An odd random... I have 129 posts on this blog and today is 1/29 and I'm 29 today. K. That's it. :)
I love buffets. I don't love all buffets... but my sister-in-law took me to a BBQ buffet and that was pretty awesome. While at the BBQ buffet, we were reminiscing about the mediterranean buffet and the brazilian BBQ in Houston that we miss. Last week, I had tea at the Huntington... it's all-you-can-eat. Yummy open-face smoked salmon sandwiches. A few days ago, I went to the Shakey's lunch buffet with Laurie. That was pretty awesome too. I got too many fried chickens. They were so yummy and juicy and crunchy. And mo jo potatoes. Yum yum yum. Looking fwd to Korean BBQ with a few friends next week. :D All-I-can-meat makes me happy.
I don't necessarily pig out at a buffet. Lately, I've only been eating until I'm at about... 75% capacity and then I stop myself. It's a good feeling of being full, but not stuffed. I think it's more that I get to choose what I want to put on my plate and you don't get to look at me funny if I get a whole plate full of pineapple chunks. It's my choice. Freedom to choose. Love it.
I had a thought the other day. I almost just let it pass but after the events of today... (or more like yesterday), I don't think I should.
So I was heading out of the house to go to work the other day and I heard a noise. I saw a bird in our house. It was hopping along the ledge of a window that we have... way up high... dunno what it's called... a vaulted ceiling or something but it was probably at least 10 feet high. It's the window above our front door. It was pacing back and forth on the ledge. Obviously restless, nervous. Banging its head against the window every now and then. I'm almost always pressed for time when I'm off to work so I did make an effort... I tried to get its attention. I clapped. I yelled, "hey birdie!" What? Don't judge. You never know. Maybe an English-speaking bird flew into our house that day. Might as well give it a try. It didn't work. I had no time. I had to leave. I figured someone else would have to deal with the birdie that night.
I got in the car and started driving to work. On the radio, the dude was saying how much God loves us. No matter what bad things we've done, no matter how many times we mess up, no matter WHAT... God loves us and His love is more than enough. He said that there's something special and amazing about living up to a love that we already have... as opposed to trying to earn a love that we don't have. There is so much freedom in the former and so much fear in the latter. So true.
So I thought about that birdie. I really wished that...that birdie would have just listened to me. I wished that he/she would have heard me, listened, and flown 5 feet down and out of our house. I had its best interest at heart. But... I can't blame it. It didn't even seem like it heard me. I might have needed to resort to physical force to get it down from there. I'm sure it would have fought me or the net or whatever I had to use to get it down. I'm sure it would have beat its wings against me, maybe even clawed me, scratched and bit me (do birds bite?) because it might have thought it was going to die. But... it would have been wrong. The momentary captivity would have been for its own good. Seriously.
But God is loving and patient. He waits. He doesn't have to rush off to go to work... He would have stood there and waited and He would have kept on trying. He would have wanted the birdie to listen to His voice, like I wanted the birdie to listen to mine. He's not short like me either. He could have reached up, grabbed the birdie in two hands with the most gentlest of touches... brought the birdie down and then released it outside, where it belongs.
This is how I imagine God caring for me. All this joy and freedom I've experienced this past year and a half or so... this is me being released out into the world. Free. Happy and free. Thankful for His love. Thankful that while there was a time when I might have feared that my life was over... that it really wasn't. The darkness was His hands covering me... teaching me, molding me... His Words speaking to me in the most gentlest of tones with the most powerfully poignant words of grace and lovingkindness. I imagine Him holding me in His hands... whispering into my ear. Teaching me, reassuring me... to trust Him. He knows what's best and His plans and timing are perfect. I hope I listened. I hope I trusted.
The person that I am now is not the same person that used to pace back and forth on a window ledge. I'm no longer that birdie who looks out and sees the world through foggy glass... wishing I were out there and not in here...jealous of the other birdies who seemed to be enjoying their freedom while I was stuck in a place I thought I'd never escape. I am no longer resigned to observing other people's joy... observing other people spreading their wings and flying... downtrodden, frustrated and bitter... thinking that I was born stuck in a place I never wanted to be, stuck in a body that couldn't seem to fly, with dull, colorless feathers. This is not who I was meant to be, but this is how I saw life.
I was explaining to my friend about purpose... about fulfilling the purpose for which we were created. This isn't perfect, but it's how I see it. A hammer is a hammer. A hammer was designed to drive and pull up nails. That is its purpose and that is what it was created specifically to do. A hammer can be set on a table and used as a paper weight. It is a fully functional paperweight... it's not the best paperweight, but it can do that job. The hammer doesn't reach its full potential until it is wielded and utilized for its intended purpose. Any thing with weight can hold down paper... not any old paperweight can drive a nail. I used to use a mag light to drive nails in college. That kind of worked... but not as good as a hammer would have. A flashlight's a flashlight. A hammer's a hammer.
This birdie was meant to fly. I have a heart that was meant to love. I have hands that were meant to work. I have a mind that was meant to be utilized. I have lips that were meant to smile... a voice that was meant to encourage... to laugh... to speak truth. I was meant to be a nurse. I was meant to be a woman. I was meant to be your friend. I was meant to be Anderson's wife. I was meant to be Tiffany Ng Chen, a lover, a caregiver, a daughter, a sister, a friend, (professional student?)... and most importantly... daughter of the Most High. In Him, I am growing to reach full potential... flying high... having passion, love, peace, and joy that surpasses my understanding... far better than what I thought I was missing out on from the other side of that foggy glass. I'm happy!
I love it! I want you to experience it too! I want you to fly with me. Fly with me, birdies!
Unfortunately, the birdie stuck in my house did not come to the same happy ending.
I started cleaning my room a few days ago. I put some unwanted clothes into big boxes... and I put them into the room adjacent to mine... planning on just closing the door and *poof* it disappears for a while. My mom wouldn't let that happen. She's been on a cleaning rampage lately. She says that when she sees a mess, she cleans it. I am quite adept at making messes so she found my new mess and decided to clean it. She asked me which bags/boxes I wanted and which she could donate. As I was sorting... I saw something and I screamed.
Birdie was legs up next to one of my bags in that room. UGH. Gives me shivers just thinking on it.
My mom was like "no wonder there was poop all along the doorway..." as I was still jumping and squealing and freaking out about birdie.
It hit me that although God is patient and loving and kind... there isn't unlimited time for us to ignore His voice and "not listen". NOW is the time to stop pacing, stop banging my head against the glass, and listen to the voice of the One who wants me to fly. Finding oneself feet up, alone, amongst bags of unwanted clothes is a very harsh reality... ok actually the true reality is much worse than being legs up with my clothes... but... yeah. You get the gist. There should be double motivation to listen to His voice... firstly, for the promise of abundant life... secondly, to avoid the alternative... if not eternal damnation and condemnation, but a life lived in captivity... in the likeness of one who will end up in a not-so-lovely place.
My birthday wish for all of you is that you will fly with me... that you will spread your wings, revealing all the beautiful colors with which you were created... and soar high in the glorious sky... that you would experience all the desires of your heart coming true before your very eyes... that the transformation of your character would be nothing short of miraculous... that your eyes would see His glory, your heart would feel His love... and that you cannot help but to overflow that love onto everyone around you and help them to fly too.
:) Yes. That's what I want for my birthday. I want for you to fly with me. :)
<3,
Tiff
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