Three oh

I've tried to blog my recent thoughts about 3 times in the past few weeks and I have been quite unsuccessful at getting beyond a paragraph...but that's OK.  I think maybe my brain needed a rest and I couldn't push it any further... even to blog.

Even now, I feel the urge to crawl into bed... to be warmed and snuggled under my electric blanket... and then play word games until my eyelids start to get so heavy that I can no longer stay awake.  Soon.  Very soon.

I think that my most recent milestone is probably too important to ignore.  I turned 30 last week.  I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, but overall... I think what stands out to me in the last month or so... is how my 30th birthday has given my friends and family the opportunity to truly show me how awesome they are... and how much they love and care about me.

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
- Walter Winchell 

I recently saw 50/50.  It wasn't a good movie... in fact, I almost regretted watching it... but some of the content really kind of hit home.  The movie is about a 25-year-old guy who was diagnosed with spinal cancer and had a 50/50 chance of survival.  I didn't have to deal with the cancer... but my absolute best friend in the whole wide world did. We were both confronted with our own mortality... with the possibility of separation... our lives were rocked to the core.  In the movie, the main character had a girlfriend who, in the beginning, said that she would take care of him.  She ended up cheating on him and leaving him.  Uncool... but... I kinda think that... most people would have done what she did... and I could see how she would feel trapped... not wanting to deal with all the hardships that come with taking care of someone with cancer... feeling like she'd be doing a horrible thing if she left him... not knowing how to talk about her feelings... not knowing how to support him... being afraid.  It might have been different if he had been the love of her life, like Anderson was for me.  Anyway... these kinds of hardships... these kinds of fires... really show a person's true character.  I don't know if many people other than Anderson saw me for who I really was.  I think Anderson was a real friend to me first.  I made things pretty difficult for us in the beginning of our relationship... and he didn't walk out on me.  He didn't give up on me.  He must have seen something special... something he thought was worth sticking it out for.  And he was right.  He loved me with a kind of love that didn't let me go... the kind of love that purified my character... the kind of love that showed me how to be as good a friend to him as he was to me.  I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to marry Anderson.  Hearing that he had six months to live... only meant that I had to marry him sooner rather than later.  And most of you know our wedding story.  :)  One of my favorite stories to tell. 

"A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else."
- Unknown

When I was in Houston... I distinctly remember thinking to myself that my husband was a pretty awesome fellow... and it was evidenced by the number of people who made it a point to fly out and visit us in Houston.  I was pretty convinced that if I had brain cancer and had to move to Texas for treatment, that I wouldn't have gotten half the number of visitors that came for Anderson.  I think at that time, I had kinda resigned to the fact that... I wasn't the type of person that a lot of people liked.  I wasn't the type of person that a lot of people would have gone the extra mile for.  Perhaps it was because I wasn't the type of person that would have gone the extra mile for anyone else... I dunno.  I really can't remember but there was something wrong with me.  I didn't have many girl friends.  I didn't hang out with hardly any people.  I think I remember crying to Anderson... multiple times... asking him "how come I don't have any friends?". My oh my how things have changed. 

It wasn't that I didn't have any friends.  So... side note... the water in my shower doesn't get very hot.  I'd say that on a good day, I get a warm shower... never a hot one.  I think my last hot shower was when I took a shower at my cousin's house a few weeks ago... and I really didn't actually WANT to take a shower, but I had an inkling that there would likely be some pretty hot water coming out of her awesome showerhead... so I decided that it was worth the "inconvenience" and I ended up taking a shower.  Yes.  It was a pretty awesome shower.  Anyway... so... sometimes... to keep myself from shivering under the warm water that comes out of my showerhead at home... I open the shower door and let the cold air hit me... and then when I get back under the water... it feels a lot warmer.  The water temperature was exactly the same... it's just that I allowed the wind to remind my body of a colder temperature... and then I could better appreciate my warm shower. 

Nearly all the friends I have right now... I had before I married Anderson.  I just... didn't bother to talk to them, keep up with them, visit them... so the rekindling of these friendships makes me realize that my grumbling about not having any friends wasn't actually true. 

I celebrated my birthday this year the same way I celebrated last year.  I don't blame any of you for not reading my short essay of an explanation in the evite I sent out.  I blame myself for not coming up with a better way to communicate my celebration plans.  Maybe next year I'll record a video and post it on FB.  Who knows.  Anyway... so I decided to spend (almost) the entire weekend at home so that I could allow my friends to come at various times when they were able to... to see me and catch up with me.  I sent out an open invitation to anyone who wanted to catch up with me... to do so... whether by coming by, by emailing, by texting, by facetiming... all I wanted to do for my birthday was spend it catching up with my favorite people... and to remember the good times we've shared.  And I was amazed at who wanted to come. 

"A good friend remembers what we were and sees what we can be."
- Unknown

I was telling a couple of good friends yesterday... that one of the things that scared me the most about losing Anderson was that I wouldn't have anyone to remember our memories with.  When we used to lie in bed before going to sleep... we'd always have a "remember when..." conversation... at least a few.  I used to always like asking him to "remember when..." and to tell me what he remembered... how he felt... the things he saw... what he appreciated about that very moment... and then I would tell him what I remembered.  What he remembered was almost always better than what I remembered...shoot and he was the one who had the brain tumor, not me.  I am very, very thankful that his tumors didn't affect his memories.  He was able to "remember when..." with me right up until the day he was intubated... and that was only because he couldn't talk anymore after being intubated... not because his brain stopped working.  Playing the "remember when..." game was always one of my favorite things to do with Anderson.  I know that most of our memories have died with him... and I'm just going to have to wait until we meet again in heaven to remember again.  Anyway... so I just wanted to "remember when..." with my friends.  And I got a chance to do it with a few of the people who celebrated my birthday with me this year. 

"Can miles truly separate us from friends? If we want to be with someone we love, aren't we already there?" - Richard Bach

I was quite amazed by the amount of people who took the time to celebrate with me this year.  Some of my friends traveled from San Diego... from Bakersfield... from the valley... from all over southern California.  I got a facetime call from a friend in Philly. It was...just downright amazing to me. And I know for a fact that many of the people who weren't able to make it... really wanted to.  I have made it a point to respond to every single person who fb messages me "happy birthday"... and this year it took me a VERY long time to respond to the 150 people who left a birthday message. If you took a few seconds to wish me a happy birthday, I wanted to take a few to thank you. It was a lot this year. It was kinda overwhelming, but in a good way.  I also want to write thank you cards (maybe ecards) to the two pages of people who brought me gifts... I'm going to try really hard to make good on that desire.  I am very, very grateful and thankful to be overwhelmed in this way.  It's pretty amazing to me that I have this "problem"... of not feeling that I have enough time to thank everyone. 

"Every gift from a friend is a wish for your happiness..."
- Richard Bach

I was also quite amazed and delighted at some of the gifts that people brought me as well.  I appreciate the thought that went behind the gift sometimes more than the gift itself... and the amount of thought that went into some of these gifts... really, really made me feel loved.  Digging out old silly pictures... finding cards and letters that I sent to them like a decade ago... bringing me beautiful sweet things... and most of all choosing gifts that were so "me".  Some of you have REALLY paid attention to the things that I like... right down to knowing my favorite macaron flavors among my favorite brand of macarons. My friend reminded me that the only way people would be able to give me gifts like that was if they knew me well.  And I had to agree and respond that, "it's nice to be known."

It's getting pretty late... I need to take a warm shower and get to bed.  I'm working tonight.  Sigh.  I guess I'll have to wait until next time to update you guys about work and school... and other thoughts about life and turning 30... but even if I never get around to updating you about me... I just wanted to thank you for being you. 

Forrest Gump said that his momma always said that you could tell a lot about a person by their shoes.  I think I heard it on the radio the other day that you can also tell a lot about a person by the company they keep.  I aspire to be as awesome a friend as you have been to me... and I have a LOT of good role models to learn from.  Thank you, dear friends.  Good night.  :)

<3,
Tiff

P.S. It's never too late to share a favorite memory with me.  I have no time limits on this either.  Email, text, call, facetime me... whatever...whenever.  I would love to play "remember when..." with you and also create new memories for us to "remember when..." in the future. 

no guilt in life...no fear in death

I'm not usually huge on forwarding forwards, but I actually do think that this one is worth it.  Having been widowed so young... I'm glad that I've had a major, life-altering event so early... so that I could live the rest of my life having learned the lessons that may have taken years and years and years for me to internalize otherwise. 


I don't know if I live like I'm dying but I think that I will not have any of these 5 wishes when I die. And if I were to die tomorrow...or even tonight... I would die happy... knowing that I lived to the fullest that my life and opportunities allow.  I hope that this would be true for you too, my friends. 

Happy Wednesday!

<3,
Tiff

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.


I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:


1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.


2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.


3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.


4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
 Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.


It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end.

That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.


5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

heights of love... depths of peace

I am so exhausted.  Brain function is at a minimum. 

I've had this song playing on repeat in my head for maybe a week now.

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand 

Today would have been Tifferson's 3-year anniversary.  I worked today.  It was my third shift and I was pretty tired.  But I did have to write the date a lot today... to note orders... consents... blood transfusions... every single time I wrote 1/10/12, (and I'm having problems remembering it's 2012 now... I've been signing things as 2011 by habit...) I felt my heart twinge a little bit... but I couldn't stop.  Normally the dates don't really bother me... but for some reason this year it did.  I had not the luxury to ponder my anniversary today.  I was non-stop busy. 

It was a good day though.  It wasn't the best day ever, but I was super busy and I got a crazy amount of work done today.  I managed to get all my work done without having to stay late.  I'm still training in the ICU.  I think it's starting to hit me... how much I don't know and how much I still have left to learn.  I did have some really encouraging moments today despite the crazy busy-ness. 

I worked Sunday, Monday and Tuesday... I had the same two patients all 3 days.  And these patients family members or visitors were very encouraging to me.  They were a little bit high maintenance but... I was pretty surprised at the depth of peace and understanding that I had for these family members.  Both families had members who were really strong Christians.  I actually think they could sense our commonalities even though I never said anything.  I can't remember how it happened but we just started talking about God and scripture and it was so natural.  They read scripture to their family members and I was so very touched.  They even prayed with each other for each other. 

Before I left... both families made it a point to thank me in their own way.  It was so very encouraging.  I'm still so new to the unit that I feel like I bumble and fumble so much.  Even if none of my co-workers or managers or supervisors tell me that I'm doing a good job... I got encouragement from the families today that this is where I was meant to be.  They said things like, "you love your job, don't you?".  Isn't it lovely when you actually do love your job, and then to have it show on the outside?  My director also told me that a family member talked to her and told her that he made a list out of all the nurses he liked and he said that I was by far the best.  I think I am, by far, the newest and the least experienced out of all of the nurses he must have listed... but I really, really wanted to become the kind of nurse that families trust with their family member when they're sick and in the hospital.  I know the kind of stress you feel when you think that people aren't taking care of your loved one... I also know the kind of relief when you know and trust that the nurse is going to take care of your loved one the way you would if you could or if you knew how.  It's like a vice has been loosed from your heart and you can breathe enough to take care of yourself for just a little while... maybe those 12 hours that they're on shift.  I had one nurse who cared for Anderson like that.  I made it one of my goals to be that kind of nurse for my patients.

Anyway... one of the things a family member asked me was that I must have lots of opportunities to minister to my patients.  I had to smile and tell them that it was true.  I don't think it's so much the words I say... because being in the ICU has taught me that I... am not that effective a communicator.  I really need to work on giving better report.  I think it's probably more in the ways I take care and take pride in my work.  Even in the way I pull off a piece of tape... a family member commented on how gentle and caring he felt I was to his mother.  Sometimes it's not the amazing feats of medicine you can accomplish... sometimes it's in the little things... and obviously the little things matter... if not to a family member who's scrutinizing your every move... to the God who sees all, hears all and knows all. 

Perhaps it was a good thing that I didn't have the luxury to ponder the "heights of love" today.  January 10, 2009 marked one of the tallest peaks of the heights of love I have attained in my life.  It was the day I married the love of my life.  One of my very lovely friends reminded me today that I was very blessed to even have experienced such heights... even for a short amount of time.  Many people yearn to be married... to experience the kind of love that Anderson and I shared... and maybe some people never get a chance to experience it... but I have.  It was the height of Anderson's love for me which allowed me to reach new heights in my capacity to love him back... and if you think I loved him with an incredible love... I can tell you for a fact that he loved me more than I ever loved him.  His love for ME was amazing and I don't think I will ever stop speaking of it. 

The height of Anderson's love for me... mirrors the heights of love God has for us.  It is the journey towards this height of love which... both baffles me... and spurs me on... to reach new heights of love for others in my life.  I am not perfect, but my heart is much more open and much more loving than it has ever been in my entire life.  To joy with others' joys... even when their joy points directly to areas of emptiness in my life... to hurt when others hurt... even when I have never experienced anything like the hurts they experience... is something special. 

And you would think that experiencing such heights of love would equate to experiencing depths of despair as well... but... I think that... in the love of Christ... those heights of love somehow find its equivalency in depths of peace.  There is something amazing about being a recipient of a love that will never be taken away... will never be lost.  There is nothing I can do that will stop Him from loving me... there is nothing I can do that will keep Him from lavishing His love on me.  Put Him first and He will never, ever fail me.  This is the kind of love which stills fear.  This is the kind of love... that I need to live with every moment of every day of my life.  Anything outside it is... emptiness and disappointment. 

I'm pretty tired.  Been awake way too long.  I just wanted to end my thoughts... remembering something my patient's family told me.  I had grown just a little bit attached to them after taking care of them for three days.  I joked with my preceptor that their family was like my family... we're all family now.  Anyway... so before I left, I had a little bit of time so I went in to say goodbye to my patient's mother.  She was sitting at his bedside reading Daily Bread.  I told her that I wouldn't be back until Sunday and that I was so glad to have met her and that I wished them and their family all the best.  She told me that she wanted to give me a hug.  It's always a little bittersweet.  Sometimes you want to see these people again, but you don't want to see them under these circumstances.  She gave me a hug and told me that God definitely brought us together and that our time together was a gift.  It almost made me cry.  It's exactly how I feel about Anderson, especially today.

Anderson Y. Chen... God definitely brought us together and our time, however short on this earth... was a gift.  It was the second best gift I've ever received.  The best gift ever... is the gift of Jesus... who has lovingly enabled me to continue to receive the best gift ever... until forever meets forever... and who will reunite Tifferson when the time comes... forever and ever.  In light of eternity... what is another 50 or 60 years?  Happy anniversary, Anderson.  See you soon, my love. 

<3,
Tiff

beautiful randomness

I've been having odd moments here and there lately... where in the midst of doing "normal", random things... I take a moment to stop and... I don't know how to describe it... have... maybe a "thankful moment". 

The other day, I was driving somewhere and I thought to myself how easily and quickly I can get around... and I was extremely thankful for the blessing of having a car and being able to drive. 

Today, I was cleaning my toilet and I was pondering how nice it is to have a very dependable, porcelain receptacle that gets rid of the crap I deposit in it on a daily basis. 

Maybe it's leftover from the blog post I never wrote on Thanksgiving... or the fact that December and the rest of 2011 has just flown by but I wanted to just take some time to ponder the year.  I can't deny that this year has been an amazing one for me.  Extraordinarily amazing.  If this year were the last year of my life, I think I would feel pretty darn satisfied... and leave with little to no regrets.  OK.  I shall... tabulate.  I started out counting numerically... and then found that reviewing my pictures was more fun.  I'm glad I have documented a lot with my camera.  Although I can churn out monster emails in very little time... I do very much enjoy my pictures and doing a visual overview of the year. It's too much work to put it all into the post... you can just look through my 2011 adventure albums on fb. 

2011... an overview... some pretty cool stuff

• Publications: 1
• Finished 1/3 of my doctoral degree
• Wrote a letter to a congressman 
• Oriented a new grad nurse, I'm glad I got a chance to do this because I might not get to if I start to work as a NP
• Presented twice during manager's/director's meetings at work
• Transferred units... twice
• Found out I can survive on day shift as well as night shift
• am halfway done training to become an ICU nurse... which is something I've wanted to do since Houston

• Met a "Superhero"
• Went on a talk show
• Went to grief group
• Dressed up for Halloween... as a Star Trek cadet... or my own version of it...
• Wore rain boots in the rain for the first time ever

• Weddings: 6
• Trips to the Huntington Library: 6  
• Trips to Disneyland: 4 
• Trips to SF: 4
• Trips to NY: 1
• Trips to Vegas: 1 

• 'Lette: can't even count.  I had my first 'Lette macaron in Jan 2011. 
• Bruxie: can't count that either... but probably like... 10+ which is pretty amazing considering I had my first Bruxie in NOVEMBER

• Albums which include eating with various friends: 90+ 

I don't even think I'm counting everything but yeah.  Scrolling through my albums... I'm amazed at the people I've met, met up with, or hung out with this year alone.  It's been quite a full year.  Also... I'm surprised I'm only 5 pounds heavier this year considering all the food I've pictured/eaten.  It's OK.  I'll work on it.  I was doing really well until I went to day shift.  It's really surprising the amount of stuff that people bring nurses during the day which never makes it to night shift.  Right now, I weigh just about what I weighed in high school.  Not too shabby considering I'm about to turn 30.  Aye.  2012 goal... get back to 16-year old driver's license weight...or do not exceed current driver's license weight.  I give myself lots of leeway. 

I think I've learned a lot about myself this year.  I don't think this has been my most contemplative year.  I haven't seriously journaled in a while... and I do recall some pretty rough times emotionally this past year... which God was gracious to provide lots of friends to get me through.  I wonder if it's nearing the end of my blogging days.  I dunno.  Anyway... life has been... amazing. 

Since I've started in the ICU... I think it's made me think about a lot of things.  Since I'm meeting so many new people and have been pushed to think, to speak, to grow in ways I haven't yet experienced... I have been so incredibly humbled as well as challenged to identify my weaknesses and work on becoming better... knowing more... pondering how things fit together... anticipating needs...  I'm still not ready to be on my own yet but I've been learning so much.  And I see how all my life's experiences and even my nursing experience up until this point has brought me to this place, right here and now.  And it's been a very gentle learning experience.

Well.  It's been gentle but also... a little bit "rough".  In the ICU, I've confronted more emergent situations... more codes... and more death than I've had in my entire life.  ICU nursing is just a little bit stressful, I think... but I don't really feel the stress of it.  I wondered if I was just growing apathetic and complacent but... I don't think so... because... I still cry (sometimes just internally) for family members... my heart is still moved for them... it just doesn't incapacitate me.  Maybe I'm ready for this chapter of my life.  Maybe I have been prepared and I'm ready to take this next step.  Who knows.  All I know is that I'm here, right now... I enjoy work... I enjoy life... I enjoy (aspects of) school... and I really enjoy sharing it all with friends. 

I don't even have words to describe how thankful I am for all the things that have happened... for all the gifts I've received from people... for all the ways in which my life has intersected with such beautiful randomness. 

I'm tired already.  My brain feels swollen.  I've fallen asleep a lot out of pure exhaustion in the past month. Anyway... I'm thankful for the day of rest and the time I have to just exist... to be quiet... to think simply... and ponder the delightfulness of 2011. 

Joy, unspeakable joy
An overflowing well
No tongue can tell
Joy, unspeakable joy
Rises in my soul
Never lets me go

Joy to the World. 

Welcome, 2012!

challenge

Wow.  How did almost three weeks pass by in the twinkling of an eye?  Thanks for reminding me to blog, Randy.  I didn't even know you knew of the existence of this blog... but JUST IN CASE you're reading... I'm mentioning you... as requested. 

K.  If I think back on what's been going on with me in the past 3 weeks... a lot has happened.  Went to San Jose/SF, started orientation on ICU, had finals to finish...work work work in between.  Today is my first day "off" after finishing finals on Friday, while working the past 4 out of 5 days... and tomorrow I'm back for another two shifts so today really is a very special day of rest for me.  I was lying in bed this morning... just pondering my life... a few things came to mind.  A few lines... a few thoughts... a few words maybe.

Never a dull moment. 
Flux. 
Running.  
Challenge.
Stasis.
Change. 

I am quite amazed at the events of the past few months.  I can barely comprehend all the amazing things that have happened... all the ways that my life has changed. 

Never a dull moment

"Never a dull moment" pretty much describes my life for the past 3 years.  To me... it's pretty exciting.  Sometimes it's really hard and I wonder why sometimes I chose to put myself into situations where I'd be pushed and challenged into making pretty significant life changes... sometimes I wonder why I seem to love to torture myself... but then again... I look at where I am and where I'm going and it all plays a part into getting me where I want to go... although even where I want to go is up to negotiation. 

Flux

A near and dear friend told me that she looked at my life a few months ago and noticed that almost every single area is in a state of flux.  There is instability at every turn... with work, with school, with church, with relationships... the only thing that's been constant has been faith, friends, and family. The foundation of my life has not been shaken even though there are raging winds all around me... and I am so very thankful.  I imagine myself sitting on the Rock of my salvation... sometimes curled up into a little ball... but always still sitting/standing/lying on that rock.  I am not washed away by the storms of life... just beaten here and there... but all in all... this one foundational stabilizer in my life has meant everything to me.  And I am way thankful that I've been placed here and that I have chosen to stay here.  There's a quote that I read in Streams the other day...  I have been pondering faith, belief, and trust and what it means ever since I read it again. 

The word “faith” conveys more an act of the will, while the word “belief ” conveys an act of the mind or intellect, but trust is the language of the heart. The words “faith” and “belief ” refer more to a truth believed or to something expected to happen.

Trust implies more than this, for it sees and feels and it leans on those who have a great, living, and genuine heart of love. Therefore let us “trust also in him” (Ps. 37:5 KJV), through all the delays, in spite of all the difficulties, and in the face of all the rejection we encounter in life. And in spite of our feelings and evidence to the contrary, and even when we cannot understand our way or our situation, may we still “trust also in him; [for] he shall bring it to pass.”The way will open, our situation will be changed, and the end result will be peace. The cloud will finally be lifted, and the light of eternal noonday will shine at last. (December 15)

I don't have much to say about the distinctions this quote made with regards to faith, belief, and trust... but I do very much enjoy learning more about the languages of the heart and about love.  Can love exist without trust?  If the greatest act of love is to give up your life for another... in what am I trusting?  I don't know.  I guess that's why I've been pondering it for so many days.  The only thing I can conclude is that... I cannot say that I love God if I don't trust Him with all areas of my life.  He is willing and He is capable... It is up to me.  Reminded me also of this thing I read on another dear friend's fb...

I am not brave, I'll never be.
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy.
I'm just a girl, nothing more.
I am willing. I am Yours.

Running

I guess I've been meeting a lot of new people lately.  What with grief group, with changing units twice in the past 4 months... and just random people I meet along the road of life... one person asked me if I was running away from my grief.  I guess she meant to ask me if I was running instead of coping... running instead of mourning... or just running for the sake of not having to deal with the realities of life.  I think the only thing that was not in question was the fact that I am running... not so much literally although I have tried it lately.  It's not too bad.  Anyway....running... this is the pace of my life.  Things change so quickly, so frequently... my classes are only 8 weeks long... I work full time... I need to make the most out of my free time... there really isn't much time to "crawl" through life.  This is not to say that I don't stop to observe the scenery or fail to smell the flowers.  I am pretty darn emotional and so much happens on a daily basis that... I just have to take things one day at a time.  I recognize when I need to stop and sleep... lol... makes me think of Forrest Gump...

Forrest Gump: When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go, you know, I went.
Elderly Southern Woman on Park Bench : And so, you just ran?
Forrest Gump : Yeah. 

Yeah.  That pretty much describes what I do.  I'm tired.  I sleep.  I'm hungry.  I eat.  But still running.  I tend to think of myself... as running towards something and less that I'm running away from things.  What am I running towards?  I'm not quite sure... the future?  I do want to go on international medical missions trips... and part of why I wanted to be a nurse and also to be a NP was so that I would have some tools (other than a willing heart) to take with me... even though I know that God doesn't need me to have these skills in order to use me.  That's one thing I guess I'm running towards.  Another thing I think I'm running towards is... growth.  Which I guess leads me to my next point...

Challenge

So... our hospital still has a physical chart even though we have an electronic medical record.  One of the things I kind of dislike about the paper chart... is having to decode a doctor's orders.  It is not unusual for maybe 3, 4, 5 of us registered nurses to stand around a chart trying to figure out what an order means or what it's actually saying.  The secretaries are usually pretty good about it... but... it's part of our teamwork, I guess.  To stand around and figure it out.  LOL.  Scary, isn't it?  Patient safety, my friends... I wish that more of the docs used the electronic order system that we have... but I was watching a doc enter a medication and it took him SO long just to figure it out that I can understand why paper is just so much faster.  We have a doc who carries around his iPad all day long... he puts in his orders through it.  I'm not sure if he just uses Safari or if there's an app for that... but it's kinda nice.  He also has gotten more people to use it.  A lot of the docs have it but don't always use it.  Anyway.  Back to the point...

So I was helping a secretary decipher an order... and for some reason... I was able to read this one very easily.  I guess she'd never taken a "fluid challenge" order... and honestly, I had never done it either (with that terminology) but it makes a lot of sense to me.  We had a patient admitted for sepsis... transferred to the ICU because her blood pressure was low.  Septic patients... well I guess to keep them from going into septic shock... you need to "fill the tank" with fluids cuz they really need it... and then sometimes you have to give them pressors to bring up their blood pressure if they don't respond to the fluids.  But first... you give them the fluids and then see what happens.

So this order was to fluid challenge the patient... to bolus the patient with like half a liter or a liter of normal saline to see if her BP would go above 90... if it didn't, then repeat the challenge again... twice... and if that didn't work, then start levophed to bring the BP up with drugs.  There were parameters and things... I kinda forgot the details but I thought it would be fun.  What a cool thing to do... a fluid challenge.  LOL.  It's pretty standard. Nothing crazy exciting to a normal nurse... but I'm new to the ICU... and I'm pretty much a nurse geek.  If I see redness... I push on it to see if it's blanchable.  That's just what I do... even if the redness is on your cheeks.  (It's how we test for pressure ulcers...just fyi... )

Anyway... so... I think sometimes that challenges come... in order to see how I'll respond.  If I respond and do well to a minimal challenge... then I don't need to proceed further.  I'm good.  But if I don't respond, then you have to repeat the challenge again and again and then maybe even resort to more drastic measures to get me to respond.  And when it comes to responding to the confrontation of sin in my life... it would be much better to respond quickly to the least "invasive" intervention possible.  Cuz just like with the fluid challenge... the reason why the patient needed to be challenged was because their blood pressure was dangerously low.  The state of things... was... not good.  Sorry.  That wasn't eloquent at all.  Sometimes you need the challenge in order to get better... or to a better state.  So why not be challenged? 

Stasis

Sometimes the challenges come... and they show us what we're made of.  Stasis... is stablility... but by definition... nothing changes... so... things could stagnate.  I think I read somewhere... probably in Streams too... about the definition of peace... is not being able to lay on a sunny beach with an umbrella covering you... while holding a drink with a little paper umbrella in it... and staring out into miles of blue ocean.  Peace is... building your nest, perched precariously on a thin, wobbly branch... extending out of a thundering water fall.  Peace is also... staring at a rapidly turning wheel... while the spokes may be blurred from the rapid rate of revolution... at the axis of the wheel... remains centered, grounded... and the same.  I also had another conversation with someone... where someone was describing his mother as an evergreen... never wilting or fading with age... and I thought that was really sweet... but I thought about it and I didn't really want to be an evergreen.  I want to grow and change... I want my leaves to fall off and new ones to grow in their place... and I don't think evergreens have flowers... and if you know me... I definitely want to have flowers... and also maybe to produce fruit.  All of that requires... change.  LOL.  OK... and it also kinda reminded me... of Twilight... yes I know... ARGH... but... part of why vampires can't have babies is because their bodies are "frozen" so to speak... they don't have beating hearts... they don't age... they're like "rocks" according to the series... so they can't undergo the changes necessary to gestate a baby... so they can't reproduce like humans do.  I guess that's the price you pay for immortality...as a blood-sucking vampire.  

Change

I think a lot of people don't really like change.  Would things be more comfortable if things changed less?  I don't know.  Why are people so afraid of change?  Is it... the instability?  Is it... not knowing what's going to happen next?  Is it...fear that things could get worse and not better?  Is it... fear of being uncomfortable?  Avoiding the unpleasant?  Is it really "changes" that people don't like or is it that people don't like changes for the worse?  Is it the risk?  I don't know either.  But without change... there is no growth, right?  I know all my sections are split... but they're all kind of related.  Changes and growth.  

Being placed into so many different units at work lately... has really shaken me up and humbled me.  I've had to constantly reassess who I am as a person and who I am as a nurse.  It's been a challenge which has shown me what I'm made of... and whether I will sink or swim.  And even if I sink... I know that I was OK on tele so I could always go back there... but I think... that I'm swimming.  It's been pretty amazing that I've been able to gather up everything I've got and make it through my presentations in front of the hospital execs and managers... my classes... and I'm pretty sure I'm, at the very least, scraping by in the ICU. 

Being in the ICU... I'm not sure if it's just because it's new... or because I've always thought I wanted to be an ICU nurse and now I'm doing it... or if it's because I have an awesome preceptor... or because it's day shift and I get a chance to meet so many new people and doctors and it's fun and exciting... but I've felt really really happy being here... the past 7 shifts.  It's been 2 weeks.  It's almost like... I thought I was happy at work... and I was... but being in the ICU has like unleashed a glass ceiling and I've reached a new level of happiness and fulfillment at work.  I don't think I would have been able to be where I'm at now if I didn't first start off on my original floor.  I think the way God grows me... is he grows me incrementally... in small steps.  I see how God uses all these little steps to prepare me for the next bigger, higher step.  There are definitely growing pains and burning thighs that come alongside climbing these steps but... it is SO worth it.  If I keep my eyes lifted... on the destination that lies somewhere in that shining brightness that's so glorious it's blinding... then I don't focus so much on the burning thighs.  And I think that's kind of the way I feel... in many areas of my life.

I still walk around with a little bit of sorrow and emptiness deep within the center of my being.  Sometimes the sadness hits me... while I'm driving... while I'm walking... while I'm sitting or eating... usually when I'm alone or in bed... and I can feel my face and my countenance reflecting the sorrow that's emerging... but I can let a little bit out and then remind myself of all the wonder and greatness of the other areas of my life... and a smile returns which overshadows the dark sorrow... the happiness... the joy... the peace... which eclipses my sadness with the glory of the Giver who gifted it to me. 

That sorrow deep inside... I think... it will always be there.  It's from the loss.  The emptiness of being left and abandoned by a loved one... I don't think it will ever completely go away... and I don't think I will ever cease to "feel" it to a certain extent... but with that sorrow that I carry with me... comes... the ability to find common ground with a lot of people who are also suffering.  I find that I can draw from those reserves and "feel" for people... even though I might not be going through their exact situation or circumstances... but... I can still feel compassion and empathy for their hurt and I remember a time when the darkness was consuming me.  I would not be able to vaguely understand... had I not first suffered in my own life.  The fruit of this sorrow... can be shared and can nurture others... and sometimes... even if the fruit is not given and eaten outright... sometimes I think the aroma of the fruit can sometimes follow me wherever I go as well... and it influences the things I do and the way I do it sometimes... especially when my patients don't speak English and I cannot communicate words of comfort... I have to try in other ways to show them that I care... and to try to bring them a little comfort in a horribly scary situation.  I'm not perfect and I'm not a paragon of...anything by any means... but I try.  I try to let my heart guide me at work... at school... in life... through life.  The more my heart is like Jesus's... the more I can trust that where it leads me is a good place... and the right direction.  

I know things were pretty theoretical in this post... I just had a lot of random thoughts about the changes I've been going through lately... but good thoughts... good changes... and I'm very excited and happy with all of it and definitely looking fwd to where I'll end up next...  

I guess that's enough of an update as to how I'm doing... generally...

Still processing a lot... pondering the big picture both at work... for my patients... in life... but I'm in a very, very good place.  Very thankful.  Learning a lot.  Excited for what 2012 will bring.  :)  More good things.  

Happy Monday, friends!

<3,

Tiff

heart, head, hands

Wow.  So it's been over a month since I've last updated you all.  Sorry for the delay.  

I've been taking a class which requires me to introspect a LOT and write papers at least weekly... between that, group work, mountains of reading, and keeping up with friends... I haven't had much energy to blog.  I fell asleep while doing situps one time this past month.  I have not developed acute narcolepsy... I think I'm just tired.  

I also don't drink coffee and I've stopped drinking tea.  I've never been a coffee drinker and the tea I've stopped a while ago.  I sleep to stay awake.  If I'm tired... that tells me...to sleep more, not drink more coffee.  Somehow, everything always gets done.  Miraculously more often than not, especially when it comes to my papers.  

So... a few major updates.  

I interviewed for an ICU position on August 1st.  I blogged about it (reference: work stuff, August 22, 2011).  I am FINALLY starting my ICU training next week.  My director wanted me to transfer to COU (the Cardiac Observation Unit) first and then move to the ICU.  COU and ICU are run by the same director.  A lot of the nurses float between the two units often.  I don't know if it'll help that I did it that way, but I've definitely tried to make the most out of my waiting time on COU.  And the acuity of the patients is a little higher.  I've had more codes and/or rapid responses in the 3 months I've been on COU than I had in 1.5 years working on telemetry on Tower 2.  Might have been luck of the draw for my patient assignments though... or maybe it was God training me not to freak out as much when a patient is crashing.  

new bling for a new badge

So I've been in a state of flux since I interviewed for ICU (about 4 months).  Communication had been really bad with regards to letting me know what was going on.  I didn't even hear directly from my director that I even got an ICU position.  My director told my friend who told me.  I didn't know if I was going to start on COU days or nights, I didn't know when I was going to transfer to ICU... I've just been... going with the flow... and just flowing wherever someone tells me.  I think that ordinarily or maybe even in the past, this would have really upset me... but I kinda just take it nowadays as... slightly frustrating, however... it makes me feel a little bit more like the Israelites sojourning all over the place.  Maybe like Abe too.  God called him to move away from his homeland on just a promise... and by faith he left.  My situation is nowhere near as crazy as Abraham's but... it's how it kinda feels sometimes. 

I was told (at the most absolute last minute possible) that my first night on COU would be right in the middle of a 4-shift work week for me.  So I worked 2 nights on Tower 2 and then my 3rd and 4th nights on COU.  When I work like that, I don't do anything in between except sleep.  You know... that is exactly the situation that God arranged for me during my ICU interview too.  I had absolutely no time to prep.  I just had to wing it and attribute my survival to God's grace alone.  So I woke up and got ready for work before that 3rd shift and as I was driving... I realized that...I needed to park in a different place than I've been parking for the past few years...that it was going to get a lot harder to see my co-worker/friends... and that my entire "life" at work would be changing and I wasn't ready yet.  I started to cry in the car.  I thought I could handle it by the time I got to the floor but... no.  I was still crying.  Good thing my friend was there on her first day on COU too.  She held my hand and prayed for me in the hallway.  I found out that they weren't even ready for me to work that night either which made me feel even less wanted at a place I didn't even want to be.  Not to mention that I never got a proper orientation to the floor.  They let me work with another nurse that day but she either didn't know how to handle a crying nurse or she was just horrible at orienting a new person on the floor, but she taught me absolutely nothing about where things were or how things were done.  I just had to figure it out myself.  And I was incredibly frustrated.  My confidence was shaken.  I was acting like a new nurse who didn't know anything, had no common sense, no priority-setting ability or foresight...I was HORRIBLE.  I'm glad I didn't kill anyone that night.  It rocked my world though.  I was so comfortable on Tower 2.  Throwing me into COU with no orientation period... without me being mentally prepared... I felt like all my years of experience had been wiped away and I was starting at square one again.  I wonder if that's what Abe or the Israelites felt whenever they had to pick up and move again.  I had to build my tents all over again... make new friends... learn the ways they do things there... remember new phone numbers, new door codes... not knowing where things are, having to rely on others for every single little thing I need... it's just a little bit stressful.  There were nights where no one talked to me.  I began to miss the sound of my own voice, believe it or not.  It was lonely. 

But I adapted.  I figured it out.  God also found ways to encourage me through the roughness of the transition.  For example, for the two times I actually had to code patients, one of my favorite co-workers was there with me and she helped me SO MUCH while I was running around trying to either get work done, care for my other patients, or scramble to get through.  I also rarely work with her.  I heard that she told someone else, "I don't know how Tiffany comes to work every day with all her unstable, coding patients".  When we were switching mattresses on one of her patients (on another day...not when my patients were coding), the mattress guy asked the two of us if we were new nurses.  She said, "yes" and I said, "define what you mean by 'new'?" and she said, "oh you're not new...you're too good."  I laughed.  But it was encouraging.  At least one person thinks that I'm competent on this floor.  

I was able to go to an awards ceremony for my friend/colleague at our hospital last month.  We started working as RNs at the same time.  I met her in new grad class.  While they were talking about her and as I heard her story, I realized how blessed I am to be working at my hospital.  She's been working on COU for a long time.  She volunteered at the hospital before nursing school, she was a unit secretary, and then a RN.  I was pondering how she was like a flower seed and our unit was like fertile soil.  Lots of things can grow in fertile soil, but she really took to the soil and grew into something magnificent.  And she's not done yet.  She's at the beginning of her career, just like me.  

My hospital isn't the best place to work if you look at it on paper.  There are plenty of other places that pay more, have better benefits, have pension, have better equipment, more compensation and incentives for education and certifications... and maybe I would have taken to that soil just as well... but I'm grateful for the soil I landed on.  I'm grateful for the location and the timing as well.  

I can't really tell if I would have been OK anywhere or if this place in particular has just worked out super well for me... but maybe it's both.  Maybe God knew that this would be the perfect place to plant me... that the combination of nutrients and deficits would be perfect to grow me and also challenge me.  As far as school stuff and work stuff... personal stuff... I see how all of it has intertwined and one thing supports the other, which supports the other... I cannot deny that God, the master planner, has arranged it all to take amazing care of me.  

I was talking with my friend the other day and she was commenting on how well God takes care of me.  I totally agreed.  It seems like... God just... turns the dirt under my feet into gold as I step on it.  Even if it seems like dirt in the beginning... it's all a golden experience... whether to learn by or to grow by or to simply enjoy the beauty of.  Everything just... works out.  Even if it seems problematic... it all somehow works itself out and I never had to worry.

And you know what?  My waiting period on COU... has been good for me... but the timing of my orientation on ICU is also very... timely.  Sorry.  Couldn't think of another word.  So last year I had to work all 3 winter holidays... I've also worked every single mother's day and father's day... I always miss everyone's birthday party... even my own parents' because I've had to work.  So this year... because I'll be orienting through Christmas and New Year's... I WON'T HAVE TO WORK EITHER HOLIDAY.  I did work Thanksgiving and black friday this year but still.  I was bursting-out-of-my-skin excited when they told me that they don't orient over holidays.  It's cuz they pay time and a half for holidays and it would be financially unwise to pay two nurses time and a half to take care of the same amount of patients.  SUPER SWEET.  Merry Christmas to me... and a happy new year too!  I'll actually get a chance to spend time with family on the actual day of the holiday!  

I know this is getting pretty long but there was one more thing I wanted to update about.  I don't know if you remember from this blog post (reference: Purple Flowers, September 16, 2011) where I had the opportunity to present in front of the nursing managers about one of my school assignments?  Well, because of that, I got asked to present again in front of the ancillary managers at my hospital (the non-nursing directors) and it happened... this morning.  It's also pretty "funny" or possibly providential that in the class I'm taking right now, this week's discussion topic was on "how to engage your stakeholders".  Everything I've been reading about for this class has been on leadership, character, systems, motivation, innovation, etc. etc.  It's pretty amazing that I get a chance to put into practice precisely what I'm learning at this very moment.  See how all my "worlds" are colliding and how one helps support the other?  

Everything I write about for school has been about either my nursing experience on the floor or my experience caring for Anderson and being on the "other" side of care at the hospital.  My entire dissertation is based on it.  I get to do my clinical dissertation at the hospital where I work.  I'm attending all these meetings with executives and all that... and I also get to work on the floor so I get to see a little bit of the boardroom and the bedside and the disconnect that goes on between them.  Not to mention that nursing challenges me to grow in my weaknesses... it gives me opportunities to present in front of strangers... to interact with directors, executives... outside my comfort zone... to network... and do all kinds of crazy things that I never would have if I weren't being asked to write about it for assignments for school.  I'm super glad that I don't have to just write about it in theory... I get to think about how it applies to my clinical setting and then I have the opportunity to DO IT.  

I know I've probably posted this before... but it's one of my favorite nursing quotes...

the beauty of nursing is the combination of your heart, your head and your hands and where you separate them, you diminish them - Virginia Henderson

Even in thinking about my degrees... biology, public health... nursing is like the melding of the two.  I get to utilize everything... nothing has been wasted no matter how much time I spent hopping from one degree to another.  

Anyway... so I've been going through a Bible reading plan on wisdom.  It's made me ponder God's wisdom... His leadership... also in light of the world's writing on leadership which I've been reading about for my class.  It's so funny how my professor picked this book for us to read called the "21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader" by Maxwell.  I'm pretty sure he's a Christian author.  All of the indispensable qualities... can be found rooted in the Word of God.  And for all the other readings... about transformational leadership... about Theory U... about how to engage your stakeholders... how to work together... about the "faces" or personalities which make up an innovation team... I totally laugh to myself as I realize that... Christ is the ULTIMATE leader and innovator.  He totally thinks outside the box.  He knew exactly how to engage His audience.  He respected and listened to His team... He even knew how to answer and how to quiet all the opposing arguments that people intentionally threw at Him.  He talked to us about how much the heart matters far more than anything else.  So.  I somehow feel like I have a headstart.  I'm already striving to be more like Christ... and because my foundation is on the Rock... no matter how hard life or school or anything else hits me...I'll be OK. 

Anyway... so back to my original point about the presentation... I thought I would be more nervous.  I was such a wreck before the first presentation... I cried through the entire thing.  I didn't really want to cry through this one.  I also had time to make a PowerPoint presentation.  A lot of my school presentations are done in a style which is quite different than any other style I've ever presented with.  They also have us watch a lot of TED talks.  So we were assigned to read these books by Duarte on effective presentations since our very first semester.  I have a feeling, they can tell who's read them and who hasn't... and also who applies what they've been reading and who hasn't because... it's way obvious in the amount of TEXT people put on their slides... myself included.  I never touched those books.  I did watch one talk about presentations and it pretty much changed the way I thought about presentations... that and a feedback comment by my professor letting me know to move away from the text (which I thought was pretty minimal) and focus more on the content of what I'm trying to say.  I kinda wished that I had read those books earlier.  It was so obvious that I hadn't.  I'm sure our professors chuckle or maybe even get frustrated as they try to get us to present more effectively but we still present the same old boring way.  So... I decided to try it out with this presentation.  It's actually kind of hard to find pictures which visually display the points you're trying to make.  I felt like it took me 10x longer to make this PowerPoint than any other I've made.  It also forced me to practice, practice, practice because I couldn't just read off the slide anymore.  Aye yai yai, this whole thing was stretching me in new ways... but I'm glad I got through it.

Because I actually practiced, I was able to just talk for the majority of my presentation.  Because I was talking to them and LOOKING at my audience... I was able to see them nod... and see them engaged in what I had to say.  I heard people "awww" when I put up our wedding pictures and I actually saw people with tears in their eyes when the showed them the picture of me and Anderson with him intubated in the ICU.  After I was done... I heard someone say, "excellent".  :)  Quite a few people came up to hug me too.  My presentation also spurred someone else to share a quote that touched their heart because she said that my presentation reminded her of it.  Someone else said that it was the best thing they've heard in a long time.  Someone even walked (out of their way) with me as I went to my unit so that he could talk to me and get to know me better.  Someone gave me their card and asked for my slides.  I honestly didn't know if ppl wanted these slides because all they were were pictures... but sure, why not.  Here are a few of my slides:

Purpose: ppl are more than meets the eye. you don't need to know their story to know they have one.

Purpose: Intro Anderson, emotional connection, make a stark contrast between the beginning of our marriage and the end.

Purpose: build emotional connection, build credibility.

Purpose: comparison of our experiences at UCLA and MD Anderson.  I couldn't decide if I should have one side weigh more and have that be better or worse...

Purpose: integrate concepts from different disciplines. Explain things in different ways to help reinforce understanding. Jewish prayers prayed with intentionality and direction of the heart keep the meaning when prayers are repetitive.  Work is repetitive.  How do we keep it fresh; how do we instill meaning into the things we do day in and day out? Intention and direction... towards our patients.

Purpose: the heart makes the difference.  Two ppl can do the exact same things, but one has the right heart and the other doesn't. The one with the right heart does a better job.  There is joy in it.  Remind you of doing things out of love and doing things out of obligation?  Legalism?  LOL.

Anyway... so it went really well.  I think I did an adequate job of engaging my stakeholders this time around and introducing myself... introducing my dissertation topic... building my "street cred" or... my character... or reputation.  There's really no cool way to say that, is there? 

The pharmacy director told me, "we need you on days!".  My CNO said, "we need her everywhere!".  Someone told me they were so sorry for my loss.  I said, "it's ok.  I'm making lemonade".  She said, "you sure are."  

So who knows if I would have had anything to talk about at all if Anderson never happened in my life... if I never started a doctoral program... if I never began work at this hospital in particular.  OK.  I guess it's been a pretty long post.  I guess that's what I get for not updating in over a month. 

Most memorable comment made after the presentation: You've got a lotta heart, baby. 

:D  God... you done good stuff in and through me.  And I'm not done living yet.  If God could take widowdom and brain cancer and turn it into this... I'm sure there's plenty more good stuff to come. 

Until next time...

<3,
Tiff

Plumeria

Warning.  This is not going to be a stellar post.  It's probably going to be long, confusing, and boring.  If you're OK with that... read on, by all means.  

Some days I wake up and try to decide what kind of flower I feel like that day.  Some days I wake up and decide what color I feel like... and then I choose my colored scrubs accordingly.  I was daydreaming a little yesterday... wondering what kind of flower I felt like... and I think I might have felt like a Plumeria.  Mild, but pleasing, tropical fragrance... plain... simple... color a little bit washed out but still there... delicate... and most of all... easily bruised.

I've been a little bit emotional lately.  It's finals week right now for me and I haven't been able to focus on my finals.  Mostly kind of riding the waves day to day.  I'm hoping that by blogging out some thoughts I'll be able to purge and then focus will return. 

I can't remember when it was... but I can recall one time that I felt so irrationally hurt by something that shouldn't have impacted me so much... was the day when I was chit chatting with someone I had just met... and I'm not sure why it was said... but this person said, "oh, you were only married six months? so it's like you weren't married at all!"  I don't think I got angry at the moment.  But I did get angry.  How dare anyone belittle my six months of marriage.  How dare you judge me by the length of time I was married.  I highly doubt this person even remembers my name.  I don't remember their name either but I remember their face.  I'm not angry about it anymore but I do remember what was said and how it made me feel. My heart sinks a little bit when I am reminded of that day. 

So I had a recent bout of perplexing emotions surrounding what should have been a fairly inert recounting of events.  I won't really go into the details but I was taken aback... almost floored even... by the realization that... my widowdom... is not seen by everyone as a good thing... it's actually kind of a negative characteristic usually.   And I'm speaking in the context of my singleness and "viability" on the market, to be crude about it. 

I know it kinda sounds elementary.  And I'm not going to group it with other "red flags" like... hm... drug abuse... a criminal record... a history of gold digging?  Or I was talking to someone else recently who asked me if I considered someone's education or the degrees they've earned as part of their datability or "criteria".  I don't know why I never really thought about it.  Maybe it's time I did. 

The more I think about Anderson, the more I am amazed by him.  This man loved me.  Like seriously loved me.  I really don't think I was that lovable when he met me... like 8 years ago.  I still may not be that lovable but I think I might have mellowed out a bit since then.  I tolerate myself a lot better nowadays.  Dunno about you.  But... I seriously lucked out with Anderson.  OK it wasn't luck.  It was God's sovereignty.  I was his first and last girlfriend.  Everything we did together, every adventure we had... I knew it was special to him because it was the first time he'd ever done any of it.  I was his first everything... and I was the wife he chose to stick with him to the end.  Oh how I wish that he could have been my first everything too.  But sadly... by the time I met him, there had already been a few before.  He never made me feel bad about them, but I know he struggled with it.  He mentioned once or twice about anger and jealousy... but he never took it out on me.  I don't know what he did with it because I was an insanely jealous girlfriend.  He didn't have any exes but I somehow invented people to be jealous of because I was that crazy.  It took us years before we got past my jealousy.  And he was patient with me.  So very patient.  And I'm not exaggerating or idolizing him.  If you knew him at all, you'd know that he was remarkably patient, level-headed, and usually very calm.  I was always the crazy one. 

Did I tell you guys that I started going to grief group?  About a month ago, I started going.  It's been nice.  Cathartic.  A lovely time.  It's a beautiful ministry.  And I think this Tuesday night will be the last one I'll be able to attend for a while.  Because it will be my last one, I asked if it would be OK if I brought some pictures to show them.  I thought about what I would say.  I haven't come up with the specifics but the gist of it is... that Anderson Chen, his life intersecting with mine... and also his death... is overall, the best thing that ever happened to me. 

His impact on my life has been profound.  There is very little of me that has been left untouched by him.  My life now has been deeply impacted by him... my nursing, my schooling... even my dissertation topic.  There is a nursing theory called, "the nurse as the wounded healer".  There are many stages described by this theory, but the highest level you can reach... is transcendence.  After having confronted your loss... to be able to transcend it and use it to help others... that's what a wounded healer should aim to do/be.  I can't get through one single class in my doctoral program without somehow integrating those experiences I've had with Anderson while we were in Houston... living in hospitals... battling cancer together.  And I don't know if my classmates are sick of hearing it by now... but I wouldn't be surprised if they referred to me as Tiff, the widow nurse.  You know... I wonder... if all of this has been my training... if Anderson was God's most powerful training instrument.  It's prepared me for school... it's helped me at work... it's given me a lot of life experience and stories to tell... and not even the best part... I have now experienced God in ways I have never experienced before.  I understand more than I ever have.  I have experienced passion and love and joy that I can't say I have experienced before all of this happened.  Being chosen by God to be His daughter is definitely the best thing that's ever happened to me... and Him using Anderson to help me see Him... definitely the best thing ever.  I would go through it all again if it meant that I would gain a deeper understanding of God, His love, His grace... if being widowed once has colored my world so vibrant... I think I would be OK with doing it all over again if that's what it takes for me to gain a better understanding of God. 

I did tell someone recently that... sometimes people tend to spiral into their own thoughts and if they don't stay grounded in the Word or through other people... they kind of tend to lose their grip on reality... and then their own thoughts, no matter how ridiculous... become reality to them.  So maybe this is what happened to me.  I'm not saying that widowdom is all fun and games.  It is the most intense suffering I've experienced in my life.  Having my heart joined in unity with the love of my life and then to have it ripped out of my body, torn in half, and left for dead... that was not altogether the happiest moment of my life either.  But what came afterwards... as a result of God's love for me... picking me up, cradling me in His hands... and putting me back together again... was the most miraculous act of love and healing that I have ever experienced... and all of that is precious and valuable... to me.  Maybe not to anyone else.

I don't know if you remember that blog post... from August... when I was driving around crying and being tormented by the question, "who would want you?"... I feel like this past weekend was a follow-up to that encounter.  Not only did Jesus tell me that HE wants me... but He also very gently reminded me... that I am very special.  And I kinda mean that like... special ed and not "you're a pretty pretty princess" special.  It was humbling.  I am not the catch of the century.  Yeah.  Shocking, isn't it? (try to read some sarcasm if you can). 

After my shocking realization... and after a handful of amazing friends came to my emotional rescue... Jesus said to me... that I am a delicate flower... a Plumeria maybe... and that if there is a man that would be willing to carry that flower in his hand... that man would require special training... and a very special, unselfish heart. 

I was walking around with my cousin while we were shopping... and she was inspecting this purse that she possibly wanted to buy.  It had a scratch on it but it was the only one left.  We decided that she should just get it and then go to another store and see if she could find a better one.  It's different when you make the scratch after you've bought it.  No one really wants to choose a purse with a scratch already on it.  You choose to buy the perfect one.

My friend and I were having lunch and her water bottle label had a rip in it.  Mine didn't.  I looked at the ripped one and I saw... myself.  Two bottles on a shelf... one label ripped... one label intact.  Someone would probably choose the intact one even though the ripped label has no impact on the water inside the bottle.  I think God was reemphasizing the point for me... that it takes someone a little extraordinary who will choose the ripped bottle... who will buy the purse with the scratch... knowing that even though he didn't make the scratch... he could still buy and love the purse anyway... [omg OK so I know that (most) men wouldn't buy and use a purse but just go with my analogy...] so... since He's taking so much time and care to prepare that heart for me... wait for it. 

I am darn sure that God would not withhold good things from me.  What I've got right now is singleness and since God's way is better than Tiff's way 100% of the time... this is what is best right now.  Maybe I've still got some more growing to do... maybe God's not done preparing me yet.  Maybe God's not done preparing someone for me yet either.  Or maybe there is no one in my future and I'm supposed to finish my life journey hand in hand with Jesus alone.  He was expert at seeing past the rips and tears... past the dirty clothes, the scuffs and bruises... He saw the Samaritan woman at the well when no one else would stop to realize her value.  Now for a man to have a heart like Jesus's and to see beyond my exterior, beyond my widowdom... and value my heart...and my potential more than the scars of my past... I think that is worth waiting for, right?  Yes.  Must keep reminding myself of that. 

Part of Dan's sermon yesterday was on living in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.  He made a good analogy of putting a beautiful, juicy steak... on a dirty plate with old food stuck to it... maybe streaks of mold around it.  We need to be clean plates.  We were dirty plates but we were washed clean and a big steak was put on us... and as part of presenting the gospel rightly... we need to keep on striving in our sanctification.  We need to obey.  Another thing I remember was that obedience to God's commandments was not meant to stifle us... it was meant to free us.  It was meant to be a good thing. 

I don't think I walked in a manner worthy of the gospel... before Anderson.  Shoot, I still might not be.  But I know that my mistakes... my careless disregard for the preciousness of my purity... it really hurt Anderson.  Back then... I don't think I cared about my faceless husband.  I think I thought that my boyfriends were the face of my husband... but they weren't.  The heart is such a precious thing.  I remember my dad telling me that my heart was like gum.  When you stick two pieces of gum together... you can't ever cleanly separate them.  There's always going to be pieces of you stuck to the other gum, and pieces of the other gum stuck to you.  The more you keep sticking your gum to things, the more of "you" you leave behind.  And it's true.  Nothing ever feels quite like your first kiss.  I can't ever get that back and regift it to anyone else.  I remember going through breakups and feeling so used and worthless.  Restoration and healing only came from God.  I kinda wanted to write to my husband.  I guess future... but if there is no future husband, then it's just addressed to Jesus. 

Dearest Beloved,

From the deepest depths of my heart, with every fiber of my being, I want to tell you that I love you.  

I... have nothing to say to defend myself.  I've made mistakes in my past and I cannot change them.  I wish I would have been wise and respectful to you and I wish I had waited for God to bring you to me rather than to compromise for a temporary, fleeting, fleshly gain.  I implore your forgiveness for my foolishness and blatant disregard for you and your feelings.  God had already told me that He has amazing plans for me.  I'm so, so sorry I didn't believe them with full faith throughout my entire life.  I... hope that you will forgive me and accept me as I am.

I know I may not be who you imagined or who you would have wanted to marry if you ever dreamt about it when you were younger.  I know you probably would not have chosen to be the second husband to a widow... you probably would have wanted to be someone's first and last.  And I know it takes someone very special not only to love me, but to love who I love... even if it means also loving my love for my first husband, which I am not sure will ever go away.  It is a lot to ask and I do not take it lightly that you have knowingly taken this burden as part of loving and carrying me... and entrusting me to be your helper and also maybe the mother of your children and queen of your household. And yes, honey, that makes you king. 

I cannot change the past... I can only do what I can from now on to live in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ... and worthy of your love.  I hope that I will not forget... I hope that from this moment on... the commitment I am making to you today... before I see your face smiling at me from the end of the aisle... will warm your heart and reassure you that I am wholly yours.  I will not split my heart again.  I am dedicating myself to loving and pursuing our God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength... preserving what I have, allowing God to grow me, mold me, and restore me... and guarding the best of me for Him... and also for you. 

Thank you for loving me and thank you for wanting to embark on the epic adventure of life with me at your side.  I love you and I'm excited... for us.  It's gonna be awesome!

<3,
Tiff

p.s. you look hot in that tux.  or suit.  or whatever you're wearing when you're reading this.  Jeans?  Pajamas?  K.  I'm ending this now.  Love you!