.  And maybe if our policies do end up changing... maybe I did my little part to help. 

To God be the glory.  Seriously.  Great things He has done.  I was ill-prepared, sleep-deprived, and a crying, shaking, nervous mess.  The fact that any words at all came out of my mouth was a miracle and a blessing.  And the fact that the whole thing was received so well... despite my less than stellar delivery... another miracle.  As if I needed another reason to add to the proof that I serve the God of the impossible... He just keeps lavishing me with His wonders.   

I did go to Target afterwards to run an errand but I ended up finding this purple flower air freshener.  I felt like it jumped off the shelf and called to me.  Kinda like God was reassuring me and letting me know that He was always there... and He left me this little flower to find along the way because He knew exactly what would make me smile... He always knows how to leave little love notes everywhere for me to find to let me know He was thinking of me and that He cares.  You might think... that it was just a flower.  Somebody in China probably pressed a button to make it... but you know what... that person in China didn't know that I would find it today and that my heart would delight in it.  I really think that God used whoever created it and all the hands that got it precisely where I was walking by to bless ME. 

Brain function is super low right now.  I really need to sleep.  How come every time I think I'm going to write a short one, it ends up being really long? 

I'd just like to end by relating this entire situation back to something I read today... in Nehemiah that encouraged me too.  I love Nehemiah... it's such a good book.  So much good stuff in it.  Anyway... so Nehemiah was just a cup bearer... but cup bearer to the king of the nation that conquered Israel.  He was just one man... with a heart full of compassion... and he wanted to do something about the sad situation that he heard about.  He decided that he was wanted to rebuild the walls around Jerusalem.  Nehemiah wasn't really "anyone" either.  He wasn't a builder, he wasn't an architect, he wasn't some great military leader... he was just a man with a heart that moved for his people...a prayerful heart that sought to obey God.  He prayed... and then made the most of his situation and asked the king if he could go to Jerusalem to rebuild their walls.  I don't know if Nehemiah really thought about the task set before him.  Maybe he did, maybe he didn't think about the task so much as He thought about the God who could make all things possible.  Maybe all he had to do was show up with a desire deep in his heart to do what God had put on his heart to do and then just trust that God would empower him and take care of everything else.

So maybe that's all I need to do too.  God gave me my life experiences and put me in a situation where I see needs and I see areas that could be built up.  And I really could just keep to my work and glorify God in that, but what if God called me to do something bigger?  What if He gave ME the voice to speak up to the CNO to ask for a change in hospital policy?  And what if some great and miraculous things were to happen simply because I said something... and then showed up to say something more? 

Who knows what's going to happen in the future.  Maybe nothing will happen.  Maybe I'll just be known as that girl who cried in front of everyone at that one meeting in September.  I don't know.  I'm really tired.  I think maybe I'll take another cue from Nehemiah and just work on building up the wall that's right in front of me.  One stone at a time, one day at a time... and then maybe one day before I know it, the walls will be high and strong. 

I don't think I'm making any sense anymore.  Anyway, I hope that was enough to give you the gist of how my presentation went. 

Good night...
<3,
Tiff