heart, head, hands

Wow.  So it's been over a month since I've last updated you all.  Sorry for the delay.  

I've been taking a class which requires me to introspect a LOT and write papers at least weekly... between that, group work, mountains of reading, and keeping up with friends... I haven't had much energy to blog.  I fell asleep while doing situps one time this past month.  I have not developed acute narcolepsy... I think I'm just tired.  

I also don't drink coffee and I've stopped drinking tea.  I've never been a coffee drinker and the tea I've stopped a while ago.  I sleep to stay awake.  If I'm tired... that tells me...to sleep more, not drink more coffee.  Somehow, everything always gets done.  Miraculously more often than not, especially when it comes to my papers.  

So... a few major updates.  

I interviewed for an ICU position on August 1st.  I blogged about it (reference: work stuff, August 22, 2011).  I am FINALLY starting my ICU training next week.  My director wanted me to transfer to COU (the Cardiac Observation Unit) first and then move to the ICU.  COU and ICU are run by the same director.  A lot of the nurses float between the two units often.  I don't know if it'll help that I did it that way, but I've definitely tried to make the most out of my waiting time on COU.  And the acuity of the patients is a little higher.  I've had more codes and/or rapid responses in the 3 months I've been on COU than I had in 1.5 years working on telemetry on Tower 2.  Might have been luck of the draw for my patient assignments though... or maybe it was God training me not to freak out as much when a patient is crashing.  

new bling for a new badge

So I've been in a state of flux since I interviewed for ICU (about 4 months).  Communication had been really bad with regards to letting me know what was going on.  I didn't even hear directly from my director that I even got an ICU position.  My director told my friend who told me.  I didn't know if I was going to start on COU days or nights, I didn't know when I was going to transfer to ICU... I've just been... going with the flow... and just flowing wherever someone tells me.  I think that ordinarily or maybe even in the past, this would have really upset me... but I kinda just take it nowadays as... slightly frustrating, however... it makes me feel a little bit more like the Israelites sojourning all over the place.  Maybe like Abe too.  God called him to move away from his homeland on just a promise... and by faith he left.  My situation is nowhere near as crazy as Abraham's but... it's how it kinda feels sometimes. 

I was told (at the most absolute last minute possible) that my first night on COU would be right in the middle of a 4-shift work week for me.  So I worked 2 nights on Tower 2 and then my 3rd and 4th nights on COU.  When I work like that, I don't do anything in between except sleep.  You know... that is exactly the situation that God arranged for me during my ICU interview too.  I had absolutely no time to prep.  I just had to wing it and attribute my survival to God's grace alone.  So I woke up and got ready for work before that 3rd shift and as I was driving... I realized that...I needed to park in a different place than I've been parking for the past few years...that it was going to get a lot harder to see my co-worker/friends... and that my entire "life" at work would be changing and I wasn't ready yet.  I started to cry in the car.  I thought I could handle it by the time I got to the floor but... no.  I was still crying.  Good thing my friend was there on her first day on COU too.  She held my hand and prayed for me in the hallway.  I found out that they weren't even ready for me to work that night either which made me feel even less wanted at a place I didn't even want to be.  Not to mention that I never got a proper orientation to the floor.  They let me work with another nurse that day but she either didn't know how to handle a crying nurse or she was just horrible at orienting a new person on the floor, but she taught me absolutely nothing about where things were or how things were done.  I just had to figure it out myself.  And I was incredibly frustrated.  My confidence was shaken.  I was acting like a new nurse who didn't know anything, had no common sense, no priority-setting ability or foresight...I was HORRIBLE.  I'm glad I didn't kill anyone that night.  It rocked my world though.  I was so comfortable on Tower 2.  Throwing me into COU with no orientation period... without me being mentally prepared... I felt like all my years of experience had been wiped away and I was starting at square one again.  I wonder if that's what Abe or the Israelites felt whenever they had to pick up and move again.  I had to build my tents all over again... make new friends... learn the ways they do things there... remember new phone numbers, new door codes... not knowing where things are, having to rely on others for every single little thing I need... it's just a little bit stressful.  There were nights where no one talked to me.  I began to miss the sound of my own voice, believe it or not.  It was lonely. 

But I adapted.  I figured it out.  God also found ways to encourage me through the roughness of the transition.  For example, for the two times I actually had to code patients, one of my favorite co-workers was there with me and she helped me SO MUCH while I was running around trying to either get work done, care for my other patients, or scramble to get through.  I also rarely work with her.  I heard that she told someone else, "I don't know how Tiffany comes to work every day with all her unstable, coding patients".  When we were switching mattresses on one of her patients (on another day...not when my patients were coding), the mattress guy asked the two of us if we were new nurses.  She said, "yes" and I said, "define what you mean by 'new'?" and she said, "oh you're not new...you're too good."  I laughed.  But it was encouraging.  At least one person thinks that I'm competent on this floor.  

I was able to go to an awards ceremony for my friend/colleague at our hospital last month.  We started working as RNs at the same time.  I met her in new grad class.  While they were talking about her and as I heard her story, I realized how blessed I am to be working at my hospital.  She's been working on COU for a long time.  She volunteered at the hospital before nursing school, she was a unit secretary, and then a RN.  I was pondering how she was like a flower seed and our unit was like fertile soil.  Lots of things can grow in fertile soil, but she really took to the soil and grew into something magnificent.  And she's not done yet.  She's at the beginning of her career, just like me.  

My hospital isn't the best place to work if you look at it on paper.  There are plenty of other places that pay more, have better benefits, have pension, have better equipment, more compensation and incentives for education and certifications... and maybe I would have taken to that soil just as well... but I'm grateful for the soil I landed on.  I'm grateful for the location and the timing as well.  

I can't really tell if I would have been OK anywhere or if this place in particular has just worked out super well for me... but maybe it's both.  Maybe God knew that this would be the perfect place to plant me... that the combination of nutrients and deficits would be perfect to grow me and also challenge me.  As far as school stuff and work stuff... personal stuff... I see how all of it has intertwined and one thing supports the other, which supports the other... I cannot deny that God, the master planner, has arranged it all to take amazing care of me.  

I was talking with my friend the other day and she was commenting on how well God takes care of me.  I totally agreed.  It seems like... God just... turns the dirt under my feet into gold as I step on it.  Even if it seems like dirt in the beginning... it's all a golden experience... whether to learn by or to grow by or to simply enjoy the beauty of.  Everything just... works out.  Even if it seems problematic... it all somehow works itself out and I never had to worry.

And you know what?  My waiting period on COU... has been good for me... but the timing of my orientation on ICU is also very... timely.  Sorry.  Couldn't think of another word.  So last year I had to work all 3 winter holidays... I've also worked every single mother's day and father's day... I always miss everyone's birthday party... even my own parents' because I've had to work.  So this year... because I'll be orienting through Christmas and New Year's... I WON'T HAVE TO WORK EITHER HOLIDAY.  I did work Thanksgiving and black friday this year but still.  I was bursting-out-of-my-skin excited when they told me that they don't orient over holidays.  It's cuz they pay time and a half for holidays and it would be financially unwise to pay two nurses time and a half to take care of the same amount of patients.  SUPER SWEET.  Merry Christmas to me... and a happy new year too!  I'll actually get a chance to spend time with family on the actual day of the holiday!  

I know this is getting pretty long but there was one more thing I wanted to update about.  I don't know if you remember from this blog post (reference: Purple Flowers, September 16, 2011) where I had the opportunity to present in front of the nursing managers about one of my school assignments?  Well, because of that, I got asked to present again in front of the ancillary managers at my hospital (the non-nursing directors) and it happened... this morning.  It's also pretty "funny" or possibly providential that in the class I'm taking right now, this week's discussion topic was on "how to engage your stakeholders".  Everything I've been reading about for this class has been on leadership, character, systems, motivation, innovation, etc. etc.  It's pretty amazing that I get a chance to put into practice precisely what I'm learning at this very moment.  See how all my "worlds" are colliding and how one helps support the other?  

Everything I write about for school has been about either my nursing experience on the floor or my experience caring for Anderson and being on the "other" side of care at the hospital.  My entire dissertation is based on it.  I get to do my clinical dissertation at the hospital where I work.  I'm attending all these meetings with executives and all that... and I also get to work on the floor so I get to see a little bit of the boardroom and the bedside and the disconnect that goes on between them.  Not to mention that nursing challenges me to grow in my weaknesses... it gives me opportunities to present in front of strangers... to interact with directors, executives... outside my comfort zone... to network... and do all kinds of crazy things that I never would have if I weren't being asked to write about it for assignments for school.  I'm super glad that I don't have to just write about it in theory... I get to think about how it applies to my clinical setting and then I have the opportunity to DO IT.  

I know I've probably posted this before... but it's one of my favorite nursing quotes...

the beauty of nursing is the combination of your heart, your head and your hands and where you separate them, you diminish them - Virginia Henderson

Even in thinking about my degrees... biology, public health... nursing is like the melding of the two.  I get to utilize everything... nothing has been wasted no matter how much time I spent hopping from one degree to another.  

Anyway... so I've been going through a Bible reading plan on wisdom.  It's made me ponder God's wisdom... His leadership... also in light of the world's writing on leadership which I've been reading about for my class.  It's so funny how my professor picked this book for us to read called the "21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader" by Maxwell.  I'm pretty sure he's a Christian author.  All of the indispensable qualities... can be found rooted in the Word of God.  And for all the other readings... about transformational leadership... about Theory U... about how to engage your stakeholders... how to work together... about the "faces" or personalities which make up an innovation team... I totally laugh to myself as I realize that... Christ is the ULTIMATE leader and innovator.  He totally thinks outside the box.  He knew exactly how to engage His audience.  He respected and listened to His team... He even knew how to answer and how to quiet all the opposing arguments that people intentionally threw at Him.  He talked to us about how much the heart matters far more than anything else.  So.  I somehow feel like I have a headstart.  I'm already striving to be more like Christ... and because my foundation is on the Rock... no matter how hard life or school or anything else hits me...I'll be OK. 

Anyway... so back to my original point about the presentation... I thought I would be more nervous.  I was such a wreck before the first presentation... I cried through the entire thing.  I didn't really want to cry through this one.  I also had time to make a PowerPoint presentation.  A lot of my school presentations are done in a style which is quite different than any other style I've ever presented with.  They also have us watch a lot of TED talks.  So we were assigned to read these books by Duarte on effective presentations since our very first semester.  I have a feeling, they can tell who's read them and who hasn't... and also who applies what they've been reading and who hasn't because... it's way obvious in the amount of TEXT people put on their slides... myself included.  I never touched those books.  I did watch one talk about presentations and it pretty much changed the way I thought about presentations... that and a feedback comment by my professor letting me know to move away from the text (which I thought was pretty minimal) and focus more on the content of what I'm trying to say.  I kinda wished that I had read those books earlier.  It was so obvious that I hadn't.  I'm sure our professors chuckle or maybe even get frustrated as they try to get us to present more effectively but we still present the same old boring way.  So... I decided to try it out with this presentation.  It's actually kind of hard to find pictures which visually display the points you're trying to make.  I felt like it took me 10x longer to make this PowerPoint than any other I've made.  It also forced me to practice, practice, practice because I couldn't just read off the slide anymore.  Aye yai yai, this whole thing was stretching me in new ways... but I'm glad I got through it.

Because I actually practiced, I was able to just talk for the majority of my presentation.  Because I was talking to them and LOOKING at my audience... I was able to see them nod... and see them engaged in what I had to say.  I heard people "awww" when I put up our wedding pictures and I actually saw people with tears in their eyes when the showed them the picture of me and Anderson with him intubated in the ICU.  After I was done... I heard someone say, "excellent".  :)  Quite a few people came up to hug me too.  My presentation also spurred someone else to share a quote that touched their heart because she said that my presentation reminded her of it.  Someone else said that it was the best thing they've heard in a long time.  Someone even walked (out of their way) with me as I went to my unit so that he could talk to me and get to know me better.  Someone gave me their card and asked for my slides.  I honestly didn't know if ppl wanted these slides because all they were were pictures... but sure, why not.  Here are a few of my slides:

Purpose: ppl are more than meets the eye. you don't need to know their story to know they have one.

Purpose: Intro Anderson, emotional connection, make a stark contrast between the beginning of our marriage and the end.

Purpose: build emotional connection, build credibility.

Purpose: comparison of our experiences at UCLA and MD Anderson.  I couldn't decide if I should have one side weigh more and have that be better or worse...

Purpose: integrate concepts from different disciplines. Explain things in different ways to help reinforce understanding. Jewish prayers prayed with intentionality and direction of the heart keep the meaning when prayers are repetitive.  Work is repetitive.  How do we keep it fresh; how do we instill meaning into the things we do day in and day out? Intention and direction... towards our patients.

Purpose: the heart makes the difference.  Two ppl can do the exact same things, but one has the right heart and the other doesn't. The one with the right heart does a better job.  There is joy in it.  Remind you of doing things out of love and doing things out of obligation?  Legalism?  LOL.

Anyway... so it went really well.  I think I did an adequate job of engaging my stakeholders this time around and introducing myself... introducing my dissertation topic... building my "street cred" or... my character... or reputation.  There's really no cool way to say that, is there? 

The pharmacy director told me, "we need you on days!".  My CNO said, "we need her everywhere!".  Someone told me they were so sorry for my loss.  I said, "it's ok.  I'm making lemonade".  She said, "you sure are."  

So who knows if I would have had anything to talk about at all if Anderson never happened in my life... if I never started a doctoral program... if I never began work at this hospital in particular.  OK.  I guess it's been a pretty long post.  I guess that's what I get for not updating in over a month. 

Most memorable comment made after the presentation: You've got a lotta heart, baby. 

:D  God... you done good stuff in and through me.  And I'm not done living yet.  If God could take widowdom and brain cancer and turn it into this... I'm sure there's plenty more good stuff to come. 

Until next time...

<3,
Tiff

Plumeria

Warning.  This is not going to be a stellar post.  It's probably going to be long, confusing, and boring.  If you're OK with that... read on, by all means.  

Some days I wake up and try to decide what kind of flower I feel like that day.  Some days I wake up and decide what color I feel like... and then I choose my colored scrubs accordingly.  I was daydreaming a little yesterday... wondering what kind of flower I felt like... and I think I might have felt like a Plumeria.  Mild, but pleasing, tropical fragrance... plain... simple... color a little bit washed out but still there... delicate... and most of all... easily bruised.

I've been a little bit emotional lately.  It's finals week right now for me and I haven't been able to focus on my finals.  Mostly kind of riding the waves day to day.  I'm hoping that by blogging out some thoughts I'll be able to purge and then focus will return. 

I can't remember when it was... but I can recall one time that I felt so irrationally hurt by something that shouldn't have impacted me so much... was the day when I was chit chatting with someone I had just met... and I'm not sure why it was said... but this person said, "oh, you were only married six months? so it's like you weren't married at all!"  I don't think I got angry at the moment.  But I did get angry.  How dare anyone belittle my six months of marriage.  How dare you judge me by the length of time I was married.  I highly doubt this person even remembers my name.  I don't remember their name either but I remember their face.  I'm not angry about it anymore but I do remember what was said and how it made me feel. My heart sinks a little bit when I am reminded of that day. 

So I had a recent bout of perplexing emotions surrounding what should have been a fairly inert recounting of events.  I won't really go into the details but I was taken aback... almost floored even... by the realization that... my widowdom... is not seen by everyone as a good thing... it's actually kind of a negative characteristic usually.   And I'm speaking in the context of my singleness and "viability" on the market, to be crude about it. 

I know it kinda sounds elementary.  And I'm not going to group it with other "red flags" like... hm... drug abuse... a criminal record... a history of gold digging?  Or I was talking to someone else recently who asked me if I considered someone's education or the degrees they've earned as part of their datability or "criteria".  I don't know why I never really thought about it.  Maybe it's time I did. 

The more I think about Anderson, the more I am amazed by him.  This man loved me.  Like seriously loved me.  I really don't think I was that lovable when he met me... like 8 years ago.  I still may not be that lovable but I think I might have mellowed out a bit since then.  I tolerate myself a lot better nowadays.  Dunno about you.  But... I seriously lucked out with Anderson.  OK it wasn't luck.  It was God's sovereignty.  I was his first and last girlfriend.  Everything we did together, every adventure we had... I knew it was special to him because it was the first time he'd ever done any of it.  I was his first everything... and I was the wife he chose to stick with him to the end.  Oh how I wish that he could have been my first everything too.  But sadly... by the time I met him, there had already been a few before.  He never made me feel bad about them, but I know he struggled with it.  He mentioned once or twice about anger and jealousy... but he never took it out on me.  I don't know what he did with it because I was an insanely jealous girlfriend.  He didn't have any exes but I somehow invented people to be jealous of because I was that crazy.  It took us years before we got past my jealousy.  And he was patient with me.  So very patient.  And I'm not exaggerating or idolizing him.  If you knew him at all, you'd know that he was remarkably patient, level-headed, and usually very calm.  I was always the crazy one. 

Did I tell you guys that I started going to grief group?  About a month ago, I started going.  It's been nice.  Cathartic.  A lovely time.  It's a beautiful ministry.  And I think this Tuesday night will be the last one I'll be able to attend for a while.  Because it will be my last one, I asked if it would be OK if I brought some pictures to show them.  I thought about what I would say.  I haven't come up with the specifics but the gist of it is... that Anderson Chen, his life intersecting with mine... and also his death... is overall, the best thing that ever happened to me. 

His impact on my life has been profound.  There is very little of me that has been left untouched by him.  My life now has been deeply impacted by him... my nursing, my schooling... even my dissertation topic.  There is a nursing theory called, "the nurse as the wounded healer".  There are many stages described by this theory, but the highest level you can reach... is transcendence.  After having confronted your loss... to be able to transcend it and use it to help others... that's what a wounded healer should aim to do/be.  I can't get through one single class in my doctoral program without somehow integrating those experiences I've had with Anderson while we were in Houston... living in hospitals... battling cancer together.  And I don't know if my classmates are sick of hearing it by now... but I wouldn't be surprised if they referred to me as Tiff, the widow nurse.  You know... I wonder... if all of this has been my training... if Anderson was God's most powerful training instrument.  It's prepared me for school... it's helped me at work... it's given me a lot of life experience and stories to tell... and not even the best part... I have now experienced God in ways I have never experienced before.  I understand more than I ever have.  I have experienced passion and love and joy that I can't say I have experienced before all of this happened.  Being chosen by God to be His daughter is definitely the best thing that's ever happened to me... and Him using Anderson to help me see Him... definitely the best thing ever.  I would go through it all again if it meant that I would gain a deeper understanding of God, His love, His grace... if being widowed once has colored my world so vibrant... I think I would be OK with doing it all over again if that's what it takes for me to gain a better understanding of God. 

I did tell someone recently that... sometimes people tend to spiral into their own thoughts and if they don't stay grounded in the Word or through other people... they kind of tend to lose their grip on reality... and then their own thoughts, no matter how ridiculous... become reality to them.  So maybe this is what happened to me.  I'm not saying that widowdom is all fun and games.  It is the most intense suffering I've experienced in my life.  Having my heart joined in unity with the love of my life and then to have it ripped out of my body, torn in half, and left for dead... that was not altogether the happiest moment of my life either.  But what came afterwards... as a result of God's love for me... picking me up, cradling me in His hands... and putting me back together again... was the most miraculous act of love and healing that I have ever experienced... and all of that is precious and valuable... to me.  Maybe not to anyone else.

I don't know if you remember that blog post... from August... when I was driving around crying and being tormented by the question, "who would want you?"... I feel like this past weekend was a follow-up to that encounter.  Not only did Jesus tell me that HE wants me... but He also very gently reminded me... that I am very special.  And I kinda mean that like... special ed and not "you're a pretty pretty princess" special.  It was humbling.  I am not the catch of the century.  Yeah.  Shocking, isn't it? (try to read some sarcasm if you can). 

After my shocking realization... and after a handful of amazing friends came to my emotional rescue... Jesus said to me... that I am a delicate flower... a Plumeria maybe... and that if there is a man that would be willing to carry that flower in his hand... that man would require special training... and a very special, unselfish heart. 

I was walking around with my cousin while we were shopping... and she was inspecting this purse that she possibly wanted to buy.  It had a scratch on it but it was the only one left.  We decided that she should just get it and then go to another store and see if she could find a better one.  It's different when you make the scratch after you've bought it.  No one really wants to choose a purse with a scratch already on it.  You choose to buy the perfect one.

My friend and I were having lunch and her water bottle label had a rip in it.  Mine didn't.  I looked at the ripped one and I saw... myself.  Two bottles on a shelf... one label ripped... one label intact.  Someone would probably choose the intact one even though the ripped label has no impact on the water inside the bottle.  I think God was reemphasizing the point for me... that it takes someone a little extraordinary who will choose the ripped bottle... who will buy the purse with the scratch... knowing that even though he didn't make the scratch... he could still buy and love the purse anyway... [omg OK so I know that (most) men wouldn't buy and use a purse but just go with my analogy...] so... since He's taking so much time and care to prepare that heart for me... wait for it. 

I am darn sure that God would not withhold good things from me.  What I've got right now is singleness and since God's way is better than Tiff's way 100% of the time... this is what is best right now.  Maybe I've still got some more growing to do... maybe God's not done preparing me yet.  Maybe God's not done preparing someone for me yet either.  Or maybe there is no one in my future and I'm supposed to finish my life journey hand in hand with Jesus alone.  He was expert at seeing past the rips and tears... past the dirty clothes, the scuffs and bruises... He saw the Samaritan woman at the well when no one else would stop to realize her value.  Now for a man to have a heart like Jesus's and to see beyond my exterior, beyond my widowdom... and value my heart...and my potential more than the scars of my past... I think that is worth waiting for, right?  Yes.  Must keep reminding myself of that. 

Part of Dan's sermon yesterday was on living in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.  He made a good analogy of putting a beautiful, juicy steak... on a dirty plate with old food stuck to it... maybe streaks of mold around it.  We need to be clean plates.  We were dirty plates but we were washed clean and a big steak was put on us... and as part of presenting the gospel rightly... we need to keep on striving in our sanctification.  We need to obey.  Another thing I remember was that obedience to God's commandments was not meant to stifle us... it was meant to free us.  It was meant to be a good thing. 

I don't think I walked in a manner worthy of the gospel... before Anderson.  Shoot, I still might not be.  But I know that my mistakes... my careless disregard for the preciousness of my purity... it really hurt Anderson.  Back then... I don't think I cared about my faceless husband.  I think I thought that my boyfriends were the face of my husband... but they weren't.  The heart is such a precious thing.  I remember my dad telling me that my heart was like gum.  When you stick two pieces of gum together... you can't ever cleanly separate them.  There's always going to be pieces of you stuck to the other gum, and pieces of the other gum stuck to you.  The more you keep sticking your gum to things, the more of "you" you leave behind.  And it's true.  Nothing ever feels quite like your first kiss.  I can't ever get that back and regift it to anyone else.  I remember going through breakups and feeling so used and worthless.  Restoration and healing only came from God.  I kinda wanted to write to my husband.  I guess future... but if there is no future husband, then it's just addressed to Jesus. 

Dearest Beloved,

From the deepest depths of my heart, with every fiber of my being, I want to tell you that I love you.  

I... have nothing to say to defend myself.  I've made mistakes in my past and I cannot change them.  I wish I would have been wise and respectful to you and I wish I had waited for God to bring you to me rather than to compromise for a temporary, fleeting, fleshly gain.  I implore your forgiveness for my foolishness and blatant disregard for you and your feelings.  God had already told me that He has amazing plans for me.  I'm so, so sorry I didn't believe them with full faith throughout my entire life.  I... hope that you will forgive me and accept me as I am.

I know I may not be who you imagined or who you would have wanted to marry if you ever dreamt about it when you were younger.  I know you probably would not have chosen to be the second husband to a widow... you probably would have wanted to be someone's first and last.  And I know it takes someone very special not only to love me, but to love who I love... even if it means also loving my love for my first husband, which I am not sure will ever go away.  It is a lot to ask and I do not take it lightly that you have knowingly taken this burden as part of loving and carrying me... and entrusting me to be your helper and also maybe the mother of your children and queen of your household. And yes, honey, that makes you king. 

I cannot change the past... I can only do what I can from now on to live in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ... and worthy of your love.  I hope that I will not forget... I hope that from this moment on... the commitment I am making to you today... before I see your face smiling at me from the end of the aisle... will warm your heart and reassure you that I am wholly yours.  I will not split my heart again.  I am dedicating myself to loving and pursuing our God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength... preserving what I have, allowing God to grow me, mold me, and restore me... and guarding the best of me for Him... and also for you. 

Thank you for loving me and thank you for wanting to embark on the epic adventure of life with me at your side.  I love you and I'm excited... for us.  It's gonna be awesome!

<3,
Tiff

p.s. you look hot in that tux.  or suit.  or whatever you're wearing when you're reading this.  Jeans?  Pajamas?  K.  I'm ending this now.  Love you!

gifts and bubblies

Hm.  It's been a while since I last posted.  Many thoughts.  All scattered.  My brain isn't functioning optimally lately... I'm stressed, I'm exhausted... I'm struggling.

I did have a thought a week or so ago.  I'll try to write it out now.  It was about gifts.

I think a few weeks ago I was having a pity party for myself.  I was lying in bed, crying... I was so sad.  I felt like my outsides were going to collapse into the middle of my chest and I was going to cease to exist.  Like... how in the Star Trek movie when what's-his-Romulin-face created the black hole in the center of Vulcan and the entire planet was consumed... that's how it felt.  I was lying in bed... collapsing within myself and crying out... maybe to God... maybe to no one in particular... but I cried out and asked, "where did my bubblies go?"

I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me.  I used to have bubblies... joy... fizziness... that got me out of bed and propelled me through the day.  I would open that door at the top of the stairs and would enter Tower 2 with a smile... wondering what the day was going to be like... who I was going to get to meet... what fun conversations I was going to have...

So... where did my bubblies go?  I dunno.  I felt like life had thrown a giant dose of simethicone or Gas-X onto my bubblies and I had been de-fizzed.  Flat.  Stale.

And then I thought a little bit... and I realized how selfish I was being.  How all I cared about was my own feelings, my own sadness... and I didn't even know how some of my closest friends were doing. How could I expect anyone to be my friend when I wasn't being theirs?  So I thought I'd try to see how a few were doing.  There were only a few ppl that I wanted to even talk to at that moment.  My first choice... my calls aren't gonna get through until I get to heaven.  I texted my next choice... no response.  So I called... and she answered.  Thank God.  The perfect person answered.  I didn't even know what I was going to say but somehow a conversation went on and ended with a prayer that touched my heart... and gave me enough peace to fall asleep.  I woke up with a heart that felt loved... by God and by the people God sends to reach out to me... and then a renewed desire to spend less time pondering my own sadness and more time reaching out to people I thought I didn't have the time to reach out to.  I really don't have a whole LOT of time... but I had somehow slowly convinced myself that I didn't have enough time for people... and then I became a yucky version of myself.

I can't say that my bubblies have completely and fully returned but I think they're well on their way.  In the midst of my loss of gassy-ness... I pondered what I used to do that made me happy.  I used to go to the park on my days off.  I used to visit my heart-leaf tree.  I used to stop by the neighbor's houses and stare at the flowers in bloom.  I used to think about people and email them or text them to let them know I was thinking of them.  So I decided to just start doing the things I used to love doing.

Among a mass flurry of emailing and facebook messaging... I randomly thought of someone... and amazon'd her a bag of Chia seeds because I thought that she might like them.  It's a highly unusual gift... a bag of Chia seeds.  You'd have to have an understanding about me, about the way I show people I care, and about how awesome I think Chia seeds are... to begin to appreciate the gift I'm giving.  There is almost always a thought behind the gifts I give.  Either you mentioned that you liked it in a conversation... or I like it and I want to share it with you... or I somehow feel that it would be useful to you or meet your needs in some way... or... I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.  I almost always try to write a note explaining the gift... just in case it is really that weird that you wouldn't understand it unless I explained it.  It kinda does give me joy to buy things for people as I think of them or run across things I think they might like.  It gives me even more joy to see/hear that the gift is being used by the person I gave it to... in the ways I intended them to use it or even better.

And then it made me think of God and His love to give good gifts to His children.

God only gives good things.  Sometimes it might not seem like it at first... but maybe it's because I just don't get it yet.  Or I opened the box and pulled out a bag of Chia seeds and got confused as to what it's for, what I'm supposed to do with it, and who in the world would send such a bizarre gift.  Maybe the note will follow the gift.  Maybe a note will never come.  But I always know who sends me strange and wonderful things... and I just have to trust that whatever's in this box is just as wonderful, full of thoughtfulness and coming from a deep understanding of me that only God has... and perfectly suited and meant for me, and only me, as Anderson was.

My gifts.  So many gifts.

I think about my gift of Anderson... and I remember I am blessed.  I also consider my gift of widowdom... and I think about how God revealed Himself to me in the deepest valleys... through the shadow of death... and I cannot deny that the life I have now is even more rich and colorful than the life I lived before.  I consider the gift of my job... as stressful and frustrating as it is... it sustains me financially... it gives me a lot to think about... it gives me opportunities to put my faith into practice... and I've met so many awesome people through work.  I also consider the gift of education.  Not very many people would be able to or even want to go back for a 4th helping of higher education... and honestly, sometimes... OK a LOT of times, I wonder why I did this to myself.  But... getting a nursing doctorate has helped me broaden my thinking about my profession... and it will also broaden my scope of practice and teach me the skills I wanted to take on the mission field one day.  Without someone asking essay questions about problem areas in the workplace... I don't know if I ever would have put my thoughts about hospital visitation policy into writing... and actually think about what I can do to improve patient- and family-centered care in my workplace.  That's my dissertation topic.  Patient- and Family-Centered Care.  A culmination of my experiences as a widow, as a nurse... as a person who wanted to do "something" to help people... and this is where I ended up.  That vague "something" that drove me to get out of plant research and into public health and then into nursing... is now becoming somewhat of a reality.  I'm really trying to "use" the gifts that God's given me... the experiences I've had... all my skills... using them all to enrich the rest... Sometimes I don't even think I know what the gift is for... I just pick it up and play with it and God ends up doing something crazy or amazing with it... just because I picked it up. 

I've really been struggling with this class I'm taking now.  It's called "evidence-based thinking for scholarship and practice"... but it's basically research methods and forcing me to decide on a research question, do a literature review and start writing the first chapter of my clinical dissertation.  It's killing me.  Not literally.  But I'm really struggling... in ways I haven't struggled before in this program.  I'm also kinda struggling at work.  I transferred out of my telemetry unit and onto another telemetry floor... and I will be transferring into the ICU, God willing... if I survive.  I also wondered why I interviewed for this position.  Why did I put extra stress on myself?  Why couldn't I just ride it out on a floor I was comfortable on... and have less stress at work so I could spend more time doing school stuff?  Aye.  Because I'm crazy and also because God has crazy plans for me too.

I think God knew that I would struggle really hard with this class.  My class is 8 weeks long.  I was asked to take a 6-week long critical care class on Wednesdays during the day.  That means one less shift per week on the hospital floor and therefore one additional day that I could spend doing homework.  My 6-week critical care class will end precisely when this school class ends.  God's grace to me.

I've also been struggling hard with deciding what my research question was going to be.  Because of the struggle and all the back-and-forth I've been doing, I haven't been able to finish my assignments early.  Every single assignment, I'm working right up until the deadline and submitting like minutes before it's due.  This is stressful for me too.  I would really prefer to get things done early... but I haven't been able to for this class.

My director also suggested that I go to this critical care conference that I went to last Friday.  At first, I was somewhat annoyed that I had to wake up at like 6am to spend all day at a nursing conference... but it ended up being a really good conference.  And another act of God... one of the conference speakers ended up not being able to present... so they had two women present on Patient- and Family-Centered Care (PFCC)... the topic I'm writing on for my dissertation!  One of the presenters is getting her DNP too and she's also doing her dissertation on PFCC.  The other presenter has 3 kids with mitochondrial abnormalities and has so many stories about all the hospital units she's been in and out of... and it really just reminded me of... me.  I got a chance to talk to the nurse getting her DNP and we've been emailing since then.  She's willing to help me flesh out my topic, my passions... and offer help where she can.  I could say that it was all coincidence, but I really find it hard to believe that it could be.  God knows me.  He knows exactly what I'm going through, exactly where my heart is struggling, exactly what I need and He just arranges it all so perfectly that I ended up at that particular conference... He had the other guy cancel and these two ladies take his place.  Perfect providence is God's sovereignty at work.

I also had a really rough day at work last week.  It started and ended with tears.  And I could ignore it or think that it was all coincidence too... but a surprising number of people have been encouraging me lately.  And have you ever gotten a gift that you really wanted, but you've never told anyone you did?  Well... I got such a gift and it was nothing short of amazing.

I've always wanted to go to a football game.  Seriously.  Yeah.  I never got to go in high school and ended up at like all kinds of colleges that don't have football teams.  I think Chapman has one... but I don't wanna go by myself.  Plus... I've tried watching football on TV and ended up having to ask friends so many questions... that I'm sure I wasn't much fun.  Oh and I also like it when girls explain it to me.  Guys know a lot more but for some reason... it's a lot harder for me to understand.  I think Pami said it best when she told me that they've got 4 chances to get the ball across two lines.  That was an enlightening moment.  That made all the other random tidbits that I've gleaned from friends make a lot more sense.  I still don't really get it but I know enough to appreciate it now.  And it is quite exciting.  I got like absolute royal treatment.  If that was the only football game I ever go to, I think I would have absolutely no complaints.  We sat 3 rows up from the field.  We tailgated all fancy-like with caterers and chocolate fountains. We started walking down the stairs to our seats and kickoff happened... and before we even sat down, they scored a touchdown.  It was super fun.  AND I got to go with amazing people. We also went to get my three favorite desserts afterwards... 'Lette macarons, fried plantains and Dole Whip.  I don't know how the day could have gone any better.  Seriously amazing.

So what... was it 2 or 3 weeks ago that I was lamenting about my bubblies?  God has since then showered me with amazing gifts from almost every angle possible.  I haven't even written about every single gift.  There have been people that I've randomly caught up with these past few weeks... amazing foods I've eaten... even a lunch that my dad packed for me which included fried rice that he made and two of my favorite "rare" fruits... a white nectarine and a golden kiwi and my mom's daily carrot juice which, in addition to the Chia seeds, has kept me more regular than usual.

I am amazed at the thoughtfulness of these gifts... both at the Ultimate Giver and His extreme love for me... and at the people and things He's chosen to utilize to gift me and bless me in amazing ways... ways which I cannot deny have been tailored specifically for me.  I don't think the bubblies have returned in full force but it's getting there.  And I know that joys don't automatically accompany blessings and the presence of them doesn't mean that I'll have joy... but it sure does help put a smile on my face when I get showered with love.  And I even wonder if all the struggles and hardship make me appreciate the random gifts even more... like how light shines brighter in the midst of darkness.

Ok... I think this one was pretty long and I definitely need to get some rest.
<3,
Tiff

I know all these pics are on my fb but just in case... and also because it's fun to look back on when I do get a chance to read my old blog entries again... here are some pictures.

After a failed attempt to get gelato...

ramen!

everything's better wrapped in bacon

Jia yo

Such a pretty ticket...

purple flowers

Hi Friend,

I'm super exhausted but I did want to write a follow-up to my last post.  Thank you so much for praying for me!  If you didn't read my last post, I'm pretty sure you would have prayed for me had you known so thank you for meaning to pray for me.  And if you don't pray... well, thank you for thinking good thoughts for me or meaning to think good thoughts for me.  I really appreciate all of you for supporting me and keeping my thoughts in good company over the years.  Thank you for caring for me.

So I think I asked for prayer about my presentation in my last post but I might not have talked about what I was presenting.  I wrote a paper on hospital visiting hours and overnight guest policy and why I think they should be more lenient.  The reason why I chose that topic in particular was because I needed to write an opinion piece advocating for culturally competent care in the workplace.  It was a melding of my own personal experience as a family member of a patient and as a nurse working on a unit which is not exactly family-friendly.

I actually wrote it with a very tiny inkling that maybe I could send it to my CNO (Chief Nursing Officer) and possibly plant the seed for a policy change, but I wasn't actually sure I would go through with it.  After I wrote it, I didn't feel that great about it.  I figured I'd let my professor give me some feedback first.  I did get really good feedback on it and my professor challenged me to think of ways to create a more caring and culturally competent atmosphere on my unit.  And then the CNO actually came to my floor, on a night that I was working...to bring us cookies.  I thought I heard her voice so I turned around to say hi.  She asked me how I was doing... how school was going... and then I had an inkling that maybe I would write her a thank you email for coming and bringing us cookies... and btw, here's my paper.  So I did. 

Sometimes I'm very thoughtless.  I don't really think about the potential consequences of my actions before doing them... for example... whether or not I actually wanted to go back to school before sending my application.  It just seemed like a good idea at the time.  I have this weird way of thinking about grad school.  I figure that I'll just apply and if I get in, then I'll decide whether or not I want to go.  If I don't get in, I won't have to decide... the decision's made for me. Why should I limit myself when I don't even have the option of making that choice yet?  Usually it works out.  Nursing school totally worked out.  Getting my doctorate... I did freak out.  Emailing my CNO was one of those thoughtless decisions.  I don't know what I thought was going to happen.  I really didn't think that she'd email me back and ask me to present at a nursing leadership meeting. 

And then I got an email a few weeks later from another director letting me know that I could have 10 minutes to present... 8 minutes to present my "article and my findings" and 2 minutes for questions.  Once things started to materialize and I had actual dates and times... I started to freak out.

I didn't really know how to prepare for it.  I was sitting here with my paper... wondering what I was going to say.  I don't even talk about this stuff with my co-workers... my peers!  How was I going to talk about it with nursing managers/directors?  And honestly... who am I?  I'm a baby nurse compared to all of them.  I guess it didn't help that the last nursing leadership meeting I went to, there were like 50 people in the room and there was... arguing and bickering going on.  Anyway... so I figured I'd just prepare for it the same way I prepare for my other presentations... I'll make a powerpoint. 

I didn't intend on actually presenting with the powerpoint... just using it to guide my presentation.  I could also use it to time myself so I stay within the time limits.  I actually started shaking with nervousness as I was making this powerpoint.  I've never started shaking this far in advance.  Normally, I get really nervous 5 minutes before I present...not 12+ hours before.  So I decided to choose a theme that would calm me... something that when I looked at it, would make me happy.  So I chose this one... a purple flower theme. 


And because I wanted to build a little credibility, I did spend 3-4 slides introducing myself and letting them know my motivation for writing this paper.  I made up my mind that I was going to tell them that I'm a widow.  It is relevant.  And it was my "hook". 

So my "hook" actually ended up backfiring a little bit on me because the CNO introduced me and said that I had recently been at the hospital as a family member of a patient... and I told her, and everyone else... that it was actually my husband... not just any family member. 

I was already shaking before it was time for me to present and by the time I said, "widow" I broke down in tears.  It was probably a culmination of my emotional instability, being so nervous that I couldn't sleep the night before, and just feeling overwhelmed with the situation in general... I started crying. 

I am so glad that I'm a nurse.  I think in almost every other profession, if you burst into tears in front of your executive management, it'd be a negative thing.  Nurses are so caring.  I got so many hugs.  My previous director actually got up and stood in the back of the room so that I would see her and just talk to her... to help decrease my anxiety.  They offered me a chair.  It was just such a caring and nurturing experience. 

I was able to get through the rest of my presentation surprisingly.  Even though I had less than 10 minutes to present and I was talking really fast, people made a lot of really pertinent comments.  They were totally paying attention.  One lady even shared her own personal story with the group after I was done.  Someone else came up to me and shared that they were a widow too.  And one of the male managers said that he was sorry for my loss.  I'm not sure if they were just being nice, but a lot of people came up to me and told me that I did a good job.  My own managers said that they were proud of me.  The woman who hired me gave me a high five and said that she was happy to see me growing.  Who could ask for anything more? 

On top of that, the CNO finished up the meeting and challenged the managers and directors to think about their care from the patient's perspective and she asked them to think about whether or not our hospital could just get rid of the visiting hour limitations altogether.  She told someone to put it on next month's agenda.  I'm not sure if anything will come of it but I was really surprised by everyone's response.  Very pleasantly surprised.  And maybe if our policies do end up changing... maybe I did my little part to help. 

To God be the glory.  Seriously.  Great things He has done.  I was ill-prepared, sleep-deprived, and a crying, shaking, nervous mess.  The fact that any words at all came out of my mouth was a miracle and a blessing.  And the fact that the whole thing was received so well... despite my less than stellar delivery... another miracle.  As if I needed another reason to add to the proof that I serve the God of the impossible... He just keeps lavishing me with His wonders.   

I did go to Target afterwards to run an errand but I ended up finding this purple flower air freshener.  I felt like it jumped off the shelf and called to me.  Kinda like God was reassuring me and letting me know that He was always there... and He left me this little flower to find along the way because He knew exactly what would make me smile... He always knows how to leave little love notes everywhere for me to find to let me know He was thinking of me and that He cares.  You might think... that it was just a flower.  Somebody in China probably pressed a button to make it... but you know what... that person in China didn't know that I would find it today and that my heart would delight in it.  I really think that God used whoever created it and all the hands that got it precisely where I was walking by to bless ME. 

Brain function is super low right now.  I really need to sleep.  How come every time I think I'm going to write a short one, it ends up being really long? 

I'd just like to end by relating this entire situation back to something I read today... in Nehemiah that encouraged me too.  I love Nehemiah... it's such a good book.  So much good stuff in it.  Anyway... so Nehemiah was just a cup bearer... but cup bearer to the king of the nation that conquered Israel.  He was just one man... with a heart full of compassion... and he wanted to do something about the sad situation that he heard about.  He decided that he was wanted to rebuild the walls around Jerusalem.  Nehemiah wasn't really "anyone" either.  He wasn't a builder, he wasn't an architect, he wasn't some great military leader... he was just a man with a heart that moved for his people...a prayerful heart that sought to obey God.  He prayed... and then made the most of his situation and asked the king if he could go to Jerusalem to rebuild their walls.  I don't know if Nehemiah really thought about the task set before him.  Maybe he did, maybe he didn't think about the task so much as He thought about the God who could make all things possible.  Maybe all he had to do was show up with a desire deep in his heart to do what God had put on his heart to do and then just trust that God would empower him and take care of everything else.

So maybe that's all I need to do too.  God gave me my life experiences and put me in a situation where I see needs and I see areas that could be built up.  And I really could just keep to my work and glorify God in that, but what if God called me to do something bigger?  What if He gave ME the voice to speak up to the CNO to ask for a change in hospital policy?  And what if some great and miraculous things were to happen simply because I said something... and then showed up to say something more? 

Who knows what's going to happen in the future.  Maybe nothing will happen.  Maybe I'll just be known as that girl who cried in front of everyone at that one meeting in September.  I don't know.  I'm really tired.  I think maybe I'll take another cue from Nehemiah and just work on building up the wall that's right in front of me.  One stone at a time, one day at a time... and then maybe one day before I know it, the walls will be high and strong. 

I don't think I'm making any sense anymore.  Anyway, I hope that was enough to give you the gist of how my presentation went. 

Good night...
<3,
Tiff

in·ad·e·quate

I don't have a clear idea of what I want to write... I just know that I think I probably need to.  I've been fairly emotionally unstable lately... or maybe just full of emotions... like my emotional cup is so full that any little bump on the table causes tears to spill over the brim.  Last night was my first night back at work after 2 weeks off.  Thankfully I was resource nurse and thankfully I got to go home early.  God takes very good care of me.  Since I've got a few "extra" hours, I figured I'd just write my heart out so I can sleep soundly. 

I'm not sure if it's the crazy switching back and forth between night schedule to a normal "day" schedule... or going from eastern time back to pacific time... or a backlash from the crazy gluttonous diet... but my hands were shaking today as I was starting an IV.  Not good to have shaky hands while starting an IV.  Veins are delicate.  This lady had already been poked multiple times.  I could feel myself getting really hot and sweaty trying to stop my hands from shaking.  Once again... very thankfully... the lady responded well to my distraction questions and we were able to hold a light conversation as I started her IV.  We talked about the twin towers, where we were when it happened, she told me how she used to be a 3rd grade teacher, how her favorite subject was English... I asked about her kids, she told me about them... she asked if I had any kids... and she told me that it's a wonderful thing if you find the right person to have kids with... (the length of this conversation should give you some indication as to how much time it took me to recompose myself before I started this IV...) ... and then I finished.  I feel very good when they say, "oh you're done already?".  Success.  I distracted them enough that they may have forgotten the fact that I just inserted a catheter into their vein... and then taped it all up real nice.  What was the point of that story?  Oh... the shaking.

Yeah...  that's how I feel right now.  I'm about to do some pretty crazy nursing things at work... and unlike starting the IV... I've never done this stuff before.  I go back and forth between confidence and fear.  This is what it sounds like in my head:  I can do it!  No, I can't.  Yes, I can!  No, I can't.  I'm ready!  No, I'm not.  I'm emotionally shaking.  Quivering. 

I also really wanted to blog because I wanted to ask for your prayers.  This Thursday, I'm doing a short presentation in front of like 30 managers/directors/supervisors at my hospital.  In 2 weeks, I'm going to be transferring out of my unit and starting work on another unit.  And a month or couple months after that, I'm likely going to be transferring from that unit into the ICU.  Simultaneously, I'm starting to solidify my research question and I'm at the point in my doctoral program where I'm going to start writing chapters of my dissertation. 

A week ago I kind of had a mental and emotional breakdown.  I was so overwhelmed... I couldn't handle it anymore.  I resorted to running.  Well... literal running... I actually got on a treadmill and ran.  If you know me, I never do that.  I felt like all the pressure and the expectations... all the unknowns... all the changes... they were all catching up to me and I asked myself WHY I was doing this to myself and HOW in the WORLD did I get myself into this situation?  I was freaking out. 

OK this is going to be a long and boring blog... I can tell.  Sorry.  That's what I get for not blogging when my emotions were at their peak. 

Why, oh why, did I start a doctoral program?  Why did I interview for an ICU position?  Why did I stir the pot and start emailing my CNO (Chief Nursing Officer) about things I wanted to see improved at our hospital?  Half the time, I feel like I just "fell" into it.  If you miss 100% of the shots you don't take... what about making the shots you just kind of throw into the air?  I kinda feel like I just threw a ball in the general direction of the hoop and it either bounced in on its own or like banked off the backboard and ended up in the hoop.  And the emailing... I don't know.  I'm a crazy emailer.  I just email everything. 

Let me take myself back to why I wanted to get a Doctorate of Nursing Practice (DNP) to begin with.  Actually, I didn't really know what a DNP was when I applied... I just figured that I already had a masters degree... if I was going to go back to school, I'd better get a doctorate this time... and I knew I didn't want a PhD.  And yes, a DNP is different than a PhD.  Basically, a PhD generates "new" knowledge... and the DNP, a practice-based doctorate, works on applying that knowledge in the clinical setting.  DNPs are supposed to be expert clinicians... educated to achieve the highest degree in the field of nursing... reaching the highest level of clinical competency... while still practicing in the clinical setting... while being expected to contribute to academia through teaching and publishing... and to be involved in developing nursing policy... nationally, statewide, instutition-wide...omg... I think I'm starting to have palpitations just thinking about the expectations. 

So... presenting in front of nurse managers, unit directors, and house supervisors... communicating with executive management... and also working as a staff RN... those are all good things that help me along the way... so I guess that's why I gave it a shot... that's why I just went for it.  And now I'm at the point where I'm about to start "doing" something... and I'm getting all shaky. 

I did write an email or two while I was having my breakdown a few weeks ago.  I wrote that all I wanted to do was to cry and have someone say, "it's gonna be OK".  I did a lot of crying.  My dear friends emailed me back a lot of encouragements... everywhere I turned, I was getting encouragement... but it wasn't until a few days ago that I actually heard someone say, "it's gonna be OK" and it really spoke deep into my heart.  And then I cried again.

At the point where she said, "it's gonna be OK"... it hit me and time stopped...just for a moment.  Deep within my heart... even though I knew everything was going to be OK... I still wanted to hear someone say it.  And someone did.  I was so moved.  It was as if I was harboring an intense craving for 2 weeks and the craving was finally met, unexpectedly, in the most random of places...at the back room of a nail salon. And not only that... she went on to say, "you were meant for great things.  I'm not sure what yet, but I can just feel it.  You were meant for something special."  And then it was as if the table was bumped really hard and I couldn't hold back tears anymore.  Tears just fell out of my eyes... down my cheeks... plopping one by one in rapid succession onto my chest.  There I was... one hand held by a manicurist... the other hand stuck in a UV light machine... and big fat tears were falling out of my eyes.  And then my friend pulled tissues out of her magic mommy purse and wiped away my tears.  I was so humbled.  I felt such amazing grace. My friend treated me to a mani/pedi... she spoke words of encouragement which spoke directly to the desires of my heart... and went above and beyond... to physically wiping away my tears when I couldn't do it myself.  I felt so loved.  So very loved. 

I've also been reading about Daniel and his buddies.  They were Israelites... brought in captivity to Babylon and subject to a foreign king.  Not like it's the same... but sometimes I feel like I'm a captive to my schoolwork and my work schedule.  Sometimes I feel like it dictates my life... what I can and cannot do.  Anyway... so Daniel and his buddies... out of all the good-looking youths that were plucked out of Israel and sent to Babylon school... the four of them were something special. They made it into the Bible for one thing. The reason Israel was taken into captivity was because they disobeyed God.  And now these 4 very special boys were chosen... chosen for something more.  They were faithful with small things and God put them in charge of big things.  If you think about it... it is kind of a small thing... to choose to eat vegetables rather than the king's choice food.  Even though food stuff was pretty big among the Jews... it was just food.  They stood their ground and ate their veggies and God blessed them... physically... in wisdom... and in favor before the king. 

I was thinking about how they ended up where they were... as rulers and governors... and they were technically second-class citizens in that country... but having deep within them a fear of God... and a solid conviction to obey Him no matter what... that was the beginning of their wisdom... and it just permeated to the rest of their lives so that even a pagan nation could recognize that they were something special.  And Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego survived the fiery furnace unsinged and unscathed... and may have seen Jesus in that fire.  And Daniel... who was so upright and faultless that the only thing that his enemies could think of to bring him down was through his faithfulness to God.  He also survived a den full of hungry lions.  Those four guys survived miraculously.  Their lives were extraordinary... not because of anything they did really... but what God was able to do through them when they feared Him and were simply and faithfully obedient to Him.

So... maybe all of this is just part of my training... building me up for bigger things in the future.  I have been placed where I am for a reason.  I was chosen to live my life, and mine alone.  I was chosen to be a nurse at my hospital... and Anderson played a huge role in preparing me for that.  I am who I am, as a person and a nurse, largely because of him.  God used Anderson to soften my heart... to open my eyes... to show me love so that I would experience love and also be able to give it... and my experience living with Anderson in the ICU is partly why I thought I wanted to become an ICU nurse to begin with... and the reason I chose to write about why I feel that visiting hours and overnight guest policy should be less restrictive is because of my experiences in the hospital as the wife of a cancer patient... and I'm pretty sure I'm going to write my dissertation on patient- and family-centered care because I want to help others have a better, more efficient, more "healing" experience on multiple levels... and getting there means I'm going to have to communicate my heart and my passion... and what better place to start than right now at the next nursing leadership meeting. This Thursday.  In 3 days. 

I don't know what I'm doing half the time.  Failing is also a vital part of the learning process.  So "succeed" or not... it's all going to be OK.  God has promised that His plans are for good and not for evil so in the grand scheme of things... He has already succeeded... even if I fail at this presentation.  And maybe a failure will be a good learning experience for me so that I'll be better prepared next time.  Maybe I'll fail as an ICU nurse... and that'll just tell me that it's not where I was meant to be.  Maybe I was just meant to be a med-surg/tele nurse.  Hopefully I can still be a good nurse practitioner either way.  And if I need to quit, then I'll quit and find something else to do and something else to be. Anyway... it's all really a win-win no matter how I look at it. 

God has proven Himself more than able and more than gracious... to me... to other people... to all my Jewish homeboys and homegirls in the Bible... and even in my hour of need... when my heart cried out that "I cannot".. that I am inadequate for the task set before me... His grace is more than sufficient to meet me where I'm at... faults and insecurities and all... and show me that He is God... in great things and in small things.  And He also takes care of those little details and sends beautiful hands to wipe away my tears when I need it too.  This is a God that does big things like speak the world into being... and small things too... like cradling the heart of this widow-nurse-student.  Hmm.  I think I'm OK to go to bed now... and I also think this blog was more for me than anyone else cuz it is NOT a pretty post.  Sorry.  Ending now.  Thanks for reading if you got this far...

<3,
Tiff

Part II: heart stuff

cookies...

I guess the work stuff was just more of a story I wanted to share.  Updates.  The heart stuff is actually what I wanted to think through and ponder with you guys.  If you had asked me how I was doing lately... and I said I was OK... I think that "OK" would be the average between the stuff that's going on at work and the stuff that's going on in my heart.  Work stuff is pretty excellent.  Very exciting.  Lots of changes and prospects on the horizon.  Emotionally... quite the opposite.  Void.  Desert wasteland.  Maybe not "emotionally"... romantically?  Eh.  Emotionally.  Final answer.  Very unstable.  Lonely. 

The two things I like doing on my days off... shopping and eating... ideally with friends... but sometimes it's just me. 

I think a few friends have seen my facial expression when I eat a Paulette macaron... and they've made comments like... they can tell I'm just so happy.  Like I could die right there and be at peace. 

And then something about shopping... to adorn myself with pretty things... also makes me happy.  I express myself through my clothes, my shoes... but sometimes... I don't dress for myself.  Sometimes I dress for other people.  I was in the bathroom of a restaurant the other day.  I looked at myself and thought, "I don't look very attractive today.  Today I dressed for me."  There are certain clothes that people wear when they're trying to be attractive.  A tight black dress, stiletto heels.  I really did think to myself... if I want to attract people... I should have been dressing like that.  But what kind of people would I be attracting?  Do I WANT someone to notice me first because of the tight black dress?  Honestly... most of the time I don't... but sometimes I do.  Sometimes, I'm just tired of being single. 

I dream a lot.  Some people don't remember their dreams... sometimes I wish I didn't... sometimes I'm glad I do.  I've had a few... not super pleasant dreams... but they were kinda nice in that I got to "see" Anderson for a little bit.  The first dream... he was there but he was fading out of consciousness... and for some reason, he was hooked up to an EKG and I could tell his heart was failing.  So I started doing compressions.  I begged him not to leave me.  I think I woke up while I was doing compressions in the dream.  He never got a normal rhythm back before I woke up.  The second one lately... he was asleep in another room.  His dad tried really hard to keep people out so he could rest.  It was nice... except... I'm his wife.  I should be able to just sit with him if I want.  So I walked in and I think as I closed the door, I saw his eyes open.  I went over to kiss him and then my alarm went off.  I didn't wake up crying.  I guess that's OK.  I didn't really get to interact with him at all in those dreams... but I did get to "see" him... at least for a little while.

I don't know why but I rarely get frustrated with the fact that I'm widowed. I think the most frustrating thing about it really isn't the fact that it happened... it's that I'm alone again.  When I think about my marriage... my husband... I marvel at the fact that we found each other.  My time with Anderson was beautiful.  When I met him, I was like 20 or 21 years old.  I didn't know what I was doing... I just thought that... hey that guy's kinda cute... we get along really well... let's just spend time together and date.  Did I know that at 21, I met the man I would eventually marry?  Did I know that this little guy in the Express jeans would be the man who would open up my heart and show me what true love is?  Did I know that happenchancing on Anderson would change the course of my life?  No.  Of course not.  I was just a dumb little girl back then.  Well... the same height, but... "little" nonetheless.  And now here I am... 8 years later... alone again.  I look around at everyone who's dating or getting married or who got married and they seem so lucky.  How do people find each other?  How does love just happen for some people?  And is it possible for it to happen again?  Do I even WANT it to happen again?  Would it be the same?  Would it be better?  Would I be happier or just more frustrated? 

Maybe it's just the fact that things seem to be going so well at work for me... that I'm dwelling on the area that God has been putting on hold for the moment.  Maybe I'm just being hormonal or being a girl... but the other day... I don't know why... but I heard this phrase over and over and over in my head: who would want you?


Who would want YOU?


I can't even think about that day without crying.  I cried the entire day.  I was driving, and it would play in my head... as if someone were right next to me and taunting me.  I heard it.  It was so real... so audible.  It was so hurtful.

It kinda reminded me of when Harry opened the horcrux locket... and it just exploded on Ron with darkness... a thick, dark cloud... and if that weren't scary enough... all my deepest insecurities made audible by an evil, hissing voice... who would want YOU?

Every single time I heard it... I burst into tears.  It was a sad, sad day.

But you know what?  Every time I heard someone say, "who would want YOU?"... I also heard another voice saying, "I do."  As many times as I heard that question asked... I also heard the answer.  "I do".  And that voice belonged to Jesus.  I am quite certain.  No one else could hear my insecurity and be there immediately to answer.  No one else could meet that darkness with the perfect response, with such a strong voice of confidence and assurance.  Only Someone who has known me my whole life... who has loved me before I was even born... who has been watching and waiting... only Someone who was butt crazy, madly in love with me would come to my rescue time and time again... to stand up for me and claim me as His... not only when I'm at my best... but when I'm a crumpled, splotchy, snotty mess... leaking from my eyes... leaking from my nose... my mouth contorted in broken agony at that terrible question... "who would want YOU?"

Someone told me recently that I was an optimist... and he was a realist.  I also remember hearing a sermon preached where the pastor said he was a realist.  I used to think I was a realist too.  That's just a nice way of saying that I'm a pessimist... that I saw the constant disappointment that came from trusting people... and I just decided to give up and trust no more.  One strange thing about being that kind of "realist"... I was halfway close to being right... you really can't put your faith in people.  They WILL always let you down... so why did I keep on wanting to put my trust in them?  That's like... deciding that I'm a "realist" but then not fully committing to it.  If I decide that I can't put my faith in people... I should have fully decided not to put my faith in people... and then go find something worthy of my faith... someone who will NEVER leave me, never forsake me... never let me down.  He is incapable of making mistakes... He is perfect.  He is incapable of hurting me with his sin... He is holy, holy, holy.  He will never lose interest in me and "break up" with me... He has been captivated by me since before I was born.  He'll never be unprepared, He is always on time... He's got style, He's got class.  He's strong as a lion, gentle as a lamb.  He is a mighty King and yet... He humbled Himself to know pain for our sake.  He bore the wrath for my sake... He paid my debt for me.  I am no longer worthless before God... I am a co-heir of His kingdom... royalty now... by grace alone.  He is worthy because He IS.

He wants me.  Forever and ever.  He loves me.  Forever and ever. 

Every time I heard the "I do"... I started to cry anew.  Jesus was pretty confident that He wanted me.  How come I couldn't be as confident to stand at His side and be claimed?  Was it because I wanted someone else to say "I do"?  Some dude... here on earth?  Maybe.  But would that just be setting myself up for another one of those "realist" scenarios?  Not fully realizing that what I want, I already have?  Not allowing Him to be enough for me?

That's not to say that Jesus wouldn't want me to get married.  I think that my marriage was very God glorifying.  Not mutually exclusive things... just the things in my heart... the desires of my heart... maybe the answer is no... that I'll never have it again in this lifetime... maybe it's wait... wait until the time comes.  I don't know.

You know... it seems to be that... God takes care of me in every possible way.  He takes care of my body... my career... my schooling... my work stuff... I'm very well taken care of.  Why would I think that God wouldn't also think about this too?  If I don't have to worry about eating or drinking or the clothes that cover my body... if God hasn't just given me the bare necessities but has given me exceedingly abundantly more than I can ask or think... why wouldn't He also in this area of my life?  Wouldn't He also take care of my heart as well as my body?

That same person who told me he was a realist... also told me that my cup is so half full, it's full.

I wonder... it's not that I don't feel pain.  It's not that I don't recognize the empty areas of my life.  It's not that I don't cry.  It's not that I am immune to searing pain or deep longing or despairing depression.  I do feel it.  It is there.  All of that is... real to some extent... but also not real at the same time.  It's like... a half truth.  The empty parts of the cup... aren't always detriments... sometimes they're just there to remind me of the fullness that exists in spite of them.  The night sky which makes the stars shine brighter... the black velvet which makes my diamond even more brilliant.

Sometimes I just have to feel the darkness... to remind myself of the light.  I dunno.  I don't know if I'm making sense anymore.  I'm tired.  I did want to write more about Harry Potter.  No brain juice left.  Another day perhaps.

<3,
Tiff

Part I: work stuff

Lots of random disjointed thoughts lately.  I'm not sure what I'm going to write about... I just felt like writing.

Updates... lots.  This month blew by.  I feel like all I've been doing is working, traveling, working, doing homework, more working.  August schedule has been pretty tightly squeezed.

Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Luke 12:22-31

You know what?  I was thinking about that one phrase... life is more than food, the body is more than clothing.  That... is a pretty realistic statement that I need to remind myself of constantly.

According to mint.com... the pie chart of my spending tells me that my top 5 expenditure categories are: tuition/education, gifts/donations/tithes, shopping, travel/transportation-related and food.  If you remove the tuition stuff and the tithe stuff... which kinda just gets a mandatory deduction from my paycheck... the stuff that I actually choose to spend my extra money on are clothes, travel, and food.  This shows what's important to me.  But is it stuff I find joy in?  I delight in?  Is it what I'm living for?  Must be careful not to let those things consume me.  There's so much more to life than food and clothes even though... some stuff is just so darn tasty... and some clothes/shoes and things are just so pretty.  If I have to eat and if I have to wear clothes... they might as well be food and stuff that makes me happy, right?  LOL. 

Anyway... I think in general... this is why I work.  To eat and clothe myself.  Part 1 of this blog post... work stuff. 

I've been reading through snippets of the Old Testament lately.  It's been so refreshing.  I'm not sure why, but maybe I learn through stories or the way people respond to things... really teaches me a lot.  Every time I read through the OT I find so many parallels in my life. 

So it happened really quickly.  I hardly had any warning but I interviewed for an ICU position on August 1st.  I'd always thought I wanted to be an ICU nurse, but I got hired on my telemetry unit and I'm so very thankful that I started out there.  I somehow got pulled into a couple of committees and councils at work and through one of them, I met the ICU director at my hospital.  I don't know what possessed me to do so, but one day I just emailed her and asked if she had any openings.  She said that she did have openings and she was interviewing soon.  She gave me no date initially.  I didn't hear from her again for a little while.  I wasn't sure if those interviews had come and gone.  So I decided to update my nursing resume and just send it to her for her to keep on file for the next round.  Turned out that she hadn't done the interviews yet and she emailed me the interview date, but she didn't actually explicitly tell me to come.  The interview date turned out to be on an afternoon right smack in the middle of a 4-shift work week for me.  That means that I would have worked 2 shifts, would have to wake up early, interview, and then go straight to work right after for another 2 shifts.  Not the most ideal interview setting but it was workable.  I didn't find out until 2 days before the interview that she had scheduled me to interview at 4:30pm.  Her executive assistant called me that morning (while I was sleeping), to confirm that I had a 4pm interview.  Even less sleep for me.

Traffic on the 91 forced me to take surface streets.  I used to really hate driving.  I still kind of do... but I've been trying a little more to take my time, slow down, and use the driving time to clear my mind and think.  I had to fight the frustration of having less sleep than I originally thought... fight the frustration of traffic and red lights... and just ponder my situation.

I am so blessed to have a job.  Not only to have a job, but to actually love my job and my profession.  It was God's miracle that I got hired there in the first place... I think I only had a few days notice before my first interview at Anaheim Regional Medical Center, which I didn't even know was going to happen at the end of the luncheon... and I don't know if my mom would have even gotten me an invite to that luncheon had I not blogged about my previous failed interview at Little Company of Mary.  If I hadn't gone to public health school at CSUF, I might not have known about the nursing program that was starting right after my MPH program was done... if I hadn't been already enrolled at CSUF and if I hadn't already gotten a BS in biology from UCI, I might not have been able to get my nursing pre-req's done in time.  If I hadn't applied to nursing school that particular year, I would have passed my 5-year recency for my science classes and I would have had to re-take them all over again.  If I hadn't randomly enrolled in a particular clinical group, I might not have met my professor and I might not have gotten published with her.  If I hadn't gotten published, I might not have gotten noticed by my managers and the CNO (Chief Nursing Officer) and I might not have gotten asked to attend those committee meetings where I met the ICU director.  And if I hadn't ever met the ICU director, I probably wouldn't have just randomly emailed her to ask about job openings.  God might have chosen to work another way had I chosen another pathway, but doesn't it just seem like... a very gentle wind was blowing me in this direction?  That gentle wind blew me away from rocks and obstacles that I recognize as hardships in other people's lives.  I am very, very blessed.  And I was not driving to this interview by chance or luck.  I'm pretty sure it was meant to be... a part of some master plan for me.  Even if I don't end up getting the job... I think it's a testimony to how quickly God can move if He wants to get something done.

I had worked for two nights before my interview.  I really didn't have time to prepare anything.  But thankfully my manager had talked to me the night before the interview and I told her part of my story.  When it came to tell my story again at the interview, it was like I had already practiced it.

The interview wasn't just with the director.  It was also with another manager and a charge nurse.  It might have been scary but... I had heard about this ICU manager from my friends who had worked with her in nursing school... and the charge nurse and I were wearing the same nursing shoes.  Made for some easy small talk in the beginning.  Oh and did I mention that the interview actually was at 4:30pm and not 4pm?  Even though traffic made me late... and even though I didn't know where her office was... God provided an extra half hour for me to find the room and be able to just sit and calm down before the interview.  Everything worked out so perfectly.

The interview went well.  I think.  I didn't cry like I did in the last one... I almost did but no full fledged tears came out.  :)  I ended up having to tell them most of the Tifferson story since it's so intertwined with my educational journey and my time spent with Anderson in the ICU was one of the reasons I thought I wanted to become an ICU nurse in the first place.

After the interview I was kind of in limbo.  The ICU director and my current director were supposed to talk and let me know what the plan would be.  I wasn't getting any dates or anything concrete.  I didn't blatantly get offered the job... I had no projected transition date.  I might be transferring to another unit first before ICU.  I wasn't sure.  Not to mention that I had missed the critical care class with a simulation lab which started in July.  The next one was scheduled to be in February 2012.  There was another class, a more beginner class, starting in September but it was full and she also wanted me to attend one with a simulation lab.  This one didn't have a sim lab.  I was starting to wonder if maybe the whole thing wasn't working out.  Maybe it was just good practice but not intended to come to fruition. I was starting to feel sad about leaving my unit.  I got fearful about whether or not I might be moving to a unit full of mean nurses... I asked myself why in the world would I try and change units while I'm in my doctoral program... wouldn't it have been easier to just stay where I was?  I had thought it through up until that point and I decided that I didn't need to think about it anymore.  I just needed to have faith.  I wrote this to a few friends while I was agonizing over the decision. 

I've been encouraged by Abraham lately... as that's what I've been reading according to the reading plan.  :)  I love how God orchestrates these things perfectly for me.  Abe was called to leave his homeland only on a promise... and he did.  God promised He would also make his descendants numerous... but as far as Abe saw... he was sojourning in foreign lands and his smokin' hot wife was barren.  There was nothing visible or "on the horizon"... it seemed like what God promised was humanly impossible...

and yet.. he believed and it was accounted him as righteousness.  God hasn't called me to up and leave my home... but this might be what this opportunity is for me.  I don't know what His plans are for me, but all I need to do is believe in God's goodness, believe in His loving plan for me, and just trust... that even if I cannot see a resolution on the horizon... that whatever or wherever I end up... God can use it for His glory.  And a few weeks ago, I had no interview and no thoughts about transferring and here I am now... so things can change pretty fast if that's what God wants. 

I just needed to wait.  God had already shown me His power to hand me a job in very little time.  He had more than proven Himself faithful to me in the past.  Moses's words to the Israelites to "[not fear]. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today" (Ex. 14:13) brought me a lot of comfort.  It's not like I was in between the Red Sea and a charging army of Egyptians... I was just in limbo.  But the same God who delivered the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt... and not only delivered them... but they PLUNDERED the Egyptians before they left... He's the same God who has been orchestrating every detail of my life.  Just stand firm and I will see.  Ok.  I'll wait.

I think that maybe a day or two later, the ICU director emailed me to sign up for the critical care class in September... that she was considering setting up a simulation lab to go alongside that class.  She said that she wanted to start training me now and February was too far in the future.  Problem though... the September class was full.  I actually hadn't been sleeping very well during this time so I was awake at noon.  I know noon sounds so "late" for all you non-vampire types... but after getting off work at 6:30am... I'm home by 7am, I shower and am in bed by 7:30am... being awake at noon means I didn't get much sleep.  Being awake during normal business hours was a good thing that day. So I called the education lady for our hospital.  She told me to waitlist the class.  So I called the education company and she said they don't do waitlists.  Bummer.  She put me on hold.  And then she came back and just registered me for the class.  BAM.  Just like that.

So I'm still not sure about whether or not I'm transferring.  I'm just preparing myself in the meantime.  I got trained in the NIH stroke scale thing.  That was another one of those things the ICU director wanted me to do.  I was listening to the radio and someone said that... you don't need to go pursue the "right" person for you... you need to just work on BEING the right person first.  I know it kinda had double meaning for me since I'm also struggling with singleness... but it applied in this case too.  I'm not an ICU nurse yet... I don't have the job yet... but in the meantime... I need to prepare myself so I'll be ready if and when an opening becomes available.  It's making good use of my time and... it reminded me about that one movie... that football movie... forgot what it was called... but basically... it was like plowing the fields in preparation for rain.  By the time it rains, it's a little too late to plow.

Anyway... so that's where I stand as far as the job interview goes.  Sorry it was such a long story.  Not too many deep thoughts... just a story.  This one maybe was more for me... as a journal-type thing about the events of my life.  Read it if you want.  Actually, if you've gotten to the end, I guess you've already read it.  Thanks for reading.  :)  End of work stuff for now.

...never a dull moment...

<3,
Tiff