Day 213 - Changes

Tomorrow, the 22nd, will mark 7 months since Anderson's passing.

Tomorrow, the 22nd, will also mark the first day of my first nursing job.

I think I'm just being dramatic, but I'm seriously mourning the loss of my student lifestyle. After going to grad school almost right after undergrad, and then going straight into a nursing program afterwards... let's just say I'm ready to move on to another stage of my life, but I still appreciate the freedom and flexibility that being a full time student allows me. And all of that's going to change.

There've been lots of changes going on lately. Life's been pretty interesting, to say the least. Vibrant, perhaps.

I think one of the biggest changes has been... in my heart. I feel. I care. I care about people. I'm pretty fortunate to have so many people to care about and to care for. And I'm also pretty fortunate that my occupation is centered around caring for people as well. When I first started nursing school, I think I was more enamored with the fact that I was learning useful skills... practical skills... and I get to help people on the side. Now that I'm starting work, I feel thankful that I can primarily help people, not only through my useful, practical skills, but also care for them with a love that I've never known before. Basically, I'll be caring for people at work, caring for people when I'm not at work... I'm caring for people all the time and that makes me really happy to have so many opportunities to care.

This is so different than who I was before. Really. I didn't used to care for all that many people. Nothing much moved me... and the word "empathy" really didn't mean much of anything because I didn't empathize with hardly anyone. It was me in my world. And maybe Anderson too. To joy with someone else's joy? To hurt with someone else's hurt? It's almost as if my heart were cold and callous because it didn't feel much of anything. I had to force myself to care. Not so much now. Nowadays, stuff kinda just... overflows. It's not only that I have more love to give, but also that I have eyes that see where to give as well. My vision isn't perfect, but it's a lot more clear than it was before. Changes.

Another big change is... that I have a whole lot more to say nowadays. Anderson always used to tell me that I don't talk enough. I went back and read my blog post right before his memorial service and I wrote, in all honesty, "I'm not a talker". And it was true. What I appreciated about Anderson was that he knew and understood my heart... and he could speak for me when I couldn't speak for myself. Nowadays... I could probably spend an average of 1.5-2 hours talking with someone, then spend another 2 hours talking to someone else... and then another 2 hours talking to someone else. The other day, I met up with a friend and pretty much talked for 3.5 hours straight. The sun set as I was talking. I was telling another friend that I couldn't believe I just spent 3.5 hours talking to someone, and she said "I believe it". Hm, imagine that. When did I get so chatty?

There's just so much more to talk about now. I have thoughts I've never thought before. I have an understanding of God, myself and life that I've never had before. Every single day, there's new adventures and new blessings. My heart smiles for things I never took the time to notice before. Life just makes sense now. Life has a purpose, a direction... and I have a lot of peace about that.

I never would have thought that I'd be a happier, more peaceful, more content person after the death of my husband. I was that girl who went into such a depression after breaking up with my first boyfriend that I lost 20 pounds in a month because I wouldn't eat. Just a break up. Not even the death of my husband, the love of my life. This happiness, peace, and contentment... is definitely not characteristic of me. If you had tried to describe me now to my younger self, I would have said that you were lying. It was impossible for me to have joy or passion... that was something that other people were born with but not me. Our God is the God of the impossible and who I am today... is a testimony of what impossibly wonderful things He can do in terribly boring and imperfect people like me.

Oh my words could not tell, not even in part
Of the debt of love that is owed by this thankful heart.

I don't chat it up with everyone though. I don't know why sometimes the floodgates open and why sometimes they're closed. Hm. Like right now, they're closing... because...I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go to bed. Hafta wake up kind of early tomorrow. Will continue thoughts later. Maybe tomorrow. Night!

Day 209 - reaching for his hand

I didn't realize I used to do this until he told me, but Anderson told me that he loved the way that my hand would automatically search for his when we'd be sleeping at night. He said that when my hand found his, I'd interlock our fingers and then I'd stop moving and continue sleeping. I really don't remember searching for his hand under the blankets while we slept, but I can understand why I used to do this.

I had always had a hard time sleeping. I used to like falling asleep to the noise of the TV. Sometimes I'd just put a movie on and fall asleep to it. One of my favorite movies to sleep to was March of the Penguins or any commentary. The sound of people's voices helped me sleep. Maybe I didn't like sleeping alone. I'm not sure. And maybe I had a lot less stress while I was in Texas, but sleeping in the same bed with Anderson was some of the best sleep of my life. And for some reason, I was the only person who felt comfortable enough to sleep with Anderson in the hospital room. My dad tried doing it once... my dad can sleep ANYWHERE, but he couldn't sleep at the hospital.

Yesterday morning I woke up from a semi-bad dream and I felt sad. No Anderson. No hand to hold. I miss having someone there with me when I wake up, especially after a bad dream. And I'm really affected by my dreams. They're so real to me that I sometimes wake up emotionally affected by them. Yesterday was one of those days.

I dreamt yesterday that I was being hunted. I had a gun. I was being hunted by 2 women. We had one of those rolling-on-the-floor gun fights in a parking lot. I did some pretty good slow-mo tumbling and got some direct hits to the middle of their chests... to their foreheads... KILLS! But they didn't die. They kept coming and I was out of bullets so I had to run. Since we were in a parking lot I decided to run between the cars so I wouldn't be such an easy target. And then I got tired of running so I hid inside a car and pretended I was sleeping. They actually found me but they didn't recognize me because they couldn't tell one Asian apart from the next. I dunno what kind of hitwomen they were if they couldn't even recognize their mark. Oh well. I got away. That time.

Next phase of the dream... I was driving a large 18-passenger van through a very scary neighborhood. There were lots of children in the van... some babies. A mom was in the van too but she refused to believe that we were in any danger. She wanted to go stop and get Mexican food. i told her NO, stay in the car... we were waiting for 2 friends to come out of a building and we should be ready in front of the building with the engine running so they could make a quick getaway. She REALLY wanted Mexican food! So I was driving around trying to find Mexican food for her. While I was driving around, the big boss, who hired the 2 hitwomen, saw me and started talking to me. He didn't threaten me. He actually tried to smooth talk me into going to work for him. He told me that I would have security and safety... I could have this big bank account in the Caymans for free... all I had to do was sign and work for him. I said no thanks and tried to drive back to the building. As I was driving away, I remember feeling tempted...he was still calling out to me as I drove away but I'm glad I said no. You don't make deals with the big boss of evil... no matter how tempting it seems at the time.

And I still remember feeling the need to reload my gun. I had a fanny pack type thing and I was searching for bullets. I found batteries. No bullets. ARGH. Unprotected with a van full of kids and babies and a crazy mom who wants Mexican food in the middle of a dangerous neighborhood.

I have my theories as to what this dream is telling me. I'm not sure but I think that my physical exhaustion is making me feel spent. I'm empty. No bullets. Tired of running, wanting to hide but knowing I need to reload. I'm also not sure but I think the van full of kids and babies... represent the people that I'm caring for... the people I'm trying to protect. And I'm pretty sure that the big boss is trying to tempt me with the things that would provide me worldly security... he's sweet-talking me into giving in to his offer, but I'm resisting... and yet he's still calling to me even as I resist. I woke up and I cried. And then I decided that I needed to spend the day (yesterday) recharging and reloading. I needed to rest.

I spend a lot of time nowadays thinking about how I am, how I used to be... how much I've changed, how much of me has stayed the same. I read something last week that really touched me. I'm not allowed to quote it but I'll paraphrase it. When I die to myself and choose God's way, I'm not losing myself, my individuality, or any part of my personality. Dying to myself and choosing God is actually releasing me from my self-centeredness and the bondage of sin and allowing me and my personality to develop into what God had created it to be... in His image. I become a better version of myself... the version that God intended me to be. I'm still me, but I'm a more joyful me... a more peaceful me... a more loving me. All my strengths are magnified and my weaknesses strengthened. It's like upgrading myself... the new and improved version.

My own personality... is constantly striving. Constantly doing and constantly looking for ways to do it better. I usually don't do anything mindlessly. I usually analyze it and look for ways to streamline and make it simpler, more efficient, cleaner, streamlined. I say usually because it doesn't always apply, but more often than not if I could have my way, I would do it this way. One of my old dream jobs would have been product testing and development for kitchen supplies and household appliances. It would have made me really happy to test items for form and function, to compare them, and then to tell people which one is better... and possibly also help design a product that works even better than the old one. That would really excite me. :)

I think... this striving for something better... maybe even for excellence... is why I appreciate God so much. I see, especially in Leviticus and Numbers, how God is so intentional. Everything He plans is so strategic, so perfectly balanced and positioned, with symbolism and function... every person has their unique role in the grand scheme of Israel and the Tabernacle... one person's gift is another person's sustenance or tool... and God thought of everything in the design. There is no flaw, no need for improvement. It is perfection. No excess, nothing lacking, no fat to skim off the top... it is perfection.

His ways are so much higher than ours. In aspiring to be more like God... it totally fits my personality in striving for the best... to be the best. I've even chosen the best God... the One that makes the most sense to me, the most fair, the most gracious and loving, the One who never makes mistakes, never fails. Following Christ never needs to be updated to better relate to the masses... man-made religions need to be updated now and then... because they're flawed.

Following Christ is for the young and old, weak and strong, for all personalities, for all of humankind. None are excluded...beginning of life to the end of life... God loves and desires ALL. Not for our utility or form or function... He desires US. You and me. He desires our hearts... a relationship with us. Our purpose here on earth... is to choose Him or not. When we choose Him here, He gives us a glimpse of what a perfect relationship with Him is like. Glorious, bountiful, abundant, vibrant life... a life that overflows... energy and joy pulsing through every fiber of my being... and the closest thing to that on earth is probably romantic love. God used Anderson and my love for each other to give me a little glimpse of what it feels like to love and to be loved... to point me to His love for me. How beautiful the ways He helps me understand. The time and patience He took to wait for me to see that He is the ultimate excellence that I've been searching for my whole life. The energy that never diminishes, the wisdom that never is outdated, a goodness that never falters, a love that never EVER fades... forever and ever. Ultimate.

And yet... I keep wanting to look for other things too. God blesses me with the perks of being with Him and I tend to want to value the perks and enjoy the gifts... and ignore the giver. I'm so ungrateful sometimes. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. It's like my default setting... to want to be and pursue the dysfunctional.

Even doing the things I should be doing... when I do them without the motivation of love... it's meaningless. Even the good things... like meeting up with people, chatting, sharing life... these things that bring me much joy... sometimes can start to feel like a burden. I'm tempted to feel that since I'm burdened, I shouldn't do it at all because there's no love there. But instead of giving up and opting not to do it at all if there's no love behind it... I'm just going to postpone it for a bit. In the meantime I am searching for reasons why I feel compelled to do stuff even without love... and it's just me pushing myself to DO it. It's my personality driving me... towards doing... towards legalism. It's a very strong force within me and it's such a fine line between joy and obligation... between serving out of the overflow of my heart and serving without first being filled. Outwardly, it looks the same to anyone else... but I know... and God knows.

So... feeling drained... feeling tired... a little low and almost running on empty. It's time to stop. Be still and know that He is God. Recharge. I need to go find my bullets and reload. Everything and everyone else can wait... for today at least. I'm recharging. (I wrote this yesterday in my journal... was too tired to post it yesterday... opted to sleep instead)

I know this is a pretty long one and it's a lot less fun than my last post... but I do want to continue and share about my recharging process yesterday and today.

Me, being the overly ambitious planner that I am... had booked this entire week with activities. Some things had been planned for over a month. Didn't want to cancel stuff but at the same time, I wasn't in the mood. But... well... first things first... I decided to put God first. Spend time with him in the morning instead of just rushing out of the house. So I decided to be late to my first hangout on Tuesday... my friend was totally gracious. We went biking. We biked to campus and then worked out at the gym... then biked back. I got an email that morning that I should stop by HR and pick up my forms to get my physical done for my job (starting next week btw). So I drove to the hospital... took my bike off the rack, put the rack in my trunk and biked to the hospital. Got my forms... found out I could just get the physical done right then and there. So I biked the few blocks to the clinic place or whatever. Got my physical done. My next hangout was scheduled around that time but my other friend graciously rescheduled for the next day so I could get my physical done. Getting things done really relaxes me. I was really really glad to be able to get my physical done and I actually find biking really relaxing. Something about the wind blowing in my face... is liberating. I really enjoy just biking slowly and basking in the sunlight and gentle wind. It makes my heart smile. :)

And I got to spend the rest of the day taking care of things like laundry and taking out the trash and talking to people from home by phone, by email, by gchat, by fb. It made me really happy to just be home and get things done. I also did my BSF homework. One of the questions was to look up a set of passages that talk about Jesus's return. One of the passages was from 1 Thes. 4

^{1 Thes 4:16}For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸Therefore encourage each other with these words.

The question asked to choose one of the passages that has significant meaning for me. I chose this one. I've thought about this before... a while ago...when I was thinking about Anderson and our reunion... our date in the clouds. I close my eyes and I can imagine him... floating there... looking for me and waiting with his open hand stretched downward. And I will rise up with my arm stretched upward... our hands will meet, interlock, and we will go up and be with our Lord together, hand in hand... forever and ever.

It warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes. It still does even writing about it now. It's always a good day when I cry. It reminded me of my longing for eternity and the promise of eternity spent in joy and fellowship with God and with those whom I love and especially with my Anderson... my bestest best friend... the man of the dreams I didn't even know to dream yet. Our 6 years together and our 6 beautiful months in holy matrimony will pale in comparison to the glory of the eternity we will spend together in heaven with the Lover of our souls.

Recharged. Ultimate awesomeness.

And Lord haste the day

When my faith shall be sight

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll

The trump shall resound and

The Lord shall descend
Even so it is well with my soul

Day 206 - Harvest is plentiful

I'm not sure what I'm going to write about, but I know that I want to write. My brain is pretty devoid of thoughts, but my heart is full of feelings. I'll try. Here goes:

I spent the weekend at Harvest San Diego's women's retreat. I'm completely and utterly exhausted and yet so full. Full of smiles, full of love... I'm really really happy. :) I also grew two volcanic zits this weekend which I've been hiding underneath my bangs. Anyway... getting off topic...

Seeing as this was my very first speaking engagement, I didn't really know what to expect. I've been to only one women's retreat. The speaker at that retreat was really good. She taught us about praying directly to the names of God. I don't remember anything else she said, but I do remember feeling awe and wonderment at her scholarly ability to teach... and keep my attention for multiple messages. She was a very... distinguished lady... and I admired her wisdom and her speaking proficiency greatly. Seeing as that was my only experience from women's retreat... I really didn't want to be compared to someone like that. I'd written before that I went back and forth between being really excited and being really freaked out. I've been talking to my friends about our "freak-outs" and we decided that "freak-outs" meant that we needed to take a time out and do a faith check. Freak out = faith check. Thinking back to a few days ago, I think the predominant feeling I had was... inadequacy.

I was asked to speak at the retreat about a month ago. I think I have a problem with saying yes before counting the cost. I really don't even know what I was thinking when I agreed. But since then, God's been working on me... in me... challenging me as I stepped out of my comfort zone and moved from writing about God's love for me to actually speaking about it to a bunch of strangers. And what a lovely bunch of strangers too.

I don't know if I was born this way or if I became this way... but I've spent the majority of my life deeply introverted. That sounds weird. According to Myers-Briggs, I was a strongly expressed introvert... an INTJ. I always came out an INTJ (Mastermind). I took the test again in November 2009 and came out an ENFJ (Teacher). I took it again just now out of curiosity and today I'm an ISFJ (Protector). WHAT in the world is going on with me?

Anyway, so I journaled a bit prior to my first speaking session. I wrote that I was feeling inadequate and emotional. I was full of fear... and about to be full of tears. I went out and found Praise and sitting next to her was a lovely lady who wanted to introduce herself to me. I feel really bad about it now but I think I said hi and then I burst into tears. I was feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by my own inadequacy... overwhelmed by the HORDES of women flooding into the house with every passing minute. 50+ women. Strangers. SCARY!

I'm thankful for friends, prayer, and support. Praise was really instrumental in keeping me sane this weekend... especially at the beginning when I was freaking out the most. Despite being sick and having lots of homework to do, she really showed her love to me by putting aside herself and putting me first. She wrote me encouragement cards for every day of retreat. :) She hugged me when I needed it. She prayed with me a lot too. Thank you, Praisy. I never got to help you with your chem homework! SO sorry!

As time went on though... the fear melted away. I'm so blessed that this was a wonderful group of women and not a rough crowd. These women are not afraid to laugh... thank God. With every passing message... I didn't see scariness anymore... I saw smiling faces. I felt the warmth of sisterly love emanating from each woman and multiplying the more time they spent together. The women of Harvest are so beautiful... there is so much love, so much joy... plenty. Harvest is plentiful.

Some of you had asked me to share with you my retreat messages. There's a whole huge story behind those too... I'm too tired to write about it now. I'll just share the titles and the gist.

Sharing #1: brief overview of my testimony based mostly on my 1400 word article for Inheritance Magazine. It helped... to have a brief version. I also cried a lot during this one. When I cry, I can't read what I wrote... so I went off on tangents here and there. I have no record of my tangents, nor much recollection of what comes out of my mouth when I cry.

Sharing #2: God loves us. I shared some from what I wrote about Lavish Love (Day 98 - October 2009) a while back... Anderson loves me and my boogers... Hosea and Gomer... made a Twilight reference about imprinting (thanks Laura Bear...)... and I think what some people might remember about this one was... that I said to "stalk God" (thanks Stacy). A small point, but somehow a memorable one.

Sharing #2: Loving God. Subtitle: boys ruin my life. Reference Death by Boys (Day 123 - November 2009). I scrapped my entire sharing prep for this one. I decided to rewrite the intro during free time and then I shared with them... things which shall not be mentioned on this blog nor on my fb notes. But basically that my fleshly nature is to sin and desire sin... loving God means dying to myself and choosing Him... not just saying it, but actually making choices which show Him that I choose Him. Greater love has no man than this... that a man lay down his life for his friends. Laying down my life is my greatest act of love to God. I think that's how this one went. I needed Praise to keep me on track. I also have no record of what I said here... but I think they really liked this one. Very relatable, I think was the consensus. Someone thanked me for keeping it real.

Sharing #3: Loving Others. The proper order is that God loves us, we love God, and THEN we love others out of the overflow of God's love in our hearts. It made me really happy to hear a few ladies repeat our retreat theme in their sharing. It's so joyous to hear that people paid attention. LOL. I actually think that half the girls were asleep during this one. I know that one room overslept the entire message. :P Man... I wished I could have slept a little longer. I opened my eyes this morning and groaned... I had to get up and speak in 30 minutes. In 30 minutes... I brushed my teeth, washed my face... no time to comb hair... got dressed... couldn't do full on devotions so I opted to go for just my Romans reading... so I read it aloud so that Praise and I could get some Word in the morning. Then we prayed... sang some songs... and it was time to share. Craziness. I shared about my "taking out the trash" analogy, about Beatrice, Praise and Christi as my little sisters, Praise shared about it from her side, and I ended with sharing about the feeding of the 5000 from Mark 14. How Jesus put aside his own grieving, looked up and saw the crowd and had compassion on them, how we tell Jesus to send the people away so they can get something to eat, but Jesus asks to bring Him what we have (which is not even enough for ourselves), He takes it, blesses it, gives it back to us, and asks that we give them bread. The bread is not our own. We are to give it, in faith, that God will replenish it... and keep on giving. And then when people are satisfied, pick up the leftovers because there is no waste. Absolutely none.

Small Groups - I asked to be put into a small group. I wondered if it would be a bad thing... or a good one. A bad one possibly because people might not want to share when the speaker's in their group... but I think it went OK. I was really really blessed by getting a chance to talk to 4 lovely ladies. AND my group name was Dole Whip. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE DOLE WHIPS. Anyone who's been to Disneyland with me knows... every single time. I think God does these little things to make me smile and remind me that He's totally in control and He loves to send me little love notes like this one. Dole Whips. My FAVE. I kinda wish that I could have listened in on everyone's small group. I got to hear bits and pieces of some conversations from time to time and they all sounded like such awesome sharing! I also think it's fascinating what stands out to people from a message. It's sometimes NOT what I intended... but I think it's fascinating nonetheless. For example...

I made a reference to the fruit of the Spirit... and how all my life I'd been trying to conjure the fruit on my own. I tried to be more loving, I tried to be joyful... tried to have peace... to be kind, good... self-controlled and always... failure. I looked at it absolutely wrong my whole life. You don't try to conjure the fruit. You cultivate the tree and the fruit will grow on its own... naturally. You don't aim for the fruit... the fruit is just the sign of life.... that the Spirit-tree is growing inside you... go for the tree. I guess this one was particularly memorable. I heard it mentioned a few times.

Speaking of trees... the prayer tree! I'd just mentioned it briefly to Natalie and she went and made a prayer tree! It's so amazing to see an idea come to fruition... as something tangible. And then to see people use it! That they were praying for each other... and each tally mark showed that they were being prayed for! I hope these leaves turn into praises as the prayers are answered.

And the Thot Spots... they were so so cute! I gave her the questions, showed her a picture of something I'd made before in the past and Natalie created these beautiful little booklets of response/application questions for the women to write down their thoughts. Even to see people go through the questions... the questions are ones that I ask myself everyday. It's so exciting to see people thinking about these questions... writing their answers... and someone even shared with me. I was the person they wanted to tell about their thoughts! My heart was bursting to see people use these tools. Joy. Utter joy.

And the questions. I got asked a lot of questions. One girl was so cute... she asked if it was OK to ask me a question... and then she said... man, it's like I'm asking you out on a date... LOL. So so cute. :) On Saturday night, I felt like there open seats around me and every now and then someone would come sit in it, ask a question, more people would come, some would go away... more would come. I'm so thankful that they found me so accessible and not intimidating or scary like how I'd grown accustomed to being treated most of my life. And I love the questions. I love the hearts from which these questions arose. I love the silly questions, I love the curiosity... I love hearing how they yearn for healing, they yearn for wisdom, they yearn for God and to know more and more about Him. This is beauteous.

I love the questions. Keep on asking. Ask me, ask each other... ask God. Ask it of God who gives freely... just don't doubt Him. That's from James, I'm pretty sure.

Man, I wish I had the time this weekend to talk to everyone. I'm so yearning to pick up the conversations that I started... I want to hear about your stories... I want to hear about how God's answered your prayers... how God spoke to you... what it means to you and your life... I want to hear how your situations went... let's talk about boys, about being control freaks, about google documents and nazi accountability, about the future, about husbands, about submission, about Kentucky, about food, about farting and roughage, about jobs and being housewives, about weddings, about HSM and Twilight (but I'd much rather talk about HP instead)... let's talk about anything! I'm tired of talking... I want to listen... I want to hear your thoughts!

I came home utterly exhausted. I took a nap in my lovely cloud of a bed. I woke up groggy and I was a little bit sad. I miss my new friends. I even miss the sound of your chatter and laughter which kept me up at night. I couldn't imagine a better way to spend my Valentine's weekend... it was so, so loverly. Thank you. :) Hope to catch up with you all soon...

Day 198 - refresher

I had a rough night last night. So much was weighing on my heart, mind, and body... I wasn't used to it. I really missed Anderson... so much so that I went and watched his videos again just to see him and hear him. I cry all the time, but last night I cried harder than I'd cried in a long, long time. It wasn't so much that my heart was aching with longing... but that it was breaking from the realization that I was falling in love with my husband all over again.

I've gotten so used to living without him. I definitely miss him all the time, everyday, but my life has changed so drastically... and has moved in a different direction and all the love I used to pour into him is now being poured out onto other people around me. Life has definitely changed. A lot.

So I went and found that folder on his desktop labeled "for tiff" and I watched the 3 videos he recorded for me the day before our wedding (January 9, 2009). His love for me and his excitement really showed in his voice and on his face. There were also a few other documents in the folder: his journal, another document written especially for me, and another document full of things he'd copy and pasted from my emails to him. I'd tried reading his journal one other time before and I couldn't get very far that time. Yesterday, I tried again. This time, I read all the way through.

I think I started to understand why some of you still read my writing. I used to wonder why it was even interesting to any of you... especially since almost all my blogs are SO DARN LONG. Especially people who don't even know me... I just didn't really get it. When something doesn't apply to me, it usually doesn't hold very much interest for me. After reading through his journals... I saw how even though I lived right alongside with him... his thoughts, his struggles, his viewpoints were completely different from mine. It was like seeing life through his eyes and it was... enlightening, encouraging, heartbreaking, and yet... lovely. It was like discovering a side of him that I never knew... and discovering it last night... I fell in love with him all over again. He wrote things in his journal that he never told me. He wrote about his feelings... he wrote about his faith... about God... and he always made it a point to write about how much he loved and appreciated me. I always knew that he did but somehow... maybe... I don't know... it hit me yesterday with so much impact... like he was telling me for the first time that he loved me.

By the way... something he was kind of embarrassed about... but I always made fun of him... for saying "I love you" first... just 2 weeks after we'd started dating. It totally took me by surprise. He barely knew me... or so I thought. Somewhere in his writing... he wrote that so many people misunderstood me... but it didn't matter because he understood me and he saw my heart. I really miss that.

Mostly what hit me was how much he'd grown spiritually. His faith... he never really talked about it. All I saw on the outside was frustration... but his writing revealed to me that he really did understand... he did love God... he did have so much peace... a peace that I did not have at that time. He said in his journal... and he's said it to me many times that he was the one most prepared out of his entire family to "take one for the team". God had been preparing him and his character long before brain cancer ever started to plague his life. He really was the best man I've ever known. I'm so thankful and blessed to have known him, to have married him, to have been sanctified by him, and to continually be encouraged and strengthened by his example of love... for God... for me... and for his family.

I can't believe that he never wrote more. I have never read any essays he'd written. He's written me little notes here and there... but man... some of the stuff he wrote in his journal... I really got a glimpse inside his head and in his heart... I wish he'd taken the time to write more. Here's some excerpts that really moved me:

May 11, 2008, Sunday:
Sitting next to Tiff & being close to her is something I can do anytime any day all day. Doesn't matter what it is, sitting at church service or through a 10-hour lecture about the most boring thing in the world, if Tiff's there and I can hold hands with her and stare at her... I'm game. She calms my heart, her heart talks to mine when we're connected and we don't have to say a word.

June 6, 2008:
I was pretty excited to shop for rings. It's something I know that tiff has been waiting a long time for and something that I really really want her to have from me. i really want to marry her and have kids and raise them our way and see their kids grow up too. i want to grow old with tiff, i think we'd make ...... no, I KNOW we'll make a great couple even when we're old and wrinkly. I know i will still love her like i did our first few dates in irvine. I can't wait to marry tiff.

June 15, 2008:
to Tiff: the love of my life. My wish is to marry you. to have kids and own a home with you. remember, home is where the heart is. a house is just a building. i want to raise our kids like us. a little bit of you and a little bit of me. i know we are going to do great. you're the most amazing person i've ever met. and dont think that because you're my one and only, that I haven't seen whats out there. I know whats out there and nothing is as pretty as you. your heart beats for me and I can hear it. I hope you can hear my heart that beats for you as well. either that or you can check my pulses.

July 15, 2008:
tiff, God couldn't have matched us up any better. He knew i would get sick, so he brought me a nurse, a beautiful one at that. this is whats important to me. mom, dad kelly bk and tiff. my beautiful family and wife. this is whats been important to me since the beginning. although no one should go through this, the ONE positive outcome of having a disease is that the dirty worldly filter that covers your eyes are lifted and taken away so you can clearly see whats priority, whats important, what love is. For me, i see exactly that and i'm glad that this filter has been lifted off my eyes. family and tiff, don't cry too much... im ok. really. don't cry ok. cuz im right here next to you guys... watching over you always. im going to take care of you. im going to ask God to do the right things for us so you can all live long and happy lives. it is my duty to make sure someone is ok, and i'll take one for the team and do this for all of us. im probably the best one for the job so thats why God is choosing me. on the other hand, if he doesnt choose me, then thats ok too. just know that im ok. i am at peace. i am OVERLY satisfied with my SO blessed life because of you guys. i love you.

July 26, 2008:
for the record: i just want to state that if anything happens to me during or after my surgery this coming thursday, know that I am 100% content with what i have. with what i have experienced and for everyone that's involved in my life. i am full, as you would say it if you were at a restaurant... well, "i am stuffed" in matters of life. thank you to all.

May 12, 2008, Monday:
Personally, I'm scared about the future, but I have faith I will be with Tiffany forever. Tiff, if you're reading this, know that if I'm not physically here anymore, doesn't mean I'm not with you. I will always watch over you no matter what so always feel secure. Always feel loved. Always smile. Reminds me of my senior quote: "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss

Ok well, there's a whole lot more good stuff but... I figure I'll stop copy and pasting now.

Anderson Chen was a remarkable man. He was so full of love. I'm glad he left this remnant of his thoughts for me to find and I'm glad I got the chance to be refreshed by his love once again.

Day 193 - Undeserving & Enslavement

Thank you. :) Thank you all SO much. Thank you for the birthday wishes, for the prayers, for the thoughts, for the hugs, for the gifts, the facebook messages, emails, texts, cupcakes... most of all, thank you for being my friends and family. I wish I could emotionally transfer what I'm feeling to you because the words just don't seem to be enough. If only Vulcan mind melds were real... and if only I were a Vulcan who could use it.

I am so undeserving of the lavish outpouring of love I've received lately. Speechless.

A lot of people asked me what I wanted this year. I... honestly don't know. I have everything I need and pretty much everything I could even want. My heart is full, life is beautiful and you all are part of that beauty.

I've had this quote in my head recently... I've blogged about it before... a while ago.

If I see God in everything, He will calm and color everything I see. -Hannah Whitall Smith

I've been thinking about contentment lately... about what it means to be content... to have peace... to be filled to the point where you're no longer yearning for something you don't have. Do you reach that point when you have everything you want? Or do you reach that point when you just stop yearning for it?

I guess it depends on what you want. What do you really want? And what would you be willing to give up in order to get it?

You know the difference between your whole being pulsating with energy & freshness of God's divine life or feeling worn out & weary. -Dr. Pardington

I had a thought on Sunday... about contentment... let's see if I can put it into words.

Discontentment... can be the driving force to push someone to strive after and pursue things they have not yet obtained. Discontentment can also be a negative force, driving people into depression/jealousy as they focus on what they do not have. I don't know if there's another way to go with this... as of right now, I can only think of these two ways to respond to discontent.

I think that when you love someone or something, discontentment with the status quo naturally follows. The stronger you love someone or something, the stronger you feel the drive to have more and more of that person or that thing. To love with a passion... it rouses hearts, stirs to life... passionate love drives people to do crazy things.

So how does it usually play out? We are all living in this world... it is very easy to love the things of this world and there are plenty of good things to love... and plenty of bad things too. But for those of us who have God in our lives... God's Word tells us that we cannot love both the things of this world AND love God. They are incompatible. Loving the things of this world and loving God are negatively correlated. As one increases, the other decreases. And whatever we love... we become enslaved to.

K... this is something I wrote a while ago in my journal. It's on the topic of enslavement. I hesitated in posting this. But hey, maybe it'll be a good one to spark discussion. Here goes:

We never think of ourselves as enslaved. This is America. Land of the free. Equal opportunity. We'd say, we are slaves of no one. The Pharisees also said that in John 8:33.

And yet we are enslaved. We are all enslaved. Either we're enslaved to God, or we are enslaved to the world and the ruler of this world is the devil. Anything that pulls us away from God is an idol. I don't know how you feel about that. Offended? I'm open to discussing your thoughts.

OK so let me go on about enslavement in my own life. From my own experiences, I've been enslaved... to many things: to pride, to past hurts & baggage, to bitterness, to fear, to lust, to boyfriends, to school, to achievements... anything that was/is an idol in my life I was enslaved to. And what proof is there that I was enslaved? Let's take for example... pride. When pride keeps me from doing something or apologizing when I know I need to... I'm enslaved to pride because my pride is dictating my actions. I am no longer choosing... the pride is choosing for me. On bitterness... being enslaved to bitterness is a particularly nasty one. It affected my whole being. Listen to these thoughts:

I CANNOT love this person because I deserve to be treated with respect and they're not treating me the way I want them to treat me. I CANNOT let it go! If you only knew what they said to me, you'd agree! I CAN'T even look them in the face. I CAN'T be in the same room with them. I can't, I can't, I can't. Really? I CAN'T?!? Sounds like something's dictating my actions and it's not me anymore. Enslaved.

And you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

What truth? The truth... of the gospel, the good news that Jesus Christ came to save us from enslavement to sin, to free us from the enslavement inherent in us, through the cleansing power of His blood. When Jesus Christ resurrected, He conquered death. Death is the punishment for sin, and in that conquering, He gave us all the hope that we, too, can conquer death and sin if we would only accept that gift of salvation by believing that He is God and that He did what He did on the cross. To acknowledge and believe that He is God, that He is Lord of all and what He did on the cross & 3 days later is to put ourselves in the proper place, the way God paved for us and meant for it to be... so that He can be with us... His beloved creation.

Regardless of whether or not you believe He is Lord and ruler over all, He is. He's always been and He will always be. To be enslaved to God... you think it sounds like a bad thing, right? It's only because slavery has such negative connotations because being enslaved to sinful men/people or sin... results in misery and sadness because people are selfish and giving power to sinful, selfish people is just... not a good thing. Being enslaved to a master who is holy, who is good to the absolute meaning of good, in whom there is no darkness, no selfishness, no ulterior motive, nothing of this world... it's all good. He ALWAYS wants good for us, not evil.

Lots of people quote Jeremiah 29:11, but I think the surrounding verses are really powerful too.

¹⁰ This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity.

Enslavement to God, a sinless God, is freedom. Freedom from sin, freedom from emptiness, freedom from frustration and freedom from discontentment in this world. In Him is freedom and JOY. Life, and life abundantly.

The fulfilled life, a life of joy & purpose, with peace that surpasses understanding... lies in being enslaved to the only One who will not disappoint. He will never leave us, He will never forget us, He will never cease to protect us, He will never stop loving us. And He will never tell us to do something horrible. He is ALL good. Everything that comes from Him is good.

This is the blessed life-not anxious to see far down the road nor overly concerned about the next step, not eager to choose the path nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but quietly following the Shepherd, one step at a time. -Streams in the Desert, Jan. 14

K. I don't know how to end this so I'll just stop typing now. Thoughts? Comments?

Day 189 - answered prayers

I really wanted to update you all yesterday, but I wasn't at liberty to quite yet. Now that I am, I'm feeling so exhausted that I don't know if I'll be able to write the way I want to. In fact, I know I won't be able to. My brain is fried.

I wanted to thank you all SO MUCH for praying for me and for encouraging me! I've been so touched by your words, by your kindness, by your acts of love for me. Seriously... I'm so encouraged. :) Thank you.

I was vacuuming today. I hardly vacuum. Anderson would vacuum all the time. He'd always get on my case for not vacuuming my room. Every time I'd vacuum, I'd tell him that I'm only doing this for you. He'd say "FOR me?" as if I was buying myself a BMW and telling him that it was for him... but seriously...I vacuumed for him... to make him feel more comfortable in my room... because I knew he'd like it.

So I was vacuuming here and there... and I was thinking to myself... wow... I have a job. He always told me that I could go to work and he could stay home and watch the kids. I told him in my mind that I could be his sugar momma now. If only he were still around to do the vacuuming.

So yes, I only wrote a one-liner at the bottom of my last post about my interview yesterday... but God answered. He answered above and beyond what I'd asked for myself.

Almost a week ago, I was thinking to myself... that I didn't have anyone to talk to. I was thinking how rare it was to have a really interesting conversation or even a deep one. I don't know why I was feeling that way. I wasn't even depressed or sad or anything... I was just thinking that I didn't have anyone to talk to. And somehow... God decided to POUR His love out onto me to remind me that I have SO many people to talk to and SO many deep and worthwhile conversations to have with people. I didn't even ask. One after another, by phone, by text, by email, by gchat... God blessed me with wonderful conversations with people I hadn't talked to in a while. Yesterday night I was up late chatting with a friend and this particular conversation left me so giddy that I could not keep from smiling and laughing to myself as I took my shower and got ready for bed. I love how God loves me. I love how He uses His Word, circumstances and the people all around me to show me in such a powerful way that He loves me.

I will never doubt again. -Buttercup from The Princess Bride

OK. I'm beyond exhausted. In case you're not on facebook, I received and accepted an official offer for a new grad position on the telemetry/oncology (heart monitoring and cancer patients) floor at Anaheim Regional Medical Center. :) Orientation is the last week of February and I start work the first week of March. I also have a lot of really great friends whom I love very dearly.

One quickie that I wanted to share. OK maybe a few quickies. I don't even know if anything I say could ever be called a "quickie" but let me try.

The interview yesterday went quite well. I was next to dead last to be interviewed... maybe that worked in my favor... not sure. It certainly gave me a lot of time to sit and wait. I tried to go over scenarios with the people at my table. I dunno. They all just seemed to want to freak out and complain about the wait. Maybe they were too nervous to go over what you would do for a CHF (congestive heart failure) patient or a stroke patient or what drugs you'd give for this or that. Whatever. I was sitting there. I was hot and cold at the same time. Pits were sweaty. Not a great feeling but I was handling it.

Prior to the interviews we had done a medical mystery luncheon. Fun and lucrative. :) My team won and we each were gifted with a pretty hefty sum. Anyway, early on, they'd introduced all the department managers and I remember thinking to myself... I really like that one... I hope I get to talk to her later. And just so happened that she was the one who interviewed me. She was impressed that I had used the typewriter function on Acrobat to fill out my employment application. Actually, I think that the manager on the night shift was sitting with us at our table so she wasn't allowed to interview us. It really was God who worked it out that I got interviewed by this particular woman. Wow this is not going to be a quickie, is it? OK I'll get to the point. She asked me about various points on my application. I had to explain my complicated schooling situation and also my leave of absence early in 2009. I made quick mention that my husband had brain cancer and that he passed last July. Right away she looked at me and told me that the tele floor is also an oncology floor. She asked me if I could handle taking care of oncology patients. I don't know how or why, but I started to tear up. Just really quickly. I've said before that when I start crying, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore... weird stuff just comes out of my mouth. Thankfully, none of the stuff that came out during the interview was horrid.

I told her that I actually really want to work with oncology patients. I told her that I had experienced what it felt like to be a caregiver, living with someone struggling with cancer. I know how frustrating it is with all the appointments, the anxiety after a scan or diagnostic test... everyone telling you that you should do this, try this, change your diet, change the way you do this do that... everyone's got a "secret" to curing cancer and it's all so overwhelming but you do anything and everything that you can "just in case" it'll help. I told her that I know how it is and I understand.

I also told her that there were two ways that I could handle the life circumstances that I'd been given. One way is to stuff it in and try to ignore it or wish it would go away, or I could go the other way which is to use my experiences to help people and I've chosen to help people.

Maybe crying is a good way to loosen me up. I dunno. I'm not sure what else I said during the interview that stuck with her. She said my explanation about the pathophys of CHF was the best she'd heard all day. Yeah, I don't know where that came from either. Hurst Review? God probably put it in my head. Not like I didn't stutter through it either, because I did. This whole thing was God's grace. No denying it.

Anyway, I'm really happy. :) I'm really excited too. Maybe I'll freak out a little too later on, but I think that's OK. Thank you for praying for me. Good night!

Day 187 - Pensieve & Prayer Request

I don't have too much time tonight but I wanted to get some thoughts out before I forget.

For some reason, I've been having similar discussions lately with various different people. People either ask me or have asked other people whether or not I talk like I write. What's your opinion?

I find it rather amusing. If you ask me what I thought about it... I'd tell you that I don't talk like I write... I write much more fluidly and lucidly than I speak... AND I use bigger words when I write... but as far as content goes, if you talked to me on the day of a blog post, chances are you might have already heard what I was going to write about.

I had a thought this morning that my blog is like my pensieve. For the Harry Potter fans out there, you're probably already familiar with it but for those of you who haven't read about a pensieve, I'll just briefly explain what it is. Professor Dumbledore has a pensieve in his office. He touches his wand to his temple, he "pulls" out a "thought" and then transfers it into a basin of some swirly magical fluid. Someone else can then stick their head into the basin and be immersed in someone else's memories. When I write in here, I'm pulling out a series of thoughts which flow directly from my brain, through my fingers and onto the screen and when the thought's done, I stop. It is some kind of magic that my thoughts poured out this way are cohesive and comprehensible. I rarely edit before I press "publish post". I probably should though. Sometimes I find typos when I read it again the next day. Anyway, so these posts are my pensieve... and as you read, it's like I'm allowing all of you to stick your head in my pensieve and experience a memory, a thought, or a piece of my and Anderson's life together.

Anderson took a picture of me once... reading Harry Potter. He printed it out with a little caption underneath it, "The Happiest Reader I Know". I wish I had that pic to share with you. It was on his bulletin board in his room. Anyway...

Today, I wanted to use this blog post in a way that I haven't utilized this form of communication in a while... I want to ask for your prayers for me. If you've only read posts from this blog, you might not know that this blog evolved from a series of prayer request emails that I started sending people back when we first moved to Houston for Anderson's treatment. The prayer request emails turned into update emails... the updates evolved to include my thoughts on life, on what God was teaching me... and this blog is a continuation of what God's continuing to teach me in the aftermath of my husband's passing.

I need your prayers. Why? Because... I'm freaking out. LOL.

A lot has happened in the past two weeks. The door closed for the job in Torrance, but a few more opened immediately afterwards. And I refrained from posting about this for a while because I didn't want it to seem like I was being prideful or bragging. Truth is, it freaks me out just as much as it excites me. Have I kept you in suspense long enough? OK, enough with the preamble, I'll just try to get to the point.

I was asked to be the speaker at the women's retreat for Harvest San Diego during the weekend of February 12-14 and I was also asked to write an article/testimony for Inheritance Magazine. I agreed to do both. I took a step back and looked at what I had agreed to do and I somehow... I cannot believe that I got asked to do these two things. Who am I? Who am I to be speaking at a women's retreat or writing for a magazine? Why me?

For the people with whom I've shared these upcoming events... I've mostly received a lot of excitement and encouragement at these opportunities. I'm excited too. Actually, I go through waves. Waves of feeling really really excited... and waves of feeling really freaked out and inadequate. Multiple times a day. I wonder if people are ever surprised to hear that I'm doing these things. They probably wouldn't tell me to my face. Anyway, babbling again.

During my waves of freaking out, a lot of thoughts go through my mind. Mostly thoughts that I'm not good enough, what if people think I'm boring, what if they don't like me, what if I get there and have nothing to say, what if I don't make sense, what if I put people to sleep, what if they hate me? I really need your prayer for this. Even writing about it is almost making me cry.

God is always faithful and God is always encouraging me. During one of my most potent freakouts, I had decided to read my Bible segment for that day. It was a series of chapters about God's call to Moses from the burning bush from Exodus 3-4. In reading about Moses's encounter with God, I heard myself and my own fears... and just as God spoke Moses, God also spoke to me. God told Moses exactly what to say. Moses kept making excuses. What if they don't listen to me? I'm not eloquent. SEND SOMEONE ELSE! God reminds Moses of His power. When Job asked God WHY... God responded by reminding Him of His power and His sovereignty. I can't use my own weaknesses as my excuse to not do what God tells me. God is the God who created me, who created words, who created thoughts, who created EVERYTHING. He has the power to have His words flow through me even if my mouth is incapable of speaking them... He's just asking that I do my part by being willing and obedient to do what He tells me to do and go where He tells me to go.

And it's not like I haven't been prepared beforehand. The commentary on this particular set of chapters said that Moses' time in the palace and the time spent in humility in the wilderness as a shepherd was necessary to prepare Moses for what God was about to do through him. All my life was meant to prepare me for what God is about to do through me too. And God's not asking me to go to the ruler of the greatest country of the day to ask an unreasonable request... He's just asking me to go share... go share what I've done in your life... go share what I've opened your eyes to see... what I've opened your heart to experience. The message is not my own, it is God's and it is only by His grace that I've experienced enough to share about it... and only by His grace that other people have asked me to bless more people by sharing my story. It is all His. How can I refuse to give and use what's already His just because I'm afraid?

That being said... I need help. I need your help. I need your prayer and your support. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed... like I'm sinking... and I forget momentarily that I was walking on water because I get scared of the wind.

And seriously... I keep hearing this song in my head...

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

So... yeah. :) That's all. I'm tired. Have an interview tomorrow too. Or later this afternoon. I'll let you know how it goes. Night!